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How to Be Miserable in Your Twenties: 40 Strategies to Fail at Adulting
Following in the footsteps of his snarky self-help hit, How to Be Miserable, psychologist Randy J. Paterson uses his trademark wit and irony to help you tackle the most common roadblocks that stand in the way of successful “adulting.”
Are you living in your parent’s basement? Can you measure your life by the hours you spend video streaming or gaming? Do you have absolutely no idea who you really are or what matters to you? Are you emotionally stunted and incapable of mature relationships? Great! Keep it up. If you just can’t get enough of being miserable, you’re on the right path.
In How to Be Miserable in Your Twenties, you won’t find platitudes or promises of love, happiness, and a fabulous life. What you will find are 40 strategies to help you cultivate a life of abject misery. On the other hand, if you want to take control of your destiny, find meaning and a sense of purpose, or just be a damn grownup, feel free to do the opposite of what this book says. You may yet join the ranks of happy people everywhere!
So, keep getting caught in the same self-defeating traps that have led you to an unfulfilling existence—or not! Either way, this book will help you take a good long look at yourself and your life, and come up with a solid action plan for your worst (or best) future.
Are you living in your parent’s basement? Can you measure your life by the hours you spend video streaming or gaming? Do you have absolutely no idea who you really are or what matters to you? Are you emotionally stunted and incapable of mature relationships? Great! Keep it up. If you just can’t get enough of being miserable, you’re on the right path.
In How to Be Miserable in Your Twenties, you won’t find platitudes or promises of love, happiness, and a fabulous life. What you will find are 40 strategies to help you cultivate a life of abject misery. On the other hand, if you want to take control of your destiny, find meaning and a sense of purpose, or just be a damn grownup, feel free to do the opposite of what this book says. You may yet join the ranks of happy people everywhere!
So, keep getting caught in the same self-defeating traps that have led you to an unfulfilling existence—or not! Either way, this book will help you take a good long look at yourself and your life, and come up with a solid action plan for your worst (or best) future.
280 pages, Paperback
Published March 1, 2020
About the author
Randy J. Paterson
9 books112 followersDr Randy Paterson (randypaterson.com) is a psychologist and author living in Vancouver Canada. He founded and operates Changeways Clinic, a multiple-provider psychotherapy practice focusing on cognitive behaviour therapy for stress, anxiety, and mood disorders. He is the author of five books (including The Assertiveness Workbook, now in its 2nd edition, a recipient of the ABCT Self-Help Seal of Merit, How to be Miserable: 40 Strategies You Already Use, How to be Miserable in Your 20s, Private Practice Made Simple, and Your Depression Map) and numerous therapy guides and clinician resources. He has taught over 300 workshops on psychological issues, offering programs across Canada, as well as in Australia, New Zealand, and Hong Kong. His video blog, PsychologySalon, appears at https://www.youtube.com/c/PsychologyS.... In addition to his interests in psychology and therapy, Dr Paterson owns and operates an orchard in the interior of British Columbia.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 36 reviews
March 22, 2020
While this overview of the noble goal of practicing misery contains lots of creative ideas, I'm pretty sure that there are plenty more.
Most of these would make me feel like a brat or maybe an idiot but not necessarily a truly miserable person.
Q:
If everyone you know is in the military, then the military can seem like the only logical career path.
If your only exposure is to the arctic, it’s hard to imagine life in the tropics.
If you were raised entirely in an urban environment, living in a small town might not even occur to you.
If everyone around you is Lutheran, other religious views will probably feel alien or obviously untrue. (c)
Q:
Then I asked how many of these things they were already doing, or were tempted to do when they awoke with depression as a companion. Stay in bed. Close the curtains. Call in sick. Scoop into the mocha chip for breakfast.
Perhaps their low mood wasn’t such a mystery. They were already living many elements of the life they’d adopt if they wanted the misery money. This was bewildering, because the prize was imaginary and they truly, truly, truly did not want to be depressed. Their curiosity was sparked. (c)
Q:
Part of the problem is that from birth we are raised to be children. That’s why they call it child-rearing. And what’s the mission of a child? Understanding the rules and following the lead of a nearby adult. Then, around the age of thirteen, someone abruptly says to us, “Don’t be so childish.” Well, why not? That’s what we were raised to be. Don’t sculpt a teapot in pottery class and then cast it aside because, oh look, it’s a teapot. That’s what you wanted!
They train us to be children, then change their minds and want us to be adults instead. (c)
Q:
The names are often insulting. In Italy they are bamboccioni—“big babies.” In Spain they are Generation Ni Ni, alluding to “no education, no employment.” In the United Kingdom they are either NEETs (Not in Education, Employment, or Training) or KIPPERS (Kids in Parents’ Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings). In the US the term is “failure to launch,” with that enormous word, failure, right up front. (c)
Q:
European statistics indicate that 66 percent of Italian young adults aged eighteen to thirty-four live with at least one parent (73 percent of males, 60 percent of females).
The figures are lower in the US (40 percent of males, 38 percent of females in 2016 and UK (42 percent of males, 31 percent of females), while the phenomenon is less common in Scandinavian countries such as Denmark (22 percent of males and 17 percent of females). (c)
Q:
Parents who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. (c)
Q:
Aristocracy is so tempting.
When it first appeared, Star Wars touched people’s hearts and minds. Penetrating beneath the despair of conflict, death, and war, the story posited a unifying, egalitarian principle underlying all life, from the most noble humans to the lowliest lichen. This principle, the Force, could be tapped into and employed for good or evil. And it was in everyone. (c)
Q:
While I don’t know your individual idols, I do know that each of them achieved success not by being tapped by some unshaven hermit in the Tatooine desert but by putting in years of dedicated practice. (c)
Q:
The passion chase, especially when divorced from pragmatics, can be as well-trod a path to misery as the rat race. For misery, ignore all considerations of reality. Search for fully formed, irresistible oak-tree passions. If, improbably, you manage to find something that looks like a passion, drop everything and pursue it without considering any alternatives. The best way to run off a cliff is blindfolded. (c)
Q:
Once a person has been diagnosed with a mental quirk or disorder, it can become a seemingly fixed part of their identity. The diagnosis gets strapped into the driver’s seat.
“Why aren’t you going to the party?” “Well, I’m on the autism spectrum.”
“Want to take a course on geography?” “No, my evaluation anxiety will make me fail.”
“Aren’t you hiking today?” “No, I have depression and it’s acting up.” (c)
Q:
For a miserable life, magnify your sensitivity. Become adept at noticing your dissatisfaction when things are not precisely the way you like them to be.
This lull in the party is a sign of how nothing in life is ever really rewarding or fun—and never will be.
Your undercooked entrée is a reminder that no one really cares about quality—certainly not at this restaurant, where they are clearly just in it to extract as much money from you as they can with the smallest possible effort.
The single “X” and “O” at the bottom of the anniversary card from your partner is an indicator of their fading love for you—probably because they have found someone new.
Michelangelo’s David, now that you see it up close, has a grotesquely big head; even supposed masterpieces are disappointments when you get right down to it. (c)
Q:
Cultivate not just your sensitivity, but also your vulnerability to distress when things are not quite right. Be a person whom others must tiptoe around in order to avoid giving offense. Mostly they won’t do this, so you will constantly be hurt. “They didn’t consider my feelings!” you can shout. Resiliency is for people too stupid to realize they are being insulted, or too numbed by their lives to know any better.
The alternative would be to cultivate strength. Not just physical strength, but the psychological strength to tolerate a wide variety of situations and outcomes. Your burger isn’t quite hot enough? You’ll live. Friends forget your birthday? Whatever. Flight canceled due to an ice storm? You can sleep at the airport. You still have preferences, and the right to speak up in the face of real injustice. But you won’t wither and die if things don’t go your way. (c)
Q:
Set Your Heart on the Stars
Living a goal-free life isn’t the only route to misery. If this book has taught you anything, it should be that there are multiple descents into life’s emotional valleys. So: to reach the gutter, aim for the stars.
Want to make films? Surpass Spielberg. Be an author? Outsell Rowling. Write music? Bypass Bach. Start a business? Leave Bezos, Bloomberg, and Buffet behind, choking on your dust. There’s a name for the humble member of town council, for the journeyman electrician, for the efficient waiter, for the uniformed traffic cop, for the doting parent with an evening bookkeeping practice, for the second in any field. Failure. (c)
Q:
Most high achievers, if they’re honest, acknowledge that much of what happened in their lives was unplannable luck: the market upswing, the unexpected niche, the influential mentor, the chance meeting on the street. Meryl Streep didn’t anticipate all her Oscars, Richard Branson didn’t start out aiming for space, Bob Dylan wasn’t targeting the Nobel. They paid attention to where they were, and to the next steps along the way. Their progress could never have been achieved without any notion of what they wanted in life. (c)
Q:
... the culture shouts its mantras at us. You can do anything you set your mind to. You can be anyone you want to be. The possibilities are endless. ...
