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How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't
The former Sex & Relationships Editor for Cosmopolitan and host of the wildly popular comedy show Tinder Live with Lane Moore presents her poignant, funny, and deeply moving first book.
Lane Moore is a rare performer who is as impressive onstage—whether hosting her iconic show Tinder Live or being the enigmatic front woman of It Was Romance—as she is on the page, as both a former writer for The Onion and an award-winning sex and relationships editor for Cosmopolitan. But her story has had its obstacles, including being her own parent, living in her car as a teenager, and moving to New York City to pursue her dreams. Through it all, she looked to movies, TV, and music as the family and support systems she never had.
From spending the holidays alone to having better “stranger luck” than with those closest to her to feeling like the last hopeless romantic on earth, Lane reveals her powerful and entertaining journey in all its candor, anxiety, and ultimate acceptance—with humor always her bolstering force and greatest gift.
How to Be Alone is a must-read for anyone whose childhood still feels unresolved, who spends more time pretending to have friends online than feeling close to anyone in real life, who tries to have genuine, deep conversations in a roomful of people who would rather you not. Above all, it’s a book for anyone who desperately wants to feel less alone and a little more connected through reading her words.
Lane Moore is a rare performer who is as impressive onstage—whether hosting her iconic show Tinder Live or being the enigmatic front woman of It Was Romance—as she is on the page, as both a former writer for The Onion and an award-winning sex and relationships editor for Cosmopolitan. But her story has had its obstacles, including being her own parent, living in her car as a teenager, and moving to New York City to pursue her dreams. Through it all, she looked to movies, TV, and music as the family and support systems she never had.
From spending the holidays alone to having better “stranger luck” than with those closest to her to feeling like the last hopeless romantic on earth, Lane reveals her powerful and entertaining journey in all its candor, anxiety, and ultimate acceptance—with humor always her bolstering force and greatest gift.
How to Be Alone is a must-read for anyone whose childhood still feels unresolved, who spends more time pretending to have friends online than feeling close to anyone in real life, who tries to have genuine, deep conversations in a roomful of people who would rather you not. Above all, it’s a book for anyone who desperately wants to feel less alone and a little more connected through reading her words.
224 pages, Paperback
First published November 6, 2018
About the author
Lane Moore
6 books311 followersLane Moore is an award-winning writer, comedian, actor, and musician. She is the host of I Thought It Was Just Me podcast.
Her first book, How To Be Alone: If You Want To And Even If You Don’t became a #1 bestseller and was praised as one of the best books of the year by The New York Times, New York Magazine, and NPR. Her second book, You Will Find Your People, will be released in 2023.
Her comedy show “Tinder Live!” is regarded as one of the best comedy shows around and has been praised by The New York Times, Spin Magazine, Entertainment Tonight, CBS, Time Out New York, and New York Magazine.
As a musician, Moore is the frontperson and songwriter in the band “It Was Romance,” which BUST Magazine named the Best Band of 2015, and Billboard named one of 16 Female-Fronted Bands You Should Know.
Moore has written for The Onion, The New Yorker Shouts and Murmurs, The Washington Post, Teen Vogue, GQ, Glamour, and Playboy. In her time as the the Sex and Relationships Editor at Cosmopolitan, she won a GLAAD award for her groundbreaking work championing diverse, inclusive coverage.
Her first book, How To Be Alone: If You Want To And Even If You Don’t became a #1 bestseller and was praised as one of the best books of the year by The New York Times, New York Magazine, and NPR. Her second book, You Will Find Your People, will be released in 2023.
Her comedy show “Tinder Live!” is regarded as one of the best comedy shows around and has been praised by The New York Times, Spin Magazine, Entertainment Tonight, CBS, Time Out New York, and New York Magazine.
As a musician, Moore is the frontperson and songwriter in the band “It Was Romance,” which BUST Magazine named the Best Band of 2015, and Billboard named one of 16 Female-Fronted Bands You Should Know.
Moore has written for The Onion, The New Yorker Shouts and Murmurs, The Washington Post, Teen Vogue, GQ, Glamour, and Playboy. In her time as the the Sex and Relationships Editor at Cosmopolitan, she won a GLAAD award for her groundbreaking work championing diverse, inclusive coverage.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 991 reviews
October 16, 2018
I am pleased that I was given the chance to read this book but I was left with confusion on what exactly I read. I felt that the message and title of the book was very misleading. I thought it was going to be about people that are alone and how to overcome the challenges that are associated with being alone. But, the story was focused primarily about Lane Moore's life and "not being alone."
I think that being "alone" can mean different things to different people and clearly I feel that the message behind Moore's book was she had romantic relationships, friends, etc and felt completely alone in the world. I feel like because I was so focused on it being the latter of what I felt the book should be about.. I just was pretty disappointed.
I think the novel would have been a lot stronger if Lane Moore offered advice at the end of each chapter behind her stories of her life.
Overall, 2.5 stars on this for me.
Huge thank you to Atria and Netgalley for a copy of this arc in exchange for my honest review.
Publication date: 11/6/18
Published to GR: 10/15/18
November 7, 2018
This review originally appeared in Bitch Magazine:
Dear Lane,
Initially, I was skeptical about reading your memoir How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don’t. “How to be alone?” my lady brain snarked. “How to be in a relationship that lasts longer than six months is what I need.” I’ve been single for most of my adult life, and I’ve attended a lot of therapy about it. Despite the fact that there were 110 million unmarried people in the United States in 2016, it’s still hard to be a single woman. There are more financial, emotional, and social costs to living outside of a relationship than is usually discussed with any nuance, empathy, or compassion. I’m an expert on the single lady experience: I’ve read many books—and wrote one—about the subject.
I’ve ranted in the pages of Bitch about the single-lady-industrial complex, led by Steve fucking Harvey, that advises Black women on how we can become more worthy of companionship. Despite my cynicism, I got out of my own way—and let your amazing story break my heart wide open. How To Be Alone’s vulnerability, humor, and naked emotion was profoundly healing, and reading it was one of the first times I recognized myself in nonfiction. When you describe yourself as a “real-life Matilda: surrounded by biological family, who, in constantly rotating ways, couldn’t be bothered,” I was astonished that we’ve both been orphaned in the same way, “alone in a way you can never quite describe to people.” I’m the youngest child of a single mom with a history of mental illness. My brother Jose died a couple of years before I was born, so I was partially named for him.
My mother unraveled as she grieved, which left her unable to parent me or my siblings. By the time she died six years ago, I’d forgiven her, though it still hurts to have been unmothered. I parented her and myself while my siblings were cared for by others. I met my father when I was 18, but he was too inconsistent, wounded, and distant. We tried to understand each other, but too much time had already passed. He died by suicide in 2010.
When I officially became an orphan, I thought that it could be a new beginning for me. It was and it wasn’t. There aren’t many books that explore how to be alone that aren’t about waiting or preparing to become part of a couple because capitalist patriarchy normalizes and valorizes heterosexual romantic relationships. That’s partly why I wrote Single & Happy: The Party of Ones in 2013. But Sasha Cagen’s Quirkyalone, a book that centers people who’d rather be single than settle for the wrong relationship, is probably the best thing I’ve read about learning to enjoy solitude. It’s hard not to be in a relationship, especially this time of year when holiday gatherings typically involve people with families and significant others.
Like you, I have always felt a little weird about finding a soulmate, so I deeply related to your explanation for why relationships are so hard for people like us: “There’s a specific sort of obsession with love that you’re bound to find yourself having once you’ve realized, on any level, that you don’t have a family the way you’re supposed to,” you write. “There’s a need in there to be normal, to be wanted, to belong to anyone, anywhere, as soon as humanly possible, that lends itself to loving super-romantic shit of all kinds.” Your book offered me catharsis as someone who struggles with anxious attachment as a result of surviving childhood trauma.
