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Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship
Filled with practical guidelines, inventive techniques, and witty insight Mars and Venus on a Date will help everyone navigate the dating world. Whether you are recently separated, divorced, or you have been single for longer than you want, this insightful guide will help you navigate the dating maze and find the perfect partner. Mars and Venus on a Date is thorough understanding of the fives stages of dating: attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy and engagement as well as a guide to knowing what kind of person you might be looking for and the unexpected places you might just find your soulmate.
400 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1997
About the author
John Gray
474 books2,026 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author in the GoodReads database with this name.
John Gray is an American relationship counselor, lecturer, and author. In 1969, he began a nine-year association with Maharishi Mahesh Yogi before beginning his career as an author and personal relationship counselor. In 1992 he published the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, which became a long-term best seller and formed the central theme of his subsequent books and career activities. His books have sold millions of copies.
John Gray is an American relationship counselor, lecturer, and author. In 1969, he began a nine-year association with Maharishi Mahesh Yogi before beginning his career as an author and personal relationship counselor. In 1992 he published the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, which became a long-term best seller and formed the central theme of his subsequent books and career activities. His books have sold millions of copies.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 202 reviews
June 24, 2007
my guy friend gave this to me, I didn't like it. Couldn't finish it. I read this sentence in the book where it said women should not give guys directions if they are lost or tell the guy he is lost. Hello are we supposed to drive around all night getting more lost??? with these gas prices...uh no!
April 11, 2011
When I want to learn how to do something well, I read up on the topic. And yes, that even applies to dating. This is, hands down, the best dating book I've ever read. Gray does an excellent job at explaining the wonderful (but sometimes baffling) differences between the genders. It helps each to better understand how the other interprets those little things that can make or break dating in its fragile early stages, which is particularly helpful for a generation who just doesn't date anymore. Gray also explains the stages to relationships and how vital it is to progress through each - including uncertainty. Highly recommend it to any fellow singletons out there - it's totally changed how I approach dating for the better.
April 9, 2010
What did I learn from this book? That I am still learning. As I read- I thought about the relationships I have had in my life and what I have learned about myself from them. It was also interesting reading about the stages of dating. In truth- I agree with the approach of moving slower and really getting to know each other.
What I find from many of these books- which leaves me at a loss- is where is the wisdom and advice for those of us whose relationships go amuck as a result of situational changes in life. There are those things which are not so easily resolved... what about those???? Maybe there are no answers.
Anyhow... the author of this book recommends positive endings to relationships that are not working and I agree whole heartedly. I have always been on excellent terms with those I love long after the intimate relationship has ended. In my mind- just because somethng does not work out it does not mean that you do not love the person... you decided to honor the relationship with honesty and respect.
What I find from many of these books- which leaves me at a loss- is where is the wisdom and advice for those of us whose relationships go amuck as a result of situational changes in life. There are those things which are not so easily resolved... what about those???? Maybe there are no answers.
Anyhow... the author of this book recommends positive endings to relationships that are not working and I agree whole heartedly. I have always been on excellent terms with those I love long after the intimate relationship has ended. In my mind- just because somethng does not work out it does not mean that you do not love the person... you decided to honor the relationship with honesty and respect.
September 11, 2011
Coming from an extremely dysfunctional family, I was very unsuccessful at dating and finding a soulmate. It wasn't until I read Mars and Venus on a date that I realized I had no idea how to date or have a successful relationship. Most self help books address the problems people have when they are already in a relationship, but this one starts from the first date. It was the single most helpful book I have found on the subject of building a positive relationaship. Thank you, John Gray
January 13, 2015
Although I had read a book on how guys' mind work, I still find this book amazing and knowledgeable. As every other woman, I want a stable and happy relationship. Therefore, I picked up this book hoping that I can find the answers to all the mysterious actions and thoughts that men have. This book is a quick read with abundant resources and advice from John Gray, an experts on human relationships and communication. I highly recommend it to anyone that wants a change or improve their love life.
Content of the book:
- There are five stages of relationships: Attraction, Uncertainty, Exclusivity, Intimacy and Engagement.
- Finding a right person: If your partner is the wrong person, do not continue but to move on.
- If you end the relationship with love instead of arguments, the outcome would be more positive than negative.
- There are four kinds of chemistry between dating partner: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.
Stage 1: Attraction
- The more man talks, the more he becomes interested in himself not his partner. Therefore, women need to do more of the talking and share herself in the most radiant way.
- Men are attracted to women who clearly can be pleased.
- Display our positive part first in a light, not heavy conversation.
- A woman needs to remember that she is the special one.
- Sometimes, we need to be separated because distance makes the heart grow fonder.
- A man fulfills when the woman is happy.
- Women should not give too much in the beginning of the relationship and need never feel obligated to please a man.
- A simple smile and thank you is enough for a man.
- A wise woman take slower although she feels she is in an exclusive relationship with him. Stay in the most accurate stay and act accordingly is the best instead of jumping exclusively to the intimacy part.
Stage 2: Uncertainty
- Women tends to question where the relationship is going and then she will either ask questions about the relationship or to try to pursuit him. ( This happened to me before T.T )
- When a woman asks: Did I do something wrong? ; Am I doing the right thing? ; Am I doing enough?
- Should be the time the woman reflects on what she is getting from the man
- When a man stops pursuing, a woman’s task is to resist the enormous urge to find out what has happened or to do something about it.
- If he pulls away, let him be.
- The worst thing a woman can do is to call a man and interrogate him about his feelings about her and the relationship.
- Do not give more than what she is ready to give because it can actually sabotage a relationship.
- Do not feel bad for being pursuit and it is better to receive the needs the she wants.
- Don’t feel obligated to give more
- Let him please her.
- Physical intimacy should slowly increase over time.
- The more receptive and responsive she becomes, the more attractive she will be to the kind of man who will want to marry her.
- When the woman feel obligated to give back, it prevents him to pursuit.
- Just because a woman enjoys a man’s gift does not in any way obligate her to give more than a smile or a thank you.
- Assertively say no when not ready to a man’s sexual advances such as “I like this, but I am not ready for more. This is as far as I go for now.”
- There are four degrees of physical intimacy:
a. First base: Kissing and colliding bodies together.
b. Second base: Waist up
c. Third Base: Its better to have her own orgasm before giving his.
d. Home Base: All the way
Stage 3: Exclusivity
- For most men, this is when the pursuit is over.
