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Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person: & Other Essays
We are all desperate, of course, to marry the right person. But none of us ever quite does. The fault isn’t entirely our own; it has to do with the devilish truth that anyone we’re liable to meet is going to be rather wrong, in some fascinating way or another, because this is simply what all humans happen to be – including, sadly, ourselves. Yet – as these darkly encouraging and witty essays propose – we don’t need perfection to be happy. So long as we enter our relationships in the right spirit, we have every chance of coping well enough with, and even delighting in, the inevitable and distinctive wrongness that lies in ourselves and our beloveds.
The New York Times’s most-read article of 2016 – now in expanded book form.
The New York Times’s most-read article of 2016 – now in expanded book form.
72 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 1, 2017
105 people are currently reading
2034 people want to read
About the author
The School of Life
164 books2,990 followersThe School of Life is a global organisation helping people lead more fulfilled lives.
We believe that the journey to finding fulfilment begins with self-knowledge. It is only when we have a sense of who we really are that we can make reliable decisions, particularly around love and work.
Sadly, tools and techniques for developing self-knowledge and finding fulfilment are hard to find – they’re not taught in schools, in universities, or in workplaces. Too many of us go through life without ever really understanding what’s going on in the recesses of our minds.
That’s why we created The School of Life; a resource for helping us understand ourselves, for improving our relationships, our careers and our social lives - as well as for helping us find calm and get more out of our leisure hours. We do this through films, workshops, books and gifts - as well as through a warm and supportive community.
We believe that the journey to finding fulfilment begins with self-knowledge. It is only when we have a sense of who we really are that we can make reliable decisions, particularly around love and work.
Sadly, tools and techniques for developing self-knowledge and finding fulfilment are hard to find – they’re not taught in schools, in universities, or in workplaces. Too many of us go through life without ever really understanding what’s going on in the recesses of our minds.
That’s why we created The School of Life; a resource for helping us understand ourselves, for improving our relationships, our careers and our social lives - as well as for helping us find calm and get more out of our leisure hours. We do this through films, workshops, books and gifts - as well as through a warm and supportive community.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 163 reviews
April 14, 2021
من اینو نمی فهمم که چرا
باید آدم عوضی ترجمه بشه؟ آدم نامناسب بهتر نیست؟ wrong person
شاید یکی خیلی هم آدم خوبی باشه ولی برای من مناسب نباشه. دلیل نمیشه بهش بگیم عوضی
باید آدم عوضی ترجمه بشه؟ آدم نامناسب بهتر نیست؟ wrong person
شاید یکی خیلی هم آدم خوبی باشه ولی برای من مناسب نباشه. دلیل نمیشه بهش بگیم عوضی
November 18, 2022
School has been kicking my ass, so I have been unable to read as much as I would like to. In between periods of intense work, I get a few minutes here and there. I have had more than a few conversations lately that have centred around the theme of modern relationships, and specifically regarding the longevity of these relationships. I decided to pick up this book again, having last read it over two years ago. It’s still impactful. I’m not sure that I can say much that would add to the book - you could finish it in under an hour. Here are some choice bits:
A good partnership is not so much one between two healthy people (there aren’t many of those on the planet), it’s one between two demented people who have had the skill or luck to find a non-threatening accommodation between their relative insanities.
One of the greatest privileges of being on one’s own is the flattering illusion that one is, in truth, really quite an easy person to live with.
We need to know the intimate functioning of the psyche of the person we’re planning to marry. We need to know their attitudes to, and stance on, authority, humiliation, introspection, sexual intimacy, money, children, ageing, fidelity and a hundred things besides. This knowledge won’t be available via a standard chat. We need a level of insight currently generally only available to psychological professionals at the PhD level.
(This one was really cute - sent it around to my fellow psychological professionals for a good laugh, but I generally do agree with the sentiment)
It’s only from the perspective of singledom that a marriage can look peaceful, uneventful - and enviably boring.
Always a good topic to read up on, no matter what stage of life you’re in and what your general goals are.
----------------------
1st Review, June 2020
Day by day, book by book, I gain a new appreciation for The School of Life. This was a joy.
A good partnership is not so much one between two healthy people (there aren’t many of those on the planet), it’s one between two demented people who have had the skill or luck to find a non-threatening accommodation between their relative insanities.
One of the greatest privileges of being on one’s own is the flattering illusion that one is, in truth, really quite an easy person to live with.
We need to know the intimate functioning of the psyche of the person we’re planning to marry. We need to know their attitudes to, and stance on, authority, humiliation, introspection, sexual intimacy, money, children, ageing, fidelity and a hundred things besides. This knowledge won’t be available via a standard chat. We need a level of insight currently generally only available to psychological professionals at the PhD level.
(This one was really cute - sent it around to my fellow psychological professionals for a good laugh, but I generally do agree with the sentiment)
It’s only from the perspective of singledom that a marriage can look peaceful, uneventful - and enviably boring.
Always a good topic to read up on, no matter what stage of life you’re in and what your general goals are.
----------------------
1st Review, June 2020
Day by day, book by book, I gain a new appreciation for The School of Life. This was a joy.
Read
December 17, 2024158th book of 2023.
I wasn't going to put this on my Goodreads, but I've decided to simply record some of the ideas from it. Like any sane 20-something year old, on Christmas Eve, after a few drinks (at least on my end), Alan and I briefly discussed love and marriage. Not far into the conversation he told me to read this book and then get back to him. I did. I told him it seemed a bit nihilist to me. He argued it wasn't nihilist, but truthful. I'm now seeing the subheading on Goodreads 'A pessimist's guide'. I'm fairly cynical about most things anyway, but the verification of that cynicism was a little depressing. But then again, there was something stoic about it the facts too: there are things that cannot be changed.
