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Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • An award-winning guide to the sometimes erratic and confusing behavior of teenage girls that explains what’s going on, prepares parents for what’s to come, and lets them know when it’s time to worry.
Look for Under Pressure, the companion guide to coping with stress and anxiety among girls, available now.
In this sane, highly engaging, and informed guide for parents of daughters, Dr. Damour draws on decades of experience and the latest research to reveal the seven distinct—and absolutely normal—developmental transitions that turn girls into grown-ups, including Parting with Childhood, Contending with Adult Authority, Entering the Romantic World, and Caring for Herself. Providing realistic scenarios and welcome advice on how to engage daughters in smart, constructive ways, Untangled gives parents a broad framework for understanding their daughters while addressing their most common questions, including
• My thirteen-year-old rolls her eyes when I try to talk to her, and only does it more when I get angry with her about it. How should I respond?
• Do I tell my teen daughter that I’m checking her phone?
• My daughter suffers from test anxiety. What can I do to help her?
• Where’s the line between healthy eating and having an eating disorder?
• My teenage daughter wants to know why I’m against pot when it’s legal in some states. What should I say?
• My daughter’s friend is cutting herself. Do I call the girl’s mother to let her know?
Perhaps most important, Untangled helps mothers and fathers understand, connect, and grow with their daughters. When parents know what makes their daughter tick, they can embrace and enjoy the challenge of raising a healthy, happy young woman.
BOOKS FOR A BETTER LIFE AWARD WINNER
“Finally, there’s some good news for puzzled parents of adolescent girls, and psychologist Lisa Damour is the bearer of that happy news. [ Untangled ] is the most down-to-earth, readable parenting book I’ve come across in a long time.” — The Washington Post
“Anna Freud wrote in 1958, ‘There are few situations in life which are more difficult to cope with than an adolescent son or daughter during the attempt to liberate themselves.’ In the intervening decades, the transition doesn’t appear to have gotten any easier which makes Untangled such a welcome new resource.” — The Boston Globe
Look for Under Pressure, the companion guide to coping with stress and anxiety among girls, available now.
In this sane, highly engaging, and informed guide for parents of daughters, Dr. Damour draws on decades of experience and the latest research to reveal the seven distinct—and absolutely normal—developmental transitions that turn girls into grown-ups, including Parting with Childhood, Contending with Adult Authority, Entering the Romantic World, and Caring for Herself. Providing realistic scenarios and welcome advice on how to engage daughters in smart, constructive ways, Untangled gives parents a broad framework for understanding their daughters while addressing their most common questions, including
• My thirteen-year-old rolls her eyes when I try to talk to her, and only does it more when I get angry with her about it. How should I respond?
• Do I tell my teen daughter that I’m checking her phone?
• My daughter suffers from test anxiety. What can I do to help her?
• Where’s the line between healthy eating and having an eating disorder?
• My teenage daughter wants to know why I’m against pot when it’s legal in some states. What should I say?
• My daughter’s friend is cutting herself. Do I call the girl’s mother to let her know?
Perhaps most important, Untangled helps mothers and fathers understand, connect, and grow with their daughters. When parents know what makes their daughter tick, they can embrace and enjoy the challenge of raising a healthy, happy young woman.
BOOKS FOR A BETTER LIFE AWARD WINNER
“Finally, there’s some good news for puzzled parents of adolescent girls, and psychologist Lisa Damour is the bearer of that happy news. [ Untangled ] is the most down-to-earth, readable parenting book I’ve come across in a long time.” — The Washington Post
“Anna Freud wrote in 1958, ‘There are few situations in life which are more difficult to cope with than an adolescent son or daughter during the attempt to liberate themselves.’ In the intervening decades, the transition doesn’t appear to have gotten any easier which makes Untangled such a welcome new resource.” — The Boston Globe
352 pages, Hardcover
First published February 2, 2016
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,894 reviews
September 30, 2016
ATTENTION: REQUIRED READING FOR PARENTS OF TEEN GIRLS
Such valuable, valuable help from a therapist whose life work centers around providing counsel and working with thousands of teen girls and their parents. This book really calmed me down and made me think, Oh, it's ok. Oh, it's normal. I'll list out what I want to remember. Warning: Very long.
*When they're complaining about something or dumping their emotions on you - just listen. They probably won't take any advice, but to be sure you can say, Do you want my help with what your describing or do you just want to vent? OR if you feel the probably needs to be put in better perspective you can say, I have a different take on the situation - do you want to hear it? It's normal for them to take out frustrations on the family or siblings or feel she has to "punish the family for her bad day". But if it's clear, she plans to be wretched, say "You may not be in a good mood, but you are not allowed to mistreat us. If you want to talk about what's bugging you, I'm all ears".
*Externalization. Once the child dumps out her feelings, she's essentially giving them to you. You may, at this point, be more stressed and worried than she now is. Ex: Of college daughter who called her mom, crying and sharing misery about school. When she hung up, the daughter felt much better. But the mom was up all night worried about her daughter. The next day dad called and asked how daughter was and she was over it and just fine. Having unloaded on her mom all the uncomfortable feelings. It's a "strange, subtle process that helps make adolescence manageable". When this happens to parents, they may feel tempted to fix and solve and rescue. Answer: Do nothing.
* Validate their feelings. "When feelings are minimized, girls turn up the volume to make sure they are heard. Once a girl believes her parents understand where she's coming from, she's usually willing to consider their advice or find her own solution". When you tell her to calm down about an issue, she may to appease you but you haven't really helped. Now she feels upset, dismissed and guilty.
*Tears. Crying provides emotional relief. Don't shame them. Point out that relief results from a good cry. Other things to say when they're in distress and not responding to you, "Is there anything I can do that won't make this worse?" This communicates: You understand her distress is real, you aren't going to talk her out of her feelings, you're not afraid of them. When your daughter is in distress, she needs to hear your confidence that she will be ok.
Social media: Before it was around, a teen going through a heartache or crisis would vent silently or to diaries. They might have written an angry, hurtful letter to the offender, but then after calming down, ripped it up. They had time to consider how they wanted to act on hurt feelings. Now, it's common to grab the phone desperately, when in distress, and start stirring up drama and retaliation and destruction. It provides short-term relief but also "sets the stage for more emotional distress" as the friends strike back later. Or instead of processing upset feelings, they turn to phones to numb and distract. When posting good news online, instead of savoring the happiness, now the girl must keep anxiously checking for likes and approval. One solution : Stave off ready access to social media as long as possible and limit the access so they can "learn to summon their own resources or us in-person support". Make sure she is involved in extra curriculars or support hobbies so she can excel and derive confidence that isn't based on social approval.
*Better to be too strict than too permissive. You can always loosen the grip over time, but it's much harder to reign in once you've been too permissive and see the error. They want lines drawn and like to push against them. If they don't find friction with adults on minor things - dark lipstick, offensive music, weird clothes, undone chores - they may move to more risky behavior as they wonder where the boundaries are. It's terrifying to think that nobody is watching out for them. Go ahead and engage on the small stuff (loud music, sassy mouth), don't let it slide or the lines keep getting pushed out farther.
*Risky behavior: instead of lecturing the child on why she shouldn't spend the night at a boy's house, for example, assume she has a wise, mature side and speak to that part of her, "You and I both know the risks"...the natural consequences of what could happen, rather than attacked her judgment and behavior. They need to focus, not on escaping adult detection, but the real dangers they might face. When they reveal classmates risky behavior -don't react with shock and say, That's awful! I'd ground her if she was my daughter!. Rather, enlist her, "can you help stop her from doing that? I'd hate for her to get hurt or kill herself or someone else". When parents threaten their kids - "If I ever caught you doing that..!" they are hoping to scare her straight. Better to calmly discuss the natural consequences and risks otherwise you're just starting a game of "Better not get caught by mom". Frame the conversations in terms of the dangers not what will happen if she gets busted.
*Shame vs. Repair - Shaming says, you are bad! Repairing says, You used bad judgment, but you can make it right again. This way teens learn from their mistakes and know there's a way back. Shame festers inside and leads to more long-term problems.
*Be aware that many teen boys are consuming explicit porn and expecting this is normal and seek to try out what they've seen online. "The romantic landscape around her has been altered". They have a lot of pressure to send nudes and do other sexual favors. Talk to your teen about this inappropriate behavior on the guys part and empower them. They may roll their eyes, but they like hearing that she's not a prude because she doesn't participate. This behavior from the boys should make them angry, not consider that it's normal and acceptable.
*Caring for herself. (alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, eating disorders, weight problems) Example given of girl who got drunk on hard liquor and blacked out at party. Instead of the therapist peppering, how much did you drink, did you black out, how often... she had one question that served her well, "Are YOU worried about your drinking?" with the right noncritical/nonjudgmental tone, you can side with her mature side to see if there is reason to be concerned about her ability to care for herself. and "Where do you want to go from here?" Raise topics of things you heard on the radio. Point out that the government doesn't ban drugs because they hate fun or want to keep officers busy, talk about the hazards and additive nature and science.
*Planning for the future. Power struggles over homework (US!) "Never get into a power struggle when the teen holds all the power. They have almost total control and you have none". We wonder why would a teen sabotage her future. Some lack maturity to see it this way. They may want to prove their parents don't have power over them. They don't see they are closing off options to their future selves that may care at that point, even if they don't now. Choices have consequences. Usually the consequence is too far in the future for the teen to take seriously now, parents need to shorten the distance to the consequences AND move out of the role of homework supervisor. "We hate to see you shutting down options you may want to have at the end of HS. We know you like to go out to parties and concerts with your friends, but those things require maturity and good judgment. You're not showing maturity at school, so we're not doing our job as parents if we let you go into risky situations without proof that you don't have good judgment. Show us your maturity and we'll let you exercise that maturity when you spend time with your friends." Be careful that tones are hopeful and not hostile. You WANT your teen to have fun with friends, and it's up to her to choose that option. The plan isn't to persecute, it's to provide a small-scale version of how the real world works. Ask the educators on their take of your child's efforts. They are often in the best position to assess their performance.
*Monitoring schoolwork: When you closely monitor schoolwork and don't them them falter, stepping in to help them, it keeps the girls from growing/progressing. "We know you're disappointed about your grades, we see you haven't been taking charge of your schoolwork. We are happy to connect you to resources at school, but trust you'll figure out what you need to do differently...".
