I am currently reading the #iliad because I needed a sleep book and wow. Y'all I was not PREPARED.

I thought I knew the story of Helen of Troy and wow I did NOT AT ALL. (🧵/n til I get bored)
Keep in mind also I'm only like 60 pages in here.

Versions of the story I learned:

1. Helen married Meneleus and he was ugly/old/boring. She met Paris, became fantastically horny, and ran off with him. 1,000 ships later, here we are.
2. Helen married Meneleus, Paris came for a visit, fell hard for Helen (also Venus promised him the most beautiful woman in the world if he picked her in the Judgement of Paris, another story), and stole her.
3. Helen married Meneleus, Paris came for a visit, did something to make her fall for him? They run off in the night, 1,000 ships later, here we are.
Turns out that the only version of this in the #iliad is version 2.

And WOW Helen is MAD. Helen is FILLED WITH RAGE. Helen wakes up every morning in Troy for 10 years CHOOSING VIOLENCE.

Examples! (the Butler translation, it's the one I have ok). 6/n
When she sees Priam (king of Troy), she says I love you because you're my FIL...but...."would that I had chosen death rather than to come here with your lot is one of years and sorrow."

She describes herself constantly as "my abhorred and miserable self."
When she speaks to Hector, in FRONT of Paris (who is avoiding the battlefield, more on that):

"would that a whirlwind had caught me up on the day my mother brought me forth...since the gods have devised these evils, would, at any rate, that I had been wife to a better man..."
(we're on 8/n now I think I'm just too pissed about Helen to count really)

" who could smart under dishonour and men's evil speeches. This fellow was never yet to be depended upon, not never will be, and he will surely reap what he has sown."
Paris, by the way, is hands down the loser son, everyone knows it, and everyone says it. Pretty and petted by Venus forever, and we know what kind of taste SHE has.

He gets slightly wounded on the battlefield and she whisks him away, where he HIDES. #teamhelen

Meneleus (Helen's first husband) comes out to fight, and Paris "quailed as he saw Meneleus come forward, and shrank in fear of his life under cover of his men."

Who is protecting this loser?! Leave him, guys! Find a dude like Hector who is a devoted husband and dad!
Hector yells at Paris "evil-hearted Paris, fair to see but woman-mad, and false of tongue, would that you had never been born, or that you had died unwed."

Nobody likes you, everybody hates you, you and your skincare regimen can go eat worms.

In other things I thought I knew: Achilles goes to sulk in his tents because Agamemnon steals his girl Briseis (these girls are all "loot" which is horrid but there you have it)

Why does he do it? Because Agamemnon stole a PRIEST'S DAUGHTER and refused to give her back. 12/n
The Priest, understandably pissed AF, prays to Apollo, and Apollo starts everyone among the Greeks dying of dysentery.

The Greeks are in a panic about how to get around this. The correct answer? Send the girl back you jerks. Agamemnon says he doesn' wanna. 13/n
The Greeks, in between massive bouts of diarrhea, insist.

Agamemnon is so salty about having to give up his side piece that he's like i'm gonna steal someone else's and Achilles I don't like you (because I am jealous), so I'm taking YOURS.

Achilles: You're a jerk, and also a bad general, we've been fighting here for a decade for YOU and your brother and for WHAT and now you're gonna take Briseis?! GTFO. (I'm paraphrasing)

Often it's presented as thought Achilles is sulking and in the wrong and no, no. 15/n
Achilles is making a point that Agamemnon is an absolute jerkface.

And he's right. Agamemnon is a jerkface.

Why IS Minerva siding with this guy?! 16/n
Finally can we take a moment to appreciate Hector, the hero who pop culture forgot, possibly because Paris is a city, Ajax is a cleaning product, and Achilles has a tendon.

Hector, the hero. Hector, the devoted dad. Hector, in a loving marriage! 17/n
At once point he takes a break from the battle to get Paris, deliver some orders, etc. and immediately seeks out his wife Andromache. She's on the walls with their baby, anxiously looking out for him.

She pleads with him not to leave her a widow and he says I'll win this, not for my men, and not for Troy, but because I cannot stand the idea of what they would do to YOU if we lost. I will not see my wife hurt.

Then he takes off his helmet because it's too scary, and kisses and snuggles on his baby.

