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Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
Originally published in 1988, Getting the Love You Want has helped thousands of couples attain more loving, supportive and deeply satisfying relationships. For this edition of his classic book, Dr Hendrix and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, have added a new introduction describing the powerful influence this book has had on so many people over the years. With its step-by-step program, Getting the Love You Want will help you create a loving, supportive and revitalized partnership.
336 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2005
About the author
Harville Hendrix
67 books211 followersHarville Hendrix, Ph.D., is the author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, a New York Times bestseller that has sold more than two million copies. He has more than thirty years’ experience as an educator and therapist. He specializes in working with couples in private practice, teaching marital therapy to therapists, and conducting couples workshops across the country. Dr. Hendrix is the founder/director of the Imago Institute for Relationship Therapy. He lives in New Jersey and New Mexico.
http://us.macmillan.com/author/harvil...
http://us.macmillan.com/author/harvil...
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 712 reviews
February 13, 2021
I heard of this book when Oprah was interviewing Alanis Morissette. They both read it and praised it and Oprah said that Stedman and she wouldn't be together anymore if she hadn't read this book. That made me interested in reading this book. I don't like to read self help books, because these books require a lot of digging and bringing out everything that is painful and they are not just some easy breezy reading, but you have to do some work. This book makes you open your eyes a little bit more and you see things differently. You do kind of get the feeling, that every relationship will go sour sooner or later, but you mustn't run away but you have to work on your relationship. Well, his work is based on relationships that didn't work so..I don't know, maybe he should examine the ones that do work. I think that would be a lot more thorough and realistic. I like psychology, I like to read about these topics and I think it's important that every person is in touch with it. I am obviously no expert and I have no clue about it, so I can't really judge if this book is right or wrong.
June 15, 2012
This book makes sense, but is also really frustrating. The main point, that couples fight because of unfulfilled childhood issues, makes sense (to a point) as do his solutions. I really like some of the exercise ideas, even though I have a sneaking suspicion I am too lazy to do them with my spouse, but I think they will work in diffusing student complaints.
What's frustrating? . . . the gender norms expressed in the book. All too often, examples suggest women are (overly) talkative and emotional, and quick to anger, but not in touch with their sexual desires. This is nonsense. I really don't know that many women who fit the stereotype of women as all emotional, wearing their hearts on their sleeves and sexually repressed. On the other hand, a lot of my male companions fit that bill. It's time for the editor and writers to interrogate their examples and flip the gendering around to make this book more for REAL people.
I have to admit - frustrations aside - this book, along with all the leadership crap I'm reading - has made me think more about how and what I communicate, and what is realistic in terms of expectations of others.
What's frustrating? . . . the gender norms expressed in the book. All too often, examples suggest women are (overly) talkative and emotional, and quick to anger, but not in touch with their sexual desires. This is nonsense. I really don't know that many women who fit the stereotype of women as all emotional, wearing their hearts on their sleeves and sexually repressed. On the other hand, a lot of my male companions fit that bill. It's time for the editor and writers to interrogate their examples and flip the gendering around to make this book more for REAL people.
I have to admit - frustrations aside - this book, along with all the leadership crap I'm reading - has made me think more about how and what I communicate, and what is realistic in terms of expectations of others.
December 9, 2008
I just gave four stars to a freaking self-help book. That says everything. READ IT.
Really, though, this book's relevance surprised me, cynic that I am about this kind of book. Harville Hendrix is heavy on the nuance and light on the cheese, and his descriptions of "fusers" and "isolaters" are incredibly useful. (I determined I'm switchy with a lean towards "fuser".) And the exersizes are pretty cool, too.
Really, though, this book's relevance surprised me, cynic that I am about this kind of book. Harville Hendrix is heavy on the nuance and light on the cheese, and his descriptions of "fusers" and "isolaters" are incredibly useful. (I determined I'm switchy with a lean towards "fuser".) And the exersizes are pretty cool, too.
November 17, 2021
I'm not buying this one. It seems sort of fake--I mean at one point, she suggests that you get groucho marx glasses and make eachother laugh in bed. I mean, if you have to use fake glasses and nose to make eachother laugh, is that not a sign? I also don't buy the everything goes back to your childhood theory of marital conflict. I would start with Gottman or Esther Parel.
October 3, 2011
I tend to be ambivalent when it comes to the self-help genre. It's natural for someone in my field to feel this way, and my views have also been influenced by books like Sham: How the Self-Help Movement Made America Helpless and I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional: The Recovery Movement and Other Self-Help. And yet, there are a few self-help books which speak to me and offer language for speaking to my clients. Overall, this was one of them.
Interestingly enough, I heard a speech at my synagogue over the weekend commenting that self-help books offer no new advice and are useless unless the reader commits himself to accepting responsibility for his choices. In fact this book's advice is arguably not new -- its points rest on the age-old premise that the only way to change your marriage is to stop trying to change your spouse and to work instead on your own issues. At the same time, the book offers some interesting insights in a highly readable tone, and even better, details several practical exercises to be done with or without your spouse, independent of a therapist, which can enhance your marriage. You need a bit of a tolerance for psychspeak dialogue, but the exercises were interesting and many sounded like they could be helpful. I found myself thinking back on several of the couples I've worked with and wishing I could have shared some of the information in this book with them.
I think this is a useful book for both therapists and laypeople interested in working on relationships.
Interestingly enough, I heard a speech at my synagogue over the weekend commenting that self-help books offer no new advice and are useless unless the reader commits himself to accepting responsibility for his choices. In fact this book's advice is arguably not new -- its points rest on the age-old premise that the only way to change your marriage is to stop trying to change your spouse and to work instead on your own issues. At the same time, the book offers some interesting insights in a highly readable tone, and even better, details several practical exercises to be done with or without your spouse, independent of a therapist, which can enhance your marriage. You need a bit of a tolerance for psychspeak dialogue, but the exercises were interesting and many sounded like they could be helpful. I found myself thinking back on several of the couples I've worked with and wishing I could have shared some of the information in this book with them.
I think this is a useful book for both therapists and laypeople interested in working on relationships.
