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The Idle Parent: Why Laid-Back Parents Raise Happier and Healthier Kids
This wise and funny book presents a revolutionary yet highly practical approach to childcare: leave them alone.
" The Idle Parent came as a huge relief to the whole family. Suddenly, it was okay to leave the kids to sort it out among themselves. Suddenly, it was okay to be responsibly lazy. This is the most counterintuitive but most helpful and consoling child-raising manual I've yet read."--Alain de Botton, author of The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work and The Consolations of Philosophy
"The most easy-to-follow-without-being-made-to-feel-inadequate parenting manifesto ever written . . . A godsend to parents."-- The Sunday Times
"Add liberal doses of music, jovial company and deep woods to play in--all central to the idle, not to say Taoist, life--and you have a recipe for bright, happy people with need of neither television nor shrink. Who could ask for more?"-- The Evening Standard
In The Idle Parent , the author of The Freedom Manifesto and How to Be Idle applies his trademark left-of-center theories of idleness to what can be one of the thorniest aspects of adult life: parenting.
Many parents today spend a whole lot of time worrying and wondering--frantically "helicoptering" over their children with the hope that they might somehow keep (or make?) them flawless. But where is this approach to childcare getting us? According to Hodgkinson, in our quest to give our kids everything, we fail to give them the two things they need most: the space and time to grow up self-reliant, confident, happy, and free. In this smart and hilarious book, Hodgkinson urges parents to stop worrying and instead start nurturing the natural instincts toward creativity and independence that are found in every child. And the great irony: in doing so, we will find ourselves becoming happier and better parents.
" The Idle Parent came as a huge relief to the whole family. Suddenly, it was okay to leave the kids to sort it out among themselves. Suddenly, it was okay to be responsibly lazy. This is the most counterintuitive but most helpful and consoling child-raising manual I've yet read."--Alain de Botton, author of The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work and The Consolations of Philosophy
"The most easy-to-follow-without-being-made-to-feel-inadequate parenting manifesto ever written . . . A godsend to parents."-- The Sunday Times
"Add liberal doses of music, jovial company and deep woods to play in--all central to the idle, not to say Taoist, life--and you have a recipe for bright, happy people with need of neither television nor shrink. Who could ask for more?"-- The Evening Standard
In The Idle Parent , the author of The Freedom Manifesto and How to Be Idle applies his trademark left-of-center theories of idleness to what can be one of the thorniest aspects of adult life: parenting.
Many parents today spend a whole lot of time worrying and wondering--frantically "helicoptering" over their children with the hope that they might somehow keep (or make?) them flawless. But where is this approach to childcare getting us? According to Hodgkinson, in our quest to give our kids everything, we fail to give them the two things they need most: the space and time to grow up self-reliant, confident, happy, and free. In this smart and hilarious book, Hodgkinson urges parents to stop worrying and instead start nurturing the natural instincts toward creativity and independence that are found in every child. And the great irony: in doing so, we will find ourselves becoming happier and better parents.
272 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2009
About the author
Tom Hodgkinson
69 books270 followersTom Hodgkinson (b. 1968) is a British writer and the editor of The Idler, which he established in 1993 with his friend Gavin Pretor-Pinney. He was educated at Westminster School. He has contributed articles to The Sunday Telegraph, The Guardian and The Sunday Times as well as being the author of The Idler spin-off How To Be Idle (2005), How To Be Free (released in the U.S. under the title The Freedom Manifesto) and The Idle Parent.
In 2006 Hodgkinson created National Unawareness Day, to be celebrated on 1 November.
In 2006 Hodgkinson created National Unawareness Day, to be celebrated on 1 November.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 221 reviews
June 24, 2009
I'm giving this 5 stars, not because it is some groundbreaking work of genius, but because I think everyone should read it. It isn't just about parenting; it is generally about breaking out of our Puritan ideals of what life should be like. I enjoyed this because it gave me a sense of validation about my own world view and how I live; others might think this is the worst book ever.
Every time my mother snarks at me about my life being so "easy", as if it is some badge of honor to have made yourself a difficult life and to drudge about "getting things done", I am being confronted with the Puritan ethical standard that I grew up with (and thankfully grew OUT of) and that I think has made Americans fairly unhappy as a whole. Life is not for suffering and work should be enjoyable. Get a job you like, or that at least has reasonable hours, even if it pays less than you make now, and just buy less stuff. Live near your work. Take naps (the chapter on sleeping could have been written about me) and don't feel guilty for living easily. Every day life should be enjoyable for both the parents and the kids, and we should live more in the present, and stop "investing" so much energy in the future.
There are also some interesting chapters on education and on 'good' books for kids. One of my favorite chapters, (because I have such a strong reaction to this when I encounter it (especially when it is my mother) is about how ridiculous it is to moan and groan about a life you created for yourself, as if you can't change that life. That drives me nuts. There's also a thing that I don't do, that I'm going to try, which is to say Yes to Ted when he whines and moans at me to do something with him or play with him when I'm busy. Because maybe if I say yes all the time for a few years, it will "have installed security in his heart, so that they will no longer have the need to test your love and continually press for it." and I can be more idle later.
If you don't have kids, he also has a book about living idly in general, not focused on parenting.
Every time my mother snarks at me about my life being so "easy", as if it is some badge of honor to have made yourself a difficult life and to drudge about "getting things done", I am being confronted with the Puritan ethical standard that I grew up with (and thankfully grew OUT of) and that I think has made Americans fairly unhappy as a whole. Life is not for suffering and work should be enjoyable. Get a job you like, or that at least has reasonable hours, even if it pays less than you make now, and just buy less stuff. Live near your work. Take naps (the chapter on sleeping could have been written about me) and don't feel guilty for living easily. Every day life should be enjoyable for both the parents and the kids, and we should live more in the present, and stop "investing" so much energy in the future.
There are also some interesting chapters on education and on 'good' books for kids. One of my favorite chapters, (because I have such a strong reaction to this when I encounter it (especially when it is my mother) is about how ridiculous it is to moan and groan about a life you created for yourself, as if you can't change that life. That drives me nuts. There's also a thing that I don't do, that I'm going to try, which is to say Yes to Ted when he whines and moans at me to do something with him or play with him when I'm busy. Because maybe if I say yes all the time for a few years, it will "have installed security in his heart, so that they will no longer have the need to test your love and continually press for it." and I can be more idle later.
If you don't have kids, he also has a book about living idly in general, not focused on parenting.
October 15, 2010
You don't have to agree with everything in a book for the book to be amazing. In fact, often, the best books are ones that present a mix of strengthening your values by describing them in a clear way and new ideas that force you to question your ways.
Tom Hodgkinson's The Idle Parent does just that -- and after finishing the book, I can't help but love the concept of idle parenting. No, it's not because I want my kids to bring me breakfast to bed, and I'm not even that much into drinking alcohol. The reason why I loved this book is that its approach to parenting touches the child in me: my parents were a lot like the idle parent from the book, and I love them for it. After reading this book, I have words to explain what was great about my own upbringing, and that helps me transfer the ideas to my own children.
And the book is very entertaining!
Tom Hodgkinson's The Idle Parent does just that -- and after finishing the book, I can't help but love the concept of idle parenting. No, it's not because I want my kids to bring me breakfast to bed, and I'm not even that much into drinking alcohol. The reason why I loved this book is that its approach to parenting touches the child in me: my parents were a lot like the idle parent from the book, and I love them for it. After reading this book, I have words to explain what was great about my own upbringing, and that helps me transfer the ideas to my own children.
And the book is very entertaining!
March 15, 2010
Initially, I thought to myself, I am going to totally agree with this author. After all, I'm a huge "unhurried child" fan and advocate. I loved the chapter title, Bring Back Child Labor. Funny!
Then, I started reading.
What I couldn't understand is why the author is so fixated with drinking! Hodgkinson continually brings up drinking with good parenting - drink more, give baths tipsy, and on and on. It's almost pushy and it got very weird. Is it okay if parents don't drink? I would say, not for him.
Hodgkinson writes that "all paths are valid" yet he continually tells the reader what to do or not do. "Don't take expensive vacations" and "be a partner to your kids" and so on.
And just for further annoyance to me, he writes that team sports are "brutish and useless" and "Clearly they are a bastard child of industrialization." What? It's apparently not clear to me!
Ugg. Skip this book - it's not worth your time!
Then, I started reading.
What I couldn't understand is why the author is so fixated with drinking! Hodgkinson continually brings up drinking with good parenting - drink more, give baths tipsy, and on and on. It's almost pushy and it got very weird. Is it okay if parents don't drink? I would say, not for him.