It made me turn questions that I used to direct at potential partners toward myself. How had I not understood before that I pick unsafe people to love and attach to? Where would I have ever learned a healthier way? One of the most beautiful things about your book is that it complicates narratives around family, belonging, and loneliness. It shatters stigmas and silences with humor while naming deep, codependent patterns in all kinds of relationships. Most books about being single aren’t usually as entertaining and instructive as yours because they react to a canon of nonfiction rooted in heterosexist patriarchy.
Your book is so important because you assert that you can belong to yourself first or even always if you want to—and you can learn to view friends as family instead of becoming fixated on not having the traditional family. You write about wanting to belong to someone so badly that you let yourself become a doormat. You stopped having needs in order to become the perfect partner. Yes. Even when my parents were absent, I was still attached to the idea that their struggles were a form of love. It took a long time to write a different story for myself. But now, I think I can.
One year, I ghosted on a Thanksgiving gathering for orphans, and I was relieved to read that I’m not alone in this experience. You perfectly describe the unconscious torture our beloveds inflict on us by inviting us to these holiday soirées:
“It’s so hard to tell people, ‘Yeah, the holidays kind of bum me out because my best friend as a kid was a caterpillar I kept in a muffin-tin liner in my room.’ You end up feeling like you don’t have a place in the world because your genuine, deeply felt and often beyond-painful feelings about your nontraditional family situation get swept under the rug in favor of easier, more ‘normal’ frustrations with otherwise good families.”
I have always felt lonely at “orphan” Thanksgivings, and as an introvert, I resent being surrounded by strangers, usually in pairs or otherwise unavailable, on a day of national significance. The question I am always negotiating, even after years of therapy, is whether it’s valid to just skip these functions instead of trying to make them work. Holiday gatherings will always be hard if you haven’t had a “normal” experience, but practicing different ways to make them feel better is worth a shot. Reading How to Be Alone is like having real talk with the friend who loves you too much to lie to you. That friend will light the path back to yourself when you get seduced by your own darkness.
The most epic, incredible, soaring parts of your story, are the places where you’re tender, and funny, but also so harrowingly sad and devastated. Your commitment to survival is more than a notion; it’s a balm, an affirmation, an eternal love note, and a sacred love manifestation that starts as a whisper and rises into the atmosphere. How to be Alone gave me closure. What a gift it is to know that there’s another person in the world who’s so brave and true to her spirit that she survived the hardest parts of being alive. Instead of sinking into despair or madness; being waylaid by bitterness or tragedy; or turning the grueling and terrifying dark of isolation against yourself, you’ve transmuted it into a fire so bright that it blazes brilliantly, with a classic, universal humanity. James Baldwin said, “You think your heartbreak is unprecedented in the world, and then you read.” How To Be Alone is like that.
Lane, you deserve every single fucking good thing that happens to you. Thank you for reminding those of us who have survived hard things that we do, too.
With gratitude, admiration, and love,
Joshunda
Dear Lane,
Initially, I was skeptical about reading your memoir How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don’t. “How to be alone?” my lady brain snarked. “How to be in a relationship that lasts longer than six months is what I need.” I’ve been single for most of my adult life, and I’ve attended a lot of therapy about it. Despite the fact that there were 110 million unmarried people in the United States in 2016, it’s still hard to be a single woman. There are more financial, emotional, and social costs to living outside of a relationship than is usually discussed with any nuance, empathy, or compassion. I’m an expert on the single lady experience: I’ve read many books—and wrote one—about the subject.
I’ve ranted in the pages of Bitch about the single-lady-industrial complex, led by Steve fucking Harvey, that advises Black women on how we can become more worthy of companionship. Despite my cynicism, I got out of my own way—and let your amazing story break my heart wide open. How To Be Alone’s vulnerability, humor, and naked emotion was profoundly healing, and reading it was one of the first times I recognized myself in nonfiction. When you describe yourself as a “real-life Matilda: surrounded by biological family, who, in constantly rotating ways, couldn’t be bothered,” I was astonished that we’ve both been orphaned in the same way, “alone in a way you can never quite describe to people.” I’m the youngest child of a single mom with a history of mental illness. My brother Jose died a couple of years before I was born, so I was partially named for him.
My mother unraveled as she grieved, which left her unable to parent me or my siblings. By the time she died six years ago, I’d forgiven her, though it still hurts to have been unmothered. I parented her and myself while my siblings were cared for by others. I met my father when I was 18, but he was too inconsistent, wounded, and distant. We tried to understand each other, but too much time had already passed. He died by suicide in 2010.
When I officially became an orphan, I thought that it could be a new beginning for me. It was and it wasn’t. There aren’t many books that explore how to be alone that aren’t about waiting or preparing to become part of a couple because capitalist patriarchy normalizes and valorizes heterosexual romantic relationships. That’s partly why I wrote Single & Happy: The Party of Ones in 2013. But Sasha Cagen’s Quirkyalone, a book that centers people who’d rather be single than settle for the wrong relationship, is probably the best thing I’ve read about learning to enjoy solitude. It’s hard not to be in a relationship, especially this time of year when holiday gatherings typically involve people with families and significant others.
Like you, I have always felt a little weird about finding a soulmate, so I deeply related to your explanation for why relationships are so hard for people like us: “There’s a specific sort of obsession with love that you’re bound to find yourself having once you’ve realized, on any level, that you don’t have a family the way you’re supposed to,” you write. “There’s a need in there to be normal, to be wanted, to belong to anyone, anywhere, as soon as humanly possible, that lends itself to loving super-romantic shit of all kinds.” Your book offered me catharsis as someone who struggles with anxious attachment as a result of surviving childhood trauma.
It made me turn questions that I used to direct at potential partners toward myself. How had I not understood before that I pick unsafe people to love and attach to? Where would I have ever learned a healthier way? One of the most beautiful things about your book is that it complicates narratives around family, belonging, and loneliness. It shatters stigmas and silences with humor while naming deep, codependent patterns in all kinds of relationships. Most books about being single aren’t usually as entertaining and instructive as yours because they react to a canon of nonfiction rooted in heterosexist patriarchy.
Your book is so important because you assert that you can belong to yourself first or even always if you want to—and you can learn to view friends as family instead of becoming fixated on not having the traditional family. You write about wanting to belong to someone so badly that you let yourself become a doormat. You stopped having needs in order to become the perfect partner. Yes. Even when my parents were absent, I was still attached to the idea that their struggles were a form of love. It took a long time to write a different story for myself. But now, I think I can.
One year, I ghosted on a Thanksgiving gathering for orphans, and I was relieved to read that I’m not alone in this experience. You perfectly describe the unconscious torture our beloveds inflict on us by inviting us to these holiday soirées:
“It’s so hard to tell people, ‘Yeah, the holidays kind of bum me out because my best friend as a kid was a caterpillar I kept in a muffin-tin liner in my room.’ You end up feeling like you don’t have a place in the world because your genuine, deeply felt and often beyond-painful feelings about your nontraditional family situation get swept under the rug in favor of easier, more ‘normal’ frustrations with otherwise good families.”
I have always felt lonely at “orphan” Thanksgivings, and as an introvert, I resent being surrounded by strangers, usually in pairs or otherwise unavailable, on a day of national significance. The question I am always negotiating, even after years of therapy, is whether it’s valid to just skip these functions instead of trying to make them work. Holiday gatherings will always be hard if you haven’t had a “normal” experience, but practicing different ways to make them feel better is worth a shot. Reading How to Be Alone is like having real talk with the friend who loves you too much to lie to you. That friend will light the path back to yourself when you get seduced by your own darkness.
The most epic, incredible, soaring parts of your story, are the places where you’re tender, and funny, but also so harrowingly sad and devastated. Your commitment to survival is more than a notion; it’s a balm, an affirmation, an eternal love note, and a sacred love manifestation that starts as a whisper and rises into the atmosphere. How to be Alone gave me closure. What a gift it is to know that there’s another person in the world who’s so brave and true to her spirit that she survived the hardest parts of being alive. Instead of sinking into despair or madness; being waylaid by bitterness or tragedy; or turning the grueling and terrifying dark of isolation against yourself, you’ve transmuted it into a fire so bright that it blazes brilliantly, with a classic, universal humanity. James Baldwin said, “You think your heartbreak is unprecedented in the world, and then you read.” How To Be Alone is like that.
