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The Secret Life of Secrets: How Our Inner Worlds Shape Well-Being, Relationships, and Who We Are
“If you’ve ever wondered why we keep secrets and what motivates us to spill them, look no further. Michael Slepian has spent the past decade studying the psychology of secrets, and is ready to reveal his findings to the world.”—Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Think Again “ The Secret Life of Secrets gracefully blends engaging stories with compelling science.”—Sonja Lyubomirsky, University of California professor and author of The How of Happiness Think of a secret that you’re keeping from others. It shouldn’t take long; behavioral scientist Michael Slepian finds that, on average, we are keeping as many as thirteen secrets at any given time. His research involving more than 50,000 participants from around the world shows that the most common secrets include lies we’ve told, ambitions, addictions, mental health challenges, hidden relationships, and financial struggles.Our secrets can weigh heavily upon us. Yet the burden of secrecy, Slepian argues, rarely stems from the work it takes to keep a secret hidden. Rather, the weight of our secrets comes from carrying them alone, without the support of others. Whether we are motivated to protect our reputation, a relationship, a loved one’s feelings, or some personal or professional goal, one thing is Holding back some part of our inner world is often lonely and isolating. But The Secret Life of Secrets shows you that it doesn’t have to be.Filled with fresh insight into one of the most universal—yet least understood—aspects of human behavior, The Secret Life of Secrets sheds a fascinating new light on questions At what age do children develop the cognitive capacity for secrecy? Do all secrets come with the same mental load? How can we reconcile our secrets with our human desires to relate, connect, and be known? When should we confess our secrets? Who makes for the ideal confidant? And can keeping certain types of secrets actually enhance our well-being?Drawing on over a decade of original research, The Secret Life of Secrets reveals the surprising ways that secrets pervade our lives, and offers science-based strategies that make them easier to live with. The result is a rare window into the inner workings of our minds, our relationships, and our sense of who we are.
256 pages, Hardcover
Published June 7, 2022
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 67 reviews
June 8, 2022
A lucid, scholarly, but entertaining trip through the secrets we keep (thirteen per person on average, to be exact!). I love this book for staying true to the science of secrecy while also drawing connections to the experiences of the people who keep them. A definite read if you want insight as to why we keep secrets, why they matter, and what we should do with them.
June 8, 2022
Wonderfully written and fascinating look at the psychology of secrets
June 16, 2022
This book strikes a nice balance between sharing research findings and fascinating stories. It definitely made me reflect on what I share (or don't) with others and why. I think it will appeal both to those who are interested in learning about the science of secrecy, as well as to people who want strategies for coping with their secrets better.
July 9, 2022
Great book- well-written, funny, and I learned a lot about secrets!
August 10, 2022
This was a great 101 on secrets, with solid science to back it up.
The things I hope not to forget/my major takeaway with this book: the weight of a secret depends on how 1) amoral the subject, 2) impactful to our relationships, and 3) impactful to our security/career. The intrusive nature of remembering secrets helps prevent slipping up in conversation. We can become prisoners to our secrets, but they also have the power to connect us to others.
There are many other good nuggets of wisdom in this book, including coping strategies on how to keep secrets that can't be shared. Def worth the read. Helped me find peace with my secret by replacing guilt with the courage to hold the emotional burden alone.
The things I hope not to forget/my major takeaway with this book: the weight of a secret depends on how 1) amoral the subject, 2) impactful to our relationships, and 3) impactful to our security/career. The intrusive nature of remembering secrets helps prevent slipping up in conversation. We can become prisoners to our secrets, but they also have the power to connect us to others.
There are many other good nuggets of wisdom in this book, including coping strategies on how to keep secrets that can't be shared. Def worth the read. Helped me find peace with my secret by replacing guilt with the courage to hold the emotional burden alone.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 9, 2022
A great read - I learned so much about the science of secrets - what they are, why we keep them, and how (deeply!) they affect us.
August 16, 2022
Great read! I usually don't love non-fiction but this book had lots of stories and a naturally intriguing subject matter! Very thoughtfully done and delivers lots of insight on why we keep secrets and the best way to cope with them.
June 10, 2022
I won a copy of "The Secret Life Of Secrets" on Goodreads First Reads. It was an fun, interesting, quick read. It makes you think about the secrets we keep and our reasons for doing so.
August 16, 2022
I really enjoyed the stories and thought it was an entertaining read, even for someone who normally stays away from non-fiction.
April 6, 2023
Short, clear, easy to understand. I wish we dug deeper into the differences between what is a secret and what is just private. But I think this was an informative, broad stroke overview of the topic of secrets!