January 1, 2015
This book contains some good relationship advice and useful exercises. The author is a couples therapist with over 20 years of experience, whose wife is also a therapist. I found the book too heavy on psychoanalysis; it keeps talking about the wounded child in each of us, and how we select our partners because we subconsciously seek our parents (or other childhood caretakers).
It starts slow and is much longer than I think is necessary; several anecdotes could be removed. I almost gave up several times before it started getting interesting halfway through (around chapter 7). The author was formerly a Baptist pastor. He advocates for lifelong committed relationships.
Technique overview
See your partner as a wounded child seeking “salvation.” Redesign your relationship to heal these wounds.
1. Build atmosphere of safety and trust. Close your exits, renew your commitment, and deliberately please each other. Communicate openly and effectively. Accept the negative and positive in yourself.
2. After learning about your partner, become their healer. Focus on their needs rather than yours. By healing your partner, you’ll heal yourself. You’ll learn that behind sadness, anxiety, and frustration are pain, rage, and fear of death.
3. Find a safe and growth-producing way to express emotions so they don’t jeopardize relationship. The emotions will move from unconsciousness to consciousness. You will experience unity and wholeness.
Re-romanticize
• Perform acts of caring (favors, gifts) to rekindle intimacy. Start by telling each other what acts you would appreciate. “Do unto your partner what they would have done unto them.”
• Add in surprise acts.
• Add in fun physical activities.
Imago Dialogue
1. Mirror: paraphrase what your partner said, with same emotion.
2. Validate: confirm that their thought process makes sense from their perspective. You don't have to agree with them.
3. Empathize: confirm that you understand their emotions.
Misc.
Connection is the main requirements for a healthy relationship. Safety is required to form a connection.
“The ultimate reason you fell in love with your mate is … because your old brain had your partner confused with your parents! Your old brain believed that it had finally found the ideal candidate to make up for the psychological and emotional damage you experienced in childhood.”
We unconsciously seek a mate with negative and positive traits that match our parents. The negative traits usually outweigh the positive.
People can be isolators or fusers, and they often marry each other. Isolator: someone who unconsciously pushes others away, keeps people at a distance, need a lot of space, and wants freedom in a relationship. Fuser: person who need closeness, wants to do things together all the time, craves physical affection and reassurance, and often needs to stay in constant verbal contact.
When we criticize our partner, we may be revealing an unmet need, or revealing one of our own deficiencies.
Behavior Change Request: Give each other SMART goals.
Eliminate negativity from your relationship, whether overt or subtle (shame, blame, sarcasm, etc.). When you say something negative to your partner, apologize, then praise them by pointing out three positive things you appreciate about them.
It starts slow and is much longer than I think is necessary; several anecdotes could be removed. I almost gave up several times before it started getting interesting halfway through (around chapter 7). The author was formerly a Baptist pastor. He advocates for lifelong committed relationships.
Technique overview
See your partner as a wounded child seeking “salvation.” Redesign your relationship to heal these wounds.
1. Build atmosphere of safety and trust. Close your exits, renew your commitment, and deliberately please each other. Communicate openly and effectively. Accept the negative and positive in yourself.
2. After learning about your partner, become their healer. Focus on their needs rather than yours. By healing your partner, you’ll heal yourself. You’ll learn that behind sadness, anxiety, and frustration are pain, rage, and fear of death.
3. Find a safe and growth-producing way to express emotions so they don’t jeopardize relationship. The emotions will move from unconsciousness to consciousness. You will experience unity and wholeness.
Re-romanticize
• Perform acts of caring (favors, gifts) to rekindle intimacy. Start by telling each other what acts you would appreciate. “Do unto your partner what they would have done unto them.”
• Add in surprise acts.
• Add in fun physical activities.
Imago Dialogue
1. Mirror: paraphrase what your partner said, with same emotion.
2. Validate: confirm that their thought process makes sense from their perspective. You don't have to agree with them.
3. Empathize: confirm that you understand their emotions.
Misc.
Connection is the main requirements for a healthy relationship. Safety is required to form a connection.
“The ultimate reason you fell in love with your mate is … because your old brain had your partner confused with your parents! Your old brain believed that it had finally found the ideal candidate to make up for the psychological and emotional damage you experienced in childhood.”
We unconsciously seek a mate with negative and positive traits that match our parents. The negative traits usually outweigh the positive.
People can be isolators or fusers, and they often marry each other. Isolator: someone who unconsciously pushes others away, keeps people at a distance, need a lot of space, and wants freedom in a relationship. Fuser: person who need closeness, wants to do things together all the time, craves physical affection and reassurance, and often needs to stay in constant verbal contact.
When we criticize our partner, we may be revealing an unmet need, or revealing one of our own deficiencies.
Behavior Change Request: Give each other SMART goals.
Eliminate negativity from your relationship, whether overt or subtle (shame, blame, sarcasm, etc.). When you say something negative to your partner, apologize, then praise them by pointing out three positive things you appreciate about them.
March 8, 2012
I have to admit that I did not finish reading this book. This is rare for me -- usually I will doggedly slog through whatever book I choose to pick up, no matter how bad it turns out to be. So please understand what a thorough aversion I must have had to abandon this book after only ten days and a few chapters.
I gave it my best effort, really I did. But the love-seeking process described in this book struck me as so inherently selfish and self-serving as to leave me completely disinterested and even a bit turned off. The love process is not about one versus another, but about two people coming together. In its attempt to provide evidence of a clinical process, this book strips the love scenario of any sense of togetherness and instead, unintentionally (it would seem), creates an adversarial scenario.
I'm also not a huge fan of regressive psychology. Sure, our childhoods have colored who we have become as adults, but I think that focusing too heavily on the past stands in the way of focusing on steps necessary for the future. Reading this book, I continually found myself frustrated by this limited perspective, and searching for more practical applications to the struggles I'm facing today and don't fully understand, rather than the childhood experiences with which I'm already familiar.
