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Listen Like You Mean It: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection
For many of us, listening is simply something we do on autopilot. We hear just enough of what others say to get our work done, maintain friendships, and be polite with our neighbors. But we miss crucial opportunities to go deeper--to give and receive honest feedback, to make connections that will endure for the long haul, and to discover who people truly are at their core.
Fortunately, listening can be improved--and Ximena Vengoechea can show you how. In Listen Like You Mean It, she offers a listening guide with tried-and-true strategies honed in her own research sessions and drawn from interviews with marriage counselors, podcast hosts, life coaches, journalists, filmmakers, and other listening experts. Through Vengoechea's set of scripts, key questions, exercises, and illustrations, you'll learn to:
Quickly build rapport with strangers
Ask the right questions to deepen a conversation
Pause at the right time to encourage vulnerability
Navigate a conversation that's gone off the rails.
Fortunately, listening can be improved--and Ximena Vengoechea can show you how. In Listen Like You Mean It, she offers a listening guide with tried-and-true strategies honed in her own research sessions and drawn from interviews with marriage counselors, podcast hosts, life coaches, journalists, filmmakers, and other listening experts. Through Vengoechea's set of scripts, key questions, exercises, and illustrations, you'll learn to:
Quickly build rapport with strangers
Ask the right questions to deepen a conversation
Pause at the right time to encourage vulnerability
Navigate a conversation that's gone off the rails.
336 pages, Hardcover
Published March 30, 2021
About the author
Ximena Vengoechea
14 books94 followersXimena Vengoechea is a user researcher, writer, and illustrator whose work on personal and professional development has been published in Inc., The Washington Post, Newsweek, Forbes, and Huffington Post. She is the author of the book, Listen Like You Mean it: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection (Portfolio/Penguin Random House). Her second book, Rest Easy, will be published in September 2023.
Ximena is a contributor at Fast Company and The Muse, and writes Letters from Ximena, a newsletter about personal growth and human behavior at ximena.substack.com. She is also the creator of the popular project The Life Audit. She previously worked at Pinterest, LinkedIn, and Twitter.
Ximena is a contributor at Fast Company and The Muse, and writes Letters from Ximena, a newsletter about personal growth and human behavior at ximena.substack.com. She is also the creator of the popular project The Life Audit. She previously worked at Pinterest, LinkedIn, and Twitter.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 80 reviews
August 25, 2022
As someone whose lived the majority of life being socially awkward, this book has some solid advice on how to connect with others. I couldn’t always relate to the examples that were used. Ximena used a lot of office work related scenarios which is cool and all. However, I appreciated the more relatable ones having to do with friends and family.
Anyways, if you are looking to strengthen your relationships by practicing your empathetic listening skills, check this book out! You’ll definitely learn a thing or two that you can apply to your life.
Anyways, if you are looking to strengthen your relationships by practicing your empathetic listening skills, check this book out! You’ll definitely learn a thing or two that you can apply to your life.
September 15, 2021
Some practical approaches to better listening that may be helpful for newer professionals in fields where listening is a fundamental skill. Overall, I found “You’re Not Listening” by Kate Murphy a little more successful.
May 23, 2021
"Conversation by conversation you can discover in others emotions, hopes, fears, dreams and anxieties that make each of us unique. You can know others as they truly are, not as you assume they are or wish them to be and in turn they can get to know the real you too.
When we listen with empathy we raise the bar for our conversations and relationships and inspire others to do the same."
Listen Like You Mean It — A book that will provide you with the roadmap to becoming a better listener. It is written by Ximena Vengoechea. She is a user researcher who she has spent nearly a decade facilitating hundreds of conversations at LinkedIn, Twitter and Pinterest.
The author lays out a detailed action plan on getting started with empathetic listening and navigating the challenges associated with it. Richly interspersed with stories from the author’s life, its easy to relate every topic with your personal experiences.
The book is extremely comprehensive and has touched upon all aspects of empathetic listening.
Some of the topics that the book addresses include:
1. cultivating a listening mindset
2. Staying present in the conversation and not getting distracted
3. Going beyond words and listening to non verbal cues
4. Deepening conversation through better questions
5. Getting comfortable with silence during conversations
6. Exiting conversations when they are taking a toll on you
7. Having difficult conversations in certain relationships
8. Having conversations around sensitive topics
I have compiled my detailed notes here: https://baos.pub/listen-like-you-mean...
