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You and Your Adult Child: How to Grow Together in Challenging Times
A “wonderfully innovative” (Jennifer Senior, New York Times bestseller All Joy and No Fun), much-needed guide for parents of people in their twenties and thirties from one of the world’s leading developmental psychologists.
Your child is now an adult, but your job as a parent is far from over. Instead, your role must evolve to meet their ongoing, changing needs. But what exactly are these new needs? And why are they so different now than they were when you were a young adult?
This is the first comprehensive guide written for parents whose children are in two of the most crucial decades of life. Steinberg discusses topics as various as whether you should be involved in your child’s college education, how to behave when they unexpectedly must move back home, how to state your opinion on their romantic partners, what to do when you disagree with the way they are raising their own child, and what parameters to apply if you want to give them money for a home or startup. He answers such challenging questions When do I express my opinion and when should I bite my tongue? How do I know if my son is floundering? Is it okay to help my daughter with her grad school application? What should I do if my kid is getting seriously involved with someone I think is dangerous? We have been helping our twenty-five-year-old financially for the last few years, but how long is too long? How can I help my adult child through a difficult psychological time?
Leading psychologist Laurence Steinberg has devoted his forty-five-year career to researching parent-child relationships. Here, he provides some “must-read” (Martin Seligman, PhD, author of The Hope Circuit) principles to help parents with adult children think more intelligently about common issues, avoid minefields, weather the inevitable ups and downs, and create a stronger, happier, more effective bond with their child.
Your child is now an adult, but your job as a parent is far from over. Instead, your role must evolve to meet their ongoing, changing needs. But what exactly are these new needs? And why are they so different now than they were when you were a young adult?
This is the first comprehensive guide written for parents whose children are in two of the most crucial decades of life. Steinberg discusses topics as various as whether you should be involved in your child’s college education, how to behave when they unexpectedly must move back home, how to state your opinion on their romantic partners, what to do when you disagree with the way they are raising their own child, and what parameters to apply if you want to give them money for a home or startup. He answers such challenging questions When do I express my opinion and when should I bite my tongue? How do I know if my son is floundering? Is it okay to help my daughter with her grad school application? What should I do if my kid is getting seriously involved with someone I think is dangerous? We have been helping our twenty-five-year-old financially for the last few years, but how long is too long? How can I help my adult child through a difficult psychological time?
Leading psychologist Laurence Steinberg has devoted his forty-five-year career to researching parent-child relationships. Here, he provides some “must-read” (Martin Seligman, PhD, author of The Hope Circuit) principles to help parents with adult children think more intelligently about common issues, avoid minefields, weather the inevitable ups and downs, and create a stronger, happier, more effective bond with their child.
268 pages, Kindle Edition
Published April 18, 2023
159 people are currently reading
981 people want to read
About the author
Laurence Steinberg
67 books19 followersLaurence Steinberg is Professor of Psychology at Temple University. He is
Author of numerous books and regularly writes about education issues in
The New York Times and the Wall Street Journal.
Author of numerous books and regularly writes about education issues in
The New York Times and the Wall Street Journal.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 74 reviews
March 14, 2023
There are many parenting books out there but they are generally geared to the early years through adolescence. Job done? Not really and certainly not for everyone. Especially in our current age, parenting does not seem to end with the completion of school. Instead, parents seem to be ever more involved with and concerned about their children.
Worried about their job prospects? Relationships? Mental health issues? Are you estranged? Not sure what to say as you become a grandparent and watch your child parenting? These are the sorts of issues that keep parents on edge but not sure what to do. Should one parent their adult child (how is that for an oxymoron though the author explains why he chose it.) and intervene and, if so, how? For those who want some thoughtful assistance, here is one highly regarded author who wants to help.
As one example, someone I know found the advice on what to do if you are not so sure of your child’s romantic partner to be spot on and very helpful. Suddenly there was something to contemplate and/or do about a situation rather than spinning mentally.
The advice and vignettes in this book will be welcomed by readers. Those who are parents of twenty and thirty year olds will leave these pages feeling a bit more certain about how they want to proceed and when.
Many thanks to NetGalley and Simon & Schuster for this title. All opinions are my own.
Worried about their job prospects? Relationships? Mental health issues? Are you estranged? Not sure what to say as you become a grandparent and watch your child parenting? These are the sorts of issues that keep parents on edge but not sure what to do. Should one parent their adult child (how is that for an oxymoron though the author explains why he chose it.) and intervene and, if so, how? For those who want some thoughtful assistance, here is one highly regarded author who wants to help.
As one example, someone I know found the advice on what to do if you are not so sure of your child’s romantic partner to be spot on and very helpful. Suddenly there was something to contemplate and/or do about a situation rather than spinning mentally.
The advice and vignettes in this book will be welcomed by readers. Those who are parents of twenty and thirty year olds will leave these pages feeling a bit more certain about how they want to proceed and when.
Many thanks to NetGalley and Simon & Schuster for this title. All opinions are my own.
March 21, 2023
Practical and profound. You and Your Adult Child by Laurence Steinberg is a must read for parents!
With relatable stories and clinical nuance, Steinberg's book is a compelling analysis of the relationship between parents and children in their twenties and thirties. It guides readers through life stages and development, including mental health, education, finances, and relationships.
One of the best books, and only books, I've read that sheds light on this stage of parenting.
I definitely recommend purchasing and reading this book!
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Five STARS
With relatable stories and clinical nuance, Steinberg's book is a compelling analysis of the relationship between parents and children in their twenties and thirties. It guides readers through life stages and development, including mental health, education, finances, and relationships.
One of the best books, and only books, I've read that sheds light on this stage of parenting.
I definitely recommend purchasing and reading this book!
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 Five STARS
March 29, 2025
You and Your Adult Child: How to Grow Together in Challenging Times by Laurence Steinberg (2024)
XV+256-page Kindle Ebook story pages XI-227
Genre: Family & Relationships > Parenting > General; Family & Relationships > Child Care;
Psychology > Developmental > General, Lifespan Development
Featuring: No Table of Contents, Introduction, Your Evolving Role as a Parent, Times Have Changed, Your Role Has Changed, Adjusting Your Expectations, Respecting Your Child’s Autonomy, “When I Was Your Age”, Growing Together To Bite, or Not to Bite - “When should I bite my tongue, and when should I speak up?”, Handling Your Own Unpleasant Emotions, Resolving Disputes Constructively, When You and Your Partner Disagree, Mental Health, Young Adulthood Is a Vulnerable Period, Common Mental Health Problems, Getting Help, Taking Care of Yourself, Estrangement, Education Is College Worth It?, Appropriate Involvement in Your Child’s College Education, Alternatives to Traditional College, Visits Home from College, Finances, Providing Financial Support, Purse Strings, Helping with a Home Purchase, Discussing Your Personal Finances, Romance and Marriage, Your Child’s Sexuality, Your Child’s Choice of a Partner, The Member of the Wedding, How Your Child’s Intimate Relationship May Change Your Relationship with Them, Getting Along with Your Child’s Partner, Helping Your Child Handle Conflicts with Their Partner, Flourishing or Floundering?, Is My Child Floundering?, The Perpetual Student, Uncertainty About a Career, Still Single (After All These Years), When Your Child Moves Back Home, Grandparenthood, How to Help the New Parents, Giving Advice About Your Child’s Parenting, You and Your Grandchild, Summing Up and Looking Ahead, More from the Author with covers for The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting and You and Your Adolescent, New and Revised edition; Author's Links, Author's Bibliography, Notes, Index
Rating as a movie: PG-15 for adult situations
Books and Authors mentioned: Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care by Benjamin Spock, M. D.
