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Billy No-Mates: How I Realised Men Have a Friendship Problem
When Max Dickins started to think about proposing to his girlfriend, he realised there was no one he could call on to be his best man. This realisation sent him down a rabbit hole, examining the friendships he had had over the years, and where they had foundered.
Men are, on average, more isolated and lonelier than women. Countless studies have affirmed this peculiarity, and there is a staggering worldwide inequality consistently recorded between the sexes in respect to suicide rates. Dickins' disarmingly honest and witty interrogation of traditional masculinity is a personal quest borne of inner crisis, providing a platform to intelligently explore the connection between widespread male loneliness and isolation and the recently christened social phenomenon of toxic masculinity.
Join Max on his journey to find a best man, as he learns that perhaps what he and others like him really need is a best friend.
Men are, on average, more isolated and lonelier than women. Countless studies have affirmed this peculiarity, and there is a staggering worldwide inequality consistently recorded between the sexes in respect to suicide rates. Dickins' disarmingly honest and witty interrogation of traditional masculinity is a personal quest borne of inner crisis, providing a platform to intelligently explore the connection between widespread male loneliness and isolation and the recently christened social phenomenon of toxic masculinity.
Join Max on his journey to find a best man, as he learns that perhaps what he and others like him really need is a best friend.
336 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2022
About the author
Max Dickins
4 books11 followersMax Dickins is co-director of Hoopla, the UK’s first improvisation training school and London’s first dedicated improv comedy theatre. Offstage, as a coach and business speaker, he has brought improvisation into workplaces across the world, with clients including Facebook, Google and Unilever – even teaching candidates on The Apprentice (BBC1). As a comedian and writer, he has had his own Sony Award-nominated show on Absolute Radio, appeared numerous times on Michael McIntyre’s Big Show (BBC1), and taken critically acclaimed shows to the Edinburgh Festival and on tour around the UK. His book My Groupon Adventure was described by the Irish Examiner as ‘This is more than just a funny account of a madcap adventure…it’s full of heart’.
@maxdickins
www.maxdickins.com
@maxdickins
www.maxdickins.com
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews
February 22, 2024
I so wanted this to be a good book, but ended up with very mixed feelings. The author, Max, is getting married, but doesn’t have anyone to pick as Best Man. Thus begins an odyssey exploring friendship - specifically the friendships largely experienced by men(*).
On one level, this is a book about the problems of loneliness and lack of close friendships. There are some real issues here - for example when someone’s friendship group consists mostly of people from work, local clubs, or as parts of friendships with other couples that their partner largely manages. There is a real issue of loneliness that can be experienced when life changes remove these friendship groups (leaving work, moving home, breaking up with a partner). And for many people, the maintenance of friendships outside of these contexts is something that doesn’t come naturally, and therefore is often missing.
Some of the reasons for these crises are explored, and the book is very well researched, with extensive footnotes and endnotes, and features conversations with experts in every area. There are some genuinely perceptive observations about the nature of friendships, and the issues some people find in initiating and maintaining them. There are some very good examples of organisations that exist specifically to address these issues (for example, the various ‘sheds’ initiatives).
There is a lot of insight here, and I could relate to a lot of what was discussed.
The other side of the book is the author’s personal journey through his own friendships. This is told through the lens of trying to identify a best man for his upcoming wedding, and works as a vehicle to explore the issues I’ve mentioned above. But at the core of it, this feels like a “my diamond shoes are too tight” problem, as it turns out that Max has a significant circle of friends that he’s just fallen a bit out of touch with - there are 150 guests at his wedding. The search for a best man also acts as a story arc that tries to bind the book together, with the inevitable happily-ever-after ending. As the book came to a close, I found this to be glib and smug, as the author almost lords his newly rejuvenated group of friends over the reader.
So a mixed bag of useful insight and smug self-satisfaction. At the end of the book I ended up feeling worse rather than better, which I think means that the book seriously missed the mark. The 3 stars are for the genuinely useful content.
(*) I'm not going to comment on the gender issues here. I suspect that many people will identify with the type of friendships the author is describing in the book. The author also attempts to address this in a paragraph “A Quick Note from Max” at the beginning of the book.
On one level, this is a book about the problems of loneliness and lack of close friendships. There are some real issues here - for example when someone’s friendship group consists mostly of people from work, local clubs, or as parts of friendships with other couples that their partner largely manages. There is a real issue of loneliness that can be experienced when life changes remove these friendship groups (leaving work, moving home, breaking up with a partner). And for many people, the maintenance of friendships outside of these contexts is something that doesn’t come naturally, and therefore is often missing.