- A woman’s greatest challenge is to practice the art of asking for support.
- Don’t assume that now a man will do things without her having to ask.
- The best time to ask for support is when a man stops offering it.
- A man automatically assumes when a woman is not asking for help, she must be getting enough.
- Women make mistakes of turning guys off when they focus on the negative part of the outcome -> Ask in the most positive manner
- Instead of saying “ We never do anything fun anymore.”, say “Let’s do something fun this weekend. Let’s have a picnic on the mountain.”
- The woman’s expectation increase in this stage -> she feels she has to give more -> WRONG.
- Instead of growing in appreciation, she will take him for granted.
- By being receptive and responsive to what a man offers, she is actually giving the relationshuo the best chance to grow. To be more specific, she needs to not giving him any advice, accepting him just as he is, not trying to change him in anyway and appreciate what he offers regardless of how much better she might like something else. OVERALL, DO NOT EXPECT A LOT -> GIVE WHAT YOU CAN.
Stage 4: Intimacy
- Cannot make someone physically attracted to yo.
- The strategy is to slowly become more intimate, revealing more and more of who you are, this is when we need to relax more and just get to know each other.
- Waves crash as women become more intimated in love.
- No matter how wonderful a woman is , as they get closer, a man will periodically pull away before he can get closer.
- When a man pulls away, it is very important that she not pursue him or try to get him back. A MAN NEEDS TO FEEL THAT SHE FREELY ACCEPTS HIS TENDENCY TO PULL AWAY.
- A wise woman would give him the space he needs to pull away.
- Men are like rubber band, they will pull away and come back when the love/relationship is strong enough to not break the band.
- It is fine to switch roles occasionally.
Stage 5: Come back for later
+ Skipping a stage can harm a relationship. If you are quick to fall in love be careful to proceed slowly and let the relationship pass the test of time.
+ A woman is the jewel and a man provides the right setting for her to shine.
+ When a woman moves faster through the stages, a man will tend to put on the brakes.
+ When he doesn’t have to worry about how difficult it will be to get out of a relationship, a man is much more inclined to get involved.
+ She will appear to be more attractive to him if a woman seems open at first to a man’s advances and then later seems a little unsure about moving on the stage three.
+ Men are to pursue and women are to create the opportunity to be pursued.
+ The more she gives in advance, the happier she becomes because she assumes she will get it all in return but that actually makes her less attractive to him.
+ A man feels his love when he is directly faced with the possibility of losing a woman.
+Instead of feeling like a victim at the whim of her partner’s changing feelings, a woman can feel self-assured.
+ If things have been moving too fast, she can begin moving back through the stages to create a distance for the love to grow.
+ Men first feel physical attraction while women focus on on the mental and emotional attraction.
+ For men: they start from phsycial attraction -> emotional ( he likes her despite physical attraction )-> mental ( attracted by her character ) -> soul
+ We are generally attracted to people who are not like ourselves.
+ We must always keep to our high standards to be attracted to the right guy.
+ Don’t pursue or please a man because he will focus on how she can please him
+ Woman = receptive and man = active
+ Women give what women want not the men want
+ Men feel most liked when the results of their decisions and actions are acknowledged and appreciated.
+ Men like indirect compliments while women like a more direct compliment.
+ Add more words to the sentence to make your man happier such as “so, happy, very, always”
+ When a man talks too much, do as the Martians do and just interrupt.
Ways to interrupt:
1.“ Let me try to say this differently” instead of “ You don’t understand”
2.“That’s right, I think…” or “I never thought of it that way, I thought…”
3. Don’t say “Are you Even Interested in What I Think?” but say “That is very interesting. I think…”
4. Instead of saying “Well I disagree. I think”, say “ I have another take on this” or “I have another way of looking at that”.
5. Don’t Say “May I Ask You a Question?”. Instead just interrupt with a comment like “That makes sense. I remember an experience I once had…”
+ Talk About What Happened, Not About Him
+ Don’t give advice on anything, but ask for advice
+ Don’t Offer to Help Him in Any Way, but Instead Ask for His Help
+ Three things that make the women more attractive: self-assurance – an attitude that assumes you will always get what you need and that at this moment you are in the process of getting it. It means you don’t have to do it all by yourself.
+ When a woman shifts from feeling self-assured to earning a man’s affection, she becomes less attractive.
+ A receptive woman is able to receive what she gets and not resent getting less.
+ The way women response to man makes him feel happy.
+ Soul mates have different interests, complementary needs, same level of maturity, and value same values
Content of the book:
- There are five stages of relationships: Attraction, Uncertainty, Exclusivity, Intimacy and Engagement.
- Finding a right person: If your partner is the wrong person, do not continue but to move on.
- If you end the relationship with love instead of arguments, the outcome would be more positive than negative.
- There are four kinds of chemistry between dating partner: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.
Stage 1: Attraction
- The more man talks, the more he becomes interested in himself not his partner. Therefore, women need to do more of the talking and share herself in the most radiant way.
- Men are attracted to women who clearly can be pleased.
- Display our positive part first in a light, not heavy conversation.
- A woman needs to remember that she is the special one.
- Sometimes, we need to be separated because distance makes the heart grow fonder.
- A man fulfills when the woman is happy.
- Women should not give too much in the beginning of the relationship and need never feel obligated to please a man.
- A simple smile and thank you is enough for a man.
- A wise woman take slower although she feels she is in an exclusive relationship with him. Stay in the most accurate stay and act accordingly is the best instead of jumping exclusively to the intimacy part.
Stage 2: Uncertainty
- Women tends to question where the relationship is going and then she will either ask questions about the relationship or to try to pursuit him. ( This happened to me before T.T )
- When a woman asks: Did I do something wrong? ; Am I doing the right thing? ; Am I doing enough?
- Should be the time the woman reflects on what she is getting from the man
- When a man stops pursuing, a woman’s task is to resist the enormous urge to find out what has happened or to do something about it.
- If he pulls away, let him be.
- The worst thing a woman can do is to call a man and interrogate him about his feelings about her and the relationship.
- Do not give more than what she is ready to give because it can actually sabotage a relationship.
- Do not feel bad for being pursuit and it is better to receive the needs the she wants.
