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If You're So Smart, Why Aren't You Happy?
The first book by the creator of COURSERA®'s most popular online course in 2015, "A Life of Happiness and Fulfillment"
Could the same traits that drive your career success also be keeping you from being happier?
Fifteen years after getting his MBA, Raj Raghunathan spent some time with his old classmates. He noticed that though they’d all done well, there didn’t appear to be much correlation between their academic success and career success. What Raj found even more curious was the even smaller correlation between career success and what he calls life success. The greater the career success, the more unhappy, out of shape, harried and distracted his friends were.
If intelligence helps with decision-making, smart people should naturally make better life choices. So why are so many of the smartest, brightest, most successful people profoundly unhappy? Raj set out to find an answer to this problem, and extensively researched happiness not just of students and business people, but also stay-at-home-parents, lawyers, and artists, among others.
If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy? takes readers on a fun and meaningful tour of the best research available on how some of the very determinants of success may also come to deflate happiness. Raghunathan explores the seven most common inclinations that successful people need to overcome, and the seven habits they should adopt instead. Among his surprising findings...
·The correlation between wealth and happiness is much smaller than you'd expect it to be
·Generosity is not only a key to happiness, but a determining factor of long term success
·Appreciating uncertainty, rather than seeking full control of outcomes, is necessary for happiness
If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy? will give you a powerful new perspective on your work, personal goals and relationships, whether you’re already successful or just starting out.
Could the same traits that drive your career success also be keeping you from being happier?
Fifteen years after getting his MBA, Raj Raghunathan spent some time with his old classmates. He noticed that though they’d all done well, there didn’t appear to be much correlation between their academic success and career success. What Raj found even more curious was the even smaller correlation between career success and what he calls life success. The greater the career success, the more unhappy, out of shape, harried and distracted his friends were.
If intelligence helps with decision-making, smart people should naturally make better life choices. So why are so many of the smartest, brightest, most successful people profoundly unhappy? Raj set out to find an answer to this problem, and extensively researched happiness not just of students and business people, but also stay-at-home-parents, lawyers, and artists, among others.
If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy? takes readers on a fun and meaningful tour of the best research available on how some of the very determinants of success may also come to deflate happiness. Raghunathan explores the seven most common inclinations that successful people need to overcome, and the seven habits they should adopt instead. Among his surprising findings...
·The correlation between wealth and happiness is much smaller than you'd expect it to be
·Generosity is not only a key to happiness, but a determining factor of long term success
·Appreciating uncertainty, rather than seeking full control of outcomes, is necessary for happiness
If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy? will give you a powerful new perspective on your work, personal goals and relationships, whether you’re already successful or just starting out.
352 pages, Hardcover
First published June 2, 2015
336 people are currently reading
3779 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 126 reviews
June 9, 2016
I like this book. The title is very captivating and that's the main reason I choose to read it. I didn't know anything about related Coursera courses and that there was actual research on happiness.
I really enjoyed reading the book, because it is really straightforward and helped me to acknowledge a new and interesting world.
I liked when the author showed how happiness can be defined (not relying only on abstract concept) and I also liked how he addressed the problems (sins) and the viable solutions. Although, some solutions are impracticable (at least for me).
The take-away message of the book is that there is a lot of potential in ourselves. We can increase our happiness but only if we want it.
I really enjoyed reading the book, because it is really straightforward and helped me to acknowledge a new and interesting world.
I liked when the author showed how happiness can be defined (not relying only on abstract concept) and I also liked how he addressed the problems (sins) and the viable solutions. Although, some solutions are impracticable (at least for me).
The take-away message of the book is that there is a lot of potential in ourselves. We can increase our happiness but only if we want it.
January 3, 2019
Clichés be damned – I'm kicking off the New Year with a self-help book. Like most titles in the burgeoning "happiness research" genre there is no silver bullet to feeling good all the time to be found here. But I was pleased to see a lot more research cited than simple gut-level feel-good philosophy. Dr. Raghunathan seems like a warm and wise fellow who'd be fun to talk with, and his personality helped buoy this book up above my expectations going in.
Still, like every self-help book out there this all proves easy to sum up but difficult to implement. Why am I unhappy? Well, it's mostly because I "devalue happiness" and confuse the means of being happy (i.e. money) with the actual feeling itself. More to the point, the straight-up explanations for not being happy are threefold: (1) poor social relationships (guilty!), (2) lack of purpose (working on it!), and (3) not cultivating a positive attitude, which is defined here as a realistic sense of control in various situations (my therapist agrees). The full text expands on these principles with current research findings, engaging anecdotes and examples, and a handful of practical exercises suggested to identify and increase your happiness quotient w/r/t each. But it's all easier said than done and, to be honest, most of the information and findings documented here can be gleaned more quickly from a Google search and an afternoon watching a few TED Talks. So unless you're brand-new to the subject of the psychology of happiness you may find a lot you've already heard elsewhere in this one.
3.5 stars out of 5. I technically did not finish since I skimmed/skipped outright large portions in the middle, as we talked about topics I've already covered extensively, like "flow" and Harlow's monkey attachment experiments. As a self-help book, it is better than average but still no positivity panacea. What sets this one higher than your run-of-the-mill self-help book is the author's inviting personality, the hard evidence cited, and the fast but effective personal inventory exercises*. I can actually see myself taking some action based on this title, which is what self-help should be all about.
*For anybody wondering, I scored a 25 out of 35 (the middle range of "Happy") on the "Satisfaction With Life Scale" when I first started and increased it to a 28 (the lowest end of "Very Happy") by the time I reached the conclusion.
Still, like every self-help book out there this all proves easy to sum up but difficult to implement. Why am I unhappy? Well, it's mostly because I "devalue happiness" and confuse the means of being happy (i.e. money) with the actual feeling itself. More to the point, the straight-up explanations for not being happy are threefold: (1) poor social relationships (guilty!), (2) lack of purpose (working on it!), and (3) not cultivating a positive attitude, which is defined here as a realistic sense of control in various situations (my therapist agrees). The full text expands on these principles with current research findings, engaging anecdotes and examples, and a handful of practical exercises suggested to identify and increase your happiness quotient w/r/t each. But it's all easier said than done and, to be honest, most of the information and findings documented here can be gleaned more quickly from a Google search and an afternoon watching a few TED Talks. So unless you're brand-new to the subject of the psychology of happiness you may find a lot you've already heard elsewhere in this one.