Some of the reasons for these crises are explored, and the book is very well researched, with extensive footnotes and endnotes, and features conversations with experts in every area. There are some genuinely perceptive observations about the nature of friendships, and the issues some people find in initiating and maintaining them. There are some very good examples of organisations that exist specifically to address these issues (for example, the various ‘sheds’ initiatives).
There is a lot of insight here, and I could relate to a lot of what was discussed.
The other side of the book is the author’s personal journey through his own friendships. This is told through the lens of trying to identify a best man for his upcoming wedding, and works as a vehicle to explore the issues I’ve mentioned above. But at the core of it, this feels like a “my diamond shoes are too tight” problem, as it turns out that Max has a significant circle of friends that he’s just fallen a bit out of touch with - there are 150 guests at his wedding. The search for a best man also acts as a story arc that tries to bind the book together, with the inevitable happily-ever-after ending. As the book came to a close, I found this to be glib and smug, as the author almost lords his newly rejuvenated group of friends over the reader.
So a mixed bag of useful insight and smug self-satisfaction. At the end of the book I ended up feeling worse rather than better, which I think means that the book seriously missed the mark. The 3 stars are for the genuinely useful content.
(*) I'm not going to comment on the gender issues here. I suspect that many people will identify with the type of friendships the author is describing in the book. The author also attempts to address this in a paragraph “A Quick Note from Max” at the beginning of the book.
March 31, 2023
Since I moved to the other side of the world - Australia - with my girlfriend, I've struggled to make any friends, a problem I'd never had before in my life, despite feeling acutely lonelier in the past.
Shockingly, the blame might not be entirely at the feet of Australians being obnoxious -- it's my fault, too. For various reasons, this past year might as well be the worst in my life.
My eating habits fell to pieces and I gained about 20kg.
For about five months I regularly worked 12 hour days, and I began drinking every day to cope with stress. I stopped reading or feeling curious about the world. I turned away from my girlfriend, and became a bit of a dick. I realised I was depressed for the first time in about five years.
Feeling disgusted and insecure in my own body and lacking a joie de vivre, it follows that I'd be crap at making friends. I haven't even tried that hard, because I suppose I feel like I don't deserve it much at my current state. I struggle to answer what'sapp messages or send anything to anyone. I'm no longer much fun.
This book has not provided all the answers to my problems, but I found solace in not being the only man to realise, quite suddenly, the depths of one's loneliness. So I read this book quickly and with enthusiasm.
It is, in all honesty, probably intended more for women than men - most of the book is pop-psychology on toxic masculinity and other such trendy topics, and the answer to every problem is 'women', in Dickins' experience. Still, it's agreeable enough to a reader jaded and weary of manosphere types who, apparently, pursue losers like me. If Dickins had really wanted to explore the nuances of male friendship, he should've had a bit more gay sex than he was willing for, but instead he got married. The mix between the personal and academic regarding gender studies is the weakest element of the book - we didn't really get enough of either.
Still, the title was jarring enough from browsing in Kinokuniya that I was able to take a little stock of my circumstances, and wrench myself out of this hole. Friendship is something to be taken seriously.
Shockingly, the blame might not be entirely at the feet of Australians being obnoxious -- it's my fault, too. For various reasons, this past year might as well be the worst in my life.
My eating habits fell to pieces and I gained about 20kg.
For about five months I regularly worked 12 hour days, and I began drinking every day to cope with stress. I stopped reading or feeling curious about the world. I turned away from my girlfriend, and became a bit of a dick. I realised I was depressed for the first time in about five years.
Feeling disgusted and insecure in my own body and lacking a joie de vivre, it follows that I'd be crap at making friends. I haven't even tried that hard, because I suppose I feel like I don't deserve it much at my current state. I struggle to answer what'sapp messages or send anything to anyone. I'm no longer much fun.
This book has not provided all the answers to my problems, but I found solace in not being the only man to realise, quite suddenly, the depths of one's loneliness. So I read this book quickly and with enthusiasm.
It is, in all honesty, probably intended more for women than men - most of the book is pop-psychology on toxic masculinity and other such trendy topics, and the answer to every problem is 'women', in Dickins' experience. Still, it's agreeable enough to a reader jaded and weary of manosphere types who, apparently, pursue losers like me. If Dickins had really wanted to explore the nuances of male friendship, he should've had a bit more gay sex than he was willing for, but instead he got married. The mix between the personal and academic regarding gender studies is the weakest element of the book - we didn't really get enough of either.