Today, a vast array of options remains open, and this panoply of potential can seem like your primary source of wealth.
But there’s a hitch. The moment you make a decision, you narrow the range.
You cannot simultaneously study organic chemistry at Harvard and interpretive dance in Copenhagen.
Accepting that placement on Wall Street rules out the dive shop in Belize.
You can form a relationship with Joanne, but she doesn’t want to share you with Curtis.
Every decision advances one of your options, but inevitably relinquishes many more. There are hundreds of college programs, thousands of career options, millions of people you might be with. Life is a multidimensional chessboard, but only one piece can be moved at a time, and only to a single square. Heading to London puts Cincinnati out of reach. Playing jazz in New Orleans means sayonara to soil ecology in Idaho. Making choices eats away at your freedom.
So conserve your options. Remain at the crossroads as long as you can. Make no decisions. Tell yourself that you cannot lose the game if you don’t make a move.
The reason this is such a reliable avenue to misery is sitting right there beside the chessboard: the timer. It’s not just by choosing that you lose choices. They vanish on their own as time ticks by. (c)
Q:
Making decisions removes some options from the table, but places others within range. The fear of wasting time headed down a blind alley is a prime barrier to decision making, and a greased ramp to misery. Dwell on the chance that any choice you make will prove to be the wrong one. What if I discover that I don’t actually like ornithology, or welding, or spelunking? Could happen. Ruminating on the prospect is a great way to prevent yourself from taking action.
Ignore the fact that, having made a choice, you would have some experience, whereas remaining stationary provides none. Many of these apparent misfires can themselves prove strangely useful in a way that could never have been predicted.
A knowledge of birds could have helped with the environmental impact assessments for the renewable energy company you might have had.
Your welding certificate would have boosted your résumé with the Coast Guard.
Your cave explorations, had you made them, would impart confidence when tunneling through law school. (c)
Q:
Putting off decisions, of course, is itself a decision. Waiting for inspiration or clarity is a decision to pass time with nothing to show as a result. So set up camp at the crossroads and huddle there in your tent, clutching your options tightly to your chest.
It’s easy to win the game of misery. When it’s your turn, you don’t have to decide what to do. Just pass. And pass. And pass. (c)
Q:
It’s always easy to put off the risks, the gambles, the possibilities of failure until tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow. The happier among us weigh the odds, calculate the benefits and losses, and take leaps into the unknown.
It’s so much easier to stand shivering on the shore. (с)
Q:
Making an investment in time or effort in the present is like installing a glitter bomb in your future—it could go off at any time and propel you into a life for which you haven’t planned. This is something to avoid. ...
Another example: in my final undergraduate year I had the chance to work in the lab of cognitive scientist Anne Treisman, as a lowly lab technician doing research in an area I already suspected I didn’t want to pursue. Pretty dull work, much of it, and lower paying than some of my alternatives. I could have gone back to my summer job operating a packaging machine, shipping out marine hardware and blissfully drinking beer every Friday on the loading dock.
Fear of that future got the better of me. I spent much of my twenty-first year coloring index cards with felt pens, then flipping them in and out of a tachistoscope for bored research volunteers. Press the button if you see a green H.
Even though I missed the beer, the path to misery, I see now, would have been to remain on the loading dock. Turns out I liked both coloring and the lab’s many margarita parties. Plus, my eventual graduate supervisor accepted my application largely on the basis of my work with Treisman, and a year later she added me as a coauthor on a study that became a touchstone in the field of attention.
The research exposure solidified my interest in psychology and made me (slightly) less clueless with my own lab work later on. I published more papers than I would have otherwise, which increased my confidence in writing. That one decision to take the job in the lab influenced the rest of my life. I’d almost missed it, and I would have if I’d made my decision based on the job’s hourly rate. (c)
Q:
Give it a shot. Think of something in your life that you are quite pleased about: your math grades, your guitar chops, the friendship that’s going well, the great side table you bought last month, the weekend getaway you’ve booked next month, the music of Beethoven and Lady Gaga. Do this for two minutes and notice the feeling that develops.
Now think of your lousy grades in English, your utter inability to spike a volleyball, the friend who just moved to Tonga, the big-box store blighting your neighborhood. Concentrate on everything you lack—the butterfly collecting you no longer do with your friend, the dining table you can’t afford, the Europe trip that’s out of reach, the high school love affair that fizzled, the football career ended by a knee injury, the house swallowed by a sinkhole, the pet made impractical by allergies. Dwell on bereftness, and make these deficits your fault, your doing, the products of your inadequacy.
Two minutes. Notice the feeling.
You have the same life in both cases. The emotions you feel differ depending on where you place your attention. Your personal glass may not be empty, but it will never be entirely full either. There will always be a void on which you can focus. (c)
Q:
If you’re going to bang your head against a wall, make it a hard one. We don’t want rubber. We want stone. (c)
Q:
In Homer’s Odyssey, the goddess Athena appears in the guise of Mentor, an old family friend, to Odysseus’s son Telemachus. Mentor advises him to stop moping around, stand up to the guys hitting on his mother, and track down Dad, who has managed to get lost on his way home from Troy.
Twenty-eight hundred years pass, and suddenly mentorship is all the rage. Ignore this fashion, lest you be derailed from misery into fulfillment. (c)
Most of these would make me feel like a brat or maybe an idiot but not necessarily a truly miserable person.
Q:
If everyone you know is in the military, then the military can seem like the only logical career path.
If your only exposure is to the arctic, it’s hard to imagine life in the tropics.
If you were raised entirely in an urban environment, living in a small town might not even occur to you.
If everyone around you is Lutheran, other religious views will probably feel alien or obviously untrue. (c)
Q:
Then I asked how many of these things they were already doing, or were tempted to do when they awoke with depression as a companion. Stay in bed. Close the curtains. Call in sick. Scoop into the mocha chip for breakfast.
Perhaps their low mood wasn’t such a mystery. They were already living many elements of the life they’d adopt if they wanted the misery money. This was bewildering, because the prize was imaginary and they truly, truly, truly did not want to be depressed. Their curiosity was sparked. (c)
Q:
Part of the problem is that from birth we are raised to be children. That’s why they call it child-rearing. And what’s the mission of a child? Understanding the rules and following the lead of a nearby adult. Then, around the age of thirteen, someone abruptly says to us, “Don’t be so childish.” Well, why not? That’s what we were raised to be. Don’t sculpt a teapot in pottery class and then cast it aside because, oh look, it’s a teapot. That’s what you wanted!
They train us to be children, then change their minds and want us to be adults instead. (c)
Q:
The names are often insulting. In Italy they are bamboccioni—“big babies.” In Spain they are Generation Ni Ni, alluding to “no education, no employment.” In the United Kingdom they are either NEETs (Not in Education, Employment, or Training) or KIPPERS (Kids in Parents’ Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings). In the US the term is “failure to launch,” with that enormous word, failure, right up front. (c)
Q:
European statistics indicate that 66 percent of Italian young adults aged eighteen to thirty-four live with at least one parent (73 percent of males, 60 percent of females).
The figures are lower in the US (40 percent of males, 38 percent of females in 2016 and UK (42 percent of males, 31 percent of females), while the phenomenon is less common in Scandinavian countries such as Denmark (22 percent of males and 17 percent of females). (c)
Q:
Parents who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. (c)
Q:
Aristocracy is so tempting.
When it first appeared, Star Wars touched people’s hearts and minds. Penetrating beneath the despair of conflict, death, and war, the story posited a unifying, egalitarian principle underlying all life, from the most noble humans to the lowliest lichen. This principle, the Force, could be tapped into and employed for good or evil. And it was in everyone. (c)
Q:
While I don’t know your individual idols, I do know that each of them achieved success not by being tapped by some unshaven hermit in the Tatooine desert but by putting in years of dedicated practice. (c)
Q:
The passion chase, especially when divorced from pragmatics, can be as well-trod a path to misery as the rat race. For misery, ignore all considerations of reality. Search for fully formed, irresistible oak-tree passions. If, improbably, you manage to find something that looks like a passion, drop everything and pursue it without considering any alternatives. The best way to run off a cliff is blindfolded. (c)
Q:
Once a person has been diagnosed with a mental quirk or disorder, it can become a seemingly fixed part of their identity. The diagnosis gets strapped into the driver’s seat.
“Why aren’t you going to the party?” “Well, I’m on the autism spectrum.”
“Want to take a course on geography?” “No, my evaluation anxiety will make me fail.”
