What do you think?
Rate this book
Brutalities: A Love Story
"Brutalities is electric with insight, riveted by its commitments—to love and bewilderment, to bearing witness—and utterly propulsive." —Leslie Jamison, author of The Empathy Exams
A searing, vivid memoir that investigates the dynamics of violence, power, desire, and a body pushed to the brink.
Quarantined in a southwestern desert city in the midst of her high-risk pregnancy, Margo Steines felt her life narrow around her growing body, compelling her to reckon with the violence entangled in its history. She was a professional dominatrix in New York City, a homestead farmer in a brutal relationship, a welder on a high-rise building crew, and a mixed martial arts enthusiast; each of her many lives brought a new perspective on how power and masculinity coalesce—and how far she could push her body toward the brink. With unflinching candor, Steines searches for the roots of her erstwhile attraction to pain while charting the complicated triumph of gentleness and love.
A searing, vivid memoir that investigates the dynamics of violence, power, desire, and a body pushed to the brink.
Quarantined in a southwestern desert city in the midst of her high-risk pregnancy, Margo Steines felt her life narrow around her growing body, compelling her to reckon with the violence entangled in its history. She was a professional dominatrix in New York City, a homestead farmer in a brutal relationship, a welder on a high-rise building crew, and a mixed martial arts enthusiast; each of her many lives brought a new perspective on how power and masculinity coalesce—and how far she could push her body toward the brink. With unflinching candor, Steines searches for the roots of her erstwhile attraction to pain while charting the complicated triumph of gentleness and love.
284 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 3, 2023
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 76 reviews
June 26, 2023
Extraordinary. These stories left me breathless. I found myself wincing and slack-jawed as much as I was moved to tears by the tenderness and vulnerability braided within even the most distressing moments in these pages.
It’s impossible to read about some of Steines’s experiences and not flinch… but even so, I found myself drawn further in, rather than turning away, with Steines’s voice gaining a deeper magnetism as I read. In a less accomplished writer’s hands, her decision to intersperse these chapters with her reflections on her high-risk pregnancy during the early days of the pandemic would have felt contrived or device-y. Not here. These scenes were welcome interludes, and absolutely necessary to the book’s momentum, gingerly ferrying readers along to the next part of the story. the running stitch weaving each part to the next. And as the book progresses, you see that these interludes are much more than that.
In short, I love this book. If you loved THE RULES DO NOT APPLY and/or LOVE ME BACK, this one’s for you. Fellow “messy memoir” girlies, get your hands on this asap.
P.S.,
here’s hoping everyone finds their N in the end
It’s impossible to read about some of Steines’s experiences and not flinch… but even so, I found myself drawn further in, rather than turning away, with Steines’s voice gaining a deeper magnetism as I read. In a less accomplished writer’s hands, her decision to intersperse these chapters with her reflections on her high-risk pregnancy during the early days of the pandemic would have felt contrived or device-y. Not here. These scenes were welcome interludes, and absolutely necessary to the book’s momentum, gingerly ferrying readers along to the next part of the story. the running stitch weaving each part to the next. And as the book progresses, you see that these interludes are much more than that.
In short, I love this book. If you loved THE RULES DO NOT APPLY and/or LOVE ME BACK, this one’s for you. Fellow “messy memoir” girlies, get your hands on this asap.
P.S.,
here’s hoping everyone finds their N in the end
August 7, 2023
I put off this review for significantly longer than I usually would’ve because I couldn’t really find the words to describe how I felt about this book. Perhaps I still can’t.
This is a wonderfully well-written memoir about the evolution of a woman that delves into the nature of violence (both good and bad). I loved this in the beginning for the prose and it’s unique focus, but I very quickly began dragging myself through it. I have so much appreciation for how this memoir is crafted—it’s so interesting to follow Steines through reflecting on her different careers/lifestyles and how they impacted her body & mind—especially so when these stories are juxtaposed with the process of caring for her body throughout pregnancy.
Unfortunately I found Steines’ desire violence off-putting, and I can’t really find the words to explain why. At one point during the book, Steines discusses how as a society we like to shy away from acknowledging violence, and maybe the problem I had with this read is that I DO want to shy away from acknowledging violence.
I also struggled with this book in a similar way to the way in which I struggled with Class by Stephanie Land. (Note here that I find it hard to critique memoirs & I never mean to attack the author personally.) I couldn’t root for the narrator because I found the ways she tortured her body & sometimes went to such lengths to seemingly prove herself to other people to be childish and upsetting. What made this even worse was that the pregnancy/modern chapters were also written from this childish, people-pleasing perspective—I would’ve loved to see some major inner growth! Unfortunately I still felt like the narrator was trying too hard to prove herself & also living solely within the orbit of the man she was with.
I don’t know. Lovely prose but it didn’t sit right with me.
This is a wonderfully well-written memoir about the evolution of a woman that delves into the nature of violence (both good and bad). I loved this in the beginning for the prose and it’s unique focus, but I very quickly began dragging myself through it. I have so much appreciation for how this memoir is crafted—it’s so interesting to follow Steines through reflecting on her different careers/lifestyles and how they impacted her body & mind—especially so when these stories are juxtaposed with the process of caring for her body throughout pregnancy.
Unfortunately I found Steines’ desire violence off-putting, and I can’t really find the words to explain why. At one point during the book, Steines discusses how as a society we like to shy away from acknowledging violence, and maybe the problem I had with this read is that I DO want to shy away from acknowledging violence.
I also struggled with this book in a similar way to the way in which I struggled with Class by Stephanie Land. (Note here that I find it hard to critique memoirs & I never mean to attack the author personally.) I couldn’t root for the narrator because I found the ways she tortured her body & sometimes went to such lengths to seemingly prove herself to other people to be childish and upsetting. What made this even worse was that the pregnancy/modern chapters were also written from this childish, people-pleasing perspective—I would’ve loved to see some major inner growth! Unfortunately I still felt like the narrator was trying too hard to prove herself & also living solely within the orbit of the man she was with.