Still, the title was jarring enough from browsing in Kinokuniya that I was able to take a little stock of my circumstances, and wrench myself out of this hole. Friendship is something to be taken seriously.
September 6, 2022
Audiobook. Really enjoyed this insight in to the male viewpoint on relationships and friendships. Laugh out loud funny in places but also heartwarming and moving in others.
January 29, 2023
Important topic…. fluffy attempt
Drawn to this book by the increasing phenomena of male loneliness and suicide. It starts off as an engaging, thoughtful walk through the issues. Then veers off into rom-com territory. A pity.
Drawn to this book by the increasing phenomena of male loneliness and suicide. It starts off as an engaging, thoughtful walk through the issues. Then veers off into rom-com territory. A pity.
January 22, 2024
Ouch!
My biggest learning in reading this, the whole process has been that if you want to maintain your friendships as an adult, you’ve got to be intentional about it.
When you’re young, friendships are easy. You’ve got tons of time. Endless energy. And everything is done for you. Then you get older. All the big scary stuff arrives: marriages, kids, careers. And these things come first: you have to see your partner, you have to bathe your children, you have to go to work.
But friendships are voluntary – that’s one reason why they’re so special: we’ve chosen them. But as we’ve opted into our friends, we can also opt out of them when life gets hard. And when you reach a certain age isn’t life always hard? We can’t rely purely on spontaneity, on the stars aligning, on a minor miracle of syncing diaries.
As cynical as it sounds, friendship in middle age is largely a management problem. Friendship needs structure. And it’s on us to build it, because, as we’ve already explored, when it comes to friendship we are ritual deficient; certainly, compared to our romantic or our family relationships.
My biggest learning in reading this, the whole process has been that if you want to maintain your friendships as an adult, you’ve got to be intentional about it.
When you’re young, friendships are easy. You’ve got tons of time. Endless energy. And everything is done for you. Then you get older. All the big scary stuff arrives: marriages, kids, careers. And these things come first: you have to see your partner, you have to bathe your children, you have to go to work.
But friendships are voluntary – that’s one reason why they’re so special: we’ve chosen them. But as we’ve opted into our friends, we can also opt out of them when life gets hard. And when you reach a certain age isn’t life always hard? We can’t rely purely on spontaneity, on the stars aligning, on a minor miracle of syncing diaries.
As cynical as it sounds, friendship in middle age is largely a management problem. Friendship needs structure. And it’s on us to build it, because, as we’ve already explored, when it comes to friendship we are ritual deficient; certainly, compared to our romantic or our family relationships.
December 19, 2022
I don't think this book is perfect, but it is very good - and the kind of book that puts loneliness under the microscope that I'd been looking for. I've recently read some good Christian material but this will be my go-to recommendation for a secular work.
July 14, 2023
The fact that this is a non fiction book and I actually finished it says a lot in itself. Really important and interesting. Often frustrating to read as a woman. But enlightening all the same. Loved the beginning and the end, got a little lost in the middle.
March 2, 2023
Written with two fistfuls of wry wit this was laugh out loud funny at times, honestly profound at others and entertaining the whole way through.
I consider it pretty brave of this guy to really lay his soul bare and write about a subject so taboo to men raised with the socially reinforced expectation of stoicism. I could relate to quite a few of the anecdotes in this book.
even if you have lots of friends there’s quite a bit of information about the unspoken rules of male friendship that most of us never really think about. I would honestly recommend this to women who would like to get some insight into the world of men and the problems they face.
I consider it pretty brave of this guy to really lay his soul bare and write about a subject so taboo to men raised with the socially reinforced expectation of stoicism. I could relate to quite a few of the anecdotes in this book.
even if you have lots of friends there’s quite a bit of information about the unspoken rules of male friendship that most of us never really think about. I would honestly recommend this to women who would like to get some insight into the world of men and the problems they face.
May 22, 2023
A wide ranging look at today's man and his struggles to function like a real human being. As a queer woman I'm explicitly not the target audience for this book, so it's unsurprising perhaps that I sometimes rolled my eyes at the prison of stereotypes that cis het people find themselves in. It's almost as if obsessing over the roles of men and women makes life difficult or something.
On the other hand, there is plenty in here that everyone can relate to, the focus on private homes and the lack of third spaces felt very relevant to me. Sometimes the opposing voices of researchers and experts come so thick and fast the reader may wonder what on earth the conclusion is meant to be. However Dickins' funny personal anecdotes and strangely touching stories of trying to communicate with his friends keep things light and engaging.