One essay outlines the long-gone 'Marriage of Reason' criteria for marriage.
In the new age, our current age, or the 'Marriage of Psychology', we should ask these questions:
These seem simple enough, though in my teenage years I certainly dated girls I was not friends with. Interestingly, as cliche as it sounds, I've felt my tastes and priorities change as I've grown older. Somewhat paradoxically, another essay suggests: 'No one else would be better [as a partner]. Everyone is as bad.' And as for loyalty on the one hand and sex on the other, another essay reads,
One of the most helpful essays was around loving/being loved. The writer outlined the concept that as children, most of us were 'loved', and didn't have to reciprocate in any way, really, to continue receiving that love. When a child shouts "I hate you!" at a parent, the essay says, the parent,
The parent, instead, understands that the child does not know how to say 'I'm lonely, in pain, or frightened'. But sadly, 'we find it exceptionally hard to make this move with our partners: to hear what they truly mean, rather than responding (furiously) to what they are saying.'
Or as some blokes once sung, In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
We had guests this Christmas weekend, family from Australia, so I'd spent the day in groups and not catching anyone alone. I bumped into my mum in the hallway and said, I've just read a book of essays titled, Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person. She gave me a lopsided smile that said, "I could have told you that..." but I sensed there was a wink in there somewhere too.
I wasn't going to put this on my Goodreads, but I've decided to simply record some of the ideas from it. Like any sane 20-something year old, on Christmas Eve, after a few drinks (at least on my end), Alan and I briefly discussed love and marriage. Not far into the conversation he told me to read this book and then get back to him. I did. I told him it seemed a bit nihilist to me. He argued it wasn't nihilist, but truthful. I'm now seeing the subheading on Goodreads 'A pessimist's guide'. I'm fairly cynical about most things anyway, but the verification of that cynicism was a little depressing. But then again, there was something stoic about it the facts too: there are things that cannot be changed.
One essay outlines the long-gone 'Marriage of Reason' criteria for marriage.
- Who are their parents?
- How much land do they have?
- How culturally similar are they?
In the new age, our current age, or the 'Marriage of Psychology', we should ask these questions:
- How are they mad?
- How can we raise children with them?
- How can we develop together?
- How can we remain friends?
- How can we accommodate our competing needs for extracurricular sex on the one hand and loyalty on the other?
These seem simple enough, though in my teenage years I certainly dated girls I was not friends with. Interestingly, as cliche as it sounds, I've felt my tastes and priorities change as I've grown older. Somewhat paradoxically, another essay suggests: 'No one else would be better [as a partner]. Everyone is as bad.' And as for loyalty on the one hand and sex on the other, another essay reads,
Both parties must therefore scrupulously avoid making the marriage 'about sex'. They must also, from the outset, plan for the most challenging issue that will, statistically speaking, arise for them: that one or the other will have affairs. Someone is properly ready for marriage when they are ready to behave maturely around betraying and being betrayed.
One of the most helpful essays was around loving/being loved. The writer outlined the concept that as children, most of us were 'loved', and didn't have to reciprocate in any way, really, to continue receiving that love. When a child shouts "I hate you!" at a parent, the essay says, the parent,
does not automatically go numb with shock or threaten to leave the house and never come back, because the parent knows that the child is not giving the executive summary of a deeply thought-out and patient investigation into the state of the relationship. The cause of these words might be hunger, a lost but crucial piece of Lego, the fact that they went to a cocktail party last night, that they won't let them play a computer game, or that they have an earache...
The parent, instead, understands that the child does not know how to say 'I'm lonely, in pain, or frightened'. But sadly, 'we find it exceptionally hard to make this move with our partners: to hear what they truly mean, rather than responding (furiously) to what they are saying.'
Or as some blokes once sung, In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
We had guests this Christmas weekend, family from Australia, so I'd spent the day in groups and not catching anyone alone. I bumped into my mum in the hallway and said, I've just read a book of essays titled, Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person. She gave me a lopsided smile that said, "I could have told you that..." but I sensed there was a wink in there somewhere too.
May 5, 2022
I didn't.
December 2, 2021
Який рік, такі й книжки.. Проте в цієї спільноти The School of Life (з якою мене познайомила моя bestie в Амстердамі) є ще багато класних життєвих "трактатів", тому зверніть увагу.
Історично склалося, що існують два типи подружжя:
- Marriage of Reason заради об'єднання спільних територій і збагачення роду;
- Romatic Marriage, який прийшов на зміну меркантильному погляду, для якого достатньо лише відчувати прекрасні емоції та любов.
Школа Життя вважає, настав час для третього типу — Marriage of Psychology. Одним з перших питань до партнера на етапі ранніх стосунків має стати: "And how are you mad?"
Для чого люди одружуються взагалі? Для того, щоб "заморозити" момент щастя, щоб приємні речі стали постійними. Нам здається, що шлюб — це гарантія того щастя, яке ми відчуваємо саме в цей момент з нашим партнером. Очевидно, це не так. Шлюб виводить стосунки на зовсім інший, складний рівень, аж ніяк не романтичний, а більше схожий до ведення малого бізнесу. A couple must draw work roasters, clean, cook, fix, chauffeur, throw away, hire, reconcile and budget.