Hodgkinson writes that "all paths are valid" yet he continually tells the reader what to do or not do. "Don't take expensive vacations" and "be a partner to your kids" and so on.
And just for further annoyance to me, he writes that team sports are "brutish and useless" and "Clearly they are a bastard child of industrialization." What? It's apparently not clear to me!
Ugg. Skip this book - it's not worth your time!
April 23, 2011
Fuck this was a great book. It's well written, reads fast, is super fun, and helps to calm a lot of what's going on in my "'bout to have a baby" head.
Spoilers below:
Not only did he address the specifics of his idea of raising a child, he addresses the capitalist underpinnings of so many of the problems we face in our world, and some solutions and ideas that take us back to our ancestors, before Puritan and Victorian England decided that children were beings to be molded for future political gain, as opposed to being a helpful hand to them as they become themselves.
The one major thing I disagree with him on is that he seems to detest travel as too expensive and not worthwhile. The problem is he addresses travel to Theme Parks and organized group trips, all of which are shitty. But if a kid likes knights and maidens and castles, it seems to me that a nice little trip to Scotland and England to take them around and let them play in and on real castle walls is a totally worthwhile trip, and super fun, and fits the mold of the idle parent. As does spelunking, if you're into that kind of thing. Or whatever.
But other than that, he's got great ideas, great points, it's done with wonderful humor, it's a joy to read, it's particularly fun during this 2nd trimester phase of pregnancy while we as fathers (and mothers, I assume) are trying to wrap our heads around the future of our children and we want to plan, but we don't want to plan to much.
The good news is, my wife already gets this stuff - kids like to play, and they can do it without us most of the time, because, the fact is, they are better at playing than we are.
Spoilers below:
Not only did he address the specifics of his idea of raising a child, he addresses the capitalist underpinnings of so many of the problems we face in our world, and some solutions and ideas that take us back to our ancestors, before Puritan and Victorian England decided that children were beings to be molded for future political gain, as opposed to being a helpful hand to them as they become themselves.
The one major thing I disagree with him on is that he seems to detest travel as too expensive and not worthwhile. The problem is he addresses travel to Theme Parks and organized group trips, all of which are shitty. But if a kid likes knights and maidens and castles, it seems to me that a nice little trip to Scotland and England to take them around and let them play in and on real castle walls is a totally worthwhile trip, and super fun, and fits the mold of the idle parent. As does spelunking, if you're into that kind of thing. Or whatever.
But other than that, he's got great ideas, great points, it's done with wonderful humor, it's a joy to read, it's particularly fun during this 2nd trimester phase of pregnancy while we as fathers (and mothers, I assume) are trying to wrap our heads around the future of our children and we want to plan, but we don't want to plan to much.
The good news is, my wife already gets this stuff - kids like to play, and they can do it without us most of the time, because, the fact is, they are better at playing than we are.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 5, 2017
Some people don't seem to understand the humorist in Tom Hodgkinson and feel irritated because he e.g. writes that tipsy mothers sitting around a bonfire are great mothers. Those people miss his main message, which contains a universal truth for mankind: loneliness creates sadness.
Loneliness seems to be a paradox to family life, but the modern nuclear family often creates for parents the experience of overwhelming loneliness and a sense of ineptitude to rear one's offspring. I talk out of experience.
The modern nuclear family is simply not suit to provide the same complex caring and nourishment, which the tribes of our ancestors did. Parents who are torn apart between job and children often suffer, because they feel that they get neither right; and often don’t find time to take care of themselves. The result is a downwards spiral both physically and mentally.
Hodgkinson suggests to team up with your friends and share the burden, even better yet, have fun together while being there for your children. Being part of a non-profit, parents-run kindergarten (www.spatzennest-shanghai.com) I know that our community can provide exactly such support to nuclear families, who - like in our case - live thousands of miles apart from their extended families. We meet at weekends, have dinner together and a few drinks, while our children have a great time with each other, without us having to worry about them.
The worrying, over-attentive parent is the negative protagonist in Hodgkinson's book. He suggest a positive antonym: the idle parent. The idle parent though, is not a selfish, ignorant slug; the idle parent must be understood as a complex lifestyle concept. When reading Hodgkinson’s detailed account and his many recommendations on how to be an idle parent, I could not help to be reminded of the central Taoist concept of wuwei | 无为，which sometimes is wrongly translated as non-action, but actually means action in the right moment. The idle parent acts not, because social paradigms of an ideal education force him to, the idle parent acts, when he feels that there is a true requirement to do so, i.e. guided by and atoned to the Tao. The idle parent is self-responsible. The idle parent does not listen to every whine of his child or to any government imposed top-down regulation on how to handle your offspring.
The idle parent is neither a wolf father nor a tiger mom. The idle parent can relate though to educational concepts of Montessori, Pestalozzi and Steiner, which all have one thing in common: the adult’s responsibility to provide an environment, which facilitates individual growth. It is not their duty though to force-feed youth with unsolicited information. As Tom Hodgkinson's puts it: in our quest to give our kids everything, we fail to give them the two things they need most: the space and time to grow up self-reliant, confident, happy, and free.
Loneliness seems to be a paradox to family life, but the modern nuclear family often creates for parents the experience of overwhelming loneliness and a sense of ineptitude to rear one's offspring. I talk out of experience.
The modern nuclear family is simply not suit to provide the same complex caring and nourishment, which the tribes of our ancestors did. Parents who are torn apart between job and children often suffer, because they feel that they get neither right; and often don’t find time to take care of themselves. The result is a downwards spiral both physically and mentally.
Hodgkinson suggests to team up with your friends and share the burden, even better yet, have fun together while being there for your children. Being part of a non-profit, parents-run kindergarten (www.spatzennest-shanghai.com) I know that our community can provide exactly such support to nuclear families, who - like in our case - live thousands of miles apart from their extended families. We meet at weekends, have dinner together and a few drinks, while our children have a great time with each other, without us having to worry about them.
The worrying, over-attentive parent is the negative protagonist in Hodgkinson's book. He suggest a positive antonym: the idle parent. The idle parent though, is not a selfish, ignorant slug; the idle parent must be understood as a complex lifestyle concept. When reading Hodgkinson’s detailed account and his many recommendations on how to be an idle parent, I could not help to be reminded of the central Taoist concept of wuwei | 无为，which sometimes is wrongly translated as non-action, but actually means action in the right moment. The idle parent acts not, because social paradigms of an ideal education force him to, the idle parent acts, when he feels that there is a true requirement to do so, i.e. guided by and atoned to the Tao. The idle parent is self-responsible. The idle parent does not listen to every whine of his child or to any government imposed top-down regulation on how to handle your offspring.
The idle parent is neither a wolf father nor a tiger mom. The idle parent can relate though to educational concepts of Montessori, Pestalozzi and Steiner, which all have one thing in common: the adult’s responsibility to provide an environment, which facilitates individual growth. It is not their duty though to force-feed youth with unsolicited information. As Tom Hodgkinson's puts it: in our quest to give our kids everything, we fail to give them the two things they need most: the space and time to grow up self-reliant, confident, happy, and free.
February 2, 2011
I really wanted to like this book. I loved the premise - encourage your kids to be more independent, don't overschedule them, make life more enjoyable for them and for you... But most of the suggestions in this book were so unrealistic that reading it began to feel like a waste of time. Many families have two working parents. Most don't live on farms, or start their own local schools in order to encourage a form of "anarchy." And though many of us enjoy a good drink, we don't plan our days around them, or around our hangover recovery time. Some of his suggestions were quite funny, but all in all the book was a disappointment.
September 15, 2011
Great Book!. I'm certain the application of some of the things I'm learning can add to my daily happiness as a parent. This is very well written and easy to read and quite often funny. Tom Hodgkinson draws much of this wisdom from the writing of John Locke (Some Thoughts Concerning Education) and Jacques Rousseau (Emile).
The notes below are for my benefit.. the things that apply to me... quotes, thoughts, and I guess you could say "spoilers".
They're happy because we're happy... Do not suffer. Enjoy your life. (I have been in a parenting rut lately in which I have been "suffering through it"... need to get out of that!).
"Tickle" or "Trap"
Better to have a happy childhood than a high-achieving one (can it be both?).
The idle parent is sociable. We recognize the importance of friends.
The computer, sold as a tool of emancipation becomes difficult to live without. (I need to put mine back in that tool of emancipation category!)
We need to return, says Illich, to "self-reliance and trust in others... In a world where 'enough' can be said only when nature ceases to function as pit or trash can, the human being is oreinted not toward satisfaction but toward grudging acquiescence."
