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You and Your Adult Child: How to Grow Together in Challenging Times
A “wonderfully innovative” (Jennifer Senior, New York Times bestseller All Joy and No Fun), much-needed guide for parents of people in their twenties and thirties from one of the world’s leading developmental psychologists.Your child is now an adult, but your job as a parent is far from over. Instead, your role must evolve to meet their ongoing, changing needs. But what exactly are these new needs? And why are they so different now than they were when you were a young adult? This is the first comprehensive guide written for parents whose children are in two of the most crucial decades of life. Steinberg discusses topics as various as whether you should be involved in your child’s college education, how to behave when they unexpectedly must move back home, how to state your opinion on their romantic partners, what to do when you disagree with the way they are raising their own child, and what parameters to apply if you want to give them money for a home or startup. He answers such challenging questions When do I express my opinion and when should I bite my tongue? How do I know if my son is floundering? Is it okay to help my daughter with her grad school application? What should I do if my kid is getting seriously involved with someone I think is dangerous? We have been helping our twenty-five-year-old financially for the last few years, but how long is too long? How can I help my adult child through a difficult psychological time? Leading psychologist Laurence Steinberg has devoted his forty-five-year career to researching parent-child relationships. Here, he provides some “must-read” (Martin Seligman, PhD, author of The Hope Circuit) principles to help parents with adult children think more intelligently about common issues, avoid minefields, weather the inevitable ups and downs, and create a stronger, happier, more effective bond with their child.
268 pages, Kindle Edition
Published April 18, 2023
About the author
Laurence Steinberg
61 books17 followersLaurence Steinberg is Professor of Psychology at Temple University. He is
Author of numerous books and regularly writes about education issues in
The New York Times and the Wall Street Journal.
Author of numerous books and regularly writes about education issues in
The New York Times and the Wall Street Journal.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 57 reviews
March 14, 2023
There are many parenting books out there but they are generally geared to the early years through adolescence. Job done? Not really and certainly not for everyone. Especially in our current age, parenting does not seem to end with the completion of school. Instead, parents seem to be ever more involved with and concerned about their children.
Worried about their job prospects? Relationships? Mental health issues? Are you estranged? Not sure what to say as you become a grandparent and watch your child parenting? These are the sorts of issues that keep parents on edge but not sure what to do. Should one parent their adult child (how is that for an oxymoron though the author explains why he chose it.) and intervene and, if so, how? For those who want some thoughtful assistance, here is one highly regarded author who wants to help.
As one example, someone I know found the advice on what to do if you are not so sure of your child’s romantic partner to be spot on and very helpful. Suddenly there was something to contemplate and/or do about a situation rather than spinning mentally.
The advice and vignettes in this book will be welcomed by readers. Those who are parents of twenty and thirty year olds will leave these pages feeling a bit more certain about how they want to proceed and when.
Many thanks to NetGalley and Simon & Schuster for this title. All opinions are my own.
Worried about their job prospects? Relationships? Mental health issues? Are you estranged? Not sure what to say as you become a grandparent and watch your child parenting? These are the sorts of issues that keep parents on edge but not sure what to do. Should one parent their adult child (how is that for an oxymoron though the author explains why he chose it.) and intervene and, if so, how? For those who want some thoughtful assistance, here is one highly regarded author who wants to help.
As one example, someone I know found the advice on what to do if you are not so sure of your child’s romantic partner to be spot on and very helpful. Suddenly there was something to contemplate and/or do about a situation rather than spinning mentally.
The advice and vignettes in this book will be welcomed by readers. Those who are parents of twenty and thirty year olds will leave these pages feeling a bit more certain about how they want to proceed and when.
Many thanks to NetGalley and Simon & Schuster for this title. All opinions are my own.
March 21, 2023
Practical and profound. You and Your Adult Child by Laurence Steinberg is a must read for parents!
With relatable stories and clinical nuance, Steinberg's book is a compelling analysis of the relationship between parents and children in their twenties and thirties. It guides readers through life stages and development, including mental health, education, finances, and relationships.
One of the best books, and only books, I've read that sheds light on this stage of parenting.