3.5 stars out of 5. I technically did not finish since I skimmed/skipped outright large portions in the middle, as we talked about topics I've already covered extensively, like "flow" and Harlow's monkey attachment experiments. As a self-help book, it is better than average but still no positivity panacea. What sets this one higher than your run-of-the-mill self-help book is the author's inviting personality, the hard evidence cited, and the fast but effective personal inventory exercises*. I can actually see myself taking some action based on this title, which is what self-help should be all about.
*For anybody wondering, I scored a 25 out of 35 (the middle range of "Happy") on the "Satisfaction With Life Scale" when I first started and increased it to a 28 (the lowest end of "Very Happy") by the time I reached the conclusion.
May 23, 2016
A Business school professor examines happiness, with some interesting conclusions.
Strongest impressions from the book: first 2 chapters about how people devalue happiness and focus on the activities that they think will bring them happiness. Often we do this because happiness is hard to measure (unlike money, for example). Define what happiness is for you and make choices to prioritize it.
Other strongest takeaway - that people, even strangers, are more deserving of trust than almost anyone gives credit for. Suggests using "smart trust" that limits downside, and trying to simply put ourselves in others' shoes - when we forgive others we reap the benefits emotionally.
He focuses on having the right approach to achieving Mastery, Belonging, and Autonomy - which involves the belief that these things are abundant, not scarce. Scarcity implies a zero-sum game and makes happiness hard to find.
For mastery, finding "Flow" is key - work that you have talent for and enjoy but that challenges you and does not come at a cost to others. Do not try to be superior to others. He suggests you ask yourself "What is the best possible life" as an exercise. And when things aren't going well, to have self-compassion.
For belonging, it is the need to love and give, not the selfish need to be loved, that promotes happiness.
For autonomy it is having internal control, where he focuses on having process-oriented goals, rather than outcome-oriented ones - that way we can derive happiness from the effort even if it doesn't end up exactly how we had hoped. He conducts an exercise to have you think of some negative event in life (not truly awful, though) and reflect on how much it hurts now vs when it happened and how meaningful the event is in our lives. Negative events tend to hurt less but actually carry a lot of meaning in our future lives - they often drive positive consequences.
He closes with a plea for mindfulness, and trying to be disinterested observers of our lives and minds rather than constantly internally judging everything we do.
Strongest impressions from the book: first 2 chapters about how people devalue happiness and focus on the activities that they think will bring them happiness. Often we do this because happiness is hard to measure (unlike money, for example). Define what happiness is for you and make choices to prioritize it.
Other strongest takeaway - that people, even strangers, are more deserving of trust than almost anyone gives credit for. Suggests using "smart trust" that limits downside, and trying to simply put ourselves in others' shoes - when we forgive others we reap the benefits emotionally.
He focuses on having the right approach to achieving Mastery, Belonging, and Autonomy - which involves the belief that these things are abundant, not scarce. Scarcity implies a zero-sum game and makes happiness hard to find.
For mastery, finding "Flow" is key - work that you have talent for and enjoy but that challenges you and does not come at a cost to others. Do not try to be superior to others. He suggests you ask yourself "What is the best possible life" as an exercise. And when things aren't going well, to have self-compassion.
For belonging, it is the need to love and give, not the selfish need to be loved, that promotes happiness.
For autonomy it is having internal control, where he focuses on having process-oriented goals, rather than outcome-oriented ones - that way we can derive happiness from the effort even if it doesn't end up exactly how we had hoped. He conducts an exercise to have you think of some negative event in life (not truly awful, though) and reflect on how much it hurts now vs when it happened and how meaningful the event is in our lives. Negative events tend to hurt less but actually carry a lot of meaning in our future lives - they often drive positive consequences.
He closes with a plea for mindfulness, and trying to be disinterested observers of our lives and minds rather than constantly internally judging everything we do.
February 9, 2017
I'm reading multiple books on the topic of happiness at the moment and this was one of them. It's a solid, research-based approach to what makes us happy. Every chapter is divided into two parts: first a research based analysis and then a more practical exercise to put theory into practice. I didn't follow the recommendation of doing a chapter each week or so and doing the exercises, since I just wanted to read the whole book first. Not everything the author offers is new or groundbreaking, but the overall picture was pretty impressive and challenged me. I'm gonna go through the book again to do all the tests (which i thought were awesome) and see which exercises I want to try for myself.
The book is leaning heavily towards a Buddhist approach to life and thinking, so if that's not your thing you may want to skip this one.
The book is leaning heavily towards a Buddhist approach to life and thinking, so if that's not your thing you may want to skip this one.
June 13, 2016
I received an advance reading copy of this book, for free, through Goodreads First Reads program in exchange for my honest review.
If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?, by Raj Raghunathan, seems like your run-of-the-mill, depression, self-help book. What differentiates this one from the others is that the author is not an M.D., nor does he have a background in psychology. Instead, Raghunathan is a business professor who sets out to find how people who are both smart and successful, can still be unhappy.
The author comes across as likeable, and very passionate about his chosen topic. The book seems to be a labor of love, thoroughly researched, and meticulously referenced. There is nothing really groundbreaking or profound about his conclusions. He obviously has read many books regarding depression, and he includes many assessments previously found elsewhere. Unfortunately, Raghunathan often glosses over what the reader’s score on the assessment means. Three times I took quizzes at the end of a chapter, and was left without any indication of what my score meant. For example, my score was a 5. A score of 8 and higher means this. A score of 3 or lower means this. Well, what does my score of 5 mean?
The author threw a lot at the wall. Some of it stuck, much of it didn’t. The author presents happiness “sins” and happiness “habits”. He concludes that the three things needed for happiness (without giving anything away) can be abbreviated “MBA” (Get it? He’s a business professor.) Above all else, the author mentions/promotes his website about a dozen times in each chapter… literally, hundreds of times throughout the book! I visited his website, however, did not use any of its resources. This was due to the fact you have to log-in with your full name, e-mail address, and/or access to your Facebook page. Depression is a topic one might speak to a therapist about with a reasonable expectation of confidentiality, not a topic in which you share your quiz results on social media.
There is no cure-all for depression. Some people may find this book to be extremely helpful. Others will look to other sources for help. I took the “Satisfaction with Life” quiz at the beginning, middle, and end of the book. My score did not change. If I’m so smart, why aren’t I happy? I’m still asking myself that question.