"That's life," we lie to ourselves. actually, the "that" that we say life is, grudgingly acquiescing, is not life. It is a travesty of life, life as mere survival. p 18
The noisy play of children, which we thought so trying, becomes a delight; mother and father rely more on each other and grow dearer to one another; the marriage tie is strengthened. In the cheerful home life the mother finds her sweetest duties and the father his pleasantest recreation. (Rousseau)
When parents do too much, they tire themselves and weaken their children. (Hodgkinson) p 19
Drudge work is lighter when shared and when there is music playing... every moan you make will be listened to by those little ears. p 23
All forms of work can be enjoyable... Make work into a game... "Who can put the most things in the box?"
We must replace coercion and authoritarian rule with joint voluntary action. This is the way to make our children free, autonomous, self-determined, courageous, able to snap their fingers at govenment and big business, neither master nor slave. And to do this, we must leanr a few tricks. p 25
What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness? Love childhood, indulge its sports, its pleasures, its delightful instincts. do you know the surest way to make your child miserable? Let him have everything he wants. (Rousseau) p 26
So if shouting and swearing, understandable reactions though they might be, don't work, we need to try another approach, bearing in mind at all times that the more independent and self-sufficient the chld, the more idle the parent. Idleness is not synonymous with chaos. In fact, effieiency can lead to more idling time. p 27-28
The games children enjoy most are free... authors examples: Wrestling Time, races around the house, Stair Ball (better than toys with their "huge cleaning-up time and mess-making potential, and their unbiodegradable oil-based ugliness". p 29
The more tyranny. The more naughtiness. The more rules, the more rules there are to be broken.
The other way to cut down the whining is to stop your own. this means getting enough sleep and avoiding stress.... Unslave yourself. Hard work will not lead to health and happiness. Juast ask yourself: would you rather spend your child's first few years playing with them or working for the mega-corp in order to make them profits and you money to buy rubbish you don't need in order to dull the pain of overwork? the mega-corp doesn't need you; the kids do. p 30-31
Let you 'No,' once uttered, be a wall of brass against which the child may exhaust his strength some five or six times, but in the end he will try no more to overthrow it. (Rousseau) (I suppose there is an implication that there is reason behind the no in the first place).
Saying "no" to things is saying "yes" to humanity and "yes" to life. Your child must not grow used to the idea that his or her needs can be met simply by an injection of cash.... Satisfaction of wants leads only to more wants and therefore we remain perpetually unsatisfied.... Commerce leads to inequality and whining. And we must resist the temptation to teach them that a remote-controlled robot is better than a twig.
The notes below are for my benefit.. the things that apply to me... quotes, thoughts, and I guess you could say "spoilers".
They're happy because we're happy... Do not suffer. Enjoy your life. (I have been in a parenting rut lately in which I have been "suffering through it"... need to get out of that!).
"Tickle" or "Trap"
Better to have a happy childhood than a high-achieving one (can it be both?).
The idle parent is sociable. We recognize the importance of friends.
The computer, sold as a tool of emancipation becomes difficult to live without. (I need to put mine back in that tool of emancipation category!)
We need to return, says Illich, to "self-reliance and trust in others... In a world where 'enough' can be said only when nature ceases to function as pit or trash can, the human being is oreinted not toward satisfaction but toward grudging acquiescence."
"That's life," we lie to ourselves. actually, the "that" that we say life is, grudgingly acquiescing, is not life. It is a travesty of life, life as mere survival. p 18
The noisy play of children, which we thought so trying, becomes a delight; mother and father rely more on each other and grow dearer to one another; the marriage tie is strengthened. In the cheerful home life the mother finds her sweetest duties and the father his pleasantest recreation. (Rousseau)
When parents do too much, they tire themselves and weaken their children. (Hodgkinson) p 19
Drudge work is lighter when shared and when there is music playing... every moan you make will be listened to by those little ears. p 23
All forms of work can be enjoyable... Make work into a game... "Who can put the most things in the box?"
We must replace coercion and authoritarian rule with joint voluntary action. This is the way to make our children free, autonomous, self-determined, courageous, able to snap their fingers at govenment and big business, neither master nor slave. And to do this, we must leanr a few tricks. p 25
What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness? Love childhood, indulge its sports, its pleasures, its delightful instincts. do you know the surest way to make your child miserable? Let him have everything he wants. (Rousseau) p 26
So if shouting and swearing, understandable reactions though they might be, don't work, we need to try another approach, bearing in mind at all times that the more independent and self-sufficient the chld, the more idle the parent. Idleness is not synonymous with chaos. In fact, effieiency can lead to more idling time. p 27-28
The games children enjoy most are free... authors examples: Wrestling Time, races around the house, Stair Ball (better than toys with their "huge cleaning-up time and mess-making potential, and their unbiodegradable oil-based ugliness". p 29
The more tyranny. The more naughtiness. The more rules, the more rules there are to be broken.
The other way to cut down the whining is to stop your own. this means getting enough sleep and avoiding stress.... Unslave yourself. Hard work will not lead to health and happiness. Juast ask yourself: would you rather spend your child's first few years playing with them or working for the mega-corp in order to make them profits and you money to buy rubbish you don't need in order to dull the pain of overwork? the mega-corp doesn't need you; the kids do. p 30-31
Let you 'No,' once uttered, be a wall of brass against which the child may exhaust his strength some five or six times, but in the end he will try no more to overthrow it. (Rousseau) (I suppose there is an implication that there is reason behind the no in the first place).
Saying "no" to things is saying "yes" to humanity and "yes" to life. Your child must not grow used to the idea that his or her needs can be met simply by an injection of cash.... Satisfaction of wants leads only to more wants and therefore we remain perpetually unsatisfied.... Commerce leads to inequality and whining. And we must resist the temptation to teach them that a remote-controlled robot is better than a twig.
March 10, 2015
An anti-materialist, back-to-nature and the-couch, DIY, pro-sleep, guilt-free guide to enjoying life with kids. Hodgkinson can be evangelical and hypocritical (e.g., nannies), but he freely admits his mistakes and contradictions, and promotes the feeling that mistakes and chaos are okay. Reading other reviews I see that he turns some people off with his lusty endorsement of alcohol and sweets, and admittedly that's part of his charm for me. Lots of good things to quote, but I choose this:
"What we so often observe in the old-fashioned cultures is a stoical attitude, an inspiring lack of self-pity, and these attitudes are still to be found in societies that to us look extremely limited in terms of the life choices available. What you get in rich societies, by contrast, is a hell of a lot of moaning."
"What we so often observe in the old-fashioned cultures is a stoical attitude, an inspiring lack of self-pity, and these attitudes are still to be found in societies that to us look extremely limited in terms of the life choices available. What you get in rich societies, by contrast, is a hell of a lot of moaning."
April 12, 2013
It turns out I'm already an idle parent according to Hodgkinson. This book is pretty much common sense. I agreed with some of his perspectives and was like WTF are you thinking on other perspectives. A typical parent book read. I thought it was great how he advocated the rejection of commercialized products. I did not like his perspective on schooling which was anarchistic. He preferred homeschool. I am not against homeschool, but I there are a lot of great teachers out there who must conform to the bureaucracy of paranoid western parents. I think there needs to be advocates for reform to bring play-based and exploratory education.
I do like the idea of bringing philosophers into the parenting arena. The author has serious angst against public playgrounds. Public playgrounds are a life saver to many parents. I'm on the author's side this time, though. I laothe going to park. Spitball-fire hate it. But I do it...sometimes.
Favorite Quotes:
"No, there are no room for martyrs in the world of the idle parent. Our happiness comes first. And that is the right way around; as a cab driver said to me the other day of his kids: "They're happy because we're happy." Do not suffer. Enjoy your life."
-Somehow it has become the idea that if a mother doesn't put her kids first in all things she's horrible selfish mother. They these women end up Oprah (when it was on) in an emotional mess wondering where they went wrong and how they discovered that their lives were empty because everyone and everything came before their needs and now they are lifeless shells. I could go on. I love me. My kids love me and themselves. I rock and I'm a freakin' awesome mom.
"The idle parent is a stay-at-home parent. Not for us a host of costly leisure pursuits at teh weekend. We reject the costly thrills of antiseptic plastic fun places, zoos, theme parks and family days out in general."
-Hell yes! I have a rule for weekends. If we must plan something only one significant event per weekend. The weekends are for recharging for our family. We are so happy with this arrangement. It is nice to get out with the family but over-scheduling is a sort of death.
I love that the author doesn't believe in guilt. It's nice to hear a parent say they don't feel guilty for something they did or didn't do. I'm sick of guilt-ridden mothers. If you felt you did your very best in the end there should be no guilt and you shouldn't make anyone make you feel guilty.
When children whine and complain it comes from powerlessness. Create empowered children.