August 24, 2022
This is a fascinating book! Michael Slepian has spent his life researching secrets.
This book is everything you ever wanted to know about secrets!
Filled with research findings coupled with personal anecdotes and relevant stories, this book is an easy read.
In this work, you will learn the following:
- There are 38 most common secrets that people keep
- On average we each keep 13 secrets
- Secrecy is not an action but an intention
- How secrecy develops from babies to adulthood
- Common threads of secrecy: rumination and helplessness, feeling alone and unsupported, worry and uncertainty
- 3 dimensions of secrets: morality, relationships and profession/goal-orientation
- 3 coping strategies
- How secrets are commonly concealed
- Confessing and confiding
- Positive secrets
- The role of culture in keeping secrets
The author concludes with this: "If you have a secret that is bothering you, consider sharing it with someone you trust."
This book is everything you ever wanted to know about secrets!
Filled with research findings coupled with personal anecdotes and relevant stories, this book is an easy read.
In this work, you will learn the following:
- There are 38 most common secrets that people keep
- On average we each keep 13 secrets
- Secrecy is not an action but an intention
- How secrecy develops from babies to adulthood
- Common threads of secrecy: rumination and helplessness, feeling alone and unsupported, worry and uncertainty
- 3 dimensions of secrets: morality, relationships and profession/goal-orientation
- 3 coping strategies
- How secrets are commonly concealed
- Confessing and confiding
- Positive secrets
- The role of culture in keeping secrets
The author concludes with this: "If you have a secret that is bothering you, consider sharing it with someone you trust."
June 1, 2022
Sometimes I find academic psychology so weird:
“Tory Higgins, a professor at Columbia, argues that the purpose of our communication is not only to share knowledge, but also to obtain knowledge from them.”
“Tory Higgins, a professor at Columbia, argues that the purpose of our communication is not only to share knowledge, but also to obtain knowledge from them.”
August 9, 2022
3.5 stars.
March 18, 2024
Mano galva knyga patiks tiems, kas konkrečiai domisi paslpatimis ir kaip išvis toks dalykas atsiranda mūsų galvose. Autorius pradėjo jomis domėtis kai pats išsiaiškino didelę savo šeimos paslaptį. Jam pradėjo kilti klausimai kodėl tėvai nuo jo tai slėpė, kodėl toks variantas jiems pasirodė geresnis, kodėl būtent dabar nusprendė viską paskayti. Sužinojęs, kad paslaptis juos slėgė, Michael Slepian susikoncentravo į tą paslapčių naštą, jaučiamą diskomfortą ką nors slepiant ir atliko krūvas tyrimų apie žmonių, saugančių paslaptis, jausenas ir būsenas.
Tai va čia visas tas jo darbas ir aprašytas. Įdomu buvo sužinoti kaip vaikai, labai maži, pradeda suvokti paslaptis ir jau savas turėti. Taip pat sužinoti, kad didelės paslpaties saugojimas gali turėti įtakos fizinei sveikatai ir kodėl taip yra. Atsakoma ir į klausimą kodėl tiek daug žmonių savo paslaptis išsipasakoja prieš mirtį, o nenusineša su savim į kapus. Be tų kelių įdomybių knyga man pasirodė sausoka... Mažai tikrų istorijų, gyvenimiškų pavyzdžių, daugiau teorijos, jo tyrimų statistikos ir apklausų rezultatų. Taip pat buvo ir atsikartojimų, to paties per tą patį pasakojimo. Galų gale, ir tema ne ta, kad viskas, o viskas būtų įdomu, nauja ar naudinga.
Tai va čia visas tas jo darbas ir aprašytas. Įdomu buvo sužinoti kaip vaikai, labai maži, pradeda suvokti paslaptis ir jau savas turėti. Taip pat sužinoti, kad didelės paslpaties saugojimas gali turėti įtakos fizinei sveikatai ir kodėl taip yra. Atsakoma ir į klausimą kodėl tiek daug žmonių savo paslaptis išsipasakoja prieš mirtį, o nenusineša su savim į kapus. Be tų kelių įdomybių knyga man pasirodė sausoka... Mažai tikrų istorijų, gyvenimiškų pavyzdžių, daugiau teorijos, jo tyrimų statistikos ir apklausų rezultatų. Taip pat buvo ir atsikartojimų, to paties per tą patį pasakojimo. Galų gale, ir tema ne ta, kad viskas, o viskas būtų įdomu, nauja ar naudinga.
March 2, 2024
Fascinating!