On the other hand, there is plenty in here that everyone can relate to, the focus on private homes and the lack of third spaces felt very relevant to me. Sometimes the opposing voices of researchers and experts come so thick and fast the reader may wonder what on earth the conclusion is meant to be. However Dickins' funny personal anecdotes and strangely touching stories of trying to communicate with his friends keep things light and engaging.
June 14, 2023
This book didn't provide answers, but it does hint at many good qualities and activities that can be pursued.
Written very interestingly, and with much research diverging off into different topics, I found myself a tad let down at the end, but didn't mind since the early/middle paragraphs echoed a lot of what I think about relationships.
I encourage many to read, at least the early/middle parts, as I believe it's very helpful in shaping mindsets, both for men and women.
Written very interestingly, and with much research diverging off into different topics, I found myself a tad let down at the end, but didn't mind since the early/middle paragraphs echoed a lot of what I think about relationships.
I encourage many to read, at least the early/middle parts, as I believe it's very helpful in shaping mindsets, both for men and women.
December 2, 2023
Draw a venn diagram with three circles - Grayson Perry, Louis Theroux, and Danny Wallace. Where the circles overlap you have Max Dickins. "Billy No-Mates" is hought-provoking, sensitive, and often funny. I really enjoyed it. I've given it 4 stars rather than 5 because I can't really empthise with men spending £2500 to join in on a stag weekend in Prague or meeting at airports for mystery trips to Santiago. Just spontaneous, like. Hm. Wealthy millennials. Nevertheless, it's a beautifully written book and the audiobook is extremely well read by the author.
January 3, 2024
more on the 'memoir mixed with pop-psych' side of things with the first two thirds much stronger than the last couple of chapters. regardless, having not read any books on this topic before, it provided a fantastic insight into the subject of male friendships, something that happens to come up in my conversations with male friends every now and then. a good starting point.
3.75/5
3.75/5
November 6, 2022
An absolute must-read for every man (or woman). An emotional journey that was worth it!
June 30, 2023
This was real fun to read, glad I saw Vikas read it and it had an exciting cover. The author is super funny and this book hit at all of my broad cultural takes.
September 22, 2022
If Mike Gayle ever wrote a book on masculinity, this would be it.
If that sounds like your idea of heaven, and you like your men unthreatening, fluffy and so in touch with their inner female that they actually know who Mike Gayle is, then look no further. This is the book for you.
I’m really not sure what to make of this book. I mean, I enjoyed it enough to finish it; it’s not a challenging read, and I agree with the author - men really do have a friendship problem. I just think it wasn’t the book I was hoping it would be.
I read Women Don't Owe You Pretty a while ago, and in this book, the author complained bitterly that all her boyfriends had been misogynistic dinosaurs who treated women like property, but when she described her “type”, they all sounded like the kind of man I’d cross several streets to avoid.
I got the same sense of disconnection from Dickins whilst reading this book. I’ve got no real understanding of the author’s life story other than what he’s shared, but it seems that his background has led him to completely internalise a received feminist notion of bungling masculinity that, in terms of emotional intelligence, writes off all men as helpless as turtles on their backs.
But, worse than that, the author manages to pay impressive levels of lip service to the TV-Commercial trope of the hapless male without ever seeming to believe his own words. It struck me as the kind of guy who pretends to be a caring, sharing feminist, and claims to be a totally modern guy (yah?) because he assumes that’s the most sure-fire route to a blow job.
There are some good points in this book. It’s nicely researched and, for all its right-on approach, it’s quite down to earth in places. The later sections, especially those on friends for hire and the rise of doll enthusiasts were absolutely fascinating and vividly written.
There’s also more than a few bits of good advice to be had: Be the one who puts the effort in. Turn up. Actually make the time for people. They’re not that obvious because we’re collectively not doing it!
But crikey, this book was personal to the point of selfishness. Dickins absolutely fell over himself to shower his friends, girlfriends wife etc with syrupy buckets of praise and adoration which - although probably heartfelt - had everything to do with getting a teary-eyed reaction from them and absolutely nothing to do with the epidemic figures of single households, jaw dropping statistics of male loneliness in Japan, the Middle East and China, rising rates of male suicide in the uk, the fact that 1 in 5 British men have no close friends, the fact that more than 8 million of us identify as “lonely” at least once a week, and that 10% of us say that’s how we feel every day.
If that sounds like your idea of heaven, and you like your men unthreatening, fluffy and so in touch with their inner female that they actually know who Mike Gayle is, then look no further. This is the book for you.
I’m really not sure what to make of this book. I mean, I enjoyed it enough to finish it; it’s not a challenging read, and I agree with the author - men really do have a friendship problem. I just think it wasn’t the book I was hoping it would be.