Чи обов'язково, щоб у пари були спільні смаки? В Романтичному шлюбі, звичайно, що так. Це короткотермінова перспектива, ваші різні особистості все ж вилізуть на поверхню. The person who is truly best suited to us is not the person who shares our tastes, but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently and wisely. Ваша спорідненість — результат стосунків, але не їхня передумова.
Чому секс та любов не належать разом? Бо це романтичний погляд на речі. А так як в подружжі виникають інші ключові проблеми (адміністрування, продовження роду, companionship), то, як би не було сумно, сексуальне життя страждатиме. Рано чи пізно, треба бути готовим до потенційної подружньої зради. We are ready to get married when we accept a large degree of sexual resignation and the task of sublimation.
Історично склалося, що існують два типи подружжя:
- Marriage of Reason заради об'єднання спільних територій і збагачення роду;
- Romatic Marriage, який прийшов на зміну меркантильному погляду, для якого достатньо лише відчувати прекрасні емоції та любов.
Школа Життя вважає, настав час для третього типу — Marriage of Psychology. Одним з перших питань до партнера на етапі ранніх стосунків має стати: "And how are you mad?"
Для чого люди одружуються взагалі? Для того, щоб "заморозити" момент щастя, щоб приємні речі стали постійними. Нам здається, що шлюб — це гарантія того щастя, яке ми відчуваємо саме в цей момент з нашим партнером. Очевидно, це не так. Шлюб виводить стосунки на зовсім інший, складний рівень, аж ніяк не романтичний, а більше схожий до ведення малого бізнесу. A couple must draw work roasters, clean, cook, fix, chauffeur, throw away, hire, reconcile and budget.
Чи обов'язково, щоб у пари були спільні смаки? В Романтичному шлюбі, звичайно, що так. Це короткотермінова перспектива, ваші різні особистості все ж вилізуть на поверхню. The person who is truly best suited to us is not the person who shares our tastes, but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently and wisely. Ваша спорідненість — результат стосунків, але не їхня передумова.
Чому секс та любов не належать разом? Бо це романтичний погляд на речі. А так як в подружжі виникають інші ключові проблеми (адміністрування, продовження роду, companionship), то, як би не було сумно, сексуальне життя страждатиме. Рано чи пізно, треба бути готовим до потенційної подружньої зради. We are ready to get married when we accept a large degree of sexual resignation and the task of sublimation.
January 9, 2023
"Kak Hestia percaya dengan jodoh adalah cerminan diri kita, nggak?"
Aku dapat pertanyaan serupa ketika iseng membuka sesi T&J Bookish Couple beberapa hari lalu. Kebetulan sekali malam sebelumnya baru selesai membaca Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person, esai 75 halaman dari The School of Life.
Buku ini dibuka dengan bagaimana manusia zaman sekarang masih "terjebak" dalam imaji "Marriage of Romance." Bahwa pernikahan itu terjadi karena perasaan saling suka (saja). Pokoknya hatiku bergetar & detak jantungku semakin cepat kalau ada dia (mirip lagunya Dewa19). Konstruksi seperti itu menjadi perangkap.
Kenapa? Modal kisah cinta romantis, kita jadi berharap punya pacar yang "sama-sama suka baca kayak pacarnya kak Hestia 🥺" Tapi, sudahkah kita work ourselves to be that kind of partner? Kok enak banget pengin punya pasangan kriteria A tapi kita nggak usaha buat jadi kriteria A juga?
Bagian pertama buku ini langsung on point. Kita menikahi orang yang salah karena "we don't understand ourselves" yg berujung "we dont understand other people."
Aku juga baru ngeh kalau saat ini sedang mengases partnerku untuk Marriage of Psychology: banyak komunikasi soal resolusi konflik, nggak mengindari hard conversation, learn to compromise, draw healthy bounderies dll.
Bukunya menarik buat dibaca. It keeps you napak tanah ketika diserbu konten uwu di medsos. And make you check on yourself, have I put an effort for it?
Sbg gambaran, buat dipertemukan Syemmi, aku bikin Baca Bareng, rutin bikin konten buku, upgrade diri lewat Career Class. None of it was easy. Tapi hasilnya "kelihatan" (luv u beb @hasyemiraws ).
Anyway, terbitan The School of Life sungguh pricey. Buat kamu yg pengin baca tapi nggak masalah kalau aksesnya lewat ponsel, bisa langsung sign up @storytel.id . Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person ada di sana.
Jadi gimana, sudah siap mencari partner yg bisa diajak "Marriage of Psychology"? 😊
Aku dapat pertanyaan serupa ketika iseng membuka sesi T&J Bookish Couple beberapa hari lalu. Kebetulan sekali malam sebelumnya baru selesai membaca Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person, esai 75 halaman dari The School of Life.
Buku ini dibuka dengan bagaimana manusia zaman sekarang masih "terjebak" dalam imaji "Marriage of Romance." Bahwa pernikahan itu terjadi karena perasaan saling suka (saja). Pokoknya hatiku bergetar & detak jantungku semakin cepat kalau ada dia (mirip lagunya Dewa19). Konstruksi seperti itu menjadi perangkap.
Kenapa? Modal kisah cinta romantis, kita jadi berharap punya pacar yang "sama-sama suka baca kayak pacarnya kak Hestia 🥺" Tapi, sudahkah kita work ourselves to be that kind of partner? Kok enak banget pengin punya pasangan kriteria A tapi kita nggak usaha buat jadi kriteria A juga?
Bagian pertama buku ini langsung on point. Kita menikahi orang yang salah karena "we don't understand ourselves" yg berujung "we dont understand other people."