Lane, you deserve every single fucking good thing that happens to you. Thank you for reminding those of us who have survived hard things that we do, too.
With gratitude, admiration, and love,
Joshunda
July 24, 2023
What is the difference between loneliness and solitude? These two terms are interchangeably and confusingly used by some contemporary authors.
Loneliness and solitude can never be called the same thing. Loneliness is commonly followed by feelings of emptiness and unwantedness. The feeling of loneliness can affect your mental health, which can, in turn, affect your physical health.
Solitude, on the other hand, is a choice of the individual to be alone. They are solitary by choice and enjoy being alone, unlike loneliness.
If we closely observe history, we can see that many great scientists, authors, and philosophers enjoyed the bliss of solitude. It is this solitude that helped them to freshen their mind and make them sharper. We have to get this concept clear before starting this book.
The author, Lana Moore, tells many anecdotes by intermixing with a ting of humor and seriousness in this book. I think this book would have been better if the author had approached the book much more meticulously from the above two angles I mentioned. The stories the author shares are all interesting and exciting to read. We will be slightly confused at one point when we see melancholy behind the author's words. Still, it is a decent book if you are interested to know more about being alone.
—————————————————————————
You can also follow me on
Instagram ID - Dasfill | YouTube Channel ID - Dasfill | YouTube Health Channel ID - Dasfill - Health | YouTube Malayalam Channel ID - Dasfill - Malayalam | Threads ID - Dasfill | Twitter ID - Dasfill1 | Snapchat ID - Dasfill | Facebook ID - Dasfill | TikTok ID - Dasfill1
Loneliness and solitude can never be called the same thing. Loneliness is commonly followed by feelings of emptiness and unwantedness. The feeling of loneliness can affect your mental health, which can, in turn, affect your physical health.
Solitude, on the other hand, is a choice of the individual to be alone. They are solitary by choice and enjoy being alone, unlike loneliness.
If we closely observe history, we can see that many great scientists, authors, and philosophers enjoyed the bliss of solitude. It is this solitude that helped them to freshen their mind and make them sharper. We have to get this concept clear before starting this book.
The author, Lana Moore, tells many anecdotes by intermixing with a ting of humor and seriousness in this book. I think this book would have been better if the author had approached the book much more meticulously from the above two angles I mentioned. The stories the author shares are all interesting and exciting to read. We will be slightly confused at one point when we see melancholy behind the author's words. Still, it is a decent book if you are interested to know more about being alone.
—————————————————————————
You can also follow me on
Instagram ID - Dasfill | YouTube Channel ID - Dasfill | YouTube Health Channel ID - Dasfill - Health | YouTube Malayalam Channel ID - Dasfill - Malayalam | Threads ID - Dasfill | Twitter ID - Dasfill1 | Snapchat ID - Dasfill | Facebook ID - Dasfill | TikTok ID - Dasfill1
November 11, 2018
An authentic and raw memoir told with humor and honesty....
For anybody that has ever felt lonelier in a room full of people than they would if they were Buy themselves.... this is not a self-help book it is a memoir... Lane Moore has laid herself bare in these poignant essays about human connection... from a troubled child, to a tragic teenager, to a triumphant adult... Lane Moore has struggled throughout with making connections that some of us take for granted....
I thoroughly enjoyed Lane’s insights of not only herself but of others as well.... some of these essays were hard to read, but they were all totaled with integrity and a generous dose of humor.... really appreciated that humor was found in even the darkest of situations... some of these essays really resonated with me and I found myself sharing some of the insights with my friend on our weekly walk and my oldest son who is away at college....
This definitely is not my usual type of read, but I thoroughly enjoyed it! It was well written, relatable, and tremendously insightful.... I love humor in my books and this book had a huge dose of that! I absolutely recommend this book I think it will resonate with most people, because most of us have had times in our lives where it was harder to connect then others....
*** many thanks to Atria for my copy ***
For anybody that has ever felt lonelier in a room full of people than they would if they were Buy themselves.... this is not a self-help book it is a memoir... Lane Moore has laid herself bare in these poignant essays about human connection... from a troubled child, to a tragic teenager, to a triumphant adult... Lane Moore has struggled throughout with making connections that some of us take for granted....
I thoroughly enjoyed Lane’s insights of not only herself but of others as well.... some of these essays were hard to read, but they were all totaled with integrity and a generous dose of humor.... really appreciated that humor was found in even the darkest of situations... some of these essays really resonated with me and I found myself sharing some of the insights with my friend on our weekly walk and my oldest son who is away at college....
This definitely is not my usual type of read, but I thoroughly enjoyed it! It was well written, relatable, and tremendously insightful.... I love humor in my books and this book had a huge dose of that! I absolutely recommend this book I think it will resonate with most people, because most of us have had times in our lives where it was harder to connect then others....
*** many thanks to Atria for my copy ***
January 2, 2019
If you think being a conventionally attractive white woman is easy, think again. There has never been anyone on earth who’s had it harder than Lane Moore. She’s the most underprivileged person alive. Her parents were shittier than any other humans that have ever had children before or since. Her boyfriends were all monsters. Every apartment was a slum.
“I truly don’t know anyone with a family who doesn’t use them like a fucking credit card with every dollar matched by cash back rewards.” Bitch. You don’t know anyone who doesn’t do this?
And that was stated after she talked about her high school trip to Germany. Because that’s not privileged. At all.
“I truly don’t know anyone with a family who doesn’t use them like a fucking credit card with every dollar matched by cash back rewards.” Bitch. You don’t know anyone who doesn’t do this?
And that was stated after she talked about her high school trip to Germany. Because that’s not privileged. At all.
October 29, 2018
A very misleading title/premise for this book. It has nothing to do with loneliness or solitary person, it’s more like a biography, very personal, about the author and her own experience with solitude/and not. Closer to a biography, no reflexion or explanation here. If you love this author/person you may enjoy it, but if you are looking for something to help yourself, this isn’t the right book!
February 24, 2019
So here's the thing. On paper, I think I am supposed to fall all over myself about this book. It's a series of essays from a comedian who lives in New York and writes for publications I know and does comedy shows in places I frequent. But...in reality, I could not connect with this book.
Lane Moore is a talented writer, that's a fact. However I couldn't connect with these essays. With a title of "How to Be Alone" I assumed this would focus on empowering oneself to be an independent person, living their best life, despite whatever obstacles may pop up. Instead this focuses on Moore's anger about her family and past, as well as her striving for romantic relationships. It felt empty to me.
The need to fill the hole left by the lack of a support system is very apparent in these essays. I get it, I totally understand, but this writing feels like pre-therapy journal entries of a self-depreciating writer. Find your family. Accept the love and support that your friends offer. (Also, not to be a total bitch, but moving to New York City on your own doesn't make you special, millions of people do it.)
Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the opportunity to read and review this book.
Lane Moore is a talented writer, that's a fact. However I couldn't connect with these essays. With a title of "How to Be Alone" I assumed this would focus on empowering oneself to be an independent person, living their best life, despite whatever obstacles may pop up. Instead this focuses on Moore's anger about her family and past, as well as her striving for romantic relationships. It felt empty to me.
The need to fill the hole left by the lack of a support system is very apparent in these essays. I get it, I totally understand, but this writing feels like pre-therapy journal entries of a self-depreciating writer. Find your family. Accept the love and support that your friends offer. (Also, not to be a total bitch, but moving to New York City on your own doesn't make you special, millions of people do it.)
Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the opportunity to read and review this book.
January 24, 2019
How to be alone: mention your disappointing childhood every other sentence. The end.
March 15, 2019
The author's thoughts, actions and life are not interesting enough to warrant a book. Neither is her writing.
Insipid, at best.