If You’re So Smart, Why Aren’t You Happy?, by Raj Raghunathan, seems like your run-of-the-mill, depression, self-help book. What differentiates this one from the others is that the author is not an M.D., nor does he have a background in psychology. Instead, Raghunathan is a business professor who sets out to find how people who are both smart and successful, can still be unhappy.
The author comes across as likeable, and very passionate about his chosen topic. The book seems to be a labor of love, thoroughly researched, and meticulously referenced. There is nothing really groundbreaking or profound about his conclusions. He obviously has read many books regarding depression, and he includes many assessments previously found elsewhere. Unfortunately, Raghunathan often glosses over what the reader’s score on the assessment means. Three times I took quizzes at the end of a chapter, and was left without any indication of what my score meant. For example, my score was a 5. A score of 8 and higher means this. A score of 3 or lower means this. Well, what does my score of 5 mean?
The author threw a lot at the wall. Some of it stuck, much of it didn’t. The author presents happiness “sins” and happiness “habits”. He concludes that the three things needed for happiness (without giving anything away) can be abbreviated “MBA” (Get it? He’s a business professor.) Above all else, the author mentions/promotes his website about a dozen times in each chapter… literally, hundreds of times throughout the book! I visited his website, however, did not use any of its resources. This was due to the fact you have to log-in with your full name, e-mail address, and/or access to your Facebook page. Depression is a topic one might speak to a therapist about with a reasonable expectation of confidentiality, not a topic in which you share your quiz results on social media.
There is no cure-all for depression. Some people may find this book to be extremely helpful. Others will look to other sources for help. I took the “Satisfaction with Life” quiz at the beginning, middle, and end of the book. My score did not change. If I’m so smart, why aren’t I happy? I’m still asking myself that question.
December 30, 2017
За разлика от по-голямата част от останалата литература по въпроса, книгата отговаря на въпроса КАК?
Много ми допада в книгата практичният подход на преподавателя по маркетинг, Радж Рагунатан. Радж разполага с необходимата академична подготовка в областта на психологията (доктор по психология и маркетинг), но също така и с приложния поглед на специалиста по маркетинг. Той не само прави преглед на изследванията в областта (докъдето се ограничават много голяма част от авторите), но също така ни посочва къде най-често грешим и какви навици е добре да развием, за да бъдем щастливи. Освен това предлага креативна система от упражнения с цел развиване на тези навици.
Това, което ме вдъхновява е погледът отвъд личното щастие, който показва как навиците за щастие могат да доведат до добруване на организациите и на обществото като цяло.
Много ми допада в книгата практичният подход на преподавателя по маркетинг, Радж Рагунатан. Радж разполага с необходимата академична подготовка в областта на психологията (доктор по психология и маркетинг), но също така и с приложния поглед на специалиста по маркетинг. Той не само прави преглед на изследванията в областта (докъдето се ограничават много голяма част от авторите), но също така ни посочва къде най-често грешим и какви навици е добре да развием, за да бъдем щастливи. Освен това предлага креативна система от упражнения с цел развиване на тези навици.
Това, което ме вдъхновява е погледът отвъд личното щастие, който показва как навиците за щастие могат да доведат до добруване на организациите и на обществото като цяло.
October 4, 2016
No spectacular new findings but an impressively well researched round-up with practical to do's. Make yourself happy and go for it.
April 10, 2018
.
.
.
This book, if you are so smart, why aren’t you
so happy professor Raj shows us The reasons
that makes successful people who are the
smartest people may not be happy, which is as
he said something strange, or not acceptable
as long as happiness is our main goal in life.
.
.
The most thing I like in this book is the exercise,
but unfortunately I couldn’t recognize my result
in some of them .
.
.
In general , Each time I read A help_self book I recognized Why I don’t like this subject, And in each new book I say for myself Let’s try this one, it’s may be different, and yes this was a different book , maybe it’s not good as Much as I thought
But I enjoyed reading it.
.
.
.
.
This book, if you are so smart, why aren’t you
so happy professor Raj shows us The reasons
that makes successful people who are the
smartest people may not be happy, which is as
he said something strange, or not acceptable
as long as happiness is our main goal in life.
.
.
The most thing I like in this book is the exercise,
but unfortunately I couldn’t recognize my result
in some of them .
.
.
In general , Each time I read A help_self book I recognized Why I don’t like this subject, And in each new book I say for myself Let’s try this one, it’s may be different, and yes this was a different book , maybe it’s not good as Much as I thought
But I enjoyed reading it.
.
.
March 17, 2017
This book is awesome! I've read a zillion happiness books (and sort of heart them all), but what sets this one apart is that it's both a review of the literature (in a fun, anecdotal way) and also a little guide book: Seven happiness killers and seven happiness exercises.
SUPPOSEDLY there's a Website that has the exercises and little assessments and such, along with a free Coursera course, but I finished this like 5 days after he launched his Web site, and it was performing crash/craptastically.
Besides the crashtastic Web site (www.happysmarts.com), which I'm sure will improve, this book hit the spot for this happiness-obsessed guy. Practical, little habits to help boost happiness and reduce unhappiness.
Good work, Raj!
SUPPOSEDLY there's a Website that has the exercises and little assessments and such, along with a free Coursera course, but I finished this like 5 days after he launched his Web site, and it was performing crash/craptastically.
Besides the crashtastic Web site (www.happysmarts.com), which I'm sure will improve, this book hit the spot for this happiness-obsessed guy. Practical, little habits to help boost happiness and reduce unhappiness.
Good work, Raj!
July 18, 2016
Raj Raghunathan does a fantastic job of hitting home on the root causes of our unhappiness. Through the use of interesting and eye-opening case studies backed by rigorous testing and research, 'If You're So Smart, Why Aren't You Happy?' is no doubt one of the best science-backed resources to help you start prioritizing happiness released this year.
Each chapter provides VERY practical exercises in combating the 'deadly happiness sins' as Raghunathan likes to call them.
Deadly Happiness Sins:
1. Devaluing Happiness
2. Chasing Superiority
3. Desperation For Love
4. Being Overly Controlling
5. Distrusting Others
6. Passionate/Indifferent Pursuit Of Passion
7. Mind Addiction
This is a book for the shelves and one to pass onto others for sure.