Aku juga baru ngeh kalau saat ini sedang mengases partnerku untuk Marriage of Psychology: banyak komunikasi soal resolusi konflik, nggak mengindari hard conversation, learn to compromise, draw healthy bounderies dll.
Bukunya menarik buat dibaca. It keeps you napak tanah ketika diserbu konten uwu di medsos. And make you check on yourself, have I put an effort for it?
Sbg gambaran, buat dipertemukan Syemmi, aku bikin Baca Bareng, rutin bikin konten buku, upgrade diri lewat Career Class. None of it was easy. Tapi hasilnya "kelihatan" (luv u beb @hasyemiraws ).
Anyway, terbitan The School of Life sungguh pricey. Buat kamu yg pengin baca tapi nggak masalah kalau aksesnya lewat ponsel, bisa langsung sign up @storytel.id . Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person ada di sana.
Jadi gimana, sudah siap mencari partner yg bisa diajak "Marriage of Psychology"? 😊
August 29, 2018
ز خوندن کتابهای الکترونیکی خوشم نمیاد اما استثنا اینو خوندم .از آلن دو باتن هست. نیمچه کتاب 72 صفحه ای هست . با خوندنش متوجه میشین چه قدر معیار و ملاکهامون غلطه . همونایی که فکر میکنیم خیلی هم عاقلانه ان. حتی متوجه میشین که آدم زندگی مشترک هستین یا تجرد به نفع تونه(متاسفانه چه قدر بهمون دیکته شده سعادت توی مزدوج شدنه :/)
خوندنش به تموم دوستان مجرد پیشنهاد میشه 👌
خوندنش به تموم دوستان مجرد پیشنهاد میشه 👌
May 11, 2020
کتاب خلاصه و کوتاهیه ولی با این حال نکات خیلی خوبی رو میگه و دید واقع بینانه ای درباره رابطه و ازدواج میده. با اینکه قبلا کتاب سیر عشق رو از آلن دوباتن خونده بودم، مطالب این کتاب برام تازگی داشت . سیر عشق رو بعنوان مکمل این کتاب پیشنهاد میکنم.
من نسخه الکترونیک کتاب رو از فیدیبو با ترجمه ی شاپور پشابادی خوندم و اشکال نگارشی و ویراستاری زیاد داش��. درباره ی نسخه ی فیزیکی و این ترجمه اطلاعی ندارم.
من نسخه الکترونیک کتاب رو از فیدیبو با ترجمه ی شاپور پشابادی خوندم و اشکال نگارشی و ویراستاری زیاد داش��. درباره ی نسخه ی فیزیکی و این ترجمه اطلاعی ندارم.
March 20, 2023
چیز زیادی نبود که اینا رو ندونم ولی خب خوبه که آدم دوباره بشنوه
November 3, 2018
Good, but way too short. What was included was thought provoking, however I think a number of the ideas would have benefitted from longer and more in depth analysis.
September 4, 2018
کتاب کوتاه و بسیار روان که مثل همیشه دوباتن به راحتی و سهولت دست روی اصل مطلب گذاشته. به عقیده من دلایلی که آورده بی شک عمده ترین دلیلهای ازدواج ناموفق می تونه باشه.
(آلن دوباتن) ازدواج اشتباه میکنیم چون:
خود را نمیشناسیم. دیگران را نمیشناسیم. عادت نداریم شاد باشیم. مجرد ماندن را وحشتناک میدانیم. فکر میکنیم غریزه جایگاه والایی دارد.به مدرسه عشق نمی رویم.می خواهیم شادی خود را جاودانه کنیم. خود را فرد خاصی می دانیم. میخواهیم دیگر به عشق فکر نکنیم.
چه وقت آماده ازدواج هستیم؟
وقتی دنبال کمال و بی نقص بودن نباشیم. وقتی انتطار نداشته باشیم که کاملا درک شویم.وقتی به دیوانگی خود پی ببریم. وقتی امادگی دوست داشتن را داشته باشیم. وقتی آماده مدیریت باشیم. وقتی بدانیم عشق با آمیزش فرق دارد.وقتی مشتاق یادگیری باشیم.وقتی بفهمیم که تفاهم کامل نداریم.
(آلن دوباتن) ازدواج اشتباه میکنیم چون:
خود را نمیشناسیم. دیگران را نمیشناسیم. عادت نداریم شاد باشیم. مجرد ماندن را وحشتناک میدانیم. فکر میکنیم غریزه جایگاه والایی دارد.به مدرسه عشق نمی رویم.می خواهیم شادی خود را جاودانه کنیم. خود را فرد خاصی می دانیم. میخواهیم دیگر به عشق فکر نکنیم.
چه وقت آماده ازدواج هستیم؟
وقتی دنبال کمال و بی نقص بودن نباشیم. وقتی انتطار نداشته باشیم که کاملا درک شویم.وقتی به دیوانگی خود پی ببریم. وقتی امادگی دوست داشتن را داشته باشیم. وقتی آماده مدیریت باشیم. وقتی بدانیم عشق با آمیزش فرق دارد.وقتی مشتاق یادگیری باشیم.وقتی بفهمیم که تفاهم کامل نداریم.
November 15, 2022
Utk quick read menurutku oke. Essay2nya ga begitu panjang sihh (masih lbh panjang case study mingguanku😭) dan karena menurutku lumayan mudah dipahami (palingan ada bbrp bagian yg aku baca beberapa kali biar lebih nyerep aja gitu), jadinya ga butuh waktu lama utk kelarin buku ini. Ada bagian yang aku kurang sepaham sihh sama si penulis tapi ga banyak. Dikit bgt sih, mostly aku fine2 aja sama pemikiran penulis dan aku rasa ada benernya juga.