This is a highly recommended read for anyone looking to level up their listening skills in order to develop stronger relationships and become more effective in life & work!
April 1, 2022
This book has some great advice on listening. It gives some great tips to steer conversations and protecting the listener from going arrears.
This would have come been more helpful before a big family fathering we had last month which got ugly and will live in infamy in family lore for a long time. I kept reading thi book through a lens of how that night evening could have been better handled.
This would have come been more helpful before a big family fathering we had last month which got ugly and will live in infamy in family lore for a long time. I kept reading thi book through a lens of how that night evening could have been better handled.
March 29, 2023
Este libro te da herramientas sencillas y claras para mejorar y aprender escuchar de verdad. Te explica la importancia de prestar atención y te expone distintas situaciones en las que la habilidad de escuchar a los demás es primordial.
Muy recomendado
Muy recomendado
April 21, 2023
I think this book struggles with its identity/purpose. I was expecting a book generally about listening in everyday life conversations, informed by the author's experience as a UX Researcher who interviews tons of people as part of her job.
What it ended up feeling like was 70% UX Research listening, 30% everyday listening, where I was maybe looking for the inverse.
I also feel like it could've been 75-100 pages shorter and still gotten its point across.
What it ended up feeling like was 70% UX Research listening, 30% everyday listening, where I was maybe looking for the inverse.
I also feel like it could've been 75-100 pages shorter and still gotten its point across.
March 19, 2023
A listening master class. I appreciated Ximena's cute little illustrations breaking up the blocks of instructive and introspective text. My work is in dialogue and community building, so I came to this book with a lot of frameworks and skills already. How to respectfully exit conversations, however, that was all new to me and I continue to think on that. This is one I want for my personal collection.
January 1, 2022
The book offers words and strategies to learn how to be an empathetic listener. While it is written for listening primarily for a research setting, there are a lot of communication strategies that can be used with friends and family.
May 7, 2022
Interesting book but it is very much related to ux research which might be a nice angle on this. But it did not hit me 100%. But I did learn stuff!
April 4, 2023
Insightful, practical, truly helpful, and I enjoyed the visuals. I also really appreciate the concise bullet points for quick reference and retention.
Empathy, curiosity, self awareness. Good stuff.
I’ve already started using some of the strategies suggested.
Empathy, curiosity, self awareness. Good stuff.
I’ve already started using some of the strategies suggested.
February 20, 2022
Loved this book!! Every interaction, even chance encounters with strangers, is an opportunity for genuine and authentic connection. With empathetic listening, all your relationships can become deeper and more fulfilling as you make the people around you feel seen and valued (and they in turn can do the same for you). Tons of wisdom in this book. I think everyone can become a better listener, and even if you know the content it’s an amazing opportunity for self-reflection. How can you improve your interactions with those around you? Little things - reading nonverbal cues, giving nonverbal cues, changing your thought process toward interactions, learning when to switch up your approach - can make a huge difference. Life is all about meaningful and authentic connection with others… listen like you mean it!
July 11, 2021
More like an introduction to counseling psychology textbook. It consists what i learn from the textbook and 7cups value, such as emphathy, humility, and curiousity.
yes indeed!
curiousity is required a lot when listening to others, even if it's beyond your scope. but asking won't hurt, I asked about tech and coding tho I don't understand nor remember much about it. but it's showing that i was engaged to the topic he brought.
and listening type such as investigator, explorer, or explainer.
in here they use the term of probing questions as "connecting questions", which how you dig and deepen the conversation you have. Especially in case that person is reluctant to disclose, or merely being crude.
-------------------------------------
If you would like to advance in practical way, you may want to read Just Listen by Goulston
yes indeed!
curiousity is required a lot when listening to others, even if it's beyond your scope. but asking won't hurt, I asked about tech and coding tho I don't understand nor remember much about it. but it's showing that i was engaged to the topic he brought.
and listening type such as investigator, explorer, or explainer.
in here they use the term of probing questions as "connecting questions", which how you dig and deepen the conversation you have. Especially in case that person is reluctant to disclose, or merely being crude.
-------------------------------------
If you would like to advance in practical way, you may want to read Just Listen by Goulston
July 22, 2021
Written by a user researcher, the examples in the story are particularly relatable if you are in the tech industry. Certainly useful even if you’re not.
An area I personally struggle with, is to listen to people with poorly analysed opinions, obviously incorrect information or dogmatic beliefs without giving away my impatience on my face. Judgmental much? Yeah, probably.