So, I'm biased against this book on several counts: 1) it focuses heavily on childhood relationships as the key to adult relationships, which I find a very limited approach; 2) it displays a sort of selfishness that I find distasteful; 3) it represents the sort of pop psychology of which I'm none too fond anyway; and 4) I didn't even finish reading it. I know many people have loved this book and have found it extremely helpful, but clearly it's not for everyone.
I gave it my best effort, really I did. But the love-seeking process described in this book struck me as so inherently selfish and self-serving as to leave me completely disinterested and even a bit turned off. The love process is not about one versus another, but about two people coming together. In its attempt to provide evidence of a clinical process, this book strips the love scenario of any sense of togetherness and instead, unintentionally (it would seem), creates an adversarial scenario.
I'm also not a huge fan of regressive psychology. Sure, our childhoods have colored who we have become as adults, but I think that focusing too heavily on the past stands in the way of focusing on steps necessary for the future. Reading this book, I continually found myself frustrated by this limited perspective, and searching for more practical applications to the struggles I'm facing today and don't fully understand, rather than the childhood experiences with which I'm already familiar.
So, I'm biased against this book on several counts: 1) it focuses heavily on childhood relationships as the key to adult relationships, which I find a very limited approach; 2) it displays a sort of selfishness that I find distasteful; 3) it represents the sort of pop psychology of which I'm none too fond anyway; and 4) I didn't even finish reading it. I know many people have loved this book and have found it extremely helpful, but clearly it's not for everyone.
March 2, 2009
I remember years ago, when my marriage was heading south, picking up this book and halfheartedly trying the exercises- knowing my ex would not want to have any part of it. I still wish I'd read it at that point or after- my marriage would have likely still failed, but I may have been better prepared for the love that came after. While I think that simply reducing relationships and areas for conflict to unresolved childhood wounds is a bit simplistic on its own, a lot of this made sense- at least for mass relationship counseling through paperback. It made sense why I am attracted to men who I feel like I get a special secret by loving them that nobody else gets to see- why I fall in love with those who will handle conflict or my overwhelming them with large emotions and with what I rationally know to be unfounded or unrealistic claims or expectations by withdrawing or running away- my biggest abandonment/you need to handle it on your own fears realized.
I wish I had had the vocabulary earlier to articulate that sometimes I don't need to be right (in fact, often I know what I'm saying or interpreting is absolutely ridiculous!), but I do need someone who will validate and affirm they understand and support that I have those feelings to help me work through them. And I need the validation from the kind of person who does not know how or does not want to give it to me. It's really key for me- and it comes from parents who loved me (and I always knew it intellectually, but didn't often feel it) but invalidated my feelings from a pretty early age too. It's funny that when in instances where I get that validation early on, I am currently discovering I need it less than I thought I did. I've noticed this in my professional life, but never connected the dots before. I tend to choose people who are more passive about their lives- and I want to activate them, but at the same time I value that they can just be calm and live in the moment more than I can.
At the very least, I got some insight from reading this - and hopefully some stronger tools for being able to communicate in a way that allows me to ask for more active participation in a relationship and to be understood and empathized with while realizing that I have a tendency to be intense and overwhelming with the people I care about. I think there's a companion book for singles, and may check that out!
I wish I had had the vocabulary earlier to articulate that sometimes I don't need to be right (in fact, often I know what I'm saying or interpreting is absolutely ridiculous!), but I do need someone who will validate and affirm they understand and support that I have those feelings to help me work through them. And I need the validation from the kind of person who does not know how or does not want to give it to me. It's really key for me- and it comes from parents who loved me (and I always knew it intellectually, but didn't often feel it) but invalidated my feelings from a pretty early age too. It's funny that when in instances where I get that validation early on, I am currently discovering I need it less than I thought I did. I've noticed this in my professional life, but never connected the dots before. I tend to choose people who are more passive about their lives- and I want to activate them, but at the same time I value that they can just be calm and live in the moment more than I can.
At the very least, I got some insight from reading this - and hopefully some stronger tools for being able to communicate in a way that allows me to ask for more active participation in a relationship and to be understood and empathized with while realizing that I have a tendency to be intense and overwhelming with the people I care about. I think there's a companion book for singles, and may check that out!
September 6, 2009
My sister a social worker/therapist recommended this book years ago and I bought it. It sat on my "to read" shelf for years until a Marriage and Family professor mentioned again in his talk at Sunstone. It has a clear and powerful premise. Our childhood and relationship with our parents subconsciously influences who we are attracted to and marry. We have the feeling this person will make us whole. After the romantic phase wears off and most couple slip into the power struggle phase where it is painfully clear that this person is not making us as whole as we would like to be.
The author is a psychologist who has worked with couples for many decades. The method he has developed it to help couples identify what it is that they crave most in their lives. He spends most of the book leading you to his conclusion that I found very powerful. It is that what will become most whole when we are able to learn what are partner needs and provide it for them. He suggests that we may have subconsciously picked a partner that can best help us change to become a more complete person. That this process of transformation that we undergo to meet our partners needs will make us whole. This was a unique and powerful concept that I had never considered before.
There are also a number of exercises in the back of the book to help married couples through this process. To me these were less important than the message and the thought process and self recognition that the book led me through.
The author is a psychologist who has worked with couples for many decades. The method he has developed it to help couples identify what it is that they crave most in their lives. He spends most of the book leading you to his conclusion that I found very powerful. It is that what will become most whole when we are able to learn what are partner needs and provide it for them. He suggests that we may have subconsciously picked a partner that can best help us change to become a more complete person. That this process of transformation that we undergo to meet our partners needs will make us whole. This was a unique and powerful concept that I had never considered before.
There are also a number of exercises in the back of the book to help married couples through this process. To me these were less important than the message and the thought process and self recognition that the book led me through.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 15, 2009
Man, I love me some good pop psychology from time to time. :) This book explores the marriage relationship and why couples become stuck in patterns of behavior that make them wonder why they fell in love with their partner in the first place. Hendrix posits that the dynamics of marriage are often a stage upon which unmet childhood needs are re-enacted -- with, not coincidentally, a partner who very much resembles the negative qualities of the parent(s) who failed to meet those needs in the first place. The book discussed deep-seated, inaccessible memories that are written all over our brains. We're not conscious of them -- we can't even recall them on our own -- but they're there nonetheless, lurking in our subconscious, triggering an emotional response when we are in situations reminiscient of our childhood. The first third of the book explains all this, the second third talks about how couples can address these dynamics in their marriage and improve their relationship, and the last part is a series of exercises for couples to perform together. All in all, an enlightening and potentially useful read.