I definitely recommend purchasing and reading this book!
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Five STARS
With relatable stories and clinical nuance, Steinberg's book is a compelling analysis of the relationship between parents and children in their twenties and thirties. It guides readers through life stages and development, including mental health, education, finances, and relationships.
One of the best books, and only books, I've read that sheds light on this stage of parenting.
I definitely recommend purchasing and reading this book!
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Five STARS
August 24, 2023
great advice!
This book provides great advice on all the different phases of adult children’s lives. It is sometimes difficult or awkward when we don’t know how to talk to an adult child about an issue or opinion we have. This book gives examples and instruction on what to say and when to stay quiet. The stay quiet part may be the most important! I got some great tips. And I may refer to this book again.
This book provides great advice on all the different phases of adult children’s lives. It is sometimes difficult or awkward when we don’t know how to talk to an adult child about an issue or opinion we have. This book gives examples and instruction on what to say and when to stay quiet. The stay quiet part may be the most important! I got some great tips. And I may refer to this book again.
June 8, 2023
Basic. Recommend to the ignorant and/or oblivious parents in your world.
July 23, 2023
Today's parents are much more deeply enmeshed in the lives of their adult children than previous generations of parents were.
There is no question that the transition into adulthood is later and longer today than ever before.
Transition to adulthood now occurs five years later than a generation ago.
Young adults are more mature than teenagers but they are still not as mature as people in their late twenties.
You and your adult child may be coming at the issue of how often you communicate from different perspectives . This should stop you from concluding that something is amiss just becuase they don't call as often as you would like.
Our kids don't think about us nearly as much as we think about them.
Provide love, support and reassurance.
Try to minimize stresses your child's life.
Help your child manage stress.
With estrangement from an adult child, patience is a true virtue. Staying in touch periodically, without overdoing it, is probably the best thing a parent can do.
If you would like to purchase apiece of equipment or furniture for your child and their partner, buy what they say that they need, even if its not what you were hoping to get them.
Offer to babysit without being asked.
Establish a college fund.
Make sure gifts given to grandchildren are acceptable to their parents.
Refrain from criticism.
Ask if your child would like your advice before you offer it.
Parenting advice may undermine their confidence in their parenting abilities. They may need tof ell more assured about their skills as a parent.
Center your advice around your child's psychological well being as a parent rather than how it will improve your grandchild's development.
There is no question that the transition into adulthood is later and longer today than ever before.
Transition to adulthood now occurs five years later than a generation ago.
Young adults are more mature than teenagers but they are still not as mature as people in their late twenties.
You and your adult child may be coming at the issue of how often you communicate from different perspectives . This should stop you from concluding that something is amiss just becuase they don't call as often as you would like.
Our kids don't think about us nearly as much as we think about them.
Provide love, support and reassurance.
Try to minimize stresses your child's life.
Help your child manage stress.
With estrangement from an adult child, patience is a true virtue. Staying in touch periodically, without overdoing it, is probably the best thing a parent can do.
If you would like to purchase apiece of equipment or furniture for your child and their partner, buy what they say that they need, even if its not what you were hoping to get them.
Offer to babysit without being asked.
Establish a college fund.
Make sure gifts given to grandchildren are acceptable to their parents.
Refrain from criticism.
Ask if your child would like your advice before you offer it.
Parenting advice may undermine their confidence in their parenting abilities. They may need tof ell more assured about their skills as a parent.
Center your advice around your child's psychological well being as a parent rather than how it will improve your grandchild's development.
August 26, 2023
Good book to read when children are in late teens to early twenties. Excellent advice and insight.
November 27, 2023
Really great takeaways!
December 18, 2023
Some good nuggets of advice.
September 11, 2023
I'm not a huge self help book person but there were some great nuggets of wisdom in here.
May 2, 2023
Typical self-help.
July 31, 2023
I found Steinberg's newest book to be clear and concise. There's common sense information and some new ideas that are worth a read.
One thing to note is that the AARP recommended he write a book along these lines. I feel like that is a pertinent fact because I didn't connect with some of the advice. This is due largely to a disconnect in life experience. Steinberg was born in 1952 and speaks of having a one year old grandson. I was born in 1981 and have a married adult child and no grandchildren.