Menurutku oke lah recommended. Tapi ga ada sesuatu yang uwow banget gitu dan menurutku kurang mendalam sih pembahasannya. Dari segi harga, aku lebih merekomendasikan utk baca "Conversations on Love" aja sihh karena secara garis besar topiknya sama kann tentang love & relationship juga.
Btw ini subjektif banget yaah pendapatku. Mungkin akunya aja yang berekspektasi terlalu tinggi sama buku ini AHAHAH. Aku masih punya 2 buku TSOL lagi dan yahh semoga bisa lebih 'nendang'.
Menurutku oke lah recommended. Tapi ga ada sesuatu yang uwow banget gitu dan menurutku kurang mendalam sih pembahasannya. Dari segi harga, aku lebih merekomendasikan utk baca "Conversations on Love" aja sihh karena secara garis besar topiknya sama kann tentang love & relationship juga.
Btw ini subjektif banget yaah pendapatku. Mungkin akunya aja yang berekspektasi terlalu tinggi sama buku ini AHAHAH. Aku masih punya 2 buku TSOL lagi dan yahh semoga bisa lebih 'nendang'.
March 5, 2020
Love. A word that is so grossly overused and yet, despite its constant and universal use, remains a seemingly ineffable quality. Unlike our Greek cousins we do not have the linguistic capabilities to distinguish definitions of this word. Inevitably, issues arise due to this being entirely centred around people.
I am not convinced that we, as a society truly know what it is to love, and to be loved, and indeed the difference between the two. It is no wonder the statistics for divorce are so incredibly high.
This book deconstructs our preconceived notions of love and, arguably the ultimate expression of love, marriage. Our attitudes to, and preconceived notions of love are largely constructed as a result of the Romantics. The school of life successfully challenges this inheritance, proposing Classism as a viable alternative.
There is little I enjoy more than exposing and debating what we unconsciously accept. I would recommend this book to anyone who enjoys the same.
I am not convinced that we, as a society truly know what it is to love, and to be loved, and indeed the difference between the two. It is no wonder the statistics for divorce are so incredibly high.
This book deconstructs our preconceived notions of love and, arguably the ultimate expression of love, marriage. Our attitudes to, and preconceived notions of love are largely constructed as a result of the Romantics. The school of life successfully challenges this inheritance, proposing Classism as a viable alternative.
There is little I enjoy more than exposing and debating what we unconsciously accept. I would recommend this book to anyone who enjoys the same.
September 19, 2017
Ontnuchterend en a-romantisch boek. Ideaal om te lezen vlak voor je bruiloft of tijdens de wittebroodsweken, al zal de schrijver je aanraden wat eerder te beginnen.. Gaf mij stiekem het gevoel dat 'I married the right person' (denkfout 8: 'we believe we are special')
April 20, 2021
[Review in Bahasa Indonesia --and probably contain a little bit spoiler]
*Review ditulis dalam Bahasa Indonesia biar banyak orang Indonesia yang melirik kemudian memutuskan untuk membaca buku ini, karena menurutku buku ini so damn good! Hihi.
Woho, buku ini pertama kali aku lihat di instagram story teman, dan meski termasuk tipis untuk series sejenisnya (The School of Life ternyata ada banyak banget seri bukunya, ini hanya salah satu), tetapi menurutku 78 halaman dari Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person ini cukup berisi. Sejak awal, aku mengibaratkan buku ini seperti file presentasi ppt meeting --sangat to the point dan menusuk sejak halaman pertama. Kita sebagai pembaca seperti ditampar oleh realita-realita yang disajikan buku ini.
Seperti judulnya, buku ini membahas mengenai realita dan 'kesalahan' apa saja yang diperbuat manusia mengenai pemikiran mereka tentang pernikahan. Beberapa kesimpulan yang bisa kujabarkan sedikit mungkin ini:
1. Kita tidak mengenal diri kita sendiri
2. Orang-orang seperti poin 1 (bisa jadi kita, pasangan kita, atau keduanya) kemudian bertemu dan menjalani hubungan cinta.
3. Sebagai orang dewasa, kita kadang menolak orang / calon yang tepat dan bertindak sehat dalam hubungan percintaan, karena kita melihat mereka terlalu seimbang, terlalu dewasa mungkin, atau terlalu baik-baik saja. Seringkali, kita malah terjatuh ke dalam pelukan orang yang salah. Bahasa millenialnya mungkin gini: mengapa sih perempuan lebih suka bad boys?
4. Terus ada juga beberapa alasan receh seperti: ya kita kadang salah bersikap dan mengambil keputusan karena memang hubungan percintaan tak pernah ada dalam kurikulum sekolah
5. Kita menikah dengan seseorang karena ingin membekukan momen-momen bahagia. Mungkin ini juga sebabnya, ada beberapa keluhan dari orang yang sudah menikah: pasanganku gak seperti waktu pacaran/bulan madu dulu. Kita berharap ia terus menjadi orang yang baik dan manis, dan romantis setiap harinya. Padahal sama seperti kita, dia juga menjalani hidup; bekerja, berpotensi burnout, bisa merasakan emosi, ada saatnya sedih, banyak pikiran, etc.