I don’t know. Lovely prose but it didn’t sit right with me.
October 3, 2023
〝we fit easily because he was a solid object and i was water and there was nothing i could not shave myself around〞
★★★★.5
quarantined in a southwestern desert city in the midst of her high-risk pregnancy, steines felt her life narrow around her growing body, compelling her to reckon with the violence entangled in its history. she was a professional dominatrix in new york city, a homestead farmer in a brutal relationship, a welder on a high-rise building crew, and a mixed martial arts enthusiast; each of her many lives brought a new vantage point from which to see how power and masculinity coalesce―and how her body paid the price. with unflinching candor, steines searches for the roots of her erstwhile attraction to pain while charting the complicated triumph of tenderness and care.
I'm very easy to please when it comes to memoirs, especially when it's an audiobook narrated by the author but this was objectively amazing. I don't think you can really criticize a memoir. being able to write down and publish the hardest times of your life for the whole world to see is one of the bravest things you can do. because of this, going into a memoir, all I'm really looking for is to hear someone's story, be intrigued by it and maybe learn something or get inspired. reading this; all my hopes and expectations were exceeded with miles to spare.
firstly, it was really interesting hear about someone else's experience during the pandemic, especially with her being pregnant. during and right after the pandemic I think a lot of us, me included, didn't have the brain capacity to really think about anyone else's experience because we were focusing on surviving our own and when we had some time left over after that; we wanted to escape. now however, when everything's mostly back to normal, I'm interested in hearing different perspectives and others experiences and I found this to be a really interesting account especially surrounding the uncertainty and fear knowing you need medical attention in the near future and infection already being a concern before the pandemic came into play. since I worked in healthcare during the pandemic it was interesting to see our experiences centering the same building but still being completely different.
secondly, it was just truly inspiring to get a first hand account of a "normal" woman's personal growth. from finding herself in and through many vastly different careers, to exploring many ways of aesthetic expression, to learning to listen to and appreciate her body and the kind of love she wants and gives evolving right belong-side her the whole time. she evolves and grows in so many different aspects of life that anyone can pick this book up and find they're not alone in what they're going through. I'm not saying that her story is generic because it's anything but, I'm saying it's expansive. this contains so many lessons and I think it's truly beautiful that anyone reading this can take something different and important from it.
overall, this is a beautiful account of a woman learning through trial and error to love herself, others and how she wants to be loved back.
I can truly recommend this to anyone who enjoys a hard hitting memoir that you will continue thinking about for a long long time. I advise you to please check the trigger warnings first, storygraph is a great resource for this.
cawpile: 8.36
ig: @winterrainreads
★★★★.5
quarantined in a southwestern desert city in the midst of her high-risk pregnancy, steines felt her life narrow around her growing body, compelling her to reckon with the violence entangled in its history. she was a professional dominatrix in new york city, a homestead farmer in a brutal relationship, a welder on a high-rise building crew, and a mixed martial arts enthusiast; each of her many lives brought a new vantage point from which to see how power and masculinity coalesce―and how her body paid the price. with unflinching candor, steines searches for the roots of her erstwhile attraction to pain while charting the complicated triumph of tenderness and care.
I'm very easy to please when it comes to memoirs, especially when it's an audiobook narrated by the author but this was objectively amazing. I don't think you can really criticize a memoir. being able to write down and publish the hardest times of your life for the whole world to see is one of the bravest things you can do. because of this, going into a memoir, all I'm really looking for is to hear someone's story, be intrigued by it and maybe learn something or get inspired. reading this; all my hopes and expectations were exceeded with miles to spare.
firstly, it was really interesting hear about someone else's experience during the pandemic, especially with her being pregnant. during and right after the pandemic I think a lot of us, me included, didn't have the brain capacity to really think about anyone else's experience because we were focusing on surviving our own and when we had some time left over after that; we wanted to escape. now however, when everything's mostly back to normal, I'm interested in hearing different perspectives and others experiences and I found this to be a really interesting account especially surrounding the uncertainty and fear knowing you need medical attention in the near future and infection already being a concern before the pandemic came into play. since I worked in healthcare during the pandemic it was interesting to see our experiences centering the same building but still being completely different.
secondly, it was just truly inspiring to get a first hand account of a "normal" woman's personal growth. from finding herself in and through many vastly different careers, to exploring many ways of aesthetic expression, to learning to listen to and appreciate her body and the kind of love she wants and gives evolving right belong-side her the whole time. she evolves and grows in so many different aspects of life that anyone can pick this book up and find they're not alone in what they're going through. I'm not saying that her story is generic because it's anything but, I'm saying it's expansive. this contains so many lessons and I think it's truly beautiful that anyone reading this can take something different and important from it.
overall, this is a beautiful account of a woman learning through trial and error to love herself, others and how she wants to be loved back.
I can truly recommend this to anyone who enjoys a hard hitting memoir that you will continue thinking about for a long long time. I advise you to please check the trigger warnings first, storygraph is a great resource for this.
cawpile: 8.36
ig: @winterrainreads
Shelved as 'nope-dnf'
April 4, 2024DNF @ 54%
It's not that it's poorly written or inane. It's a thought-provoking memoir, one that showed me a way of thinking and being that was incredibly foreign to me. It just became a bit repetitive at this halfway point, and I didn't feel compelled to continue.
It's not that it's poorly written or inane. It's a thought-provoking memoir, one that showed me a way of thinking and being that was incredibly foreign to me. It just became a bit repetitive at this halfway point, and I didn't feel compelled to continue.