5/5 Fish
Each chapter provides VERY practical exercises in combating the 'deadly happiness sins' as Raghunathan likes to call them.
Deadly Happiness Sins:
1. Devaluing Happiness
2. Chasing Superiority
3. Desperation For Love
4. Being Overly Controlling
5. Distrusting Others
6. Passionate/Indifferent Pursuit Of Passion
7. Mind Addiction
This is a book for the shelves and one to pass onto others for sure.
5/5 Fish
March 22, 2020
It was a decent book. For me, it wasn't interesting enough to keep me hooked all the time. I found myself thinking 'i can't wait to finish this book'. I think reason is that i didn't learn lot of novel ideas. Things that he recommended along with the data he used to support his arguments were mostly familiar to me. Just not interesting enough. He did provide resources on becoming happier which I did like and hope to utilize in the future.
June 19, 2016
I received this book through a Goodreads giveaway. I enjoyed the approach of the book where the author lays out happiness killers and then presents approaches to overcome our own roadblocks. I thought the book was insightful and realized I am guilty of several of these happiness killing habits. I felt all the recommendations were practical and achievable. Definitely worth reading.
May 29, 2016
To re-read in October 2016.
May 10, 2016
Wonderful advice. Well written. Truly helpful. Won courtesy of goodreads giveaway
May 18, 2016
As a follow-up to the Coursera course on Happiness this book is a wonderful read ... would recommend it for everyone.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 4, 2016
The author has put in six years of work and this essentially reaffirms the behaviour one needs to cultivate to live a happier life. Giving and mindfulness are the key takeaways for me. Great effort.
May 31, 2025
My biggest takeaways from this book:
- People often undervalue happiness because they see it as a squishy, abstract concept. But it can be defined—the author conceptualizes it as a state of harmony and abundance—and defining it is the first step in making it a priority
- Being generous to others facilitates happiness
- Trust people (within reason)..excess cynicism is bad
- Make more decisions based on intuition/gut feelings
- Do things that get you into a "flow" state
- Mindfulness practices have actual benefits for the brain!
I didn't do the exercises that the author suggested, but I think this was still a worthwhile read.
- People often undervalue happiness because they see it as a squishy, abstract concept. But it can be defined—the author conceptualizes it as a state of harmony and abundance—and defining it is the first step in making it a priority
- Being generous to others facilitates happiness
- Trust people (within reason)..excess cynicism is bad
- Make more decisions based on intuition/gut feelings
- Do things that get you into a "flow" state
- Mindfulness practices have actual benefits for the brain!
I didn't do the exercises that the author suggested, but I think this was still a worthwhile read.
June 12, 2025
Fundamentele paradox van geluk: “het idee dat hoewel geluk een van onze belangrijkste doelen is, mensen dit dikwijls vergeten en door andere doelen worden afgeleid - zoals ‘waar voor je geld’.” Andere afleidingen: geld, succes, status, bezit, spullen, hedonisme…
Aantekeningen voor mezelf gemaakt. Eén grote spoiler.
De zeven doodzonden van geluk, en wat we in plaats daarvan wel moeten doen:
1. Het devalueren van geluk. Wel doen: van geluk een prioriteit maken zonder het na te jagen;
2. Het nastreven van superioriteit. Wel doen: streven naar flow;
3. Smachten naar liefde. Wel doen: de behoefte om lief te hebben (en te geven);
4. Te veel willen controleren. Wel doen: interne controle;
5. Anderen wantrouwen. Wel doen: slim vertrouwen;
6. Gepassioneerd / onverschillig najagen van passies. Wel doen: níet gepassioneerd najagen van passies;
7. Verstandsverslaving. Wel doen: mindfulness.
Doodzonde 1: bagatelliseren
Redenen waarom we geluk bagatelliseren:
- Te abstract. Geld, roem, status is concreter;
- Negatieve opvattingen over geluk: maakt ons lui, duurt maar kort, verveelt…;
- We denken er niet aan wegens afgeleid door urgenties in het leven.
Geluk vergroot als je er aandacht voor hebt zonder het na te jagen:
- Zoek uit wat geluk voor je betekent. Kahnemann: twee soorten geluk, (1) hoe je je nu voelt, (2) hoe tevreden je over het algemeen bent met je leven;
- Geluk een plaats geven in je leven.
Geluk als overvloed = “het gevoel dat voortkomt uit de overtuiging dat je voldoende hebt - zelfs meer dan voldoende - van alles wat je maar in het leven zou kunnen wensen: geld, liefde, geluk, en wat dies meer zij.”
Harmonie = “het gevoel dat je hebt als je niet ergens anders wilt zijn en niet iets anders wilt doen.” Is aanvaarding.
Harmonie en overvloed verschillen van apathie door optimisme; apathie is hulpeloosheid.
Harmonie en overvloed zijn innerlijke vermogens om “alles het hoofd te bieden wat in het leven op je weg komt.”
Doodzonde twee: superioriteitsbehoefte
“De tweede doodzonde van geluk is het nastreven van superioriteit.” Superioriteit is een diepe behoefte in ons voor overleving, autonomie, goedkeuring. Naarmate je superioriteitsbehoefte stijgt, daalt je geluksgevoel. Let op: het gaat dus om de behoefte. Waarom negatief voor geluk:
- Superioriteit kan niet objectief worden gemeten om te vergelijken. Daarom afgeleide metingen: aantal volgers, inkomen, etc. Hierdoor gaan mensen zich richten op die entiteiten ipv superioriteit op zichzelf - het werkt materialisme in de hand. Materialisme gaat op lange termijn ten koste van geluksgevoel wegens gewenning en dat het egocentrisme in de hand werkt itt medeleven;
- Superioriteit is een wankele basis voor geluk (afh van anderen en moment);
- Negatieve impact op relaties;
- Je gaat je vergelijken met anderen.
Wel doen:
- Alert zijn op situaties die superioriteitsbehoefte stimuleren: situaties waarin we ons onzeker voelen; situaties waarin we worden geconfronteerd met veel materieel succes;
- Streven naar flow: aangenaam in het moment; in flow voel je beheersing (fundamentele behoefte); inspirerend voor anderen. Te bereiken door uitzoeken: waar liggen je talenten, wat doe je graag, wat heeft de wereld nodig?