I read Women Don't Owe You Pretty a while ago, and in this book, the author complained bitterly that all her boyfriends had been misogynistic dinosaurs who treated women like property, but when she described her “type”, they all sounded like the kind of man I’d cross several streets to avoid.
I got the same sense of disconnection from Dickins whilst reading this book. I’ve got no real understanding of the author’s life story other than what he’s shared, but it seems that his background has led him to completely internalise a received feminist notion of bungling masculinity that, in terms of emotional intelligence, writes off all men as helpless as turtles on their backs.
But, worse than that, the author manages to pay impressive levels of lip service to the TV-Commercial trope of the hapless male without ever seeming to believe his own words. It struck me as the kind of guy who pretends to be a caring, sharing feminist, and claims to be a totally modern guy (yah?) because he assumes that’s the most sure-fire route to a blow job.
There are some good points in this book. It’s nicely researched and, for all its right-on approach, it’s quite down to earth in places. The later sections, especially those on friends for hire and the rise of doll enthusiasts were absolutely fascinating and vividly written.
There’s also more than a few bits of good advice to be had: Be the one who puts the effort in. Turn up. Actually make the time for people. They’re not that obvious because we’re collectively not doing it!
But crikey, this book was personal to the point of selfishness. Dickins absolutely fell over himself to shower his friends, girlfriends wife etc with syrupy buckets of praise and adoration which - although probably heartfelt - had everything to do with getting a teary-eyed reaction from them and absolutely nothing to do with the epidemic figures of single households, jaw dropping statistics of male loneliness in Japan, the Middle East and China, rising rates of male suicide in the uk, the fact that 1 in 5 British men have no close friends, the fact that more than 8 million of us identify as “lonely” at least once a week, and that 10% of us say that’s how we feel every day.
January 8, 2023
Overall I did enjoy this book although it was a Tom Brady 4th down bomb from what I was hoping for and my disappointment was at the scale of Wardy Joubets’s member. After watching an interview with Max, feeling relived that I had finally found someone with real answers to my western modestly privilaged mid-life “what now” crisis and immediately pre ordered it, now picture the Narrator talking to Tyler in the bathtub describing the call too his father, “ok dad, now what?”. Followed by the apex of disappointing advice “I dunno, get married”.
This book was written with about as much risk as the Dumbo ride at Disneyland and I’m convinced his soon to be wife moonlights as his editor, with many subtle “ill do better next time” notes hoping to avoid the future “I shouldn’t have to ask” that haunt all mens nightmares. Much of the book men are being judged through the lens of a female, describing the “emotion labour” we overload on them because they have to send thank you notes, rsvp to parties, buy presents, booking appointments, and make sure the birthday cake makes it to the office party. Implying men are insensitive, careless, or oblivious for things that simply don’t matter to men is like kicking your girlfriend out of the house because she didn’t change the oil in her car.
The book starts by describing all the stupidity we all did to fit in as a youth, again using a lens that is out of context with an adults judgemental tone. Yes I agree, challenging your friends to drink a 26oz bottle of Smirnoff No.57 in one chug seems like toxic masculinity, but looking back at the lack of female interest as I lay unconscious in puddle of puke statistically I likely avoided at least one non curable sexually transmitted disease. Id like to think this kind of behaviour fits in more with what Jordan Peterson calls “rough play”. Men connect through challenges, sport, achieving common goals and taking risks.
He has made some great points regarding mens atrocious hygiene, needing women to buy our clothes, and in general taking responsibility for themselves. Which I completely agree there is a massive percentage of men that need to take more personal accountability for, although the undertone is that men are pathetic bumbling idiots that can’t do anything right because we can’t figure out the appropriate amount of time between bed sheet changes. Man shaming hit its peak in the chapter about sex dolls, which is weird AF I agree, but felt like another tool describing how pathetic men can be. WTF do sex dolls have to do with male friendship?
I don’t want to criticize the author personally, but by his own admission his girl friend describes him as a man that would have no idea what to do if there was an intruder in the house. Plus, detailing how awful he found the hazing during sports/college and his entire adult life living with two women roommates until moving in with his girlfriend seems like his perspective is distorted and may be the wrong person to write about this subject. I agree sleeping next to mountains of empty pizza boxes on a mattress laying directly on the floor in a house with 5 other guys does not seem appealing anymore in my 30’s onward. Yet I still get a twinkle of joy thinking back to those years and how absolutely free I was during Saturday morning breakfast beers with the boys replaying the nights chaos judging who gets the highly respected title of drunkest man still walking.