I mean, man of his time, probably never did a dish in his life, but the bar is on the ground here, we have no choice but to stan. 20/n
More #iliadreactions as I get further in and after i look up stuff like what an "aegis" and a "hecatomb" are.

Answer: Aegis was maybe a shawl? Maybe a shield? Anyway Jove and Minerva used them and they were coated in tassles which might be snakes, YMMV. 21/n
A hecatomb is apparently a sacrifice you make to the gods of 100 cattle. (though in reality you could say 100 and pawn a god off with 12)

Which apparently people just did, to every god, all the time. Usually they ate it later.

The Iliad, land of lots and lots of burger.
I always pictured ancient Greece with like, fluffy sheep on the hills and shepherds. You know, like Fantasia!

No no in reality these dudes were cowboys in togas, raising all those cows to feed to their very hungry gods. 22/n
In today's #iliadreactions, there has been a battle, many dudes slew many other dudes.

This is where we get to what I like to call the begats. You know how in the Bible, Joe is son of John, son of Joshua, son of Sean son of Nebuchadnezzar?

That. 23/n
No one can spear anyone else without them saying "BUT WAIT! For I am Greekus, son of Peleponnus of Sparta, and I was born on the slopes of Mt. Ida (you and everyone else, apparently), because my dad slept with a nymph this one time!"

They are all taking a break to bury their dead. And the Trojans are like...

"Hear me out guys...maybe we should give Helen back?"

It has been 10 years. 10 years and you NOW are like huh maybe this was a bad idea?

Somewhere in Troy, Helen's ears perk up. 25/n
Paris says no way (you don't want to give up the gloriously gorgeous wife who HATES YOU? You do you my bro). But he says he'll give back all the treasure he stole with her, and pay the Greeks extra.

Too late. Greeks say it's a matter of principle! 26/n
(Also the Greeks feel like they're winning).

Hector, who in my mind is The Rock, decides to offer up single combat somewhere in here.

There's a lot of dudes offering up single combat, or thinking about it, and then not.

For some reason every time, the armies just...sit down!
Anyway finally Ajax (who in my mind is Mr. Clean) faces Hector and they bash at each other a while until the armies decide they're both very glorious and we can all go eat more steak.

Also I'm just boggled that all of this is taking place TEN YEARS after it all began. 1,000 ships later, here we are.

Did these dudes all start out at the young reckless age of 20, and now are 30 year olds stuck in frats for ever and bashing with spears?
Obviously they can't all have been 20, which means somewhere in that camp, someone took off for war at like 40 years old and is now 50, creaking to their feet cursing their lower backs every day.

Single combat after 10 years #iliad

"I, Hector, challenge Thee, Ajax! But FYI my left hamstring is pretty tweaked today."

"I, Ajax, accept your challenge Hector! My tendonitis is killing me from carrying this bronze shield with 7 ox hides tho" 30/n
Good morning and welcome to #iliadreactions. 1,000 ships later, here we are.

Men continue to explain the Iliad to me. Much like the book itself, I begin to use big numbers to describe them, such as "10 years" for "you've been doing this forever"
There's been another battle, stuff's going back and forth.

I suppose we should talk about Diomed son of Tydeus.

There. We did, we talked about him.

Seriously this war machine has no personality that I can see. He goes out, he kills people, he yells a lot. 32/n
But forget the humans because today I am het up on the subject of the GODS.

Specifically Jove. JOVE WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
And yes, I'm saying Jove, and yes, I KNOW this is Greece and Jove is Zeus. I am reading the Butler translation and this dude used the Roman names, because it was 1870something. His facial hair is, for the time, disappointing. 34/n
But yes, for the purposes of this thread (and quotes)
Zeus = Jove ⚡️
Hera = Juno 💍
Athena = Minerva 🦉
Apollo = um. Apollo 🌞🏹
Diana = Artemis 🏹
Hephaestus = Vulcan ⚒️
...and so on.

So far in the Iliad it's all Jove, Juno and Minerva and wow this family needs therapy 35/n
First, Jove and Juno are married.

Juno is the goddess of matrimony.

