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Publisher's Note: The stories and novel herein have previously appeared in parts in Envoy to New Worlds, Galactic Diplomat, and Retief's War. This is the first unitary edition.

"... into the chaotic Galactic political scene, the CDT emerged to carry forward the ancient diplomatic tradition ... Corps diplomats displayed an encyclopedic grasp of the nuances of Extra-Terrestrial mores as set against the labyrinthine socio-politico-economic Galactic context..."
-- Official History of the Corps Diplomatique, AD 2940

NOT! What they really had was Retief! Ignore the official version--in these pages is the real story of how Retief tied the bad guys' eye-stalks in knots, and made the Galaxy safe for humanity.


Contents:

* Diplomat-at-Arms
* Protocol
* The Brass God
* Sealed Orders
* Palace Revolution
* Cultural Exchange
* Saline Solution
* Native Intelligence
* Policy
* Ultimatum
* The Prince and the Pirate
* The Castle of Light
* Retief's War
* Wicker Wonderland
* Courier
* Protest Note
* Aide Memoire

592 pages, Mass Market Paperback

First published January 2, 2001

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About the author

Keith Laumer

478 books209 followers
John Keith Laumer was an American science fiction author. Prior to becoming a full-time writer, he was an officer in the U.S. Air Force and a U.S. diplomat. His brother March Laumer was also a writer, known for his adult reinterpretations of the Land of Oz (also mentioned in Keith's The Other Side of Time).

Keith Laumer (aka J.K Laumer, J. Keith Laumer) is best known for his Bolo stories and his satirical Retief series. The former chronicles the evolution of juggernaut-sized tanks that eventually become self-aware through the constant improvement resulting from centuries of intermittent warfare against various alien races. The latter deals with the adventures of a cynical spacefaring diplomat who constantly has to overcome the red-tape-infused failures of people with names like Ambassador Grossblunder. The Retief stories were greatly influenced by Laumer's earlier career in the United States Foreign Service. In an interview with Paul Walker of Luna Monthly, Laumer states "I had no shortage of iniquitous memories of the Foreign Service."

Four of his shorter works received Hugo or Nebula Award nominations (one of them, "In the Queue", received nominations for both) and his novel A Plague of Demons was nominated for the Nebula Award for Best Novel in 1966.

During the peak years of 1959–1971, Laumer was a prolific science fiction writer, with his novels tending to follow one of two patterns: fast-paced, straight adventures in time and space, with an emphasis on lone-wolf, latent superman protagonists, self-sacrifice and transcendence or, broad comedies, sometimes of the over-the-top variety.

In 1971, Laumer suffered a stroke while working on the novel The Ultimax Man. As a result, he was unable to write for a few years. As he explained in an interview with Charles Platt published in The Dream Makers (1987), he refused to accept the doctors' diagnosis. He came up with an alternative explanation and developed an alternative (and very painful) treatment program. Although he was unable to write in the early 1970s, he had a number of books which were in the pipeline at the time of the stroke published during that time.

In the mid-1970s, Laumer partially recovered from the stroke and resumed writing. However, the quality of his work suffered and his career declined (Piers Anthony, How Precious Was That While, 2002). In later years Laumer also reused scenarios and characters from his earlier works to create "new" books, which some critics felt was to their detriment:

Alas, Retief to the Rescue doesn't seem so much like a new Retief novel, but a kind of Cuisnart mélange of past books.

-- Somtow Sucharitkul (Washington Post, Mar 27, 1983. p. BW11)

His Bolo creations were popular enough that other authors have written standalone science-fiction novels about them.

Laumer was also a model airplane enthusiast, and published two dozen designs between 1956 and 1962 in the U.S. magazines Air Trails, Model Airplane News and Flying Models, as well as the British magazine Aero Modeler. He published one book on the subject, How to Design and Build Flying Models in 1960. His later designs were mostly gas-powered free flight planes, and had a whimsical charm with names to match, like the "Twin Lizzie" and the "Lulla-Bi". His designs are still being revisited, reinvented and built today.