Memorable Quotes: You may have thought that the tough part of parenting was over once your kid was no longer a teenager, but you’ve discovered that being the parent of an adult child is challenging in its own right. Some parents find this stage even more demanding than adolescence had been.
Unfortunately, parents of adult children lack the resources that are available for parents of infants, schoolchildren, or teenagers. True, you can find books here and there written by or for despairing parents who are estranged from their grown children. (Hopefully, you aren’t estranged from your adult child; I cover this topic in chapter 3.) But you probably have questions about how to deal with the challenges of parenting an adult child. And all of us can benefit from advice on how to navigate or even avoid common minefields. You and Your Adult Child is the first comprehensive guide for all parents whose children are in their twenties or thirties.
In many respects, this frequent contact is great. Many young people and their parents are closer and more knowledgeable about each other’s lives than ever before. But this intimacy has eroded some important generational boundaries and inadvertently granted adult children permission to treat their parents more like equals than they had in the past, which may have created strain in their relationship, especially when parents assumed that their kids would defer to them when they disagreed.
The biggest transformation among young people is that they now take longer to move fully into the conventional roles of adulthood. It takes them longer to finish their education, become financially independent, settle into marriage (or a comparable arrangement), establish their own residence, and have kids of their own.
According to my calculations, using statistics published by the Census Bureau and other government agencies, today it takes the average middle-class young adult about thirteen years to go from graduation to starting a family. It took their parents’ generation about eight years to make the same journey. A five-year difference may not seem like much, but it should alter the metric by which you evaluate your child’s progress. Someone who hasn’t yet settled down by the age of thirty may seem like a slacker to their parents, but they may be right on schedule by today’s standards. We parents need to adjust to this new timetable. Delays in entering adult roles will probably become more widespread because the educational requirements of good jobs are increasing, not declining. The longer people stay in school, the more likely they are to delay full-time employment, financial independence, marriage, and parenthood. Complicating matters is parents’ tendency to compare their grown child’s “progress” against the timetable that they, the parents, followed when they were growing up. And, if you have more than one child, it can be difficult to judge each one’s journey through adulthood compared to their sibling’s, because even if they grew up in the same household, they may have different personalities, talents, and ambitions. It’s hard for today’s parents to view unmarried, financially dependent thirtysomethings who haven’t yet settled into a career or stable relationship without worrying that their child, or they, might have done something wrong. Not surprisingly, many parents wonder if their child is floundering or doing fine. In chapter 7, I’ll explain how to tell the difference.
With higher housing costs, many kids have had to move back to their parents’ home or ask for financial assistance. Parents have been forced to become even more involved in their adult children’s lives than they ever anticipated, or perhaps desired.
Harboring unreasonably high expectations of your adult child will only lead to conflict, but so will deliberately low expectations. We don’t ordinarily see them as such, but neuroscientists think of expectations as predictions. When you wake up on your birthday expecting that your kid will call later that morning, you’re making a prediction that this will happen. Whether our predictions about an event are confirmed or contradicted has a profound impact on how we view and feel about what actually occurs, separate from whether the outcome itself is desirable or undesirable. This is because the part of our brain that creates and monitors our expectations works independently from the part that decides whether events are rewarding or disappointing, and the brain’s expectation region values accuracy above all else. Our ultimate feeling about an event is a mixture of how it turned out and how accurate our expectations were.
When we have a bad experience, we’re disappointed, but not quite as much if this is what we’d expected. By the same token, when we expect a bad experience but actually have a good one, we don’t feel quite as happy as we would if we’d accurately predicted the experience would be positive. An accurate expectation adds to the enjoyment of a positive experience and diminishes the disappointment of a negative one. If your child invites you to dinner and you have a good time, you’ll enjoy it more if you’d gone in with positive expectations than if you’d been nervous about how the evening would go. Being pleasantly surprised feels good, of course, but not as good as having positive expectations confirmed. So, it doesn’t make sense to have unreasonably high or unreasonably low expectations.
Young adulthood is a very busy time. It’s unlikely your kid will forget to mention that they got engaged, took a new job across the country, or found a new apartment. But it may not even occur to them to tell you they had a successful performance review at work, ran into a close friend from high school, or made plans to rent a beach house with some colleagues—even though you’d love to hear about all of these things. Not hearing this kind of news is especially tough when you learn your child has already shared it with friends, coworkers, siblings, cousins—maybe even your spouse. It’s hard for parents to discover just how low they rank on their child’s priority list, at least with respect to sharing news about their life. Just as they did as teenagers, many young adults put a premium on relationships with their friends.
It’s realistic for you to expect that your child will ask for assistance only when they truly need your help (when they wouldn’t be able to accomplish something crucial without you), to not burden you with excessive requests (regularly asking you for things that they can easily take care of without you), and to understand when you can’t help for whatever reason. At the same time, it’s reasonable for you to offer help when your child asks for it (or hints strongly at it) or to decline when you’re not available or up to it. A good way to avoid bad feelings is to be candid with your kid when you feel unfairly burdened, and to ask them to be honest with you if they ever think you ought to be doing more—or less. This will minimize the chances that one of you might think the other is being selfish or inconsiderate. Whether you should give unsolicited assistance or advice is a trickier issue. Most young adults feel a strong and natural need for autonomy, and even your well-meant offers of assistance or advice may clash with this need. You may be surprised to discover how touchy your kid can be in these situations. That’s why it’s usually best to let them ask rather than offering your help.
And, as was the case during previous stages, the point of individuation as a thirtysomething is to send a message to parents, the rest of the world, and, most important, oneself: “I’m mature enough to handle the responsibilities of adulthood without my parents’ help.” Knowing this should help you better understand your child’s occasional rejection of your opinions, assistance, or support, even when such rebuffs strike you as illogical or insulting.
At age thirty, your child still may be somewhat unsure of their taste, social acumen, or carpentry skills, but involving you will exacerbate their feelings of insecurity, not inspire confidence.
Autonomy is highly valued in Western societies, especially in the United States, where independence from one’s parents is seen as a mark of maturity. Although parents and teenagers often disagree about how and how much young people should show their independence, by the time they‘re adults, wanting more freedom from parents is not only tolerated but expected. Indeed, American parents tend to worry about their adult children when they’re not independent enough. In most other parts of the world, however, young adults are expected to maintain very close ties with their parents. Striving for autonomy is viewed as disrespectful.
The different generations in new immigrant families are using different criteria to judge their relationship. The parents compare how their young adult treats them with how they treated their own parents, and they find their child lacking. The young adult compares how they treat their parents with the way their friends treat theirs, though. They view themselves as exceeding reasonable expectations for how a child should treat their mother and father.
At the other end of the spectrum are parents who wish their adult kid would be more independent. This often happens when a young adult’s self-doubt increases their dependence on their parents.