August 18, 2020
One of the best self-help books I've read and I've read at least 3 dozen in my lifetime.
The book zeros in on what you as the reader identifies as important to you in a relationship using a set of questions to discover those. Then it gives examples of how that will look in action.
This book, helped me realize that a man who wanted to marry, was not a good match for me. I begged him to read the book but he refused thinking I'm not sure what. It was a sign that the issues in the relationship would not be resolved. Thus, I chose to remain unattached.
After more than 2 decades, it is still a best seller with many reprints. Skip Dr. Phil or whomever else you trust. This is such a logical and understandable book with very simple actions suggested that will transform the way you see others and yourself particularly when you communicate.
The book zeros in on what you as the reader identifies as important to you in a relationship using a set of questions to discover those. Then it gives examples of how that will look in action.
This book, helped me realize that a man who wanted to marry, was not a good match for me. I begged him to read the book but he refused thinking I'm not sure what. It was a sign that the issues in the relationship would not be resolved. Thus, I chose to remain unattached.
After more than 2 decades, it is still a best seller with many reprints. Skip Dr. Phil or whomever else you trust. This is such a logical and understandable book with very simple actions suggested that will transform the way you see others and yourself particularly when you communicate.
October 22, 2015
This book is revolutionary,this is A Must-read for Everyone!
Every relationship you would have as an adult is affected by your childhood and your relationship with your parents or caregivers.
If parents really understood how much emotional damage they do to their children,they would think twice before inflicting such a pain upon them
They would have helped their children avoid years and years of failure and repeated patterns in relationships
They would have tried their best to treat and raise them right!
It is so serious and huge ,every deep wound we had can be tracked down to childhood and our parents or caregivers were always the primary cause of it
As children we internalize our experiences ,we see the world through our parents and it shapes our whole life ,our core beliefs and who we are as adults
But even though it's true ,I refuse the mentality of the victim so even if our parents did an awful job of raising us ,it is now up to us to face these deep wounds and heal them
We have to dig deep to reach the suppressed self where it lies in the subconscious
Every situation that triggers intense emotional response from us is due to a deep wound from childhood
This was a revelation for me becoz It made me realize why I acted so "irrationally"in some situations like a child while in fact the monster was rearing its head and the good news is once the subconscious becomes conscious ,it ceases to have power over you
The darkness inside of you wont stand the light of awareness so the wound is healed once it is realized on a conscious level
You can stop the pattern now and heal the trauma
People say opposites attract but the truth is we attract the person whose qualities we suppress ,that's why you could attract someone who is your complete opposite
Also one of the theories mentioned in the book is that we attract people who have traits similar to our caregivers because we want to heal our deep wounds of childhood through our partners to integrate the suppressed self and reach wholeness and completion
There are a lot of exercises in the book that help you heal these core wounds and improve your whole relationship
“A love marriage is defined as a voluntary union of two individuals based upon romantic attraction that is stirred by unconscious needs that have their roots in unresolved childhood issues.”
It's life-changing and transforming book ,read it and everything will start make sense to you .real change begins with self-awareness and this book will just show you how to make that change in your relationship so you can live a happily ever-after :)
Every relationship you would have as an adult is affected by your childhood and your relationship with your parents or caregivers.
If parents really understood how much emotional damage they do to their children,they would think twice before inflicting such a pain upon them
They would have helped their children avoid years and years of failure and repeated patterns in relationships
They would have tried their best to treat and raise them right!
It is so serious and huge ,every deep wound we had can be tracked down to childhood and our parents or caregivers were always the primary cause of it
As children we internalize our experiences ,we see the world through our parents and it shapes our whole life ,our core beliefs and who we are as adults
But even though it's true ,I refuse the mentality of the victim so even if our parents did an awful job of raising us ,it is now up to us to face these deep wounds and heal them
We have to dig deep to reach the suppressed self where it lies in the subconscious
Every situation that triggers intense emotional response from us is due to a deep wound from childhood
This was a revelation for me becoz It made me realize why I acted so "irrationally"in some situations like a child while in fact the monster was rearing its head and the good news is once the subconscious becomes conscious ,it ceases to have power over you
The darkness inside of you wont stand the light of awareness so the wound is healed once it is realized on a conscious level
You can stop the pattern now and heal the trauma
People say opposites attract but the truth is we attract the person whose qualities we suppress ,that's why you could attract someone who is your complete opposite
Also one of the theories mentioned in the book is that we attract people who have traits similar to our caregivers because we want to heal our deep wounds of childhood through our partners to integrate the suppressed self and reach wholeness and completion
There are a lot of exercises in the book that help you heal these core wounds and improve your whole relationship
“A love marriage is defined as a voluntary union of two individuals based upon romantic attraction that is stirred by unconscious needs that have their roots in unresolved childhood issues.”
It's life-changing and transforming book ,read it and everything will start make sense to you .real change begins with self-awareness and this book will just show you how to make that change in your relationship so you can live a happily ever-after :)
July 26, 2018
3.5 stars
I was shocked after reading this because I realized how right the writer was about mixing our childhood wounds with the needs we expect to be fulfilled through our marriage. This led me to see things through an entirely different light, not so positive for me, and made me realize my own mistakes instead of being critical of my husband all the time.
"I have found this phenomenon in many of my clients. They react to their partners as if they were carbon copies of their parents, even though not all of their traits are the same. In their compelling need to work on unfinished business, they project the missing parental traits onto their partners. Then, by treating their partners as if they actually had these traits, they manage to provoke the desired response."
That said, the book was also filled with a lot of redundant information IMO (especially the first 4 chapters) and also -my mistake for not understanding this from the title alone- addressed to couples; you can't do the exercises on your own, you need your spouse to read this and do them with you.