The book does a good job of showing how to use curiosity to be present and listening, even in situations like those above. It also serves a good dose of humility by illustrating how empathetic listening can change your own perspective, especially in situations of power differences.
An area I personally struggle with, is to listen to people with poorly analysed opinions, obviously incorrect information or dogmatic beliefs without giving away my impatience on my face. Judgmental much? Yeah, probably.
The book does a good job of showing how to use curiosity to be present and listening, even in situations like those above. It also serves a good dose of humility by illustrating how empathetic listening can change your own perspective, especially in situations of power differences.
January 28, 2023
This book sounded like it would be helpful with meeting my goal of becoming a better listener this year.
It was.
Here are some of my notes.
At a time when our relationships are increasingly mediated through devices that lack the warmth and honesty of a face-to-face interaction; when we are moving farther from home, and more frequently; when our social ties are weaker, our anxiety levels higher, and loneliness is on the rise; in a culture of self-promotion, overwork, and political and racial divisiveness; and in the midst of unexpected global crises that keep us not just culturally but physically far apart from each other, we need to feel connected more than ever—and listening provides a way forward.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (pp. xiii-xiv). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
form, I began to observe what made others around me effective listeners. These individuals seemed to have many of the qualities we researchers are trained in: curiosity, empathy, and the ability to ask thoughtful questions.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. xv). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
We often stop listening because we think we know what the other person is going to say...because we have an informed opinion about how they will respond...or because we have an idea of how we think they should respond...Sometimes we even assume our own experience is the same as others, and expect others will respond like we would....
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 5). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
One of the most common—and easiest—listening mistakes we can make in surface listening mode is to project our own feelings, ideas, or experiences onto others.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 7). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
Surface listening can also include behaviors like multitasking, interrupting others, mentally checking out, or continually bringing a conversation back to what we want to talk about.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 7). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
When we listen with empathy, our conversation partner should feel not just comfortable but seen and known in some way. We do this by listening not just for what is said but also for what is meant—and then going deeper still to understand what is felt.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (pp. 8-9). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
I tell my participants I am like “neutral Switzerland”—I will pass no judgment on their opinion or perspective; I want to hear it all. “You cannot hurt my feelings,” I say, before inviting them to share with me the good, the bad, and the ugly. I also admit that I do not have all the answers and that I am ready to be wrong.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 15). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
Getting curious means being open to learning more about a topic, idea, or person—even if it does not initially pique our interest.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 18). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
It turns out humans can be over threshold, too: certain conditions can throw us off our game and make it harder to stay present and have the productive, empathetic conversations we seek.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 39). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
It was.
Here are some of my notes.
At a time when our relationships are increasingly mediated through devices that lack the warmth and honesty of a face-to-face interaction; when we are moving farther from home, and more frequently; when our social ties are weaker, our anxiety levels higher, and loneliness is on the rise; in a culture of self-promotion, overwork, and political and racial divisiveness; and in the midst of unexpected global crises that keep us not just culturally but physically far apart from each other, we need to feel connected more than ever—and listening provides a way forward.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (pp. xiii-xiv). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
form, I began to observe what made others around me effective listeners. These individuals seemed to have many of the qualities we researchers are trained in: curiosity, empathy, and the ability to ask thoughtful questions.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. xv). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
We often stop listening because we think we know what the other person is going to say...because we have an informed opinion about how they will respond...or because we have an idea of how we think they should respond...Sometimes we even assume our own experience is the same as others, and expect others will respond like we would....
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 5). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
One of the most common—and easiest—listening mistakes we can make in surface listening mode is to project our own feelings, ideas, or experiences onto others.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 7). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
Surface listening can also include behaviors like multitasking, interrupting others, mentally checking out, or continually bringing a conversation back to what we want to talk about.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 7). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
When we listen with empathy, our conversation partner should feel not just comfortable but seen and known in some way. We do this by listening not just for what is said but also for what is meant—and then going deeper still to understand what is felt.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (pp. 8-9). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
I tell my participants I am like “neutral Switzerland”—I will pass no judgment on their opinion or perspective; I want to hear it all. “You cannot hurt my feelings,” I say, before inviting them to share with me the good, the bad, and the ugly. I also admit that I do not have all the answers and that I am ready to be wrong.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 15). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
Getting curious means being open to learning more about a topic, idea, or person—even if it does not initially pique our interest.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 18). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
It turns out humans can be over threshold, too: certain conditions can throw us off our game and make it harder to stay present and have the productive, empathetic conversations we seek.