Fixed vs growth mindset: If she doesn't make the squad or get the part, don't commiserate and say, I know, I never made the squad either, boo hoo. Or, They picked THAT girl to play instead of you!! You're way better! This fixed mindset "reassurance" backfires. Don't try to salvage their self-esteem by telling them they are special or great at other things. This makes them feel like a helpless victim. Rather, tell them they've come a long way and they'll keep growing with practice. It's crummy to lose, but now you know what you need to do to be better and you can choose to work on that for next time. Coupling these works with warm reassurance in your tone will help them feel better. Praise effort not smarts.
OK, I'm out of typing juice. I need to go make flashcards to pull out of my purse at any given moment as I raise these two tempestuous teenage girls currently residing in my household.
Such valuable, valuable help from a therapist whose life work centers around providing counsel and working with thousands of teen girls and their parents. This book really calmed me down and made me think, Oh, it's ok. Oh, it's normal. I'll list out what I want to remember. Warning: Very long.
*When they're complaining about something or dumping their emotions on you - just listen. They probably won't take any advice, but to be sure you can say, Do you want my help with what your describing or do you just want to vent? OR if you feel the probably needs to be put in better perspective you can say, I have a different take on the situation - do you want to hear it? It's normal for them to take out frustrations on the family or siblings or feel she has to "punish the family for her bad day". But if it's clear, she plans to be wretched, say "You may not be in a good mood, but you are not allowed to mistreat us. If you want to talk about what's bugging you, I'm all ears".
*Externalization. Once the child dumps out her feelings, she's essentially giving them to you. You may, at this point, be more stressed and worried than she now is. Ex: Of college daughter who called her mom, crying and sharing misery about school. When she hung up, the daughter felt much better. But the mom was up all night worried about her daughter. The next day dad called and asked how daughter was and she was over it and just fine. Having unloaded on her mom all the uncomfortable feelings. It's a "strange, subtle process that helps make adolescence manageable". When this happens to parents, they may feel tempted to fix and solve and rescue. Answer: Do nothing.
* Validate their feelings. "When feelings are minimized, girls turn up the volume to make sure they are heard. Once a girl believes her parents understand where she's coming from, she's usually willing to consider their advice or find her own solution". When you tell her to calm down about an issue, she may to appease you but you haven't really helped. Now she feels upset, dismissed and guilty.
*Tears. Crying provides emotional relief. Don't shame them. Point out that relief results from a good cry. Other things to say when they're in distress and not responding to you, "Is there anything I can do that won't make this worse?" This communicates: You understand her distress is real, you aren't going to talk her out of her feelings, you're not afraid of them. When your daughter is in distress, she needs to hear your confidence that she will be ok.
Social media: Before it was around, a teen going through a heartache or crisis would vent silently or to diaries. They might have written an angry, hurtful letter to the offender, but then after calming down, ripped it up. They had time to consider how they wanted to act on hurt feelings. Now, it's common to grab the phone desperately, when in distress, and start stirring up drama and retaliation and destruction. It provides short-term relief but also "sets the stage for more emotional distress" as the friends strike back later. Or instead of processing upset feelings, they turn to phones to numb and distract. When posting good news online, instead of savoring the happiness, now the girl must keep anxiously checking for likes and approval. One solution : Stave off ready access to social media as long as possible and limit the access so they can "learn to summon their own resources or us in-person support". Make sure she is involved in extra curriculars or support hobbies so she can excel and derive confidence that isn't based on social approval.
*Better to be too strict than too permissive. You can always loosen the grip over time, but it's much harder to reign in once you've been too permissive and see the error. They want lines drawn and like to push against them. If they don't find friction with adults on minor things - dark lipstick, offensive music, weird clothes, undone chores - they may move to more risky behavior as they wonder where the boundaries are. It's terrifying to think that nobody is watching out for them. Go ahead and engage on the small stuff (loud music, sassy mouth), don't let it slide or the lines keep getting pushed out farther.
*Risky behavior: instead of lecturing the child on why she shouldn't spend the night at a boy's house, for example, assume she has a wise, mature side and speak to that part of her, "You and I both know the risks"...the natural consequences of what could happen, rather than attacked her judgment and behavior. They need to focus, not on escaping adult detection, but the real dangers they might face. When they reveal classmates risky behavior -don't react with shock and say, That's awful! I'd ground her if she was my daughter!. Rather, enlist her, "can you help stop her from doing that? I'd hate for her to get hurt or kill herself or someone else". When parents threaten their kids - "If I ever caught you doing that..!" they are hoping to scare her straight. Better to calmly discuss the natural consequences and risks otherwise you're just starting a game of "Better not get caught by mom". Frame the conversations in terms of the dangers not what will happen if she gets busted.
*Shame vs. Repair - Shaming says, you are bad! Repairing says, You used bad judgment, but you can make it right again. This way teens learn from their mistakes and know there's a way back. Shame festers inside and leads to more long-term problems.
*Be aware that many teen boys are consuming explicit porn and expecting this is normal and seek to try out what they've seen online. "The romantic landscape around her has been altered". They have a lot of pressure to send nudes and do other sexual favors. Talk to your teen about this inappropriate behavior on the guys part and empower them. They may roll their eyes, but they like hearing that she's not a prude because she doesn't participate. This behavior from the boys should make them angry, not consider that it's normal and acceptable.
*Caring for herself. (alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, eating disorders, weight problems) Example given of girl who got drunk on hard liquor and blacked out at party. Instead of the therapist peppering, how much did you drink, did you black out, how often... she had one question that served her well, "Are YOU worried about your drinking?" with the right noncritical/nonjudgmental tone, you can side with her mature side to see if there is reason to be concerned about her ability to care for herself. and "Where do you want to go from here?" Raise topics of things you heard on the radio. Point out that the government doesn't ban drugs because they hate fun or want to keep officers busy, talk about the hazards and additive nature and science.
*Planning for the future. Power struggles over homework (US!) "Never get into a power struggle when the teen holds all the power. They have almost total control and you have none". We wonder why would a teen sabotage her future. Some lack maturity to see it this way. They may want to prove their parents don't have power over them. They don't see they are closing off options to their future selves that may care at that point, even if they don't now. Choices have consequences. Usually the consequence is too far in the future for the teen to take seriously now, parents need to shorten the distance to the consequences AND move out of the role of homework supervisor. "We hate to see you shutting down options you may want to have at the end of HS. We know you like to go out to parties and concerts with your friends, but those things require maturity and good judgment. You're not showing maturity at school, so we're not doing our job as parents if we let you go into risky situations without proof that you don't have good judgment. Show us your maturity and we'll let you exercise that maturity when you spend time with your friends." Be careful that tones are hopeful and not hostile. You WANT your teen to have fun with friends, and it's up to her to choose that option. The plan isn't to persecute, it's to provide a small-scale version of how the real world works. Ask the educators on their take of your child's efforts. They are often in the best position to assess their performance.
*Monitoring schoolwork: When you closely monitor schoolwork and don't them them falter, stepping in to help them, it keeps the girls from growing/progressing. "We know you're disappointed about your grades, we see you haven't been taking charge of your schoolwork. We are happy to connect you to resources at school, but trust you'll figure out what you need to do differently...".
Fixed vs growth mindset: If she doesn't make the squad or get the part, don't commiserate and say, I know, I never made the squad either, boo hoo. Or, They picked THAT girl to play instead of you!! You're way better! This fixed mindset "reassurance" backfires. Don't try to salvage their self-esteem by telling them they are special or great at other things. This makes them feel like a helpless victim. Rather, tell them they've come a long way and they'll keep growing with practice. It's crummy to lose, but now you know what you need to do to be better and you can choose to work on that for next time. Coupling these works with warm reassurance in your tone will help them feel better. Praise effort not smarts.
OK, I'm out of typing juice. I need to go make flashcards to pull out of my purse at any given moment as I raise these two tempestuous teenage girls currently residing in my household.
September 26, 2023
I have a special spot on my extensive bookshelves where parenting guides go to die.
Truly, I own an exceptional amount of books on the topic of parenting, but since I've been parenting young children for TWENTY-SEVEN years now (I wish I were kidding, but I'm not), I generally don't spend my time READING about parenting. I spend my time when I'm NOT parenting reading FICTION, so that I may pretend that some of my realities don't involve my little darlings.
Anyway. . . please feel free to picture my current TSUNAMI of a 15-year-old (sorry, honey, but it's true) talking to me in a bookstore like that horrible possessed child in “The Exorcist,” and me, in that same bookstore, reaching out my arm, as though grabbing at a life raft, from the icy depths of the Arctic Circle, to grab this parenting guide off of the shelf.
The title told me everything I needed to know. I didn't know if the psychologist who wrote this book meant untangled: how to pull your hands away, slowly, from your daughter's neck
or untangled: how to pull your daughter's hands away, slowly, from your neck
or untangled: how to unravel your daughter like a knotted up string of Christmas lights, but I knew that I needed it, regardless.
I started reading it, then I called other parents to read excerpts from the book to them, then I called childless adults who hate children to read excerpts from the book to them, and then my daughter came home to see me reading it on the couch and said, “My friend's mom says she's read that book six times.”
I knew, immediately, that this particular friend's mother and I will get along very well when we finally meet.
Teen-aged girls have always been rather challenging to raise properly, but now with devices in their hands, 24/7 exposure to social media, and a pandemic that won't go away, parenting adolescent girls is like cuddling up with a plugged-in leaf blower every night to get restful sleep and hitting the switch to “on.”
You know it's bad when a therapist asks you what your parenting goals are and you answer, “keeping us both alive and out of jail.”
Seriously, get this book.
Raising a young woman will be one of the most vexing, delightful, exhausting, and fulfilling things you will ever do. Sometimes all on the same day.
Truly, I own an exceptional amount of books on the topic of parenting, but since I've been parenting young children for TWENTY-SEVEN years now (I wish I were kidding, but I'm not), I generally don't spend my time READING about parenting. I spend my time when I'm NOT parenting reading FICTION, so that I may pretend that some of my realities don't involve my little darlings.
Anyway. . . please feel free to picture my current TSUNAMI of a 15-year-old (sorry, honey, but it's true) talking to me in a bookstore like that horrible possessed child in “The Exorcist,” and me, in that same bookstore, reaching out my arm, as though grabbing at a life raft, from the icy depths of the Arctic Circle, to grab this parenting guide off of the shelf.
The title told me everything I needed to know. I didn't know if the psychologist who wrote this book meant untangled: how to pull your hands away, slowly, from your daughter's neck
or untangled: how to pull your daughter's hands away, slowly, from your neck
or untangled: how to unravel your daughter like a knotted up string of Christmas lights, but I knew that I needed it, regardless.