Favorite quote:
The best quality a mother can offer her own children is her own happiness, contentment, felicity, independence. That comes first; that si the priority. I don't mean that she should be a vain and selfish pleasure seeker. I am talkin about the importance of what Rousseau calls amour propre, self-love of a dignifiednature, not amour de soi-meme, which is selfishness.
Conclusion: It was an ok book. The meandering thought process didn't speak to me.
I do like the idea of bringing philosophers into the parenting arena. The author has serious angst against public playgrounds. Public playgrounds are a life saver to many parents. I'm on the author's side this time, though. I laothe going to park. Spitball-fire hate it. But I do it...sometimes.
Favorite Quotes:
"No, there are no room for martyrs in the world of the idle parent. Our happiness comes first. And that is the right way around; as a cab driver said to me the other day of his kids: "They're happy because we're happy." Do not suffer. Enjoy your life."
-Somehow it has become the idea that if a mother doesn't put her kids first in all things she's horrible selfish mother. They these women end up Oprah (when it was on) in an emotional mess wondering where they went wrong and how they discovered that their lives were empty because everyone and everything came before their needs and now they are lifeless shells. I could go on. I love me. My kids love me and themselves. I rock and I'm a freakin' awesome mom.
"The idle parent is a stay-at-home parent. Not for us a host of costly leisure pursuits at teh weekend. We reject the costly thrills of antiseptic plastic fun places, zoos, theme parks and family days out in general."
-Hell yes! I have a rule for weekends. If we must plan something only one significant event per weekend. The weekends are for recharging for our family. We are so happy with this arrangement. It is nice to get out with the family but over-scheduling is a sort of death.
I love that the author doesn't believe in guilt. It's nice to hear a parent say they don't feel guilty for something they did or didn't do. I'm sick of guilt-ridden mothers. If you felt you did your very best in the end there should be no guilt and you shouldn't make anyone make you feel guilty.
When children whine and complain it comes from powerlessness. Create empowered children.
Favorite quote:
The best quality a mother can offer her own children is her own happiness, contentment, felicity, independence. That comes first; that si the priority. I don't mean that she should be a vain and selfish pleasure seeker. I am talkin about the importance of what Rousseau calls amour propre, self-love of a dignifiednature, not amour de soi-meme, which is selfishness.
Conclusion: It was an ok book. The meandering thought process didn't speak to me.
February 1, 2013
Tom Hodgkinson has written 2 other books, The Freedom Manifesto and How to be Idle. I have read neither of these books, but I have read The Idle Parent and listened to Hodgkinson on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4I5XI...).
After the writing 2 books, Hodgkinson came to the realization that he better write another book. He took inventory: he enjoys humor and entertaining others; and as a writer, he has many responsibilities dealing with his children that he would like to avoid. He likes to appeal to the laziness in the reader, and in a humorous way. And so a book is born!
There is no doubt this book is written by a man; primarily because he is just what you would expect from a stay-at-home Dad. My apologies to any stay-at-home Dads who are type A.
As I read, I found myself alternately agreeing and disagreeing with the author. He makes some really good points such as parents do too much for their children. Then he suggests staying in bed for hours after they are up to leave them to their own devices. Even if I enjoyed that, I know the kids would be downstairs destroying the house and its contents. Leave kids to their own devices, but be close enough to hear enough to stop them when they turn to destruction.
Keep in mind that Tom Hodgkinson is a humorist. I think he believes in the core of what he writes, but he does exaggerate. This book is kind of like a funny rant, backed up by quotes from much older names you will recognize.
It would be interesting to hear from his children when they are 30 years old. I do think this type of parenting would work very well for some children; but not for others. I think it will produce kids/adults that are self motivated, successful, and happy--and others that are lazy, not so successful, and not happy.
After the writing 2 books, Hodgkinson came to the realization that he better write another book. He took inventory: he enjoys humor and entertaining others; and as a writer, he has many responsibilities dealing with his children that he would like to avoid. He likes to appeal to the laziness in the reader, and in a humorous way. And so a book is born!
There is no doubt this book is written by a man; primarily because he is just what you would expect from a stay-at-home Dad. My apologies to any stay-at-home Dads who are type A.
As I read, I found myself alternately agreeing and disagreeing with the author. He makes some really good points such as parents do too much for their children. Then he suggests staying in bed for hours after they are up to leave them to their own devices. Even if I enjoyed that, I know the kids would be downstairs destroying the house and its contents. Leave kids to their own devices, but be close enough to hear enough to stop them when they turn to destruction.
Keep in mind that Tom Hodgkinson is a humorist. I think he believes in the core of what he writes, but he does exaggerate. This book is kind of like a funny rant, backed up by quotes from much older names you will recognize.
It would be interesting to hear from his children when they are 30 years old. I do think this type of parenting would work very well for some children; but not for others. I think it will produce kids/adults that are self motivated, successful, and happy--and others that are lazy, not so successful, and not happy.
March 5, 2015
Tom Hodkinson – Leitfaden für Faule Eltern
Nach der Lektüre hin und her gerissen. Neben klugem Wachrütteln und Hinweisen fürs Wesentliche steht irre anmutender Schrott. Das Schema ist ungefähr folgendes: Ein guter Ratschlag zu einem Perspektivwechsel wird so ins Extreme gedrückt, dass er fast seinen Sinn verliert. Es ist, als müsse man sich nicht die Rosinen aus einem Kuchen holen, sondern aus versalzener Blutwurst.
Eine Besprechung wäre fast zu zermürbend. Der Einfachheit halber stelle ich die Punkte, die das Buch lesenswert machen, an den Anfang und eine Zusammenfassung des Schrotts ans Ende.
- Der antikapitalistische Grund-Impuls ist recht erfrischend. Vor allem weil er zeigt, dass wir uns und unsere Kinder ihm zumindest teilweise entziehen können. Den furchtbaren Arbeitsethos, der mit dem Kapitalismus einhergeht (Nimm erniedrigende und zermürbende Arbeit auf dich, damit du idiotische Produkte kaufen kannst), müssen wir nicht mittragen. Wir können einerseits unseren Kindern durch gutes Beispiel zeigen, dass Arbeit und Spiel eins werden können, selbst bei solchen Tätigkeiten wie Putzen. Andererseits haben wir es zumindest teilweise in der Hand, wie weit wir uns furchtbaren Jobs aussetzen, um unsere Kinder Merchandise-Mist aus Plaste scheinglücklich zu machen. Heraus kommen Persönlichkeiten, die sich dadurch definieren, was sie mögen und was sie hassen. "Wir steuern auf eine Situation zu, in der jedes Familienmitglied mit einem anderen Essen vor sich am Tisch sitzt und jeder einen iPod im Ohr hat, der ihm seine Lieblingsmusik ins Ohr bläst. Geredet wird nicht mehr."
- Kinder arbeiten im Prinzip gern. Lass sie mitarbeiten.
- Kinder quengeln weniger, wenn man sie weniger verhätschelt. (Der verhätschelte Hund ist das einzige quengelnde Tier.) Jammere selber nicht (das schaut das Kind von dir sich ab). Das Nein muss ruhig, konsequent und klar sein. "Ein Nein zu Dingen ist ein Ja zur Menschlichkeit und ein Ja zum Leben.
- Man sollte die Kinder ernst nehmen und sich ihnen widmen, mit ihnen spielen. Vor allem aber sollte man sie "in Ruhe lassen", das heißt ihnen Gelegenheit geben, ihre eigenen Entdeckungen zu machen, statt sie mit Amüsement zuzudröhnen, in Freizeitparks zu kutschieren oder ihnen "Beschäftigung" vorzusetzen.
- Strebe nicht nach Perfektion. Die Vorsätze (auch die dieses Buches) kann man ruhig mal über den Haufen werfen, ohne zu verzweifeln. Entspannte Eltern sind gute Eltern.
- Die Natur ist in der Regel besser als jeder Spielplatz.
- Investiere nicht in teure Urlaubsreisen.
- Lass die Kinder zusammenkommen und miteinander, am besten ganze Familien.
- Schule wird überbewertet. Nach Möglichkeit eine Schule auswählen, die nicht das Ziel hat, den Geist der Schüler zu brechen
- Weniger Spielzeug, vor allem keine Plaste. Ich gebe zu, das ist ein schwieriger Punkt. Unserem Kind dabei zuzusehen, wie gern es mit der überdimensionierten Plaste-Spielzeugküche spielt, lässt einen zweifeln. Zumindest solange bis ich sehe, dass er auch einen leeren Koffer als Herd anspielt mit pantomimischen Bechern und einem Stift als Suppenkelle. Und als Impro-Schauspieler fallen mir die Schuppen von den Augen.