Memorable quote:
When you have a lot of shine to you, as so many bighearted people often do, you can attract a lot of people easily, because people are drawn to it, that kind of light. It can be so easy to forget that not everyone deserves your shine. But when you spend so much of your earliest years being told you have no shine at all, even though you're pretty sure maybe you do, and someone finally tells you they see it too, you do, you have it, you want to give them everything. Because of this, more often than not, you're not falling in love with them, you're using them as a way to fall in love with yourself.
Insipid, at best.
Memorable quote:
When you have a lot of shine to you, as so many bighearted people often do, you can attract a lot of people easily, because people are drawn to it, that kind of light. It can be so easy to forget that not everyone deserves your shine. But when you spend so much of your earliest years being told you have no shine at all, even though you're pretty sure maybe you do, and someone finally tells you they see it too, you do, you have it, you want to give them everything. Because of this, more often than not, you're not falling in love with them, you're using them as a way to fall in love with yourself.
March 9, 2023
This book has 15 chapters. I only enjoyed two.
A couple of my issues with this book:
1. It feels like this author is whining for 80% of the book.
2.It is hard for me to understand why she stays in relationships that are clearly causing her. (Four years later and I just reread this. I have no idea how this sentence was supposed to end. Oh well...)
I did thoroughly enjoy the chapter on Jim Halpern.
A couple of my issues with this book:
1. It feels like this author is whining for 80% of the book.
2.It is hard for me to understand why she stays in relationships that are clearly causing her. (Four years later and I just reread this. I have no idea how this sentence was supposed to end. Oh well...)
I did thoroughly enjoy the chapter on Jim Halpern.
December 11, 2018
I got this bc I’d seen great reviews and love memoirs, but OMG it is basically unreadable. I hated it. And I don’t like the author at all. Ugh.
December 29, 2018
First essay aside, this one is kind of a stinker. It's not at all about "How to Be Alone." Instead it's a collection of vague, loosely-joined autobiographical essays about Moore's dating tragedies and triumphs and her shitty family. All tell, zero show, and little explanation about why she made the choices she made. It's as though she doesn't even realize that she made choices. Bleh. Super disappointing.
January 2, 2021
It's always weird to read a book that pulls so many of your own thoughts and life experiences out for you to examine.
It's nice to know you're not alone in certain mindsets and that you're not crazy for giving up on people pleasing, shrinking and not being who you are to make others feel comfortable.
The amount of reading notes and highlights I made throughout this book were ridiculous. Every page I turned made me go: yeah Lane, girl, you're absolutely right!!!
Lane Moore is a hilarious and effective storyteller.
She highlights the importance of building a new relationship with yourself first by illustrating the personality shifting ways that growing up in an abusive home can fuck with your ability to be the person you need for yourself.
She highlights that abuse isn't always what you think it is. Relationships aren't always what you think they are. Being alone isn't what society tells you it is. She points out the ways that people, especially women, are conditioned to place value on building relationships with others more than building relationships with themselves. She quotes bell hooks, Patti Smith, Neko Case, The Office and more. She has these sidebar quips that seem effortless, but are so empowering, vulnerable, and yet so clear.
She made me think deeply about who I am, what I’ve experienced, and the choices that I make daily to keep myself content. I loved it.
It's nice to know you're not alone in certain mindsets and that you're not crazy for giving up on people pleasing, shrinking and not being who you are to make others feel comfortable.
The amount of reading notes and highlights I made throughout this book were ridiculous. Every page I turned made me go: yeah Lane, girl, you're absolutely right!!!
Lane Moore is a hilarious and effective storyteller.
She highlights the importance of building a new relationship with yourself first by illustrating the personality shifting ways that growing up in an abusive home can fuck with your ability to be the person you need for yourself.
She highlights that abuse isn't always what you think it is. Relationships aren't always what you think they are. Being alone isn't what society tells you it is. She points out the ways that people, especially women, are conditioned to place value on building relationships with others more than building relationships with themselves. She quotes bell hooks, Patti Smith, Neko Case, The Office and more. She has these sidebar quips that seem effortless, but are so empowering, vulnerable, and yet so clear.
She made me think deeply about who I am, what I’ve experienced, and the choices that I make daily to keep myself content. I loved it.
October 27, 2018
Like some of the other reviewers, I was disappointed to find that this book of essays focuses mainly, though not exclusively, on the author's search for a romantic relationship. I was expecting a collection about connecting with yourself and learning to enjoy spending quality time with yourself as a way of recharging from socializing. I identified with some of the author's struggles to connect with other people, and her desperate need for a secure attachment. However, the overall feel of the collection was a bit of a bummer, which is surprising considering Moore is (a) a comedian who (b) writes for the Onion. I didn't even feel like she was making an attempt at wry, self-deprecating humor. I didn't find any humor, honestly. I just felt sad.
I received an ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.
I received an ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.
December 29, 2018
I don't know I guess this is well written. It's just not for me. I felt like sending her a therapy bill for having to grind through all these tedious stories about her struggle to be with other people and to be alone, and her life trauma. She's a comedian so it's passably funny sometimes but not like HAHAHA funny (at all). Just blah.
March 22, 2019
This is a tough one for me to review. I didn't know Lane Moore at all going into this, other than she did a show called 'Tinder Live' that sounded pretty fun (and funny) and unique, and that this book got rave reviews. And I think there's definitely a large segment of the population that needs to read this book, needs to hear what Lane has to say in it, and needs the comfort she can provide through her own traumatic experiences. Also, she's definitely very funny and a legitimately talented writer. She has a very genuine voice, that makes you feel like you're in a conversation with her.
But, having said all that, I was beyond over it by the time the book ended. At first I sympathized with her, and appreciated her openness and vulnerability. By the 17th time she'd name dropped her band or other cool thing she did on the side, because, ohbytheway, did you know that in addition to being a talented writer, and comedian, and artist, and singer, and...I was just like, I think she's maybe just a narcissist and a lot of her problems stem from that. And fine, she has reasons for it, she's working on herself, I get it, I respect it, I'm pulling for her, because she is definitely talented. But I did not want to fucking read about it anymore. I was tired of rolling of my eyes, basically, and tired of her trashing her exes for what, sorry, didn't seem that bad. Maybe there was other stuff that she left off the page, but based on what she gave us, I think the only common denominator in these failed relationships was Lane Moore.
So ultimately, I didn't like the book. Lane Moore is just too much. Too needy, too solipsistic, too narcissistic, too much. I get that's what might make the book great for other people - but I was done by the end. Which is too bad, because I do believe she's talented and smart, and there were lots of really well-written passages in this book that made me think. It wasn't a waste of time by any means, but I was glad to be through with it by the end.
Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't add my biggest gripe - Moore is in such a rush to be past things, that she treats recent incidents as ancient history, like she's grown so much older and wiser in the years since. But she's describing events that happened in this decade. Like, how much growth has she really had? I don't know exactly how old she is, but she's can't be more than 40, so for her to act like things that happened in the 2010s are so long in the past, it's legit infuriating. Here's a sampling of the things that drove me crazy in this book:
"Over the next week, I did a series of Kitchen Karaoke posts (Instagram videos of me singing in my kitchen while chopping vegetables) every single night because the church was so beautiful and my voice sounded so strong and so crisp and I could really hear myself, as if I were listening to someone else sing." (p. 190)
"I didn't understand how somone who seemed to be everything I'd wanted in a person could also become someone so harmful. I had vetted her. I had done everything right. I had worked on myself. Years had passed and I was so much wiser than I was before." (p. 179) Like, maybe a few years, but she'd already said previously that her previous relationship was in the 2010s, so how many years could possibly have passed? I get that you get older and wiser, but relationships are work. Why does she think these things come so easy? She takes zero responsibility for anything in this book. Everything is someone else's fault, and the only fault that Lane Moore has is being too trusting, or too good.
Actually, I'm done. Just re-typing out some of these passages is making me irritated all over again. Like the one where she babysits a kid and then basically anoints herself the world's greatest parent (keeping in mind that all she has to do is be cool to a kid for a few hours a week). Or the many times when she talks about a song she wrote and how it relates to this relationship. God. The more I think about it, the more I think I hated this book. Moving on.