“Aren’t you hiking today?” “No, I have depression and it’s acting up.” (c)
Q:
For a miserable life, magnify your sensitivity. Become adept at noticing your dissatisfaction when things are not precisely the way you like them to be.
This lull in the party is a sign of how nothing in life is ever really rewarding or fun—and never will be.
Your undercooked entrée is a reminder that no one really cares about quality—certainly not at this restaurant, where they are clearly just in it to extract as much money from you as they can with the smallest possible effort.
The single “X” and “O” at the bottom of the anniversary card from your partner is an indicator of their fading love for you—probably because they have found someone new.
Michelangelo’s David, now that you see it up close, has a grotesquely big head; even supposed masterpieces are disappointments when you get right down to it. (c)
Q:
Cultivate not just your sensitivity, but also your vulnerability to distress when things are not quite right. Be a person whom others must tiptoe around in order to avoid giving offense. Mostly they won’t do this, so you will constantly be hurt. “They didn’t consider my feelings!” you can shout. Resiliency is for people too stupid to realize they are being insulted, or too numbed by their lives to know any better.
The alternative would be to cultivate strength. Not just physical strength, but the psychological strength to tolerate a wide variety of situations and outcomes. Your burger isn’t quite hot enough? You’ll live. Friends forget your birthday? Whatever. Flight canceled due to an ice storm? You can sleep at the airport. You still have preferences, and the right to speak up in the face of real injustice. But you won’t wither and die if things don’t go your way. (c)
Q:
Set Your Heart on the Stars
Living a goal-free life isn’t the only route to misery. If this book has taught you anything, it should be that there are multiple descents into life’s emotional valleys. So: to reach the gutter, aim for the stars.
Want to make films? Surpass Spielberg. Be an author? Outsell Rowling. Write music? Bypass Bach. Start a business? Leave Bezos, Bloomberg, and Buffet behind, choking on your dust. There’s a name for the humble member of town council, for the journeyman electrician, for the efficient waiter, for the uniformed traffic cop, for the doting parent with an evening bookkeeping practice, for the second in any field. Failure. (c)
Q:
Most high achievers, if they’re honest, acknowledge that much of what happened in their lives was unplannable luck: the market upswing, the unexpected niche, the influential mentor, the chance meeting on the street. Meryl Streep didn’t anticipate all her Oscars, Richard Branson didn’t start out aiming for space, Bob Dylan wasn’t targeting the Nobel. They paid attention to where they were, and to the next steps along the way. Their progress could never have been achieved without any notion of what they wanted in life. (c)
Q:
... the culture shouts its mantras at us. You can do anything you set your mind to. You can be anyone you want to be. The possibilities are endless. ...
Today, a vast array of options remains open, and this panoply of potential can seem like your primary source of wealth.
But there’s a hitch. The moment you make a decision, you narrow the range.
You cannot simultaneously study organic chemistry at Harvard and interpretive dance in Copenhagen.
Accepting that placement on Wall Street rules out the dive shop in Belize.
You can form a relationship with Joanne, but she doesn’t want to share you with Curtis.
Every decision advances one of your options, but inevitably relinquishes many more. There are hundreds of college programs, thousands of career options, millions of people you might be with. Life is a multidimensional chessboard, but only one piece can be moved at a time, and only to a single square. Heading to London puts Cincinnati out of reach. Playing jazz in New Orleans means sayonara to soil ecology in Idaho. Making choices eats away at your freedom.
So conserve your options. Remain at the crossroads as long as you can. Make no decisions. Tell yourself that you cannot lose the game if you don’t make a move.
The reason this is such a reliable avenue to misery is sitting right there beside the chessboard: the timer. It’s not just by choosing that you lose choices. They vanish on their own as time ticks by. (c)
Q:
Making decisions removes some options from the table, but places others within range. The fear of wasting time headed down a blind alley is a prime barrier to decision making, and a greased ramp to misery. Dwell on the chance that any choice you make will prove to be the wrong one. What if I discover that I don’t actually like ornithology, or welding, or spelunking? Could happen. Ruminating on the prospect is a great way to prevent yourself from taking action.
Ignore the fact that, having made a choice, you would have some experience, whereas remaining stationary provides none. Many of these apparent misfires can themselves prove strangely useful in a way that could never have been predicted.
A knowledge of birds could have helped with the environmental impact assessments for the renewable energy company you might have had.
Your welding certificate would have boosted your résumé with the Coast Guard.
Your cave explorations, had you made them, would impart confidence when tunneling through law school. (c)
Q:
Putting off decisions, of course, is itself a decision. Waiting for inspiration or clarity is a decision to pass time with nothing to show as a result. So set up camp at the crossroads and huddle there in your tent, clutching your options tightly to your chest.
It’s easy to win the game of misery. When it’s your turn, you don’t have to decide what to do. Just pass. And pass. And pass. (c)
Q:
It’s always easy to put off the risks, the gambles, the possibilities of failure until tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow. The happier among us weigh the odds, calculate the benefits and losses, and take leaps into the unknown.
It’s so much easier to stand shivering on the shore. (с)
Q:
Making an investment in time or effort in the present is like installing a glitter bomb in your future—it could go off at any time and propel you into a life for which you haven’t planned. This is something to avoid. ...
Another example: in my final undergraduate year I had the chance to work in the lab of cognitive scientist Anne Treisman, as a lowly lab technician doing research in an area I already suspected I didn’t want to pursue. Pretty dull work, much of it, and lower paying than some of my alternatives. I could have gone back to my summer job operating a packaging machine, shipping out marine hardware and blissfully drinking beer every Friday on the loading dock.
Fear of that future got the better of me. I spent much of my twenty-first year coloring index cards with felt pens, then flipping them in and out of a tachistoscope for bored research volunteers. Press the button if you see a green H.
Even though I missed the beer, the path to misery, I see now, would have been to remain on the loading dock. Turns out I liked both coloring and the lab’s many margarita parties. Plus, my eventual graduate supervisor accepted my application largely on the basis of my work with Treisman, and a year later she added me as a coauthor on a study that became a touchstone in the field of attention.
The research exposure solidified my interest in psychology and made me (slightly) less clueless with my own lab work later on. I published more papers than I would have otherwise, which increased my confidence in writing. That one decision to take the job in the lab influenced the rest of my life. I’d almost missed it, and I would have if I’d made my decision based on the job’s hourly rate. (c)
Q:
Give it a shot. Think of something in your life that you are quite pleased about: your math grades, your guitar chops, the friendship that’s going well, the great side table you bought last month, the weekend getaway you’ve booked next month, the music of Beethoven and Lady Gaga. Do this for two minutes and notice the feeling that develops.
Now think of your lousy grades in English, your utter inability to spike a volleyball, the friend who just moved to Tonga, the big-box store blighting your neighborhood. Concentrate on everything you lack—the butterfly collecting you no longer do with your friend, the dining table you can’t afford, the Europe trip that’s out of reach, the high school love affair that fizzled, the football career ended by a knee injury, the house swallowed by a sinkhole, the pet made impractical by allergies. Dwell on bereftness, and make these deficits your fault, your doing, the products of your inadequacy.
Two minutes. Notice the feeling.
You have the same life in both cases. The emotions you feel differ depending on where you place your attention. Your personal glass may not be empty, but it will never be entirely full either. There will always be a void on which you can focus. (c)
Q:
If you’re going to bang your head against a wall, make it a hard one. We don’t want rubber. We want stone. (c)
Q:
In Homer’s Odyssey, the goddess Athena appears in the guise of Mentor, an old family friend, to Odysseus’s son Telemachus. Mentor advises him to stop moping around, stand up to the guys hitting on his mother, and track down Dad, who has managed to get lost on his way home from Troy.
Twenty-eight hundred years pass, and suddenly mentorship is all the rage. Ignore this fashion, lest you be derailed from misery into fulfillment. (c)
Want to read
February 21, 2020Um, excuse me, I don't need anyone to tell me how to be miserable.
For I am an expert in the architecture of misery.
For I am an expert in the architecture of misery.
December 27, 2020
I won this book through a giveaway in exchange for an honest review.
Although this was witty, and made me giggle a few times, this really wasn’t my kind of book. It wasn’t a bad book by any means, just wasn’t my style.
Although this was witty, and made me giggle a few times, this really wasn’t my kind of book. It wasn’t a bad book by any means, just wasn’t my style.
August 27, 2020
Based on the premise that "downhill is easier than uphill," Paterson suggests thinking of how to make everything the very worst it could possibly be, and then do the opposite.
It's a lot of tongue in cheek humor, and assumes some privilege and nuance, but the general gist is: identify the factors you have control over, and focus your energy on those instead of the factors you can't control (like other people's opinions and attitudes). If there's a way to control those uncontrolled factors, find a way to obtain that control.