January 8, 2024
This is an exceptional memoir about this woman's different lived experiences around self-inflicted bodily harm (she was a teenage dominatrix, and a welder for high rise buildings, among other unique professions). The way this book is structured is totally ingenious-- if you yourself are working on an intimate novel or a memoir, I would grab this ASAP to see if you can parse how in the world Steines did it. I've never read anything like this book-- I suppose if Melissa Febos and Maggie Nelson had a love child, that might approximate the tender range inside this book. Take my word for it-- get a copy of this. It's truly one of a kind.
Read
April 25, 2024I have a new appreciation for pain
February 27, 2024
The author's life story told through her body's experiences, traumas, and victories. Beautifully written but repetitive. Could have done with out the animal abuse sections.
July 5, 2023
it's hard to find the words to review. just so much love and admiration for this author for putting it all out there. i had to take my time reading because of the intensity but also because of how much i could relate to parts of her story and her relationship with herself and her body. the timeline and various storylines/reporting were really engaging. perfect book i'll read anything she writes.
February 27, 2024
Absolutely brilliant memoir. One of the best books I’ve read in a while.
She writes about her life through the lens of the violence it has witnessed and produced which is such a powerful way to tell a person’s life story. Margo Steines writes about both the good forms of violence and the awful she has been subjected to.
The good being the small violences the body goes through while honing in on her desired physique, or the changes that come with a pregnancy. Or the scars that come with doing a tough but enjoyable job such as welding high rises. Or the violence that comes from entertainment such as watching her husband coach a UFC fighter.
The awful violences, which she makes clear are much more impactful on her lived experience, are often very difficult to listen to her describe. Such as many years of sexual abuse both done by her and done to her, sometimes consensual, often not. Or the many injuries that come about from self harm and drug abuse dealing with emotional distress. Or the violence inflicted upon animals deemed not important enough to live. Or witnessing another police killing on tv year after year.
But Steines is correct that even though she has gone through much more brutality than anyone deserves, she wouldn’t change a thing, because all of it, the good the bad and the awful, is what made her the person she is today and the one capable of writing this book. Which she is happy with.
She writes about her life through the lens of the violence it has witnessed and produced which is such a powerful way to tell a person’s life story. Margo Steines writes about both the good forms of violence and the awful she has been subjected to.
The good being the small violences the body goes through while honing in on her desired physique, or the changes that come with a pregnancy. Or the scars that come with doing a tough but enjoyable job such as welding high rises. Or the violence that comes from entertainment such as watching her husband coach a UFC fighter.
The awful violences, which she makes clear are much more impactful on her lived experience, are often very difficult to listen to her describe. Such as many years of sexual abuse both done by her and done to her, sometimes consensual, often not. Or the many injuries that come about from self harm and drug abuse dealing with emotional distress. Or the violence inflicted upon animals deemed not important enough to live. Or witnessing another police killing on tv year after year.
But Steines is correct that even though she has gone through much more brutality than anyone deserves, she wouldn’t change a thing, because all of it, the good the bad and the awful, is what made her the person she is today and the one capable of writing this book. Which she is happy with.
January 5, 2024
Phewf I mean I guess it’s in the name of this book huh? Really stunning and really intense!!!!
Read
February 27, 2024What I liked: I found steines’s toughness endearing—this small, very pretty girl just stepping up to the plate over and over for these insanely physically demanding challenges of all kinds. And there’s a no nonsense quality to her voice, too, that I liked. Also, it struck me that subject matter wise, this book deals with so much that’s out of the norm in literary circles, though perfectly normal elsewhere—UFC/MMA, metalworking, being a gym rat, being a hot girl… honestly the dominatrix part is the least of it! It was fun to be brought into so many of these spaces within the context of an essay. And the essay called brutalities—the parts about being in upstate NY on a farm in this very messed up relationship—they were so visceral and intense and smart. The second section of brutalities just totally gripped me; I felt like it was quite masterful. The writing on pain is compelling, and the persistent close focus on the body. I think I yelled at certain points imagining the intensity of what was described.
What I liked less: I didn’t find the present day pregnancy/pandemic thread to be an effective foil to all the essays. These sections didn’t pull their weight for me enough to recur as often as they did, and though they presented a foil of tenderness to the brutality I just wasn’t that compelled by them. Also, I think it’s hard to write as much as Steines does about your current significant other… there’s no distance and you have to idealize the person you’re with but it made him flat as a character. And there was something a little pick me in the sections about MMA related to him, or just overly laudatory for my taste. I also can get into watching UFC and find the violence of contact sports pretty intoxicating, and I liked the tender and caring aspects of the sport, but it felt a bit one note to me. Like Conor McGregor is a douche, Joe Rogan and all these people surrounding the sport are pretty iffy—I think a stronger essay might have wrestled with that. And/or… what about Ronda Rousey or other female fighters? There was just an adoration of masculinity at some points that I craved more investigation about. This book really circles questions of gender a LOT, but didn’t interrogate it as directly as I craved.
Related to that, I did have an impulse at times to want a bit more on steines’s childhood and family dynamics—she moved so easily into her background not offering an explanation for her attraction to violence, and I actually felt guilty initially for craving a trauma plot back story, but then there were lines like there was anger in my home growing up, and then a lot of pretty troubling family dynamics came very very fast in that final essay that seemed like totally new info that, had I known it sooner, might have made me read the rest differently. It just felt a little undigested. I liked how authoritatively she said that nothing in her past offered a satisfying explanation for some of her decisions, and i understood this thing of getting in over your head and things just picking up momentum… but there was a way all the family stuff at the end felt like it challenged that. Well, that will be her second book I imagine!!