August 23, 2022
Wonderful book. We don't know much about the psychology of secrets, even though we all have them, hear them, keep them. This book is amazing - very well-written, full of fascinating stories, and fully science-backed book on how how secrets affect us. I love it!
August 7, 2022
Fascinating premise. Who doesn't have secrets?
Clunky delivery. Too many of the studies given were hard to understand.
Some of the stories were fascinating.
Clunky delivery. Too many of the studies given were hard to understand.
Some of the stories were fascinating.
July 25, 2023
"The Secret Life of Secrets: How Our Inner Worlds Shape Well-Being, Relationships, and Who We Are" by Michael Slepian is a fascinating exploration into the hidden realm of secrets and their profound impact on our lives. As I delved into the pages of this book, I found myself captivated by the insightful revelations about the nature of secrets and their effects on our well-being.
One of the aspects that struck me the most was the thoughtful analysis of the psychology behind keeping secrets. Slepian expertly examines the complexities of human behavior when it comes to safeguarding our innermost thoughts and emotions. Through compelling research and real-life examples, the book sheds light on the intricate web of motivations and emotions that underlie our choices to conceal certain aspects of ourselves.
Moreover, "The Secret Life of Secrets" encouraged me to reflect on my own tendencies and inclinations when it comes to keeping secrets. As I learned more about the different types of secrets and their potential impact on our mental and emotional states, I couldn't help but gain valuable insights into my own character and personality. The book acted as a mirror, allowing me to explore the hidden corners of my psyche and gain a deeper understanding of myself.
Beyond personal introspection, Slepian's work also extends to the impact of secrets on our relationships with others. The book highlights how secrets can both strengthen and strain our connections with loved ones, adding an intriguing layer of complexity to our social interactions. I appreciated the nuanced exploration of how secrets can shape the dynamics of our relationships, and how revealing or withholding information can profoundly influence our connections with others.
In conclusion, "The Secret Life of Secrets" is a thought-provoking and enlightening read that offers a fresh perspective on the intricate world of secrets. Michael Slepian's masterful blend of research, storytelling, and personal insights creates an engaging narrative that left a lasting impression on me. If you are curious about the hidden dimensions of human behavior and wish to gain deeper insights into your own psyche, I highly recommend embarking on this illuminating journey through the secret life we all lead.
One of the aspects that struck me the most was the thoughtful analysis of the psychology behind keeping secrets. Slepian expertly examines the complexities of human behavior when it comes to safeguarding our innermost thoughts and emotions. Through compelling research and real-life examples, the book sheds light on the intricate web of motivations and emotions that underlie our choices to conceal certain aspects of ourselves.
Moreover, "The Secret Life of Secrets" encouraged me to reflect on my own tendencies and inclinations when it comes to keeping secrets. As I learned more about the different types of secrets and their potential impact on our mental and emotional states, I couldn't help but gain valuable insights into my own character and personality. The book acted as a mirror, allowing me to explore the hidden corners of my psyche and gain a deeper understanding of myself.
Beyond personal introspection, Slepian's work also extends to the impact of secrets on our relationships with others. The book highlights how secrets can both strengthen and strain our connections with loved ones, adding an intriguing layer of complexity to our social interactions. I appreciated the nuanced exploration of how secrets can shape the dynamics of our relationships, and how revealing or withholding information can profoundly influence our connections with others.
In conclusion, "The Secret Life of Secrets" is a thought-provoking and enlightening read that offers a fresh perspective on the intricate world of secrets. Michael Slepian's masterful blend of research, storytelling, and personal insights creates an engaging narrative that left a lasting impression on me. If you are curious about the hidden dimensions of human behavior and wish to gain deeper insights into your own psyche, I highly recommend embarking on this illuminating journey through the secret life we all lead.
April 17, 2024
Fascinating but a lot of info to digest. Big takeaway is that it’s beneficial to share secrets with others rather than holding the mental load on your own
January 9, 2023
I love a good social science book and this did not disappoint!! This book was informative but engaging, I loved how pop culture and anecdotal stories were added in to support the data being presented. I took a lot away from this book
August 17, 2022
I strongly recommend this book! Secrets are a fascinating subject to me and the author is clearly an expert in the field. The content is great - very approachable, especially for someone like myself without a lot of knowledge of psychology research. He does a great job laying out how common secrets are, why people keep them and the effects they have on your life. I look forward to more work from Dr. Slepian!
August 15, 2022
The Secret Life of Secrets is both highly informative and entertaining! I thought the author did a great job of weaving together interesting personal anecdotes and historical examples with his own and others' research on the topic of secrecy. I highly recommend it!!