It's not for everyone. But what I like is that he acknowledges repeatedly that we treat kids like kids until they're 18, and then expect them to have everything figured out. We either make them terrified of trying because they'll just mess it up, or we don't even tell them there are tools that can give them a fighting chance.
It was a fun read. I took what was useful or applicable to me, turned the page on the rest, as we should do with any generalized self help books.
It's a lot of tongue in cheek humor, and assumes some privilege and nuance, but the general gist is: identify the factors you have control over, and focus your energy on those instead of the factors you can't control (like other people's opinions and attitudes). If there's a way to control those uncontrolled factors, find a way to obtain that control.
It's not for everyone. But what I like is that he acknowledges repeatedly that we treat kids like kids until they're 18, and then expect them to have everything figured out. We either make them terrified of trying because they'll just mess it up, or we don't even tell them there are tools that can give them a fighting chance.
It was a fun read. I took what was useful or applicable to me, turned the page on the rest, as we should do with any generalized self help books.
November 14, 2020
Review to come
January 18, 2022
As a therapist who has treated patients suffering from depression, Randy Peterson brings a fresh approach to the question of “How can we set ourselves up for success when we enter adulthood?”
The book is separated into four parts:
1. Transition from adolescence to adulthood: adultescence
2. The lies people grew up with and knowing the "truths" of adulthood.
3. Self-image and discovery
4. Moving forward
PROS:
Overall, Peterson is a rather straight-forward writer and he provides some interesting points that more people should take to heart. His advice is simple (in concept) and provides some thought-provoking ways to approach different issues.
Perhaps since he is writing about how to be miserable (in the attempt that people will do the opposite), he is great at being his own devil’s advocate, providing insight towards his own points.
I think he brings up great points about temptation and people’s need for short-term gratification rather than long-term goal setting, and showcasing (albeit extremely) the impact some of these decisions can have. He provides a lot of great axioms such as how “Passions are cultivated, not found”, the importance of not letting small things that strangers do impact you, such as microaggressions, the negative impact of unconditional positive regard, among others. He also sets up a few small thought experiments, which I found a little enjoyable.
CRITIQUES:
Personally, I found that his satirical writing style didn’t necessarily match the tone of the novel. He attempts to be comical and go to the extremes as an attempt to motivate people and shift one’s traditional thoughts, yet it also didn’t make it relatable.
He also makes quick references to aspects of pop culture, events, and stories without providing more detail, providing a fast analogy and comparison for understanding, but inevitably, the comparisons don’t always translate perfectly and detract from his message. For instance, he compares finding one’s passion to be an Easter Egg Hunt for seedlings of ideas, sea anchors represent destructive ideas, unlocking one’s adult self out of a cage representing freedom. They just felt a little out-of-place.
I also felt like Peterson writes from a rather privileged or high socioeconomic viewpoint as he discusses childhood “innocence” and many examples are more targeted towards families with doting parents that don’t teach their children natural survival skills and who can bathe in the luxury of never having to grow up (which he does dissuade people from doing). But most teenagers (at least the ones I grew up with), learned to take care of themselves and couldn’t really rely on their parents to do everything, for they knew what it meant to be independent. Granted, he does bring up the important fact that people mature once they leave their parents’ home, but the way he does this felt convoluted and not necessarily the best articulated.
As the book progresses, certain lessons become rather shallow and not well-explored, since clichés and blanket statements begin to serve as advice. While I understand it’s difficult to provide specificity for so many readers, even in the conclusion, he provides nondescript actions. In fact, his call to action for readers feels weak, since Peterson points out the privilege we’ve accrued and then tells us to do something with it, but not alone, since nothing is accomplished by one person.
Sure, it’s not the most reassuring passage, but then he proceeds to quote Gandhi (and he also quotes many other famous people as if to build his ethos) and brings up ideologies of Buddhism that don’t really tie together everything he has presented.
In brief, Peterson brought forth many different ideas and they are valid and can be quite helpful to many people who are looking for a bit of guidance during their 20’s, but it felt rushed and too shallow for my own taste.
The book is separated into four parts:
1. Transition from adolescence to adulthood: adultescence
2. The lies people grew up with and knowing the "truths" of adulthood.
3. Self-image and discovery
4. Moving forward
PROS:
Overall, Peterson is a rather straight-forward writer and he provides some interesting points that more people should take to heart. His advice is simple (in concept) and provides some thought-provoking ways to approach different issues.
Perhaps since he is writing about how to be miserable (in the attempt that people will do the opposite), he is great at being his own devil’s advocate, providing insight towards his own points.
I think he brings up great points about temptation and people’s need for short-term gratification rather than long-term goal setting, and showcasing (albeit extremely) the impact some of these decisions can have. He provides a lot of great axioms such as how “Passions are cultivated, not found”, the importance of not letting small things that strangers do impact you, such as microaggressions, the negative impact of unconditional positive regard, among others. He also sets up a few small thought experiments, which I found a little enjoyable.
CRITIQUES:
Personally, I found that his satirical writing style didn’t necessarily match the tone of the novel. He attempts to be comical and go to the extremes as an attempt to motivate people and shift one’s traditional thoughts, yet it also didn’t make it relatable.
He also makes quick references to aspects of pop culture, events, and stories without providing more detail, providing a fast analogy and comparison for understanding, but inevitably, the comparisons don’t always translate perfectly and detract from his message. For instance, he compares finding one’s passion to be an Easter Egg Hunt for seedlings of ideas, sea anchors represent destructive ideas, unlocking one’s adult self out of a cage representing freedom. They just felt a little out-of-place.
I also felt like Peterson writes from a rather privileged or high socioeconomic viewpoint as he discusses childhood “innocence” and many examples are more targeted towards families with doting parents that don’t teach their children natural survival skills and who can bathe in the luxury of never having to grow up (which he does dissuade people from doing). But most teenagers (at least the ones I grew up with), learned to take care of themselves and couldn’t really rely on their parents to do everything, for they knew what it meant to be independent. Granted, he does bring up the important fact that people mature once they leave their parents’ home, but the way he does this felt convoluted and not necessarily the best articulated.
As the book progresses, certain lessons become rather shallow and not well-explored, since clichés and blanket statements begin to serve as advice. While I understand it’s difficult to provide specificity for so many readers, even in the conclusion, he provides nondescript actions. In fact, his call to action for readers feels weak, since Peterson points out the privilege we’ve accrued and then tells us to do something with it, but not alone, since nothing is accomplished by one person.
Sure, it’s not the most reassuring passage, but then he proceeds to quote Gandhi (and he also quotes many other famous people as if to build his ethos) and brings up ideologies of Buddhism that don’t really tie together everything he has presented.
In brief, Peterson brought forth many different ideas and they are valid and can be quite helpful to many people who are looking for a bit of guidance during their 20’s, but it felt rushed and too shallow for my own taste.
February 16, 2020
The book started out well. I hadn't read any book in the anti-advice genre before and I was excited to start my first one.
The author's advice is definitely point-on. The writing style is good and the way the information is structured makes it easy to read and digest information. The author has shared a lot of anecdotes and most of them add on to the narrative.
My problem was the anti-advice way of writing. It wasn't for me. It has worked for others but it just bore me down until I was ready to close the book just to be done with it.
But the introduction was GOLD for me because it gave me a lot to think about.
Overall, recommended.
I received a free copy of this book from NetGalley.
The author's advice is definitely point-on. The writing style is good and the way the information is structured makes it easy to read and digest information. The author has shared a lot of anecdotes and most of them add on to the narrative.
My problem was the anti-advice way of writing. It wasn't for me. It has worked for others but it just bore me down until I was ready to close the book just to be done with it.
But the introduction was GOLD for me because it gave me a lot to think about.
Overall, recommended.
I received a free copy of this book from NetGalley.
June 19, 2020
3.5 stars - I think I went into this book expecting more humor than self help and while there was definitely some good humor, I just felt done with the self help aspect by the end. It’s not a genre I generally enjoy anyways and I really didn’t feel in the mindset for it while searching for jobs in a global pandemic.
January 14, 2022
personally not into self help books. many cases discussed seem to be extreme examples (having zero goals = bad, never making decisions = bad, etc)
May 9, 2020
How to Be Miserable in Your Twenties: 40 Strategies to Fail at Adulting is a self-help book by Dr. Randy Paterson. It's primarily aimed at people in their twenties. The intention of the book is to help those who feel kind of stuck, lost, unsure of what to do in a decade I personally have had much trouble myself. It's sort of a spiritual sequel / spin-off of the author's earlier book: How to Be Miserable: 40 Strategies You Already Use (which I will call "the original" from now on).