- Zelfcompassie: aardig zijn voor jezelf, medemenselijkheid, mindfulness;
- Dankbaarheid oefenen wanneer het goed met ons gaat.
Doodzonde drie: smachten naar liefde
Wezenskenmerk van menszijn is streven naar emotionele verbondenheid met anderen. Er is een dunne scheidslijn tussen een gezond en ongezond verlangen naar liefde en verbondenheid. Gezond: geen moeite hebben met streven naar verbinding en met het streven van anderen; ongezond: ‘behoeftig’, wanhopig, of je bedreigd voelen als een ander intiem met jou wil worden: behoeftigheid en vermijdingsgedrag. Komen beide voort uit onzekerheid over relaties; dit is de bron van smachten maar liefde. Komt voort uit hechting. Waarom negatief voor geluk:
- Behoeftig is onaantrekkelijk; anderen knappen erop af;
- Behoeftigheid leidt tot eenzaamheid. Vicieuze cirkel want dit vergroot weer behoeftigheid;
- Zelfverhaal van behoeftige is dat je zelfstandig onvolledig en onvoldoende bent;
- Vermijders hebben minder kwaliteit in relaties;
- Vermijders minder tevreden over hulp die ze van anderen krijgen;
- Vermijden leidt tot eenzaamheid. Imago van kracht en zelfstandigheid is een facade.
Wat wel doen:
- Dankbaarheid;
- Zelfcompassie;
- Ontwikkelen van de behoefte om lief te hebben en te geven. Leidt af van jezelf; wederkerigheid; verbetert je gezondheid; leidt tot een positief zelfverhaal.
Drie regels voor vrijgevigheid:
- Houd de kosten binnen de perken;
- Gebruik waardevermeerderende strategieën: wees trots, dankbaar dat je het kunt doen;
- Zorg dat je het effect van je vrijgevigheid ziet.
Doodzonde vier: controleren (beheersen)
Waarom mensen behoefte hebben aan controle:
- Competentie: helpt geloven dat we uitkomsten en gebeurtenissen naar onze hand kunnen zetten; dan voelen we ons competenter;
- Autonomie: geeft ons het gevoel niet door anderen te worden gecontroleerd;
Controle uitoefenen op je leven draagt bij aan geluk, maar tot op zekere hoogte, daarna doet het afbreuk - als het verlangen om te controleren jou beheerst -, omdat:
- Niemand vindt door een ander gecontroleerd worden fijn, ook niet door jou; ‘psychologische reactantie’ = neiging om juist extra te doen van wat niet mag;
- Machtsstress = de neiging om stress (woede, frustratie, teleurstelling) te krijgen van dat anderen niet doen wat jij wilt;
- Als we anderen teveel controleren, krijgen we te weinig tegenspel en nemen we slechtere beslissingen;
- Leven is onzeker waardoor je nooit alles kunt beheersen, dus je krijgt teleurstelling als je dat wel probeert;
- Mensen met controledwang nemen in stresssituaties grotere risico’s en daarmee slechtere beslissingen; oa wegens de illusie van controle;
- Je gaat andere dingen opgeven die je ook gelukkig kunnen maken.
Hoe controledwang te verminderen (wel doen):
- Omarm onzekerheid. Onzekerheid is goed bij positieve gebeurtenissen maar niet bij negatieve. Niet teveel hooi op de vork nemen, het gevoel hebben voldoende tijd te hebben.
- Stimuleer interne controle. Emotionele regulering door (1) situatieselectie (vermijden, opzoeken); (2) emotion labeling (de gevoelde emotie hardop benoemen); (3) richten van de aandacht (aandacht verschuiven van negatieve naar positieve gevoelens); (4) cognitieve herwaardering (herinterpreteren van negatieve situatie op je er beter over te voelen).
- Gezond leven leiden: goed eten, meer bewegen, goed slapen.
Vijfde doodzonde: anderen wantrouwen
Het vertrouwen van anderen roept betrouwbaarheid op. Omdat mensen de neiging hebben zich te concentreren op negatieve dingen (evolutionair voordeel), aarzelen we om anderen proactief te vertrouwen. Uit onderzoek van John Gottman blijkt dat er vijf betrouwbare acties nodig zijn om negatieve gevoelens te boven te komen van één onbetrouwbare actie. Hoe cynisch of vertrouwend mensen zijn, bepaalt in hoge mate waaraan mensen het gedrag van anderen toeschrijven. Daarnaast: negatieve gedragingen worden eerder toegeschreven aan interne oorzaken en positieve aan externe oorzaken. Samengevat:
- Mensen vertrouwen is goed voor geluk;
- Vertrouwen wordt over het algemeen beantwoord met betrouwbaar gedrag;
- Toch zijn we doorgaans meer geneigd om anderen te wantrouwen dan te vertrouwen.
Wel doen: slim vertrouwen (nb term van Stephen Covey, Smart trust). Kenmerken:
- Jezelf eraan herinneren dat mensen betrouwbaarder zijn dan je denkt;
- Jezelf herinneren aan de voordelen van proactief vertrouwen;
- Pijn van bedrogen worden minimaliseren (vergeven, zaken in perspectief zien, mensen confronteren met hún onbetrouwbare gedrag) en goed gevoel van bevestiging van vertrouwen maximaliseren;
- Anderen stimuleren tot betrouwbaar gedrag (vertoon zelf goed gedrag zodat anderen je mogen, benadruk overeenkomsten, hartelijk en vriendelijk zijn, opbouwen van een geschiedenis van wederzijds betrouwbaar gedrag).
Doodzonde 6: gepassioneerd/onverschillig najagen van passies
Mensen zijn gelukkiger als ze bezig zijn dan wanneer ze niets te doen hebben, en nog gelukkiger als we iets zinvols doen. Wat niet werkt voor geluk is:
- Bezeten najagen van resultaten en doelen (passies);
- Onverschillig najagen van resultaten en doelen (je staat onverschillig ten aanzien van de resultaten);
Wel doen: niet-gepassioneerd najagen van passies = je hebt een voorkeur voor bepaalde resultaten voordat die zich voordoen, zonder te oordelen nadat ze zich hebben voorgedaan.
Negatieve voorvallen worden na verloop van tijd eerder als zinvol ervaren dan positieve. “(…) de voorvallen in het verleden die wij het meest zinvol vinden dikwijls degene zijn waar wij het negatiefst tegenover stonden toen ze zich voordeden.”