- Don’t feel obligated to give more
- Let him please her.
- Physical intimacy should slowly increase over time.
- The more receptive and responsive she becomes, the more attractive she will be to the kind of man who will want to marry her.
- When the woman feel obligated to give back, it prevents him to pursuit.
- Just because a woman enjoys a man’s gift does not in any way obligate her to give more than a smile or a thank you.
- Assertively say no when not ready to a man’s sexual advances such as “I like this, but I am not ready for more. This is as far as I go for now.”
- There are four degrees of physical intimacy:
a. First base: Kissing and colliding bodies together.
b. Second base: Waist up
c. Third Base: Its better to have her own orgasm before giving his.
d. Home Base: All the way
Stage 3: Exclusivity
- For most men, this is when the pursuit is over.
- A woman’s greatest challenge is to practice the art of asking for support.
- Don’t assume that now a man will do things without her having to ask.
- The best time to ask for support is when a man stops offering it.
- A man automatically assumes when a woman is not asking for help, she must be getting enough.
- Women make mistakes of turning guys off when they focus on the negative part of the outcome -> Ask in the most positive manner
- Instead of saying “ We never do anything fun anymore.”, say “Let’s do something fun this weekend. Let’s have a picnic on the mountain.”
- The woman’s expectation increase in this stage -> she feels she has to give more -> WRONG.
- Instead of growing in appreciation, she will take him for granted.
- By being receptive and responsive to what a man offers, she is actually giving the relationshuo the best chance to grow. To be more specific, she needs to not giving him any advice, accepting him just as he is, not trying to change him in anyway and appreciate what he offers regardless of how much better she might like something else. OVERALL, DO NOT EXPECT A LOT -> GIVE WHAT YOU CAN.
Stage 4: Intimacy
- Cannot make someone physically attracted to yo.
- The strategy is to slowly become more intimate, revealing more and more of who you are, this is when we need to relax more and just get to know each other.
- Waves crash as women become more intimated in love.
- No matter how wonderful a woman is , as they get closer, a man will periodically pull away before he can get closer.
- When a man pulls away, it is very important that she not pursue him or try to get him back. A MAN NEEDS TO FEEL THAT SHE FREELY ACCEPTS HIS TENDENCY TO PULL AWAY.
- A wise woman would give him the space he needs to pull away.
- Men are like rubber band, they will pull away and come back when the love/relationship is strong enough to not break the band.
- It is fine to switch roles occasionally.
Stage 5: Come back for later
+ Skipping a stage can harm a relationship. If you are quick to fall in love be careful to proceed slowly and let the relationship pass the test of time.
+ A woman is the jewel and a man provides the right setting for her to shine.
+ When a woman moves faster through the stages, a man will tend to put on the brakes.
+ When he doesn’t have to worry about how difficult it will be to get out of a relationship, a man is much more inclined to get involved.
+ She will appear to be more attractive to him if a woman seems open at first to a man’s advances and then later seems a little unsure about moving on the stage three.
+ Men are to pursue and women are to create the opportunity to be pursued.
+ The more she gives in advance, the happier she becomes because she assumes she will get it all in return but that actually makes her less attractive to him.
+ A man feels his love when he is directly faced with the possibility of losing a woman.
+Instead of feeling like a victim at the whim of her partner’s changing feelings, a woman can feel self-assured.
+ If things have been moving too fast, she can begin moving back through the stages to create a distance for the love to grow.
+ Men first feel physical attraction while women focus on on the mental and emotional attraction.
+ For men: they start from phsycial attraction -> emotional ( he likes her despite physical attraction )-> mental ( attracted by her character ) -> soul
+ We are generally attracted to people who are not like ourselves.
+ We must always keep to our high standards to be attracted to the right guy.
+ Don’t pursue or please a man because he will focus on how she can please him
+ Woman = receptive and man = active
+ Women give what women want not the men want
+ Men feel most liked when the results of their decisions and actions are acknowledged and appreciated.
+ Men like indirect compliments while women like a more direct compliment.
+ Add more words to the sentence to make your man happier such as “so, happy, very, always”
+ When a man talks too much, do as the Martians do and just interrupt.
Ways to interrupt:
1.“ Let me try to say this differently” instead of “ You don’t understand”
2.“That’s right, I think…” or “I never thought of it that way, I thought…”
3. Don’t say “Are you Even Interested in What I Think?” but say “That is very interesting. I think…”
4. Instead of saying “Well I disagree. I think”, say “ I have another take on this” or “I have another way of looking at that”.
5. Don’t Say “May I Ask You a Question?”. Instead just interrupt with a comment like “That makes sense. I remember an experience I once had…”
+ Talk About What Happened, Not About Him
+ Don’t give advice on anything, but ask for advice
+ Don’t Offer to Help Him in Any Way, but Instead Ask for His Help
+ Three things that make the women more attractive: self-assurance – an attitude that assumes you will always get what you need and that at this moment you are in the process of getting it. It means you don’t have to do it all by yourself.
+ When a woman shifts from feeling self-assured to earning a man’s affection, she becomes less attractive.
+ A receptive woman is able to receive what she gets and not resent getting less.
+ The way women response to man makes him feel happy.
+ Soul mates have different interests, complementary needs, same level of maturity, and value same values
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 25, 2008
After my seven-year marriage dissolved, I felt I needed something to get me in tune to the dating scene of the new era. A friend of mine had suggested this book so I read it with speculation and hesitation. I am glad that I did because I enjoyed it.
John Gray, the well known author of the best selling book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, takes you through the steps and stages of dating so that you end up in a lasting relationship. He lists five stages that you have to go through successfully to end up married or in a meaningful relationship.
In Mars and Venus on a Date, you are brought through stage one, which is attraction, and then onto stage two categorized as uncertainty. Stage three and four deal with exclusivity and intimacy. The last stage that John Gray introduces you to is engagement, which goes into how to make up with each other so that your relationship doesn't lead to a break up and he explains the different reasons why men and women get married. What I liked about the book is that it is intended for both men and women. It helps you to understand how the opposite sex feels. Let's face it. No one understands the opposite sex but after I read the book, I had more insight into how each sex thinks and feels about dating and relationships.