- Verzichtet nicht auf Schlaf! Helft einander aus, auch unter Freunden. Mach eine Siesta. Wenn das Kind zu euch ins Bett gekrochen kommt, hab eine Matratze vorm Bett und schlaf dort weiter.
- Tanzt und musiziert. Überlasst das nicht den "Spezialisten".
- Lasst den Kindern ihre Wildheit und die Möglichkeit, aus Vorschriften auszubrechen.
- Fahrt so wenig wie möglich mit den Kindern Auto.
- Freude beim Essen und bei der Essenszubereitung ist wichtiger als Manieren, die das Kind dann doch von selbst lernt, wenn man sie vorlebt.
- Sag Ja zum Leben und hör auf zu jammern. Als besonders irre beschreibt Hodkinson das "Prammern" (eine Mischung aus Protzen und Jammern), wenn man sich also z.B. über einen unmöglichen Lehrer an einer teuren Privatschule jammert. "Jammern ist das Gegenstück zum kindlichen Quengeln." Und Hodkinson ruft auch noch Epikur ins Gedächtnis "Reichtum besteht nicht darin, viele Besitztümer zu haben, sondern wenige Bedürfnisse."
- Von Kindern lernen heißt leben lernen: Zurück finden zum Im-Moment-Leben, die Freiheit lieben, Ins Extreme gehen, z.B. Krachmachen.
- Es gibt auch schlechte Kinderbücher. Sei wählerisch in der Auswahl. Und erzähl Geschichten auch ohne Buch.
- Weg mit dem Fernseher.
Kommen wir zum unerträglichen Teil des Buchs.
1. Hodkinson will "faule Eltern". Abgesehen davon, dass er sich natürlich auch selber widerspricht (schließlich will er schon, dass man sich einem Kind auch widmet, dass man den Abwasch macht, mit Kindern rumtobt usw.), bleibt außer ein paar Bildern unklar, was dieses Faulenzen eigentlich soll. Die Abgrenzung zum Stechuhr-Kapitalismus-Leben ist schon klar, aber ohne einen gewissen Fleiß hätte er ja wohl auch nicht dieses Buch schreiben können.
2. Das Predigen vom ungehemmten Alkoholkonsum ist eigentlich unerträglich. Fast scheint es, als wolle Hodkinson über die Hintertür der Kapitalismus-Kritik seinen Alkoholismus rechtfertigen. Was am Saufen gut sein soll, lässt er unerwähnt. Angeblich finden Kinder "beschwipste Mütter" lustig. Ob diese Kinder in zwanzig Jahren auch noch so über ihre dauerbeschwipste Mutter denken, ist doch wohl fraglich.
3. Hodkinson schreibt aus einer privilegierten Perspektive. So meint er, man solle seine Kinder möglichst auf eine Privatschule geben. Und beugt dem Einwand, das koste zu viel Geld, vor, indem er sagt, die Eltern an der Schule seiner Kinder seien auch keine Superreichen, nur Schriftsteller, Architekten, Rechtsanwälte, Zahnärzte. Ganz normale Leute also? Diese Unfähigkeit, sich in jemanden hineinzuversetzen, der sich abrackern muss, um wenigstens die Miete und das Essen beschaffen zu können, zieht sich auf unangenehme Weise durchs gesamte Buch.
Diese drei Zutaten formen den widerlichen Teig, der sich durch das gesamte Buch zieht. Man muss ihn ertragen, um das Gute und Erfrischende genießen zu können.
4. Die Kapitalismuskritik treibt seltsame Blüten, zum Beispiel wenn Hodkinson Zukunft für ein kapitalistisches Konzept hält. Menschlich bist du nur komplett, wenn du dir über Vergangenheit, Gegenwart und eben auch Zukunft bewusst bist. Dass wir den Moment nicht vergessen dürfen, heißt aber nicht, alles andere beiseite zu lassen, sonst werden wir zu lebensuntüchtigen hedonistischen Monstern. Ich frage mich, ob Hodkinson sich die Zähne putzt. Wenn es nur um den Moment ginge, müsste ihm das ja egal sein.
February 18, 2012
Frankly, going by his definition, I well out-Idle Tom Hodgkinson, editor of The Idler magazine, as a parent, taken over the whole of my children's lifetimes - no well-thumbed and then renounced "Contented Little Baby"s for me. I have the 'luxury' of having it forced upon me. His description of nightly bath and enforcing an hour a day limit on computer time sound way too much like hard work to me.
He has obviously followed his own dictum and not worked too hard in writing this book. There are many contradictions (granted that many things have advantages and disadvantages - don't rear your children in a way that requires a lot of money and schools are horrible places but consider sending yours children to boarding school eg his alma mater Westminster School where they get good results in shorter term times) I suspect what actually happened was that he wrote the book as a series of articles. He relies too heavily on Rousseau, Locke and Jean Leidloff's The Continuum Concept and he has not apparently thought for one second about the mortality and morbidity rates in those settings. I couldn't help draw very close parallels between Leidloff's description of her unmotheredness and what he says about his own upbringing. However, it is his extensive approving reference to DH Lawrence's strictures on the proper rearing of the young (oh yes, that famous pater familias, I hear you cry) that really takes the biscuit.
I cannot forgive him for citing The Gruffalo as his prime example of a Bad Book, because, he says, it doesn't scan (what of my two year old learning how to identify 'fly 'garic' from the pictures? And yet when he praises The Famous Five. They have their merits as does everything he suggests but I feel his selection of what he deems the few suitable books for children smacks of fogeyism and nostalgia (especially combined with his fondness for Rousseau and Locke) And explicitly including *all* Lego in his cry of Ban Plastic toys?
These days a lot of what he has to say doesn't seem remarkably original, it captures the zeitgeist, lots about a simpler more outdoor life except insofar as he argues he is frank about his primary interest being the parents and especially their freeness to consume more alcohol and smoke cigarettes (he is probably being very disingenuous or he might be better described as a waster rather than an idler). He is positively rabid about the evils of work and capitalism, especially work for anyone other than oneself (I have not noticed the self-employed, taken as a group, having more time to relax and enjoy their children, far from it)
So that sounds as though I didn't like the book, when it was engaging and validating and worthwhile if to be taken with a 'yikes the snow is coming' quantity of salt. I particularly appreciated his reflection on the key difference between trendy newspaper columnist whining about being a parent and just whining about being a parent - that the former make a good living from whining, whilst there is no profit whatsoever for the latter. And I had a jolly good laugh at the idea of combining nightly family dishwashing with a singalong.
He has obviously followed his own dictum and not worked too hard in writing this book. There are many contradictions (granted that many things have advantages and disadvantages - don't rear your children in a way that requires a lot of money and schools are horrible places but consider sending yours children to boarding school eg his alma mater Westminster School where they get good results in shorter term times) I suspect what actually happened was that he wrote the book as a series of articles. He relies too heavily on Rousseau, Locke and Jean Leidloff's The Continuum Concept and he has not apparently thought for one second about the mortality and morbidity rates in those settings. I couldn't help draw very close parallels between Leidloff's description of her unmotheredness and what he says about his own upbringing. However, it is his extensive approving reference to DH Lawrence's strictures on the proper rearing of the young (oh yes, that famous pater familias, I hear you cry) that really takes the biscuit.
I cannot forgive him for citing The Gruffalo as his prime example of a Bad Book, because, he says, it doesn't scan (what of my two year old learning how to identify 'fly 'garic' from the pictures? And yet when he praises The Famous Five. They have their merits as does everything he suggests but I feel his selection of what he deems the few suitable books for children smacks of fogeyism and nostalgia (especially combined with his fondness for Rousseau and Locke) And explicitly including *all* Lego in his cry of Ban Plastic toys?
These days a lot of what he has to say doesn't seem remarkably original, it captures the zeitgeist, lots about a simpler more outdoor life except insofar as he argues he is frank about his primary interest being the parents and especially their freeness to consume more alcohol and smoke cigarettes (he is probably being very disingenuous or he might be better described as a waster rather than an idler). He is positively rabid about the evils of work and capitalism, especially work for anyone other than oneself (I have not noticed the self-employed, taken as a group, having more time to relax and enjoy their children, far from it)
So that sounds as though I didn't like the book, when it was engaging and validating and worthwhile if to be taken with a 'yikes the snow is coming' quantity of salt. I particularly appreciated his reflection on the key difference between trendy newspaper columnist whining about being a parent and just whining about being a parent - that the former make a good living from whining, whilst there is no profit whatsoever for the latter. And I had a jolly good laugh at the idea of combining nightly family dishwashing with a singalong.