I will plan however to use the knowledge found here to try and moderate my own behavior and thought patterns; I already see my husband in a more positive and compassionate light than I did before reading this.
I was shocked after reading this because I realized how right the writer was about mixing our childhood wounds with the needs we expect to be fulfilled through our marriage. This led me to see things through an entirely different light, not so positive for me, and made me realize my own mistakes instead of being critical of my husband all the time.
"I have found this phenomenon in many of my clients. They react to their partners as if they were carbon copies of their parents, even though not all of their traits are the same. In their compelling need to work on unfinished business, they project the missing parental traits onto their partners. Then, by treating their partners as if they actually had these traits, they manage to provoke the desired response."
That said, the book was also filled with a lot of redundant information IMO (especially the first 4 chapters) and also -my mistake for not understanding this from the title alone- addressed to couples; you can't do the exercises on your own, you need your spouse to read this and do them with you.
I will plan however to use the knowledge found here to try and moderate my own behavior and thought patterns; I already see my husband in a more positive and compassionate light than I did before reading this.
May 19, 2018
Knowing this was promoted by Oprah and the New York Times makes it read more like a pseudo-science, self-help book promoting a movement more than a validated couples therapy approach. Indeed, much of Hendrix's relabeling of original therapeutic methods for active listening and empathy while listening to multigenerational family issues of each person made it feel like a repackaging that's simply more accessible to the general public. Some of his direct (and perhaps hokey) tactics are not for all, but there is certainly enough food for thought to spur one's thinking to change unwanted behaviors. If you're not one to throw the baby out with the bathwater, you may find this read valuable.
October 21, 2016
مشاكلنا التفسية العميقة ،، ردود أفعالنا المبهمة و تصرفاتنا أمام الصراعات الزوجية ،، هل يُعقل أن كل هذا سببه جراح الطفولة و مشاعرنا حين كنا براعم صغيرة ؟
هذا ما فصله الكاتب بشكل سلس و محبب بأن صراعاتنا الزوجية و أساس انجذابنا لشركاء حياتنا يكمن في تجارب الطفولة ولكي نحظى بعلاقة تتميز بالالتحام الروحي والحب فيجب على كلا الشريكين معالجة جراح الآخر وحين يفعل هذا سيكون قد عالج بعضاً من صفاته الذميمة في نفس الوقت.
أرفق الكاتب تمارين عملية في نهاية الكتاب ليطبقها الأزواج وهذا أضاف قيمة للكتاب بالنسبة لي ، لان معظم كتب المساعدة الذاتية تكون عادةً مقالية.
كتاب يستحق الاقتناء ،، ويستحق قراءة ثانية
هذا ما فصله الكاتب بشكل سلس و محبب بأن صراعاتنا الزوجية و أساس انجذابنا لشركاء حياتنا يكمن في تجارب الطفولة ولكي نحظى بعلاقة تتميز بالالتحام الروحي والحب فيجب على كلا الشريكين معالجة جراح الآخر وحين يفعل هذا سيكون قد عالج بعضاً من صفاته الذميمة في نفس الوقت.
أرفق الكاتب تمارين عملية في نهاية الكتاب ليطبقها الأزواج وهذا أضاف قيمة للكتاب بالنسبة لي ، لان معظم كتب المساعدة الذاتية تكون عادةً مقالية.
كتاب يستحق الاقتناء ،، ويستحق قراءة ثانية
July 25, 2019
There is no need to be in a miserable marriage full of negativity, anger and frustration to experience marital problems. After all, even healthy, happy marriages do have their habitual issues, ongoing arguments and recurring situations where partners feel at a loggerhead. Funnily enough, such situations are often brought about by the exact personality traits that had attracted us to our soulmate in the first place. Isn't it weird? Well, not according to Dr Harville Hendrix, a pastoral counsellor, educator and therapist.
Deeply influenced by psychoanalysis, he actually sees such recurrent marital conflicts as being rooted in personal unmet childhood needs. The first few chapters are therefore dedicated to explaining his theories, since understanding them is a first step towards understanding why such conflicts arise in the first place, and so be better prepared to deal with them.
So, what is it all about?
Well, to him, since infancy and throughout our childhood we are internalising our caretakers and other influential people's traits to such an extent, that those traits later serve as a template to what our ideal partner should be. Put bluntly: his claim is that we are attracted to romantic partner having common features with our parents! More than that, since (again: to him) we all have some sorts of emotional issues rooted in our childhood (eg from helicopter parenting or, on the contrary, neglectful etc.) he affirms that, as adult, we are actually attracted to such people in order to try and resolve these issues. In this logic, here's then where marital conflicts arise: we have an inbuilt image of the ideal partner (our 'imago') based on the personalities of our caretakers, an image which makes us attracted to whose embodying such personalities in order to solve our personal unmet childhood needs, whereas, obviously, our attraction are not going to solve such needs since they also embody the negative traits that had caused them in the first place... Well, is that so?
I don't know. In fact, I don't know what to think of psychoanalysis to start with! I believe it to be a mix of reductionist science and fancy claims built upon (paradoxically) some serious insights, so, unlike the author, I rather not go and rely entirely on Freud to try and explain our emotional drive! Besides, as he is a marriage therapist dealing mainly with dysfunctional couples, I feel his theories might make sense only for people who had dysfunctional upbringing; not to everyone. Indeed, and to be fair, I had such upbringing and his claims did talk to me to some extent... It might therefore contains some hint of truth, but I confess it seemed like too much wild assertions, and so, most flew me by.
More to the point, putting psychoanalysis asides, he then go on to offers advice in order to prevent the worst that can happen once partners finally realise that they don't match each others' unrealistic expectations that is, a power struggle where they battle to try and change each others, more often than not by acting in ways that are counter productive and destructive. Emotional push and pull, tit for tats, criticisms and blaming game, nagging, behaviours that are intentionally or not an escape to the frustration creeping in... This is what he calls 'an unconscious marriage' that is, 'a marriage that includes all the hidden desires and automatic behaviors that are left over from childhood and that inexorably lead couples into conflicts'. Now, again putting asides his emphasis on childhood 'left over' (for he might be right or not on that) haven't we all been there? That part of the book indeed will talk to many - whether you are in a marriage in crisis, reflecting upon past failed relationships, or having been through a divorce and are now striving to rebuild yourself by gaining insight into what went wrong, so as to don't repeat the same mistakes with a new partner.