I didn't think I could utilize this book but it came in handy while I was dating. With a little bit of experimenting, I was able to see what John Gray was talking about in his book. It is written with good intentions and with a good heart from a man who has produced a total of seven books on relationships between men and women. He has a Ph. D. and has been conducting seminars for 26 years in major cities.
I enjoyed reading this book because in a humorous and thoughtful fashion, it touches on all aspects of dating and explains the reasoning why men and women do what they do especially after that first date. It's fascinating to read about how you can attract and choose the right person that is meant for you. The book tells you about the warning signs to look out for so you don't get involved with the wrong person, it teaches you how to bring out the best in your partner and covers many other topics that are very useful and important for you to know. It makes dating more fun and exciting.
Mars and Venus on a Date is a good self-help book to read when you find yourself back in the dating game.
John Gray, the well known author of the best selling book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, takes you through the steps and stages of dating so that you end up in a lasting relationship. He lists five stages that you have to go through successfully to end up married or in a meaningful relationship.
In Mars and Venus on a Date, you are brought through stage one, which is attraction, and then onto stage two categorized as uncertainty. Stage three and four deal with exclusivity and intimacy. The last stage that John Gray introduces you to is engagement, which goes into how to make up with each other so that your relationship doesn't lead to a break up and he explains the different reasons why men and women get married. What I liked about the book is that it is intended for both men and women. It helps you to understand how the opposite sex feels. Let's face it. No one understands the opposite sex but after I read the book, I had more insight into how each sex thinks and feels about dating and relationships.
I didn't think I could utilize this book but it came in handy while I was dating. With a little bit of experimenting, I was able to see what John Gray was talking about in his book. It is written with good intentions and with a good heart from a man who has produced a total of seven books on relationships between men and women. He has a Ph. D. and has been conducting seminars for 26 years in major cities.
I enjoyed reading this book because in a humorous and thoughtful fashion, it touches on all aspects of dating and explains the reasoning why men and women do what they do especially after that first date. It's fascinating to read about how you can attract and choose the right person that is meant for you. The book tells you about the warning signs to look out for so you don't get involved with the wrong person, it teaches you how to bring out the best in your partner and covers many other topics that are very useful and important for you to know. It makes dating more fun and exciting.
Mars and Venus on a Date is a good self-help book to read when you find yourself back in the dating game.
June 10, 2013
Thought this was a great book. Even good for people in long term relationships. Of course you take some and you leave some but I really enjoyed the items I took away from the book.
August 3, 2013
An incredibly valuable, insightful, and joy-filled perspective on the differences between men and women.
April 5, 2013
This was a great book. I had read it before, and just finished reading it with a group of women. Some were afraid that they hadn't read the original Mars and Venus book and would be lost. That is not the case. Every concept that Gray discusses, he explains fully. He mentions the first book occasionally but information is not missing.
My biggest concern is that the book is very dated. It leans back to a much "simpler" time, and has zero advice about online dating websites and the new ways men and women interact. There are also some parts where the information is repeated over and over, or lists go on and on.
Lastly, if you are a devout feminist, this book will offend you. If you can not accept or expect (Gray calls it "being receptive") a man doing things for you as a woman, you will be gravely disappointed.
The book is written from the male perspective that works more at fixing women, and I would be surprised to find a man who has read this book. It is helpful in explaining a lot of misconceptions women have. As with every self-help book it will not fix everyone. Gray explains that sometimes there is a bit of role reversal, and goes on to explain this away.
If you are into self-help and open to heterosexual dating you will surely take something away from this book.
My biggest concern is that the book is very dated. It leans back to a much "simpler" time, and has zero advice about online dating websites and the new ways men and women interact. There are also some parts where the information is repeated over and over, or lists go on and on.
Lastly, if you are a devout feminist, this book will offend you. If you can not accept or expect (Gray calls it "being receptive") a man doing things for you as a woman, you will be gravely disappointed.
The book is written from the male perspective that works more at fixing women, and I would be surprised to find a man who has read this book. It is helpful in explaining a lot of misconceptions women have. As with every self-help book it will not fix everyone. Gray explains that sometimes there is a bit of role reversal, and goes on to explain this away.
If you are into self-help and open to heterosexual dating you will surely take something away from this book.
December 28, 2014
Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship (1997) by Dr. John Gray is a companion to the more well-known Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Men and Venus on a Date, however, provides deeper insight into the world of couples trying to figure out the rules and taboos to dating a Martian or Venusian and holds keys that will unlock the mystery of communication and how to build a stronger and more loving relationship with your partner.
As Dr. Gray explains, “this book is directly written for singles and dating couples who are interested in finding true and lasting love” (p xiii).
But for this post I will focus primarily on some helpful information about how Martians (often of the male gender) and Venusians (often of the female gender) communicate and how they are interpreted and how each partner can work to better express themselves and learn how to communicate more efficiently.
First, though, a reader needs to understand that Martians and Venusians are in fact different and do not communicate in the same shape or fashion, and this is by far the greatest mistake couples make when dating. Just as someone from the East would instinctively learn that people in the West have different customs and cultural habits and do not communicate in the same way so should Martians and Venusians learn and become more aware of how each partner may communicate.
For instance, on Mars when Martians apologize that usually ends the entire discussion and the Martians shake hands, slap each other on the back and go have a beer and all is forgotten. “On Venus,” Dr. Gray explains, “it is the opposite. When you say you are sorry, the discussion begins. When a man says he is sorry to a woman, she will proceed to tell him in great detail why he should be feeling sorry” (p 117).
Now if a Martian does not know this about Venusians then he would likely become annoyed and she would feel rejected and uncared for and an argument would arise and the relationship would begin to break down. If a Martian has the knowledge and skills and knows about the customs and practices of his favorite Venusian, he sits and listens and helps her explore her emotions and learns why he should be sorry and he should quite possibly be taking notes so he doesn’t make the same mistake in the future. This would show the Venusian that she is cared for and help her feel more secure in the relationship.
A woman needs a man who will make her feel special, unique and secure. “She needs to feel that he adores, cares for, understands, and respects her so much that he will always be there for her,” writes Dr. Gray (p 127). A Martian, therefore, needs to understand better how Venusians think, act, behave, and speak; otherwise a Martian will misinterpret his favorite Venusian.