They hate each other. I mean they really, really hate each other. Like please, for the love of gods get a divorce and spare your kids.
Jove, to Juno: "for aught I care, you may go to the lowest depths beneath earth and sea, where Iapetus and Saturn dwell in long Tartarus....and I shall not care one whit for your displeasure; you are the greatest vixen living."

Good god girl get out. 36/n
This says pretty much everything about what the Greeks thought of marriage I guess.

Meanwhile, in this battle, Jove is just going back and forth smiting as different sides pray to him. Team Troy! (smite) oooo wait I forgot Agamemnon prayed that one time, Team Argive! (smite)
Different heroes get inspiration from his godly Bard energy and hurl spears and shoot things.

A very large number get hit specifically "in the breast, by the nipple." For a bunch of men fighting on the beach there are just as many nipples as you might hope. 37/n
Anyway at one point Jove feels bad for the Greeks (Argives/Acheans/Danaans) and sends an eagle to show he cares. The eagle brings a fawn and plonks it down on Jove's altar.

No one says what happens to the fawn afterward. Young venison? At some point I want the animal bodycount.
In today's battle Hector/The Rock is the hero the Trojans need. He is everywhere. He is winning. The Trojans have a sad. Night falls and Hectors like we are camping on the beach because tomorrow morning it's GREEKS FOR BREAKFAST MY BOYS. 39/n
Agamemnon is on the beach crying like a baby (really!).
Diomed says (yells) what we're all thinking: "Son of Atreus, you are really not management material" (I'm paraphrasing)

Nestor, our resident Gandalf, agrees.
Nestor is done with this crap. Nestor left his 55+ community for this far 10 years ago and misses his shuffleboard tournaments.

Nestor's men all eat the early bird special.

Nestor says look, Grow up Agamemnon, we need Achilles and you need to apologize. 41/n

It is no longer clear whether the girl's name is Briseis or if she's the daughter or Briseis? Please confirm her name Homer thank you?

Agamemnon offers a list of very nice presents if Achilles will save his butt. 42/n
He sends a group of dudes to Achilles and they relist the nice gifts word for word. Reminds me of the Bible in Exodus when they build the Tabernacle, which is described, in all its blue, purple, and scarlet yarn, no less than three times.
In oral histories this is a good memory device. You will also get plot summaries, where you can tell the poet had to take a break (perhaps an entire day or so), and is beginning with "Previously, on the Trojan War..."
They go to Achilles, they say hey Achilles who's a good boy want a treat? Fight for us?

Achilles tells them where they can put their nice gifts. And makes a good point.
"Why, pray, must the Argives needs fight the Trojans What made the son of Atreus gather the host and bring them? Was it not for the sake of Helen? Are the sons of Atreus the only men in the world who love their wives?" 46/n
"Any man of common right feeling will love and cherish her who is his own, as I this woman, with my whole heart, though she was but a fruitling of my spear." (Which is to say, she was kidnapped as the Greeks pirated their way across the Aegean).
Briseis of course gets no say in this, but Achilles cares? I guess. The bar for a good guy here is buried somewhere under the beach.

But Achilles has a point. Here we are, 1,000 ships later, fighting over a WOMAN AND YOU TOOK MY WOMAN AGAMEMNON. WTF.
Today we shall end with thus far my favorite quote, the dude who apparently was the favorite uncle of Achilles says "Many a time have you slobbered your wine in baby helplessness over my shirt."

Ancient Greece, land of steak and baby wine.

Happy New Year and new #Iliadreactions!

I've also looked at how far I have to go in this thing and omg y'all the Iliad is so much longer than I thought.

So. How to save this bloating thread? 1,000 ships...1,000 tweets? No one wants it. Suggestions welcome.
The night continues, Achilles is not going to save any Argive ass.

Unsurprisingly, Agamemnon has insomnia. He starts waking people up for council and Diomed (yelling man) and Ulysses (Odysseus) end up heading out as spies. 51/n
Homer spends a weird amount of time telling you how each commander is getting dressed. Lion skins are having a Fashion Moment.

The men also put sandals on their "comely feet"

They all have very sexy feet. Even Nestor, our resident retiree. Homer was a Foot Guy? Discuss.
Meanwhile in the Trojan camp, Hector (our hero) asks someone to go spy for him.

Dolon says he's in but only if he can have Achilles' sweet ride when the Trojans win.