I started reading it, then I called other parents to read excerpts from the book to them, then I called childless adults who hate children to read excerpts from the book to them, and then my daughter came home to see me reading it on the couch and said, “My friend's mom says she's read that book six times.”
I knew, immediately, that this particular friend's mother and I will get along very well when we finally meet.
Teen-aged girls have always been rather challenging to raise properly, but now with devices in their hands, 24/7 exposure to social media, and a pandemic that won't go away, parenting adolescent girls is like cuddling up with a plugged-in leaf blower every night to get restful sleep and hitting the switch to “on.”
You know it's bad when a therapist asks you what your parenting goals are and you answer, “keeping us both alive and out of jail.”
Seriously, get this book.
Raising a young woman will be one of the most vexing, delightful, exhausting, and fulfilling things you will ever do. Sometimes all on the same day.
Want to read
May 2, 2021hELP WHY DID MY MOM BORROW THIS FROM THE LIBRARY
also, this line in the synopsis:
hmmmm if you're not sure you should tell her then maybe you shouldn't DO IT???
lowkey concerned since I think I might have seen my dad on Goodreads on the computer and I probably forgot to sign out
you know it might actually be a good idea
if you
I don't know
didn't invade your child's privacy
isn't that a crazy thought?
Coming from a teenage girl to any mothers who see this: NEVER. DO. THIS.
I'm not hiding anything from my parents on my devices. Sure, maybe I've texted some things I wouldn't say out loud, or maybe I have stuff on my laptop that I don't want to talk to them about, but if it's my business then it's MY business and I'll fucking tell them if they need to know.
I don't give a fuck if it's because you think it's "for their own good". That's not an excuse, that's you trying to manipulate every aspect of their life to shape it into something that you've designed. And guess what - that's not a good thing.
If you want your child to talk to you about something, they need to trust you enough to do so. Three guesses what might make them NOT trust you.
Just an aggressive PSA.
also, this line in the synopsis:
Do I tell my teen daughter that I’m checking her phone?
hmmmm if you're not sure you should tell her then maybe you shouldn't DO IT???
you know it might actually be a good idea
if you
I don't know
didn't invade your child's privacy
isn't that a crazy thought?
Coming from a teenage girl to any mothers who see this: NEVER. DO. THIS.
I'm not hiding anything from my parents on my devices. Sure, maybe I've texted some things I wouldn't say out loud, or maybe I have stuff on my laptop that I don't want to talk to them about, but if it's my business then it's MY business and I'll fucking tell them if they need to know.
I don't give a fuck if it's because you think it's "for their own good". That's not an excuse, that's you trying to manipulate every aspect of their life to shape it into something that you've designed. And guess what - that's not a good thing.
If you want your child to talk to you about something, they need to trust you enough to do so. Three guesses what might make them NOT trust you.
Just an aggressive PSA.
May 5, 2017
My first reaction after reading this book was, "OMG MY KIDS ARE GETTING OLD ENOUGH FOR ME TO READ THIS BOOK" followed by 30 minutes of weeping.
But seriously, if the thought of teenagerhood daunts you, or if you, like us, have a girl who isn't a teen yet but has started acting in ways where the old methods have stopped working, this is really a terrific book. It's clear-eyed, calm, real. It doesn't sugarcoat the pressures and conflicts that come with raising a teen, but it also gives parents realistic ways to handle them.
So is this book worth reading if you're about to plunge into the world of raising adolescents? How would I know? Ask me in 10 years! But from my perspective, as someone who is only just now beginning to think about that stage, this book provided a lot of practical and useful advice, as well as a sobering and, yes, sometimes scary reality check. I've never been particularly pessimistic about the notion of being a parent to teenagers, but nevertheless I found Lisa Damour's book helpful in easing my mind and giving me confidence that my wife and I can actually do this when the time comes.
But seriously, if the thought of teenagerhood daunts you, or if you, like us, have a girl who isn't a teen yet but has started acting in ways where the old methods have stopped working, this is really a terrific book. It's clear-eyed, calm, real. It doesn't sugarcoat the pressures and conflicts that come with raising a teen, but it also gives parents realistic ways to handle them.
So is this book worth reading if you're about to plunge into the world of raising adolescents? How would I know? Ask me in 10 years! But from my perspective, as someone who is only just now beginning to think about that stage, this book provided a lot of practical and useful advice, as well as a sobering and, yes, sometimes scary reality check. I've never been particularly pessimistic about the notion of being a parent to teenagers, but nevertheless I found Lisa Damour's book helpful in easing my mind and giving me confidence that my wife and I can actually do this when the time comes.
December 20, 2017
I am currently parenting a teen and have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. Thank goodness there are books out there like this one to help me muddle through. Great real world examples, thorough explanations, loads of empathy.
March 7, 2020
God help me, my oldest is about to be a teen.
Parenting today is rough. To be clear, I've only been a parent for 13 years and I'm not saying that parenting before the 2000s was easy. I'm certain every generation comes with its unique challenges, but lucky us, we have the internet to contend with and it is not pretty. Anxiety and depression are at an all-time high for teens as they have access (either directly or through their peers) to a world of horrific reality, worrying about terrorism, school shootings, plastic pollution, pesticides, and being abducted. They also have access to endless mindnumbing videos, pornography, a barrage of photoshopped images of perfect bodies, "friends" they have never met, and the constant notifications from group texts with hundreds of people. They contend at an early age with internet addiction and a constant need for online connection to their peers, while studies show they are lonelier than ever, spending less time face to face and not reaping the benefits of real relationships. Sigh. Tossing this into the mix of just the regular struggles of being an adolescent in a changing body receiving strong messages from the media about sexuality, trying to fit in, trying and resisting growing up, etc, etc...adds up to some significant stress for growing kids. Now imagine that my child lives in this world and doesn't have a phone yet. You can imagine the horror (her) and relief (me). All of the above is the biggest reason I grabbed this audio. I bought a hardcopy months ago but gave it to a friend who was more "in it" than I am at this point.
So this book. This book does a great job of shining a light on just how resourceful and bright teens can be. The focus here is learning to communicate with your teen in a way that will help them hear you, rather than block you out. The communication style relies heavily on compromise and education. There is a good amount of useful information to help parents understand the whys of their daughter's behavior and to help guide parents through these transitions.
The biggest takeaway for me is that I need to calm down. I think I lecture too much about too many things (almost all are internet-related). I am definitely a "back in my day" parent. I remain awestruck by the sharp differences in parenting and in what we did and got away with as tweens compared to today. Kids today have far less freedom but far more autonomy. It's an interesting paradox.
This book helps make sense of it all. I will be purchasing it and revisiting it as needed.
Oh, and also, I'll be calming down...maybe...a little.
Cue the Taylor Swift!
4.5 stars
Parenting today is rough. To be clear, I've only been a parent for 13 years and I'm not saying that parenting before the 2000s was easy. I'm certain every generation comes with its unique challenges, but lucky us, we have the internet to contend with and it is not pretty. Anxiety and depression are at an all-time high for teens as they have access (either directly or through their peers) to a world of horrific reality, worrying about terrorism, school shootings, plastic pollution, pesticides, and being abducted. They also have access to endless mindnumbing videos, pornography, a barrage of photoshopped images of perfect bodies, "friends" they have never met, and the constant notifications from group texts with hundreds of people. They contend at an early age with internet addiction and a constant need for online connection to their peers, while studies show they are lonelier than ever, spending less time face to face and not reaping the benefits of real relationships. Sigh. Tossing this into the mix of just the regular struggles of being an adolescent in a changing body receiving strong messages from the media about sexuality, trying to fit in, trying and resisting growing up, etc, etc...adds up to some significant stress for growing kids. Now imagine that my child lives in this world and doesn't have a phone yet. You can imagine the horror (her) and relief (me). All of the above is the biggest reason I grabbed this audio. I bought a hardcopy months ago but gave it to a friend who was more "in it" than I am at this point.
So this book. This book does a great job of shining a light on just how resourceful and bright teens can be. The focus here is learning to communicate with your teen in a way that will help them hear you, rather than block you out. The communication style relies heavily on compromise and education. There is a good amount of useful information to help parents understand the whys of their daughter's behavior and to help guide parents through these transitions.
The biggest takeaway for me is that I need to calm down. I think I lecture too much about too many things (almost all are internet-related). I am definitely a "back in my day" parent. I remain awestruck by the sharp differences in parenting and in what we did and got away with as tweens compared to today. Kids today have far less freedom but far more autonomy. It's an interesting paradox.
This book helps make sense of it all. I will be purchasing it and revisiting it as needed.
Oh, and also, I'll be calming down...maybe...a little.
Cue the Taylor Swift!
4.5 stars
January 6, 2016
In Untangled, Lisa Damour discusses seven transition phases that girls experience as they progress from childhood to adulthood. The phases are relatively self-explanatory. They are 1) parting with childhood, 2) joining a new tribe, 3) harnessing emotions, 4) contending with adult authority, 5) planning for the future, 6) entering the romantic world, and 7) caring for herself. These phases aren't necessarily experienced at specific ages in one specific order, but Damour's outline of them does offer a general guide for how most girls mature.
Damour helpfully illustrates and clarifies her points with engaging and realistic anecdotes, many taken from her years of experience working as a psychiatrist and director at Laurel School's Center for Research on Girls. The stories are interesting and easy to relate to, which I appreciated.
I think the most powerful aspect of Untangled, though, is Damour's ability to talk about this potentially tense subject in a straightforward and honest way while also remaining patient with and kind to both young girls AND their parents. She's fair. And forgiving. She doesn't take sides, and her attitude stays flexible. "When it comes to parenting," she says, "there are many, many ways to get it right." Even when she is encouraging parents to have, discuss, and enforce boundaries with their daughters, she also asks them to be understanding and open. In other words, her approach is collaborative--and it made sense to me.
Ultimately, Untangled ended up being an informative read. I learned a lot--and I calmed down a lot, too, honestly. Damour is so very soothing and so completely confident that we are all capable of figuring out this madness and working through it. I couldn't help but feel consoled, uplifted, and strengthened by the book's message.
Damour helpfully illustrates and clarifies her points with engaging and realistic anecdotes, many taken from her years of experience working as a psychiatrist and director at Laurel School's Center for Research on Girls. The stories are interesting and easy to relate to, which I appreciated.