What I liked less: I didn’t find the present day pregnancy/pandemic thread to be an effective foil to all the essays. These sections didn’t pull their weight for me enough to recur as often as they did, and though they presented a foil of tenderness to the brutality I just wasn’t that compelled by them. Also, I think it’s hard to write as much as Steines does about your current significant other… there’s no distance and you have to idealize the person you’re with but it made him flat as a character. And there was something a little pick me in the sections about MMA related to him, or just overly laudatory for my taste. I also can get into watching UFC and find the violence of contact sports pretty intoxicating, and I liked the tender and caring aspects of the sport, but it felt a bit one note to me. Like Conor McGregor is a douche, Joe Rogan and all these people surrounding the sport are pretty iffy—I think a stronger essay might have wrestled with that. And/or… what about Ronda Rousey or other female fighters? There was just an adoration of masculinity at some points that I craved more investigation about. This book really circles questions of gender a LOT, but didn’t interrogate it as directly as I craved.
Related to that, I did have an impulse at times to want a bit more on steines’s childhood and family dynamics—she moved so easily into her background not offering an explanation for her attraction to violence, and I actually felt guilty initially for craving a trauma plot back story, but then there were lines like there was anger in my home growing up, and then a lot of pretty troubling family dynamics came very very fast in that final essay that seemed like totally new info that, had I known it sooner, might have made me read the rest differently. It just felt a little undigested. I liked how authoritatively she said that nothing in her past offered a satisfying explanation for some of her decisions, and i understood this thing of getting in over your head and things just picking up momentum… but there was a way all the family stuff at the end felt like it challenged that. Well, that will be her second book I imagine!!
February 18, 2024
This life story through the lens of violence is beautifully written, but hard to stomach at times. ANd I know that's the point, but I don't think I completely agree with the point. Steines says of violence "Context and consent determine the value of such actions," but the argument only really feels valid in her discussion of martial arts, which unfortunately also happens to be the most boring section of the book. Her experiences with S&M, animal butchering, exercise all feel overwhelmingly negative. Her argument would be more convincing if she had delved into the positive aspects of these topics. I'm sure they exist even if they didn't exist for her.
Side note: I don't know if you can body check in writing but if you can Steines does. There is no need for us to know the circumference of your rib cage, and you don't need to explain that you haven't gained an ounce of fat during your pregnancy to cause your bra to be too tight, that it's just your ribs expanding. Some real ED shit going on in here.
Side note: I don't know if you can body check in writing but if you can Steines does. There is no need for us to know the circumference of your rib cage, and you don't need to explain that you haven't gained an ounce of fat during your pregnancy to cause your bra to be too tight, that it's just your ribs expanding. Some real ED shit going on in here.
November 28, 2023
very melissa febos-esque (a huge compliment)
an intriguing look in to violence, consensual and non-consensual
an intriguing look in to violence, consensual and non-consensual
January 27, 2024
Absolutely gorgeous prose, but damn this was hard to get through. The constant and relentless descriptions of seeking violence were so off-putting and left me feeling awful. Maybe that was the goal? I’m extra careful about how I rate memoirs, but this was just not it for me. I wish this author the best but I genuinely wish I’d never read this book.
January 5, 2024
One of the best and most powerful books I’ve read in quite some time. Beautiful writing that is uncomfortable, raw, and honest in all of the best ways. The title is a perfect one word summary. I hope to read much much more from this author.
December 17, 2023
This book seeped into me and inspired violent nightmares. It has made me probe deeper into my own mind during a time when all I’ve wanted is to numb myself. It is unflinching in its confrontationality and truth-seeking, and it is so beautifully descriptive and well-written that I felt jealous of Steines’ talent while reading.
March 30, 2024
This book is about pain, violence, killing of animals, illness. I did not like those parts at all. A chilling visceral feeling when you read or listen(author has a sultry voice). The author's ability to articulate feelings is incredible and I loved how she was able to look inward. She is highly intelligent.
November 21, 2023
Not sure why this made it to one of my must read lists. Am sorry for all she endured and a glad she found her way to the light she needed. Also glad another woman found her voice and is using it in this world, but the book itself wasn’t all that compelling for me.
March 9, 2024
Promising as it was in pondering on addictions and mental health issues, it ended with cheeky faith in love as a cure-it-all remedy and self-acceptance praise.
There seems to be a faint joy, or rather merriment, in telling the reader how beautiful and hot the author is, how privileged her parents were, how tough she can be, how strong her partner, and that's maybe part of the blissfully unaware boldness in american culture, that I, personally, soon find tiring.
Not really worth the time, imho.
There seems to be a faint joy, or rather merriment, in telling the reader how beautiful and hot the author is, how privileged her parents were, how tough she can be, how strong her partner, and that's maybe part of the blissfully unaware boldness in american culture, that I, personally, soon find tiring.
Not really worth the time, imho.
March 15, 2024
***Full disclosure: I know the author personally, having spent a year taking a class on writing pedagogy together during graduate school. This heightened my enjoyment of reading this collection, as I think back on conversations about her work and her interests that we had in class, around the graduate teaching office space we shared or elsewhere on campus. I also saw her do a reading in a cafe on 4th Avenue in Tucson that I feel like was an earlier draft of one of these stories, and seeing all of this come to fruition into a full book here is really lovely to behold. All that said, I do believe that I would have rated this the same had I not known Margo before picking up this book.***
//
This is a difficult book, as per the author’s note at the beginning, because of the topics it covers and the focused, unyieldingly truthful eye Steines brings to the stories of her life. It is a very visceral read, with a penetrating gaze directed at a subject which in many ways can seem taboo to look at and talk about, despite the fact that our world is replete with it—violence, pain, sickness, and the embodied experiences of human beings. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything like this, discussing the topic so intently. This exposed me to a new perspective on so many subjects that I can say confidently I hadn’t delved into in other books. I have never gone to this place in such a way before, never really explored this deeply.