His solutions? He unfolds a three bullet points way to bring up feelings when on the verge of arguing: mirroring, validation, empathy. To him, such tactics are not only ways to encourage understanding and so prevent arguments to escalate. They are a path towards 'a conscious marriage' that is, one where both lovers embrace the dark sides of their personalities (accepting some issues stem from their own childhood and so are theirs only, not for their soulmate to fix and solve) and, from then on, try and heal through better communication. Well, I don't know why you may look into this book; but I for one was after some help to deal with my interpersonal skills. Fortunately, my wife is amazing enough with people to truly know how to communicate. It's not my case. Mirroring-validation-empathy, if you are like my wife, will sound like plain common sense. If, on the contrary, you are more like me, then here's a great template to bear in mind when bringing up conflictual issues. This book, on that score, helps.
Would it be enough, though? I don't think so. The author seems to think that simply being aware of your unresolved issues, and knowing how to relate them to your partner, will suffice to resolve conflicts. It certainly make for an healthy awareness and may help to defuse the power struggle, but I personally don't see how it can solve the underlying issues which are, bottom line, the cause of the discords! Dr Harville Hendrix, or so I felt, addresses here a few symptoms but not the full illness.
So, what about it all? 'Getting the Love You Want' is spot on when it comes to describe how a negative dynamic can easily set in a marriage, creeping in to such a point that ongoing issues can dangerously trap partners in a frustrating power struggle. His focus in searching in your childhood the reasons why some behaviours can easily trigger you may be relevant, but I think it will be so only if you had a dysfunctional upbringing (I did, and his insight did help me; I give him credit for that) - if not, I think you could do away with the whole psychoanalytical parts. In fact, it's his advices on how to communicate well which will be useful; not only to learn how to express your feelings, but also how to listen to those of your partners. It certainly won't be enough to put a marriage back on track (I, like the author, went through a divorce and am now in my second marriage) but it can surely bring awareness on emotional issues while helping a closer bond. That's big enough a step!
An insightful read, then, but I was expecting more.
Deeply influenced by psychoanalysis, he actually sees such recurrent marital conflicts as being rooted in personal unmet childhood needs. The first few chapters are therefore dedicated to explaining his theories, since understanding them is a first step towards understanding why such conflicts arise in the first place, and so be better prepared to deal with them.
So, what is it all about?
Well, to him, since infancy and throughout our childhood we are internalising our caretakers and other influential people's traits to such an extent, that those traits later serve as a template to what our ideal partner should be. Put bluntly: his claim is that we are attracted to romantic partner having common features with our parents! More than that, since (again: to him) we all have some sorts of emotional issues rooted in our childhood (eg from helicopter parenting or, on the contrary, neglectful etc.) he affirms that, as adult, we are actually attracted to such people in order to try and resolve these issues. In this logic, here's then where marital conflicts arise: we have an inbuilt image of the ideal partner (our 'imago') based on the personalities of our caretakers, an image which makes us attracted to whose embodying such personalities in order to solve our personal unmet childhood needs, whereas, obviously, our attraction are not going to solve such needs since they also embody the negative traits that had caused them in the first place... Well, is that so?
I don't know. In fact, I don't know what to think of psychoanalysis to start with! I believe it to be a mix of reductionist science and fancy claims built upon (paradoxically) some serious insights, so, unlike the author, I rather not go and rely entirely on Freud to try and explain our emotional drive! Besides, as he is a marriage therapist dealing mainly with dysfunctional couples, I feel his theories might make sense only for people who had dysfunctional upbringing; not to everyone. Indeed, and to be fair, I had such upbringing and his claims did talk to me to some extent... It might therefore contains some hint of truth, but I confess it seemed like too much wild assertions, and so, most flew me by.
More to the point, putting psychoanalysis asides, he then go on to offers advice in order to prevent the worst that can happen once partners finally realise that they don't match each others' unrealistic expectations that is, a power struggle where they battle to try and change each others, more often than not by acting in ways that are counter productive and destructive. Emotional push and pull, tit for tats, criticisms and blaming game, nagging, behaviours that are intentionally or not an escape to the frustration creeping in... This is what he calls 'an unconscious marriage' that is, 'a marriage that includes all the hidden desires and automatic behaviors that are left over from childhood and that inexorably lead couples into conflicts'. Now, again putting asides his emphasis on childhood 'left over' (for he might be right or not on that) haven't we all been there? That part of the book indeed will talk to many - whether you are in a marriage in crisis, reflecting upon past failed relationships, or having been through a divorce and are now striving to rebuild yourself by gaining insight into what went wrong, so as to don't repeat the same mistakes with a new partner.
His solutions? He unfolds a three bullet points way to bring up feelings when on the verge of arguing: mirroring, validation, empathy. To him, such tactics are not only ways to encourage understanding and so prevent arguments to escalate. They are a path towards 'a conscious marriage' that is, one where both lovers embrace the dark sides of their personalities (accepting some issues stem from their own childhood and so are theirs only, not for their soulmate to fix and solve) and, from then on, try and heal through better communication. Well, I don't know why you may look into this book; but I for one was after some help to deal with my interpersonal skills. Fortunately, my wife is amazing enough with people to truly know how to communicate. It's not my case. Mirroring-validation-empathy, if you are like my wife, will sound like plain common sense. If, on the contrary, you are more like me, then here's a great template to bear in mind when bringing up conflictual issues. This book, on that score, helps.
Would it be enough, though? I don't think so. The author seems to think that simply being aware of your unresolved issues, and knowing how to relate them to your partner, will suffice to resolve conflicts. It certainly make for an healthy awareness and may help to defuse the power struggle, but I personally don't see how it can solve the underlying issues which are, bottom line, the cause of the discords! Dr Harville Hendrix, or so I felt, addresses here a few symptoms but not the full illness.