I must confess that I've been having a pretty big stake in this sequel / follow-up book because I've read the original a little over two years ago after watching CGP Grey's video on the matter and the book has had a profound impact on my life to the point it kickstarted my life out of a multiple years-long battle with depression. After I read the book, I quit a job I was slowly being destroyed by, started investigating my interests one by one and did what I thought was unthinkable by starting to travel abroad - twice - that same year. This was all done in 18 months after I read the book.
Like King Théoden from The Lord of the Rings I slowly awoke from a dark, dreamless slumber. I know that sounds overblown and yes, the book didn't hold my hand when I got on the plane and it didn't sign my resignation for me and yes, I've had help from third parties. When you kind of give up on life with it's endless challenges, then nothing really happens for years on end.
This was the case with me until I read the book.
After that I started thinking: "What if I went to Iceland? What if the plane doesn't crash? What if I actually don't get mugged for my phone and wallet on the first day? What if the guy at the car rental station won't screw me over? What if it only rains one day, instead of the entire trip? What if I - god forbid - actually enjoy myself, even with the tremendous uncertainties and high cost?
-> That means I'll have to travel some more, right?
-> If I travel more, that means I'll need a lot of money
-> that means I'll need to find a different job to make that money collecting more enjoyable
-> that means I'll need to figure out what I find enjoyable to make a living from."
This was exactly my line of thinking and it's a mission I'm still pursuing. It's for this reason that the original book has constantly been on my mind and always closeby. The book has done for me what years upon years of living in a toxic society has desperately tried to undo. So imagine then, how excited I was when I received the follow-up to that book in the mail and imagine my disappointment when I discovered that it's not nearly as good as the first book.
I think it helps when I start with what I liked about it. The book is still filled with Randy's signature metaphor-filled humor, where cartoonish examples are shown to visualize how ridiculous negative thinking can be. I have quite the visual imagination so these literally always make me laugh. Also, at their core, if you shorten the teachings to a few paragraphs, they can still be incredibly informative and enlightening, though not as profoundly as the original book for reasons I will elaborate on later. Dr. Paterson's crystal-clear use of oft-disused common sense and simple logic often made me nod in agreement and made the hamsterwheel turn as quickly as it could. My mentioning of the shortening of chapters shows the first sign of trouble for the book.
This book is bloated in a lot of ways. It desperately needed either another editor or a fresh pair of eyes. Randy tends to go on long tangents that aren't immediately relevant for the subject at hand, or the concerns of the reader. Nobody seriously googles advice on life unless they really need it and when you read Tangent #3 in lesson 11 that you already don't fully agree with... well, it can be an exasparating experience. And perhaps this shows my OCD sides, but I don't really see skipping a lesson an option. It's only fair that I keep an open mind to learn what I can. Especially when you consider that almost every single page in the original "How To Be Miserable" was pretty much gold.
Some of the lessons feel polluted with a mixture of bias and agenda-pushing. This was present in the original as well but these were always mild suggestions to inspire or to add creedence to the lesson at hand. An example. In both books, Randy likes to bring up the idea of donating (charity) and how it can have a positive effect on your life, and after reading his arguments sprinkled throughout reading, they made me think long and hard about the value of donating. This was something I'd never even consider in the past. With this book, charity, and plenty of other causes that may need a bit of embellishment to sell are brought up, but it's never really revealed why I should care about them.
This book, just as the last one, contains 40 lessons spread across four distinct themes. While they are all presented as new chapters that tell a story, they can't quite escape feeling repeated from each other. Some of the key words or core meanings of some lessons will echo into others, and you'll swear you've read the same text just yesterday in your last reading session. You could probably create much more impactful content if the text was condensed into, say, 20 to 25 lessons. If Randy finds each of the 40 lessons vital, he could have easily weaved the core message of several lessons into one lesson, and it would have made for a much more engaging read. It would easily cut a third of the pages as well.
Having reread the book a second time yesterday, the bloat is a genuine problem and makes it frustrating to go through. The original got to the point so much faster. You open the book up, your eyeballs fall on a random page (hopefully not literally) and bam! Instant action. It was like the 1993 video game Doom in psychology form. In that case, instant brain.
I'm getting increasingly tired of "grown-up" media trying to tell the young dum-dums of the new generation that screen-entertainment such as video games are enjoyed by losers with no goals or future and that it's the root cause of unhappiness. I'm weary of being told that having sex with everything that has a heartbeat is totally awesome ("you need to discover yourself!"). But when you whip out a controller, that's where people draw the line and say "By Jove, the end times are surely upon us."
In the entire book, Randy never says that gamers are losers with no future. However, in many chapters the electronic entertainment industry provides him with a nice, chunky target that I'm almost certain he knows very little about. Video games have a bad rap, and at times, deservedly so. But only gamers themselves seem to see their inherent artistic beauty, technological, educational and meditative qualities. I never got the sense that he was addressing his audience (twentiers, mostly male) free of prejudices. It always felt like he described his way was the best way.
All the other ways? In the chapter titled "Chill" Randy seems to go so far as to mock those who choose to live a life that is simply simple, which includes people I know and respect a great deal. It's irritating to see somebody I respect write that some avenues of life are considered literally better. Risk taking possibly costing money and time? "Calculate your odds". Jumping into the unknown, not knowing what to expect? "Get out of your comfort zone." Not knowing what to do in life? "Just pick and choose something." Most big, paralyzing life questions in this book are answered with a rice waffle-esque, blockheaded response.
I'll be the first to say that trying new things is a necessary component of life, but one should never forget the importance of home. Of your own Hobbiton. One shouldn't forget how many corpses lie dead and frozen on the slopes of Mount Everest and how extremely motivated those people must have been.
I don't know exactly what happened in two years but Randy's very careful consideration for the feelings of others or their difficulties seems to be completely missing here.
The original book went a bit like this: "If you're struggling with life and you feel like it's a struggle, then it really is a struggle and you're not imagining it. You're not diseased or faulty for thinking that it's a struggle." while the new book seems to say "If you're struggling, perhaps it's your fault. Also, life is hard. Also also, you're wasting time." If you read these two sentences carefully you'll notice that it's pretty much the exact same sentence but with a much less motivating tone, and it's this tone that feels off throughout the book.
Take a stand to things you find intolerable, but let everything slide. Don't deliberate. Either accept everything life ever throws at you or stay safe in your cul-de-sac neighbourhood. Try everything, but don't try everything because the clock is ticking.
Wait, what?
The advice veers dangerously close to the "just do it"-mentality that's become a joke on the internet. The original feels serene and wise, the spin-off feels judgemental and dull. It's a shame. Dr. Paterson should know better and, judging from his previous work, does know better.
Text language is funny in the sense that the most well-meaning set of words (that are meant to move you in some way), can, if your perspective is just a few degrees off, be seen as the author making light of what you believe or have experienced. Perhaps this is what happened during my reading? If that's the case then the language and tone needed to be far more clear.
I reread the original "How to Be Miserable" once a year. I never said it was perfect: it had moments where I had to hold back vomit due to it's "life is okay if you let it"-optimism. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a "glass half empty" kind of guy but I always keep my eyes and ears and brain open. But I read further because I could feel it was written with genuinely good intentions and it helps that most of the advice was actually solid and workable (VAPID vs SMART, ...). It felt like being in a really good conversation with a therapist. It had lessons you could literally immediately apply to your own life.
With this next book I was expecting more. When I listened to Randy talk about the hikikomori problem that's cropping up more and more I became incredibly interested in what he had to say. He even includes the subject in the prologue but leaves it dangling there for the rest of the book.
I'm probably completely wrong on this one but it just doesn't feel like Dr. Paterson understands how imprisoned twenty year olds feel, let alone the hikikomori, and how their long life before them stress-inducingly stretches out endlessly, with their minds as their only company, with nowhere to go. In a way, I can't blame him for trying but failing. How could he have ever succeeded? His twenties are behind him, and he never experienced living in 2020 when he was in his twenties. Your memories, that very distinct feeling of how incredibly mentally stuck you can be in life wears out when you become older.
I must confess that I've been having a pretty big stake in this sequel / follow-up book because I've read the original a little over two years ago after watching CGP Grey's video on the matter and the book has had a profound impact on my life to the point it kickstarted my life out of a multiple years-long battle with depression. After I read the book, I quit a job I was slowly being destroyed by, started investigating my interests one by one and did what I thought was unthinkable by starting to travel abroad - twice - that same year. This was all done in 18 months after I read the book.
Like King Théoden from The Lord of the Rings I slowly awoke from a dark, dreamless slumber. I know that sounds overblown and yes, the book didn't hold my hand when I got on the plane and it didn't sign my resignation for me and yes, I've had help from third parties. When you kind of give up on life with it's endless challenges, then nothing really happens for years on end.
This was the case with me until I read the book.