Don’t diminish this sense of accomplishment because your feelings are hurt or because you could have helped prevent some mistakes. It’s more important that you not let your feelings in the moment hamper their long-term growth.
And it is essential that you refrain from comparing their transition into adulthood with your own.
Saying, “When I was your age” to a young adult is akin to saying, “Don’t talk back” to a four-year-old, “Children should be seen and not heard” to an eight-year-old, “You’ll know better when you grow up” to a twelve-year-old, or “If I want your opinion I’ll ask for it” to a sixteen-year-old. These expressions are all insulting and disrespectful. If you want your grown child to respect you, you need to respect them.
These uncomfortable feelings may make your child angry—not so much at you for the criticism, but at themselves for doing whatever you criticized. But because we don’t like feeling angry at ourselves at any age, we often turn that anger outward, toward the most convenient target. And because your remark set this whole process in motion, that target will likely be you. Your child may not even understand this—they may say to themselves or their partner or friends, “I don’t know why my parents make me feel this way; they just do.”
Let this principle guide you when you seek to navigate between those dangerous extremes: Speak up when you must, but unless your child specifically asks for it, keep your opinion to yourself. Allowing them to make a mistake that won’t have dire consequences is more important than your being correct. If you follow this maxim consistently you’ll likely find that your child asks for your opinion more and more over time.
Gently prodding your child to think about or explain their reasoning may end up changing their opinion, or yours—either of which will temper any dispute without hurting anyone’s feelings. However you approach this, if you had bitten your tongue and your child made a decision that turned out poorly, don’t say you knew they were making a bad decision all along but decided to keep your mouth shut. Your child will probably wonder—and may even ask—why you didn’t speak up at the time. (I know, I know, sometimes you just can’t win.) If you spoke up, but your child disregarded your advice and ended up regretting their decision, don’t remind them that you had warned them. And if your advice proved correct and your child is in a tough spot because they ignored it, help remedy the problem or bail your child out if you can, without rubbing it in. No one likes to hear “I told you so,” especially from a parent.
Sometimes we can’t help playing things over and over in our minds, but studies have found that rumination tends to make us feel worse, not better, so if you can avoid or limit this behavior, your mental health will thank you. Try meditating or changing your focus instead of ruminating.
It’s a natural human tendency to attribute other people’s overreactions to their inherent shortcomings while viewing our own intense emotions as entirely rational. We blame other people’s behavior on their personality, but explain our own behavior as an unavoidable consequence of our situation.
The goal of collaborative problem-solving, which is common in business settings, is finding a solution that gives everyone some satisfaction. This approach takes more time and energy than the others I’ve described, but usually it minimizes hostility and hurt feelings and maximizes the chances you’ll truly resolve the issue. It requires that the parties involved work together to come up with a solution that each can live with. Each party agrees to treat the other party with respect—no name-calling, sarcasm, or put-downs—and to listen to the other person’s point of view. They brainstorm together and come up with a list of possible solutions without judging them. And then they honestly discuss the pros and cons of each.
The most common forms of anxiety in young adulthood are generalized anxiety (frequent worrying or edginess that’s hard to control and shifts easily from one topic to another), social anxiety (intense fear about interacting with or performing in front of others, sometimes accompanied by worries about being judged negatively or doing something embarrassing), and panic attacks (sudden feelings of terror often accompanied by sweating and heart palpitations).
The other, far smaller groups usually cut off communication with parents for one of five reasons: (1) the parent refused to accept some aspect of their identity, like their sexual orientation or religious views; (2) there are irreconcilable problems between their partner and their parent; (3) relations between them and their parent had deteriorated over a long time, and they concluded it was better for their mental health to have no communication than to maintain a hopelessly dysfunctional relationship; (4) they won’t tolerate one or both of their parents’ habitual behavior, like substance abuse; or (5) they and their parent had some sort of intense dispute, perhaps about money, that left them unwilling to continue their relationship.
This was the first time I’d received a call from an applicant’s parent in the ten years I directed the graduate program.
And, finally, today’s parents are more likely to be “helicopter parents.” Some are so hands-on that they’ve been called “lawn mower parents.” They’re no longer hovering at one thousand feet; they’re down on the ground, clearing a path so their child won’t encounter any obstacles.
Limit your contribution to an amount that you can handle without worrying about your own finances. Your financial assistance shouldn’t jeopardize your health, well-being, or retirement. Specify in advance what your help is for and say that you’re trusting your child to use the money this way. Be clear about how long they can expect your help to last. This can always be revised, but when you offer your help, you should consider how your child’s finances may change with time. Someone who needs help while finishing law school may no longer need it once they’re hired by a law firm. Let your child know that you expect that they’ll inform you when they don’t need your help (or as much of it) anymore.
Because the IRS rate for long-term family loans at the time was 3 percent, Annie’s parents offered to loan her and her husband an additional $250,000 at 3 percent, considerably lower than what Annie and Douglas would pay on a mortgage from a bank. They agreed that Annie and Douglas would repay the $250,000 loan when they sold their house. Annie and Douglas would make monthly payments of $625 to her parents for as long as they owned the house rather than the $1,042 per month in interest they would pay on a mortgage, saving the couple about $5,000 per year. And Annie’s parents, rather than earning $2,500 per year in interest from their bank (1 percent on $250,000), would receive $7,500 per year in interest from Annie and Douglas. They put the terms in writing and signed.
In other words, what may have looked like floundering in love or work a generation ago is no longer floundering today—but many parents don’t realize this.
My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌱🌳🌳
My thoughts: 🔖Page 83 of 256 CHAPTER FOUR Education - This book has so much good information I'm out of room for quotes. Probably one of the best books I've read on the topic and we're still at the beginning.
🔖185 [near the end of] CHAPTER SEVEN Flourishing or Floundering? - When Your Child Moves Back Home - This was on a roll, but I'm out of time.
I'm very glad I read this book. I suggest you read it before your children are adults. If anything I'm taking when I was your age out of my vocabulary.
Recommend to others: Yes, yes, and yes!
XV+256-page Kindle Ebook story pages XI-227
Genre: Family & Relationships > Parenting > General; Family & Relationships > Child Care;
Psychology > Developmental > General, Lifespan Development
Featuring: No Table of Contents, Introduction, Your Evolving Role as a Parent, Times Have Changed, Your Role Has Changed, Adjusting Your Expectations, Respecting Your Child’s Autonomy, “When I Was Your Age”, Growing Together To Bite, or Not to Bite - “When should I bite my tongue, and when should I speak up?”, Handling Your Own Unpleasant Emotions, Resolving Disputes Constructively, When You and Your Partner Disagree, Mental Health, Young Adulthood Is a Vulnerable Period, Common Mental Health Problems, Getting Help, Taking Care of Yourself, Estrangement, Education Is College Worth It?, Appropriate Involvement in Your Child’s College Education, Alternatives to Traditional College, Visits Home from College, Finances, Providing Financial Support, Purse Strings, Helping with a Home Purchase, Discussing Your Personal Finances, Romance and Marriage, Your Child’s Sexuality, Your Child’s Choice of a Partner, The Member of the Wedding, How Your Child’s Intimate Relationship May Change Your Relationship with Them, Getting Along with Your Child’s Partner, Helping Your Child Handle Conflicts with Their Partner, Flourishing or Floundering?, Is My Child Floundering?, The Perpetual Student, Uncertainty About a Career, Still Single (After All These Years), When Your Child Moves Back Home, Grandparenthood, How to Help the New Parents, Giving Advice About Your Child’s Parenting, You and Your Grandchild, Summing Up and Looking Ahead, More from the Author with covers for The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting and You and Your Adolescent, New and Revised edition; Author's Links, Author's Bibliography, Notes, Index
Rating as a movie: PG-15 for adult situations
Books and Authors mentioned: Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care by Benjamin Spock, M. D.
