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I Love You, but I'm Not IN Love with You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship
One in four people have heard it or have said it. . . .
Now discover what it really means.
If the relationship you have with your significant other is defined more by companionship than passion . . . if you love each other deeply but are not deeply in love . . . if you feel that something's missing or is no longer there . . . then you could be experiencing ILYB (I Love You, But . . .).
In I Love You, but I'm Not in Love with You --a real-life relationship guide from couples' counselor Andrew G. Marshall--partners and individuals who have “fallen out of love” or want to rekindle the love that once was will learn how to use Marshall 's program with impressive results.
This is a much-needed book to help men and women of all ages in any type of committed romantic relationship to truly understand love and to point out the everyday habits that undermine growing together. Marshall's research is one of the few that delves into what causes relationships to “cool” or for emotions to be “dulled.” So much more than a quick-fix guide, I Love You, but I'm Not In Love with You empowers couples to emerge with a better understanding of themselves and each other, and ultimately build a stronger, more passionate bond.
Learn how
• Argue productively and address the core of the issue
• Employ the trigger words for more effective communication
• Find a balance between being fulfilled as an individual and being one half of a couple
• Discover if the ILYB is simply a symptom of a workable problem
• Take your sex life to a deeper level of intimacy
• Create new bonds instead of searching for the old ones
Now discover what it really means.
If the relationship you have with your significant other is defined more by companionship than passion . . . if you love each other deeply but are not deeply in love . . . if you feel that something's missing or is no longer there . . . then you could be experiencing ILYB (I Love You, But . . .).
In I Love You, but I'm Not in Love with You --a real-life relationship guide from couples' counselor Andrew G. Marshall--partners and individuals who have “fallen out of love” or want to rekindle the love that once was will learn how to use Marshall 's program with impressive results.
This is a much-needed book to help men and women of all ages in any type of committed romantic relationship to truly understand love and to point out the everyday habits that undermine growing together. Marshall's research is one of the few that delves into what causes relationships to “cool” or for emotions to be “dulled.” So much more than a quick-fix guide, I Love You, but I'm Not In Love with You empowers couples to emerge with a better understanding of themselves and each other, and ultimately build a stronger, more passionate bond.
Learn how
• Argue productively and address the core of the issue
• Employ the trigger words for more effective communication
• Find a balance between being fulfilled as an individual and being one half of a couple
• Discover if the ILYB is simply a symptom of a workable problem
• Take your sex life to a deeper level of intimacy
• Create new bonds instead of searching for the old ones
288 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2006
228 people are currently reading
556 people want to read
About the author
Andrew G. Marshall
35 books64 followersAndrew has been a marital therapist for almost thirty years. He trained with RELATE the UK's leading couple counselling charity. He now has a private practice in London and Sussex (England), gives workshops on relationship and inspirational talks. His books have been translated into twenty languages (including French, German, Spanish, Japanese, Chinese and Italian). He also writes for UK newspapers Daily Mail and Mail on Sunday.
Andrew is also the host of the podcast "The Meaningful Life with Andrew G Marshall" where each week I interview therapists, academics and people with a story to tell about making better relationships, deeper connections understanding yourself and what makes life meaningful.
Andrew is also the host of the podcast "The Meaningful Life with Andrew G Marshall" where each week I interview therapists, academics and people with a story to tell about making better relationships, deeper connections understanding yourself and what makes life meaningful.
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
January 6, 2014
This book had a lot of great information. However if the person who is not in love with you anymore is indifferent to change, this book does a whole lot of nothing.
December 22, 2011
Marshall zeroes in on a marriage problem that is not addressed very much. Most marriage books talk about how to handle conflict, not how to revive romantic feelings that have died. But it is just as common a problem. Marshall actually says it is more common in his marriage counseling practice in the U.K. I would not say that is true of my practice in Seattle, WA, so perhaps it reflects a cultural difference.
He makes a good case for how getting angry and having fights keeps the spark alive. I think marriage counselors often err on the side of teaching people how not to ruffle feathers, rather than how to be resilient when your partner is not happy with you. Too much PC culture!