Poin paling menarik buatku adalah, buku ini mengatakan bahwa kita kadang menyukai sosok yang seperti orangtua kita. Karena kita biasa diperlakukan baik dan penuh cinta (terutama anak perempuan oleh ayah-ayah mereka, nih. Aku tertusuk soal ini hahaha), jadi kita berharap mendapatkan pasangan yang seperti orangtua kita juga. Padahal orangtua sebenarnya bisa seperti itu karena mereka memposisikan cintanya seperti cinta orangtua kepada anak, bukan dari pasangan ke pasangannya. Dua hal ini jelas berbeda, makanya kita hampir tak pernah bisa sepenuhnya 'menemukan orangtua kita' di dalam diri pasangan. Realitanya, banyak yang berharap demikian. Aku pun. The School of Life juga menambahkan, kita sebenarnya baru siap menikah ketika kita siap memposisikan diri kita sendiri sebagai orangtua.
Pada bab-bab terakhir juga dibahas bagaimana pengaruh novel atau cerita fiksi romantis dalam kehidupan percintaan manusia --sadar atau tanpa mereka sadari.
Overall, menurutku 78 halaman buku ini cukup bergizi. Bahasanya juga sangat gamblang dan nggak rumit atau mbulet. Ya, masih bisalah dibaca oleh orang yang bahasa inggrisnya pas-pasan sepertiku. Setidaknya, maksud dan tujuannya lumayan sampai. Aku rekomendasikan sebagai bacaan wajib sebelum menikah. Ehehe...
"We recreate in adult relationship some of the feelings we knew in childhood." - pg. 18
*Review ditulis dalam Bahasa Indonesia biar banyak orang Indonesia yang melirik kemudian memutuskan untuk membaca buku ini, karena menurutku buku ini so damn good! Hihi.
Woho, buku ini pertama kali aku lihat di instagram story teman, dan meski termasuk tipis untuk series sejenisnya (The School of Life ternyata ada banyak banget seri bukunya, ini hanya salah satu), tetapi menurutku 78 halaman dari Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person ini cukup berisi. Sejak awal, aku mengibaratkan buku ini seperti file presentasi ppt meeting --sangat to the point dan menusuk sejak halaman pertama. Kita sebagai pembaca seperti ditampar oleh realita-realita yang disajikan buku ini.
Seperti judulnya, buku ini membahas mengenai realita dan 'kesalahan' apa saja yang diperbuat manusia mengenai pemikiran mereka tentang pernikahan. Beberapa kesimpulan yang bisa kujabarkan sedikit mungkin ini:
1. Kita tidak mengenal diri kita sendiri
2. Orang-orang seperti poin 1 (bisa jadi kita, pasangan kita, atau keduanya) kemudian bertemu dan menjalani hubungan cinta.
3. Sebagai orang dewasa, kita kadang menolak orang / calon yang tepat dan bertindak sehat dalam hubungan percintaan, karena kita melihat mereka terlalu seimbang, terlalu dewasa mungkin, atau terlalu baik-baik saja. Seringkali, kita malah terjatuh ke dalam pelukan orang yang salah. Bahasa millenialnya mungkin gini: mengapa sih perempuan lebih suka bad boys?
4. Terus ada juga beberapa alasan receh seperti: ya kita kadang salah bersikap dan mengambil keputusan karena memang hubungan percintaan tak pernah ada dalam kurikulum sekolah
5. Kita menikah dengan seseorang karena ingin membekukan momen-momen bahagia. Mungkin ini juga sebabnya, ada beberapa keluhan dari orang yang sudah menikah: pasanganku gak seperti waktu pacaran/bulan madu dulu. Kita berharap ia terus menjadi orang yang baik dan manis, dan romantis setiap harinya. Padahal sama seperti kita, dia juga menjalani hidup; bekerja, berpotensi burnout, bisa merasakan emosi, ada saatnya sedih, banyak pikiran, etc.
Poin paling menarik buatku adalah, buku ini mengatakan bahwa kita kadang menyukai sosok yang seperti orangtua kita. Karena kita biasa diperlakukan baik dan penuh cinta (terutama anak perempuan oleh ayah-ayah mereka, nih. Aku tertusuk soal ini hahaha), jadi kita berharap mendapatkan pasangan yang seperti orangtua kita juga. Padahal orangtua sebenarnya bisa seperti itu karena mereka memposisikan cintanya seperti cinta orangtua kepada anak, bukan dari pasangan ke pasangannya. Dua hal ini jelas berbeda, makanya kita hampir tak pernah bisa sepenuhnya 'menemukan orangtua kita' di dalam diri pasangan. Realitanya, banyak yang berharap demikian. Aku pun. The School of Life juga menambahkan, kita sebenarnya baru siap menikah ketika kita siap memposisikan diri kita sendiri sebagai orangtua.
Pada bab-bab terakhir juga dibahas bagaimana pengaruh novel atau cerita fiksi romantis dalam kehidupan percintaan manusia --sadar atau tanpa mereka sadari.
Overall, menurutku 78 halaman buku ini cukup bergizi. Bahasanya juga sangat gamblang dan nggak rumit atau mbulet. Ya, masih bisalah dibaca oleh orang yang bahasa inggrisnya pas-pasan sepertiku. Setidaknya, maksud dan tujuannya lumayan sampai. Aku rekomendasikan sebagai bacaan wajib sebelum menikah. Ehehe...
"We recreate in adult relationship some of the feelings we knew in childhood." - pg. 18
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 26, 2023
Outstanding. Speaking from the perspective of someone whose marriage failed, my head says this ought to be mandatory reading for all prospective couples, not just those intending on marriage. My heart knows that it is the experience of having tried and failed that makes this book resonate so much. Whether it would make a difference to those without the experience, who knows? But it’s very well written and easily consumed so the investment is small but the payoff could be huge.