Memorable Quotes: You may have thought that the tough part of parenting was over once your kid was no longer a teenager, but you’ve discovered that being the parent of an adult child is challenging in its own right. Some parents find this stage even more demanding than adolescence had been.
Unfortunately, parents of adult children lack the resources that are available for parents of infants, schoolchildren, or teenagers. True, you can find books here and there written by or for despairing parents who are estranged from their grown children. (Hopefully, you aren’t estranged from your adult child; I cover this topic in chapter 3.) But you probably have questions about how to deal with the challenges of parenting an adult child. And all of us can benefit from advice on how to navigate or even avoid common minefields. You and Your Adult Child is the first comprehensive guide for all parents whose children are in their twenties or thirties.
In many respects, this frequent contact is great. Many young people and their parents are closer and more knowledgeable about each other’s lives than ever before. But this intimacy has eroded some important generational boundaries and inadvertently granted adult children permission to treat their parents more like equals than they had in the past, which may have created strain in their relationship, especially when parents assumed that their kids would defer to them when they disagreed.
The biggest transformation among young people is that they now take longer to move fully into the conventional roles of adulthood. It takes them longer to finish their education, become financially independent, settle into marriage (or a comparable arrangement), establish their own residence, and have kids of their own.
According to my calculations, using statistics published by the Census Bureau and other government agencies, today it takes the average middle-class young adult about thirteen years to go from graduation to starting a family. It took their parents’ generation about eight years to make the same journey. A five-year difference may not seem like much, but it should alter the metric by which you evaluate your child’s progress. Someone who hasn’t yet settled down by the age of thirty may seem like a slacker to their parents, but they may be right on schedule by today’s standards. We parents need to adjust to this new timetable. Delays in entering adult roles will probably become more widespread because the educational requirements of good jobs are increasing, not declining. The longer people stay in school, the more likely they are to delay full-time employment, financial independence, marriage, and parenthood. Complicating matters is parents’ tendency to compare their grown child’s “progress” against the timetable that they, the parents, followed when they were growing up. And, if you have more than one child, it can be difficult to judge each one’s journey through adulthood compared to their sibling’s, because even if they grew up in the same household, they may have different personalities, talents, and ambitions. It’s hard for today’s parents to view unmarried, financially dependent thirtysomethings who haven’t yet settled into a career or stable relationship without worrying that their child, or they, might have done something wrong. Not surprisingly, many parents wonder if their child is floundering or doing fine. In chapter 7, I’ll explain how to tell the difference.
With higher housing costs, many kids have had to move back to their parents’ home or ask for financial assistance. Parents have been forced to become even more involved in their adult children’s lives than they ever anticipated, or perhaps desired.
Harboring unreasonably high expectations of your adult child will only lead to conflict, but so will deliberately low expectations. We don’t ordinarily see them as such, but neuroscientists think of expectations as predictions. When you wake up on your birthday expecting that your kid will call later that morning, you’re making a prediction that this will happen. Whether our predictions about an event are confirmed or contradicted has a profound impact on how we view and feel about what actually occurs, separate from whether the outcome itself is desirable or undesirable. This is because the part of our brain that creates and monitors our expectations works independently from the part that decides whether events are rewarding or disappointing, and the brain’s expectation region values accuracy above all else. Our ultimate feeling about an event is a mixture of how it turned out and how accurate our expectations were.
When we have a bad experience, we’re disappointed, but not quite as much if this is what we’d expected. By the same token, when we expect a bad experience but actually have a good one, we don’t feel quite as happy as we would if we’d accurately predicted the experience would be positive. An accurate expectation adds to the enjoyment of a positive experience and diminishes the disappointment of a negative one. If your child invites you to dinner and you have a good time, you’ll enjoy it more if you’d gone in with positive expectations than if you’d been nervous about how the evening would go. Being pleasantly surprised feels good, of course, but not as good as having positive expectations confirmed. So, it doesn’t make sense to have unreasonably high or unreasonably low expectations.
Young adulthood is a very busy time. It’s unlikely your kid will forget to mention that they got engaged, took a new job across the country, or found a new apartment. But it may not even occur to them to tell you they had a successful performance review at work, ran into a close friend from high school, or made plans to rent a beach house with some colleagues—even though you’d love to hear about all of these things. Not hearing this kind of news is especially tough when you learn your child has already shared it with friends, coworkers, siblings, cousins—maybe even your spouse. It’s hard for parents to discover just how low they rank on their child’s priority list, at least with respect to sharing news about their life. Just as they did as teenagers, many young adults put a premium on relationships with their friends.
It’s realistic for you to expect that your child will ask for assistance only when they truly need your help (when they wouldn’t be able to accomplish something crucial without you), to not burden you with excessive requests (regularly asking you for things that they can easily take care of without you), and to understand when you can’t help for whatever reason. At the same time, it’s reasonable for you to offer help when your child asks for it (or hints strongly at it) or to decline when you’re not available or up to it. A good way to avoid bad feelings is to be candid with your kid when you feel unfairly burdened, and to ask them to be honest with you if they ever think you ought to be doing more—or less. This will minimize the chances that one of you might think the other is being selfish or inconsiderate. Whether you should give unsolicited assistance or advice is a trickier issue. Most young adults feel a strong and natural need for autonomy, and even your well-meant offers of assistance or advice may clash with this need. You may be surprised to discover how touchy your kid can be in these situations. That’s why it’s usually best to let them ask rather than offering your help.
And, as was the case during previous stages, the point of individuation as a thirtysomething is to send a message to parents, the rest of the world, and, most important, oneself: “I’m mature enough to handle the responsibilities of adulthood without my parents’ help.” Knowing this should help you better understand your child’s occasional rejection of your opinions, assistance, or support, even when such rebuffs strike you as illogical or insulting.
At age thirty, your child still may be somewhat unsure of their taste, social acumen, or carpentry skills, but involving you will exacerbate their feelings of insecurity, not inspire confidence.
Autonomy is highly valued in Western societies, especially in the United States, where independence from one’s parents is seen as a mark of maturity. Although parents and teenagers often disagree about how and how much young people should show their independence, by the time they‘re adults, wanting more freedom from parents is not only tolerated but expected. Indeed, American parents tend to worry about their adult children when they’re not independent enough. In most other parts of the world, however, young adults are expected to maintain very close ties with their parents. Striving for autonomy is viewed as disrespectful.
The different generations in new immigrant families are using different criteria to judge their relationship. The parents compare how their young adult treats them with how they treated their own parents, and they find their child lacking. The young adult compares how they treat their parents with the way their friends treat theirs, though. They view themselves as exceeding reasonable expectations for how a child should treat their mother and father.