Vengoechea, Ximena. Listen Like You Mean It (p. 39). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
September 9, 2023
Love the pleasing to the eyes format: color coloded heading, numbering, variety of fonts used and illustations used in this book.
This book is more than just listening. It's comprehensive enough to cover communication itself.
The main point of this book is that the act of listening is not easy! It involves certain values : patience, trust, awareness and mindfulness, emotions and a balance of the literal act of listening and thinking as you utilize idea frameworks to OBJECTIVELY form a bigger picture.
Surface listening is the act of hearing the literal—but not emotional—content of a conversation, often at the expense of our conversation partner’s feelings
1. Empathy - ability to imagine what someone might be feeling.
2. Humility - assume in the present of an expert
3. Curiosity - understand where others are coming from and have been known to remember the details about a person that make them unique, through telescopic (not microscopic) view and context understanding (not isolated information) find the why behind the facts and stories
- the contrary view though is that the book also suggests you to organize the ideas into a framework which will make you think while listening.
Use:
1. Connecting questions - questions, and sometimes statements, neutrally framed to elicit an open response, without suggesting or biasing toward a particular reply.
3 types:
a. exploratory questions - Unbiased, open-ended and help us to see the full picture; begin with “how” and “what”
b. encouraging questions - use encouraging phrases to follow up
c. reflection questions - directly prompting our conversation partner to think through the topic at hand, typically through comparison and options
2. Summarize starting with objective phase "“What I’m hearing is"
Don't be a:(these are all me)
1. Pivoter - changing the conversation to make it more relevant to you
2. Distractor - finding creative ways to distract yourself from a discussion
3. Withdrawer - don’t care much for subtlety if a conversation isn’t of interest.
Stalling techniques:
1. Affirm - acknlowdge instead of respond
2. Parrot - ask same question
3. Deflect - different response
11 listening modes: - didn't explain why this classification matters...
1. Explainers - have an answer for everything
2. Validator - unintentionally inflate your ego
3. Identifying - likens their experience to the speaker’s and brings a conversation back to them
4. Problem-Solvers - have a solution for everything when there's no proiblem
5. Nurse - puts your needs above theirs
6. Defusers- downplay by humor - my former officemates!
7. Mediators - look at things from all angles and mitigate conflict
8. Empath - tuning your emotions
9. Interrupter - too spirited and itnerrupts - me! oops!
10. Interviewer - ask a lot of questions - me! oops!
11. Daydreamer - lost in thought - me! oops!
This book is more than just listening. It's comprehensive enough to cover communication itself.
The main point of this book is that the act of listening is not easy! It involves certain values : patience, trust, awareness and mindfulness, emotions and a balance of the literal act of listening and thinking as you utilize idea frameworks to OBJECTIVELY form a bigger picture.
Surface listening is the act of hearing the literal—but not emotional—content of a conversation, often at the expense of our conversation partner’s feelings
1. Empathy - ability to imagine what someone might be feeling.
2. Humility - assume in the present of an expert
3. Curiosity - understand where others are coming from and have been known to remember the details about a person that make them unique, through telescopic (not microscopic) view and context understanding (not isolated information) find the why behind the facts and stories
- the contrary view though is that the book also suggests you to organize the ideas into a framework which will make you think while listening.
Use:
1. Connecting questions - questions, and sometimes statements, neutrally framed to elicit an open response, without suggesting or biasing toward a particular reply.
3 types:
a. exploratory questions - Unbiased, open-ended and help us to see the full picture; begin with “how” and “what”
b. encouraging questions - use encouraging phrases to follow up
c. reflection questions - directly prompting our conversation partner to think through the topic at hand, typically through comparison and options
2. Summarize starting with objective phase "“What I’m hearing is"
Don't be a:(these are all me)
1. Pivoter - changing the conversation to make it more relevant to you
2. Distractor - finding creative ways to distract yourself from a discussion
3. Withdrawer - don’t care much for subtlety if a conversation isn’t of interest.
Stalling techniques:
1. Affirm - acknlowdge instead of respond
2. Parrot - ask same question
3. Deflect - different response
11 listening modes: - didn't explain why this classification matters...