Affective misforecasting = onjuist voorspellen van emotionele reacties. We overschatten stelselmatig de duur en intensiteit van onze gevoelens ten aanzien van actuele gebeurtenissen, zowel negatief (liefdesverdriet) als positief (winnen loterij).
Doodzonde 7: verstandsverslaving
Veel mensen bagatelliseren het belang van hun gevoel en intuïtie bij beslissingen ten gunste van gedachten en rationele overwegingen. Dit noemt de auteur verstandsverslaving. Vooral slimme en succesvolle mensen hebben hier last van. Verstandsverslaving is problematisch vanwege:
- Je gaat geluk bagatelliseren;
- Je ontzegt jezelf de mogelijkheid om de bron van ons creatieve potentieel te benutten.
Wel doen: mindfulness = de activiteit van je brein observeren.
Paradoxen van mindfulness:
- Afstand nemen tot het geobserveerde en er tegelijkertijd mee verbonden zijn;
- Negativiteit wordt afgezwakt als je er innig mee verbonden bent;
- Mindfulness zwakt negatieve gevoelens af en versterkt positieve (zwakt die niet af…).
GHB = gedrag beïnvloedt houding: door je op een bepaalde manier te gedragen, ga je je uiteindelijk ook zo voelen. Door je mindful te gedragen, ga je je ook zo voelen.
Het gaat bij mindfulness niet om minder denken maar om het veranderen van je relatie met je gedachten.
Aantekeningen voor mezelf gemaakt. Eén grote spoiler.
De zeven doodzonden van geluk, en wat we in plaats daarvan wel moeten doen:
1. Het devalueren van geluk. Wel doen: van geluk een prioriteit maken zonder het na te jagen;
2. Het nastreven van superioriteit. Wel doen: streven naar flow;
3. Smachten naar liefde. Wel doen: de behoefte om lief te hebben (en te geven);
4. Te veel willen controleren. Wel doen: interne controle;
5. Anderen wantrouwen. Wel doen: slim vertrouwen;
6. Gepassioneerd / onverschillig najagen van passies. Wel doen: níet gepassioneerd najagen van passies;
7. Verstandsverslaving. Wel doen: mindfulness.
Doodzonde 1: bagatelliseren
Redenen waarom we geluk bagatelliseren:
- Te abstract. Geld, roem, status is concreter;
- Negatieve opvattingen over geluk: maakt ons lui, duurt maar kort, verveelt…;
- We denken er niet aan wegens afgeleid door urgenties in het leven.
Geluk vergroot als je er aandacht voor hebt zonder het na te jagen:
- Zoek uit wat geluk voor je betekent. Kahnemann: twee soorten geluk, (1) hoe je je nu voelt, (2) hoe tevreden je over het algemeen bent met je leven;
- Geluk een plaats geven in je leven.
Geluk als overvloed = “het gevoel dat voortkomt uit de overtuiging dat je voldoende hebt - zelfs meer dan voldoende - van alles wat je maar in het leven zou kunnen wensen: geld, liefde, geluk, en wat dies meer zij.”
Harmonie = “het gevoel dat je hebt als je niet ergens anders wilt zijn en niet iets anders wilt doen.” Is aanvaarding.
Harmonie en overvloed verschillen van apathie door optimisme; apathie is hulpeloosheid.
Harmonie en overvloed zijn innerlijke vermogens om “alles het hoofd te bieden wat in het leven op je weg komt.”
Doodzonde twee: superioriteitsbehoefte
“De tweede doodzonde van geluk is het nastreven van superioriteit.” Superioriteit is een diepe behoefte in ons voor overleving, autonomie, goedkeuring. Naarmate je superioriteitsbehoefte stijgt, daalt je geluksgevoel. Let op: het gaat dus om de behoefte. Waarom negatief voor geluk:
- Superioriteit kan niet objectief worden gemeten om te vergelijken. Daarom afgeleide metingen: aantal volgers, inkomen, etc. Hierdoor gaan mensen zich richten op die entiteiten ipv superioriteit op zichzelf - het werkt materialisme in de hand. Materialisme gaat op lange termijn ten koste van geluksgevoel wegens gewenning en dat het egocentrisme in de hand werkt itt medeleven;
- Superioriteit is een wankele basis voor geluk (afh van anderen en moment);
- Negatieve impact op relaties;
- Je gaat je vergelijken met anderen.
Wel doen:
- Alert zijn op situaties die superioriteitsbehoefte stimuleren: situaties waarin we ons onzeker voelen; situaties waarin we worden geconfronteerd met veel materieel succes;
- Streven naar flow: aangenaam in het moment; in flow voel je beheersing (fundamentele behoefte); inspirerend voor anderen. Te bereiken door uitzoeken: waar liggen je talenten, wat doe je graag, wat heeft de wereld nodig?
- Zelfcompassie: aardig zijn voor jezelf, medemenselijkheid, mindfulness;
- Dankbaarheid oefenen wanneer het goed met ons gaat.
Doodzonde drie: smachten naar liefde
Wezenskenmerk van menszijn is streven naar emotionele verbondenheid met anderen. Er is een dunne scheidslijn tussen een gezond en ongezond verlangen naar liefde en verbondenheid. Gezond: geen moeite hebben met streven naar verbinding en met het streven van anderen; ongezond: ‘behoeftig’, wanhopig, of je bedreigd voelen als een ander intiem met jou wil worden: behoeftigheid en vermijdingsgedrag. Komen beide voort uit onzekerheid over relaties; dit is de bron van smachten maar liefde. Komt voort uit hechting. Waarom negatief voor geluk:
- Behoeftig is onaantrekkelijk; anderen knappen erop af;
- Behoeftigheid leidt tot eenzaamheid. Vicieuze cirkel want dit vergroot weer behoeftigheid;
- Zelfverhaal van behoeftige is dat je zelfstandig onvolledig en onvoldoende bent;
- Vermijders hebben minder kwaliteit in relaties;
- Vermijders minder tevreden over hulp die ze van anderen krijgen;
- Vermijden leidt tot eenzaamheid. Imago van kracht en zelfstandigheid is een facade.
Wat wel doen:
- Dankbaarheid;
- Zelfcompassie;
- Ontwikkelen van de behoefte om lief te hebben en te geven. Leidt af van jezelf; wederkerigheid; verbetert je gezondheid; leidt tot een positief zelfverhaal.