"You may think that today's 20 and 30 somethings have been coddled, but it's demonstratively tougher to be a young adult now than it was 30 years ago, when you were about their age." I see the value in what he says but we're coming from two different places in time.
One thing to note is that the AARP recommended he write a book along these lines. I feel like that is a pertinent fact because I didn't connect with some of the advice. This is due largely to a disconnect in life experience. Steinberg was born in 1952 and speaks of having a one year old grandson. I was born in 1981 and have a married adult child and no grandchildren.
"You may think that today's 20 and 30 somethings have been coddled, but it's demonstratively tougher to be a young adult now than it was 30 years ago, when you were about their age." I see the value in what he says but we're coming from two different places in time.
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June 17, 2023
Pretty obvious advice- help your adult child to make their own decisions. It was helpful to know that adult children are on a different timetable than we were. Due to student loan debt and today’s economy, they are about 5 years behind on finding a career and a life partner and starting a family. Just provide support as much as possible and things will settle down when they reach their 40s and 50s.
March 5, 2024
I was intrigued that such a book existed, as I thought it was pretty self-explanatory how to get along with your adult child. They're adults. But, I'm noticing how parenting has, ummmm....changed a lot since I was becoming an adult. It's a societal issue I've been noticing; so many adults still live with their parents and plan on doing so for eternity, even to the point that I'm meeting straight-A students who don't want to go to college because they can't be separated from their parents. Add all that I'm hearing about college professors having to talk to parents in lieu of adult students....I was curious what this author was going to advise.
Steinberg explains the shift and the reasoning behind it. He sets out to prove that it takes a lot longer for children to become adults than it did for my generation and previous generations; I found these evidence-based claims to be pretty interesting. The book succeeded in feeding my interest in sociology and culture. He also advocates for butting the heck out and explains that parents interfering or involving themselves too much in their adult child's college business does way more harm than good. HOwever, he offers ample practical advice on how to support and help a "floundering" adult child that I thought was pretty good. There's also a bunch of basic conflict-resolution/communication methods explained that is not news to anyone who reads self-help books but serves as a good reminder.
I liked the book. I think it was eye-opening and also helpful for anyone freaking out about their adult child and trying to determine appropriate boundaries. It's an important topic, even though I didn't quite think I needed it.
Steinberg explains the shift and the reasoning behind it. He sets out to prove that it takes a lot longer for children to become adults than it did for my generation and previous generations; I found these evidence-based claims to be pretty interesting. The book succeeded in feeding my interest in sociology and culture. He also advocates for butting the heck out and explains that parents interfering or involving themselves too much in their adult child's college business does way more harm than good. HOwever, he offers ample practical advice on how to support and help a "floundering" adult child that I thought was pretty good. There's also a bunch of basic conflict-resolution/communication methods explained that is not news to anyone who reads self-help books but serves as a good reminder.
I liked the book. I think it was eye-opening and also helpful for anyone freaking out about their adult child and trying to determine appropriate boundaries. It's an important topic, even though I didn't quite think I needed it.
May 24, 2023
Here's a perspective that isn't often encountered. Steinberg walks anxious parents through new minefields in their relationship with their adult children: money, love life, and grandkids. Through each chapter, he tries to explain the developmental needs of the 20s and 30s year old and how parents can best meet those needs (without losing their own minds!). The psychology grounding is a great approach and it really gives both Steinberg and the reader a framework to expand from.
However, the advice that comes from this framework is not for everyone. Steinberg's audience is obviously very well heeled. The kind of family where the parents need to discuss final wishes so that the adult kids can properly plan how to use their inheritance. Not the kind of family where Mom and Dad explain how though they spent the past 40 years working a blue/pink collar job that left them with tons of medical issues, it also left them with no real way of paying for said infirmities. Steinberg's advice is largely a repeat of "let the kid make their own choice" and "of course you keep giving them money. Lots of it". While the first tallies for all families, the second one does not. Challenging Times indeed.