May 8, 2018
Tohle je "revenge kritika". The Idle Parent (česky zavádějící Líný rodič) jsem dočetl v době, kdy jsem se poprvé připojil na Goodreads a tehdy jsem nenapsal recenzi. Teď mě ale tak pobouřila recenze Quanti 😈, že jsem se svůj dojem rozhodl dopsat.
Za mne jednoznačný - pokud bych měl současným rodičům doporučit jedinou knihu, tak by to byl právě The Idle Parent. Je to kniha, která má vizi, umožní vám nad rodičovstvím zapřemýšlet a inspirovat se. Nemusí vám to vyhovovat a můžete s tím nesouhlasit. Je to jako s filozofií - někdo má rád Platóna, někdo Aristotela. Ale je dobré znát obojí a udělat si vlastní názor, ne jen něco šmahem odmítnou.
(Vsuvka: Kdybych měl doporučit TOP 3 rodičovské knihy, tak by to dále bylo 2) Respektovat a být respektován a 3) Free-Range Kids.)
Že nějaká kniha pro vás má hodnotu, poznáte buď s odstupem po znovu-přečtení, anebo pokud si po letech projdete poznámky a dali byste za ně (pořád) ruku do ohně. U The Idle Parent jsem si těch poznámek udělal na 150 a když jsem je včera všechny(!) pročetl, musím říct: "Bravo, Tome! Pěkně's to sepsal."
Co Tom Hodgkinson radí, je vychovávat samostatné, zodpovědně děti, s neomezenou kreativitou. Ano, kupa hraček a hodně televize mrzačí kreativitu a fantazii (což nemusí být vidět, dokud nemáte srovnání). Mimochodem, to je důvod, proč si lidé chtějí prvně přečíst knihu, než uvidí film - je to dáno neuro-psychologickou podstatou lidského vnímání (viz třeba Thinking, Fast and Slow, Influence a další).
Autorův styl vám nemusí sedět. Nevím, jak je na tom český překlad, ale v originálu to jiskří mým oblíbeným britským humorem a satirou (což pár politicky korektních recenzentů úplně nepobralo). Tady taky může tkvět určitý problém - některé věci nejsou bez kontextu přenositelné, tj. pokud nerozumíte některým britským reáliím, nemusí vám to úplně dávat smysl. Ale není to nic, co by oslabovalo hlavní poselství.
Za mne jednoznačný - pokud bych měl současným rodičům doporučit jedinou knihu, tak by to byl právě The Idle Parent. Je to kniha, která má vizi, umožní vám nad rodičovstvím zapřemýšlet a inspirovat se. Nemusí vám to vyhovovat a můžete s tím nesouhlasit. Je to jako s filozofií - někdo má rád Platóna, někdo Aristotela. Ale je dobré znát obojí a udělat si vlastní názor, ne jen něco šmahem odmítnou.
(Vsuvka: Kdybych měl doporučit TOP 3 rodičovské knihy, tak by to dále bylo 2) Respektovat a být respektován a 3) Free-Range Kids.)
Že nějaká kniha pro vás má hodnotu, poznáte buď s odstupem po znovu-přečtení, anebo pokud si po letech projdete poznámky a dali byste za ně (pořád) ruku do ohně. U The Idle Parent jsem si těch poznámek udělal na 150 a když jsem je včera všechny(!) pročetl, musím říct: "Bravo, Tome! Pěkně's to sepsal."
Co Tom Hodgkinson radí, je vychovávat samostatné, zodpovědně děti, s neomezenou kreativitou. Ano, kupa hraček a hodně televize mrzačí kreativitu a fantazii (což nemusí být vidět, dokud nemáte srovnání). Mimochodem, to je důvod, proč si lidé chtějí prvně přečíst knihu, než uvidí film - je to dáno neuro-psychologickou podstatou lidského vnímání (viz třeba Thinking, Fast and Slow, Influence a další).
Autorův styl vám nemusí sedět. Nevím, jak je na tom český překlad, ale v originálu to jiskří mým oblíbeným britským humorem a satirou (což pár politicky korektních recenzentů úplně nepobralo). Tady taky může tkvět určitý problém - některé věci nejsou bez kontextu přenositelné, tj. pokud nerozumíte některým britským reáliím, nemusí vám to úplně dávat smysl. Ale není to nic, co by oslabovalo hlavní poselství.
"Paradoxically, the idle parent is a responsible parent because at the heart of idle parenting is respect for the child, trust in another human being."
December 29, 2011
How nice to be given permission to chill out a little as a parent. We are conditioned to believe that if we are not providing non-stop activities and entertainment for our kids (and loving it) we are failing as parents. But I agree that it's good for kids to be bored sometimes; then they invent their own games. You don't have to be their 24/7 playmate.
I was nodding at all the basic premises of the book: leave your kids alone more so they can exercise their own creativity, work together at home, make sure they play outside, don't let them watch a lot of TV, they don't need a ton of toys to be happy. Instead of going on expensive and stressful vacations, take a family hike or just spend time at home playing simple games with your children and generally enjoying their company. One of the best things you can do for your kids is to be happy (and may I add, in love with their other parent.) Neglecting basic care of yourself (sleep, exercise, etc) in favor of trying to be a "good" parent paradoxically hurts your ability to parent well.
I found that I could forgive the over-the-top lazy parenting style advocated in the book (i.e: drinking and lying in bed until noon) because I saw through it as a shock tactic and a way to compensate for the fact that Hodgkinson isn't an expert of anything so he had to have something really radical to say or no one would read this book.
It was his condescending and judgmental style of writing that caused me to give it 4 stars instead of 5. That, and the fact that he didn't seem to live in the same world as the rest of us: most of us do work for "the man" and live under "the system" and actually find ways to enjoy ourselves in spite of it! Not to mention his odd fixation on drinking and the niggling feeling that the guy was a huge hypocrite.
That said, I believe that any book that causes me to re-examine my own parenting style and solidify my beliefs about the best way to parent is a good one - even if I don't agree with all of it.
I was nodding at all the basic premises of the book: leave your kids alone more so they can exercise their own creativity, work together at home, make sure they play outside, don't let them watch a lot of TV, they don't need a ton of toys to be happy. Instead of going on expensive and stressful vacations, take a family hike or just spend time at home playing simple games with your children and generally enjoying their company. One of the best things you can do for your kids is to be happy (and may I add, in love with their other parent.) Neglecting basic care of yourself (sleep, exercise, etc) in favor of trying to be a "good" parent paradoxically hurts your ability to parent well.
I found that I could forgive the over-the-top lazy parenting style advocated in the book (i.e: drinking and lying in bed until noon) because I saw through it as a shock tactic and a way to compensate for the fact that Hodgkinson isn't an expert of anything so he had to have something really radical to say or no one would read this book.
It was his condescending and judgmental style of writing that caused me to give it 4 stars instead of 5. That, and the fact that he didn't seem to live in the same world as the rest of us: most of us do work for "the man" and live under "the system" and actually find ways to enjoy ourselves in spite of it! Not to mention his odd fixation on drinking and the niggling feeling that the guy was a huge hypocrite.
That said, I believe that any book that causes me to re-examine my own parenting style and solidify my beliefs about the best way to parent is a good one - even if I don't agree with all of it.
October 26, 2010
Okay, I confess. I read only half of this book. I fall into the same group as many other reviewers--I both liked and disliked this book.
I loved the premise of the book: let your kids be kids. Let them play in unstructured environments, let them run around outside, turn off the TV, expect them to contribute to the household (in appropriate ways), rely on/support other family members and friends to share the big task of raising kids, etc.
But, I also often found his lofty applications of his philosophy to be impractical and uninteresting (e.g., Why should my husband give up a good job that he enjoys to take a lower-paying, less time intensive job so he can spend time home schooling kids who love going to school?), and sometimes bordering on irresponsible. And if he still needs to drink as much and as often as he says, his plan is not working for him as well as he thinks. The book is written with a slightly satirical, snarky tone that is anti-capitalist, anti-corporate, anti-establishment, which quickly became tiresome as it ran to extremes. His ranting is punctuated by very long, stuffy quotes from scholars like Plato and Locke espousing parenting advice he likes. It was a weird combination for me, and I don't know why I should consider Plato to be knowledgeable about guiding a child through our computer-based, fast-paced society.
Good premise--keep your kids free and away from too many toys and too much TV and stop coddling them!--but just not written in a way I enjoyed or found truly relevant to my world. I think, however, that for the right audience this would be a funny and cheering view of parenting.
I loved the premise of the book: let your kids be kids. Let them play in unstructured environments, let them run around outside, turn off the TV, expect them to contribute to the household (in appropriate ways), rely on/support other family members and friends to share the big task of raising kids, etc.