1. Explainers - have an answer for everything
2. Validator - unintentionally inflate your ego
3. Identifying - likens their experience to the speaker’s and brings a conversation back to them
4. Problem-Solvers - have a solution for everything when there's no proiblem
5. Nurse - puts your needs above theirs
6. Defusers- downplay by humor - my former officemates!
7. Mediators - look at things from all angles and mitigate conflict
8. Empath - tuning your emotions
9. Interrupter - too spirited and itnerrupts - me! oops!
10. Interviewer - ask a lot of questions - me! oops!
11. Daydreamer - lost in thought - me! oops!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 13, 2022
read as about to listen to Ximena in alumni gathering at my university.
And also as want to learn to have better listening skills in conversations with my family and friends.
Empathetic listening is about connection. Deliberately slow things down and seek to understand others’ – relate to them. Listen for what is said (literal), what is meant (subtext), what is felt (emotion).
Bring empathy, humility and curiosity
Through EMPATHY understand and relate to participants, appreciate their excitement, sense their frustrations, empathize with others feelings of stress, disappointment, achievement without making the conversation about me. Don’t give advice or share a similar story, instead gain a deeper understanding and ask more informed questions. Ask questions specific to them and give them the floor to share more. It’s not about you. Tap into their emotions.
HUMILITY: assume you don’t know all the answers. Let them share how they really feel.
Be the student not the expert. Humility does not require you to reduce your point of view, but it does require you to do the very hard work of trying to understand others’ perspectives. Don’t react prematurely. Let others express their opinion.
Let go of preconceived notions. Leave judgment at the door. Accept and respect others’ perspective.
CURIOSITY: Be there to learn more about the topic, idea, person. Get along with a variety of people, being interested more important than being interesting. “tell me more” is an invitation to connect, to speaker to feel valued. Interesting learning about the Engagement Zone: Watch feet, one may progressively turn toward the exit disinterested and ready to leave. If the person’s feet are pointed toward you they are receptive to a conversation, interested, committed. We naturally orient ourselves toward what we are interested in.
Listen like you mean it!!!!
And also as want to learn to have better listening skills in conversations with my family and friends.
Empathetic listening is about connection. Deliberately slow things down and seek to understand others’ – relate to them. Listen for what is said (literal), what is meant (subtext), what is felt (emotion).
Bring empathy, humility and curiosity
Through EMPATHY understand and relate to participants, appreciate their excitement, sense their frustrations, empathize with others feelings of stress, disappointment, achievement without making the conversation about me. Don’t give advice or share a similar story, instead gain a deeper understanding and ask more informed questions. Ask questions specific to them and give them the floor to share more. It’s not about you. Tap into their emotions.
HUMILITY: assume you don’t know all the answers. Let them share how they really feel.
Be the student not the expert. Humility does not require you to reduce your point of view, but it does require you to do the very hard work of trying to understand others’ perspectives. Don’t react prematurely. Let others express their opinion.
Let go of preconceived notions. Leave judgment at the door. Accept and respect others’ perspective.
CURIOSITY: Be there to learn more about the topic, idea, person. Get along with a variety of people, being interested more important than being interesting. “tell me more” is an invitation to connect, to speaker to feel valued. Interesting learning about the Engagement Zone: Watch feet, one may progressively turn toward the exit disinterested and ready to leave. If the person’s feet are pointed toward you they are receptive to a conversation, interested, committed. We naturally orient ourselves toward what we are interested in.
Listen like you mean it!!!!
April 10, 2023
Ximena's
book, Like You Mean It: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection, focuses on the often overlooked topic of interpersonal connections. The book delves into the intricacies of our intimate and casual relationships, examining how we might recapture the actual connection they can provide.
Author opens the book by discussing what true connection is and how it is frequently lacking in today's environment. She looks at a variety of issues, such as how to express authentic emotion, how to form lasting friendships, and how to build trust. She emphasises the significance of keeping connections with those who are essential to us through her research, storytelling, and thoughtful analysis.
Throughout the book, author gives readers practical advice on how to make and keep meaningful connections. She emphasises the need of listening without judgment, trusting in oneself, and being willing to communicate your emotions, for example. While many of us are preoccupied with the external aspects of relationships, Pascoe reminds us that genuine connection comes from within.
Overall, as you suggest It is a thought-provoking and inspiring book that challenges readers to be more attentive of their relationships and to cultivate deep and lasting bonds. Pascoe's wise and candid guidance provides readers with a road map for reclaiming meaningful connection in their lives. This book is a wonderful resource for individuals trying to develop meaningful relationships in their life, thanks to its strong combination of research, storytelling, and practical guidance.
book, Like You Mean It: Reclaiming the Lost Art of True Connection, focuses on the often overlooked topic of interpersonal connections. The book delves into the intricacies of our intimate and casual relationships, examining how we might recapture the actual connection they can provide.