However, the advice that comes from this framework is not for everyone. Steinberg's audience is obviously very well heeled. The kind of family where the parents need to discuss final wishes so that the adult kids can properly plan how to use their inheritance. Not the kind of family where Mom and Dad explain how though they spent the past 40 years working a blue/pink collar job that left them with tons of medical issues, it also left them with no real way of paying for said infirmities. Steinberg's advice is largely a repeat of "let the kid make their own choice" and "of course you keep giving them money. Lots of it". While the first tallies for all families, the second one does not. Challenging Times indeed.
May 30, 2023
This book is aimed at parents of young adults between the ages of 18 and 40. My kids are in their 30s, so there wasn't much in here that I hadn't already figured out for myself. But it could be a good resource for parents whose children are on the earlier edge of the age range.
One thing I really liked was how Steinberg continually reminds his readers that life has changed a lot since we were young. Young adults reach the milestones of completing their educations, finding a partner, buying a house and starting a family later than we Boomers did. And that's okay. I also liked the chapter about how to tell whether your child is flourishing or floundering, and what to do if you think they are floundering.
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Author of The Saint's Mistress
One thing I really liked was how Steinberg continually reminds his readers that life has changed a lot since we were young. Young adults reach the milestones of completing their educations, finding a partner, buying a house and starting a family later than we Boomers did. And that's okay. I also liked the chapter about how to tell whether your child is flourishing or floundering, and what to do if you think they are floundering.
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Author of The Saint's Mistress
January 30, 2024
This is a helpful book on keeping your relationship with your adult children strong. It is a helpful guide that provides some direction when you see your child needs help. Unsolicited advice is never received well. The author writes about the changing world, and what was good for you (and even your adult child's generation) is no longer valid. The world evolves and in the case of things going awry, it is best to do what you can as the parent to keep the communication lines open. He talks about how to deal with common scenarios like the child who returns home after college and seems to be adrift. Romantic relationships? What to do when you disagree and can see that they are floundering? What does floundering really look like? Sometimes it isn't floundering, just mechanisms in play to find his/her way. When do you bite your tongue? When do you speak up? This book provides some basic principles to help parents with adult children weather the inevitable ups and downs, all the while staying a course that keeps the loving bond between you strong.
July 24, 2023
I have never read a book from Dr. Laurence Steinberg before. He's a great author. Dr. Steinberg has over 50 years of experience in the field. This gives a lot of credibility to his writing. The things I was interested in learning were outlined very well.
I really liked how he outlined his book. I also appreciated how his tone was very respectful both to parents and to their adult child/children. This is the type of book that for me wasn't necessary to read from cover to cover. He explained very well what each chapter was about, so I could go right to that chapter I was interested in.
If you have interest or possible concerns about wanting to understand your young adult or adult child this may be the answer for you. I also enjoyed his writings on the value of your relationship with grandchildren and what you can do, whether your grandchild lives close by or in another area.
I really liked how he outlined his book. I also appreciated how his tone was very respectful both to parents and to their adult child/children. This is the type of book that for me wasn't necessary to read from cover to cover. He explained very well what each chapter was about, so I could go right to that chapter I was interested in.
If you have interest or possible concerns about wanting to understand your young adult or adult child this may be the answer for you. I also enjoyed his writings on the value of your relationship with grandchildren and what you can do, whether your grandchild lives close by or in another area.
November 20, 2023
As a parent of young men and being concerned that they may be too comfortable to leave the nest, I was hoping for some insight on helping them get excited about starting new adventures on their own. No dice. Just a lot of “they’ll go when they’re ready” sort of advice which is really frustrating when I know forty-year-olds who still aren’t “ready.” The author also assumes that the parents he’s talking to come from wealth. There’s a whole section on how to offer to pay the down payment on your child’s first house. Or assuming that all kids will get an opportunity to go to college. By the way, he also suggests that you don’t worry if you’re footing the bill for ten years of that.
If you read this book, please try to read some personal finance books as well. I’ll have to look somewhere else to find ways to inspire my boys to explore the world.
If you read this book, please try to read some personal finance books as well. I’ll have to look somewhere else to find ways to inspire my boys to explore the world.
August 22, 2023
This is a solid four-star exploration of how parenting changes with age, and how to navigate being the parent of an adult child.