Dolon is also the FIRST guy in his whole thing described as ugly.

I smell a Trojan red shirt! 53/n
And I smelled right, the Greek spies capture the Trojan guy, he spills all beans, and gets his head cut off. No sweet Achilles chariot for you my dear.

Ulysses and Diomed commit some mild murder, steal some sweet horses and make a clean getaway.
When they get back to camp everyone has to talk about how nice these horses are.

If they've been fighting for 10 years, they've reached their mid-life crises and every one of them needs a mustang, apparently. 55/n
Also, when giving gifts, black ewes with lambs are the Williams Sonoma personalized tin peppermint bark of the Greeks. apparently.

More #iliadreactions later...and when i figure out what to DO with this monster thread... 56/n
ALSO I'm making a list of the books y'all are recommending!!

I've indeed read Miller's Song of Achilles, and if YOU haven't yet, put everything down, go read it, come back and thank me.
I finished Miller's Song of Achilles huddled in the corner of a crowded hut in Iceland (long story), munching chocolate covered raisins (ILU Jono, u know my poison), tears running down my face, while a group of tourists tried very hard not to make eye contact. I was UNASHAMED.
If you like Greek stuff, I have also read and enjoyed "The King must Die" by May Renault.

If you wanna get WEIRD AF, Dan Simmons' Ilium and Olympos blend the Trojan war...on MARS, with future AI, Shakespeare's "The Tempest" and Marcel Proust's "In Search of Lost Time" 59/n
Gooooooooood afternoon and welcome to #Iliadreactions the epic poem that launched 1,000 tweets.

In today's reading, there's another battle and dudes be slewing.

And looting. Every time they slew, they have to take another guy's stuff? Do they WEAR the stuff? Why NEVER. 60/n
One begins to wonder what happens to the piles of bronze helmets and breastplates and animal skins and braided ferret-lined caps (WTF were you wearing Dolon) that ends up with these guys. They only WEAR the stuff their friends give them or the gods made. Greeks, OG hoarders.
We are now getting into some cool bloody vibes. Agamemnon smote the head off someone "which he sent rolling in among the crowd as though it were a ball."

Metal, son of Atreus.

Then he gets speared in the arm, the pain of which is apparently SO BAD it's like...a woman in labor
Bros keep fighting, and spend a truly amazing amount to time LITERALLY THROWING ROCKS at each other.

How rocky is this beach.

If they've been fighting for 10 years has everyone been struck by the same 10 rocks.

#iliadreactions 61/n
Oooo Nestor tells Patroclus (bud, or potentially gorgeous lover of Achilles, IYKYK) that if Achilles won't fight Patroclus should go out in his armor because the Greeks are getting their bronze butts handed to them.

Ooooooo I know where THIS is going... 62/n
Before we GET there, apparently no one thought in the previous TEN YEARS (or whatever) of battle that MAYBE they should BUILD SOME FORTIFICATIONS MAYBE!? So a few chapters back they built a wall.

BUT, the Greeks made a big mistake. They did NOT ask the gods "mother may I"
The gods are pissed. They were hungry. Hungry for that sweet, sweet beef. They are so mad they are going to get all together and BUST THAT WALL they're gonna TEAR IT DOWN SO HARD.

Um. Eventually. Like 2 decades after the fact. Just. Not now. OK. 64/n
Meanwhile Jove is switching sides again. This MFer doesn't care who wins he just wants to watch more slewing.

He sends an eagle with a snake to the Trojans. The meaning of the snake is unclear. But Trojans apparently find snakes v. scary.

Eagles send a lot of mail. 65/n
Good morning and welcome to #iliadreactions, where the body count is only slightly higher than modern American Football. Seriously, I hope some people are reconsidering what we ask young men, often of color, to do for our entertainment. 66/n
Today we have some hilarious new character names, my fav is Thoötes.

I don't care how you pronounce it, this dude has a name that's an onomatopoeia of a fart.

Battle continues. The Greeks are getting their ships handed to them. 67/n
Neptune (Poseidon) has had enough and goes to save the Greeks. The gods like to go down, disguise themselves as someone who's actually there and pretend to be them.

