A very useful read for just about everyone. Although the book mostly focuses on receiving feedback, it also provides lots of useful insights about giving feedback. There was a lot of insightful information in this book, but after finishing it, I must admit I struggled in terms of how to turn it into action. Hopefully, writing up these notes in GoodReads will help me to think through everything I learned, and perhaps start applying it my day to day life.
Here are some of the key insights:
1. Why you should get better at receiving feedback
Whether you like it or not, in the real world, most people suck at giving feedback. So if you want to succeed in life, learning how to effectively receive feedback—even from people who are terrible at giving feedback—is an absolutely essential skill.
2. There are three types of feedback
- Appreciation: saying thank you and showing gratitude.
- Coaching: providing guidance to help someone improve.
- Evaluation: an assessment that lets someone know where they stand.
For example, if someone asks you for feedback on the first chapter of a book they are writing, sometimes, they are just looking for appreciation: e.g., "this is great, keep going!" Sometimes, they are looking for coaching: e.g., "you can make your arguments more persuasive by rearranging..." And sometimes, they are looking for evaluation: e.g., "this a pretty good story, but it's not quite as good as..."
If you provide the wrong type of feedback, it can be a disaster: e.g., someone is looking for appreciation and encouragement ("you're doing great, keep going!"), but you instead provide evaluation ("this isn't as good as..."), which they find crushing. Therefore, one of the biggest takeaways from this book is simply to be aware of the different types of feedback, and when asking for feedback, always be explicit and clear about what type of feedback you're looking for. Similarly, when providing feedback always (a) ask what type of feedback someone is looking for, (b) be explicit and clear about what type of feedback you're providing, and (c) check in regularly to make sure that your feedback is being received in the way you intend.
Of course, the separation between the different types of feedback is not always so clear cut. For example, if you're coaching, you're implicitly saying the person isn't as good as they could be, which is an evaluation. Also, when you provide evaluation first, it often drowns out everything else: e.g., if your performance evaluation says, "below expectations," the emotional impact of that can drown out all that follows, including whatever coaching a manager may be trying to provide. So if your goal is coaching, you need to put the person's mind at ease first about evaluation: e.g., "Your career here is safe, and you're well on your way up. Let's talk about a few things you can do better to get there faster..."
3. Triggers that block feedback
Whenever you receive tough feedback, there are three main "triggers" that may block your ability to really hear that feedback:
- Truth triggers: you reject feedback because of its content, which you believe is wrong or unfair.
- Relationship triggers: you reject the feedback because of the person giving the feedback.
- Identity triggers: you reject the feedback because it forces you to question your own identity.
These triggers often kick in immediately: e.g., you hear some feedback and have an almost instant reaction where you reject it as untrue or unfair. And while some feedback really is untrue or unfair, a lot of feedback has value to it, and to benefit from that value, you have to learn how to get past these triggers.
3a. Dealing with truth triggers
The first step to dealing with truth triggers is to make sure you actually understand the feedback. You may think you do, but in many cases, you don't really understand the other person's point of view, and you just respond with "WRONG" before you've had a chance to process it. Instead, pause, take a breath, and ask clarifying questions:
- Instead of looking for what's wrong or different and trying to point out every error, ask why there are differences. This may reveal data you weren't aware of or a different way to interpret the data.
- Get into the habits of looking for labels: e.g., "You’re too xxx" or "don’t be so yyy." Labels can be interpreted in many different ways, so try to go deeper and understand the meaning and intent. Ask for examples and ask where the feedback is coming from, as hearing the data that led to the feedback helps reveal context.
- Finally, try to repeat back what you heard, in your own words, to make sure you really understand what the other person meant.