The prose itself is taut, as can be expected with the title and subject matter of the book. Originally I think I had expected a Hemingway-esque or Carver-like brisk, short-clipped writing style (not sure why? Perhaps the gender stereotype of “manly” writing with the word “brutal”, or a pre-disposition to think of male authors when violence is involved ??? Something I need to unpack with myself later), but I was glad to find this wasn’t the case. In fact, it feels opposite of Hemingway’s “iceberg theory” writing — here every detail is fully out on display, in a way that makes the reader engage with these difficult subjects truthfully, something I really appreciated and admire. There are definitely sentences that came in a short burst like a sudden jab to the face, but I actually found that the best moments — where I would sit back and truly contemplate and feel the impact of the words on the page — often came in longer, more syntactically complex sentences. Steines also knew exactly when to abandon conventional grammar rules and give us a long list or sweeping combination of nouns without punctuation for effect, so that the pacing varied throughout. All of this kept the writing constantly fresh. The honesty and sincerity in which all of the experiences are described is powerful, and must have taken a great deal of strength on the part of the author to put them on the page for others to read.
Details are king here, and I can visualize so much of what happened because of this attention to detail. The settings were important and came alive—it felt like Tucson in a way that Tucson has always felt like a home to me (having lived there the longest in my adult life) and this was comforting…but her descriptions of an upstate New York farm or especially the glimpses at NYC in the 90s made me feel like I’d been there too, despite the fact that my first time visiting New York was in 2021. The handling of time was also meticulously thought out as we moved back and forth between her teenage years, 20s/young adulthood, and the 30s/more contemporary life. Steines maintains this movement without making the narrative feel all over the place or disjointed, and each moment is well situated within the overall pieces.
There is a deep interest in language here, in the particulars of the words we use to describe violence. In one of the essays we look specifically at the origins of the word violence, but throughout the book we also examine words like toughness, masculinity/femininity, sex workers, whore, strength and a whole host of others. As Steines puts it herself “language is clumsy and leaves great breaches of approximation between shifting and complicated truths”, so these explorations were fascinating to me. The linguist in me loved the way she challenged my perceptions of these words over and over again throughout this book, and made me examine what I brought to these words and what society has imposed on them.
I particularly enjoyed the moment in “In the Clinch (I)” where Steines looks at touch, and the ways men have and don’t have touch in their life, and its effects on women but also on the men themselves. It rang true with my own experience with touch, fraught with many negative associations, fears, and worries of every instance where any part of my body touches another’s. It was interesting to see it described from a female viewpoint. If there was one criticism I had, I wished to see more of this topic here or elsewhere in the collection. But maybe that’s due to the fact that for me, personally, this is a conversation I am constantly wanting to have (ie, discussing men and touch or lack of it and its effects), but never getting to. And also, asking a female writer to go into male touch more is probably not the way to have this conversation. I eagerly await the day when men talk to men about this more openly. Anyway.
I can—with some difficulty due to the fact they were all incredible—pick a favorite story of the collection: “Scales of Hardness”, because it seemed to tie together so many of the threads from other pieces together in one place. We had recollections from her new career in welding compared to her former sex work, discussions of (grossly reduced to single terms here in my review for brevity’s sake) pain, identity, and gender alongside definitions of the different terms for hardness/toughness of materials. But what I think further made it my favorite was how it highlighted the author’s realization of the softness in her. Combining this essay with the shorter essays much later in her life as she goes through pregnancy during the pandemic and discusses her love for her current partner highlights the journey she took to get to this point, elevating all of the stories in the collection. Seeing from brief glimpses online the joy she has gained in motherhood and the loving posts about her partner make this story just wonderful to behold, knowing where it ends. It is here where the subtitle “a love story” really comes to light most. The only way to end this review would be with one of the final paragraphs from that piece, which immediately grabbed me where I sat reading this:
“When we speak colloquially of hardness, toughness, and strength, we often conflate the three, but to pull apart the definitions is to understand that there are many ways to resist the forces of change and harm, and many circumstances in which one and not another is called for. I went to metal for the same reasons I went everywhere else: to try to rebuild myself as a creature impervious to damage. To live with the reality that I am made of a soft center, that I am delicate and sensitive and utterly available for harm at every moment of every day, was unbearable to me, and so I tried to disprove this fundamental fact of existence. I tried so hard until I had to admit to myself that it was impossible, that there is no way to be a human without being vulnerable to hurt. To be a soft thing was my greatest fear, and greatest shame, but it was true all along—the great awakening, for me, was not in becoming ever harder, tougher, stronger. It was, instead, in becoming brave enough to look my softness in the eye.”
//
This is a difficult book, as per the author’s note at the beginning, because of the topics it covers and the focused, unyieldingly truthful eye Steines brings to the stories of her life. It is a very visceral read, with a penetrating gaze directed at a subject which in many ways can seem taboo to look at and talk about, despite the fact that our world is replete with it—violence, pain, sickness, and the embodied experiences of human beings. I don’t think I’ve ever read anything like this, discussing the topic so intently. This exposed me to a new perspective on so many subjects that I can say confidently I hadn’t delved into in other books. I have never gone to this place in such a way before, never really explored this deeply.