Author opens the book by discussing what true connection is and how it is frequently lacking in today's environment. She looks at a variety of issues, such as how to express authentic emotion, how to form lasting friendships, and how to build trust. She emphasises the significance of keeping connections with those who are essential to us through her research, storytelling, and thoughtful analysis.
Throughout the book, author gives readers practical advice on how to make and keep meaningful connections. She emphasises the need of listening without judgment, trusting in oneself, and being willing to communicate your emotions, for example. While many of us are preoccupied with the external aspects of relationships, Pascoe reminds us that genuine connection comes from within.
Overall, as you suggest It is a thought-provoking and inspiring book that challenges readers to be more attentive of their relationships and to cultivate deep and lasting bonds. Pascoe's wise and candid guidance provides readers with a road map for reclaiming meaningful connection in their lives. This book is a wonderful resource for individuals trying to develop meaningful relationships in their life, thanks to its strong combination of research, storytelling, and practical guidance.
Read
February 26, 2022This is the best book I've read (so far) on true, meaningful listening. It's less fluffy than your average business book, and I'm planning to hold onto a copy. I can't give it an unqualified recommendation for everyone though, without a few caveats.
Issue #1: This is a useful book as a refresher for people who are already trying to really understand what their conversation partners are saying, but they'll already be familiar with a lot of what this book covers. For people in that category, it's a good reference.
For people who don't spend time obsessing over the question "what did he mean when he said that??", I think this book might feel like a cynical list of ways to *pretend* that you're listening, which is not what it's trying to be. (The tips at the end of each section on things to say in conversation come to mind as a good example. It's very difficult to capture engaged listening with a cookie cutter set of phrases.) In other words, not sure if this book can teach anyone to want to be a good listener.
(I read this book as an audiobook by the author, which helped most of it come across as sincerely as it was likely intended.)
Issue #2: This book is very contextualized to an American, urban, professional office (and maybe even more specifically Silicon Valley) culture. The scenarios and suggested phrases are going to feel hollow outside of that culture, and even within that culture they'll look fake, if they're applied like a recipe.
Issue #1: This is a useful book as a refresher for people who are already trying to really understand what their conversation partners are saying, but they'll already be familiar with a lot of what this book covers. For people in that category, it's a good reference.
For people who don't spend time obsessing over the question "what did he mean when he said that??", I think this book might feel like a cynical list of ways to *pretend* that you're listening, which is not what it's trying to be. (The tips at the end of each section on things to say in conversation come to mind as a good example. It's very difficult to capture engaged listening with a cookie cutter set of phrases.) In other words, not sure if this book can teach anyone to want to be a good listener.
(I read this book as an audiobook by the author, which helped most of it come across as sincerely as it was likely intended.)
Issue #2: This book is very contextualized to an American, urban, professional office (and maybe even more specifically Silicon Valley) culture. The scenarios and suggested phrases are going to feel hollow outside of that culture, and even within that culture they'll look fake, if they're applied like a recipe.
June 22, 2022
In a world saturated with noise – podcasts, audiobooks, videos, talk shows, webinars – what the world doesn’t lack is content. Yet, there are scores of new podcasters, new writers, new TV shows, new films, an amplification of the clutter that already swirls around us. As a writer, who is paradoxically contributing to the din, I can’t help but dwell on human aspects that are simultaneously shrinking or disappearing. Besides the alarming erosion in bio species, as a planet, we are possibly losing two critical tribes: deep readers and deep listeners.
It’s unsurprising then, that Ximena Vengoechea, who has worked as a user researcher for many top technology enterprises, including LinkedIn, Twitter and Pinterest, found that “listening” is not something modern humans are necessarily good at. After all, as she notes, listening, unlike binge-watching, is not a passive exercise; it requires the active participation of the listener. “Showing up – without engagement, attention, and encouragement – is not enough.” She found too, as she honed her own listening skills as a researcher, that listening could be turned into a sort of superpower in all relationships – with bosses, with colleagues, with friends and family members. Moreover good listeners, like good researchers, can be trained to exude certain qualities: “curiosity, empathy, and the ability to ask thoughtful questions.”
To read more:
https://brindasnarayan.com/listenlike...