But, I also often found his lofty applications of his philosophy to be impractical and uninteresting (e.g., Why should my husband give up a good job that he enjoys to take a lower-paying, less time intensive job so he can spend time home schooling kids who love going to school?), and sometimes bordering on irresponsible. And if he still needs to drink as much and as often as he says, his plan is not working for him as well as he thinks. The book is written with a slightly satirical, snarky tone that is anti-capitalist, anti-corporate, anti-establishment, which quickly became tiresome as it ran to extremes. His ranting is punctuated by very long, stuffy quotes from scholars like Plato and Locke espousing parenting advice he likes. It was a weird combination for me, and I don't know why I should consider Plato to be knowledgeable about guiding a child through our computer-based, fast-paced society.
Good premise--keep your kids free and away from too many toys and too much TV and stop coddling them!--but just not written in a way I enjoyed or found truly relevant to my world. I think, however, that for the right audience this would be a funny and cheering view of parenting.
December 27, 2013
First off, read the book to the end. I think many of the previous reviews by people who couldn't bring themselves to finish the book may have changed their minds if they could power through a little longer.
In the early chapters, this book sounds pretty ridiculous. The author appears to be condoning honest laziness. He gives the impression that his take on parenting is literally kicking your feet up and doing nothing for your kids. When you get a little further in, the truth is revealed. The author is promoting doing nothing FOR your kids, but spending plenty of time in useful, positive interactions. Perhaps, for example, living with less and consuming less will lead to more happiness in life as you won't have to work so hard. The most meaningful interactions could come from simply doing chores together. He believes kids are meant to run wild and free, playing in great packs as they did in older days, which leaves parents more free to be an example of a positive adulthood. It's good for kids to see parents reading a book, working on a craft, building, and enjoying life in general. Kids will be inspired to do the same in their own lives and may even ask to be included.
The whole concept seems a blend of unschooling, Waldorf education (he calls it a Steiner education, but same person and concept), Montessori, and Charlotte Mason. Whether you choose to educate your child at home or in a school, there are some great tips for keeping a great, relaxing, happy home life.
In the early chapters, this book sounds pretty ridiculous. The author appears to be condoning honest laziness. He gives the impression that his take on parenting is literally kicking your feet up and doing nothing for your kids. When you get a little further in, the truth is revealed. The author is promoting doing nothing FOR your kids, but spending plenty of time in useful, positive interactions. Perhaps, for example, living with less and consuming less will lead to more happiness in life as you won't have to work so hard. The most meaningful interactions could come from simply doing chores together. He believes kids are meant to run wild and free, playing in great packs as they did in older days, which leaves parents more free to be an example of a positive adulthood. It's good for kids to see parents reading a book, working on a craft, building, and enjoying life in general. Kids will be inspired to do the same in their own lives and may even ask to be included.
The whole concept seems a blend of unschooling, Waldorf education (he calls it a Steiner education, but same person and concept), Montessori, and Charlotte Mason. Whether you choose to educate your child at home or in a school, there are some great tips for keeping a great, relaxing, happy home life.
February 3, 2011
How lovely to read a book that actually makes you feel like you are doing the right thing by leaving your kids to their own devices and lounging on the sofa to read. With Blackhawk parenting run amok, it is a relief to have found a champion for a more hands-off school of parenting. Hodgkinson does offer an interesting examination of how such parenting is ultimately linked to the corporate capitalism. And how many contemporary parenting books quote Locke, Rousseau and DH Lawrence at length? However, Hodgkinson's heavy reliance on Locke, Rousseau and Lawrence suffers from a lack of critical analysis, often coming across as knee-jerk romanticism rather than trenchant social commentary. And his determination to blame the Reformation for all of our social woes is comical at times. (Medieval Europe may not have been as dark as we like to think, but let's not get carried away and mistake it for a child's utopia.) Hodgkinson's attitude is a bit flip for my taste (especially his attitude toward alcohol in parenting, but I am after all a product of Hodgkinson's dreaded Reformation and its Puritanical travesties!). All the same, some idleness is definitely in order - especially in our parenting. While I may not be so sure of Hodgkinson's flip tone or historical analysis, his ideas are certainly worth consideration and -to some extent- implementation.
September 1, 2010
Maybe 2 stars is too harsh, but I hated to give it 3. I found that the entire time I was reading the book I was making a mental tally in my head of Things I'd Say Amen To versus Things That are Absolutely Ridiculous. The book is not very well researched, other than the author dusting off a few old philosophers' work. There just aren't many facts behind his claims. Much of the book seemed contradictory to me: He lauds laying on the couch with a beer and leaving the kids alone to find things to do, and yet he has high praises for homeschooling, which I'm sure is a lot more labor-intensive than he'd like to think.
I definitely agree with the general premise of the book-- sit back and give your kids a chance to be independent and creative without hovering over their every move; don't let screen time interfere with real life; don't overschedule; don't put your kids on a pedestal and toss all of your money and attention in their direction. I just didn't think the book was very well executed, and many of the examples fell flat for me.
I don't regret reading it by any means; it was worth my time. But I can only manage to give it 2 stars.
I definitely agree with the general premise of the book-- sit back and give your kids a chance to be independent and creative without hovering over their every move; don't let screen time interfere with real life; don't overschedule; don't put your kids on a pedestal and toss all of your money and attention in their direction. I just didn't think the book was very well executed, and many of the examples fell flat for me.
I don't regret reading it by any means; it was worth my time. But I can only manage to give it 2 stars.
December 14, 2022
This was… painful. Eventually I just started skimming, until I was skimming so fast I basically DNFed the awful thing. The obnoxious thing about this book is there is a fair amount of decent advice in it (leave kids to their own devices, spend time in nature, unplug the TV and computer, etc)… but it’s all muddled together with bad advice, contradictions, encouragement to drink copious amounts of alcohol, and anecdotes that seem to illustrate that the author dislikes his kids immensely. There’s no science here at all. None whatsoever. Just philosophy and personal experience. I finally realized that I don’t like the author and I don’t want my life to look anything like his. If I don’t want his life, why take his advice? Especially when he seems to hate his children and doesn’t seem to think he needs to control his temper.
For a similar philosophy without all the ranting and attempts at humor try ‘Hunt, Gather, Parent’ and ‘Simplicity Parenting.’ They’re much more organized and scientific and together they more or less cover all the good advice this book has to offer.
For a similar philosophy without all the ranting and attempts at humor try ‘Hunt, Gather, Parent’ and ‘Simplicity Parenting.’ They’re much more organized and scientific and together they more or less cover all the good advice this book has to offer.
November 19, 2019
This book is ridiculous. I like the premise of having your own life and giving kids more unstructured time to be kids... but then he loses me.
One of the central arguments - you (especially women) should not work / “become corporate slaves” because you’re just doing it to afford the newest toy for your kid. Just don’t buy the toy, and you won’t need to work! You should be spending that quality time with your kid instead. HOWEVER, Mothers should also not be stay at home moms, because then they are overmothering their children. They should spend less time with their kids to not suffocate them and resent them. But don’t work and be a corporate slave! But also pull your kids out of school and homeschool them.
The hypocrisy, blatant contradictions, and fact that this is so out-of-touch with so many people’s situation is shocking. Couldn’t finish it.
One of the central arguments - you (especially women) should not work / “become corporate slaves” because you’re just doing it to afford the newest toy for your kid. Just don’t buy the toy, and you won’t need to work! You should be spending that quality time with your kid instead. HOWEVER, Mothers should also not be stay at home moms, because then they are overmothering their children. They should spend less time with their kids to not suffocate them and resent them. But don’t work and be a corporate slave! But also pull your kids out of school and homeschool them.
The hypocrisy, blatant contradictions, and fact that this is so out-of-touch with so many people’s situation is shocking. Couldn’t finish it.
February 20, 2023
This is definitely a marmite “love it or hate it” book, depending on the kind of lifestyle you want to have.
That’s because it’s not really about parenting per se - it doesn’t have tips, techniques or strategies. It’s about creating a certain kind of family life and family culture - not how to create a family culture in general, but how to recreate the author’s own family culture and values.
If you’ve ever said “I could redecorate/bake/do the garden/whatever myself, but think how much more I’d earn if I hire someone else so I can work more” or “I’m worried my four year old is behind because I haven’t got him in XYZ activity yet” - it’s unlikely you’re the target audience. Save your money and give it a miss.
The main foundation of the Idle Parent is that you work as little as possible, relax, enjoy your children and life, spend time at home pottering about growing food, sewing, making things with wood, raising chickens and baking bread, let the children play and help out and be outdoors, live frugally by avoiding shopping or spending money on entertainment, and lie in hammocks drinking beer at every opportunity.