“When we misinterpret each other, it can cause us to sabotage our relationships unknowingly,” writes Dr. Gray. “A woman may mistakenly conclude her date is ‘just another man incapable of making a commitment’ and give up. A man may think his date is another woman whose needs may smother him and take away his freedom. As a result, he loses interest.
“No matter how sincere you are, if your partner is misinterpreting your innocent and automatic reactions and responses, your attempts to create a relationship may be unsuccessful. It is not enough merely to be authentic in sharing yourself; to succeed in dating you need to consider how you will be interpreted as well” (p 3).
There is not a person who I have not met who does not wish to be successful in love. Most people watch their Facebook posts fill up with couples happily in love and couples becoming engaged and writhe with secret envy, asking “How the hell does this even happen? Why can’t it happen to me?” And yet we all desire to be successful in our career and so we study and get degrees and learn the trades and spend countless hours learning how to be successful, and yet we automatically assume love will just happen. Wrong.
Love is as delicate as a plant and needs attention, caring and respect. And these characteristics can also be found in one who spends time studying over a book in a library preparing for an exam. Why do we think that love just happens and we don’t need to prepare ourselves to be the best we can be so we can bring the best to our partner and our relationship?
The truth is that love needs work to last and develop into a strong relationship but true love doesn’t need work to be recognized and respected. True love happens. One night you attend a party when you are filled with doubts about even going and then suddenly you fall into a seat across the very person you have longed waited to meet. You both instantly just know. You both play it cool. Avoiding each other, but in the end always coming back to each other and the conversations flow and both of you just click into place. And both of you know that the Universe has smashed two oceans into each other and it is such a wonderful feeling.
“When soul mates fall in love there is simply a recognition,” explains Dr. Gray. “It is clear and simple as recognizing that the sun is shining today, or the water I am drinking is cool and refreshing, or the rock I am holding is solid. This knowing is not in any way dependent on a long list of reasons or qualifications. Soul love is unconditional. When the right person comes along you ‘just know,’ and you spend the rest of your life discovering why he or she is the right person…A soul mate is someone who has the unique ability to bring out the best in us. Soul mates are not perfect, but perfect for us” (p 14-17).
But with that said, it does not hurt to learn about your partner’s communication patterns and prepare yourself to be the best you can be. Here are fifteen key insights that can help any relationship become stronger:
1) “Whenever a man does something to make a woman feel special, in her eyes he becomes more attractive…If she has to care too much about his needs, if she has to be overly sensitive not to hurt his feelings, then he becomes less attractive. When she is free not to worry about him, but simply enjoy the fact that he cares about her, then she becomes more attracted to him” (p 37).
2) A man far too often doesn’t understand nor “realize that a woman will feel most supported and impressed when he listens with interest rather than talking about himself or giving advice” (p 36).
3) “A woman’s willingness to ‘share all’ is actually a compliment to the other woman. It is a sign of trust, goodwill, and friendship” (p 38).
4) When a woman is finally “getting her needs met, then and only then is his happiness hers” (p 44).
5) “A man bonds with a woman through being successful in providing for her happiness, comfort, and fulfillment. His doubts are dispelled not primarily by what she does for him, but by how she responds to what he does for her” (p 49).
6) “By clearly understanding the wisdom of going slowly and moving through the five stages of dating [Attraction, Uncertainty, Exclusivity, Intimacy, and Engagement], both men and women will enjoy the dating process more and eventually find true love” (p 59).
7) “If he can respect her, then he is worthy of her” (p 59).
8) “By deliberately putting forth his energy and attention to fulfill a woman’s romantic needs long after a woman has accepted him, a man trains himself to experience that the little romantic gestures of dating are not just to win a woman over but are actually required and necessary to sustain her responsiveness” (p 70).
9) “In stage three, a man should remember that a woman feels most loved and supported when he offers to be of assistance. It is most romantic for a woman when a man anticipates her needs and offers to help. Even if she doesn’t need his help at the time, she will feel supported just because he offered” (p 77).
10) “Women like variety. They like to try new things and have new experiences. By continuing to take risks and try new things, a man is assured of successfully moving through stage three” (p 76).
11) “When a woman has a conversation her objective is to share. A man makes the best impression by asking questions and listening. Sharing in her thoughts and feelings is the way to win a woman over…When he asks questions, it reassures her that she is special and worthy of love. It is evidence that this man cares about her” (p 220-223).
12) “The direct way to a man’s heart is through complimenting and appreciating the things he provided. When a man experiences a positive response to the things he does or provides for her, he is more inclined to feel attracted. This is how a man’s affection for a woman grows” (p 261).
13) “The more a man succeeds in helping a woman, the more attracted he will be to her. A woman also experiences a greater attraction to man when he is helpful to her. She then mistakenly turns this around and assumes that if she is helpful to him, he will be more attracted to her. This is not true” (p 265).
14) “When a man expresses his masculine presence he is generally embodying the three basic characteristics of masculinity: he is confident, purposeful, and responsible. It is these three qualities that make a woman most attracted to him” (p 271).
15) “When a woman expresses her feminine radiance she is generally embodying the three basic characteristics of femininity: she is self-assured, receptive, and responsive. It is these three qualities that make a man most attracted to her” (p 271).
If any of these key insights were new to you and/or resonated with you on any level, I recommend picking up a copy of Mars and Venus on a Date and/or buying a copy for a friend. After all, aren’t our soul mates truly worth it? Aren’t we worth it?
“Choosing a soul mate is not a mental decision based on pros and cons of a relationship,” explains Dr. Gray. “It is not an emotional decision based on comparing how a person makes you feel. It is not a physical decision based on how a person looks. It is much deeper. When our soul wants to marry our partner, it feels like a promise that we came into this world to keep…When our soul wants to get married, it feels as if we have no choice. We have to do it if we are to be true to ourselves. It is this kind of commitment that can sustain a lifetime of love” (p 20-21).
And don’t we all want a lifetime of love? I’ll leave the answer to you… in the meantime:
Keep reading and smiling…
As Dr. Gray explains, “this book is directly written for singles and dating couples who are interested in finding true and lasting love” (p xiii).
But for this post I will focus primarily on some helpful information about how Martians (often of the male gender) and Venusians (often of the female gender) communicate and how they are interpreted and how each partner can work to better express themselves and learn how to communicate more efficiently.