It’s unsurprising then, that Ximena Vengoechea, who has worked as a user researcher for many top technology enterprises, including LinkedIn, Twitter and Pinterest, found that “listening” is not something modern humans are necessarily good at. After all, as she notes, listening, unlike binge-watching, is not a passive exercise; it requires the active participation of the listener. “Showing up – without engagement, attention, and encouragement – is not enough.” She found too, as she honed her own listening skills as a researcher, that listening could be turned into a sort of superpower in all relationships – with bosses, with colleagues, with friends and family members. Moreover good listeners, like good researchers, can be trained to exude certain qualities: “curiosity, empathy, and the ability to ask thoughtful questions.”
To read more:
https://brindasnarayan.com/listenlike...
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July 7, 2021It isn’t always easy to establish deep, warm connections in our conversations with others. That’s because when we listen, we tend to do so on a superficial level, hearing our conversation partner’s literal words but missing their underlying meaning. To make others feel heard and understood, we should practice empathetic listening. This requires us to stay present, observe our conversation partner’s needs, ask connecting questions, stay flexible – and, sometimes, redirect the conversation when we sense that things are heading the wrong way.
Actionable advice:
Train your ear.
The next time you have a conversation, pay close attention to the unique characteristics of the other person’s voice. Try to get a sense of that voice’s neutral baseline by paying attention to things like pitch – is the person’s voice naturally high or low? – and expressiveness – does the person tend to be more animated, or speak in a monotone? Once you’ve established the baseline, you’ll be able to tell more easily when the person is deviating from it, and why that might be the case.
Actionable advice:
Train your ear.
The next time you have a conversation, pay close attention to the unique characteristics of the other person’s voice. Try to get a sense of that voice’s neutral baseline by paying attention to things like pitch – is the person’s voice naturally high or low? – and expressiveness – does the person tend to be more animated, or speak in a monotone? Once you’ve established the baseline, you’ll be able to tell more easily when the person is deviating from it, and why that might be the case.
January 7, 2024
Read this as my coaching training set me very curious about listening more deeply. Great book with good tips to cultivate a listening mindset. 2 useful ideas I picked up are identifying our default listening mode and the need to give ourselves space for recovery after (many) deeper conversation. In addition, I like the mention of if speaking is a way of communication, it means not only listening with empathy but speaking up with empathy too (one aspect that not mentioned often enough I feel).
“the best internal boundary that you can have is if you are very much aware of yourself as separate individual. If you can stay connected to the truth - that is, that I am not responsible for another person’s emotional experience - I can maybe have an impact on it. I am not responsible for these emotions, thoughts or feelings that are coming up.”
“Default listening mode- the explainer, validator, identifier, problem-solver, nurse, defuser (joker), mediator, empath, interrupter, interviewer and daydreamer”
“the best internal boundary that you can have is if you are very much aware of yourself as separate individual. If you can stay connected to the truth - that is, that I am not responsible for another person’s emotional experience - I can maybe have an impact on it. I am not responsible for these emotions, thoughts or feelings that are coming up.”
“Default listening mode- the explainer, validator, identifier, problem-solver, nurse, defuser (joker), mediator, empath, interrupter, interviewer and daydreamer”
July 7, 2021
A veces por la familiaridad y el hábito pensamos que dl escuchar es algo natural y evidente para los seres humanos, pero sorprendentemente es un hábito que vamos cultivando con los años y que puede mejorar o empeorar. En un mundo que cada vez se mueve más rápido y con mayor información, el mejorar nuestras habilidades de escuchar se vuelve imprescindible. Es por ello, que este libro me pareció una excelente herramienta para este cometido ya que reflexiona en aspectos importantes de la comunicación como lo son los prejuicios, los tipos de escucha, estrategias para active listening, qué hacer cuando una conversación sale mal, o nadie habla, o cuando lidiamos con personas difíciles. Me parece que es un excelente aditamento para cualquiera que tenga un interés legítimo en mejorar esta habilidad. En algunas partes se siente repetitivo pero en general tiene un tono entretenido, lleno de anécdotas y con valiosos consejos.
July 7, 2021
"Real" listening is in demand!
The idea of the book is not new, so I give it a 3. Anyway, it's an easy read with a clear outline and real-life examples, though some advice the author gives sounds a bit cliché and often easier to say than done.