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5 stars
762 (33%)
4 stars
837 (37%)
3 stars
527 (23%)
2 stars
103 (4%)
1 star
21 (<1%)
Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
Profile Image for An EyeYii.
3,634 reviews64 followers
January 16, 2012
My favorite space-age human (Dr. Who is an alien Time Lord), who conquers aliens by diplomacy and trickery more than fighting, hero is free at baen.com
http://www.baenebooks.com/p-347-retie...
Rip-roaring action, dangerous situations, funny dialogue, wonderful wisdom, especially from Retief's War:

He who visits rarely is a welcome guest.
When the job blows up in your face, remember Rum Jungle. We'll need every man - and then it won't be enough.
I'm not sure that pasteurized thinking is rich enough in intellectual vitamins ...
Ambassador Longspoon was a small man with ... a mouth which would have been inconspicuous on a carp ... a voice like a dry bearing ... a look like a jab from an old maid's umbrella ... his basketball-sized paunch jouncing.
Trial by Internal Omens ... requires a surgical operation to study the evidence ... if the victim ... patient, is innocent ... we weld him back up and give him a touching funeral ceremony.
His Omnivoracity ... Prime Minister Ikk ... his voice had an edge like torn metal ... six feet of armored hostility, four arms like sheet-metal clubs tipped with bolt cutters cocked for action.

Retief's skycraft crash lands among wheeled metal claw Aliens.
Alien: Meat-fall-from-sky moving around ... us better slice it up quick.
Retief: Don't you recognize a supernatural apparition ... means it's bad medicine to cook a stranger.
A: That mean we is got to eat you raw. How is you, tough? ...
R: ... a diplomat. We mostly lie up during the day, come out at night to drink. ...
A: I heard of them whatchacallums - Terrans. They twelve feet high and made of jelly, takes their wheels off at night, leaves 'em outside.
Profile Image for Stephen.
1,516 reviews11.7k followers
February 20, 2010
3.5 stars. I have not read all of the stories contained in this collection so this review is only for the following stories:

"Protocol" (AKA "The Yillian Way"): A very good early Retief story involving the proper need to understand other peoplescustoms and practices. A good introduction to Retief.

"Retief, God Speaker" (Aka "The Brass God"): A funny story poking fun at religious fervor and greed.

"Sealed Orders": Another very good early Retief story illustrating the unorthodox methods Retief employs to get results.
Profile Image for Jim.
Author 7 books2,057 followers
October 23, 2014
Retief is a futuristic good guy who just wants to have fun. Unfortunately, he always seems to wind up in the jackpot &, with his heroic tendencies, that means a lot of tongue-in-cheek trouble. He also has absolutely the wrong attitude for a diplomat. He's a man of action (prefers play) & hates bureaucracy. Laumer's humor is great & the books are a lot of fun. Well written, too.
1,282 reviews14 followers
May 6, 2022
Denna var rolig. Riktigt bittert rolig. Så bitter som en scifi-roman skriven av en exdiplomat bitter på sitt lands inkompetens kan göra den. Samtidigt är den aldrig mörk; även när den hanterar frågor som definitivt är deprimerande, såsom hjärtskärande inkompetens och likgiltighet inför folkmord.
Profile Image for Sbuchler.
458 reviews25 followers
August 16, 2008
Genre: Science Fiction

This is a book of short stories (with one novella) focusing on Jame Retief, a diplomat for the CDT (an organization whose mission is the peace and safty of the terrean worlds). I liked the short stories much better then the novela - as they all are quick-paced and pack a punch. Retief is always brillent, always working for "the right", and never understood or supported by his collegues at the CDT. At one point he claims the name "Retief of the Mountain of Red Tape" which seems to be most of what the CDT actually does. In many ways it's amazing Retief's career manages to progress at all, given that his superiors always get the credit for his quick thinking in defusing wars and various alien race's expansionist tendancies.

The first story, "Diplomat-at-Arms" is, in my opinion, the best, and shows Retief at the very end of his career. The other stories are in a rough time-line from the begining of Retief's career up until the presumed time of "Diplomat-at-Arms". Most of the short stories are formulaic, with Retief entering the situation, sizing it up, realizing that his superiors at the CDT are either clueless about what's going on or are actively working to promote war/opression in order to advance their own careers. Retief then takes some sort of unexpected James-bond or Mission Impossible type action to put things to right, and it ends with some ironic comentary by Retief towards his superiors. Surprisingly, unlike James Bond (in the movies) Retief rarely kills anyone. The novella, "Retief's War" tries to expand this formula into a action-novel and imo, it fails. It's the understanding of the different motivations of the CDT officals and the alian antagonists that make the short stories carry a punch, and those are too drawn out (and not really surprising) in "Retief's War".