The prose itself is taut, as can be expected with the title and subject matter of the book. Originally I think I had expected a Hemingway-esque or Carver-like brisk, short-clipped writing style (not sure why? Perhaps the gender stereotype of “manly” writing with the word “brutal”, or a pre-disposition to think of male authors when violence is involved ??? Something I need to unpack with myself later), but I was glad to find this wasn’t the case. In fact, it feels opposite of Hemingway’s “iceberg theory” writing — here every detail is fully out on display, in a way that makes the reader engage with these difficult subjects truthfully, something I really appreciated and admire. There are definitely sentences that came in a short burst like a sudden jab to the face, but I actually found that the best moments — where I would sit back and truly contemplate and feel the impact of the words on the page — often came in longer, more syntactically complex sentences. Steines also knew exactly when to abandon conventional grammar rules and give us a long list or sweeping combination of nouns without punctuation for effect, so that the pacing varied throughout. All of this kept the writing constantly fresh. The honesty and sincerity in which all of the experiences are described is powerful, and must have taken a great deal of strength on the part of the author to put them on the page for others to read.
Details are king here, and I can visualize so much of what happened because of this attention to detail. The settings were important and came alive—it felt like Tucson in a way that Tucson has always felt like a home to me (having lived there the longest in my adult life) and this was comforting…but her descriptions of an upstate New York farm or especially the glimpses at NYC in the 90s made me feel like I’d been there too, despite the fact that my first time visiting New York was in 2021. The handling of time was also meticulously thought out as we moved back and forth between her teenage years, 20s/young adulthood, and the 30s/more contemporary life. Steines maintains this movement without making the narrative feel all over the place or disjointed, and each moment is well situated within the overall pieces.
There is a deep interest in language here, in the particulars of the words we use to describe violence. In one of the essays we look specifically at the origins of the word violence, but throughout the book we also examine words like toughness, masculinity/femininity, sex workers, whore, strength and a whole host of others. As Steines puts it herself “language is clumsy and leaves great breaches of approximation between shifting and complicated truths”, so these explorations were fascinating to me. The linguist in me loved the way she challenged my perceptions of these words over and over again throughout this book, and made me examine what I brought to these words and what society has imposed on them.
I particularly enjoyed the moment in “In the Clinch (I)” where Steines looks at touch, and the ways men have and don’t have touch in their life, and its effects on women but also on the men themselves. It rang true with my own experience with touch, fraught with many negative associations, fears, and worries of every instance where any part of my body touches another’s. It was interesting to see it described from a female viewpoint. If there was one criticism I had, I wished to see more of this topic here or elsewhere in the collection. But maybe that’s due to the fact that for me, personally, this is a conversation I am constantly wanting to have (ie, discussing men and touch or lack of it and its effects), but never getting to. And also, asking a female writer to go into male touch more is probably not the way to have this conversation. I eagerly await the day when men talk to men about this more openly. Anyway.
I can—with some difficulty due to the fact they were all incredible—pick a favorite story of the collection: “Scales of Hardness”, because it seemed to tie together so many of the threads from other pieces together in one place. We had recollections from her new career in welding compared to her former sex work, discussions of (grossly reduced to single terms here in my review for brevity’s sake) pain, identity, and gender alongside definitions of the different terms for hardness/toughness of materials. But what I think further made it my favorite was how it highlighted the author’s realization of the softness in her. Combining this essay with the shorter essays much later in her life as she goes through pregnancy during the pandemic and discusses her love for her current partner highlights the journey she took to get to this point, elevating all of the stories in the collection. Seeing from brief glimpses online the joy she has gained in motherhood and the loving posts about her partner make this story just wonderful to behold, knowing where it ends. It is here where the subtitle “a love story” really comes to light most. The only way to end this review would be with one of the final paragraphs from that piece, which immediately grabbed me where I sat reading this:
“When we speak colloquially of hardness, toughness, and strength, we often conflate the three, but to pull apart the definitions is to understand that there are many ways to resist the forces of change and harm, and many circumstances in which one and not another is called for. I went to metal for the same reasons I went everywhere else: to try to rebuild myself as a creature impervious to damage. To live with the reality that I am made of a soft center, that I am delicate and sensitive and utterly available for harm at every moment of every day, was unbearable to me, and so I tried to disprove this fundamental fact of existence. I tried so hard until I had to admit to myself that it was impossible, that there is no way to be a human without being vulnerable to hurt. To be a soft thing was my greatest fear, and greatest shame, but it was true all along—the great awakening, for me, was not in becoming ever harder, tougher, stronger. It was, instead, in becoming brave enough to look my softness in the eye.”
February 4, 2024
I struggle in my response to the book because I found the author, clearly a talented writer, to be so profoundly narcissistic in her relentless obsession with self harm and violence that the book actually turned my stomach. I tried to stay open minded as I read of the evolution of her quest for pain, but in the end found little redeeming worth to her memoir. Having worked closely with traumatized incarcerated women who had been nearly killed through chronic violence, I wished Steines could have met those victims who might have offered her some insight into her mental state. Her sex work juxtaposed with her pregnancy offered no comfort, and I closed the book shaking my head over comments using descriptions such as “erotic” and “funny.” The unflinching candor left me feeling that the author might do better to face her self-centered (and frankly, boring) anecdotes as profound mental illness rather than an undiagnosed mystery. The prose was gorgeous, the story unbearable.
November 23, 2023
usually don’t go for memoirs but this one was incredibly interesting to read as a woman in an era of violence…
December 19, 2023
I don’t ever think I’ve read a book that made me feel so icky
September 22, 2023
Stunning. This is a raw, unflinching, and self-aware look at Steine's experiences with violence and pain throughout her life, contrasted with the gentle, nurturing love she finds later in adulthood and her resulting pandemic preganancy.
Throughout the book, Steines manages to capture the complexity of violence without proselytizing. As an animal welfare professional who's long grappled with the realities of cruelty toward and the death of animals, I particularly appreciated how Steines wove this topic into her discussion of violence without minimizing the impact it can have.