First, though, a reader needs to understand that Martians and Venusians are in fact different and do not communicate in the same shape or fashion, and this is by far the greatest mistake couples make when dating. Just as someone from the East would instinctively learn that people in the West have different customs and cultural habits and do not communicate in the same way so should Martians and Venusians learn and become more aware of how each partner may communicate.
For instance, on Mars when Martians apologize that usually ends the entire discussion and the Martians shake hands, slap each other on the back and go have a beer and all is forgotten. “On Venus,” Dr. Gray explains, “it is the opposite. When you say you are sorry, the discussion begins. When a man says he is sorry to a woman, she will proceed to tell him in great detail why he should be feeling sorry” (p 117).
Now if a Martian does not know this about Venusians then he would likely become annoyed and she would feel rejected and uncared for and an argument would arise and the relationship would begin to break down. If a Martian has the knowledge and skills and knows about the customs and practices of his favorite Venusian, he sits and listens and helps her explore her emotions and learns why he should be sorry and he should quite possibly be taking notes so he doesn’t make the same mistake in the future. This would show the Venusian that she is cared for and help her feel more secure in the relationship.
A woman needs a man who will make her feel special, unique and secure. “She needs to feel that he adores, cares for, understands, and respects her so much that he will always be there for her,” writes Dr. Gray (p 127). A Martian, therefore, needs to understand better how Venusians think, act, behave, and speak; otherwise a Martian will misinterpret his favorite Venusian.
“When we misinterpret each other, it can cause us to sabotage our relationships unknowingly,” writes Dr. Gray. “A woman may mistakenly conclude her date is ‘just another man incapable of making a commitment’ and give up. A man may think his date is another woman whose needs may smother him and take away his freedom. As a result, he loses interest.
“No matter how sincere you are, if your partner is misinterpreting your innocent and automatic reactions and responses, your attempts to create a relationship may be unsuccessful. It is not enough merely to be authentic in sharing yourself; to succeed in dating you need to consider how you will be interpreted as well” (p 3).
There is not a person who I have not met who does not wish to be successful in love. Most people watch their Facebook posts fill up with couples happily in love and couples becoming engaged and writhe with secret envy, asking “How the hell does this even happen? Why can’t it happen to me?” And yet we all desire to be successful in our career and so we study and get degrees and learn the trades and spend countless hours learning how to be successful, and yet we automatically assume love will just happen. Wrong.
Love is as delicate as a plant and needs attention, caring and respect. And these characteristics can also be found in one who spends time studying over a book in a library preparing for an exam. Why do we think that love just happens and we don’t need to prepare ourselves to be the best we can be so we can bring the best to our partner and our relationship?
The truth is that love needs work to last and develop into a strong relationship but true love doesn’t need work to be recognized and respected. True love happens. One night you attend a party when you are filled with doubts about even going and then suddenly you fall into a seat across the very person you have longed waited to meet. You both instantly just know. You both play it cool. Avoiding each other, but in the end always coming back to each other and the conversations flow and both of you just click into place. And both of you know that the Universe has smashed two oceans into each other and it is such a wonderful feeling.
“When soul mates fall in love there is simply a recognition,” explains Dr. Gray. “It is clear and simple as recognizing that the sun is shining today, or the water I am drinking is cool and refreshing, or the rock I am holding is solid. This knowing is not in any way dependent on a long list of reasons or qualifications. Soul love is unconditional. When the right person comes along you ‘just know,’ and you spend the rest of your life discovering why he or she is the right person…A soul mate is someone who has the unique ability to bring out the best in us. Soul mates are not perfect, but perfect for us” (p 14-17).
But with that said, it does not hurt to learn about your partner’s communication patterns and prepare yourself to be the best you can be. Here are fifteen key insights that can help any relationship become stronger:
1) “Whenever a man does something to make a woman feel special, in her eyes he becomes more attractive…If she has to care too much about his needs, if she has to be overly sensitive not to hurt his feelings, then he becomes less attractive. When she is free not to worry about him, but simply enjoy the fact that he cares about her, then she becomes more attracted to him” (p 37).
2) A man far too often doesn’t understand nor “realize that a woman will feel most supported and impressed when he listens with interest rather than talking about himself or giving advice” (p 36).
3) “A woman’s willingness to ‘share all’ is actually a compliment to the other woman. It is a sign of trust, goodwill, and friendship” (p 38).
4) When a woman is finally “getting her needs met, then and only then is his happiness hers” (p 44).
5) “A man bonds with a woman through being successful in providing for her happiness, comfort, and fulfillment. His doubts are dispelled not primarily by what she does for him, but by how she responds to what he does for her” (p 49).
6) “By clearly understanding the wisdom of going slowly and moving through the five stages of dating [Attraction, Uncertainty, Exclusivity, Intimacy, and Engagement], both men and women will enjoy the dating process more and eventually find true love” (p 59).
7) “If he can respect her, then he is worthy of her” (p 59).
8) “By deliberately putting forth his energy and attention to fulfill a woman’s romantic needs long after a woman has accepted him, a man trains himself to experience that the little romantic gestures of dating are not just to win a woman over but are actually required and necessary to sustain her responsiveness” (p 70).
9) “In stage three, a man should remember that a woman feels most loved and supported when he offers to be of assistance. It is most romantic for a woman when a man anticipates her needs and offers to help. Even if she doesn’t need his help at the time, she will feel supported just because he offered” (p 77).
10) “Women like variety. They like to try new things and have new experiences. By continuing to take risks and try new things, a man is assured of successfully moving through stage three” (p 76).
11) “When a woman has a conversation her objective is to share. A man makes the best impression by asking questions and listening. Sharing in her thoughts and feelings is the way to win a woman over…When he asks questions, it reassures her that she is special and worthy of love. It is evidence that this man cares about her” (p 220-223).
12) “The direct way to a man’s heart is through complimenting and appreciating the things he provided. When a man experiences a positive response to the things he does or provides for her, he is more inclined to feel attracted. This is how a man’s affection for a woman grows” (p 261).
13) “The more a man succeeds in helping a woman, the more attracted he will be to her. A woman also experiences a greater attraction to man when he is helpful to her. She then mistakenly turns this around and assumes that if she is helpful to him, he will be more attracted to her. This is not true” (p 265).