I think the most powerful aspect of Untangled, though, is Damour's ability to talk about this potentially tense subject in a straightforward and honest way while also remaining patient with and kind to both young girls AND their parents. She's fair. And forgiving. She doesn't take sides, and her attitude stays flexible. "When it comes to parenting," she says, "there are many, many ways to get it right." Even when she is encouraging parents to have, discuss, and enforce boundaries with their daughters, she also asks them to be understanding and open. In other words, her approach is collaborative--and it made sense to me.
Ultimately, Untangled ended up being an informative read. I learned a lot--and I calmed down a lot, too, honestly. Damour is so very soothing and so completely confident that we are all capable of figuring out this madness and working through it. I couldn't help but feel consoled, uplifted, and strengthened by the book's message.
May 4, 2018
This book was given to me by my wife to read as our girls transition into the teenage years. First let me start out with the positives. It is refreshing to read an author who actually engages in scholarly reading on a topic. And, likewise, it's nice to read an author who clearly has spent time with teenagers. And this experience and scholarship shows in a number of key areas: the prominence and prevalence of internet/media in the lives of our girls shapes them in ways previous generations never had to deal with. She does an excellent job of walking through the consequences of underestimating the reach and pull of the internet in the lives of our girls. Then she gives some very practical strategies for dealing with this. So also, when it comes to the use or rather, the abuse of drugs, she shows the candor of one (who like me) has seen people's lives destroyed by substance abuse. She mentions two key facts that the 'legalize marijuana' groups don't like to mention: First, the THC in marijuana products is more than 5 times more potent than in the Baby-boomer years of old. Second, she repeated the fact that anyone who has dealt with substance abuse in teens knows well: the age at which the teen abuses substances, in intellect and maturity, that's the age at which the teen stays. I give the preceding as a sampling of examples of why it is good to read this book—both to see the issues our girls face and to be given strategies to address them.
On the negative side, the final chapters about sexuality are sadly lacking in scope and wisdom. After laying the thorough foundation in the beginning chapters that a teenage girl's brain isn't fully developed until her early twenties, she then, when it comes to sexuality gives the advice that we should just ask what the girl wants (p. 206). It's hard to get more inconsistent than that. Further on she mentions that there are some young women who study first and then experiment. But there are others who experiment (sexually) and then study the results after. And she concludes that both are viable approaches (p. 216). As one who counsels women as part of my every day work, I can say that the approach of experimenting first and studying later on yields tragic results that young women then have to shoulder and deal with the rest of their lives. What she outlines here is not good advice. There is more I could add here. But it will be enough to say, that in the area of human sexuality, Damour's advice is not as much substance as it is well-wishing.
On the negative side, the final chapters about sexuality are sadly lacking in scope and wisdom. After laying the thorough foundation in the beginning chapters that a teenage girl's brain isn't fully developed until her early twenties, she then, when it comes to sexuality gives the advice that we should just ask what the girl wants (p. 206). It's hard to get more inconsistent than that. Further on she mentions that there are some young women who study first and then experiment. But there are others who experiment (sexually) and then study the results after. And she concludes that both are viable approaches (p. 216). As one who counsels women as part of my every day work, I can say that the approach of experimenting first and studying later on yields tragic results that young women then have to shoulder and deal with the rest of their lives. What she outlines here is not good advice. There is more I could add here. But it will be enough to say, that in the area of human sexuality, Damour's advice is not as much substance as it is well-wishing.
March 1, 2016
I haven't done any updates for this book because for my purposes, it wasn't one in which I had time to read from front to back. I needed and will continue to need to refer to the sections which for the needs of my girls and how I can help them as well as the three of us together. Fantastic book and one I'll refer to often even if it may be too late. I pray to God it's not and I cannot thank @Goodreads @RandomHouse #BallantineBooks and the author Lisa Damour for this gift. A genre/self help book I've been in need of for far too many years. So many choices out there and after trying to do it on my own, not knowing which books to randomly pick from Amazon, I was so incredibly blessed to have won this. The moment I saw I had, my hand flew up to cup my mouth and I gasped and then I cried and I cried and cried a lot more in thanks to have been given this opportunity. I love love love all book genres, however I'm in crisis mode and this was very much needed. It had to have been meant to be. Seriously, I kept saying thank you out thank while I was crying, as if anyone part of this book and giveaway could me. Grateful is an understatement.
This book is written in a novel format. No side bars or boxes, no checklists, that I saw in the topics I went to, but the author weaves general topic discussion with scenarios/stories she's heard and finally practical reasons and solutions are given. I obviously have to wait and see if these solutions make the change that's needed and I have a feeling they will. They're solutions, but anyone's solutions can be expanded on as we know our situations best, but this is a fantastic start and help. So to all the parents out there going through all the ups and downs, ripping your hair out, screaming inside like you're ready to explode and cried more tears than you'd think one could possibly have inside them than I high;y recommend this book!!!
Being a parent is 'the' most incredible blessing anyone can experience. It's also the most painful at times. It always amazes me how the love for a child, no matter their age, can be both absolutely everything beautiful and at the same time be equally heartbreaking. The teen years didn't come with a manual and my kids are extraordinary, however we all have our moments and getting through these years intact and/or fixing what's been so shattered is all that matters. There is nothing more important than our kids. Nothing more precious so if you're in a situation or not.....grab this book. What headed our way.....we never saw it coming. Be prepared....
Please refer to the table of contents I shared for others having the same battle looking for the right book, the best book for you and your kids. I wish I had had somebody point me in one direction years ago, but I wasn't so I hope it helps you. It is a stepping stone worth the read and putting into practice what the author is sharing. Do it for your kids because even though they can say the cruelest things, things that would make any parent "End it all" <-----not literally, inside they're just kids trying to find their way, hurting deeply inside and many times, even if you're bond is very strong, there are many things they will not share so pay attention and make sure they know they're loved unconditionally. Give your babies (not so little anymore) what they desperately need.....guidance, acceptance, and love. Unconditional Love.....
This book is a wonderful tool to work with in seeing and helping through so much subject matter. Now go grab this book and go show your kids how much they're loved. Even tough love in needed, but not too tough. Compassion, listening and just being there without the anger flying in both directions is what they need. Best to all.
~*For The Love Of Our Children*~ give them your time
I haven't finished reading this, however I've been flipping through it back and forth so I'm not ready to mark it as read or rate it yet, soon just not quite yet ready for a fair rating, but this is exactly the kind of book I've been asking around for, for nearly five years. What I pray for is that it's not too late.
I searched exhaustingly and asked everyone always with no replies, then I was so lucky to have won this from the Goodreads program. There so many books out there on this subject and most can't afford to play guessing games on which to choose. I hope with all my heart that it's not too late to fix things, undue the damage from circumstances and teen years and that is exactly why I'm about to share what I'm sharing below. I'm sharing this now because I don't want 'any' parent to search for five years while things are falling apart out of control and face the "too late possibilities".
Below is the table of contents from the ARC so it is subject to change, but if this post helps even one person find a book which may be exactly what they've been searching for, in order to help save and mend a family.....that's all that matters. Just a quick glance to see if the topics suit you without going on a forever search for the right book. As soon as I received it and read the tablets contents, I was so elated and found hope in what I was about to embark in healing, prevention and intervention.
I can't give page numbers as they're not listed in the ARC, but I hope this helps: (again please remember this is from an ARC so some things will be different)
Product Details
Hardcover: 352 pages
Publisher: Ballantine Books (February 9, 2016)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0553393057
ISBN-13: 978-0553393057
Product Dimensions: 5.8 x 1.1 x 8.5 inches
One: Parting with Childhood
The cold Shoulder
Allergic to Questions
Surprisingly Mean
The Swimming Pool
Totally Competent , Except for When She's Not
Blooming, Reluctantly
Smoke Without Fire
Parting with Childhoods: When to Worry
*The Female Peter Pan
*Rushing Into Adulthood
Two: Joining a New Tribe
The Pull of Popular
Tribal Warfare
Frenemies
If Your Tribe Jumped Off a Bridge.....
When Tribes Need Elders
Social (Media) Skills
Join a New Tribe: When to Worry
*Social Isolation
*Being Bullied
*Being A Bully
Three: Harnessing Emotions
You: The Emotional Dumping Ground
I'm Upset, Now You're Upset
Befriending Distress
Catalytic Reactions
Coping By Posting
How To Become an Accidental Helicopter Parent
Harnessing Emotions: When to Worry
*Recognizing Adolescent Mood and Anxiety Disorders
*Self-Destructive Coping
Four: Contending with Adult Authority
Seeing Behind the Curtain
The End of "Because I Said So"
Framing Danger
Rupture and Repair
Crazy Spots
Adults with Faults
Holding The Line
Contending with Adult Authority: When to Worry
*Too Good to Be True
*Constantly Contending
*Adults Contending with Each Other
Five: Planning for the Future
Impulses, Meet the Internet
The Road to the Future: Who Drives?
Making the Grade
Tense About Tests
Planning for Next Week
Dealing with Disappointment
Planning for the Future: When to Worry
*All Plan and No Play
*No Plan in Sight
Six: Entering the Romantic World
A Dream Deferred
A Match Made in A Marketing Meeting
Offering Some Perspective
The Inner Compass
Dating For Credit
Being Gay: The Slur and the Reality
Entering the Romantic World: When to Worry
*The Tributaries and the Lake
*April-June Romances
Seven: Caring For Herself
Nodding Without Listening
Girls, Food, and Weight
Sleep vs. Technology
Getting Real About Drinking
Straight Talk About Drugs
Sex and It's Risks
Caring for Herself: When to Worry
*Eating Disorders
*Not Ready to Launch
Conclusion
Acknowledgements
Notes
Recommended Resources
Index
There is most definitely something and a lot in this book for everyone with kids of every age. Again, I've skimmed, but I thought it would be great to post the "contents" for everyone who may be looking for books like this and the specifics at a glance, as well as contemplating this book in particular. I really hope this helps. God knows I needed it years ago before the destruction of what is now, became.......
Best to all!!
Thank you to #Goodreads #RandomHouse #BallantineBooks and the author #LisaDamourPh.D. For this book, which I received through the Goodreads First Reads Program, for my honest thoughts. More to came as I read. My situation is one in which I'm not reading from front to back. I'm in need of picking out pertinent topics and zoning in on those right now.
Amazon order links (release date set for February 16, 2016):
Hardcover: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553...