The final section on How Live Stories Ruin Our Love Lives is some of best wisdom that money can buy.
The final section on How Live Stories Ruin Our Love Lives is some of best wisdom that money can buy.
November 20, 2017
De gedachte achter deze stelling is natuurlijk best geinig. De uitwerking is echter ronduit slecht. De argumentatie is niet op orde, veel stukken zijn zelfs totaal onherkenbaar of vergezocht. Het instrument humor wordt niet of nauwelijks gebruikt, terwijl het type boek zich daar juist perfect voor zou lenen. Of zit ik nou nog te veel op een roze wolk, in de ontkennende modus?
September 8, 2021
loved it. these are simple and thought provoking arguments for a relationship well lived. Perhaps I liked this so much because it felt like a written summary of the 50 odd minutes of De Botton I swallowed on YouTube. If you're engaging with this stuff for the first time, I would first suggest checking out his most popular talk 'Why You Will Marry The Wrong Person' on YouTube. I have a lot to learn!
Trying hard to engage with writing, documentaries, podcasts etc. to learn more about my self (particularly self care and self love, boundaries etc.). and this hits that on the head.
All feels a bit muddy at the moment, but I hope to yield some fruits from my research soon.
Trying hard to engage with writing, documentaries, podcasts etc. to learn more about my self (particularly self care and self love, boundaries etc.). and this hits that on the head.
All feels a bit muddy at the moment, but I hope to yield some fruits from my research soon.
December 30, 2023
بهم کمک کرد که دید واقع بینانه‌تر، منطقی‌تر و در عین حال منفی‌تری نسبت به ازدواج پیدا کنم…😂😐
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August 20, 2024iseendalgi tekib küsimus, miks ma seda lugesin (sry see oli ainus inglisekeelne raamat airbnbs mille leidsin) ... ja taaskord, miks ma pean elama inimestega samas maailmas, kes selliseid teoseid innukalt neelavad ja neile mingi tähenduse loovad.. paneb mõtlema🌀🤒
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January 27, 2025tienen este y otros ensayos en el hotel donde nos estamos quedando en washington y me lo leí ayer en media hora. la verdad, muy interesante!
March 1, 2023
Nice perspective on everything relationships
December 10, 2023
این کتاب درباره آمادگی قبل ازدواج ، ازدواج و بعد ازدواج صحبت میکنه اما تمرکزش درباره قبل ازدواجه . اینکه چطور زندگی ها دچار اختلاف میشن ، چه زمانی آماده ازدواج کردن هستیم،تفکرات صحیح درباره زوجین باید چه چیز هایی باشه و توصیه هایی درباره اجرای مراسم .
اما سه نکته:
۱.بخش های کتاب تا حدودی شلخته و نامنظم دسته بندی شدند.
۲.بعضی از بخش ها نامنتاسب با فرهنگ ما هستند که خوندن یا نخوندنشون خیلی فرقی نمیکنه.
۳.بعضی از بخش ها به شدت محتوای ضعیف و بیشتر بخش ها محتوای معمولی و نه تخصصی دارند.
در کل کتاب ساده و متوسطیه
اما سه نکته:
۱.بخش های کتاب تا حدودی شلخته و نامنظم دسته بندی شدند.
۲.بعضی از بخش ها نامنتاسب با فرهنگ ما هستند که خوندن یا نخوندنشون خیلی فرقی نمیکنه.
۳.بعضی از بخش ها به شدت محتوای ضعیف و بیشتر بخش ها محتوای معمولی و نه تخصصی دارند.
در کل کتاب ساده و متوسطیه
December 29, 2018
Yaaaaaaas, I finally read this after months of having my eye on this (Thank you Oliver Bonas Christmas sale, I wouldn't have wanted to pay anymore than the £2.50 reduced cost).
The second School of Life book read this year (First being Simple Pleasures), and the way that they talk about these subjects can lose me sometimes... probsbly speak a bit too much intellectually, I don't know.. It comes from a place of psychological matters.. anyway on with the review.
The book is split into 3 sections:
1: Why you will marry the wrong person
2: Are you ready to get married?
3: How love stories ruin our love lives
The first section rang true in some of the parts, my fave chapters being 'We don't understand other people ' which divulge into projecting perfection onto the other person(s) which omg can be very true, in the sense that we subconciously fill in the missing parts of people - 'Our brains are primed to take tiny visual hints and construct entire figures from them (a person - and we do the same when it comes to the character of our prospective spouse" - Well I'd be bloody damned .. lesson learnt on that one Hollie.
The second favourite part of the first section was 'We arent used to being happy' - which touches on recreating relationships on the feelings that we've experienced, and have come to know ..... As adults, we then reject healthy candidates whom we encounter, not becaise they are wrong, but precisely because they are too well-balanced, and the righteousness feels unfamiliar and alien, almost oppressive (Relatable.) It has made acknowledge things which - like that - I relate to, aaand will work towards.
The second section was where it lost me slightly, as it felt a bit too much 'psychological' on marriage, like we should be able to tolerate them for long periods, be able to withstand issues, and accept love and sex are seperate... Ok thats all well saif and done, but it's not so simple like that, is it? Why should we simply want to 'tolerate' someone?!?! Why would you even marry someone if it was all about tolerating them? It then removes the sense of 'romantic marriage ' which explains may be some of the reason why marriages end up in divorce (But it is a good feeling to have romantic love right?!?! To have some elements of falling for someone? Just make sure its with the right person, lol...) and then they further go into the third section, which are different aspects of life such as 'Work, Children, Sex' etc in a 'Romantic' and 'Classical' concept...which although are true in some respects, can seem extremely boring....