Personally, I enjoyed the book more than any other parenting book I’ve read - it’s funny and I was pretty much nodding in agreement at every chapter (except the one on schooling, the less said about that the better!).
In amongst the jokes about neglecting your children to bunk off and drink are serious and lovely pieces of wisdom. Hodgkinson refreshingly advises against hard work, overparenting, overscheduling our kids or worrying about the future at all. “We simply want to enjoy our lives and for our children to enjoy their childhood” he says. Amen to that.
That’s because it’s not really about parenting per se - it doesn’t have tips, techniques or strategies. It’s about creating a certain kind of family life and family culture - not how to create a family culture in general, but how to recreate the author’s own family culture and values.
If you’ve ever said “I could redecorate/bake/do the garden/whatever myself, but think how much more I’d earn if I hire someone else so I can work more” or “I’m worried my four year old is behind because I haven’t got him in XYZ activity yet” - it’s unlikely you’re the target audience. Save your money and give it a miss.
The main foundation of the Idle Parent is that you work as little as possible, relax, enjoy your children and life, spend time at home pottering about growing food, sewing, making things with wood, raising chickens and baking bread, let the children play and help out and be outdoors, live frugally by avoiding shopping or spending money on entertainment, and lie in hammocks drinking beer at every opportunity.
Personally, I enjoyed the book more than any other parenting book I’ve read - it’s funny and I was pretty much nodding in agreement at every chapter (except the one on schooling, the less said about that the better!).
In amongst the jokes about neglecting your children to bunk off and drink are serious and lovely pieces of wisdom. Hodgkinson refreshingly advises against hard work, overparenting, overscheduling our kids or worrying about the future at all. “We simply want to enjoy our lives and for our children to enjoy their childhood” he says. Amen to that.
October 29, 2019
This book is unique, a breath of fresh air, a hybrid of philosophy and parenting guidance.
The book's writer is a beer-loving, leisure magazine-editing, enlightened Englishman who lives on a farm in Devon with his family. I'm a full-time breadwinner, a corporate peon living and working in a smallish city in midwestern USA, trying to get my family's poop in a group a few weeks ahead of bringing home baby #2.
This was exactly the reassurance-cum-conviction I didn't know I needed. In short: stop trying so hard, parents. Kids got this. You do you. It's for the best. If you exemplify misery and striving, it's bad for your kiddos and yourself. If you exemplify satisfaction and capability, how much better off your family will be, even after you're gone. All suffering comes from attachment, right, and much more peace from enjoying the salt of the earth before you. The "small" things, a weird euphemism for non-commercial but vital things. Pets, games, leisure, homemade food, laughter, simple music and books and nature. The cheaper the better.
The book's writer is a beer-loving, leisure magazine-editing, enlightened Englishman who lives on a farm in Devon with his family. I'm a full-time breadwinner, a corporate peon living and working in a smallish city in midwestern USA, trying to get my family's poop in a group a few weeks ahead of bringing home baby #2.
This was exactly the reassurance-cum-conviction I didn't know I needed. In short: stop trying so hard, parents. Kids got this. You do you. It's for the best. If you exemplify misery and striving, it's bad for your kiddos and yourself. If you exemplify satisfaction and capability, how much better off your family will be, even after you're gone. All suffering comes from attachment, right, and much more peace from enjoying the salt of the earth before you. The "small" things, a weird euphemism for non-commercial but vital things. Pets, games, leisure, homemade food, laughter, simple music and books and nature. The cheaper the better.
April 26, 2024
I love this book! I enjoyed every chapter of it. I honestly relate to the philosophy of the author because my parents have used many of the same practices and haven't been crazy about my and my siblings' future. We as a family truly love our life in the 'now' and try to be the best we can with what we have while enjoying each other's company. Tom does the same with such ease and sweet humor while writing this book. I don't agree with everything written down but I admire the spirit so I recommend it to anyone who wants to read a book about parenthood beyond the hustle culture and the American idea of creating the best life for your kid. Just enjoy yourself and life and you will bring up amazing kids who have confidence and a sense of belonging on this earth. : )
December 15, 2018
The rare parenting book that actually makes me excited about having kids. Something's rotten in the state of American parenting, and it could just be the idea of "parenting" itself.
August 19, 2022
Sehr unterhaltsam und einige gute Ideen, wie man sich das Leben mit Kindern einfacher gestalten kann.
June 1, 2023
A very interesting book. There are certainly some pearls of wisdom within. Some of these, I have accidentally stumbled on after raising 5 kids and being a parent for the last 20 years. Other concepts were new to me and I accepted them with an open mind. As a military veteran, I feel I am a bit too regimented to embrace all concepts in this book. All in all though, it was a pretty good read.
November 26, 2012
At first I wondered where this book would go - it sets out in a blokey kind of way extolling the merits of "lie-on-the-couch-and-do-nothing" parenting; but every now and then a gem would be dropped in that kept me reading, so perhaps it was a gimmick to reel in the readers!
Because this book is really a hymn to a simple sort of family life - one where the members make their own entertainment, shut off or get rid of the screens, keep animals, sing, dance, play, garden, cook and read together.
It inspires parents to let their children have a free, play-filled childhood without too many structured activities, outings, schooling and early childhood education; it rightly points out that children love to work and play alongside us and imitate what we do - this is delight to a small child for whom work and play are one.
And it is saying that family life will be a lot cheaper, more relaxing and fulfilling for us parents when we live a simpler life with our children.
A very enjoyable and inspiring read I thought.
Because this book is really a hymn to a simple sort of family life - one where the members make their own entertainment, shut off or get rid of the screens, keep animals, sing, dance, play, garden, cook and read together.
It inspires parents to let their children have a free, play-filled childhood without too many structured activities, outings, schooling and early childhood education; it rightly points out that children love to work and play alongside us and imitate what we do - this is delight to a small child for whom work and play are one.
And it is saying that family life will be a lot cheaper, more relaxing and fulfilling for us parents when we live a simpler life with our children.
A very enjoyable and inspiring read I thought.
December 24, 2014
As told in the excellent movie The Gods Must Be Crazy, among the San people of the Kalarahi desert, "nobody would dream of disciplining a child, or even speaking harshly to it". In a natural setting, there's simply no need for parenting as we know it. Our complex modern society has removed us from nature so far that 'parent' must be a full time occupation. That's not what this book says, of course, just my opinion - I'll expand on it in a future blog post, so if you're into that kind of thing then keep your eyes open, otherwise close them or look away.
Basically, parents should be doing a lot less parenting. According to the author, they should be doing that so they can spend more time drinking, but if you're not into drinking you can probably do other stuff too. Children will generally raise themselves, you just need to be there.
Basically, parents should be doing a lot less parenting. According to the author, they should be doing that so they can spend more time drinking, but if you're not into drinking you can probably do other stuff too. Children will generally raise themselves, you just need to be there.
July 27, 2020
This book poses an interesting and welcome idea of parenting. John and I have stumbled upon most of this in our own parenting process. We do not do things with the hope that the kids will have fun: this kind of activity sets everyone up for disappointment. We want the kids to be self-sufficient. We almost never buy toys.
My big stumbling block with this book is that I could not get past all the unconscious privilege that seeps from each and every part of the advice given. It's one thing for middle-class white people to behave let their kids run wild, but if people of color do the same thing it would be met with nothing but judgement and worse.
I created a Pandora radio station based on the songs and artists mentioned in this book. You can listen to it here: https://pandora.app.link/aN8fP48lm8
My big stumbling block with this book is that I could not get past all the unconscious privilege that seeps from each and every part of the advice given. It's one thing for middle-class white people to behave let their kids run wild, but if people of color do the same thing it would be met with nothing but judgement and worse.
I created a Pandora radio station based on the songs and artists mentioned in this book. You can listen to it here: https://pandora.app.link/aN8fP48lm8
May 6, 2018
Tak tohle bylo možná zklamání roku - přečtěte si anotaci a budete vědět, co chtěl autor říct, a nemusíte plýtvat časem na zbývající honění ega. S některými věcmi přímo nesouhlasím, třeba moje dětství obsahovalo poměrně hodně hraček (i plastových) a taky televize, a přesto jsem byla velmi kreativní a zpětně žasnu, co všechno jsem neustále vyráběla a vytvářela. No a pár věcí je tak triviálních... opravdu o nic nepřijdete, když si to nepřečtete. Ale zapojila jsem si tuhle knížku do takové malé osobní výzvy, kdy jsem synchronizovala progress ve třech eboocích zároveň (cca po 5-15 procentech) a v tomhle módu mě to i docela bavilo, nebo spíš nestihlo tak naštvat :)
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