But, having said all that, I was beyond over it by the time the book ended. At first I sympathized with her, and appreciated her openness and vulnerability. By the 17th time she'd name dropped her band or other cool thing she did on the side, because, ohbytheway, did you know that in addition to being a talented writer, and comedian, and artist, and singer, and...I was just like, I think she's maybe just a narcissist and a lot of her problems stem from that. And fine, she has reasons for it, she's working on herself, I get it, I respect it, I'm pulling for her, because she is definitely talented. But I did not want to fucking read about it anymore. I was tired of rolling of my eyes, basically, and tired of her trashing her exes for what, sorry, didn't seem that bad. Maybe there was other stuff that she left off the page, but based on what she gave us, I think the only common denominator in these failed relationships was Lane Moore.
So ultimately, I didn't like the book. Lane Moore is just too much. Too needy, too solipsistic, too narcissistic, too much. I get that's what might make the book great for other people - but I was done by the end. Which is too bad, because I do believe she's talented and smart, and there were lots of really well-written passages in this book that made me think. It wasn't a waste of time by any means, but I was glad to be through with it by the end.
Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't add my biggest gripe - Moore is in such a rush to be past things, that she treats recent incidents as ancient history, like she's grown so much older and wiser in the years since. But she's describing events that happened in this decade. Like, how much growth has she really had? I don't know exactly how old she is, but she's can't be more than 40, so for her to act like things that happened in the 2010s are so long in the past, it's legit infuriating. Here's a sampling of the things that drove me crazy in this book:
"Over the next week, I did a series of Kitchen Karaoke posts (Instagram videos of me singing in my kitchen while chopping vegetables) every single night because the church was so beautiful and my voice sounded so strong and so crisp and I could really hear myself, as if I were listening to someone else sing." (p. 190)
"I didn't understand how somone who seemed to be everything I'd wanted in a person could also become someone so harmful. I had vetted her. I had done everything right. I had worked on myself. Years had passed and I was so much wiser than I was before." (p. 179) Like, maybe a few years, but she'd already said previously that her previous relationship was in the 2010s, so how many years could possibly have passed? I get that you get older and wiser, but relationships are work. Why does she think these things come so easy? She takes zero responsibility for anything in this book. Everything is someone else's fault, and the only fault that Lane Moore has is being too trusting, or too good.
Actually, I'm done. Just re-typing out some of these passages is making me irritated all over again. Like the one where she babysits a kid and then basically anoints herself the world's greatest parent (keeping in mind that all she has to do is be cool to a kid for a few hours a week). Or the many times when she talks about a song she wrote and how it relates to this relationship. God. The more I think about it, the more I think I hated this book. Moving on.
March 1, 2021
(2.5 stars). I have many things to say in this review. I hope I say them with grace and respect for folks who have been through intense trauma.
I so wanted to love this. I’ve vaguely known about Lane Moore for years, and she came back into my consciousness when a friend sent me her “attachment style” videos on Instagram. The videos are great! This book is not.
I thought the first chapter was really excellent and I actually recommended the first chapter (AND ONLY THE FIRST CHAPTER) to a friend of mine who might find some comfort in her words, as I think Moore articulated what it means to not have a familial support system. But that was the only solid essay in this book (aside from some paragraphs here and there. The paragraph about biphobia was great, and there were some solid paragraphs in the final essay).
As many other reviewers have stated: this is a memoir. It is not a guide on how to be at peace with being chronically single or how to live without close knit family. There was a lot of abuse in Moore’s home while she was growing up, and I feel for her. No person should have to deal with abuse of any kind, especially as a child. I am glad that she is at a place where she has removed these toxic people from her life. It sounds like she is in therapy, which I hope will ease the load.
At times, it felt like she was competing for the gold medal in the Trauma Olympics. She implied that her trauma is worse than any other trauma that ever existed. She never named that trauma and she didn’t have to. I believe that she faced trauma and my heart breaks for her. But trauma is not a competition. People who still speak to their families have experienced trauma. People with money have trauma. Trauma is not a sport, nobody wins for having the worst experience. And people react to situations differently. What may have been trauma to me might be a walk in the park to you. That doesn't make my trauma invalid or less "real." This concept ("big T" trauma and "little t" trauma is explored in Gabor Mate's book "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and I recommend it to everyone).
She instructs people with families and close friends to check their privilege. I agree! It’s a privilege to have people you can count on. But never once does Moore check her own privilege. She’s a conventionally attractive white woman!!!
It’s clear to me that there is a lot that Lane still has to process about her life, and I feel for her. I also think there is value in stories that aren’t fully processed. I think it was Nora McInerney who said “Being in it is a valid perspective” and I agree! But there is little reflection here. There is a lot of telling and very little showing. I’m sick of millennial writers (hi! I’m one of those) spouting pithy political phrases in their books and acting like this is revolutionary or good writing. Good political writing is essential for change, but the key is to show and not tell. “The patriarchy exists” and “Not all people are straight” are both true statements that would make great t-shirts (I’d buy one), but revolutionary they are not. There is a way to articulate the heartbreak of both of these statements (and other movements for political and social change) without resorting to tired and overused phrases that actually contain little substance.
This book did inspire me to reread Anne of Green Gables and book a trip to Prince Edward Island once corona has abated. So, there’s that!
I so wanted to love this. I’ve vaguely known about Lane Moore for years, and she came back into my consciousness when a friend sent me her “attachment style” videos on Instagram. The videos are great! This book is not.
I thought the first chapter was really excellent and I actually recommended the first chapter (AND ONLY THE FIRST CHAPTER) to a friend of mine who might find some comfort in her words, as I think Moore articulated what it means to not have a familial support system. But that was the only solid essay in this book (aside from some paragraphs here and there. The paragraph about biphobia was great, and there were some solid paragraphs in the final essay).
As many other reviewers have stated: this is a memoir. It is not a guide on how to be at peace with being chronically single or how to live without close knit family. There was a lot of abuse in Moore’s home while she was growing up, and I feel for her. No person should have to deal with abuse of any kind, especially as a child. I am glad that she is at a place where she has removed these toxic people from her life. It sounds like she is in therapy, which I hope will ease the load.
At times, it felt like she was competing for the gold medal in the Trauma Olympics. She implied that her trauma is worse than any other trauma that ever existed. She never named that trauma and she didn’t have to. I believe that she faced trauma and my heart breaks for her. But trauma is not a competition. People who still speak to their families have experienced trauma. People with money have trauma. Trauma is not a sport, nobody wins for having the worst experience. And people react to situations differently. What may have been trauma to me might be a walk in the park to you. That doesn't make my trauma invalid or less "real." This concept ("big T" trauma and "little t" trauma is explored in Gabor Mate's book "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts and I recommend it to everyone).
She instructs people with families and close friends to check their privilege. I agree! It’s a privilege to have people you can count on. But never once does Moore check her own privilege. She’s a conventionally attractive white woman!!!
It’s clear to me that there is a lot that Lane still has to process about her life, and I feel for her. I also think there is value in stories that aren’t fully processed. I think it was Nora McInerney who said “Being in it is a valid perspective” and I agree! But there is little reflection here. There is a lot of telling and very little showing. I’m sick of millennial writers (hi! I’m one of those) spouting pithy political phrases in their books and acting like this is revolutionary or good writing. Good political writing is essential for change, but the key is to show and not tell. “The patriarchy exists” and “Not all people are straight” are both true statements that would make great t-shirts (I’d buy one), but revolutionary they are not. There is a way to articulate the heartbreak of both of these statements (and other movements for political and social change) without resorting to tired and overused phrases that actually contain little substance.
This book did inspire me to reread Anne of Green Gables and book a trip to Prince Edward Island once corona has abated. So, there’s that!