Drie regels voor vrijgevigheid:
- Houd de kosten binnen de perken;
- Gebruik waardevermeerderende strategieën: wees trots, dankbaar dat je het kunt doen;
- Zorg dat je het effect van je vrijgevigheid ziet.
Doodzonde vier: controleren (beheersen)
Waarom mensen behoefte hebben aan controle:
- Competentie: helpt geloven dat we uitkomsten en gebeurtenissen naar onze hand kunnen zetten; dan voelen we ons competenter;
- Autonomie: geeft ons het gevoel niet door anderen te worden gecontroleerd;
Controle uitoefenen op je leven draagt bij aan geluk, maar tot op zekere hoogte, daarna doet het afbreuk - als het verlangen om te controleren jou beheerst -, omdat:
- Niemand vindt door een ander gecontroleerd worden fijn, ook niet door jou; ‘psychologische reactantie’ = neiging om juist extra te doen van wat niet mag;
- Machtsstress = de neiging om stress (woede, frustratie, teleurstelling) te krijgen van dat anderen niet doen wat jij wilt;
- Als we anderen teveel controleren, krijgen we te weinig tegenspel en nemen we slechtere beslissingen;
- Leven is onzeker waardoor je nooit alles kunt beheersen, dus je krijgt teleurstelling als je dat wel probeert;
- Mensen met controledwang nemen in stresssituaties grotere risico’s en daarmee slechtere beslissingen; oa wegens de illusie van controle;
- Je gaat andere dingen opgeven die je ook gelukkig kunnen maken.
Hoe controledwang te verminderen (wel doen):
- Omarm onzekerheid. Onzekerheid is goed bij positieve gebeurtenissen maar niet bij negatieve. Niet teveel hooi op de vork nemen, het gevoel hebben voldoende tijd te hebben.
- Stimuleer interne controle. Emotionele regulering door (1) situatieselectie (vermijden, opzoeken); (2) emotion labeling (de gevoelde emotie hardop benoemen); (3) richten van de aandacht (aandacht verschuiven van negatieve naar positieve gevoelens); (4) cognitieve herwaardering (herinterpreteren van negatieve situatie op je er beter over te voelen).
- Gezond leven leiden: goed eten, meer bewegen, goed slapen.
Vijfde doodzonde: anderen wantrouwen
Het vertrouwen van anderen roept betrouwbaarheid op. Omdat mensen de neiging hebben zich te concentreren op negatieve dingen (evolutionair voordeel), aarzelen we om anderen proactief te vertrouwen. Uit onderzoek van John Gottman blijkt dat er vijf betrouwbare acties nodig zijn om negatieve gevoelens te boven te komen van één onbetrouwbare actie. Hoe cynisch of vertrouwend mensen zijn, bepaalt in hoge mate waaraan mensen het gedrag van anderen toeschrijven. Daarnaast: negatieve gedragingen worden eerder toegeschreven aan interne oorzaken en positieve aan externe oorzaken. Samengevat:
- Mensen vertrouwen is goed voor geluk;
- Vertrouwen wordt over het algemeen beantwoord met betrouwbaar gedrag;
- Toch zijn we doorgaans meer geneigd om anderen te wantrouwen dan te vertrouwen.
Wel doen: slim vertrouwen (nb term van Stephen Covey, Smart trust). Kenmerken:
- Jezelf eraan herinneren dat mensen betrouwbaarder zijn dan je denkt;
- Jezelf herinneren aan de voordelen van proactief vertrouwen;
- Pijn van bedrogen worden minimaliseren (vergeven, zaken in perspectief zien, mensen confronteren met hún onbetrouwbare gedrag) en goed gevoel van bevestiging van vertrouwen maximaliseren;
- Anderen stimuleren tot betrouwbaar gedrag (vertoon zelf goed gedrag zodat anderen je mogen, benadruk overeenkomsten, hartelijk en vriendelijk zijn, opbouwen van een geschiedenis van wederzijds betrouwbaar gedrag).
Doodzonde 6: gepassioneerd/onverschillig najagen van passies
Mensen zijn gelukkiger als ze bezig zijn dan wanneer ze niets te doen hebben, en nog gelukkiger als we iets zinvols doen. Wat niet werkt voor geluk is:
- Bezeten najagen van resultaten en doelen (passies);
- Onverschillig najagen van resultaten en doelen (je staat onverschillig ten aanzien van de resultaten);
Wel doen: niet-gepassioneerd najagen van passies = je hebt een voorkeur voor bepaalde resultaten voordat die zich voordoen, zonder te oordelen nadat ze zich hebben voorgedaan.
Negatieve voorvallen worden na verloop van tijd eerder als zinvol ervaren dan positieve. “(…) de voorvallen in het verleden die wij het meest zinvol vinden dikwijls degene zijn waar wij het negatiefst tegenover stonden toen ze zich voordeden.”
Affective misforecasting = onjuist voorspellen van emotionele reacties. We overschatten stelselmatig de duur en intensiteit van onze gevoelens ten aanzien van actuele gebeurtenissen, zowel negatief (liefdesverdriet) als positief (winnen loterij).
Doodzonde 7: verstandsverslaving
Veel mensen bagatelliseren het belang van hun gevoel en intuïtie bij beslissingen ten gunste van gedachten en rationele overwegingen. Dit noemt de auteur verstandsverslaving. Vooral slimme en succesvolle mensen hebben hier last van. Verstandsverslaving is problematisch vanwege:
- Je gaat geluk bagatelliseren;
- Je ontzegt jezelf de mogelijkheid om de bron van ons creatieve potentieel te benutten.
Wel doen: mindfulness = de activiteit van je brein observeren.
Paradoxen van mindfulness:
- Afstand nemen tot het geobserveerde en er tegelijkertijd mee verbonden zijn;
- Negativiteit wordt afgezwakt als je er innig mee verbonden bent;
- Mindfulness zwakt negatieve gevoelens af en versterkt positieve (zwakt die niet af…).
GHB = gedrag beïnvloedt houding: door je op een bepaalde manier te gedragen, ga je je uiteindelijk ook zo voelen. Door je mindful te gedragen, ga je je ook zo voelen.
Het gaat bij mindfulness niet om minder denken maar om het veranderen van je relatie met je gedachten.