He also gives some good ideas about how to keep sexual desire alive, and stresses the importance of play. I agree with him absolutely on this. You can't transition in a flash from chores to feeling sexy! OK, maybe men can.
I did feel that Marshall rambled a bit and spent more time than necessary giving general marriage advice, rather than staying focused on his main topic. But overall, it is a great book that should be very helpful to both therapists and couples.
He makes a good case for how getting angry and having fights keeps the spark alive. I think marriage counselors often err on the side of teaching people how not to ruffle feathers, rather than how to be resilient when your partner is not happy with you. Too much PC culture!
He also gives some good ideas about how to keep sexual desire alive, and stresses the importance of play. I agree with him absolutely on this. You can't transition in a flash from chores to feeling sexy! OK, maybe men can.
I did feel that Marshall rambled a bit and spent more time than necessary giving general marriage advice, rather than staying focused on his main topic. But overall, it is a great book that should be very helpful to both therapists and couples.
March 19, 2013
This book is really an eye-opener, explaining the true meaning of love and what is required for a successful relationship. After reading this book i have definitely matured in my outlook towards relationships and love, where before my descriptions of love seemed like something from a fairytale, i have now re-defined love as compromise, perseverance, tenacity, vulnerability and effort, if your not willing to put all these things within your relationship, then its on the road to disaster, and finding someone new is never the answer if your not willing to do the necessary.
GREAT BOOK!!
GREAT BOOK!!
January 2, 2015
Love can be a though thing sometimes. It can give you the highest highs and the lowest lows. In an age where people assume that love is this big romance, in which limerence (the beginning stage of love) is thought of to last forever I Love You But I’m Not In Low With You (ILYB) is an eye-opener to many. With 25 years of experience in marital counselling, Andrew Marshall has seen it all. In ILYB he offers a theoretical insight into the stages of love, the problems that can arise and exercises you (and your partner) can take to find each other again. This is described in the seven steps to putting the passion back into your relationship.
Step one is very straightforward, and yet also so profound. Marshall explains what the six stages of a relationship are and that they all have their different characteristics. All of them are encompassed by our conception of love, but each in its different way. The second step might surprise many people, it is about arguing. Marshall states that arguing has gotten a bad reputation in the last decades, but that when you apply it correctly, and truly listen to your significant other, conflicts can solve most of your relationship problems. If done correctly, arguments can help see each others perspective and solve underlying conflicts. The other steps are; 3) target, 4) play, 5) take responsibility, 6) giving, and 7) learning.
At the end of every chapter are some exercises you (and your partner) can do. This is an effective way in which Marshall has combined the theoretical part with the practical application of his seven steps. An example is the exercise, self-diagnosis: what else could be lurking behind your ILYB? In this exercise you are presented with 25 questions that target all aspects of your life that may be an underlying problem that is causing you to instigate the ILYB conversation, without this actually being the cause. After the long list of questions are also explanations why each question is asked and what insights it can give, something very useful for people who have enough to cope with and can use some understanding.
Not only does ILYB give you an insight in the steps to mending your relationship, it also provides information on dealing with the actual conversation, a trail-separation, a break-up, and how to live fully again. Marshall in this way covers all topics that you may encounter when dealing with a ILYB situation. For other problems he has also written books which include; The Single Trap (for chronic singles), How Can I Ever Trust You Again? (adultery), Are You Right For Me? (commitment), and Learn To Love Yourself Enough (self-esteem). This clearly shows that Marshall is an expert on the topic of love and has done extensive research into developing the right ways to building a better relationship.
Although the book is an easy (language wise) book to read, with difficult (topic wise) issues being discussed, it is up to the reader to take action. It is up to him or her to confront the other party with the lessons that can be drawn from the book, and to instigate the road to recovery. Love can be both a great joy and a source of great misery, this book shows you that the former is just around the corner. The book receives a 4 out of 6 rating, the reason it has not got a higher rating is because it is hoped that any haste is not needed. It also does not receive a lower rating because although your relationship is not in a crisis, this book allows you to explore the 6 stages of love, and 7 steps to putting back (or getting even more) passion in your love life!