But Neptune is caught out by "his feet and knees as he turned away, for the gods are soon recognized." 68/n
Feet and knees AGAIN, Homer really loves a good comely foot.

Panic is also personified, and turns out to be the son of Mars (Ares).

The only Panic I know is from the Disney Hercules, so Mars, you, um...that's yours, huh? Good. Good. 69/n
Jove is favoring the Trojans, because if they win, then it will be honor to Achilles, who is sitting out on the sidelines on the Greek side.

I mean, yeah it proves he was the best fighter, but also his ships are going to burn too! JOVE WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU ON! Oh, your own side.
The battle get steadily More Metal. "the speak stuck in his heart, which still beat, and made the butt-end of the spear quiver."


Also every time someone kills in this chapter they have to "vaunt" which is the old timey term for brag over how they killed 'em good.
And WOW, this is the bronze age! There are archers, and they are kind of the heavy range DPS. Because there's also a whole troop of dudes with SLINGSHOTS.

Anyway Agamemnon wants to run away now. Jerkface. His other commanders tell him EXACTLY what they think.
Good morning it's #iliadreactions
1,000 ships later, here we are.

Battle continues. Stuff is increasingly metal. Jove is team Trojan. Juno is like, this seems very unfair and begins to plot.

...why ARE these gods so invested in a bunch of pirates and a walled town?
Venus (Aphrodite) I get. She built this ship (Paris/Helen) and is going to see it through. No matter that Helen HATES EVERY SECOND OF THIS NIGHTMARE.

But Jove? Juno? Neptune? Minerva? Go find other pirates! Are you BORED? Do you need a new HOBBY? Have you tried macrame?
I mean I note that Vulcan (Hephestus) isn't super invested here. Why?

Vulcan has a JOB. He's gotta MAKE STUFF.

Minerva wove everyone's garments, and then i guess everyone told her they didn't want another baby blanket and now she's gotta go play Troy-chess.

ANYWAY, Juno wants to see the Greeks come back. She's Jove's wife.

She knows what distracts Jove.

Hot A**. That is what distracts Jove.

Who's got the HOTTEST ass?

Um...not Juno actually.

She dresses up to go clubbing and goes to see Venus. 76/n
She tells a pretty tale about how she's dressed to Go Out because she needs to...reunite her parents...who are fighting? Which is why she looks AMAZING?

Venus has never been the brightest bulb on Olympus and lends Juno her girdle, which contains all of her virtue. 77/n
I would like to think this girdle is entirely composed of like, makeup tutorials and Dyson Airwraps.

Juno puts it on and goes to see Jove who is watching the battle.

Jove is like, why Juno....I hate you but you look AH MAY ZINGGG.
Jove is like, I totally want you babe. I want you more than...


Juno puts up with this because she's on a mission. But I can't be the only one who wants to punch Jove in the snoot.
Juno, ahem, "takes Jove into her embrace" and Jove hides them in a big floofy gold cloud so people won't see Olympian-level humping.

With all the sleeping around he's done I have to imagine every time people see a gold cloud they're like, oh NO not AGAIN. 80/n
Jove falls asleep right after (presumably because Juno talked Sleep into visiting, but let's be real, Jove WOULD just fall asleep). Juno says, Neptune, get out there and save those Argives.

This goes ok until Jove waves up and is Big Mad.
He then reminds Juno of this one time when HE HUNG HER FROM THE SKY with chains of gold and anvils attached to her feet and beat the snot out of every god who tried to rescue her.

Juno, you're the goddess of matrimony but have you considered switching it up because divorce could sure use some divine energy.

Think about it. You probably didn't sign a prenup, you could get a cool rising phoenix lower back tat, and JOVE WON'T HANG YOU FROM THE SKY.
Anyway, the Greeks and Trojans are on their own.

But Jove reveals that the gods all know what's going to happen, apparently re: Minerva. The Greeks are going to take Troy in the end.

So...why are you....what are you do...never mind. 84/n
Good day and welcome to #iliadreactions where the Trojans are about to burn 1,000 ships.

Jove sends Apollo to Hector. Hector has been wounded, and Apollo says hey I'm gonna need you to get back in the fight this is the day you all win this.
Hector looks up from LITERALLY VOMITING BLOOD and says "dude are you kidding"

Tweeting this during football season is...quite a mood.