Ultimately this book is an entertaining read and identifies the symptoms but in my opinion misses on the diagnosis. Simply this is softly written for women trying to understand their husbands lack of male friendships and using standard female grievances to hook the female audience, anything to get on Oprah’s reading list.
This book was written with about as much risk as the Dumbo ride at Disneyland and I’m convinced his soon to be wife moonlights as his editor, with many subtle “ill do better next time” notes hoping to avoid the future “I shouldn’t have to ask” that haunt all mens nightmares. Much of the book men are being judged through the lens of a female, describing the “emotion labour” we overload on them because they have to send thank you notes, rsvp to parties, buy presents, booking appointments, and make sure the birthday cake makes it to the office party. Implying men are insensitive, careless, or oblivious for things that simply don’t matter to men is like kicking your girlfriend out of the house because she didn’t change the oil in her car.
The book starts by describing all the stupidity we all did to fit in as a youth, again using a lens that is out of context with an adults judgemental tone. Yes I agree, challenging your friends to drink a 26oz bottle of Smirnoff No.57 in one chug seems like toxic masculinity, but looking back at the lack of female interest as I lay unconscious in puddle of puke statistically I likely avoided at least one non curable sexually transmitted disease. Id like to think this kind of behaviour fits in more with what Jordan Peterson calls “rough play”. Men connect through challenges, sport, achieving common goals and taking risks.
He has made some great points regarding mens atrocious hygiene, needing women to buy our clothes, and in general taking responsibility for themselves. Which I completely agree there is a massive percentage of men that need to take more personal accountability for, although the undertone is that men are pathetic bumbling idiots that can’t do anything right because we can’t figure out the appropriate amount of time between bed sheet changes. Man shaming hit its peak in the chapter about sex dolls, which is weird AF I agree, but felt like another tool describing how pathetic men can be. WTF do sex dolls have to do with male friendship?
I don’t want to criticize the author personally, but by his own admission his girl friend describes him as a man that would have no idea what to do if there was an intruder in the house. Plus, detailing how awful he found the hazing during sports/college and his entire adult life living with two women roommates until moving in with his girlfriend seems like his perspective is distorted and may be the wrong person to write about this subject. I agree sleeping next to mountains of empty pizza boxes on a mattress laying directly on the floor in a house with 5 other guys does not seem appealing anymore in my 30’s onward. Yet I still get a twinkle of joy thinking back to those years and how absolutely free I was during Saturday morning breakfast beers with the boys replaying the nights chaos judging who gets the highly respected title of drunkest man still walking.
Ultimately this book is an entertaining read and identifies the symptoms but in my opinion misses on the diagnosis. Simply this is softly written for women trying to understand their husbands lack of male friendships and using standard female grievances to hook the female audience, anything to get on Oprah’s reading list.
February 25, 2024
2.5 stars rounded down.
With a book like this that is personal and generalising a lot, it does make it hard to connect when your own personal experience of male friendship has been very different from the authors.
Some questions I had popping into my head
Why didn't he ask more questions of those who have deep authentic male to male friendships? There was just one quote from a successful friend who mentioned that they were more mindful and put effort into maintaining them but there was very little about men who do have many positive 1 on 1 relationships.
Is the type of friendships you pursue also relevant to cultivating a deeper level of intimacy? I feel like a lot of the people he mentions in the book come from a background of using humour as a shield and don't know how to connect on a deeper level. I could feel that he often was inauthentically trying to create depth with friends who just wouldn't be expected to. I feel like the author didn't look into looking at the type of personality traits men who are more vulnerable with their emotions might possess and how that comes about.
Is male friendships changing with the younger generations, how do gen z and younger millenials approach friendship. I know in terms of my own close friendships, we don't leave anything on the table in regards to discussions of how we're feeling about all aspects of life and I feel that the current cohort of men in their early/late 20s do realise the importance of maintaining friendships as there's more of an open discussion around the topic these days.
I just felt it read from quite a narrow minded perspective and one I couldn't relate to. He made comments like 'that's not what guys do' in relation to meeting up with a friend for a general catch up. I can honestly say that's not the case with my own experience. Whenever I'm in the local vicinity of close friends, I'll prioritise catching up with them and do so over a drink without needing some 'event' to take place.
So a lot of the time I was just feeling that it was far more relevant to a certain cohort of man rather than it being quite as general male issue as the author is making out.
It was an easy read and there were some interesting parts that gave me food for thought still. I definitely agree with the general conclusion that the main thing for many men to remember is to take initiative and to be mindful of your own impact on your personal relationships and not to let them fall by the wayside. But equally, I didn't really agree with the representation of all males being clueless in this regard.