At the other end of the spectrum are parents who wish their adult kid would be more independent. This often happens when a young adult’s self-doubt increases their dependence on their parents.
Don’t diminish this sense of accomplishment because your feelings are hurt or because you could have helped prevent some mistakes. It’s more important that you not let your feelings in the moment hamper their long-term growth.
And it is essential that you refrain from comparing their transition into adulthood with your own.
Saying, “When I was your age” to a young adult is akin to saying, “Don’t talk back” to a four-year-old, “Children should be seen and not heard” to an eight-year-old, “You’ll know better when you grow up” to a twelve-year-old, or “If I want your opinion I’ll ask for it” to a sixteen-year-old. These expressions are all insulting and disrespectful. If you want your grown child to respect you, you need to respect them.
These uncomfortable feelings may make your child angry—not so much at you for the criticism, but at themselves for doing whatever you criticized. But because we don’t like feeling angry at ourselves at any age, we often turn that anger outward, toward the most convenient target. And because your remark set this whole process in motion, that target will likely be you. Your child may not even understand this—they may say to themselves or their partner or friends, “I don’t know why my parents make me feel this way; they just do.”
Let this principle guide you when you seek to navigate between those dangerous extremes: Speak up when you must, but unless your child specifically asks for it, keep your opinion to yourself. Allowing them to make a mistake that won’t have dire consequences is more important than your being correct. If you follow this maxim consistently you’ll likely find that your child asks for your opinion more and more over time.
Gently prodding your child to think about or explain their reasoning may end up changing their opinion, or yours—either of which will temper any dispute without hurting anyone’s feelings. However you approach this, if you had bitten your tongue and your child made a decision that turned out poorly, don’t say you knew they were making a bad decision all along but decided to keep your mouth shut. Your child will probably wonder—and may even ask—why you didn’t speak up at the time. (I know, I know, sometimes you just can’t win.) If you spoke up, but your child disregarded your advice and ended up regretting their decision, don’t remind them that you had warned them. And if your advice proved correct and your child is in a tough spot because they ignored it, help remedy the problem or bail your child out if you can, without rubbing it in. No one likes to hear “I told you so,” especially from a parent.
Sometimes we can’t help playing things over and over in our minds, but studies have found that rumination tends to make us feel worse, not better, so if you can avoid or limit this behavior, your mental health will thank you. Try meditating or changing your focus instead of ruminating.
It’s a natural human tendency to attribute other people’s overreactions to their inherent shortcomings while viewing our own intense emotions as entirely rational. We blame other people’s behavior on their personality, but explain our own behavior as an unavoidable consequence of our situation.
The goal of collaborative problem-solving, which is common in business settings, is finding a solution that gives everyone some satisfaction. This approach takes more time and energy than the others I’ve described, but usually it minimizes hostility and hurt feelings and maximizes the chances you’ll truly resolve the issue. It requires that the parties involved work together to come up with a solution that each can live with. Each party agrees to treat the other party with respect—no name-calling, sarcasm, or put-downs—and to listen to the other person’s point of view. They brainstorm together and come up with a list of possible solutions without judging them. And then they honestly discuss the pros and cons of each.
The most common forms of anxiety in young adulthood are generalized anxiety (frequent worrying or edginess that’s hard to control and shifts easily from one topic to another), social anxiety (intense fear about interacting with or performing in front of others, sometimes accompanied by worries about being judged negatively or doing something embarrassing), and panic attacks (sudden feelings of terror often accompanied by sweating and heart palpitations).
The other, far smaller groups usually cut off communication with parents for one of five reasons: (1) the parent refused to accept some aspect of their identity, like their sexual orientation or religious views; (2) there are irreconcilable problems between their partner and their parent; (3) relations between them and their parent had deteriorated over a long time, and they concluded it was better for their mental health to have no communication than to maintain a hopelessly dysfunctional relationship; (4) they won’t tolerate one or both of their parents’ habitual behavior, like substance abuse; or (5) they and their parent had some sort of intense dispute, perhaps about money, that left them unwilling to continue their relationship.
This was the first time I’d received a call from an applicant’s parent in the ten years I directed the graduate program.
And, finally, today’s parents are more likely to be “helicopter parents.” Some are so hands-on that they’ve been called “lawn mower parents.” They’re no longer hovering at one thousand feet; they’re down on the ground, clearing a path so their child won’t encounter any obstacles.
Limit your contribution to an amount that you can handle without worrying about your own finances. Your financial assistance shouldn’t jeopardize your health, well-being, or retirement. Specify in advance what your help is for and say that you’re trusting your child to use the money this way. Be clear about how long they can expect your help to last. This can always be revised, but when you offer your help, you should consider how your child’s finances may change with time. Someone who needs help while finishing law school may no longer need it once they’re hired by a law firm. Let your child know that you expect that they’ll inform you when they don’t need your help (or as much of it) anymore.
Because the IRS rate for long-term family loans at the time was 3 percent, Annie’s parents offered to loan her and her husband an additional $250,000 at 3 percent, considerably lower than what Annie and Douglas would pay on a mortgage from a bank. They agreed that Annie and Douglas would repay the $250,000 loan when they sold their house. Annie and Douglas would make monthly payments of $625 to her parents for as long as they owned the house rather than the $1,042 per month in interest they would pay on a mortgage, saving the couple about $5,000 per year. And Annie’s parents, rather than earning $2,500 per year in interest from their bank (1 percent on $250,000), would receive $7,500 per year in interest from Annie and Douglas. They put the terms in writing and signed.
In other words, what may have looked like floundering in love or work a generation ago is no longer floundering today—but many parents don’t realize this.
My rating: 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌱🌳🌳
My thoughts: 🔖Page 83 of 256 CHAPTER FOUR Education - This book has so much good information I'm out of room for quotes. Probably one of the best books I've read on the topic and we're still at the beginning.
🔖185 [near the end of] CHAPTER SEVEN Flourishing or Floundering? - When Your Child Moves Back Home - This was on a roll, but I'm out of time.
I'm very glad I read this book. I suggest you read it before your children are adults. If anything I'm taking when I was your age out of my vocabulary.
Recommend to others: Yes, yes, and yes!
August 24, 2023
great advice!
This book provides great advice on all the different phases of adult children’s lives. It is sometimes difficult or awkward when we don’t know how to talk to an adult child about an issue or opinion we have. This book gives examples and instruction on what to say and when to stay quiet. The stay quiet part may be the most important! I got some great tips. And I may refer to this book again.
This book provides great advice on all the different phases of adult children’s lives. It is sometimes difficult or awkward when we don’t know how to talk to an adult child about an issue or opinion we have. This book gives examples and instruction on what to say and when to stay quiet. The stay quiet part may be the most important! I got some great tips. And I may refer to this book again.
June 8, 2023
Basic. Recommend to the ignorant and/or oblivious parents in your world.
February 2, 2023
You and Your Adult Child. How to Grow Together in Challenging Times by Laurence Steinberg was just what I needed. 5⭐️ because it was so helpful. I have two, 30 somethings daughters that are married and have very young babies. So you can just imagine all the “struggles” and tears we’ve had. All our boundaries are blurred right now.