Kindle/E-Textbook: http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-Guidi...
This book is written in a novel format. No side bars or boxes, no checklists, that I saw in the topics I went to, but the author weaves general topic discussion with scenarios/stories she's heard and finally practical reasons and solutions are given. I obviously have to wait and see if these solutions make the change that's needed and I have a feeling they will. They're solutions, but anyone's solutions can be expanded on as we know our situations best, but this is a fantastic start and help. So to all the parents out there going through all the ups and downs, ripping your hair out, screaming inside like you're ready to explode and cried more tears than you'd think one could possibly have inside them than I high;y recommend this book!!!
Being a parent is 'the' most incredible blessing anyone can experience. It's also the most painful at times. It always amazes me how the love for a child, no matter their age, can be both absolutely everything beautiful and at the same time be equally heartbreaking. The teen years didn't come with a manual and my kids are extraordinary, however we all have our moments and getting through these years intact and/or fixing what's been so shattered is all that matters. There is nothing more important than our kids. Nothing more precious so if you're in a situation or not.....grab this book. What headed our way.....we never saw it coming. Be prepared....
Please refer to the table of contents I shared for others having the same battle looking for the right book, the best book for you and your kids. I wish I had had somebody point me in one direction years ago, but I wasn't so I hope it helps you. It is a stepping stone worth the read and putting into practice what the author is sharing. Do it for your kids because even though they can say the cruelest things, things that would make any parent "End it all" <-----not literally, inside they're just kids trying to find their way, hurting deeply inside and many times, even if you're bond is very strong, there are many things they will not share so pay attention and make sure they know they're loved unconditionally. Give your babies (not so little anymore) what they desperately need.....guidance, acceptance, and love. Unconditional Love.....
This book is a wonderful tool to work with in seeing and helping through so much subject matter. Now go grab this book and go show your kids how much they're loved. Even tough love in needed, but not too tough. Compassion, listening and just being there without the anger flying in both directions is what they need. Best to all.
~*For The Love Of Our Children*~ give them your time
I haven't finished reading this, however I've been flipping through it back and forth so I'm not ready to mark it as read or rate it yet, soon just not quite yet ready for a fair rating, but this is exactly the kind of book I've been asking around for, for nearly five years. What I pray for is that it's not too late.
I searched exhaustingly and asked everyone always with no replies, then I was so lucky to have won this from the Goodreads program. There so many books out there on this subject and most can't afford to play guessing games on which to choose. I hope with all my heart that it's not too late to fix things, undue the damage from circumstances and teen years and that is exactly why I'm about to share what I'm sharing below. I'm sharing this now because I don't want 'any' parent to search for five years while things are falling apart out of control and face the "too late possibilities".
Below is the table of contents from the ARC so it is subject to change, but if this post helps even one person find a book which may be exactly what they've been searching for, in order to help save and mend a family.....that's all that matters. Just a quick glance to see if the topics suit you without going on a forever search for the right book. As soon as I received it and read the tablets contents, I was so elated and found hope in what I was about to embark in healing, prevention and intervention.
I can't give page numbers as they're not listed in the ARC, but I hope this helps: (again please remember this is from an ARC so some things will be different)
Product Details
Hardcover: 352 pages
Publisher: Ballantine Books (February 9, 2016)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0553393057
ISBN-13: 978-0553393057
Product Dimensions: 5.8 x 1.1 x 8.5 inches
One: Parting with Childhood
The cold Shoulder
Allergic to Questions
Surprisingly Mean
The Swimming Pool
Totally Competent , Except for When She's Not
Blooming, Reluctantly
Smoke Without Fire
Parting with Childhoods: When to Worry
*The Female Peter Pan
*Rushing Into Adulthood
Two: Joining a New Tribe
The Pull of Popular
Tribal Warfare
Frenemies
If Your Tribe Jumped Off a Bridge.....
When Tribes Need Elders
Social (Media) Skills
Join a New Tribe: When to Worry
*Social Isolation
*Being Bullied
*Being A Bully
Three: Harnessing Emotions
You: The Emotional Dumping Ground
I'm Upset, Now You're Upset
Befriending Distress
Catalytic Reactions
Coping By Posting
How To Become an Accidental Helicopter Parent
Harnessing Emotions: When to Worry
*Recognizing Adolescent Mood and Anxiety Disorders
*Self-Destructive Coping
Four: Contending with Adult Authority
Seeing Behind the Curtain
The End of "Because I Said So"
Framing Danger
Rupture and Repair
Crazy Spots
Adults with Faults
Holding The Line
Contending with Adult Authority: When to Worry
*Too Good to Be True
*Constantly Contending
*Adults Contending with Each Other
Five: Planning for the Future
Impulses, Meet the Internet
The Road to the Future: Who Drives?
Making the Grade
Tense About Tests
Planning for Next Week
Dealing with Disappointment
Planning for the Future: When to Worry
*All Plan and No Play
*No Plan in Sight
Six: Entering the Romantic World
A Dream Deferred
A Match Made in A Marketing Meeting
Offering Some Perspective
The Inner Compass
Dating For Credit
Being Gay: The Slur and the Reality
Entering the Romantic World: When to Worry
*The Tributaries and the Lake
*April-June Romances
Seven: Caring For Herself
Nodding Without Listening
Girls, Food, and Weight
Sleep vs. Technology
Getting Real About Drinking
Straight Talk About Drugs
Sex and It's Risks
Caring for Herself: When to Worry
*Eating Disorders
*Not Ready to Launch
Conclusion
Acknowledgements
Notes
Recommended Resources
Index
There is most definitely something and a lot in this book for everyone with kids of every age. Again, I've skimmed, but I thought it would be great to post the "contents" for everyone who may be looking for books like this and the specifics at a glance, as well as contemplating this book in particular. I really hope this helps. God knows I needed it years ago before the destruction of what is now, became.......
Best to all!!
Thank you to #Goodreads #RandomHouse #BallantineBooks and the author #LisaDamourPh.D. For this book, which I received through the Goodreads First Reads Program, for my honest thoughts. More to came as I read. My situation is one in which I'm not reading from front to back. I'm in need of picking out pertinent topics and zoning in on those right now.
Amazon order links (release date set for February 16, 2016):
Hardcover: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0553...
Kindle/E-Textbook: http://www.amazon.com/Untangled-Guidi...
September 8, 2020
First Read: Man, that was immensely helpful. I will be referring to this insightful well-written book for the next seven years. I am grateful for its existence.
Second Read: Just as helpful the second time through. Even if you have an easy teenager, this book can help you parent even better! I loaned my hardcover out an acquaintance and eventually told her to keep it for reference. Her daughter read it first, handed the book to her mom and said, "This is a good book. You should read it." That's right, praise directly from a teenage girl. I purchased a paperback and plan on reading it a third time, highlighting personal pertinent points. Excellent book!
Second Read: Just as helpful the second time through. Even if you have an easy teenager, this book can help you parent even better! I loaned my hardcover out an acquaintance and eventually told her to keep it for reference. Her daughter read it first, handed the book to her mom and said, "This is a good book. You should read it." That's right, praise directly from a teenage girl. I purchased a paperback and plan on reading it a third time, highlighting personal pertinent points. Excellent book!
May 9, 2018
My reading experience was very Meh. The information here is good, she deftly touches on quite a few topics that can be sensitive, and it is all in an easy to read, approachable style. It's just that I didn't really learn anything new to me.
I'm the mom of 15 yo and 12 yo daughters, so I'm definitely the target audience.
The last chapter ("Caring For Herself") was the most useful, so if you read this book and find yourself unimpressed, at least skip ahead and read the last chapter before you DNF.
I guess I learned a few things. (Teens' emotion extremes are not caused by hormones, but by brain development stages.) Mostly I learned that I'm doing fine, but there's a shit-ton of shit I SHOULD be worrying about and possibly seeking therapy!!!
This is a good quote, though:
Note: I learned everything I needed to learn about parenting in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. If you read that book, you'll see a lot of the same advice repeated here.
I'm the mom of 15 yo and 12 yo daughters, so I'm definitely the target audience.
The last chapter ("Caring For Herself") was the most useful, so if you read this book and find yourself unimpressed, at least skip ahead and read the last chapter before you DNF.
I guess I learned a few things. (Teens' emotion extremes are not caused by hormones, but by brain development stages.) Mostly I learned that I'm doing fine, but there's a shit-ton of shit I SHOULD be worrying about and possibly seeking therapy!!!
This is a good quote, though:
There are few truisms in psychology—humans are too complex to be reduced to one-liners—but here’s one: the best predictor of future behavior is always, always, past behavior. If you want to know what someone is going to do, look at what she has done.
Note: I learned everything I needed to learn about parenting in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. If you read that book, you'll see a lot of the same advice repeated here.
February 18, 2017
First, I must state that it is thanks to NetGalley that I received an ARC of this book in exchange for a fair and honest review. I read the book, than gave it to my close friend who has a very difficult relationship with her daughter. Also I thought the book might help me advise her through this rough patch. I was not disappointed and I thought the author did a excellent job. She shows the "why" of your teenager behavior and understanding how her mind works at this age. I think this is an important read to all mothers and fathers who are struggling at home and don't know how to handle their adolescent daughters. I highly recommend it.
January 14, 2023
Man dar kiek per anksti skaityti tokią knygą, bet labai džiaugiuosi, nes ateity žinosiu kur ieškoti informacijos, kai nežinosiu kaip elgtis. Puikiai apibūdinti visi mergaičių brendimo etapai ir neišsiplečiant apibūdintos situacijos.
Autorė knygos gale nepatingėjo surašyti kitus literatūrinius šaltinius, jei kartais tėveliai ieškotų išsamesnės informacijos tam tikra tema.
Labai ačiū leidyklai Sofoklis už išleistą tokią vertingą ir reikalingą knygą!
Autorė knygos gale nepatingėjo surašyti kitus literatūrinius šaltinius, jei kartais tėveliai ieškotų išsamesnės informacijos tam tikra tema.
Labai ačiū leidyklai Sofoklis už išleistą tokią vertingą ir reikalingą knygą!
November 2, 2017
Pray for me: I'm the father of a 12 year old daughter.
This book is a helpful, though not groundbreaking, book meant to guide parents through the undeniable difficulties of raising girls into strong women at the beginning of the 21st century. Damour's approach is generally progressive, feminist, and self-reflective, realizing that a lot of the ways we socialize girls and teach them to be polite are also the ways we instill stereotypes. All useful fodder for thought. She brings in some brain science, and mostly dismisses the notion that hormones play much of a role in girls's behaviors, but the neurology is light--which I think is good, since explanations on brain biology, in my opinion, usually far exceed the actual science.