Feel like males that can relate to the struggles faced might find this book a lot more impactful, alongside what other reviewers have mentioned about spouses who may not understand why a male doesn't have more friends. But I found the book left a bit to be desired in my mind and even the 'pub club' meet ups felt a bit forced and self congratulatory.
Worth a read despite this!
With a book like this that is personal and generalising a lot, it does make it hard to connect when your own personal experience of male friendship has been very different from the authors.
Some questions I had popping into my head
Why didn't he ask more questions of those who have deep authentic male to male friendships? There was just one quote from a successful friend who mentioned that they were more mindful and put effort into maintaining them but there was very little about men who do have many positive 1 on 1 relationships.
Is the type of friendships you pursue also relevant to cultivating a deeper level of intimacy? I feel like a lot of the people he mentions in the book come from a background of using humour as a shield and don't know how to connect on a deeper level. I could feel that he often was inauthentically trying to create depth with friends who just wouldn't be expected to. I feel like the author didn't look into looking at the type of personality traits men who are more vulnerable with their emotions might possess and how that comes about.
Is male friendships changing with the younger generations, how do gen z and younger millenials approach friendship. I know in terms of my own close friendships, we don't leave anything on the table in regards to discussions of how we're feeling about all aspects of life and I feel that the current cohort of men in their early/late 20s do realise the importance of maintaining friendships as there's more of an open discussion around the topic these days.
I just felt it read from quite a narrow minded perspective and one I couldn't relate to. He made comments like 'that's not what guys do' in relation to meeting up with a friend for a general catch up. I can honestly say that's not the case with my own experience. Whenever I'm in the local vicinity of close friends, I'll prioritise catching up with them and do so over a drink without needing some 'event' to take place.
So a lot of the time I was just feeling that it was far more relevant to a certain cohort of man rather than it being quite as general male issue as the author is making out.
It was an easy read and there were some interesting parts that gave me food for thought still. I definitely agree with the general conclusion that the main thing for many men to remember is to take initiative and to be mindful of your own impact on your personal relationships and not to let them fall by the wayside. But equally, I didn't really agree with the representation of all males being clueless in this regard.
Feel like males that can relate to the struggles faced might find this book a lot more impactful, alongside what other reviewers have mentioned about spouses who may not understand why a male doesn't have more friends. But I found the book left a bit to be desired in my mind and even the 'pub club' meet ups felt a bit forced and self congratulatory.
Worth a read despite this!
January 25, 2024
I discovered this book in a Slack community. I was fortunate that the members mentioned it has a blend of comedy and story, whereas the non-fiction content makes up only 20% of its content. These messages helped me set my expectations as I began reading, allowing me to enjoy the book rather than be irritated by its humor and narrative. I found the book incredibly instructive, especially due to the various experiments and research conducted by the author. It helped me grasp the concept that men often form friendships through shared activities, not just through direct conversations. The book also enlightened me about men's preference for less intense, side-by-side conversation settings, rather than face-to-face interactions.
Additionally, I started thinking that when people enter into relationships or become parents, it can impact men's friendships more significantly than women's. Women may continue to maintain their relationships through messaging, but men often rely on activities to keep their friendships alive. Now, as a parent, I don't have many single male friends to engage in regular activities like football or bar outings. so, I'm unsure how to apply the latter parts of the book to my life. But, the earlier sections have definitely prompted me to think more deeply about these topics.
Additionally, I started thinking that when people enter into relationships or become parents, it can impact men's friendships more significantly than women's. Women may continue to maintain their relationships through messaging, but men often rely on activities to keep their friendships alive. Now, as a parent, I don't have many single male friends to engage in regular activities like football or bar outings. so, I'm unsure how to apply the latter parts of the book to my life. But, the earlier sections have definitely prompted me to think more deeply about these topics.
August 4, 2022
Brilliant read, one which resonated so much with me. A powerful read for modern men, it is brilliantly hilarious while also well researched and informative. As someone who relates to many of the topics Max covers, it’s definitely opened my eyes to a lot of how men (myself included) treat friendships and how conditioned we’ve become by banter, manning up, the use of sports and pints to hide showing any true emotion, etc. Its half non-fiction/half biopic - throughout taking you on the journey of a comic trying to find a best man.