I liked that the author has adult children and has been in his field for years. You can’t replace experience and this encouraged me.
I realized while reading this that I have a lot to think about and I’m never going to say, “when I was your age ” again.
Thanks to the author for writing this. A must read for the times. I highly recommend this one.
Thanks Simon & Schuster via NetGalley.
I liked that the author has adult children and has been in his field for years. You can’t replace experience and this encouraged me.
I realized while reading this that I have a lot to think about and I’m never going to say, “when I was your age ” again.
Thanks to the author for writing this. A must read for the times. I highly recommend this one.
Thanks Simon & Schuster via NetGalley.
August 26, 2023
Good book to read when children are in late teens to early twenties. Excellent advice and insight.
November 27, 2023
Really great takeaways!
December 18, 2023
Some good nuggets of advice.
July 25, 2024
This surely has useful insight, though is oddly specific, like Steven Rinella's "Outdoor Kids in an Inside World." For example, according to Dr. Steinberg, it's fine to change your college major twice, but not three times. That specificity also excludes let's say 80% of potential readers of this book because it doesn't speak to them. Something tells me Doc has been living in a bubble.
September 11, 2023
I'm not a huge self help book person but there were some great nuggets of wisdom in here.
May 2, 2023
Typical self-help.
July 31, 2023
I found Steinberg's newest book to be clear and concise. There's common sense information and some new ideas that are worth a read.
One thing to note is that the AARP recommended he write a book along these lines. I feel like that is a pertinent fact because I didn't connect with some of the advice. This is due largely to a disconnect in life experience. Steinberg was born in 1952 and speaks of having a one year old grandson. I was born in 1981 and have a married adult child and no grandchildren.
"You may think that today's 20 and 30 somethings have been coddled, but it's demonstratively tougher to be a young adult now than it was 30 years ago, when you were about their age." I see the value in what he says but we're coming from two different places in time.
One thing to note is that the AARP recommended he write a book along these lines. I feel like that is a pertinent fact because I didn't connect with some of the advice. This is due largely to a disconnect in life experience. Steinberg was born in 1952 and speaks of having a one year old grandson. I was born in 1981 and have a married adult child and no grandchildren.
"You may think that today's 20 and 30 somethings have been coddled, but it's demonstratively tougher to be a young adult now than it was 30 years ago, when you were about their age." I see the value in what he says but we're coming from two different places in time.
August 1, 2024
Today's parents are much more deeply enmeshed in the lives of their adult children than previous generations of parents were.
There is no question that the transition into adulthood is later and longer today than ever before.
Transition to adulthood now occurs five years later than a generation ago.
Young adults are more mature than teenagers but they are still not as mature as people in their late twenties.
You and your adult child may be coming at the issue of how often you communicate from different perspectives . This should stop you from concluding that something is amiss just because they don't call as often as you would like.
Our kids don't think about us nearly as much as we think about them.
Provide love, support and reassurance.
Try to minimize stresses in your child's life.
Help your child manage stress.
With estrangement from an adult child, patience is a true virtue. Staying in touch periodically, without overdoing it, is probably the best thing a parent can do.
If you would like to purchase a piece of equipment or furniture for your child and their partner, buy what they say that they need, even if it's not what you were hoping to get them.
Offer to babysit without being asked.
Establish a college fund.
Make sure gifts given to grandchildren are acceptable to their parents.
Refrain from criticism.
Ask if your child would like your advice before you offer it.
Parenting advice may undermine their confidence in their parenting abilities. They may need to feel more assured about their skills as a parent.
Center your advice around your child's psychological well being as a parent rather than how it will improve your grandchild's development.
November 20, 2023
As a parent of young men and being concerned that they may be too comfortable to leave the nest, I was hoping for some insight on helping them get excited about starting new adventures on their own. No dice. Just a lot of “they’ll go when they’re ready” sort of advice which is really frustrating when I know forty-year-olds who still aren’t “ready.” The author also assumes that the parents he’s talking to come from wealth. There’s a whole section on how to offer to pay the down payment on your child’s first house. Or assuming that all kids will get an opportunity to go to college. By the way, he also suggests that you don’t worry if you’re footing the bill for ten years of that.
If you read this book, please try to read some personal finance books as well. I’ll have to look somewhere else to find ways to inspire my boys to explore the world.
If you read this book, please try to read some personal finance books as well. I’ll have to look somewhere else to find ways to inspire my boys to explore the world.
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June 17, 2023
Pretty obvious advice- help your adult child to make their own decisions. It was helpful to know that adult children are on a different timetable than we were. Due to student loan debt and today’s economy, they are about 5 years behind on finding a career and a life partner and starting a family. Just provide support as much as possible and things will settle down when they reach their 40s and 50s.
April 9, 2025
There was occasionally some solid advice to be found in this book, and I’m not sure there are many books of its kind that address the unchartered territory many parents of adult children are entering as the world, and its expectations of parents and the next generation, changes. However, she was at times remarkably blasé. Oh, your kid is out clubbing at the age of 34 and still hasn’t settled down? No big deal, marriage is happening later these days. Oh, your kid is taking six years to get through college – no big deal, most kids do that these days. Oh, your kid pursued multiple degrees one after another and didn’t get a job until the age of 40? (40!). No, big deal, she was following a plan and is committed to her education. Oh, your kid needs to move back home because he's struggling economically – that’s okay, lots of kids do these days, but, hey, don't charge him ANY rent. That would defeat the purpose of helping him to save up. (But maybe not charging him rent would defeat the purpose of him learning to budget? And maybe it would give him less incentive to work toward independence if he gets to have scads of disposable income at home? And maybe not every parent can seamlessly afford the increase in food and utilities without some contribution?)
The chapter on finance talks about things such as home shopping with your kids, giving them money for a downpayment, and the benefits of making low-interest loans to your children, but it doesn't talk about, for instance, how to wean your adult child off your financial support without feeling guilty. She only briefly addressed the possibility that parents might not have the means to offer signigicant financial support to their adult children; she addressed it in a passing, “help if you can” kind of way. Overall, she was curiously casual about the monetary question. I got the impression the audience for this book is parents who are sitting on mounds of money and have few concerns for their own retirement.
The chapter on finance talks about things such as home shopping with your kids, giving them money for a downpayment, and the benefits of making low-interest loans to your children, but it doesn't talk about, for instance, how to wean your adult child off your financial support without feeling guilty. She only briefly addressed the possibility that parents might not have the means to offer signigicant financial support to their adult children; she addressed it in a passing, “help if you can” kind of way. Overall, she was curiously casual about the monetary question. I got the impression the audience for this book is parents who are sitting on mounds of money and have few concerns for their own retirement.
March 5, 2024
I was intrigued that such a book existed, as I thought it was pretty self-explanatory how to get along with your adult child. They're adults. But, I'm noticing how parenting has, ummmm....changed a lot since I was becoming an adult. It's a societal issue I've been noticing; so many adults still live with their parents and plan on doing so for eternity, even to the point that I'm meeting straight-A students who don't want to go to college because they can't be separated from their parents. Add all that I'm hearing about college professors having to talk to parents in lieu of adult students....I was curious what this author was going to advise.