November 9, 2020
This is such a warm, special book that is a great refugee for a certain type of reader. It was definitely a right book at the right time moment for me at an especially difficult time. It’s the only book I was able to focus on and finish In the past week and I just have to do a shout out to Scribd who so generously offered an election related credit card free sign up and free month of service. It’s where I finally stumbled across this book in both audiobook and ebook format. While I couldn’t do both at the same time, at least as far as I’m aware of and on my phone, the audiobook read by the author is lovely and I also so appreciated having the ebook to highlight and save and share passages from. I don’t know that I would’ve found this one any other way, it was truly exactly what I needed.
Unfortunately I had typed an entire beautiful, deeply thought out review, was getting tired, went to copy it to post into Goodreads, and accidentally lost it. This has been the way my whole week has been going. And then some. I’m pretty sure the last week has been one of the longest and most difficult of my life. I know many of us are feeling so much right now too. For me the week had begun with a strange heath crisis and some deep and unrelenting sheer existential panic. Doom, really. I was so on edge and struggling with all the health stuff, with how as much as I’m rather used to being isolated and alone I don’t enjoy and it and I’ve been fighting so hard to try and make the most of my life and now with all the covid stuff and being so high risk I’m really stuck. And I worry I don’t have a lot of time left. I suppose in so many ways our country itself was on a similar brink. So I was absolutely a mess all week. I couldn’t read. I couldn’t really do much of anything besides cry and get super upset.
You see, beyond just the present and the complications of life limiting illness, like the author of this book I was raised in a family that was profoundly neglectful. Physically around but that was about it. Or many interactions instead of being nurturing and supportive were toxic and painful. And these kinds of backgrounds... they’re hard to talk about and often hard to see yet it shapes you for life. That’s what Lane is writing about here. Or as in her own words-
In my own case, much as I’m always asked why I live alone if I’m sick. It’s because not only would I not be any safer, IR actively be a lot less safe. And I have family technically but for all intents and purposes I don’t. I don’t know that I even understand what that word means or looks like or at least I certainly understand that for me it looks like something very different than for most. That’s a really heavy and terrible and lonely way to grow up.
Reading this book was incredibly cathartic for me. It’s not a self help book in the most conventional sense. It’s not prescriptive though Lane does close it out with some really beautiful suggestions. More than that though it’s like a refugee, a warm and safe place to go and it’s as if you found a friend to sit and chat with and confide in and amazingly she gets you and is familiar with the exact pain and issues you’re feeling or have felt and faced, where you meet Lane (who I knew absolutely nothing about and was and remain unfamiliar with her work as a comedy writer and singer.) and she tells you her story.
What’s so cool about it is that not only is Lane talking about her experiences and trauma and how it affected her, she’s done and continue to do the work. So you get to see her healing process and change of thoughts. And I found myself relating to so much, so much so that I was sending passages to my therapist and reflecting on my own similar experiences. So I’m so many ways I found myself doing the work along with Lane. It’s a self help book in a sense that’s rather like therapy. Lane won’t tell you what to do but through experiencing and going through the process, you find your own answers and new ways of seeing or interpreting things. It was so much more than I hoped for when I stumbled upon the book, but exactly what I needed.
So with that in mind while I absolutely can’t promise anything close to the response and solace I found in the book, I sure do recommend it if you also can relate to these issues and grew up in a problematic and neglectful way. Even though my existential dread personally connects and extends a lot from life limiting illness and Lane herself is not ill, I was truly surprised by how much I could relate to her and her experiences and how much I gained from the book. Given how extreme and common isolation is and is becoming more and more for all of us, I imagine a lot of folks can benefit. Though I’m unsure I’d recommend it or that one can so deeply relate if you didn’t grow up in a similarly sort of toxic and neglectful environment. That really was key here and something that is so poorly understood and kept swept away. It really was just so wonderful encounter someone who gets it.
I am so immensely grateful for this book and the general happenstance that lead me to finding it. I’m ending what has to have been one of the longest and most difficult weeks of my life in a much, much better place than when I started it. The election victory of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris feels like the first truly hopeful thing, a first step but one so important, in what has been such a profoundly dark and difficult time for so long. The existential panic threatening our democracy and ways of life, and for so many of us our actual life sin general, is finally easing. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Similarly, Monday afternoon my therapist was very concerned for me. I found this book that night and it was a beacon and I read it and kind of therapized and worked on myself so much. I’m ending the week looking forward to my next appointment where I can talk about all I’ve learned and discuss this book with my therapist. And while I can’t and won’t credit the book for everything, it absolutely played an important role in it all. I don’t know how you could possibly ever ask for me and that is a deeply special thing to get from a book. Definitely an important and extremely worthwhile book I highly recommend.
Unfortunately I had typed an entire beautiful, deeply thought out review, was getting tired, went to copy it to post into Goodreads, and accidentally lost it. This has been the way my whole week has been going. And then some. I’m pretty sure the last week has been one of the longest and most difficult of my life. I know many of us are feeling so much right now too. For me the week had begun with a strange heath crisis and some deep and unrelenting sheer existential panic. Doom, really. I was so on edge and struggling with all the health stuff, with how as much as I’m rather used to being isolated and alone I don’t enjoy and it and I’ve been fighting so hard to try and make the most of my life and now with all the covid stuff and being so high risk I’m really stuck. And I worry I don’t have a lot of time left. I suppose in so many ways our country itself was on a similar brink. So I was absolutely a mess all week. I couldn’t read. I couldn’t really do much of anything besides cry and get super upset.
You see, beyond just the present and the complications of life limiting illness, like the author of this book I was raised in a family that was profoundly neglectful. Physically around but that was about it. Or many interactions instead of being nurturing and supportive were toxic and painful. And these kinds of backgrounds... they’re hard to talk about and often hard to see yet it shapes you for life. That’s what Lane is writing about here. Or as in her own words-
“There’s a very particular sort of no-man’s-land that comes with having alive parents who are technically there, could technically take you in if you really needed somewhere to go, but if you went there, you wouldn’t be any safer than anywhere else.”
In my own case, much as I’m always asked why I live alone if I’m sick. It’s because not only would I not be any safer, IR actively be a lot less safe. And I have family technically but for all intents and purposes I don’t. I don’t know that I even understand what that word means or looks like or at least I certainly understand that for me it looks like something very different than for most. That’s a really heavy and terrible and lonely way to grow up.
Reading this book was incredibly cathartic for me. It’s not a self help book in the most conventional sense. It’s not prescriptive though Lane does close it out with some really beautiful suggestions. More than that though it’s like a refugee, a warm and safe place to go and it’s as if you found a friend to sit and chat with and confide in and amazingly she gets you and is familiar with the exact pain and issues you’re feeling or have felt and faced, where you meet Lane (who I knew absolutely nothing about and was and remain unfamiliar with her work as a comedy writer and singer.) and she tells you her story.
What’s so cool about it is that not only is Lane talking about her experiences and trauma and how it affected her, she’s done and continue to do the work. So you get to see her healing process and change of thoughts. And I found myself relating to so much, so much so that I was sending passages to my therapist and reflecting on my own similar experiences. So I’m so many ways I found myself doing the work along with Lane. It’s a self help book in a sense that’s rather like therapy. Lane won’t tell you what to do but through experiencing and going through the process, you find your own answers and new ways of seeing or interpreting things. It was so much more than I hoped for when I stumbled upon the book, but exactly what I needed.
So with that in mind while I absolutely can’t promise anything close to the response and solace I found in the book, I sure do recommend it if you also can relate to these issues and grew up in a problematic and neglectful way. Even though my existential dread personally connects and extends a lot from life limiting illness and Lane herself is not ill, I was truly surprised by how much I could relate to her and her experiences and how much I gained from the book. Given how extreme and common isolation is and is becoming more and more for all of us, I imagine a lot of folks can benefit. Though I’m unsure I’d recommend it or that one can so deeply relate if you didn’t grow up in a similarly sort of toxic and neglectful environment. That really was key here and something that is so poorly understood and kept swept away. It really was just so wonderful encounter someone who gets it.