So, what about it all? 'Getting the Love You Want' is spot on when it comes to describe how a negative dynamic can easily set in a marriage, creeping in to such a point that ongoing issues can dangerously trap partners in a frustrating power struggle. His focus in searching in your childhood the reasons why some behaviours can easily trigger you may be relevant, but I think it will be so only if you had a dysfunctional upbringing (I did, and his insight did help me; I give him credit for that) - if not, I think you could do away with the whole psychoanalytical parts. In fact, it's his advices on how to communicate well which will be useful; not only to learn how to express your feelings, but also how to listen to those of your partners. It certainly won't be enough to put a marriage back on track (I, like the author, went through a divorce and am now in my second marriage) but it can surely bring awareness on emotional issues while helping a closer bond. That's big enough a step!
An insightful read, then, but I was expecting more.
May 12, 2020
I wasn't feeling the first part of this book very much, it just talked way too much about all of our relationship problems being based on our childhood wounds from our parents or caregivers. There was a lot of talk about childhood relationships. I'm not sure I was buying into all of it at all. I am not a psychologist though, but it was not what I was looking for in the book.
In part two when it started talking about actual relationship behaviors and the exercises and principals I found it very interesting! I haven't actually applied any of these but I feel like they would be very useful. They would definitely open up a lot of communication, interesting dialogue and seeing things from the other person's perspective. I could see these parts doing a lot of good for a relationship.
The thing that drove me the most crazy though was the awful gender norms portrayed in this book. The book was full of them and it was so annoying, dated and damaging!! The old fashioned stereotypes definitely need to be edited out of there. The audiobook I listened to says it was a 2004 version, so maybe they have been if you read a newer one. I'm not sure.
In part two when it started talking about actual relationship behaviors and the exercises and principals I found it very interesting! I haven't actually applied any of these but I feel like they would be very useful. They would definitely open up a lot of communication, interesting dialogue and seeing things from the other person's perspective. I could see these parts doing a lot of good for a relationship.
The thing that drove me the most crazy though was the awful gender norms portrayed in this book. The book was full of them and it was so annoying, dated and damaging!! The old fashioned stereotypes definitely need to be edited out of there. The audiobook I listened to says it was a 2004 version, so maybe they have been if you read a newer one. I'm not sure.
September 12, 2015
My husband and I agreed to read this book over the summer. Written by an experienced marriage counsellor, the book is broken into three parts. The first section illustrates why people are attracted to each other and the reasons why relationships become unhealthy. After reading the first part, I wondered how it was possible for anyone to have a healthy relationship.
The second section outlines the conscious steps we need to take to carve out a healthy relationship. As I was reading these pages, I felt challenged and - at the same time - wondered if I was up to the task. I could see, in reading this part, how difficult it is for Ken and me to listen to each other when our buttons are getting pushed. There are several practical elements to the second section.
Practical exercises make up the third part of the book.
I want to give a copy of this book to each of our adult kids. As parents, we want the best for our kids and we want to see them flourish in healthy and loving relationships.
The second section outlines the conscious steps we need to take to carve out a healthy relationship. As I was reading these pages, I felt challenged and - at the same time - wondered if I was up to the task. I could see, in reading this part, how difficult it is for Ken and me to listen to each other when our buttons are getting pushed. There are several practical elements to the second section.
Practical exercises make up the third part of the book.
I want to give a copy of this book to each of our adult kids. As parents, we want the best for our kids and we want to see them flourish in healthy and loving relationships.
April 2, 2016
لم تضحى الحياة بين محببين برومانسية روميو وجوليت
فهي حياة تتخللها أزمات عاطفية .. تجعلها تنحرف عن مصيرها المعهود
وهو البقاء لأبد الأبدين
..................................................................
يطرح د/هارفيل هندريكس ..
فرضية وهي ما أظن إنها حقيقةٌ مثبة ..
كون معظم مشاكلنا تبدأ من مهدنا .. وتتخذ أشكالاً متعددة
والحل ليس في الطرفين بل الحل في تاريخهم الأسري الحافل بأزمات .. عاطفية وجسدية
وهنا تقع أهمية الكتاب ومسؤوليته .. هي الأخذ بيديك إلى بر الأمان بعلاقتك بشريك حياتك
من خلال البحث والتجوال في الطفل القابع بداخلك ..
والعمل على منحه ما قد فقده من أقرباءه ..
وبالطبع يعمل الكتاب على الطرفين .. وهو ما يميزه عن بقية كتب العلاقات المطروحة في هذا المجال
والتي تحث على تحسين نفسك بدلاً من تحسين علاقتكم ببعضكم البعض ..
ولا يخفى عنا .. كون الكتاب ملحق بعدد من التمارين المفيدة في كشف علاقة المشكلة الحالية .. بمشاكلنا الطفولية ..
فهو كتاب يستحق الأقتناء :)
فهي حياة تتخللها أزمات عاطفية .. تجعلها تنحرف عن مصيرها المعهود
وهو البقاء لأبد الأبدين
..................................................................
يطرح د/هارفيل هندريكس ..
فرضية وهي ما أظن إنها حقيقةٌ مثبة ..
كون معظم مشاكلنا تبدأ من مهدنا .. وتتخذ أشكالاً متعددة
والحل ليس في الطرفين بل الحل في تاريخهم الأسري الحافل بأزمات .. عاطفية وجسدية
وهنا تقع أهمية الكتاب ومسؤوليته .. هي الأخذ بيديك إلى بر الأمان بعلاقتك بشريك حياتك
من خلال البحث والتجوال في الطفل القابع بداخلك ..
والعمل على منحه ما قد فقده من أقرباءه ..
وبالطبع يعمل الكتاب على الطرفين .. وهو ما يميزه عن بقية كتب العلاقات المطروحة في هذا المجال
والتي تحث على تحسين نفسك بدلاً من تحسين علاقتكم ببعضكم البعض ..
ولا يخفى عنا .. كون الكتاب ملحق بعدد من التمارين المفيدة في كشف علاقة المشكلة الحالية .. بمشاكلنا الطفولية ..