Steinberg explains the shift and the reasoning behind it. He sets out to prove that it takes a lot longer for children to become adults than it did for my generation and previous generations; I found these evidence-based claims to be pretty interesting. The book succeeded in feeding my interest in sociology and culture. He also advocates for butting the heck out and explains that parents interfering or involving themselves too much in their adult child's college business does way more harm than good. HOwever, he offers ample practical advice on how to support and help a "floundering" adult child that I thought was pretty good. There's also a bunch of basic conflict-resolution/communication methods explained that is not news to anyone who reads self-help books but serves as a good reminder.
I liked the book. I think it was eye-opening and also helpful for anyone freaking out about their adult child and trying to determine appropriate boundaries. It's an important topic, even though I didn't quite think I needed it.
Steinberg explains the shift and the reasoning behind it. He sets out to prove that it takes a lot longer for children to become adults than it did for my generation and previous generations; I found these evidence-based claims to be pretty interesting. The book succeeded in feeding my interest in sociology and culture. He also advocates for butting the heck out and explains that parents interfering or involving themselves too much in their adult child's college business does way more harm than good. HOwever, he offers ample practical advice on how to support and help a "floundering" adult child that I thought was pretty good. There's also a bunch of basic conflict-resolution/communication methods explained that is not news to anyone who reads self-help books but serves as a good reminder.
I liked the book. I think it was eye-opening and also helpful for anyone freaking out about their adult child and trying to determine appropriate boundaries. It's an important topic, even though I didn't quite think I needed it.
February 19, 2025
This book is meant for the parents of adult children. (As you might expect.) I came to it from a different perspective, being the adult child ... of parents ... as you might expect. It's my 5th book on the topic in the last few months so there was some repetition but I found this the most comprehensive and sensible book so far. The topics are split out into clear chapters, full of lots of advice and a few stories. I personally connect to the stories really well, so I also recommend Walking on Eggshells (Isay). There aren't necessarily 'to do' items, for that I'd recommend Between Fathers and Daughters (Nielsen) which is kind of like a workbook.
I ended up skimming a lot of the advice sections in the latter half of the book, since I don't actually need to know, at this moment in time, how to handle a child going to college. (Neither am I in college anymore.). It's easy to skip the material that doesn't relate to you. (I read all the stories though.)
For the stories, I wish there was a little more follow up. A lot of them you hear the trouble, then nothing more. Did those parents end up resolving things with their kid? Or did they 'mess up' and it turned out bad? That would be my only complaint with the book.
As with all advice books, you have to read it with an open mind, taking the advice that will work for you and setting the rest aside.
I found "You and Your Adult Child" somewhere between a basic overview and an in-depth analysis. It didn't actually include the issues that I need help with, specifically, (and I don't know that recommending it to my parents would be any help at all), but I know plenty of parents who would benefit from a read.
I ended up skimming a lot of the advice sections in the latter half of the book, since I don't actually need to know, at this moment in time, how to handle a child going to college. (Neither am I in college anymore.). It's easy to skip the material that doesn't relate to you. (I read all the stories though.)
For the stories, I wish there was a little more follow up. A lot of them you hear the trouble, then nothing more. Did those parents end up resolving things with their kid? Or did they 'mess up' and it turned out bad? That would be my only complaint with the book.
As with all advice books, you have to read it with an open mind, taking the advice that will work for you and setting the rest aside.
I found "You and Your Adult Child" somewhere between a basic overview and an in-depth analysis. It didn't actually include the issues that I need help with, specifically, (and I don't know that recommending it to my parents would be any help at all), but I know plenty of parents who would benefit from a read.
May 24, 2023
Here's a perspective that isn't often encountered. Steinberg walks anxious parents through new minefields in their relationship with their adult children: money, love life, and grandkids. Through each chapter, he tries to explain the developmental needs of the 20s and 30s year old and how parents can best meet those needs (without losing their own minds!). The psychology grounding is a great approach and it really gives both Steinberg and the reader a framework to expand from.
However, the advice that comes from this framework is not for everyone. Steinberg's audience is obviously very well heeled. The kind of family where the parents need to discuss final wishes so that the adult kids can properly plan how to use their inheritance. Not the kind of family where Mom and Dad explain how though they spent the past 40 years working a blue/pink collar job that left them with tons of medical issues, it also left them with no real way of paying for said infirmities. Steinberg's advice is largely a repeat of "let the kid make their own choice" and "of course you keep giving them money. Lots of it". While the first tallies for all families, the second one does not. Challenging Times indeed.
However, the advice that comes from this framework is not for everyone. Steinberg's audience is obviously very well heeled. The kind of family where the parents need to discuss final wishes so that the adult kids can properly plan how to use their inheritance. Not the kind of family where Mom and Dad explain how though they spent the past 40 years working a blue/pink collar job that left them with tons of medical issues, it also left them with no real way of paying for said infirmities. Steinberg's advice is largely a repeat of "let the kid make their own choice" and "of course you keep giving them money. Lots of it". While the first tallies for all families, the second one does not. Challenging Times indeed.
May 30, 2023
This book is aimed at parents of young adults between the ages of 18 and 40. My kids are in their 30s, so there wasn't much in here that I hadn't already figured out for myself. But it could be a good resource for parents whose children are on the earlier edge of the age range.
One thing I really liked was how Steinberg continually reminds his readers that life has changed a lot since we were young. Young adults reach the milestones of completing their educations, finding a partner, buying a house and starting a family later than we Boomers did. And that's okay. I also liked the chapter about how to tell whether your child is flourishing or floundering, and what to do if you think they are floundering.
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Author of The Saint's Mistress
One thing I really liked was how Steinberg continually reminds his readers that life has changed a lot since we were young. Young adults reach the milestones of completing their educations, finding a partner, buying a house and starting a family later than we Boomers did. And that's okay. I also liked the chapter about how to tell whether your child is flourishing or floundering, and what to do if you think they are floundering.
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Author of The Saint's Mistress
January 30, 2024
This is a helpful book on keeping your relationship with your adult children strong. It is a helpful guide that provides some direction when you see your child needs help. Unsolicited advice is never received well. The author writes about the changing world, and what was good for you (and even your adult child's generation) is no longer valid. The world evolves and in the case of things going awry, it is best to do what you can as the parent to keep the communication lines open. He talks about how to deal with common scenarios like the child who returns home after college and seems to be adrift. Romantic relationships? What to do when you disagree and can see that they are floundering? What does floundering really look like? Sometimes it isn't floundering, just mechanisms in play to find his/her way. When do you bite your tongue? When do you speak up? This book provides some basic principles to help parents with adult children weather the inevitable ups and downs, all the while staying a course that keeps the loving bond between you strong.
July 24, 2023
I have never read a book from Dr. Laurence Steinberg before. He's a great author. Dr. Steinberg has over 50 years of experience in the field. This gives a lot of credibility to his writing. The things I was interested in learning were outlined very well.
I really liked how he outlined his book. I also appreciated how his tone was very respectful both to parents and to their adult child/children. This is the type of book that for me wasn't necessary to read from cover to cover. He explained very well what each chapter was about, so I could go right to that chapter I was interested in.