I am so immensely grateful for this book and the general happenstance that lead me to finding it. I’m ending what has to have been one of the longest and most difficult weeks of my life in a much, much better place than when I started it. The election victory of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris feels like the first truly hopeful thing, a first step but one so important, in what has been such a profoundly dark and difficult time for so long. The existential panic threatening our democracy and ways of life, and for so many of us our actual life sin general, is finally easing. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Similarly, Monday afternoon my therapist was very concerned for me. I found this book that night and it was a beacon and I read it and kind of therapized and worked on myself so much. I’m ending the week looking forward to my next appointment where I can talk about all I’ve learned and discuss this book with my therapist. And while I can’t and won’t credit the book for everything, it absolutely played an important role in it all. I don’t know how you could possibly ever ask for me and that is a deeply special thing to get from a book. Definitely an important and extremely worthwhile book I highly recommend.
November 24, 2019
I didn't know anything about Lane Moore before reading her book but if I did I wouldn't have "wished" for it. I found the swearing throughout to be offensive and perhaps this is Lane's no nonsense way of speaking her truth, but it wasn't something I liked. I thought the title of her book and message misleading. I thought this book was going to be a survival guide for loners, but instead it was a series of chapters about Lane, ironically not being alone. There is a difference between being alone and feeling alone and this book is definitely about the latter. One can be alone in this world by not having any friends whatsoever or never having been in a romantic relationship and another person can feel alone by having all those things which was Lane's issue. I didn't feel her brutally honest stories of her life to be helpful in any way. She didn't offer any concrete advice or make me feel better about my own life. She tried linking her lonely childhood to her failed relationships as an adult but it felt like she was trying to sound like a therapist...but not a very good one. I was left feeling very confused about this book. The cover made it look like a psychology textbook and her central message was weak. She didn't explain how to be alone. It was more of a rant and nostalgic trip down memory lane about her issues around attachments in relationships. If she explained in her individual chapters about what it actually "felt like" to be alone in relationships it would have made a huge difference. Also, if she offered advice or tips at the end of each chapter on how to work with this and accept it, this book would have been successful.
September 10, 2018
*I received an advanced readers copy of this book, but all opinions are 100% my own.* How to Be Alone is the soon to be released book by Lane Moore. If you haven’t heard of her yet, I’m confident one day soon you will. Lane Moore is a comedian, musician, writer, and host of Tinder Live.
Though technically How to Be Alone is an autobiography, it’s more than that. Lane Moore’s book is touching, witty, and relatable. It discusses inadequacy, loneliness, longing for love, and finding your place in the world both on a personal and interpersonal level.
Told through 14 personal essays, Lane dives deep into her most personal thoughts and experiences. From practically raising herself, living in her car, making the ballsy move to NYC, and reconstructing her heart after a series of toxic relationships, she bares it all. To put it simply, this girl has been through some sh*t. But instead of letting that control the way she lives her life and sees the world, she uses humor, music, and writing to create a different picture.
Read my full review here: https://tabithoughts.com/2018/08/26/b...
Though technically How to Be Alone is an autobiography, it’s more than that. Lane Moore’s book is touching, witty, and relatable. It discusses inadequacy, loneliness, longing for love, and finding your place in the world both on a personal and interpersonal level.
Told through 14 personal essays, Lane dives deep into her most personal thoughts and experiences. From practically raising herself, living in her car, making the ballsy move to NYC, and reconstructing her heart after a series of toxic relationships, she bares it all. To put it simply, this girl has been through some sh*t. But instead of letting that control the way she lives her life and sees the world, she uses humor, music, and writing to create a different picture.
Read my full review here: https://tabithoughts.com/2018/08/26/b...
March 22, 2019
After chugging through the rest of "How to Be Alone", I decided that Lane Moore sounds like the type of person who would have hissed at you in the hallway in high school just to appear edgy.
Let me start, this wasn't a fun, comedic romp about learning how to be alone like I expected it would be. It was 200+ pages of Lane talking about how she can't build relationships because of her abuse as a child. Please don't misunderstand, it is not a kid's fault if they're abused. I am sorry to her for her parents mistreatment.
But it is not okay to live your adult life being so bitter that you had to write a book of essays about how priviledged every one else in the world is for having a support system.
Skip this book.
Let me start, this wasn't a fun, comedic romp about learning how to be alone like I expected it would be. It was 200+ pages of Lane talking about how she can't build relationships because of her abuse as a child. Please don't misunderstand, it is not a kid's fault if they're abused. I am sorry to her for her parents mistreatment.
But it is not okay to live your adult life being so bitter that you had to write a book of essays about how priviledged every one else in the world is for having a support system.
Skip this book.
November 13, 2018
I just finished this and I'm border-line ugly crying. I'm so thankful that Lane wrote this and put so much of herself in it no matter how hard it might have been. I feel seen in a lot of new ways and I felt encouraged by Lane's ability to see such beautiful things even through and in spite of the pain in her past. I wanted to be her friend before but now I ESPECIALY wish we were friends! She's rad, everyone should read this book. What a gift.
November 14, 2018
I started reading this book on the subway coming home from the library because my phone went dead and so I couldn't listen to podcasts and play stupid games. I got home, walking still reading it and 2 hours later realized I was still wearing an underwire bra because I hadn't put the book down yet. At 7:15 I decided that I needed to eat something and so put down the book and started writing about how much I like this book so you would all know as soon as possible.
November 14, 2018
Utterly fucking delightful.
How to Be Alone is funny and intense. It was a quick read for me, I think... Or I got so lost in it that I had no idea time was passing. Either way, it felt quick (in the best possible way). Moore's approach to story-telling is down-to-Earth and so funny that I laughed out loud repeatedly.
I was hesitant at first about the vernacular style of the writing: that hesitancy wore off quickly. Reading Moore's words, I could imagine a real person talking to me, curse words and all, and I loved every second of it.
Moore offers up so many pieces of herself to her audience so honestly and earnestly that I feel like I know her (I definitely do not, I know I do not, and yet?). By the end of the book, after reading about her "stranger luck," you may feel like you want to invite her to stay with you in your house. That's apparently not that weird.
I highly recommend this quick, touching read!
How to Be Alone is funny and intense. It was a quick read for me, I think... Or I got so lost in it that I had no idea time was passing. Either way, it felt quick (in the best possible way). Moore's approach to story-telling is down-to-Earth and so funny that I laughed out loud repeatedly.
I was hesitant at first about the vernacular style of the writing: that hesitancy wore off quickly. Reading Moore's words, I could imagine a real person talking to me, curse words and all, and I loved every second of it.
Moore offers up so many pieces of herself to her audience so honestly and earnestly that I feel like I know her (I definitely do not, I know I do not, and yet?). By the end of the book, after reading about her "stranger luck," you may feel like you want to invite her to stay with you in your house. That's apparently not that weird.
I highly recommend this quick, touching read!
January 7, 2019
The depressed, self centered ramblings of a chronically depressed woman about how horrible all her relationships are got old pretty fast. Basically a memoir of a very mundane woman with little excitement in her life. If I wasn’t reading this for a book club, it would have taken a place on my shelf for booms I couldn’t force myself to finish. It was very anti-climatic. There were a couple interesting points, but I kept finding my self skimming sections in hopes of reaching the end.
February 2, 2019
This was... not the book for me. In a lot of ways, I relate to Lane. But then I couldn't help but feel like this was a little bit of a "boohoo I had a bad family life, be sorry for me" + "I'm a self-deprecating comedian who moved to a big city by herself!!! I'm obviously hilarious!" type of story and to be honest I cannot sympathize with that. Obviously, nobody has a perfect family, we all have awful shit we've gone through, and I guess in some way that should make her story relatable? But this just felt whiny and like a lot of a thing I had no interest in reading. Especially not when the book was marketed as something of the self-help variety. However, Lane is a talented writer. I just could not connect with her essays.
I feel like the title specifically is very misleading. There is no self-reflection; no "how-to". Just her story, period. And that is completely fine! It's just not what I thought I was getting when I picked out this audiobook.
If you're a fan of Lane and enjoy her comedy I guess this won't be half bad for you, and you'd probably enjoy it. Especially listening to her. Her reading this out loud makes it a lot more interesting tbh.