July 30, 2022
The Secret Life of Secrets is a quick, entertaining read about the psychology of secrets. While the average person's knowledge of secrets comes from personal experience, Michael Slepian zooms into the science of secrecy and its theoretical underpinnings. Slepian blends together captivating stories and synthesizes findings from various studies -- including his own extensive research on the subject -- to paint a holistic portrayal of secrets. In true academic fashion, Slepian digs deep into research studies, which may appeal to scholarly readers but detract others.
Some thought-provoking ideas included the "burden" of secrets and the impact on our well-being, the three dimensions of secrets (morality, relationships, and profession/goal-orientation), and the considerations in concealing or confessing a secret. I found it interesting that the chapter on culture and coping was placed second-to-last; it unfortunately felt like more of an afterthought. The section on positive secrets seemed more appropriate in its place instead.
The Secret Life of Secrets provides serious food for thought about secrets and how they shape our "inner worlds." Slepian does an excellent job of breaking down the mythos of secrecy and imparting practical insights about keeping (or revealing) our secrets.
Some thought-provoking ideas included the "burden" of secrets and the impact on our well-being, the three dimensions of secrets (morality, relationships, and profession/goal-orientation), and the considerations in concealing or confessing a secret. I found it interesting that the chapter on culture and coping was placed second-to-last; it unfortunately felt like more of an afterthought. The section on positive secrets seemed more appropriate in its place instead.
The Secret Life of Secrets provides serious food for thought about secrets and how they shape our "inner worlds." Slepian does an excellent job of breaking down the mythos of secrecy and imparting practical insights about keeping (or revealing) our secrets.
July 17, 2022
3.5 Stars... The entire book is about secrets, keeping secrets, and how they affect us and others. Some repetition because there’s only so much you can say about secrets. Although I rushed through the last part of the book, it was still interesting.
July 8, 2022
Interesting universal topic from many different perspectives
August 24, 2022
It's no secret that "The Secret Life of Secrets" is the best book out there on the psychology of secrets.
October 17, 2022
In his book, Secret Life of Secrets, Michael Slepian explores secrets from every angle. What are they? Why do we keep them? When do we start keeping them? How do they affect our lives, well-being, mental states, and relationships? Slepian shares his finds in order to help us better understand ourselves and those around us.
Slepian utilizes a mix of research and stories as he examines and dissects the concept of secrets. His writing is clear and approachable, so readers should have no issue investing in and understanding his findings. Slepian does a good job of keeping his book interesting by adding to the official research interesting stories he has come across and tales from his own life.
Unfortunately, while Slepian’s findings themselves can be quite interesting on a deeper level, they also often come off as confirmation of the obvious. We keep secrets to hide things. They can weigh on us emotionally, with a number of side effects. It’s good to share our secrets when appropriate and often they mean more to us than to others. This is obviously an oversimplification of the book, but these statements still capture the broad strokes of Slepian’s findings.
The feeling of obviousness can sometimes make the already short book feel like it's spending too much time on simple observations that don’t need further explanation.
Secret Life of Secrets is a good and deep examination of humanity’s relationship with secrets. Readers will enjoy Slepian’s annotdotes and appreciate his research, but may leave feeling like they’ve only gained further confirmation of what they already expected about the nature of secrets.
Slepian utilizes a mix of research and stories as he examines and dissects the concept of secrets. His writing is clear and approachable, so readers should have no issue investing in and understanding his findings. Slepian does a good job of keeping his book interesting by adding to the official research interesting stories he has come across and tales from his own life.
Unfortunately, while Slepian’s findings themselves can be quite interesting on a deeper level, they also often come off as confirmation of the obvious. We keep secrets to hide things. They can weigh on us emotionally, with a number of side effects. It’s good to share our secrets when appropriate and often they mean more to us than to others. This is obviously an oversimplification of the book, but these statements still capture the broad strokes of Slepian’s findings.
The feeling of obviousness can sometimes make the already short book feel like it's spending too much time on simple observations that don’t need further explanation.
Secret Life of Secrets is a good and deep examination of humanity’s relationship with secrets. Readers will enjoy Slepian’s annotdotes and appreciate his research, but may leave feeling like they’ve only gained further confirmation of what they already expected about the nature of secrets.
December 14, 2022
Slepian is obviously a talented and respected social scientist and is able to plumb the depths of the human psychology of secrets. His writing is precise, intriguing, and somewhat helpful.