فهو كتاب يستحق الأقتناء :)
May 17, 2021
I can’t say enough good things about this book. This is not a book that you will read and then hand to your partner and say ‘fix yourself’. This book is about you. This book is about your partner. And this book is about how your relationship can ascend to a higher level Once you acknowledge some stuff about you and also your partner and together you actually start having an adult, intimate relationship. I hope my husband is game to read it and together we can create something new and something that’s better than us both individually.
April 16, 2008
I found this book really insightful. It made me think about where I come from and the influences that affect my relationships, especially with my wife. It revealed a lot of things about me that I hadn't considered before. I would recommend this to anyone. You don't have to be married to learn from it.
May 29, 2014
Some 20 years ago, psychotherapist Harville Hendrix had a few couples coming to his consulting room. He discovered that the reason people fall in love with this or that particular person resides on unconscious ground, mainly based on early-life experiences with their caretakers. In other words, what we really seek through our love partners is to resolve the “unfinished business” we had with our parents and the childhood wounds we still carry within ourselves.
The problem is that more often that not, our love partner is (unconsciously) seeking the same thing with us and we end up being unable to satisfy each other’s needs. These findings led Hendrix to the development of Imago Therapy, which consists in: 1) becoming conscious of that state of affairs, 2) building a relationship vision, 3) learning how to really listen to our partner’s needs and expressing our own, while avoiding the pitfall of the power struggle, 4) remomanticizing our lives.
In short, a very good book, with a set of hands-on exercises to practice Imago Therapy. I would dare say that the Imago Dialogue is a practice that goes far beyond couples and can be applied to any sort of human interaction.
The problem is that more often that not, our love partner is (unconsciously) seeking the same thing with us and we end up being unable to satisfy each other’s needs. These findings led Hendrix to the development of Imago Therapy, which consists in: 1) becoming conscious of that state of affairs, 2) building a relationship vision, 3) learning how to really listen to our partner’s needs and expressing our own, while avoiding the pitfall of the power struggle, 4) remomanticizing our lives.
In short, a very good book, with a set of hands-on exercises to practice Imago Therapy. I would dare say that the Imago Dialogue is a practice that goes far beyond couples and can be applied to any sort of human interaction.
February 5, 2015
Hard to decide whether to give it 4 or 5 stars. The insight is unmatched by any other relationship book I have come across, but it is a bit of an old and slow read. I still completely recommend it. I heard of it through Oprah on Super Soul Sunday. She declared it as a game-changer for her own relationships. I am starting to truly understand why marriage is so complicated and difficult as well as delightful and divine, depending on the day. I love the optimism of this book- you CAN have a contented marriage, pretty much no matter what. Even if only one of you is ready to change at the moment, implementing some of these practices will probably wake up your partner to the possibilities of peace in your relationship. The IMAGO theory feels dead-on to me, and Harville Hendrix has done the research.
December 3, 2013
I despise the use of filler in books. My advice to non-fiction authors would be "just get to the damn point!" Much of this book is filler.
Still, it has useful information, such that I recommend reading it for anyone who is in a relationship, whether that relationship be a great one or a tense one, or in between those two. It describes what we (unconsciously) look for in a partner and why. It describes written and verbal exercises couples can do together to improve communication. These alone make it a worthwhile read, despite all of the filler.
I am going through the exercises with my partner, and I can see that if you're consciously trying to incorporate this book's wisdom into your life, your relationship will improve.
But damn, that filler...
Still, it has useful information, such that I recommend reading it for anyone who is in a relationship, whether that relationship be a great one or a tense one, or in between those two. It describes what we (unconsciously) look for in a partner and why. It describes written and verbal exercises couples can do together to improve communication. These alone make it a worthwhile read, despite all of the filler.
I am going through the exercises with my partner, and I can see that if you're consciously trying to incorporate this book's wisdom into your life, your relationship will improve.
But damn, that filler...
April 15, 2008
This book was so eye opening for me. I love the solid mix of psychological theories; the author has a great handle on the psyche and has explained his ideas and beliefs in clear common languange. This book is for anyone! For couples, for single people looking for a relationship, for married individuals searching alone to better their relationship... basically anyone could benefit from reading this book.
My husband and I are reading through the book and though it has only been a short time, my eyes have been open to the way we treat each other and the reasons we react as we do to the other persons actions. I loved it!
My husband and I are reading through the book and though it has only been a short time, my eyes have been open to the way we treat each other and the reasons we react as we do to the other persons actions. I loved it!
December 6, 2019
Meh... I began reading the "updated and revised" edition before putting it down. The authors attempt to be more "inclusive" and portray the material in a more politically correct fashion sensitive to modern societal norms and alternative relationships is a huge letdown, particularly regarding a subject as ancient, unchanging and traditional as marriage.
Also, the author admits changing an entire chapter from the previous publication, because he had later concluded he was completely wrong. Thus, it would be difficult at this point to take seriously any of the book's content. Pseudo science?
Also, the author admits changing an entire chapter from the previous publication, because he had later concluded he was completely wrong. Thus, it would be difficult at this point to take seriously any of the book's content. Pseudo science?
July 18, 2007
An amazing look into the foundations of human attraction by the first person to do extensive clinical research into it. The author also explains some of the fundamentals of the human mind and the levels on which it operates. I am firmly convinced that if my wife and I had not read and studied this book together, we would have never married and thus would have completely missed out on what has turned out to be the relationship of a lifetime.
September 2, 2011
I highly recommend this book to any couple serious about making their long term relationship thrive. It's clear, logical, and provides real-world techniques for developing the interpersonal skills that can take a marriage beyond the blahs to regain and enrich the love that was there from the beginning. After two failed marriages, I know that reading this book has better equipped me for my next relationship. PS: it takes both parties committing to the deal. Read the book; you won't regret it.
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February 11, 2019There are valuable ideas here, but I have a hard time getting behind some of the premises. In particular, I'm unable to draw many parallels between the traits of my parents and the traits of my husband. (Maybe people who know us can point to them!) I would like to try the exercises, so my opinion may change if/when that process is complete.
June 22, 2017
WHAT AN AMAZING BOOK.
must read for every one
must read for every one
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