I guess Stella said it best in her review: "The need to fill the hole left by the lack of a support system is very apparent in these essays. I get it, I totally understand, but this writing feels like pre-therapy journal entries of a self-deprecating writer. Find your family. Accept the love and support that your friends offer. (Also, not to be a total bitch, but moving to New York City on your own doesn't make you special, millions of people do it.)"Let's underline that last 4 sentences because I really don't care about sounding like a total bitch.
I feel like the title specifically is very misleading. There is no self-reflection; no "how-to". Just her story, period. And that is completely fine! It's just not what I thought I was getting when I picked out this audiobook.
If you're a fan of Lane and enjoy her comedy I guess this won't be half bad for you, and you'd probably enjoy it. Especially listening to her. Her reading this out loud makes it a lot more interesting tbh.
I guess Stella said it best in her review: "The need to fill the hole left by the lack of a support system is very apparent in these essays. I get it, I totally understand, but this writing feels like pre-therapy journal entries of a self-deprecating writer. Find your family. Accept the love and support that your friends offer. (Also, not to be a total bitch, but moving to New York City on your own doesn't make you special, millions of people do it.)"Let's underline that last 4 sentences because I really don't care about sounding like a total bitch.
December 5, 2018
This is more than a memoir; this book invites you to into a confessional contract, the intimate trust of a deep story well told. Balancing candor and humor and pain and bravery in equal parts, Moore's "How to Be Alone" isn't an instructional manual, it's a demonstration closely tendered. You'll probably laugh sometimes and cry sometimes and think about all the people you've loved you couldn't connect with. But the biggest gift is that you'll look back on yourself over the years and see not only the times when you tried and failed to be better than your circunstances — you'll see the times you were the best self you took for granted.
I don't quite know how to deal with this book yet. I wasn't prepared to feel so seen. But the truth is that spending time reading this book is to witness the author seeing herself. And my tender aftermath is really me being there for me.
Moore's a master of letting laughter and sadness occupy the same space. It's a beautiful thing, to see how funny and dear we all are, even when we're terrified we won't be able to stand up to life. And this book — both the writing of it and reading of it — is a gorgeous act of optimism. It's an invitation to keep the faith.
You'll read this book and not only feel blessed that the author shared her story with you. You'll feel freer to accept your own company, as-is, no judgment. And that's the whole point of "How to Be Alone."
I don't quite know how to deal with this book yet. I wasn't prepared to feel so seen. But the truth is that spending time reading this book is to witness the author seeing herself. And my tender aftermath is really me being there for me.
Moore's a master of letting laughter and sadness occupy the same space. It's a beautiful thing, to see how funny and dear we all are, even when we're terrified we won't be able to stand up to life. And this book — both the writing of it and reading of it — is a gorgeous act of optimism. It's an invitation to keep the faith.
You'll read this book and not only feel blessed that the author shared her story with you. You'll feel freer to accept your own company, as-is, no judgment. And that's the whole point of "How to Be Alone."
September 7, 2019
Did not know who Lane Moore was before I read this but had seen an article in a magazine that wasn't bad and this book was in her author blurb. Dear lord. I've never read so much whining in my life. Just page after page lamenting her shitty childhood (she didn't get hugged enough I think? it's very unclear) and how everything and everybody is disappointing. And then chapter after chapter of every bad relationship she's been in interspersed with a lot of crying. Just started hate-reading it half way through. Also how can someone refer to herself to many times as a comedian and name drop working for the Onion so many times and write something so painfully not funny at all??
April 18, 2019
Beautifully written and sitting somewhere between memoir and self-help, which may turn some people off, but not to fear: there's no checklists or journaling exercises here, just some heartfelt messages from an author who wants her readers to love themselves.
This is what it's like to fumble your way through adulthood when you spent your childhood with dysfunctional, broken people who hurt you and blamed you for making them hurt you. Even when everything looks like you've got it all together and you can't help but think that if you were really that special, or even basically acceptable, your own parents would have liked you--right?--so you must just have fooled everyone.
In one section she talks about the self-help industry's obsession with telling traumatized people to stop blaming their abusive parents for abusing them; it was spot on and reminded me of my own review of one such book. The parts about seeking out unsafe partners and situations because they were familiar? Yep. The parts about having a broken fear response because you've already been through terrible things that somehow didn't kill you? Yep. The parts about not knowing how to remove yourself from an unsafe situation because honestly that's never been an option before and you hadn't even considered it? Yep.
It's hard to tell for me, having skimmed a bunch of the reviews, how many readers and reviewers are coming from a similar background. Maybe a few? Normally I focus on the negative reviews because that's how I learn quickly about whether or not I'll like something: for example, if there's a lot of 1 or 2 star reviews complaining that the book is obviously part of a SJW plot to destroy natural, god-given sex or race hierarchies, I know I'm going to love that book. You can learn a lot about a story by noting what people consistently complain about in it.
Here what I mostly see in the negative reviews, is a lot of people justifying Lane's fears about being honest about the burdens of this kind of childhood abuse, by being awful and derogatory not about the book, but about the author. It's the stigma and shame in action that keep most people from sharing these stories in action. It's really sad.
This is what it's like to fumble your way through adulthood when you spent your childhood with dysfunctional, broken people who hurt you and blamed you for making them hurt you. Even when everything looks like you've got it all together and you can't help but think that if you were really that special, or even basically acceptable, your own parents would have liked you--right?--so you must just have fooled everyone.
In one section she talks about the self-help industry's obsession with telling traumatized people to stop blaming their abusive parents for abusing them; it was spot on and reminded me of my own review of one such book. The parts about seeking out unsafe partners and situations because they were familiar? Yep. The parts about having a broken fear response because you've already been through terrible things that somehow didn't kill you? Yep. The parts about not knowing how to remove yourself from an unsafe situation because honestly that's never been an option before and you hadn't even considered it? Yep.
It's hard to tell for me, having skimmed a bunch of the reviews, how many readers and reviewers are coming from a similar background. Maybe a few? Normally I focus on the negative reviews because that's how I learn quickly about whether or not I'll like something: for example, if there's a lot of 1 or 2 star reviews complaining that the book is obviously part of a SJW plot to destroy natural, god-given sex or race hierarchies, I know I'm going to love that book. You can learn a lot about a story by noting what people consistently complain about in it.
Here what I mostly see in the negative reviews, is a lot of people justifying Lane's fears about being honest about the burdens of this kind of childhood abuse, by being awful and derogatory not about the book, but about the author. It's the stigma and shame in action that keep most people from sharing these stories in action. It's really sad.
May 3, 2019
The title, cover, and general marketing of this book are baffling to me. This is, clean and simple, a memoir. It's written by Lane Moore, a comedienne of internet fame, and it's about her not having any family ties or a support system. I'm not sure if the publisher didn't think her name and image could carry the book or what, but this is NOT a book with general information and experience. It's Moore's stories.
I did find her meditation on what it's like to have zero family quite interesting. She HAS family in that they exist, but they are toxic and abusive in a way where she cannot have them in her life. This is a story that needs to be told. Turning away from your parents is a major societal taboo and leads so many people to keeping harmful people in their life. I support anyone who has made the decision that their life is better without a certain person in it, and I'm glad Moore wrote about this.
Other than that, the rest of the memoir was pretty boring. She talks extensively about her dating life and relationships, but the stories were nothing out of the ordinary. It swung between overly-sentimental and self-deprecating and overall just didn't work for me.
I did find her meditation on what it's like to have zero family quite interesting. She HAS family in that they exist, but they are toxic and abusive in a way where she cannot have them in her life. This is a story that needs to be told. Turning away from your parents is a major societal taboo and leads so many people to keeping harmful people in their life. I support anyone who has made the decision that their life is better without a certain person in it, and I'm glad Moore wrote about this.
Other than that, the rest of the memoir was pretty boring. She talks extensively about her dating life and relationships, but the stories were nothing out of the ordinary. It swung between overly-sentimental and self-deprecating and overall just didn't work for me.
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