About 80% of what the author shares feels fairly basic/intuitive (at least for young people with some exposure to a combination of therapy, solid/healthy relationships, and pop culture discourse on parenting). There are some newer insights I’d never thought about in the way they’re presented - particularly around expectation management - that make this book a great read.
Yes, the author is certainly approaching this from his own perspective, but he does call this out when needed and demonstrates respect for views on family & parenting that fall outside American “WASP” culture. Four stars.
About 80% of what the author shares feels fairly basic/intuitive (at least for young people with some exposure to a combination of therapy, solid/healthy relationships, and pop culture discourse on parenting). There are some newer insights I’d never thought about in the way they’re presented - particularly around expectation management - that make this book a great read.
Yes, the author is certainly approaching this from his own perspective, but he does call this out when needed and demonstrates respect for views on family & parenting that fall outside American “WASP” culture. Four stars.
May 8, 2023
This is a good book as it brings up a lot of the changes that parents go through as their children get older. It's important that parents know that as their children get older, they need to step back and give them the room to develop into adulthood on their own unless they are about to make a mistake that would be harmful to them.
It also discusses how growing up now is so different from the time you as a parent experienced. Don't say, " When I was your age . . ." The times are nowhere near the same as things are now.
The book even talks about the last stage of development when you are the one slowing down and may need to turn to your adult child for help.
It also discusses how growing up now is so different from the time you as a parent experienced. Don't say, " When I was your age . . ." The times are nowhere near the same as things are now.
The book even talks about the last stage of development when you are the one slowing down and may need to turn to your adult child for help.
July 21, 2023
This is worth reading, particularly if you tend to fall on the more overinvolved/helicopter end of the parenting spectrum. If you’re not, but your partner is, this can help you help them.
Lots of solid, if basic, advice. Spans college age through 40s, so not all of it will be totally relevant when read. Honestly I know several boomer parents who would have benefitted greatly from reading this.
Lots of solid, if basic, advice. Spans college age through 40s, so not all of it will be totally relevant when read. Honestly I know several boomer parents who would have benefitted greatly from reading this.
June 24, 2023
An essential guide for parents of young adults, and packed with wisdom and compassion. The entire book is a must-read, but Steinberg's insights on mental health and on floundering vs flourishing in particular are so timely and important. I previously turned to Age of Opportunity when my kids were teens (and also cited it in my book) . . . now that my kids are young adults, this is my go-to book!
June 27, 2023
This is a great book to help parents navigate relationships with their adult children. With clear writing, an organized format, and specific suggestions, you can discover helpful ways to have healthy discussions with your adult children. Each chapter has its own theme; money, education, marriage, grandchildren, etc., so you can easily jump to the section you need. Highly recommended!
February 8, 2024
I originally got this book at the library. As I started to read it I wanted to highlight information in the book, so I stopped reading it and bought so that I can refer back to the information that is important to me. I enjoyed the advice as our children become adults and how to cope with issues that develop.
For me this book is filled with practical advice.
For me this book is filled with practical advice.
February 12, 2024
I was so happy to find a parenting book that dealt with the adult child/parent relationship. The author does a great job at highlighting how the world is different for our adult children than it was for us and offers compassionate thoughts around how to create a meaningful relationship with our children as they age.
June 27, 2023
Common sense advice. A lot of it won't apply to all individual situations. The book addresses lots of stuff that worries parents, and it gives you some strategies. But I didn't find a lot of comfort for anyone whose kids are in serious trouble.
July 26, 2023
No-nonsense and insightful - fabulous! While other reviews point out how the advice/information in this book is obvious and basic - I understand that and to some degree agree with - it is framed in today's context, goes deeper, and covers numerous situations.
August 18, 2023
Clear concise, common sense. Well organized. Particularly liked the constant reminder that life has changed considerably for young adults these days...can't be compared with 20 + years ago experiences...
November 1, 2023
This was interesting although most of it didn't relate to me right now. It focuses a lot on children who are extending school or delaying careers or marriage. I think this could be very helpful and it's a topic I haven't seen addressed before.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 57 reviews