After that I started thinking: "What if I went to Iceland? What if the plane doesn't crash? What if I actually don't get mugged for my phone and wallet on the first day? What if the guy at the car rental station won't screw me over? What if it only rains one day, instead of the entire trip? What if I - god forbid - actually enjoy myself, even with the tremendous uncertainties and high cost?
-> That means I'll have to travel some more, right?
-> If I travel more, that means I'll need a lot of money
-> that means I'll need to find a different job to make that money collecting more enjoyable
-> that means I'll need to figure out what I find enjoyable to make a living from."
This was exactly my line of thinking and it's a mission I'm still pursuing. It's for this reason that the original book has constantly been on my mind and always closeby. The book has done for me what years upon years of living in a toxic society has desperately tried to undo. So imagine then, how excited I was when I received the follow-up to that book in the mail and imagine my disappointment when I discovered that it's not nearly as good as the first book.
I think it helps when I start with what I liked about it. The book is still filled with Randy's signature metaphor-filled humor, where cartoonish examples are shown to visualize how ridiculous negative thinking can be. I have quite the visual imagination so these literally always make me laugh. Also, at their core, if you shorten the teachings to a few paragraphs, they can still be incredibly informative and enlightening, though not as profoundly as the original book for reasons I will elaborate on later. Dr. Paterson's crystal-clear use of oft-disused common sense and simple logic often made me nod in agreement and made the hamsterwheel turn as quickly as it could. My mentioning of the shortening of chapters shows the first sign of trouble for the book.
This book is bloated in a lot of ways. It desperately needed either another editor or a fresh pair of eyes. Randy tends to go on long tangents that aren't immediately relevant for the subject at hand, or the concerns of the reader. Nobody seriously googles advice on life unless they really need it and when you read Tangent #3 in lesson 11 that you already don't fully agree with... well, it can be an exasparating experience. And perhaps this shows my OCD sides, but I don't really see skipping a lesson an option. It's only fair that I keep an open mind to learn what I can. Especially when you consider that almost every single page in the original "How To Be Miserable" was pretty much gold.
Some of the lessons feel polluted with a mixture of bias and agenda-pushing. This was present in the original as well but these were always mild suggestions to inspire or to add creedence to the lesson at hand. An example. In both books, Randy likes to bring up the idea of donating (charity) and how it can have a positive effect on your life, and after reading his arguments sprinkled throughout reading, they made me think long and hard about the value of donating. This was something I'd never even consider in the past. With this book, charity, and plenty of other causes that may need a bit of embellishment to sell are brought up, but it's never really revealed why I should care about them.
This book, just as the last one, contains 40 lessons spread across four distinct themes. While they are all presented as new chapters that tell a story, they can't quite escape feeling repeated from each other. Some of the key words or core meanings of some lessons will echo into others, and you'll swear you've read the same text just yesterday in your last reading session. You could probably create much more impactful content if the text was condensed into, say, 20 to 25 lessons. If Randy finds each of the 40 lessons vital, he could have easily weaved the core message of several lessons into one lesson, and it would have made for a much more engaging read. It would easily cut a third of the pages as well.
Having reread the book a second time yesterday, the bloat is a genuine problem and makes it frustrating to go through. The original got to the point so much faster. You open the book up, your eyeballs fall on a random page (hopefully not literally) and bam! Instant action. It was like the 1993 video game Doom in psychology form. In that case, instant brain.
I'm getting increasingly tired of "grown-up" media trying to tell the young dum-dums of the new generation that screen-entertainment such as video games are enjoyed by losers with no goals or future and that it's the root cause of unhappiness. I'm weary of being told that having sex with everything that has a heartbeat is totally awesome ("you need to discover yourself!"). But when you whip out a controller, that's where people draw the line and say "By Jove, the end times are surely upon us."
In the entire book, Randy never says that gamers are losers with no future. However, in many chapters the electronic entertainment industry provides him with a nice, chunky target that I'm almost certain he knows very little about. Video games have a bad rap, and at times, deservedly so. But only gamers themselves seem to see their inherent artistic beauty, technological, educational and meditative qualities. I never got the sense that he was addressing his audience (twentiers, mostly male) free of prejudices. It always felt like he described his way was the best way.
All the other ways? In the chapter titled "Chill" Randy seems to go so far as to mock those who choose to live a life that is simply simple, which includes people I know and respect a great deal. It's irritating to see somebody I respect write that some avenues of life are considered literally better. Risk taking possibly costing money and time? "Calculate your odds". Jumping into the unknown, not knowing what to expect? "Get out of your comfort zone." Not knowing what to do in life? "Just pick and choose something." Most big, paralyzing life questions in this book are answered with a rice waffle-esque, blockheaded response.
I'll be the first to say that trying new things is a necessary component of life, but one should never forget the importance of home. Of your own Hobbiton. One shouldn't forget how many corpses lie dead and frozen on the slopes of Mount Everest and how extremely motivated those people must have been.
I don't know exactly what happened in two years but Randy's very careful consideration for the feelings of others or their difficulties seems to be completely missing here.
The original book went a bit like this: "If you're struggling with life and you feel like it's a struggle, then it really is a struggle and you're not imagining it. You're not diseased or faulty for thinking that it's a struggle." while the new book seems to say "If you're struggling, perhaps it's your fault. Also, life is hard. Also also, you're wasting time." If you read these two sentences carefully you'll notice that it's pretty much the exact same sentence but with a much less motivating tone, and it's this tone that feels off throughout the book.
Take a stand to things you find intolerable, but let everything slide. Don't deliberate. Either accept everything life ever throws at you or stay safe in your cul-de-sac neighbourhood. Try everything, but don't try everything because the clock is ticking.
Wait, what?
The advice veers dangerously close to the "just do it"-mentality that's become a joke on the internet. The original feels serene and wise, the spin-off feels judgemental and dull. It's a shame. Dr. Paterson should know better and, judging from his previous work, does know better.
Text language is funny in the sense that the most well-meaning set of words (that are meant to move you in some way), can, if your perspective is just a few degrees off, be seen as the author making light of what you believe or have experienced. Perhaps this is what happened during my reading? If that's the case then the language and tone needed to be far more clear.
I reread the original "How to Be Miserable" once a year. I never said it was perfect: it had moments where I had to hold back vomit due to it's "life is okay if you let it"-optimism. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a "glass half empty" kind of guy but I always keep my eyes and ears and brain open. But I read further because I could feel it was written with genuinely good intentions and it helps that most of the advice was actually solid and workable (VAPID vs SMART, ...). It felt like being in a really good conversation with a therapist. It had lessons you could literally immediately apply to your own life.
With this next book I was expecting more. When I listened to Randy talk about the hikikomori problem that's cropping up more and more I became incredibly interested in what he had to say. He even includes the subject in the prologue but leaves it dangling there for the rest of the book.
I'm probably completely wrong on this one but it just doesn't feel like Dr. Paterson understands how imprisoned twenty year olds feel, let alone the hikikomori, and how their long life before them stress-inducingly stretches out endlessly, with their minds as their only company, with nowhere to go. In a way, I can't blame him for trying but failing. How could he have ever succeeded? His twenties are behind him, and he never experienced living in 2020 when he was in his twenties. Your memories, that very distinct feeling of how incredibly mentally stuck you can be in life wears out when you become older.
May 10, 2020
I liked the concept of this book – a self-help book provides you a surefire path to misery. Every chapter is devoted to an idea or an action to be taken that will guarantee it. Obviously, the actual idea is that you’ll consider doing all the opposite things if you actually want to be happy, but presented in this way, the lessons sink in a bit deeper. While I’m only a few months from being out of my twenties, I enjoyed the book both in that it acknowledged what I wish I had known in the beginning of this decade, but also what I have yet to learn. (I’m actually wondering if his original book, How to be Miserable, would have been a better fit for me…)
I appreciated how many of Paterson’s examples describe perfectly some “faulty” ways of thinking that we have all probably engaged in, but never questioned. It is only when presented so bluntly in the form of (bad) advice (ex. Wait for permission, Never give an inch, Don’t rehearse…) that we start to realize how we’ve probably been contributing to our own misery all along.
So, I liked it. That being said, halfway through, the concept that I was initially attracted to started grating on me. I’d get lost in the message being given and forget that I was supposed to be interpreting everything as its opposite. The messages were sometimes repetitive, sometimes tedious, and sometimes presented in a tone that made the teenager in me flare up (“I’ll do what I want!”). I still think it’s a worthwhile read, though, and especially for someone starting off in life who has yet to experience some of these lessons the hard way.
Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC!
I appreciated how many of Paterson’s examples describe perfectly some “faulty” ways of thinking that we have all probably engaged in, but never questioned. It is only when presented so bluntly in the form of (bad) advice (ex. Wait for permission, Never give an inch, Don’t rehearse…) that we start to realize how we’ve probably been contributing to our own misery all along.