Second, realize that you have blind spots: something that others can see about you that you can't see about yourself. For example, you can't see your own face or hear your own town of voice when speaking, but others can. Sometimes what you think is wrong is actually something you're blind to. There are 3 common amplifiers of blind spots:
- Emotional math. It's very easy to be unaware of your own emotions and to subtract them from the story you tell. E.g., In your mind, all you did was tell your coworker "no." But what your coworker actually saw was that you got red, yelled, and stormed out of the room. To you, what you said is the story. To your colleague, your anger is the story.
- Situation vs character. I tend to attribute my own actions to the situation, whereas I attribute the actions of others to their character. E.g., When I'm late for a meeting, it's because I was juggling 5 things, but when someone else is late for a meeting, it's because they are a sloppy, inconsiderate person.
- Intention vs impact. For myself, I tend to think of the (internal) intention as the most important thing, whereas for others, I tend to think as the (external) impact as the most important thing. Note: It's critical to discuss intention and impact separately when giving feedback!
Third, realize that all feedback will be wrong in some way or another, but just because there are some errors doesn't mean you have to reject the whole thing; you can still learn a lot from the parts that are right.
3b. Dealing with relationship triggers
First, you need to separate the what from the who. Perhaps you're not happy with your relationship with that person, but that doesn't mean the feedback is wrong. Try to explicitly call out and discuss the content of the feedback and the relationship with the feedback giver as two separate topics.
Second, try to make the relationship system more explicit too: e.g., if one of you is a manager and the other a direct report, or father and child, or best friends, or whatever else, making the system you're in more visible will help understand the feedback better.
3c. Dealing with identity triggers
First, avoid an all-or-nothing identity. If you see someone as either pure good or pure evil, then any feedback that you did something that isn't good is evidence that you must be pure evil, which is crushing. Life is not black and white, all-or-nothing. Make sure your identity isn't either.
Second, realize we're not all wired the same way. Some people have very strong emotional reactions to feedback and the impact of that feedback lasts a long time; others have only a small reaction that goes away quickly. You can't change that wiring, but if you're aware of it, you can at least learn to recognize your own reactions and that of others.
Third, realize that even if your wiring can't change, your identity, skills, and much else about you can. See "growth mindset" for a lot more on this topic.
4. How to turn down feedback
If you've fully heard and understood the other person's feedback, but decide not to follow it, then make that explicit!
- Although the decision on whether to listen to feedback or not is yours, the consequences affect everyone. Acknowledge that!
- Make it clear why you made the decision you did: e.g., "I know smoking is bad, but there's so much going on in my life right now that I can't quit right now, and will try later."
- Give people tools to deal with your decision, even though you didn't follow their feedback: e.g., "I know I tend to dominate the conversation, and I can't fully fix that right now, but I give you full permission to interrupt me if it happens."
- Try to problem solve together: e.g., "I've lived in this house for 50 years, and am not ready to move to a retirement home right now, so let's find a way where I can keep living here, but still be safe."
5. Ask for what you need
- Ask for the exact type of feedback you need: e.g., appreciation, coaching, evaluation.
- If the feedback giver doesn't understand the different types of feedback, find a way to force the conversation that way anyway. E.g., If you want appreciation and encouragement, instead of, "can I have some feedback," ask, "what are your 3 favorite parts?"
- Learn how to handle tough situations. E.g., "We’re at a deadlock. Your solution is that I give in, but that doesn’t seem fair. What other options do you propose?"
6. Try the feedback out
We're often afraid to take feedback because we assume it requires some huge, painful, irreversible change. But the reality is that you can make it much easier to accept feedback by remembering two things:
- It's OK to just temporarily try the feedback out. That is, sit with the feedback for a little while and just see how it feels. If it doesn’t fit, no problem, let it go. There's no risk! But maybe, after a little time has passed, you'll realize the feedback fits.
- Remember that the changes suggested by feedback don't have to be forever. For example, it's not "do yoga for the rest of your life," it's, "try yoga for one day." It’s not, "change this presentation forever," it’s, "try doing the presentation differently one time." Lower the bar for accepting feedback and you'll find it much easier to take!