I wouldn't say the book is dry — Slepian has a mild sense of humor and bookends his chapters' anecdotes with warmth and humanity, if not with journalistic vigor. But the book is definitely a bit scholarly and might have done well with more anecdotes and real world examples (rather than references) to give the book more appealing texture.
My favorite parts of the book were the sections focused on positive secrets (which, after the more heavily-weighing material earlier in the book, were uplifting) and cultural differences in seeking social support.
While I didn't exactly struggle with absorbing the more academic aspects (like the three dimensionality of secrets and the modeling for multidimensional scaling), I can't say I found them compelling or entertaining. I think Slepian might have been able to amp up the emotionality of the anecdotes by about 30% (and perhaps move some of the more science-y bits to an appendix), but the book is easy enough to read.
I can't imagine there are other books about secrecy supported this level of quantitative research, so if the topic interests you, I suggest you read it, but perhaps take it in small doses.
I wouldn't say the book is dry — Slepian has a mild sense of humor and bookends his chapters' anecdotes with warmth and humanity, if not with journalistic vigor. But the book is definitely a bit scholarly and might have done well with more anecdotes and real world examples (rather than references) to give the book more appealing texture.
My favorite parts of the book were the sections focused on positive secrets (which, after the more heavily-weighing material earlier in the book, were uplifting) and cultural differences in seeking social support.
While I didn't exactly struggle with absorbing the more academic aspects (like the three dimensionality of secrets and the modeling for multidimensional scaling), I can't say I found them compelling or entertaining. I think Slepian might have been able to amp up the emotionality of the anecdotes by about 30% (and perhaps move some of the more science-y bits to an appendix), but the book is easy enough to read.
I can't imagine there are other books about secrecy supported this level of quantitative research, so if the topic interests you, I suggest you read it, but perhaps take it in small doses.
October 20, 2022
Am not sure what prompted me in getting this book from the library. I have often found that in keeping secrets from others, I just believe it isn't any of their business. This book explained that often the difficulty of keeping secrets is that we are concerned that other's opinion of us will change. Of course, that stems from believing that the secret is immoral or would harm others. When a secret is generally considered positive, like a proposal, gift, or other future event, it is hard to keep the secret because of excitement.
The author encourages a secret keeper to find a trusted friend or confidante to share the secret. Once shared, no matter how awful it seems, the burden of carrying it will be lessened.
The author had a personal example of how he and his brother were conceived with donor sperm but didn't find that out until they were adults. They had different donors but the same mother. Their father was unable to provide the sperm. Everyone in their extended family was aware of the secret but them.
The author encourages a secret keeper to find a trusted friend or confidante to share the secret. Once shared, no matter how awful it seems, the burden of carrying it will be lessened.
The author had a personal example of how he and his brother were conceived with donor sperm but didn't find that out until they were adults. They had different donors but the same mother. Their father was unable to provide the sperm. Everyone in their extended family was aware of the secret but them.
January 4, 2024
Michael Slepian told a story of one three-year-old trying to keep a spill secret by sitting on it. The kid could not think of the wet-butt evidence.
That reminds me of my daughter at the age of three. That’s a Christmas Eve, when my wife invited our daughter to wrap the gifts - and again in the most unusual style. Unbeknownst to me, they made use of chocolate gift paper to wrap a scarf for me ("So that daddy will think that's a box of chocolate!"). She was pretty much focused on the task. Alas, that's a secret to trick the daddy.
That is, until I came home just after they put a finishing touch on that "box of chocolate."
I had not the foggiest idea what my daughter and my wife were doing. "What a beautiful day and a lovely girl," I said. And she is.
"Nooooooo, daddy, don't get too close," my daughter was really excited, "and you won't know this box is a scarf!"
When I realized that she had been trying to keep the secret but actually leaked the story, I told myself, "It's sure to be a kid's secret to remember."
That reminds me of my daughter at the age of three. That’s a Christmas Eve, when my wife invited our daughter to wrap the gifts - and again in the most unusual style. Unbeknownst to me, they made use of chocolate gift paper to wrap a scarf for me ("So that daddy will think that's a box of chocolate!"). She was pretty much focused on the task. Alas, that's a secret to trick the daddy.
That is, until I came home just after they put a finishing touch on that "box of chocolate."
I had not the foggiest idea what my daughter and my wife were doing. "What a beautiful day and a lovely girl," I said. And she is.
"Nooooooo, daddy, don't get too close," my daughter was really excited, "and you won't know this box is a scarf!"
When I realized that she had been trying to keep the secret but actually leaked the story, I told myself, "It's sure to be a kid's secret to remember."
Displaying 1 - 30 of 67 reviews