So, I liked it. That being said, halfway through, the concept that I was initially attracted to started grating on me. I’d get lost in the message being given and forget that I was supposed to be interpreting everything as its opposite. The messages were sometimes repetitive, sometimes tedious, and sometimes presented in a tone that made the teenager in me flare up (“I’ll do what I want!”). I still think it’s a worthwhile read, though, and especially for someone starting off in life who has yet to experience some of these lessons the hard way.
Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC!
July 1, 2023
Obviously this book is meant for people in their twenties, and I'd say specifically towards liberal college-educated ones. This means a couple of things. First, that the advice leans more towards mental, mindset tips rather than concrete, practical ones. But I think a big part of the appeal of these books is that they kind of attack you by showing you how many of these things you're doing, which is more impactful if it's talking about literal activities. Second, it means that there's a bit less to talk about, so 40 points may have been a bit too many and they could have been condensed.
But it's a still a nice, easy, snarky read with good insights, many of which are nicely in line with other things I've read about the psychology of happiness and personal observations of harmful ideas in culture. Biggest food for thought for me personally is the author's emphasis on independence and autonomy—a seed in my mind may have been planted there with regard to how I'm trying to construct my life.
But it's a still a nice, easy, snarky read with good insights, many of which are nicely in line with other things I've read about the psychology of happiness and personal observations of harmful ideas in culture. Biggest food for thought for me personally is the author's emphasis on independence and autonomy—a seed in my mind may have been planted there with regard to how I'm trying to construct my life.
July 6, 2020
Hit me so hard, I got physically sick.
August 11, 2023
It was funny
March 1, 2020
Woahhh what a journey! I received this book through the Goodreads giveaway and was determined to finish it before the publishing date (eyes my enormous stack of partially finished books)...which coincidentally, is relevant to adulting - setting reasonable(ish) goals for myself and gaining confidence from achieving them.
This isn't a book to be read in one sitting, but I think giving myself time to process its ideas helped a lot. Not only was it extremely relevant (I'm about to graduate from college and am extremely stressed about applying for grad school), it was helpful. While none of the strategies presented were completely novel, Paterson verbalized (better than my disorganized mind ever could) all the things I knew were standing (or could stand) in my own way. Seeing the potential pitfalls clearly laid out and divided into categories coalesced my stresses into something much more manageable (at least for me)...a book :D
(also sarcasm is the language of a college student. and I go to a college known for meme-ifying its misery. so.)
I'm a fifth of my way through my twenties, but I have four-fifths left, and I want to stand confidently on the eve of my thirtieth birthday knowing the best is yet to come. I want the confidence that comes from valued experiences and skills. I currently (think?) I know what career I want in the future, and though it's a long haul and my goals may change along the way, I want to work towards it so I don't regret never trying. I'm glad I read this, because I think it made me a bit more mindful, and this is a step towards mindfulness being a part of my character. I can't wait to tackle being an adult :) (jk I'm already an adult AND I WILL KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT)
P.S. to my future self, I really want to be able cultivate a thriving garden and my window sill basil plant "Silly" just died so please be better at this than me
This isn't a book to be read in one sitting, but I think giving myself time to process its ideas helped a lot. Not only was it extremely relevant (I'm about to graduate from college and am extremely stressed about applying for grad school), it was helpful. While none of the strategies presented were completely novel, Paterson verbalized (better than my disorganized mind ever could) all the things I knew were standing (or could stand) in my own way. Seeing the potential pitfalls clearly laid out and divided into categories coalesced my stresses into something much more manageable (at least for me)...a book :D
(also sarcasm is the language of a college student. and I go to a college known for meme-ifying its misery. so.)
I'm a fifth of my way through my twenties, but I have four-fifths left, and I want to stand confidently on the eve of my thirtieth birthday knowing the best is yet to come. I want the confidence that comes from valued experiences and skills. I currently (think?) I know what career I want in the future, and though it's a long haul and my goals may change along the way, I want to work towards it so I don't regret never trying. I'm glad I read this, because I think it made me a bit more mindful, and this is a step towards mindfulness being a part of my character. I can't wait to tackle being an adult :) (jk I'm already an adult AND I WILL KEEP TELLING MYSELF THAT)
P.S. to my future self, I really want to be able cultivate a thriving garden and my window sill basil plant "Silly" just died so please be better at this than me
December 26, 2019
This book right here is timely! I wish I was in my twenties and got to read this, however, there are many insights and common traps that we fall into trying to fit in or achieve the success expected of us in life, and the author shares details on all this in the book.
It's witty, fresh and written in the tone that I feel communicates the fact that twenties is not all about fun and exploration, but it is also an opportunity to make something of ourselves- and this is often overlooked.
Thanks Netgalley for the eARC.
It's witty, fresh and written in the tone that I feel communicates the fact that twenties is not all about fun and exploration, but it is also an opportunity to make something of ourselves- and this is often overlooked.
Thanks Netgalley for the eARC.
June 6, 2023
So, if we’re trying to change things, where do we start? Answer: wherever we can.
One of the most surprising realizations in growing older is just how much pain you can handle, just how many losses you can endure. A book, a mentor, a grandparent can tell you this all they want - you’ll only know once you’ve done it.
The present is your life. The ability to remain in it is the ability to have a life and influence how it goes.
Easy to think that by not moving, you’re not moving. But you are. It’s not just by choosing that you lose choices. They vanish on their own as time ticks by.
Money does not take care of itself. And it never worries on anyone’s behalf. It has you for that.
A focus on the apex of success will cast the rest of the journey into shadow. Any goal, from finding a spouse to becoming an accountant to winning the World Cup, involves dozens or even hundreds of small achievements along the way.
Overstimulated, we isolate. Overworked, we quit. Overfed, we fast. Starving, we stuff ourselves. Bored, we overextend. We careen from deficit to overdose. It doesn’t matter which we choose. Misery lies to either side.
Happiness means forgetting the suffering of others, the state of the planet, the corruption in your culture. The only way you can do that is to have no intelligence whatsoever. Smart people are - and should be - miserable.
For a bigger life, you would need to embrace the reality: confidence is the result of taking action, not a prerequisite for it.
Become a martyr. This can be tricky to do. Once you’ve nailed one hand to the cross, how do you wield the hammer for the other one?
Push aside the realization that your own emotional state does nothing, in itself, to change the world’s circumstances. No hungry child is nourished by your tears.
No one else signed the waiver either. Not your parents, not your siblings, not Beyoncé. No one in all of history requested to be born, at least as far as we can tell. If you have to sign the contract to get the responsibility then there isn’t a person on Earth who’s in charge of their own welfare. It ain’t just you.
Well, we can’t just abandon the digital world altogether. I’m typing in it right now. But perhaps our choices about how to spend the only currency that really matters - our time - could be just a little bit more conscious. The clock, after all, is ticking.
The only way to be something (an artist, a meditator, a rabbi, a builder) is to do something.
They train us to be children, then change their minds and want us to be adults instead.
But we have plenty of children to go around, God knows, and as with Doritos, we can always make more.
You will always have multiple risk factors for misery in your life. This is the nature of existence. We want to identify the doors that move when pushed and the locks that can be picked.
This makes the path to misery quite simple: Just stay where you are.
Assertiveness is about giving up on trying to control other people, and controlling ourselves instead. This reflects a harsh reality. The only person we really have control over is us.
Practice and sweat are almost always the larger determinants of success.
The truth is, you’ll never be ready, and you’ll get steadily less ready and more fearful the longer you avoid it. And here we are again: long-term pain produced in the simplest way possible - by the pursuit of short-term comfort.
Your body is you. Neglect it and you neglect yourself.
If you focus on what you have - something no force in society encourages you to do - you may experience a sense of gratitude and abundance. If you focus on what you lack, precisely the same life will seem pathetic and poverty stricken.
You can only change what you are doing right now, in this moment. It is the one lever of control you have over your life.
The trick is what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. (Carlos Castaneda)
We pay back the world and wind up with more cash in the emotional wallet than when we started.
One of the most surprising realizations in growing older is just how much pain you can handle, just how many losses you can endure. A book, a mentor, a grandparent can tell you this all they want - you’ll only know once you’ve done it.
The present is your life. The ability to remain in it is the ability to have a life and influence how it goes.
Easy to think that by not moving, you’re not moving. But you are. It’s not just by choosing that you lose choices. They vanish on their own as time ticks by.
Money does not take care of itself. And it never worries on anyone’s behalf. It has you for that.
A focus on the apex of success will cast the rest of the journey into shadow. Any goal, from finding a spouse to becoming an accountant to winning the World Cup, involves dozens or even hundreds of small achievements along the way.