She identifies seven strands of maturation--she is clearly building on the work of Anna Freud, Piaget, and Ericson, though her strands are not really crises that have to be negotiated as much as skills to be learned. The gist is that adolescence is much like toddlerhood, with girls (and boys) unevenly learning what they need for the next, more independent stage of their life. Again, these are helpful ways to think about the growing-through-adolescence of young women. The book's structure, however, vitiates some of its utility.
Each chapter, by an large, is devoted to one of the strands of maturation. Though subdivided, the chapters mostly lack landmarks and signs for the reader, and are very heavy on the examples and narration. Damour has an easy style, so it's not an arduous read by any stretch, but it is difficult to find the points she wants to make and see them all laid out. The end of each chapter is devoted to signs to watch for, but these are generally so vague--usually just extreme forms of the behaviors she is discussing--that they are not particularly helpful.
As she outlines it, the strands are:
Parting with childhood: girls are learning to become independent, though they are not adept, and use their parents as anchor points in their exploration--which often leads to conflict, as they yo-yo back and forth between competence and independence and need for support. (What to worry about: either not becoming independent, or doing so too quickly.)
Joining a new tribe: girls at are looking for friends to help them into adolescence, which means breaking with earlier friends and finding new ones. Damour is of the opinion that a girl with even one good friend is fine. She notes that these new friendships can be difficult--do girls try to be popular (she notes that popular girls are also often not liked: they are seen as powerful, but not friendly)? How closely do they stick together? The parents role is to allow this new exploration and remind the girl of their best selves, and that they should want a tribe that allows them to express it. Parents actually have very little power here, and the best they can do is to make sure that whatever friends the girl chooses, she continues to meet the expectations of the family (such as not blowing off grades for friends). Girls will have interpersonal drama, and it is not the job of the parent to step in and solve the problems. (When to worry: no friends, being bullied, bullying.)
Harnessing emotions: As their world expands and their empathy increases, girls experience a lot more emotions, usually very intense. She says that the reasons so many girls act dramatically is because that is how they are experience the world, and so telling girls to calm down or reign it in comes across as slighting their reality. But it is hard for parents, because girls hold everything together during hectic days then dump it on their parents because they know they can let down there--emotional outbursts are a sign of trust. Sometimes they even try to harness their parents's emotions, make their parents mad or upset so that they do not have to be. The role of the parent is to accept that their daughter is going through these intense times and try to teach them how to appropriately respond to the emotions. (When to worry: clinical anxiety, depression, or self-destructive behaviors.)
Contending with authority: As they enter adolescence, girls see that adults are far from perfect, and, indeed, are often hypocritical and sanctimonious. This makes girls very skeptical of adults. Damour advises parents to be willing to own some of their faults, and to start ceding some of their authority--or at least be willing to explain their positions, if not always willing to change their minds. Rather than making rules be about rules, she advises that parents explain why certain behaviors are dangerous, and offer that as an explanation for why the rule exists. (What to watch for: girls who never test authority, girls who do so always, and girls being used as pawns in arguments among adults.)
Planning for the future: Adolescents, in general, are bad about planning for the future. Rather, they tend to be impulsive--which is especially bad in the era of social media, where impulses are immediately broadcast. Family policies for social media are important. Parents are sometimes better about seeing future decisions, but, again in this strand, frequently lack power, and so the ideal would be to couple a girls's decision making powers with her responsibilities--the more responsible she is, the more power she has to make other choices. There is likely, on the other hand, to be lots of anxiety about smaller issues--tests for example--and certain to be disappointments, as well. Once more, the idea isn't to tell the girl to get over it--to deny the anxiety or minimize the disappointment--but to validate the feelings, without letting them overwhelm her. Easier said than done. (What to watch for: over-planners and girls with no plans at all.)
Romance: There's a Freudian aspect to this section: girls realize when they are young that romance is a special kind of relationship that they are not allowed to engage until they are older. Adolescence is when they get to finally explore. Damour emphasizes that despite many fears of adults, girls are generally slow to move into dating and not sure what being in a relationship even entails. She advises parents to remind them of their own inner compass. Damour is not judgmental about sex--she seems to approve of a high school senior who had no-strings-attached sex because it worked for the girl--but is aware that the double-standards in society can trap girls in stereotypes they might want to avoid. There is also a section on homosexuality. (What to worry about: dating older guys, girls whose only validation is through their looks or romantic relationships.)
Self care: It is hard to gauge whether girls are ready to take care of a lot of their needs because they hide behind veils of obedience: nodding without really listening, and so being unprepared. Once we account for that, we might get a better sense of where are daughters are along this continuum. Damour emphasizes that, once more, parents do not have a lot of power along this strand, and that the issues are particularly difficult. There is the issue of weight and eating in the context of the media; she advises parents try to start conversations based around images on TV or in magazines. She notes that modern technology interferes with sleep; she also notes that girls will likely experiment with drugs, drinking, and sex, and straight ultimatums are likely to cause more problems than they would solve. It has to be a constant negotiation. (When to worry: eating disorders, unwillingness to take care of one's self.)
There is a very short pro forma concluding chapter.
Damour is good with metaphors, and I only wish these could have been tied to a book structure that was more broken into "how-to" sections and less about extended examples. Useful nonetheless.
This book is a helpful, though not groundbreaking, book meant to guide parents through the undeniable difficulties of raising girls into strong women at the beginning of the 21st century. Damour's approach is generally progressive, feminist, and self-reflective, realizing that a lot of the ways we socialize girls and teach them to be polite are also the ways we instill stereotypes. All useful fodder for thought. She brings in some brain science, and mostly dismisses the notion that hormones play much of a role in girls's behaviors, but the neurology is light--which I think is good, since explanations on brain biology, in my opinion, usually far exceed the actual science.
She identifies seven strands of maturation--she is clearly building on the work of Anna Freud, Piaget, and Ericson, though her strands are not really crises that have to be negotiated as much as skills to be learned. The gist is that adolescence is much like toddlerhood, with girls (and boys) unevenly learning what they need for the next, more independent stage of their life. Again, these are helpful ways to think about the growing-through-adolescence of young women. The book's structure, however, vitiates some of its utility.
Each chapter, by an large, is devoted to one of the strands of maturation. Though subdivided, the chapters mostly lack landmarks and signs for the reader, and are very heavy on the examples and narration. Damour has an easy style, so it's not an arduous read by any stretch, but it is difficult to find the points she wants to make and see them all laid out. The end of each chapter is devoted to signs to watch for, but these are generally so vague--usually just extreme forms of the behaviors she is discussing--that they are not particularly helpful.
As she outlines it, the strands are:
Parting with childhood: girls are learning to become independent, though they are not adept, and use their parents as anchor points in their exploration--which often leads to conflict, as they yo-yo back and forth between competence and independence and need for support. (What to worry about: either not becoming independent, or doing so too quickly.)
Joining a new tribe: girls at are looking for friends to help them into adolescence, which means breaking with earlier friends and finding new ones. Damour is of the opinion that a girl with even one good friend is fine. She notes that these new friendships can be difficult--do girls try to be popular (she notes that popular girls are also often not liked: they are seen as powerful, but not friendly)? How closely do they stick together? The parents role is to allow this new exploration and remind the girl of their best selves, and that they should want a tribe that allows them to express it. Parents actually have very little power here, and the best they can do is to make sure that whatever friends the girl chooses, she continues to meet the expectations of the family (such as not blowing off grades for friends). Girls will have interpersonal drama, and it is not the job of the parent to step in and solve the problems. (When to worry: no friends, being bullied, bullying.)
Harnessing emotions: As their world expands and their empathy increases, girls experience a lot more emotions, usually very intense. She says that the reasons so many girls act dramatically is because that is how they are experience the world, and so telling girls to calm down or reign it in comes across as slighting their reality. But it is hard for parents, because girls hold everything together during hectic days then dump it on their parents because they know they can let down there--emotional outbursts are a sign of trust. Sometimes they even try to harness their parents's emotions, make their parents mad or upset so that they do not have to be. The role of the parent is to accept that their daughter is going through these intense times and try to teach them how to appropriately respond to the emotions. (When to worry: clinical anxiety, depression, or self-destructive behaviors.)
Contending with authority: As they enter adolescence, girls see that adults are far from perfect, and, indeed, are often hypocritical and sanctimonious. This makes girls very skeptical of adults. Damour advises parents to be willing to own some of their faults, and to start ceding some of their authority--or at least be willing to explain their positions, if not always willing to change their minds. Rather than making rules be about rules, she advises that parents explain why certain behaviors are dangerous, and offer that as an explanation for why the rule exists. (What to watch for: girls who never test authority, girls who do so always, and girls being used as pawns in arguments among adults.)
Planning for the future: Adolescents, in general, are bad about planning for the future. Rather, they tend to be impulsive--which is especially bad in the era of social media, where impulses are immediately broadcast. Family policies for social media are important. Parents are sometimes better about seeing future decisions, but, again in this strand, frequently lack power, and so the ideal would be to couple a girls's decision making powers with her responsibilities--the more responsible she is, the more power she has to make other choices. There is likely, on the other hand, to be lots of anxiety about smaller issues--tests for example--and certain to be disappointments, as well. Once more, the idea isn't to tell the girl to get over it--to deny the anxiety or minimize the disappointment--but to validate the feelings, without letting them overwhelm her. Easier said than done. (What to watch for: over-planners and girls with no plans at all.)
Romance: There's a Freudian aspect to this section: girls realize when they are young that romance is a special kind of relationship that they are not allowed to engage until they are older. Adolescence is when they get to finally explore. Damour emphasizes that despite many fears of adults, girls are generally slow to move into dating and not sure what being in a relationship even entails. She advises parents to remind them of their own inner compass. Damour is not judgmental about sex--she seems to approve of a high school senior who had no-strings-attached sex because it worked for the girl--but is aware that the double-standards in society can trap girls in stereotypes they might want to avoid. There is also a section on homosexuality. (What to worry about: dating older guys, girls whose only validation is through their looks or romantic relationships.)