I am told that Keith Laumer worked in the US forign service, which may be where some of the gritty realism vis-a-vis dipolmatic situations comes from. I have never run into politics in sci-fi or fantisy handled in such a realistic way, even with the good guys always coming out on top ;-)
Profile Image for Juan Sanmiguel.
883 reviews6 followers
Read
February 8, 2023
A collection of Retief stories including the novel Retief's War. Retief is a diplomat's answers to James Bond. He is quick with his wits and with his fists when he has to be. The stories were interesting puzzle boxes where Retief had to find a way to solve a seemingly intractable problem. More Laumer is on the way from Baen.
Profile Image for David H..
2,205 reviews25 followers
August 10, 2020
There's a lot to like about the Retief stories: they feature an ubercompetent hero in Jame Retief, struggling against both villains and red-tape bureaucracy and they also often feature light humor.

This book contains the first three Retief books (two collections and a novel), as well as "Diplomat-at-Arms" the original Retief novella that kicked this series off. What's interesting about "Diplomat-at-Arms" is that it takes place clearly towards the end of his career--he's an older man who's seen it all and has the tricks to show for it. Despite some humor, it's probably the most serious of the stories within this--and probably my single favorite story in this collection (and it was also the first, so you can see my gradual disappointment within this). All the other stories (including the one novel Retief's War) feature tales of derring-do to varying degrees.

My favorite outside of "Diplomat-at-Arms" is probably "Cultural Exchange" which had more of Laumer's trademark humor (the background conflict between MUDDLE and MEDDLE was quite funny) and I liked how Retief discovered the plot and resolved it.

A constant disappointment after the first few stories, however, was realizing how little Laumer included women beyond brief secretarial or love-interest roles. I know it was the 1960s (when all these stories were written), but women barely even showed up with the many aliens Laumer included. At least I should be thankful that he at least rarely used Retief as a Casanova type figure.

Something that David Drake kept emphasizing in his preface was Laumer's background in the US Foreign Service, and you can definitely tell that he knows his way around an embassy. But he was also utterly cynical about diplomatic bureaucracy, which made it exhausting when reading one story after another in this book.

Several of these stories are actually in the public domain, so check out "Cultural Exchange" at least!
Profile Image for Andy Zach.
Author 10 books96 followers
April 24, 2024
Delightful! I've been a Keith Laumer fan since the 70s. 'Retief's War' was contained in here and I re-read it for the first time in 40 years. It's still a funny look at diplomacy and interstellar, inter-species politics--while also commenting on human politics.

But, in addition to this overdue re-read, there were a plethora of short stories, most of which I had never read before. Some were laugh-out-loud funny and others made me smile, but all were good.

I still say: start reading Laumer with Retief's War.
3 reviews1 follower
January 3, 2018
Fun, short tales of an unlikely trickster space diplomat who's one part James Bond, one part jester. As much a satire of bureaucracy and diplomacy as action pieces. A bit dated - if you can't get past some old fashion campiness and dated sexual stereotypes, not for you, but those weaknesses are not central to the conceit or most of the plots.
318 reviews3 followers
February 27, 2017
Ah, Retief. Set in the future, but sexism from the past. :)
Profile Image for Jonathan.
317 reviews
April 29, 2023
Retief is a Gary Stu surrounded by bumbling idiots, but the series is very bingeworthy for teh cheap thrillz.
153 reviews9 followers
January 26, 2015
This is hilarious satire drawn from the author's personal, all-too-real experience of working with diplomats. As the jacket cover says, Retief is a James Bond among timid, ass-covering diplomats, with predictable hilarity. It's a fantastic concept.

I'm not sure what possessed the editors of this book to put the one serious Retief story first. It's an ok story, but in a completely different tone from the rest of the book, having none of the delightful satire. It also is supposed to (I think) occur a lot later in time than the rest of the stories, so its presence at the beginning is just confusing. The reason why people read Retief is the other stories.

The rest of the book consists of short stories which are composed of three parts: (1) hilarious satire where the diplomatic team proves its utter inability to negotiate its way out of a paper bag, followed by a James Bond story where Retief smoothly and debonairly accomplishes what entire government task forces could not, followed by more hilarious satire as the team of idiots attempts to claim credit for it.