Overstimulated, we isolate. Overworked, we quit. Overfed, we fast. Starving, we stuff ourselves. Bored, we overextend. We careen from deficit to overdose. It doesn’t matter which we choose. Misery lies to either side.
Happiness means forgetting the suffering of others, the state of the planet, the corruption in your culture. The only way you can do that is to have no intelligence whatsoever. Smart people are - and should be - miserable.
For a bigger life, you would need to embrace the reality: confidence is the result of taking action, not a prerequisite for it.
Become a martyr. This can be tricky to do. Once you’ve nailed one hand to the cross, how do you wield the hammer for the other one?
Push aside the realization that your own emotional state does nothing, in itself, to change the world’s circumstances. No hungry child is nourished by your tears.
No one else signed the waiver either. Not your parents, not your siblings, not Beyoncé. No one in all of history requested to be born, at least as far as we can tell. If you have to sign the contract to get the responsibility then there isn’t a person on Earth who’s in charge of their own welfare. It ain’t just you.
Well, we can’t just abandon the digital world altogether. I’m typing in it right now. But perhaps our choices about how to spend the only currency that really matters - our time - could be just a little bit more conscious. The clock, after all, is ticking.
The only way to be something (an artist, a meditator, a rabbi, a builder) is to do something.
They train us to be children, then change their minds and want us to be adults instead.
But we have plenty of children to go around, God knows, and as with Doritos, we can always make more.
You will always have multiple risk factors for misery in your life. This is the nature of existence. We want to identify the doors that move when pushed and the locks that can be picked.
This makes the path to misery quite simple: Just stay where you are.
Assertiveness is about giving up on trying to control other people, and controlling ourselves instead. This reflects a harsh reality. The only person we really have control over is us.
Practice and sweat are almost always the larger determinants of success.
The truth is, you’ll never be ready, and you’ll get steadily less ready and more fearful the longer you avoid it. And here we are again: long-term pain produced in the simplest way possible - by the pursuit of short-term comfort.
Your body is you. Neglect it and you neglect yourself.
If you focus on what you have - something no force in society encourages you to do - you may experience a sense of gratitude and abundance. If you focus on what you lack, precisely the same life will seem pathetic and poverty stricken.
You can only change what you are doing right now, in this moment. It is the one lever of control you have over your life.
The trick is what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. (Carlos Castaneda)
We pay back the world and wind up with more cash in the emotional wallet than when we started.
February 14, 2020
I won this novel via Goodreads Giveaways.
This book is wrote for 20-somethings, I am 32 and it was very applicable. If only more people could look at their lives from the flip side, we might have a generation of people who found true happiness, less stress and gave up on the notions of all or nothing.
As someone you has younger siblings stuck in the endless binging this or that, depression overtaking, can't quite figure out what they are doing or want to do with their lives cycles, I found this book to be enlightening for the older folks as well. In fact, it seems like there are quite a few 30 to 40 year olds I know still stuck in this pattern and could use this book as well!
I really enjoyed Paterson's simply stated truth that we are all privileged beyond a good portion of the world's population and we have many more opportunities for happiness and yet we keep letting ourselves sink into misery.
Paterson is heavily snarky and uses metaphors incessantly. I at times found this a bit much, like the content was lost somewhere in his endless musings and jokes. But I also laughed my way through learning a bit more about myself and the nature of society.
This book is wrote for 20-somethings, I am 32 and it was very applicable. If only more people could look at their lives from the flip side, we might have a generation of people who found true happiness, less stress and gave up on the notions of all or nothing.
As someone you has younger siblings stuck in the endless binging this or that, depression overtaking, can't quite figure out what they are doing or want to do with their lives cycles, I found this book to be enlightening for the older folks as well. In fact, it seems like there are quite a few 30 to 40 year olds I know still stuck in this pattern and could use this book as well!
I really enjoyed Paterson's simply stated truth that we are all privileged beyond a good portion of the world's population and we have many more opportunities for happiness and yet we keep letting ourselves sink into misery.
Paterson is heavily snarky and uses metaphors incessantly. I at times found this a bit much, like the content was lost somewhere in his endless musings and jokes. But I also laughed my way through learning a bit more about myself and the nature of society.
June 30, 2020
I particularly took the most out of the strategies focused on recklessness tying in with misery. Watch your knees, eat healthy, move around - don't let go of the lifestyle you were raised with by your parents. It already starts around in high school when one is given more freedom which can lead to making regrettable choices.
Also, the first few strategies explaining how not taking the steps of moving forward to being an adult leads to misery is inspiring and motivational. For those who live with their parents until a later age comfortably living without learning the everyday tasks your parents do to upkeep your lifestyle, it will eventually lead to misery. The earlier you start the earlier you build the life skills you need. Your parents will eventually pass away.
Also, the first few strategies explaining how not taking the steps of moving forward to being an adult leads to misery is inspiring and motivational. For those who live with their parents until a later age comfortably living without learning the everyday tasks your parents do to upkeep your lifestyle, it will eventually lead to misery. The earlier you start the earlier you build the life skills you need. Your parents will eventually pass away.
August 22, 2021
I was excited about this book, but was kind of disappointed. I feel like I've already grown past several of the tips in this book at nearly 30 (e.g. growing past being a kid), and a lot of the explanation behind the tips seem to be "video game bad" "social media bad" which I've already learned to balance and aren't my mode of escape anyway (reading is my escape, and somehow that's always held up as inherently better than video games, when a decent amount of what I read is rom-com fluff anyway).
This might be better for someone who is just starting out their 20s, and I'm not saying it's bad; it just wasn't for me. That being said, I do plan to check out Dr. Paterson's other book, as the reviews of this book (and that one) really make it look like something I might find more useful.
This might be better for someone who is just starting out their 20s, and I'm not saying it's bad; it just wasn't for me. That being said, I do plan to check out Dr. Paterson's other book, as the reviews of this book (and that one) really make it look like something I might find more useful.
April 6, 2020
This book was an extremely enjoyable read! The author uses reverse psychology to give examples of simple things you might be doing to make yourself miserable such as, Change Your Family, Not Yourself or Don't Give an Inch. For some of the strategies he tried to give some insight to how to correct the issue but also ensured to explain how to keep yourself miserable if that truly is your desire! Some strategies were directed more for twenty year olds but I think audiences of all ages would enjoy this book.
March 17, 2022
Thank you to Netgalley and the publishers for an e-ARC for an honest review.
I don't read much "self help" books. And I thought the title and content sounded different. Not many people write a self help book about all the miserable stuff going on when your in your twenties. Being in your twenties you are suppose to be able to find your dream job or a partner or do stuff fun, but Randy Paterson shows what most of people go through in their twenties. I thought it was okay. Nothing too new to read about. I lived it.
I don't read much "self help" books. And I thought the title and content sounded different. Not many people write a self help book about all the miserable stuff going on when your in your twenties. Being in your twenties you are suppose to be able to find your dream job or a partner or do stuff fun, but Randy Paterson shows what most of people go through in their twenties. I thought it was okay. Nothing too new to read about. I lived it.
February 12, 2020
I am 45 BUT I have a 22-year-old daughter and we both enjoyed this. There is some cheeky advice but there are also serious things such as how to start a savings account. Great to remind young adults they are not alone and reminds the parents that with technology and other advancements being a young adult is drastically different than their parent's life at that age, Will make a great graduation gift for high school and college alike
May 1, 2020
A decent self help book that uses some reverse psychology and discusses some truths that can be hard to swallow. Only criticism really is that with 40 ideas, you wonder how much may be retained and whether it would have been better to discuss fewer ideas (especially as some are somewhat similar, particularly in part one) at greater length.
June 9, 2020
How to be Miserable in Your Twenties... equal parts sarcasm, humor, and researched recommendations to live a better life without misery, this book tempts the reader with things not to do and frames situations into positive moments that can align with your future self's needs. Started out great, and fizzled out the more I read.
March 22, 2021
Contemplating myself choosing whether to give 3 or 4 out of 5 stars. I could understand most of the advice and well-written analysis data, I nodded alongside the pages while I read it. However, I think it is kinda missing out somehow. It could’ve been better is what I expected to be. It’s good, but not really recommended, especially for those who already struggled with their confusing choices.
March 10, 2020
Glad that this did not disappoint, going to have to keep coming back to this every once in a while.
June 26, 2021
Probably one of the most practical self help books I’ve read! It managed to not be cheesy but still be inspirational at the same time.
Read
April 14, 2022Less humorous, more alarming (than How to Be Miserable)
“盛年不重来，一日难再晨。及时当自勉，岁月不待人。”
“盛年不重来，一日难再晨。及时当自勉，岁月不待人。”
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