I was sold on it being a 5, however it slightly slowed itself towards the end, with a bit too much premise on the best man story, over the more psychological and investigative research covered in the first half. I come away feeling less guilty for doing many of the things Max discusses throughout but also equally guilty for still doing them. And if the books anything to go by, I’ll only get worse into my 30’s… 😅
I was sold on it being a 5, however it slightly slowed itself towards the end, with a bit too much premise on the best man story, over the more psychological and investigative research covered in the first half. I come away feeling less guilty for doing many of the things Max discusses throughout but also equally guilty for still doing them. And if the books anything to go by, I’ll only get worse into my 30’s… 😅
August 17, 2022
Max Dickins has done something rare here, in combining in one book part-autobiography, part-sociological study, and fully entertaining prose. This is ostensibly the tale of how he, upon getting engaged, realised that the main impediment to his forthcoming wedding wasn’t the lack of wife, but the lack of a best man. But the book works on so many levels. It’s genuinely funny, appropriately intimate, and soul-searching in a way that makes you want to look at your own approach to friendship.
Reading this book inspired me to be a better friend, a more engaged family man and a hopefully more wholesome person. For that reason, this book is a real bonus for men to read, if they want to understand the peculiar dynamics that govern male friendships and, upon making that discovery, do something proactive about it.
Reading this book inspired me to be a better friend, a more engaged family man and a hopefully more wholesome person. For that reason, this book is a real bonus for men to read, if they want to understand the peculiar dynamics that govern male friendships and, upon making that discovery, do something proactive about it.
February 7, 2023
The unique combination of British wit and genuine soul-searching present in Billy No-Mates makes me glad to have picked it up off the “recent finds” library shelf. Much like the male friendship stereotypes he describes, Dickens has done an incredible job at presenting a very real problem and then unpacking it through banter - humorous anecdotes and jokes that had me genuinely chuckling as I read. I’m honestly disappointed to have finished, because I feel that Billy No-Mates stuck the rare balance between entertainment and education that can be so hard to attain - it had me reading funny quotes to my friends and then discussing what they actually MEANT.
Here’s hoping for more content from Dickens in the future - I’d certainly be happy to read whatever else he chooses to pen!
Here’s hoping for more content from Dickens in the future - I’d certainly be happy to read whatever else he chooses to pen!
July 24, 2023
I think there was an opportunity here to write the book all modern men need to read. It could have addressed the lack of connection men are experiencing and provided some practical advice all could benefit from. Unfortunately, I have given up after reading about one third of it. I was disappointingly met by a fairly weak philosophical case about the effects of ‘toxic masculinity’ on male friendships and what appeared to be the author’s individual struggle to fit in misconstrued as a fundamental cultural insufficiency. Having said that, Mr Dickins does make some incredibly funny observations at times and is clearly a talented writer; despite his lack philosophical sophistication on this matter.
March 27, 2024
I absolutely loved this book. I've wanted to read it for a long time now and so I had pretty high expectations, but they were so easily exceeded. It's very well-researched and also very introspective, and explores men's friendships incredibly well because of that. All that being said, somehow it manages to be really funny throughout as well. In my mind, this is what the perfect non-fiction book looks like.
April 7, 2024
Talking about the ups and downs of all forms of friendships between men and men as well as men and women. This isn't a self help book, just the author realising he had fallen into a friendship problem. He explores why modern life has lulled us into the sofa trap and not expanding on our 'social capital'. From hyper masculinity, being ghosted on IM through to friendships with dolls, all aspects of friendships are looked at. Should also mention it's very funny.
September 3, 2022
Brilliantly explores the different ways men bond with each other by carrying out activities together with very little conversation exchanged!
Displays a fantastic sense of humour, while laying bare his most personal life experiences.
Displays a fantastic sense of humour, while laying bare his most personal life experiences.
March 13, 2023
I really enjoyed this. Max Dickins tackles the somewhat awkward, and at times sensitive, subject of male friendship with warmth, humour, and empathy. His ability to sprinkle laughs throughout while tackling some of the heavier topics made the book accessible, easy, and enjoyable to read.
May 1, 2023
Good read about male friendships but also on friendships in general. Sometimes uncomfortable as it comes a bit close to the truth but will definitely try to do something with it as it doesn’t only apply to male friendships 😁
October 21, 2023
Exceptionally funny. I had already read about much of the research presented in the book but I did find Dickins' synthesis and combination with his own insight useful. His memoirs and investigations were all interesting and funny.
November 5, 2023
Sometimes an uneasy mix of thoughtful observation and stand-up comedy quips (some work, some don't), but worth a read, I'd say. I'm not sure there is great profundity here, but I did find his reflections on his love for his wife Naomi quite touching.
August 9, 2022
The right mix of memoir and research, which is particularly good on the division of labour in a couple.
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