May 30, 2020
Very enjoyable and very accessible. The author gives helpful advice and links to exercises to put into practice. It is really easy to put his suggestions into practice and see which ones work for you quickly and easily.
To get the most out of this book, read chapters A and B then do the exercises.
To get the most out of this book, read chapters A and B then do the exercises.
December 23, 2017
Brilliant. I began this book because I was curious about an analysis and theories of the conditions that bring about unhappiness/happiness. So an academic kind of interest.
However not long after starting I realised that many of the strategies or choices that Raj describes that contribute to unhappiness are strategies that I have instinctively adopted in my life. So I'm perhaps not as happy as I thought I was - and I considered myself pretty happy.
From time to time, the book can get a little too excited about relating the results of psychological experiements that are the underpinning of many of his happiness habits/strategies. But the gold is the way he distils many contemporary theories in positive psychology succinctly, and then sends you on your way with realistic exercises and strategies. As he himself admits, if you read the book but didn't do the exercises, the value of the book would be limited. But if you didn't read the book, but did the exercises, you'll probably get a lot more out of the book.
Raj has also designed a Coursera course that covers a lot of the material in the book, which I think I'm going to do:
https://www.coursera.org/learn/happiness
Why am I interested in all of this if I feel relatively happy? It feels satisfying to do a bit of a mental/emotional/psychological spring clean after a tough few years. It's exciting to replace counter productive bad habits and replace them with new positive habits.
However not long after starting I realised that many of the strategies or choices that Raj describes that contribute to unhappiness are strategies that I have instinctively adopted in my life. So I'm perhaps not as happy as I thought I was - and I considered myself pretty happy.
From time to time, the book can get a little too excited about relating the results of psychological experiements that are the underpinning of many of his happiness habits/strategies. But the gold is the way he distils many contemporary theories in positive psychology succinctly, and then sends you on your way with realistic exercises and strategies. As he himself admits, if you read the book but didn't do the exercises, the value of the book would be limited. But if you didn't read the book, but did the exercises, you'll probably get a lot more out of the book.
Raj has also designed a Coursera course that covers a lot of the material in the book, which I think I'm going to do:
https://www.coursera.org/learn/happiness
Why am I interested in all of this if I feel relatively happy? It feels satisfying to do a bit of a mental/emotional/psychological spring clean after a tough few years. It's exciting to replace counter productive bad habits and replace them with new positive habits.
August 1, 2016
I mostly liked this book. And that's noteworthy because for large parts of it I didn't like the book. Particularly in the early chapters, many sections seemed like broad sweeping statements based purely on in-class quizzes that the author gave his students over the years to build up this edifice of logic about how to be happy across a variety of factors. Much of that edifice felt poorly grounded and I don't buy the full validity of his in-class sampling as research.
That said, the end results of a lot of it felt like it contained a fair amount of wisdom, and so in the end I'd have to say I still like it, would recommend it, and think it has value. I might even go back and reread parts of it. I would have very much preferred if the author had dropped some of the quizzes and exercises in favor of more focus on the highest impact items, but I also buy the idea that doing so might do a disservice to the topic in this case. As such, while a bit grudgingly, I'd say this is worth reading.
That said, the end results of a lot of it felt like it contained a fair amount of wisdom, and so in the end I'd have to say I still like it, would recommend it, and think it has value. I might even go back and reread parts of it. I would have very much preferred if the author had dropped some of the quizzes and exercises in favor of more focus on the highest impact items, but I also buy the idea that doing so might do a disservice to the topic in this case. As such, while a bit grudgingly, I'd say this is worth reading.
September 25, 2016
This book is directed at the working stiffs who need to unbend or tighten up as the author determines which attitude or practice will achieve happiness. A do it yourself, pep up yourself book with lots of quizzes, scorings and suggestions. A bit tedious and self important at times but would have been useful to me at a younger age. Too happy to really find it useful now, but one special thing this book offers and made me admire and like the author is that he offers the book on line, even has a pay forward way to get a copy. Very nice, such generosity makes me happy.
September 24, 2016
Een nieuwe favoriet. Dit is weer zo'n boek dat onderdeel van je leven gaat worden. Heel interessant om erachter te komen waarom je nou (on) gelukkig bent en hoe dat te veranderen / verbeteren. Redelijk zware kost, maar het is het zeker waard. Nogal wetenschappelijk benadert de schrijver alle aspecten en worden vele onderzoeken aangehaald. Maar elk aspect wordt terug gebracht naar de praktijk en omgezet in oefeningen of vragen waar je uren over kunt nadenken. Ik zou geen reden kunnen bedenken waarom je het niet zou lezen, of je nou gelukkig of ongelukkig bent (of iets ertussenin).
August 13, 2016
Happiness; all its aspects, are examined and analysed in detail, in a scientific manner, fortified with the results of a host of experiments carried out by the masters of the subject. At many points, readers are asked to participate in exercises, for them to know, how their own minds work in connection with one or the other aspect of happiness. The book certainly contributes to the reader's quest for happiness. The book is for serious reading, and will be revisited by a serious reader.
July 16, 2016
I enjoyed this book. A great read for those who rely heavily on logic and reasoning in making decisions. The book has 7 sections in which you can apply changes, and one of them is overthinking choices. The author argues in depth in one of the sections that relying on your gut instinct can save you time and increase happiness on choices that is not measurable. Good actions steps and guides to apply to your life. Also, there is a coursera course to go along if you need extra guidance.
September 1, 2016
I heard about the book from the Art Of Charm podcast series and was captivated by the research and ideas right away.
Such a good compilation of research and interesting finding combined with exercises on how we can improve our own happiness. Definitely recommend this book!
Such a good compilation of research and interesting finding combined with exercises on how we can improve our own happiness. Definitely recommend this book!
August 30, 2016
Why are smart people not happy? Because they don't actually choose happiness, but often chooses money and fame instead. The author listed many practical ways to increase our happiness level, such as finding flow, get connected, be trusting, help others Etc.
July 21, 2016
I took his class and it was excellent. I hope to refer back to this book.
August 13, 2016
A really good book about human behavior and meta-cognition. Highly recommend it to all interested in psychology, behavior and self-analysis.
August 20, 2016
A most informative and well researched book. This book highlights how something that make us smart and successful can undermine our happiness. Hearty Thanks to iMusti.
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