But the gods (and the fans, and the NFL) want what they want.

Apollo fills Hector with energy.
Hector suddenly feels pretty good actually.

"And as a horse, stable and full-fed, breaks loose and gallops gloriously over the plain to a place where he is wont to take his bath in the river..."

Hector: As inspiring as a horse who loves bath time. 87/n
In characters who quickly become dead characters, we have "Melanippus" (heh. Heh heh.) Then he gets stabbed.

"it struck Melanippus the proud son of Hiketaon in the breast by the nipple."

Greeks really need to stop leaving their nipples out during battle. 88/n
So the Greeks are getting hammered. It's bad, Hector has succeeded in setting at least one ship on fire. Stuff is dark.

And Patroclus comes to Achilles in tears. Here. We. Goooooooooo.

He says for the love of gods man save us, or at least send me and your men in!
Achilles says I can't. You know I can't. It's an honor thing.

Ok now he's sulking.

But he lets Patroclus go, with a PILE of reminders. Beat back the Trojans! But not...too far? Like not beyond the trench? Do NOT take Troy because just can't be AS GOOD AS ME. 90/n
Patroclus and the Myrmidons (which means ants, and in my head they are fire ants, v. smol, v. mean, and form rafts in floods) suit up.

Patroclus' feet are NOT described as comely. After all the talk of hot feet I feel like this is a bit intentional.

And he turns the tide.
"the bronze point of the speak when clean through it beneath the brain, crashing in among the white bones and smashing them up. HIs teeth were all of them knocked out and the blood came gushing in a stream from both his eyes." Night night, sleep tight!

Hector is running away!



But no. No Homer has to fill another 10 pages with all the OTHER dudes who slew more other dudes.

Get an editor Homer. GET TO THE GOOD PART. Ugh.
All right it's FRIDAY and time for #iliadreactions

Let's just get it out there, Patroclus is dead and I HAVE MANY THOUGHTS.

Because everything I thought I knew about Patroclus was 100% wrong.
I don't know why I thought this, maybe because of Miller? Maybe because of other stories? I always kind of thought Patroclus was...not a good fighter? A stay at home type? A healing type? He was Achilles' "squire" so just not as skilled?

No. Patroclus did not come to play.
I had this perception of poor skinny Patroclus rattling around in the giant Achilles' armor as he wobbles out onto the field to put heart into the Greeks with the Myrmidons.

Not. At. All.

No this dude straps on Achilles' armor, gets out there, and KICKS BUTT.
I went back and counted and he slew AT LEAST 39 dudes in about 20 pages. He's got a higher body count than Menaleus, Ulysses, Agamemnon.

He's up there with Diomed and the Good Ajax!

The Trojans have to flee back to their walls and Patroclus KEEPS COMING

He is SO GOOD he mounts the walls and FIGHTS THE GOD APOLLO.

Apollo has to say "kid, don't make me mad, stop attacking me, I WILL turn this war around."

Of course then it gets weird. Patroclus kills Sarpedon, a son of Jove, and of course, he's got NICE stuff.

any pretty much every time someone kills someone with nice stuff they have to go and strip the body.

This results in different factions planting themselves over the bodies of the dudes they killed and fighting like heck to get the sweet spoils.

Patroclus aims at Hector but gets his charioteer. And tries to get the stuff.

"Hector would not let him go when he had once got him by the head, while Patroclus kept fast hold of the feet."

Tug of war with the world's saddest rope.

100/n where will this end.
So how does Patroclus die? Does Hector squish him like a bug, as the poor skinny youth rattles around in Achilles' armor?

Heck no.

No the only reason he dies is because Apollo knocks his helmet off, another dude him in the BACK, and THEN Hector rips his guts out. 101/n
It took three people and even then Patroclus, with his dying breath, says "Hector, Achilles is going to OWN YOUR FACE" (I'm paraphrasing)

Patroclus, it turns out, wasn't just a beast on the battlefield, everyone LIKED him. there's a huge fight to keep the body. 102/n
Achilles' horses (which are....immortal horses? Do they have golden poo?) start crying because Patroclus was their fav.

Justice for Patroclus! Not as good as Achilles, but is anyone?! I hate that Patroclus ended up with a bad rap because Achilles was such a high bar.
What's UP AND WELCOME to #iliadreactions where the Trojans have F**ked around and are about to Find Out.