Self care: It is hard to gauge whether girls are ready to take care of a lot of their needs because they hide behind veils of obedience: nodding without really listening, and so being unprepared. Once we account for that, we might get a better sense of where are daughters are along this continuum. Damour emphasizes that, once more, parents do not have a lot of power along this strand, and that the issues are particularly difficult. There is the issue of weight and eating in the context of the media; she advises parents try to start conversations based around images on TV or in magazines. She notes that modern technology interferes with sleep; she also notes that girls will likely experiment with drugs, drinking, and sex, and straight ultimatums are likely to cause more problems than they would solve. It has to be a constant negotiation. (When to worry: eating disorders, unwillingness to take care of one's self.)
There is a very short pro forma concluding chapter.
Damour is good with metaphors, and I only wish these could have been tied to a book structure that was more broken into "how-to" sections and less about extended examples. Useful nonetheless.
August 19, 2018
On the positive side, I found some helpful ways of framing some of the challenges of parenting an adolescent. However, these were really outweighed by two major problems I had with this book.
The first problem I had was that each of the sections of the book correlating to one of the seven transitions concludes with a segment that is actually titled "When to Worry." If there's one thing I don't need, it's a book to tell me I need to worry more. It's not good for parents or their teenage children to worry more than we already do! A better way of framing these sections, in my opinion, would be "When and how to intervene."
The second problem I had with this book is a little harder to nail down. I just found the overall tone was geared towards an overly narrow, stereotypical idea of teenage girls' behavior. At times I found it patronizing. For example, one of the seven transitions is "Joining a New Tribe." As the mother of a teenage girl who has never really fit into traditional gender expectations, but is nevertheless well liked and comfortable with herself, I found this whole concept of tribalism off-putting. Some teens have friends of both genders, and float from group to group without having a "tribe." For example, my daughter plays on several sports teams and still loves to shoot baskets or hockey pucks with the guys. She doesn't have a "tribe," but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. If a teen doesn't naturally fall into a tribalist mindset, but rather is on good terms with many different social groups and kinds of people, shouldn't we encourage that? Why should parents create the expectation that their teens must find their social niche and then participate in the stereotypical social exclusion and clique mentality that we often associate with teenage behavior?
The first problem I had was that each of the sections of the book correlating to one of the seven transitions concludes with a segment that is actually titled "When to Worry." If there's one thing I don't need, it's a book to tell me I need to worry more. It's not good for parents or their teenage children to worry more than we already do! A better way of framing these sections, in my opinion, would be "When and how to intervene."
The second problem I had with this book is a little harder to nail down. I just found the overall tone was geared towards an overly narrow, stereotypical idea of teenage girls' behavior. At times I found it patronizing. For example, one of the seven transitions is "Joining a New Tribe." As the mother of a teenage girl who has never really fit into traditional gender expectations, but is nevertheless well liked and comfortable with herself, I found this whole concept of tribalism off-putting. Some teens have friends of both genders, and float from group to group without having a "tribe." For example, my daughter plays on several sports teams and still loves to shoot baskets or hockey pucks with the guys. She doesn't have a "tribe," but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. If a teen doesn't naturally fall into a tribalist mindset, but rather is on good terms with many different social groups and kinds of people, shouldn't we encourage that? Why should parents create the expectation that their teens must find their social niche and then participate in the stereotypical social exclusion and clique mentality that we often associate with teenage behavior?
September 24, 2017
I appreciated the real-life examples of what girls go through and how parents can handle the situations. Glad I read it!
The only parts I wasn't sure about were about drinking, sex and drugs. I'm not comfortable with the idea of letting my underage daughter "take the lead" about having sex and getting drunk/high even if she seems like she could handle it and uses protection and moderation. Does that make me a bad mom?
This is addressed in one paragraph about how it's OK to not tolerate this kind of behavior based on your religion...But I also don't feel like you need to have religion as a reason to not tolerate underage drinking, sex, or drugs. I'm not sure this was the intended message.
The only parts I wasn't sure about were about drinking, sex and drugs. I'm not comfortable with the idea of letting my underage daughter "take the lead" about having sex and getting drunk/high even if she seems like she could handle it and uses protection and moderation. Does that make me a bad mom?
This is addressed in one paragraph about how it's OK to not tolerate this kind of behavior based on your religion...But I also don't feel like you need to have religion as a reason to not tolerate underage drinking, sex, or drugs. I'm not sure this was the intended message.
February 12, 2018
This is a really practical and wise approach to parenting teens. They have to unhook from the family and parents have to let them unhook without pushing them or taking it personally. She gives a lot of great stories and advice. Really parenting advice in general--don't make it about you. Be firm and impose consequences but don't get your ego into it. Another great book is conscious parenting, which has been my go-to mantra--let them be and don't control their growth.
July 2, 2023
By the time our third teenager is halfway thru high school I should have known all this by heart, right?but who would have thought three daughters who grew up in the same neighborhood and who went to the same schools could behave react so differently? Rereading parts of this to remind myself that it is a delicate phase and I have to be a better listener and be more understanding…so help me God.
April 6, 2023
Knygos autorė - paauglių psichologė, kuri visą knygą skyrė būtent mergaičių paauglių elgesio analizei. Knygoje pateikiamos septynios pakopos, kurias aptariant paaiškėja paauglių mergaičių bruožai ir elgesys. Aprašiusi juos, autorė pateikia patarimų, kaip bendrauti, kaip padėti spręsti iškilusias problemas su paauglėmis mergaitėmis.
April 9, 2016
I received an ARC of Untangled as a Goodreads giveaway.
This book is an invaluable and comprehensive resource for parents of preteen and teenage girls. Dr. Damour clearly defines the seven strands of adolescence and specifically tailors this book for raising girls. This is important because the rate of development is unique for girls and the issues that affect girls differ in many ways from those that affect their male counterparts. Dr. Damour offers deep insight into the teen female psyche. One interesting difference between boys and girls is the way they deal with failure. Girls tend to internalize failure and blame themselves whereas boys tend to blame the failure on an external factor.
Dr. Damour is clear and easy to understand with her use of psychological terminology. She draws upon many real-life experiences from her practice. After discussing each transition, she has a "when to worry" section to help alert parents to danger signs and abnormal behavior because it's normal for teenagers to be all over the map.
Only occasionally did the suggested dialogue sound a little unrealistic or too clinical, but I agreed with her straightforward approach and her tools for communicating with adolescents. I agreed mostly with her general advice with the exception of slight contention with the "Entering the Romantic World" chapter.
Having not yet gone through the experience of raising a teenage daughter, I feel much more prepared now to face that challenge. I learned with conflicted emotions about first stage of parting with childhood where the teen pulls away from the family to form a new tribe composed of friends. I found Dr. Damour' swimming analogy touching. A parent is like the safety wall of a pool. Children swim out into the water but sometimes need to hold on to a parent to catch their breath and then inevitably push off again. It is important for the parent to be that "soft place" and not take the rejection to heart.
Another chapter that I found completely fascinating was the one dealing with social media and the dangers for young girls. The author addresses the fact that girls post when they have the need to feel connected or are feeling marginalized and typically post hasty responses without having time to cool off. I think this is a chapter that would benefit even adults.
I would like to conclude my review with a simile that Dr. Damour used for girls. She likens them to a lake and stresses the importance of having many tributaries to keep them full and healthy.
This book is an invaluable and comprehensive resource for parents of preteen and teenage girls. Dr. Damour clearly defines the seven strands of adolescence and specifically tailors this book for raising girls. This is important because the rate of development is unique for girls and the issues that affect girls differ in many ways from those that affect their male counterparts. Dr. Damour offers deep insight into the teen female psyche. One interesting difference between boys and girls is the way they deal with failure. Girls tend to internalize failure and blame themselves whereas boys tend to blame the failure on an external factor.
Dr. Damour is clear and easy to understand with her use of psychological terminology. She draws upon many real-life experiences from her practice. After discussing each transition, she has a "when to worry" section to help alert parents to danger signs and abnormal behavior because it's normal for teenagers to be all over the map.
Only occasionally did the suggested dialogue sound a little unrealistic or too clinical, but I agreed with her straightforward approach and her tools for communicating with adolescents. I agreed mostly with her general advice with the exception of slight contention with the "Entering the Romantic World" chapter.
Having not yet gone through the experience of raising a teenage daughter, I feel much more prepared now to face that challenge. I learned with conflicted emotions about first stage of parting with childhood where the teen pulls away from the family to form a new tribe composed of friends. I found Dr. Damour' swimming analogy touching. A parent is like the safety wall of a pool. Children swim out into the water but sometimes need to hold on to a parent to catch their breath and then inevitably push off again. It is important for the parent to be that "soft place" and not take the rejection to heart.
Another chapter that I found completely fascinating was the one dealing with social media and the dangers for young girls. The author addresses the fact that girls post when they have the need to feel connected or are feeling marginalized and typically post hasty responses without having time to cool off. I think this is a chapter that would benefit even adults.
I would like to conclude my review with a simile that Dr. Damour used for girls. She likens them to a lake and stresses the importance of having many tributaries to keep them full and healthy.
February 15, 2017
This book provides a comprehensive overview of 7 states of development in adolescent girls. I found the information to be valuable, and in each chapter, the author discusses what's normal and then ends with a "When You Should Worry" section. Although filled with much practical advice, I felt that the author to some extent was inconsistent in regard to her parenting approaches. Moreover, I felt that there was so much nuance in how to handle these matters that it appeared as if only a professional like herself could work through the myriad issues that teenage girls face. These things made me feel less confident in my ability to parent in those areas than how I usually feel after reading other parenting books.
I am still a few years out before most of stuff kicks in at home so I'll continue to learn more about the subject. Even so, I would recommend this book as a good place to start for parents.
I am still a few years out before most of stuff kicks in at home so I'll continue to learn more about the subject. Even so, I would recommend this book as a good place to start for parents.
December 18, 2017
I might be one of the few, but I really, really didn’t like this book. I feel like the summary is: teens are hard, teen girls are especially hard, they’re gonna do what they wanna do, so just ride the wave, don’t let them be too rude to you, and eventually it will pass. I just felt so hopeless while reading this book. Nothing about parenting connection, how much parents matter, how to engage at home. Just really made me sad.
September 19, 2017
I got much more helpful parenting advice from the Love and Logic books. Also, if you want to read Untangled, I'd suggest the written version, and NOT the author-read CDs. Throughout the audio version, Lisa Damour repeatedly undermines herself and the strength of her message by laughing and smiling through statements that do not need to be softened.
April 15, 2019
The highest praise I can give is that I bought this book. I had started reading it and had so many book darts in it that I knew I had to buy it. I highlighted practically every page. One of the best parenting books I've ever read.