If you have interest or possible concerns about wanting to understand your young adult or adult child this may be the answer for you. I also enjoyed his writings on the value of your relationship with grandchildren and what you can do, whether your grandchild lives close by or in another area.
I really liked how he outlined his book. I also appreciated how his tone was very respectful both to parents and to their adult child/children. This is the type of book that for me wasn't necessary to read from cover to cover. He explained very well what each chapter was about, so I could go right to that chapter I was interested in.
If you have interest or possible concerns about wanting to understand your young adult or adult child this may be the answer for you. I also enjoyed his writings on the value of your relationship with grandchildren and what you can do, whether your grandchild lives close by or in another area.
August 22, 2023
This is a solid four-star exploration of how parenting changes with age, and how to navigate being the parent of an adult child.
About 80% of what the author shares feels fairly basic/intuitive (at least for young people with some exposure to a combination of therapy, solid/healthy relationships, and pop culture discourse on parenting). There are some newer insights I’d never thought about in the way they’re presented - particularly around expectation management - that make this book a great read.
Yes, the author is certainly approaching this from his own perspective, but he does call this out when needed and demonstrates respect for views on family & parenting that fall outside American “WASP” culture. Four stars.
About 80% of what the author shares feels fairly basic/intuitive (at least for young people with some exposure to a combination of therapy, solid/healthy relationships, and pop culture discourse on parenting). There are some newer insights I’d never thought about in the way they’re presented - particularly around expectation management - that make this book a great read.
Yes, the author is certainly approaching this from his own perspective, but he does call this out when needed and demonstrates respect for views on family & parenting that fall outside American “WASP” culture. Four stars.
January 19, 2025
我看的是繁體中文版、但好像沒有建立書目？
覺得這本書還蠻不錯的！雖然我兒離成年還有點久，雖然說是寫給父母看的，但先看一個感覺也不錯，然後作為成年子女看一看好像也很好啦，感覺是個聊天可以用得上的題材（？）
他前面談到了現代社會的變化，父母（以及父母育兒方式）的變化，子女（以及子女和父母相處的方式）的變化，都和以前不一樣啦！
看完都驚了一下、難道養小孩要有心理準備養到三十歲！也太久！
他最後還有一個總結全書的考前總整理：
「首先，不要用你年輕時所遵循的時間表來評斷孩子的進展。別說（甚至不要想）「想當年」這種話，因為這種想法對��考孩子的現狀是不恰當又無益的。
再者，要認識並支持你的孩子有建立自主權的需求，尤其在他們接近三十歲時，這個需求會更加強烈。
第三，檢視你對這段關係的期望是否合理。別因為你寧願獲得驚喜也不願感到失望，而強迫自己降低期望。過低的期望往往會引發他人最糟糕的表現。但同時也別期望事情會完全沒問題。
第四，當你因孩子而感到受傷時，應該花一些時間分析自己的情緒。
第五，別不斷地去想（或跟朋友討論）孩子令你感到受傷或失望的事。若你有機會退後一步來釐清到底是什麼困擾著你，就讓孩子知道你的感受。如果你陷入無法自拔的困境，也不要害怕尋求心理諮詢的幫助。
第六，學會用建設性的方式來解決你與孩子的歧見。
最後，在決定是否要說出你的意見或保持沉默時，請遵循這��通用的原則：必要時說出來；但除非孩子明確地求教於你，否則請保持沉默。這個原則的例外情況是，當你的孩子、他們的伴侶或他們的子女可能面臨嚴重且無法彌補的傷害時。」
最後談到作為父母，當自己逐漸走下坡，照顧者/被照顧者的角色逆轉，需要更加依賴子女時，心情上的轉變。
推薦。
覺得這本書還蠻不錯的！雖然我兒離成年還有點久，雖然說是寫給父母看的，但先看一個感覺也不錯，然後作為成年子女看一看好像也很好啦，感覺是個聊天可以用得上的題材（？）
他前面談到了現代社會的變化，父母（以及父母育兒方式）的變化，子女（以及子女和父母相處的方式）的變化，都和以前不一樣啦！
看完都驚了一下、難道養小孩要有心理準備養到三十歲！也太久！
他最後還有一個總結全書的考前總整理：
「首先，不要用你年輕時所遵循的時間表來評斷孩子的進展。別說（甚至不要想）「想當年」這種話，因為這種想法對��考孩子的現狀是不恰當又無益的。
再者，要認識並支持你的孩子有建立自主權的需求，尤其在他們接近三十歲時，這個需求會更加強烈。
第三，檢視你對這段關係的期望是否合理。別因為你寧願獲得驚喜也不願感到失望，而強迫自己降低期望。過低的期望往往會引發他人最糟糕的表現。但同時也別期望事情會完全沒問題。
第四，當你因孩子而感到受傷時，應該花一些時間分析自己的情緒。
第五，別不斷地去想（或跟朋友討論）孩子令你感到受傷或失望的事。若你有機會退後一步來釐清到底是什麼困擾著你，就讓孩子知道你的感受。如果你陷入無法自拔的困境，也不要害怕尋求心理諮詢的幫助。
第六，學會用建設性的方式來解決你與孩子的歧見。
最後，在決定是否要說出你的意見或保持沉默時，請遵循這��通用的原則：必要時說出來；但除非孩子明確地求教於你，否則請保持沉默。這個原則的例外情況是，當你的孩子、他們的伴侶或他們的子女可能面臨嚴重且無法彌補的傷害時。」
最後談到作為父母，當自己逐漸走下坡，照顧者/被照顧者的角色逆轉，需要更加依賴子女時，心情上的轉變。
推薦。
May 8, 2023
This is a good book as it brings up a lot of the changes that parents go through as their children get older. It's important that parents know that as their children get older, they need to step back and give them the room to develop into adulthood on their own unless they are about to make a mistake that would be harmful to them.
It also discusses how growing up now is so different from the time you as a parent experienced. Don't say, " When I was your age . . ." The times are nowhere near the same as things are now.
The book even talks about the last stage of development when you are the one slowing down and may need to turn to your adult child for help.
It also discusses how growing up now is so different from the time you as a parent experienced. Don't say, " When I was your age . . ." The times are nowhere near the same as things are now.
The book even talks about the last stage of development when you are the one slowing down and may need to turn to your adult child for help.
March 11, 2025
Self help books are normally not my thing because they can take 300 pages to say would could be said in 50 or they have a religious theme. This book was neither. Crammed full of useful practical and not always common sense approaches to how to have the best relationship possible with your adult children. He’s an excellent writer and it turns out AARP suggested he write the book. I’m so glad I found it.
June 24, 2023
An essential guide for parents of young adults, and packed with wisdom and compassion. The entire book is a must-read, but Steinberg's insights on mental health and on floundering vs flourishing in particular are so timely and important. I previously turned to Age of Opportunity when my kids were teens (and also cited it in my book) . . . now that my kids are young adults, this is my go-to book!
June 27, 2023
This is a great book to help parents navigate relationships with their adult children. With clear writing, an organized format, and specific suggestions, you can discover helpful ways to have healthy discussions with your adult children. Each chapter has its own theme; money, education, marriage, grandchildren, etc., so you can easily jump to the section you need. Highly recommended!
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