I'm not as much of a fan of the middle action-adventure parts. Like a James Bond story, they have have humor and adventure, and for the most part, they are ok drama stories. Unfortunately, drama sits a bit uneasily with the silly beginnings and the endings. And in some cases, you also just cannot take the villains very seriously either, which again detracts from the drama (or the drama detracts from the satire). There is some decent SF world-building in some of them, but sometimes I thought it dragged. Mostly, I wish he had just shortened those parts, especially for the longer stories. After reading the hilarious introductions, you're not really in the mood for a grip-your-seat adventure story.

There are other Retief stories out there which are not collected in this volume, but in my opinion most of them are just not as good as the ones here (they drag even more in the action-adventure part). The editors did a good job of selecting stories.

This book used to be in the Baen free library, but they pulled it, unfortunately.
Profile Image for Michael Burnam-Fink.
1,553 reviews249 followers
May 3, 2015
Retief the character is a two-fisted interstellar diplomat. Think Captain Kirk by way of a Warren Zevon song. His stories are based in the experiences of Laumer as a junior State department attache in Burma in the 1950s, out on the wild and wooly frontier of US anti-communism.

I read the first story, which has Retief as an old man facing down a revanchist emperor planning to conquer the galaxy, and thought it was pretty good. So why the two stars--well, the stories go downhill fast. Not all science-fiction has to be deep, or compelling or have outstanding world-building or characters. But light adventure fiction has to pleasurable or exciting, and the Retief canon fail on that account. I found the stories a trudge, and mostly indistinguishable. Retief is so exceptional (the best fighter, a natural linguist, a perfect judge of culture and character, an encyclopedia-like memory for the law), and his opponents so cowardly and incompetent that there's no tension, no drama. It's just boozy wish fulfillment. I wish this stories were better, because we need more fiction about space diplomats as opposed to space marines, but Retief never meets a problem he can't punch his way out of.
Profile Image for Wampuscat.
317 reviews17 followers
March 5, 2017
This compilation of Keith Laumer's Retief stories was OK, but I can say that I'm not a fan of Retief. Only two of the selections were around a 3.5. The first short 'Protocol', and the novel length 'Retief's War'. I enjoyed 'Retief's War' because of the extensive world building and the alien character development. The tribal bio-mech bugs of the planet Quopp are mix of metalic bugs and mechanical movement apparati such as wheels and rotors. They become ensnared in a tricky plot by the local 'mafia tribe' and the Terran nemesis alien race called the Groaci (5 eyed lizardy types). It was an exciting romp, and had all the stories been like this I would be able to give a higher ranking. Alas, the others were merely so-so. This is not to say anything bad about Laumer! I love his other books, especially the Bolo series. Many others really like the Retief stories, but I am officially not one of them. I will read Laumer again, but I'll probably skip any more Retief tales. Still, it was an OK Read.
Profile Image for Christian.
95 reviews17 followers
June 19, 2009
Laumer, billed elsewhere as a "journeyman" author, is nonetheless quite enjoyable--especially his Retief series of short stories. They're sometimes a bit longer than they need to be, with action and adventure diluting a tale's schtick, but I've enjoyed them all.

If I've learned anything from reading Laumer in general (and Retief, particularly,) it's that politicians are all corrupt, incompetent, enjoy giving concessions to enemies in the name of peace, never give credit to underlings, and refuse to admit what they're seeing, even if it's chewing their leg off at the moment. It might be worth noting that Laumer was an attache in the US foreign service for a while, and apparently drew from a limitless vat of bitterness born from experience.
Profile Image for Ray Ferguson.
4 reviews1 follower
April 29, 2015
Simply amazing. I have read it at least twice. This book benefits from the fact that Keith Laumer was actually a diplomat himself, as well as having been an Air Force officer. Wikipedia states: "In an interview with Paul Walker of Luna Monthly, Laumer states "I had no shortage of iniquitous memories of the Foreign Service." There is much good humor here as well as plenty of action, adventure, aliens, and more. His writing style is excellent if you like stories that move along sharply, rather than the more drawn-out storytelling of books like Dune or those in the Honor Harrington series. I have read these and loved them all. They are, to me, just different in their approach but no less satisfying.
Profile Image for Curtiss.
718 reviews51 followers
August 25, 2009
Retief is possibly Science Fiction's most humorous, and also invariably triumphant, recurring character; embodying the intelligence and machismo of James Bond (Retief's portrayal on the cover art of some of the books is rather remininiscent of James Coburn as Derek Flint from the Our Man Flint movies) and the wit and behind-the scenes manipulation of P.G. Wodehouse's Jeeves.