There was one quote at 57% that hit me like a punch to the gut and effectively summarized a feeling I often have. ""We are a culture of euphemism and sanitation, of chicken fingers, of nipple pasties, of boneless breasts. We too are a culture of violence, of feedlots, of rape, of roughness systematically applied to some while others clutch their pearls and say ""I can't watch that."" We lack hunger for truths about the violence we participate in. No one wants to watch the whipping scene in Roots. Nobody one wants to read exactly how Larry Nassar pushed his unwashed fingers inside childrens' vagina. Nobody wants to see the glistening organs of a freshly slaughtered pig. We want instead to cringe, to look away, and to affirm our humanity for doing so even as we claim ownership of land made fecund with slave labor, even as we settle into La-Z-Boy chairs to watch the thrilling performances of USA gymnastics, even as we contentedly wipe bacon grease off our chins.""
This book could have felt too dark without the balance of her love story with N. While the frequent jumping between story lines did feel a little jarring at times (I think listening to the audiobook may have exacerbated this issue), I'm not sure that there was a better way to accomplish what Steines did here. I left this difficult and graphic read feeling scraped raw but also ultimately hopeful and happy that Steines found love and happiness.
Huge thanks to NetGalley for this audiobook ARC.
Throughout the book, Steines manages to capture the complexity of violence without proselytizing. As an animal welfare professional who's long grappled with the realities of cruelty toward and the death of animals, I particularly appreciated how Steines wove this topic into her discussion of violence without minimizing the impact it can have.
There was one quote at 57% that hit me like a punch to the gut and effectively summarized a feeling I often have. ""We are a culture of euphemism and sanitation, of chicken fingers, of nipple pasties, of boneless breasts. We too are a culture of violence, of feedlots, of rape, of roughness systematically applied to some while others clutch their pearls and say ""I can't watch that."" We lack hunger for truths about the violence we participate in. No one wants to watch the whipping scene in Roots. Nobody one wants to read exactly how Larry Nassar pushed his unwashed fingers inside childrens' vagina. Nobody wants to see the glistening organs of a freshly slaughtered pig. We want instead to cringe, to look away, and to affirm our humanity for doing so even as we claim ownership of land made fecund with slave labor, even as we settle into La-Z-Boy chairs to watch the thrilling performances of USA gymnastics, even as we contentedly wipe bacon grease off our chins.""
This book could have felt too dark without the balance of her love story with N. While the frequent jumping between story lines did feel a little jarring at times (I think listening to the audiobook may have exacerbated this issue), I'm not sure that there was a better way to accomplish what Steines did here. I left this difficult and graphic read feeling scraped raw but also ultimately hopeful and happy that Steines found love and happiness.
Huge thanks to NetGalley for this audiobook ARC.
November 27, 2023
The opening chapters shocked me and gave me a sense of foreboding; I thought I might get really ill reading this memoir. Thankfully, although Steines's experiences often crossed over into the grotesque for me, her captivating writing never depicted body horror in a way that ruined me. While I cannot relate to most of her life choices, as a fellow "emotionally erratic woman who has had too much therapy and overthinks everything," I savored her self-reflection and insight, the analyses she makes about herself and others, in the way that only gifted writers can.
A natural life exhibit at Hayden Planetarium showed me how all life on earth is connected, that something as minute as symmetry connects me to a nautilus. These simple truths amaze me, and similarly, Steines, being so different from me as a human, can show me how similar we are even though there seems to be no commonality. She embraces/embraced violence, and I abhor it and spend my waking hours avoiding seeing, thinking about, or participating in it. She kind of made me look, and it enlightened me.
I listened to the audiobook at first, and it was dreadful. Fortunately, I was able to see that the book would be amazing if narrated without that monotone voice. I now have my own copy; I highly recommend the print version only! Steines's writing is gold, her life is pretty fascinating, and I'm so glad my friend (KW) put her copy into my hands and asked me to delve into the experiences of someone who has spent a lifetime managing compulsion.
A natural life exhibit at Hayden Planetarium showed me how all life on earth is connected, that something as minute as symmetry connects me to a nautilus. These simple truths amaze me, and similarly, Steines, being so different from me as a human, can show me how similar we are even though there seems to be no commonality. She embraces/embraced violence, and I abhor it and spend my waking hours avoiding seeing, thinking about, or participating in it. She kind of made me look, and it enlightened me.
I listened to the audiobook at first, and it was dreadful. Fortunately, I was able to see that the book would be amazing if narrated without that monotone voice. I now have my own copy; I highly recommend the print version only! Steines's writing is gold, her life is pretty fascinating, and I'm so glad my friend (KW) put her copy into my hands and asked me to delve into the experiences of someone who has spent a lifetime managing compulsion.
September 17, 2023
Margo Steines holds an MFA in creative nonfiction from the University of Arizona, where she teaches writing. She also has a personal history that would probably have destroyed a lesser person.
In her mid-teens, she would sneak out of her family’s New York apartment and work as a dominatrix. As the years progressed, she found that she also enjoyed receiving pain. (Or perhaps she did not enjoy the pain as much as she used it to manage her feelings.) And she bounced from compulsion to compulsion ... “bourbon, heroin, razor blades, credit cards, dangerous sex, face punching” and the list continues.
She also found that she wanted to be a part of challenging situations. While living in a violently abusive relationship, she learned to weld, got her union card, and worked the high iron as a journeyman ironworker.
Gradually, over many years, she was able to find a life that has both promise and peace, or at least a very good approximation of peace. This journey is at the heart of this memoir. As I began reading, I was appalled, then recognized some parallels to my own life, and then fervently hoped that her life would not come tumbling down.
This is a hard read but so very good. You need to be willing to go where you may well feel as if you are in uncharted waters. I suspect, though, you will eventually find that maybe things are not so unfamiliar as you hoped.
In her mid-teens, she would sneak out of her family’s New York apartment and work as a dominatrix. As the years progressed, she found that she also enjoyed receiving pain. (Or perhaps she did not enjoy the pain as much as she used it to manage her feelings.) And she bounced from compulsion to compulsion ... “bourbon, heroin, razor blades, credit cards, dangerous sex, face punching” and the list continues.