May 21, 2022
This book is honestly one of the most impactful I’ve read. It’s impacting my parenting in truly positive ways.
October 29, 2022
Very comprehensive. It took me a long time to get through it just because of the nature of the book. I’m glad I own it as it will serve as a good guide in the coming adolescent years.
March 26, 2018
I really enjoyed this book, which clearly explains what our girls need to do in their teens in order to become independent and competent adults. Many of these things will aggravate, and this is as expected.
As a parent to adolescent girls, I'm always trying to walk the fine line between giving them room to test their boundaries, and not putting up with inappropriate behavior. Untangled gives great guidance to this balancing act, including "When to worry" sections at the end of each chapter. (Sadly, one of the "when to worry" moments is if she's *not* testing me!)
It's also an easy and entertaining read. It was a fun coincidence that I was riding the BART home with my younger daughter and her friend after watching them squeal at a boy band in San Francisco, and I happened to be on the Romance chapter reading about how boy bands (and teen heartthrobs) are expertly marketed to fill the gap when girls are interested in romance but not ready to explore too much on their own.
As a parent to adolescent girls, I'm always trying to walk the fine line between giving them room to test their boundaries, and not putting up with inappropriate behavior. Untangled gives great guidance to this balancing act, including "When to worry" sections at the end of each chapter. (Sadly, one of the "when to worry" moments is if she's *not* testing me!)
It's also an easy and entertaining read. It was a fun coincidence that I was riding the BART home with my younger daughter and her friend after watching them squeal at a boy band in San Francisco, and I happened to be on the Romance chapter reading about how boy bands (and teen heartthrobs) are expertly marketed to fill the gap when girls are interested in romance but not ready to explore too much on their own.
January 18, 2016
I am reviewing an ARC from the publishers & Goodreads.
What I found most appealing about this book is the highly accessible and calm, conversational tone coupled with the ultra-realistic conflicts that growing teens need guidance navigating through. Furthermore, I applaud the author's pro-teenager stance where teens are not the enemy; teens are working their way towards adulthood and they need space to grow, the safety of enforced limits, and the grace and confidence that comes from self-awareness. Many parenting books take on a pat problem/perfect response format that undercuts the complexities and nuances of individual situations, and this book doesn't.
Damour shares longer stories (not scenarios, which can be too general) gathered from her experience to illustrate common conflicts. She shares all sides: the girl's, the parents', and hers. As a parent, I found much of what Damour offers in this book empowering. Some of my favorite highlights are as follows:
* This stormy adolescent time is not all hurricanes. There are some great moments in there, too.
* What I've thought of as my daughter's "group" of friends is actually a tribe--a more apt way to describe the complex web of friendships. Not everyone in the tribe is always nice or pleasant, but we often can't leave a tribe because of one person. Learning to deal with and protect oneself from difficult personalities is lifelong skill.
* Be there for your daughter with a calm head. Allow the emotions to sweep through as normalcy. Girls can fear they're going crazy, but it's just the brain growing.
* Parents who would rather flaunt/prove their authority than consider another side or negotiate will push their daughter's towards rebellion, provoking the "I'll show you" classic stubbornness. Sometimes, teens do make some very valid points.
* Feeling safe inside of boundaries: Sometimes, kids misbehave because they're scared and need reassurance that the adults will hold the line, keep things under control, and enforce the rules.
* In all the pressure (especially regarding crushes and moves towards sex) help girls know what they want and how to express what they don't want. (Yes! Yes! yes!) Girls can lose sight of what they want because they are so good at paying attention to what everyone else wants. Cultural pressures and the wish for belonging are strong. Help girls know what they want and how to express it (I said that twice because I believe this to be a vital message in this book).
* When you don't know what to say (& even if you think you do), say this: "Wow, that's a really complicated situation. I don't know what to say. What do you think?"
My largest complaint about this book is regarding the title: Promising "the seven transitions into adulthood" sells the book as "seven easy steps" or "seven phases," as if the seven areas that Damour runs through happen in ordered sequence. I see the "transitions" more as ongoing conversations that begin when girls are 11-12 and continue to/through early college. Mostly, I believe that the title undersells what this book has to offer.
What I found most appealing about this book is the highly accessible and calm, conversational tone coupled with the ultra-realistic conflicts that growing teens need guidance navigating through. Furthermore, I applaud the author's pro-teenager stance where teens are not the enemy; teens are working their way towards adulthood and they need space to grow, the safety of enforced limits, and the grace and confidence that comes from self-awareness. Many parenting books take on a pat problem/perfect response format that undercuts the complexities and nuances of individual situations, and this book doesn't.
Damour shares longer stories (not scenarios, which can be too general) gathered from her experience to illustrate common conflicts. She shares all sides: the girl's, the parents', and hers. As a parent, I found much of what Damour offers in this book empowering. Some of my favorite highlights are as follows:
* This stormy adolescent time is not all hurricanes. There are some great moments in there, too.
* What I've thought of as my daughter's "group" of friends is actually a tribe--a more apt way to describe the complex web of friendships. Not everyone in the tribe is always nice or pleasant, but we often can't leave a tribe because of one person. Learning to deal with and protect oneself from difficult personalities is lifelong skill.
* Be there for your daughter with a calm head. Allow the emotions to sweep through as normalcy. Girls can fear they're going crazy, but it's just the brain growing.
* Parents who would rather flaunt/prove their authority than consider another side or negotiate will push their daughter's towards rebellion, provoking the "I'll show you" classic stubbornness. Sometimes, teens do make some very valid points.
* Feeling safe inside of boundaries: Sometimes, kids misbehave because they're scared and need reassurance that the adults will hold the line, keep things under control, and enforce the rules.
* In all the pressure (especially regarding crushes and moves towards sex) help girls know what they want and how to express what they don't want. (Yes! Yes! yes!) Girls can lose sight of what they want because they are so good at paying attention to what everyone else wants. Cultural pressures and the wish for belonging are strong. Help girls know what they want and how to express it (I said that twice because I believe this to be a vital message in this book).
* When you don't know what to say (& even if you think you do), say this: "Wow, that's a really complicated situation. I don't know what to say. What do you think?"
My largest complaint about this book is regarding the title: Promising "the seven transitions into adulthood" sells the book as "seven easy steps" or "seven phases," as if the seven areas that Damour runs through happen in ordered sequence. I see the "transitions" more as ongoing conversations that begin when girls are 11-12 and continue to/through early college. Mostly, I believe that the title undersells what this book has to offer.
November 14, 2022
kui su elus on olemas või sinna lähiajal oodata teismelisi tüdrukuid, siis igati abiks lugemine. (suures osas peaks kattuma ka teismeliste poiste problemaatikaga, aga ma neist hetkel midagi ei tea ja ei pea ka teadma, nii et mu jaoks lihtsustas see asja, et nad olid välja jäetud.)
autor on psühholoog, kes on just sellele teemale - tüdrukute teismeiga - spetsialiseerunud ja töötab aktiivselt terapeudi ja nõustajana (meie mõistes äkki koolipsühholoog), nii et tal on pakkuda nii teooria kui ka illustreerivaid praktilisi lugusid. nii teooria kui raamatu enda struktuur on selline, et - nagu pealkirigi viitab - harutatakse lahti seitse teemat või haru, mille kaudu suurekssaamist vaadelda saab. need on, kui ma nüüd nii peast meenutan: lapsepõlvest lahtilaskmine, oma inimeste leidmine, emotsioonide haldamine, täiskasvanute vastu mässamine, tuleviku planeerimine, romantika ja enese eest hoolitsemine.
kui siit nüüd otsida vastuseid, et kuidas oma teismelisega mitte tülli minna, siis neid vist ei leia, sest selgub, et see tülliminek on juba iseenesest vajalik arenguetapp (vt: mässamine); et selles emotsiooniasjas kannatavad eelkõige just vanemad ja teised pereliikmed ja et see on ka vajalik; et lihtsaid vastuseid on üldse väga vähe, sest igal juhul ähvardavad su last internet, narkootikumid, suhtevägivald jne - ükski neist ei lähe ükskõik kui osava kasvatamisega lihtsalt ära. aga saab vast veidi selgust, mis on normaalne konfliktikoht ja kustmaalt tuleb muretseda, ja kindlust selle osas, et mõnikord ikkagi tuleb oma reeglid paika panna ja neile kindlaks jääda, kuigi selge on, et täita neid ilmselt ei kavatseta ja uksed hakkavad ka paukuma.
igatahes ma arvan, et mul küll läheb siit saadud teadmisi ja ideid vaja, ja mul pole isegi lapsi.
autor on psühholoog, kes on just sellele teemale - tüdrukute teismeiga - spetsialiseerunud ja töötab aktiivselt terapeudi ja nõustajana (meie mõistes äkki koolipsühholoog), nii et tal on pakkuda nii teooria kui ka illustreerivaid praktilisi lugusid. nii teooria kui raamatu enda struktuur on selline, et - nagu pealkirigi viitab - harutatakse lahti seitse teemat või haru, mille kaudu suurekssaamist vaadelda saab. need on, kui ma nüüd nii peast meenutan: lapsepõlvest lahtilaskmine, oma inimeste leidmine, emotsioonide haldamine, täiskasvanute vastu mässamine, tuleviku planeerimine, romantika ja enese eest hoolitsemine.
kui siit nüüd otsida vastuseid, et kuidas oma teismelisega mitte tülli minna, siis neid vist ei leia, sest selgub, et see tülliminek on juba iseenesest vajalik arenguetapp (vt: mässamine); et selles emotsiooniasjas kannatavad eelkõige just vanemad ja teised pereliikmed ja et see on ka vajalik; et lihtsaid vastuseid on üldse väga vähe, sest igal juhul ähvardavad su last internet, narkootikumid, suhtevägivald jne - ükski neist ei lähe ükskõik kui osava kasvatamisega lihtsalt ära. aga saab vast veidi selgust, mis on normaalne konfliktikoht ja kustmaalt tuleb muretseda, ja kindlust selle osas, et mõnikord ikkagi tuleb oma reeglid paika panna ja neile kindlaks jääda, kuigi selge on, et täita neid ilmselt ei kavatseta ja uksed hakkavad ka paukuma.
igatahes ma arvan, et mul küll läheb siit saadud teadmisi ja ideid vaja, ja mul pole isegi lapsi.
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March 1, 2020Re-read this which helped me not take regular teenage stuff personally.
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