14) “When a man expresses his masculine presence he is generally embodying the three basic characteristics of masculinity: he is confident, purposeful, and responsible. It is these three qualities that make a woman most attracted to him” (p 271).
15) “When a woman expresses her feminine radiance she is generally embodying the three basic characteristics of femininity: she is self-assured, receptive, and responsive. It is these three qualities that make a man most attracted to her” (p 271).
If any of these key insights were new to you and/or resonated with you on any level, I recommend picking up a copy of Mars and Venus on a Date and/or buying a copy for a friend. After all, aren’t our soul mates truly worth it? Aren’t we worth it?
“Choosing a soul mate is not a mental decision based on pros and cons of a relationship,” explains Dr. Gray. “It is not an emotional decision based on comparing how a person makes you feel. It is not a physical decision based on how a person looks. It is much deeper. When our soul wants to marry our partner, it feels like a promise that we came into this world to keep…When our soul wants to get married, it feels as if we have no choice. We have to do it if we are to be true to ourselves. It is this kind of commitment that can sustain a lifetime of love” (p 20-21).
And don’t we all want a lifetime of love? I’ll leave the answer to you… in the meantime:
Keep reading and smiling…
December 14, 2012
The genders do have different ways of processing and communicating things. In this book, John Gray offers standard trends with each gender in terms of dating rituals. Some may be critical of the sweeping generalizations, "Not all men do ...." "Not all women feel ..." but his intent is to only share what the majority often feel, react to, and methods typically used to communicate wants, needs and emotions.
If you get the chance, read this book with a member of the opposite sex. Read a chapter then have a discussion about it. These discussions are very informing and really help both genders find their way through the landmine that is inter gender relationships. Although this book may not apply to every individual, I have found the strategies and observations to be spot on with those I have come to know in my life.
A great read and awesome conversation starter if shared with a close friend of the opposite gender.
If you get the chance, read this book with a member of the opposite sex. Read a chapter then have a discussion about it. These discussions are very informing and really help both genders find their way through the landmine that is inter gender relationships. Although this book may not apply to every individual, I have found the strategies and observations to be spot on with those I have come to know in my life.
A great read and awesome conversation starter if shared with a close friend of the opposite gender.
November 16, 2017
What an amazing book. This book had a huge impact on my life. I can honestly say that this book saved more than one relationship . It also clearly explained why at least 3 relationships failed. This is a great resource on explaining the wonderful social/mental aspects of beginning, sustaining and ending a relationship. I have gotten many gems out of this book. For example, if the relationship fails, end it on a positive note. A few weeks later ask if your former partner knows of anybody who mite like to date you. This actually got me 4 dates.
I highly recommend this book. It is well though out and an excellent read. I do have one major criticism. [Yes I am still giving it 5 stars.] In the book, there is a chapter describing the phases of a relationship. I would like to see at least two chapters on each phase. including more examples and more insight into understanding when the you are at that stage and how to better identify what stage your partner is in.
I highly recommend this book. It is well though out and an excellent read. I do have one major criticism. [Yes I am still giving it 5 stars.] In the book, there is a chapter describing the phases of a relationship. I would like to see at least two chapters on each phase. including more examples and more insight into understanding when the you are at that stage and how to better identify what stage your partner is in.
November 8, 2017
I wish I had read this book a long time ago. This book helps explain how you can self-sabotage relationships even if you are dating your soulmate. It also helps lay the groundwork for you to be a better wife or husband in the future. The best way to put it is that this book helps explain the difference between having a good relationship and being in love. You need both in order to succeed and you can only have this if you are both in it with an open heart: One of the hardest things to do.
I'll be sure to re-read this book quite a few times in the coming year. One thing to keep in mind though is this book was written quite awhile ago so the list provided in the second half is outdated a bit.
I'll be sure to re-read this book quite a few times in the coming year. One thing to keep in mind though is this book was written quite awhile ago so the list provided in the second half is outdated a bit.
September 10, 2018
Thank you, again, John Gray, for teaching me so kindly what makes me different and unique and perfectly normal! This guidebook for navigating the dating experience is a must-have in my opinion. In it, John Gray lays out the five stages of a relationship's natural progression [to marriage], what each stage looks like, how to show up in each of those stages whether you're a man or a woman, and how you and the relationship evolve through the stages. It has proven incredibly accurate for me and my own experiences and I'm already going through it for the second time.
February 24, 2019
This is literally a relationship bible. Should be read by both men and women. Great insights into natural differences between men and women. No, we are not the same - equal maybe, but not the same. John Gray puts in words what I've always felt but couldn't express. With so much confusion and misunderstanding today in the relationships and increasing rates of divorces - books like this should be a must. I will bookmark it to re-read it later.
March 10, 2008
This is a book all single women should have on their bookshelf. I was amazed how many of my different relationships followed so many of the stages. It helped me realized the things I was doing wrong right from the start. I don't know if reading it changed anything I was doing but it was at least fun to be able to see what path I went down.
January 11, 2009
I couldn't finish the book. 2 plus chapters in, and it made me so angry. Yes there were some good points, but then again, I don't need to buy a book to tell me these pointers, my amazing friends have told me some of these things. I don't believe in "soul mates" or "soul love" so I found this book to be extremely corny and truly not informative.
November 12, 2015
I really enjoyed reading this book and my only regret is not reading it sooner. There is an enormous amount of useful information and actually a lot of information that has helped me see what went wrong on previous relationships. Excellent read and a great companion to "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."
March 22, 2008
For those that are newly single especially after a long term relationship or those that want a better insight in the Do's and Don'ts of find Mr Right or Miss Right - then this is the book. I absolutely enjoyed this book, fantastic read!!!
September 18, 2008
Insightful, helpful- read this years ago and it definitely gives you a better understanding of dating and relationships
June 26, 2010
Nice read... not just for singledoms out there, as well as those in relationships. One could learned a lot from it still.
August 8, 2022
Very practical approaches and examples to how men and women think differently and how to have more successful dating experiences. He doesn’t want anyone to change the way they are, but rather to understand why the opposite sex is doing/saying certain things. This is a great supplementary read to his OG book “men are from mars women are from Venus” for someone who is still in the dating game
April 9, 2020
Not impressive or life-changing but it definitely has some good to take into consideration points. Veni Vidi Vici kind of book
February 21, 2022
I don't usually read Self Improvement type books but I do have to say that I was really surprised how much relevance this book has, even in today's culture. Was it more old fashioned, of course. Was there more importance on "gentleman" behavior toward a lady and visa versa, of course. The author is himself of a different generation when more kids were taught these behavior as children. But, the meat of the book was on track and focused on the different stages of a relationship. From conception to marriage and everything in between. For a woman in her early 40s and with the experience of an 18 year marriage, I still learned from the book. A definite read for any one in their mid life and older, think of it as a refresher course!