She also found that she wanted to be a part of challenging situations. While living in a violently abusive relationship, she learned to weld, got her union card, and worked the high iron as a journeyman ironworker.
Gradually, over many years, she was able to find a life that has both promise and peace, or at least a very good approximation of peace. This journey is at the heart of this memoir. As I began reading, I was appalled, then recognized some parallels to my own life, and then fervently hoped that her life would not come tumbling down.
This is a hard read but so very good. You need to be willing to go where you may well feel as if you are in uncharted waters. I suspect, though, you will eventually find that maybe things are not so unfamiliar as you hoped.
November 2, 2023
Read this BOOK! Margo pushes back against conventions of the genre by choosing not to moralize or pathologize her relationship with violence, but instead looks at it directly and asks the harder, more nuanced questions. Like what about the love and pleasure that can exist within roughness and pain? Or what about the violence that can exist inside the delicate daily maneuvers to anticipate and please the needs of a harsh man (like her ex, Dean)?
In the two-parts sections "In the Clinch" and "Brutalities," these questions are most eloquently explored, and I furiously underlined many sentences. In both the present day and past sections, Margo explores violence with a curious gaze and deep embodied understanding, which feels radical in a world where, as she writes: "refusing to look at certain spectacles, there can be moral cleanliness from violence" (In the Clinch (I), 156). Instead, she steps right into spectacle and the chaos, but also into the quieter, everyday violences that make up being a human in a body.
This was such a visceral book to read. I felt my body ache, squirm, tense, and relax in turn with the movements of her story. Take your time and go easy on yourself as you read. But I promise, it is worth it. I have already sent copies to the most important readers in my life and I suspect you will too!
In the two-parts sections "In the Clinch" and "Brutalities," these questions are most eloquently explored, and I furiously underlined many sentences. In both the present day and past sections, Margo explores violence with a curious gaze and deep embodied understanding, which feels radical in a world where, as she writes: "refusing to look at certain spectacles, there can be moral cleanliness from violence" (In the Clinch (I), 156). Instead, she steps right into spectacle and the chaos, but also into the quieter, everyday violences that make up being a human in a body.
This was such a visceral book to read. I felt my body ache, squirm, tense, and relax in turn with the movements of her story. Take your time and go easy on yourself as you read. But I promise, it is worth it. I have already sent copies to the most important readers in my life and I suspect you will too!
February 6, 2024
Wow, I did not expect to have the breath knocked out of me quite like this. The story of Margo's life sucks you in and forces you to attention. I devoured this memoir in one sitting and based on the number of reviews, I'm going to call this criminally underrated.
Steines recounts her experiences with addiction, raising pigs, MMA, steel working, pregnancy, and dominatrixing in New York City in vicious detail. Her relationship with pain, aka the brutalities of life, is on stunning display. Her depth of understanding in why she sought out pain reaches a level of self-awareness that most people only dream of.
I think any fan of Julia Fox's Down the Drain or Carmen Maria Machado's In the Dream House would adore the rawness of Steines story. There is a similar strength in vulnerability that all three of these writers possess in spades.
Steines recounts her experiences with addiction, raising pigs, MMA, steel working, pregnancy, and dominatrixing in New York City in vicious detail. Her relationship with pain, aka the brutalities of life, is on stunning display. Her depth of understanding in why she sought out pain reaches a level of self-awareness that most people only dream of.
I think any fan of Julia Fox's Down the Drain or Carmen Maria Machado's In the Dream House would adore the rawness of Steines story. There is a similar strength in vulnerability that all three of these writers possess in spades.
February 3, 2024
“The rage scares me so I often tamp it down reminding myself that many of these men were boys who were not taught the boundaries of other people’s bodies; that culture has told them they can have anything they grab but they must never show need that they may have no healthy outlet for touch in their lives.”
A beautiful, unique memoir about the author’s life reflections during her complicated pregnancy in early 2020. Steines tells her life story thematically more than chronologically as she recounts her experiences as a dominatrix, welder, farmer, MMA girlfriend, and writer. I found this book to be a fascinating expression of a modern American Dream where the pursuits of self-actualization in a violent and unpredictable world is a noble pursuit though often unachievable. Steines finds her own sense of inner peace after years of violence and violation and I appreciated how she shared her journey to get to it.
A beautiful, unique memoir about the author’s life reflections during her complicated pregnancy in early 2020. Steines tells her life story thematically more than chronologically as she recounts her experiences as a dominatrix, welder, farmer, MMA girlfriend, and writer. I found this book to be a fascinating expression of a modern American Dream where the pursuits of self-actualization in a violent and unpredictable world is a noble pursuit though often unachievable. Steines finds her own sense of inner peace after years of violence and violation and I appreciated how she shared her journey to get to it.
November 14, 2023
Steines' writing is lovely... which makes for a stark contrast with some of the rough subject matter. I love how the book jumps back and forth- both in time, but also in tone. Knowing from the get-go that she is pregnant (and has published a book) gives us hope that her younger self will be okay, which makes it easier to stomach the harsher elements of her story. We may not all have gone to the extremes she did, but I'm sure that many readers will identify with the feelings that led her there. I sure did. I also loved how academic and analytical she is toward the end of the book. It's like she has taken us deep into the microscopic view of her own life, and now she's pulling the camera back for a wide angle. And in that angle- she has some surprising conclusions.
Wonderful read- beautiful and painful and raw and real. I devoured it.
Also, the cover is perfect...
Wonderful read- beautiful and painful and raw and real. I devoured it.
Also, the cover is perfect...
Displaying 1 - 30 of 76 reviews