I'm going to rate this as 3 stars, because although I love the concept of this book and I'm glad to add this to my bookshelf, its a little too boring (see rant on tolerating somebody). Marriage should be a mix between romantic and psychological. Not purely psychological. Thanks School of Life for the insight, I think?
The second School of Life book read this year (First being Simple Pleasures), and the way that they talk about these subjects can lose me sometimes... probsbly speak a bit too much intellectually, I don't know.. It comes from a place of psychological matters.. anyway on with the review.
The book is split into 3 sections:
1: Why you will marry the wrong person
2: Are you ready to get married?
3: How love stories ruin our love lives
The first section rang true in some of the parts, my fave chapters being 'We don't understand other people ' which divulge into projecting perfection onto the other person(s) which omg can be very true, in the sense that we subconciously fill in the missing parts of people - 'Our brains are primed to take tiny visual hints and construct entire figures from them (a person - and we do the same when it comes to the character of our prospective spouse" - Well I'd be bloody damned .. lesson learnt on that one Hollie.
The second favourite part of the first section was 'We arent used to being happy' - which touches on recreating relationships on the feelings that we've experienced, and have come to know ..... As adults, we then reject healthy candidates whom we encounter, not becaise they are wrong, but precisely because they are too well-balanced, and the righteousness feels unfamiliar and alien, almost oppressive (Relatable.) It has made acknowledge things which - like that - I relate to, aaand will work towards.
The second section was where it lost me slightly, as it felt a bit too much 'psychological' on marriage, like we should be able to tolerate them for long periods, be able to withstand issues, and accept love and sex are seperate... Ok thats all well saif and done, but it's not so simple like that, is it? Why should we simply want to 'tolerate' someone?!?! Why would you even marry someone if it was all about tolerating them? It then removes the sense of 'romantic marriage ' which explains may be some of the reason why marriages end up in divorce (But it is a good feeling to have romantic love right?!?! To have some elements of falling for someone? Just make sure its with the right person, lol...) and then they further go into the third section, which are different aspects of life such as 'Work, Children, Sex' etc in a 'Romantic' and 'Classical' concept...which although are true in some respects, can seem extremely boring....
I'm going to rate this as 3 stars, because although I love the concept of this book and I'm glad to add this to my bookshelf, its a little too boring (see rant on tolerating somebody). Marriage should be a mix between romantic and psychological. Not purely psychological. Thanks School of Life for the insight, I think?
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 26, 2019
خلاصه ی همون حرف های آلن دوباتن توو سیر عشق و جستار هایی در باب عشق بود که اینجا شسته رفته بیان کرده بود و آدم رو از ازدواج رمانتیک و اشتباه دور میداشت . خوب بود . ولی باید مفصل تر فکر کرد درباره این چیزای مهم.البته تهش هرچی اون بخواد میشه :)
February 16, 2020
Let me start off this review by saying that I didn’t pick up this book because Robyn and I are having difficulties in our marriage. Well, at least no difficulties that every other couple must deal with throughout the course of their relationship. Rather, our local library occasionally gets in a new School of Life book, and I generally find them interesting to read so I picked up a copy.
I thought “Why you will marry the wrong person”, was interesting to read about the difference between the three purported types of marriages. 1. Business/money/arranged marriage, 2. Romantic Marriage and 3. Psychological Marriage. I found it interesting and School of Life are probably at least partly right, that generally whomever we marry, that person will be wrong for us. Namely, it seems because marriage and relationships are tough. I feel that while we may not actually be in the psychological marriage phase of coupling as a society, hopefully, for those of us that choose to marry, we will be able to transition from the romantic marriage to the psychological marriage as our marriages mature over the years. Overall, I’d recommend this book, it’s a quick read that will make you think.
February 20, 2024
I thought this book was very thought provoking. It was also a quick read. Could read it in one or two sittings. There were only two small chapters I didn’t agree with, namely the ones on extramarital affairs, I still believe people should be expected to be loyal, but found it overall made sense. I liked the idea of finding someone who compliments our imperfections rather than finding a perfect person. Seemed rather reasonable and the two chapters I didn’t agree with were only in total about 3-4 pages of the book so easy to move on from. I subtracted a star due to these two chapters but still found the book worth a read and the content worth a think.
June 23, 2018
Very short, thought provoking read. I breezed through this in one sitting while in a bookstore. There were many parts that resonated deeply with me, given my practical (he calls it “pessimistic”) and less romantic/brazen approach to finding and cultivating love — conclusions I reached after much thinking (psychological relationship versus romantic relationship, being loved versus loving). There were also portions I disagreed with (seeking the love that one had in childhood, rejecting partners who are too “right” and “understanding” because such “rightness” feels foreign).
June 7, 2019
[2017] Short, more of a long essay. It was on a shelf in the hotel room we stayed in in Copenhagen and, having just gotten married about five days before, picked it up with great trepidation. Very cute, easy read, nothing earth-shattering, but pretty much speaks the truth. I think a lot of the pitfalls can be avoided by getting married later in life and having nine years together under your belt before taking the plunge.
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September 14, 2023مشکل واقعی یافتن شریک زندگی نیست
مشکل اصلی تحمل کردن و تحمل شدن از سوی او در دراز مدت است
مشکل اصلی تحمل کردن و تحمل شدن از سوی او در دراز مدت است
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