Because Patroclus is dead and Achilles KNOWS.

Thetis (Achilles' mom) knows what's up and comes to him with all the ladies of the Sea.
She Brings:

Glauce, Thalia, Cymodoce, Nesaia, Speo, Thoë, Actaea, Limnorea, Melite, Iaera, Agave (she's the sweet one), Doto and Proto (the Oin and Gloin of the sea), Doris (?), Panope, Galatea, Maera...

There's like 30 listed.

Ariel is nowhere to be seen, lazy princess.
Anyway Achilles is like, I'm going to avenge SO HARD. I am going to die on this hill. Literally.

But he can't go! He has no ARMOR. He gave it to Patroclus. While the Greeks continue to fight over his body, Hector already has Achilles' armor. And is WEARING IT.
Without armor, Achilles can't go to the party. He can't take anyone else's armor because he is such an amazing beast no one else's will fit except maybe the Good Ajax's.

I wonder how this works because Patroclus wore it, and then Hector wore it. fit SOME people?

Thetis says hang tight kiddo I'm going to Target. I mean Vulcan.

In the meantime, she has Achilles go up and yell his rage on the battlefield without fighting.

His screaming is so completely unhinged that 12 heroes literally fall out of their chariots and die.
Thetis is described over and over as "silver-footed" which...sounds painful? Are they cold? What does this mean?

She goes to Vulcan who is NOT married to Venus (like I thought?) but to Charis, who is described as being "of graceful headdress. That's all you could think to say?!
Vulcan is repeatedly described in really abelist terms. Disappointed, but not surprised. Hera tossed him out for having a clubbed foot. Whenever he walks, "his thin legs plying lustily under him." Which...kind of makes it sound like he's got a lot of very tiny legs.

So I've decided that Vulcan is like The Luggage in Terry Pratchett, just walking around on loads of tiny feet.

Thetis begs him for some sweet armor. Vulcan doesn't even need measurements, he's that good.

The armor has a lot of very weird scenes on it that seem unwarlike.
Achilles gets his armor and goes to Agamemnon and says, Fine, I'm sorry, you're still wrong, but I need to go out there and slay. Now.

Agamemnon says, actually I WAS wrong and I'm going to give you a ton of presents. And we'll have a nice breakfast! and then we can slay.


The other generals point out there is always time for bacon.

Achilles finally agrees that lesser mortals might indeed benefit from a good breakfast.

There is bacon.
They get ready, and now it is revealed that Achilles has TALKING HORSES.

And I just. Like ok gods and goddesses and making godly armor and humping in golden clouds ok. But Achilles' chariot is pulled by Mr. Ed and no one said anything until NOW?! 114/n
Anyway, they go into battle and...Jupiter apparently has had enough fun playing sides. He says gods? Goddess? Get on down there. Have at it. Fight your guts out.

Troy gets the archers Diana and Apollo, and Mars. The Greeks get Minerva and Neptune and Juno.
I'm super curious if Diana and Apollo shoot long bows or recurves. I've seen some art with recurves and some with long because artists don't know what a recurve looks like. 116/n

(Also I'm watching #RingsofPower and I'm salty that Orcs use recurves.)
Welcome back to #iliadreactions, where gods talk and humans sometimes talk back.

Achilles is on the field. Achilles is slaying. Apollo comes to Aeneus (that Aeneus), and says HEY go fight Apollo.

Aeneus replies: Do I LOOK stupid to you? 117/n
Apollo makes him fight anyway, and he's got to be rescued by Neptune, who notes that Aeneus is Jove's fav, and he's gonna be big someday.

Somewhere in the future, Virgil's ears perk up.

Neptune takes Aeneus away and says dude don't fight Achilles, wait until he's dead and THEN you can go fight people, you are a clear second string hero.

Aeneus does not reply but I hope he actually said "That's what I've been TRYING to tell you!" 119/n
Achilles slays. He slays on the plain. He slays on the river. He drives an entire pile of dudes into the river and SLEWS THEM ALL.