3.5 Stars
3.5 Stars
July 4, 2021
“Marriage is to women what sex is to men”.
....No. No it is not. This book is gross.
....No. No it is not. This book is gross.
September 3, 2016
De 10 minute am terminat cartea aceasta, care mi s-a parut extraordinara. O prietena de-a mea si-a comandat-o de pe internet, iar mai apoi i-a adus-o si surorii mele. Cu toate ca stiam de cateva luni ca am mari probleme in domeniul relatiilor amoroase, nu am fost deloc incantata cand am luat prima data cartea in mana. Am inceput s-o citesc din cauza entuziasmului cu care mi-a fost prezentata, insa nu stiam ce avea sa mi se intample... In prima noapte am ramas cu ea in mana pana la 4:30 dimineata, citind-o pe sarite de la coada la cap. M-a enervat in repetate randuri, dar nu puteam sa ma despart de ea. Stiam ca am nevoie de ajutor. Ziua urmatoare nu am lasat-o din mana pentru cateva ore, intorcandu-ma la ea insetata de adevar. Rand pe rand mi-a aratat de cate ori am gresit in relatiile mele, cum am reusit sa-i indepartez pe barbatii la care am tinut, de ce m-am despartit de atatea ori fara sa dau niciun semn, si cel mai important mi-a strigat in fata ca de fapt nu i-am inteles pe barbati atat de bine precum credeam! Azi, a treia zi, am terminat-o si doresc sa mi-o cumpar pentru a o reciti oricand simt nevoia. Mi-a lamurit atat de multe lucruri! Iar asta o face foarte valoroasa in ochii mei. Ei bine, de acum voi putea interpreta corect atitudinea barbatilor si voi sti sa ma comport ca o adevarata domnisoara. :)
January 30, 2020
I really liked the original "men are from mars and women are from venus" because it gave nice advices for married couple. But this book had two problems.
1 - culture/geography
2 - the year/ speaking of generation
I am Brazilian. I am 27, almost 28. I live in a generation that makes dating revolve around technologies.
Here's an example: John Gray gives advices about calling/not calling.
But with the technology of texting, this call/not call takes a path with many shades of gray.
Because you can actually know someone bettet through texting without even consider a first date. Because of social media, texts... The whole book seems outdated, you know? It feels like this book was written for people in the 80's.
And there is another problem. As I mentioned, I am not American. So the whole dating thing works different in Brazil.
Brazilians are very upfront and kinda invented a "pre-dating". You date someone but nothing is official. So there is an extra obstacle, specially if the men are indecised.
The whole dynamic of dating in this book is very American. Even if John decided to write a 2020 year edition for dating, it would still have cultural differences. (Not saying cultural difference is bad. I am jusr trying to warn foreigners)
But the real problem of the book is, indeed, the outdated feeling of reading advices for people in the 1980's
1 - culture/geography
2 - the year/ speaking of generation
I am Brazilian. I am 27, almost 28. I live in a generation that makes dating revolve around technologies.
Here's an example: John Gray gives advices about calling/not calling.
But with the technology of texting, this call/not call takes a path with many shades of gray.
Because you can actually know someone bettet through texting without even consider a first date. Because of social media, texts... The whole book seems outdated, you know? It feels like this book was written for people in the 80's.
And there is another problem. As I mentioned, I am not American. So the whole dating thing works different in Brazil.
Brazilians are very upfront and kinda invented a "pre-dating". You date someone but nothing is official. So there is an extra obstacle, specially if the men are indecised.
The whole dynamic of dating in this book is very American. Even if John decided to write a 2020 year edition for dating, it would still have cultural differences. (Not saying cultural difference is bad. I am jusr trying to warn foreigners)
But the real problem of the book is, indeed, the outdated feeling of reading advices for people in the 1980's
July 11, 2017
I think every human of relationship age should read this book. Great breakdown of the typical differences between the genders and how those differences affect one's instincts in a romantic relationship. Suddenly things make sense. Light bulbs start burning bright. I've read a few decent relationship books, but this one breaks down such basic differences that it should be a prerequisite to the others. The book only briefly touches on being a strong, self-aware and confident individual before attempting to date and that's such a HUGE part of any successful relationship. I'm sure some people have issues grasping some of the suggestions because they aren't first right with themselves. And I gotta say I'm all for gender equality in the workplace, but chivalry needs to stay alive and well at home and you'll see why. Here and there I thought a few things were awkward or silly, I guess because they weren't relevant to me, and I also didn't love the God stuff, but you take some and you leave some — all in all a wonderful book! I have been recommending it to everyone I know, even the married couples.
March 19, 2016
Some good advice, some hilarious advice. Thanks to Mr Gray I'm feeling more kindly disposed towards the last man I went out with who spent our first two dates singing his own praises with barely a pause for breath and didn't ask me a single question. He was just advertising, it's what they do on Mars apparently. I am looking forward to being self assured, receptive and responsive on any future dates. However I'm not sure I'll be juicing up my compliments as advised, from 'I am happy we did this' to 'I am very very happy we did this' or even 'I am really so happy we did this' Or 'I always feel so happy when we do this'.
January 17, 2018
An awesome and practical guide for dating!
This book was so incredible. It answered so many questions I’ve had over the years about the intricacies of dating and why guys do what they do. It also pointed out plenty of areas where I need to shift my thinking. I always thought I understood how guys think, but apparently I was vastly wrong. I’ve already begun to put the information into action and I have seen differences in how guys relate to me. I plan to share this book with my single friends!
This book was so incredible. It answered so many questions I’ve had over the years about the intricacies of dating and why guys do what they do. It also pointed out plenty of areas where I need to shift my thinking. I always thought I understood how guys think, but apparently I was vastly wrong. I’ve already begun to put the information into action and I have seen differences in how guys relate to me. I plan to share this book with my single friends!
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