Pick up any Retief novel or short-story collection and you're in for a rollicking "Good Read"! So uncork a bottle of Bacchus Black or Bacchus Red and toast the skewering of any number of Groacci foes (rhymes with whacky) accompanied by a repast of toasted Gribble Grubbs and sliced Hoob Melons for dessert.
Profile Image for Leif.
1,760 reviews94 followers
December 8, 2015
Retief! is a wonderful collection of Laumer's space diplomat short stories, as you probably already knew. It is also a wonderful romp through otherwise delicate regions of interstellar/interspecies communication and interactions. Some latent sexism is regrettable, but Laumer demonstrates an otherwise sensitive view of the violence of communication. I was sometimes startled at the complexity of his thought, as the stories themselves purport to be ever-pragmatic, straight-to-the-point, and all those other excuses for crass insensitivity. It's a fine line, but on the whole Laumer's Retief navigates it well.
Profile Image for Molokov.
504 reviews4 followers
October 24, 2015
This is a collection of stories about interstellar diplomat-and-rogue Retief, written by Keith Laumer in the 1960's. Light hearted and humourous, they are quite entertaining, even if Retief manages to do get the right thing done (which is never what he was *supposed* to be doing) mostly through a large volume of luck and just a small touch of appropriate violence. The short stories (the bulk of this volume) are the best - the included novel Retief's War dragged quite a bit even though it's a short novel. Worth reading if you want something light and amusing from SF's golden years. Sci-Fi comedy that predates Douglas Adams by almost 20 years...
Profile Image for Steven.
Author 36 books10 followers
July 17, 2013
The saga of Retief, intergalactic diplomat to the demented Out There from the equally demented denizens of Earth, is not just madly comic space opera but a bitter and biting social commentary. If you've ever dreamed of signing up for the diplomatic service, read "Retief!" Then ask yourself if you've got what it takes to juggle rayguns and diplomatic irony with Retief-like aplomb, and if you really want to go up against nine-headed, nose-flute-playing beauty queens from Zith with a taste for human ears.
Profile Image for David.
Author 18 books375 followers
March 27, 2010
The Retief series is tongue-in-cheek science fiction, with an adventurous, reluctant diplomat as the main character. Retief is a man of action hamstrung by his bumbling, bureaucratic superiors. Most of these stories were written between the 60s and early 80s, and the "evil" aliens Retief contests with are analogs for the Soviets, and the early series was written as a sci-fi parody of US/USSR gamesmanship, so it's rather dated now, but still entertaining.
Profile Image for Nathan Balyeat.
Author 1 book5 followers
January 12, 2013
This collection of short stories is a fantastic and humorous set of tales of diplomacy by Retief in the face of all "reasonble" direction by his superiors. Good stories, good, if sometimes thin, characters, and pacing that makes it easy to keep turning pages. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more Retief stories.
284 reviews9 followers
March 2, 2014

A collection of short stories and novellas--originally published in parts in Envoy to New Worlds, Galactic Diplomat, and Retief's War--chronicles the zany adventures of galactic diplomat James Retief as he worked to foil the nefarious plots of alien enemies to make space save for humans. Original.

Profile Image for Harry Lane.
940 reviews15 followers
December 23, 2013
I first read these stories years ago and enjoyed them a lot. Think James Bond in space, operating against a variety of BEM's and having to subvert his own bureaucracy to achieve his ends. Good YA reading, but it doesn't hold up well.
34 reviews
June 30, 2009
A bit dated and sexist, but lots of fun. Sort of a James Bond among the stars... Clever dialog, lots of silliness, ripping adventure.
Profile Image for Baron Greystone.
141 reviews1 follower
February 25, 2024
Very funny SF. A little predicable, but the biting humor more than makes up for that. Nice digs at bureaucracies and profiteers. Reminds me very much of Walter Jon Wiliams' Drake Maijstral.
53 reviews
September 24, 2012
Movie-worthy narratives and an almost Bond-like character. Retief was meant to be allegorical to Cold War-era diplomacy, and that sentiment really shone through.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews

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