When he gets tired he starts hauling some out of the river and tying them up so he can slay them later. like a T rex with beefy arms. Unstoppable
Hello and welcome to #iliadreactions where dudes would rather drag the bodies of their enemies behind their chariot around the walls of Troy than go to therapy.

Achilles continues to slay. 121/n
He wades into the river Scamander and kills so many dudes there that the river god himself rises up and complains to Achilles, pointing out the dangers of pollution. Achilles says screw you.

The River is big mad and commences beating up on Achilles. 122/n
Achilles can take a lot of beatings, but a river god? That's too much. He begs for help and Neptune and Minerva have to save him.

Then the gods start fighting each other. Minerva beats the CRAP out of both Mars and Venus and we have no choice but to stan. Hoot, Minerva! 123/n
Achilles is determined to face Hector. Hector is like, um, I can't run away because people will make fun of me but also I don't want to fight Achilles because I know doom when i see it.

He runs. Achilles runs. They decide to marathon it around the walls of Troy.

Finally Hector faces Achilles and says, "hey, man can we fight like adults? Like if you kill me give my body to my parents (who are watching, over there, right now), and if I kill you I'll give your body back."

Achilles says NEVER I WILL KILL YOU ALL. Hector dies. 125/n
Achilles takes his armor back and all the other Greeks come up and stab Hector's dead body with spears. haha! Not so big now, are you, dead guy?!

Achilles drags the body back to his camp. They feast. There's beef and mutton and goat and pork.

These paleo bros must have had farts to wake the dead.

Achilles finally falls asleep on the beach and Patroclus comes to him in a dream and says, dude, please actually hold a funeral I'm starting to stink.

(He's not actually, Thetis, Achilles' mom, did some magic so the body wouldn't decay. But the sentiment is the same). 128/n
Welcome to the LAST INSTALLMENT of #iliadreactions, in which I reach the end and WHAT THE ABSOLUTE HECK.

Seriously I was so boggled I thought perhaps I had a wrong version or something.

Achilles sets up a funeral for Patroclus, and we spend (checks notes) 10 pages on...funeral games. Because in an epic poem about gods and men, it is vital to know who won the boxing match.

Ajax is apparently a beast but can't beat Ulysses in wrestling. Burn, Ajax. 130/n
Anyway Achilles is still mad and continues to drag Hector's body around.

Just, therapy! Therapy! Finally the gods have had enough, and send Hermes to lead Priam (king of Troy) to go get his son's body back.
Priam and all Trojans have been mourning this whole time.

He's got like 50 kids but Hector was his fav. "worthless sons who do me shame; would that you had all been killed at the ships rather than Hector."

Wow. Rather glad to see parenting standards have done up. 132/n
Priam gets the body back and goes back to Troy and they hold a funeral for Hector, there are also games which are thankfully not described.

All riiiiight now we get to the good part we're gonna kill Achilles as foretold and then there's gonna be a wooden horse and...WHAT.
I turned the page and THAT WAS THE END.

It was the END.

Achilles was still alive. Troy was still UNTAKEN.

Many hecatombs of cows, I have no doubt, mooed in relief but SERIOUSLY, THAT'S THE END?!?!?! 134/n
I am quite serious, I did not know that there was no wooden horse in the Iliad. It's not even mentioned.


ACHILLES' HEEL ISN'T EVEN MENTIONED. It's like he never even had a bad tendon! 135/n
It turns out that MAYBE, MAYBE the wooden horse gets a mention in the Odyssey, but most of it is in the Aeneid.

The Aeneid, which is ROMAN FANFICTION about the Iliad written 1,000 years later.

I read 279 pages for one major fight and a lot of sulking. 136/n
This makes me even MORE BOGGLED that books like this are assigned in high school. This is a terrible book to be assigned in high school for a lot of reasons (not relatable, well beyond a lot of reading levels, just because something is a classic doesn't mean it's, er, good).
But they make HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS read this and they don't even get a COOL HORSE or an Achilles heel?!

Betrayal by literature. Like when you read the Bible and find out that Satan is NO WHERE IN IT and the descriptions we have of Satan are from the fanfic that is Dante. 138/n
Anyway, thanks for sticking with me through the Cliff's Notes of the Iliad.

I am, in fact, reading the Odyssey next because it's just right here.

Should I continue to tweet?

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Very amusing & informative thread. :)