The key takeaway from the book is that it isn't always easy to establish deep, warm connections in our conversations with others. That's because when we listen, we tend to do so on a superficial level, hearing our conversation partner's literal words but missing their underlying meaning. To make others feel heard and understood, we should practice empathetic listening. This requires us to stay present, observe our conversation partner's needs, ask connecting questions, stay flexible - and sometimes, redirect the conversation when we sense that things are heading the wrong way.
The idea of the book is not new, so I give it a 3. Anyway, it's an easy read with a clear outline and real-life examples, though some advice the author gives sounds a bit cliché and often easier to say than done.
The key takeaway from the book is that it isn't always easy to establish deep, warm connections in our conversations with others. That's because when we listen, we tend to do so on a superficial level, hearing our conversation partner's literal words but missing their underlying meaning. To make others feel heard and understood, we should practice empathetic listening. This requires us to stay present, observe our conversation partner's needs, ask connecting questions, stay flexible - and sometimes, redirect the conversation when we sense that things are heading the wrong way.
July 15, 2021
I’m not convinced that this book is a practical tool for ordinary conversations. Many of the techniques suggested by Vengoechea are impractical for casual conversations and, I think, will only make your friends and family ask you why you’re talking so weird. Additionally, the section about evaluating voice pitch and volume as well as fidgeting or eye contact as signs of confidence and discomfort came off as a little sexist and ableist. Vengoechea tried to mitigate that by explaining getting a baseline for a person before reading too deeply into them, seeing a chart where a low voice is “authoritative and dominant” and a high voice is “unserious and submissive” was very unsettling.
I did find value in some of the exercises, but overall I don’t recommend this book unless you’re prepared to take most of it with a huge grain of salt.
I did find value in some of the exercises, but overall I don’t recommend this book unless you’re prepared to take most of it with a huge grain of salt.
January 5, 2022
Loved this book. On one hand, it's hard to read a book about listening and connection without feeling like you're a robot being taught how to act like a human. On the other, how often do we think about listening and how to improve at it? I'd guess not a lot, and I think there's a lot to gain if we did.
This book is a how-to guide for how to think about listening, how to practice empathetic listening, how to use different styles to suit the situation, how to have difficult conversations, and, really importantly, how to listen "sustainably" (how to balance energy and manage "listener's drain").
I found it really interesting, surprisingly useful, and I think it should be required reading for all managers or anyone considering a step into management.
This book is a how-to guide for how to think about listening, how to practice empathetic listening, how to use different styles to suit the situation, how to have difficult conversations, and, really importantly, how to listen "sustainably" (how to balance energy and manage "listener's drain").
I found it really interesting, surprisingly useful, and I think it should be required reading for all managers or anyone considering a step into management.
August 20, 2021
My main takeaway from this book is to just generally be more intentional about how I listen to others. To think about what they need from me and not assume what I'd want in a situation or that my instinct is actually what they need. Read their body language. Ask them what they need from you. Don't start questions with "is" or in any way that presumes the answer or sets up expectations; be open-ended. Silences/pauses can be powerful for giving space to the other person. Don't worry about mentally logging or taking notes to the point that you aren't present in a conversation. Trust that the important points will come back to you--an especially hard one for me.
January 16, 2022
I took the challenge of listening to a book about listening and I’m so glad I did. The author explains the different styles of listening, provides questions to ask to keep conversations going and also to interrogate yourself. I appreciated the activities that explicitly called out the reader to get a pen and paper.
The largest takeaway was not only how to listen to others but how to listen to yourself and the ways to cope when you’ve listened to much or you just need to digest a conversation.
The largest takeaway was not only how to listen to others but how to listen to yourself and the ways to cope when you’ve listened to much or you just need to digest a conversation.
December 30, 2022
Overall, I really like the book. It was the perfect book for what I was looking for.
I was looking for a book with strategies to be a better listener and conversationalist. I enjoyed the many anecdotes and examples. The illustrations in the book were nice and I think the chapters were very organized. It was an easy read.
I especially like the tips about asking open-ended questions using "how" and "what" words. The other take-away is using mantras to remind yourself to not let other people's stories get too much of your empathy since "it's not yours to keep."
I was looking for a book with strategies to be a better listener and conversationalist. I enjoyed the many anecdotes and examples. The illustrations in the book were nice and I think the chapters were very organized. It was an easy read.
I especially like the tips about asking open-ended questions using "how" and "what" words. The other take-away is using mantras to remind yourself to not let other people's stories get too much of your empathy since "it's not yours to keep."
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