Step one is very straightforward, and yet also so profound. Marshall explains what the six stages of a relationship are and that they all have their different characteristics. All of them are encompassed by our conception of love, but each in its different way. The second step might surprise many people, it is about arguing. Marshall states that arguing has gotten a bad reputation in the last decades, but that when you apply it correctly, and truly listen to your significant other, conflicts can solve most of your relationship problems. If done correctly, arguments can help see each others perspective and solve underlying conflicts. The other steps are; 3) target, 4) play, 5) take responsibility, 6) giving, and 7) learning.
At the end of every chapter are some exercises you (and your partner) can do. This is an effective way in which Marshall has combined the theoretical part with the practical application of his seven steps. An example is the exercise, self-diagnosis: what else could be lurking behind your ILYB? In this exercise you are presented with 25 questions that target all aspects of your life that may be an underlying problem that is causing you to instigate the ILYB conversation, without this actually being the cause. After the long list of questions are also explanations why each question is asked and what insights it can give, something very useful for people who have enough to cope with and can use some understanding.
Not only does ILYB give you an insight in the steps to mending your relationship, it also provides information on dealing with the actual conversation, a trail-separation, a break-up, and how to live fully again. Marshall in this way covers all topics that you may encounter when dealing with a ILYB situation. For other problems he has also written books which include; The Single Trap (for chronic singles), How Can I Ever Trust You Again? (adultery), Are You Right For Me? (commitment), and Learn To Love Yourself Enough (self-esteem). This clearly shows that Marshall is an expert on the topic of love and has done extensive research into developing the right ways to building a better relationship.
Although the book is an easy (language wise) book to read, with difficult (topic wise) issues being discussed, it is up to the reader to take action. It is up to him or her to confront the other party with the lessons that can be drawn from the book, and to instigate the road to recovery. Love can be both a great joy and a source of great misery, this book shows you that the former is just around the corner. The book receives a 4 out of 6 rating, the reason it has not got a higher rating is because it is hoped that any haste is not needed. It also does not receive a lower rating because although your relationship is not in a crisis, this book allows you to explore the 6 stages of love, and 7 steps to putting back (or getting even more) passion in your love life!
September 29, 2013
Brilliantly written.
December 26, 2013
This is both practical and insightful. I found it full of stories I can relate to. Highly recommend for anyone going through the searing pain of divorce or separation.
January 27, 2020
(3.5/4 out of 5)
This book let me broaden my perspective about relationships, partnerships and communication in general. I am grateful that I have bought this book (even though I did find myself skimming through pages because I am not entirely in a relationship to read everything in detail) because it did give me the greater knowledge about healthy, long-term illnesses.
I also found really important notes that I ended up highlighting and book-marking for me to read in the future.
This book is a one of a kind book !
This book let me broaden my perspective about relationships, partnerships and communication in general. I am grateful that I have bought this book (even though I did find myself skimming through pages because I am not entirely in a relationship to read everything in detail) because it did give me the greater knowledge about healthy, long-term illnesses.
I also found really important notes that I ended up highlighting and book-marking for me to read in the future.
This book is a one of a kind book !
August 5, 2022
I straight up love this book! at first glance, I can completely see & understand why the title might throw some people off, but the content is great. to be honest, I don’t think this is a book that I would’ve picked out for myself. the only reason I had this book on my shelf is bc it was required reading for an elective class that I took in college, but I’m so glad that it found it’s way into my life. this is hands down one of the most impactful books I’ve ever read, ever. if you have ever been in a relationship, are in one now (good or bad), or plan on being in a relationship, you should give this a chance!
I love the author’s writing style. everything was presented in a clear & concise way (which will be helpful, bc I plan on picking this book back up). I resonated so much with what was said & I felt deeply validated in the way that I am choosing to navigate romantic relationships.
I love the author’s writing style. everything was presented in a clear & concise way (which will be helpful, bc I plan on picking this book back up). I resonated so much with what was said & I felt deeply validated in the way that I am choosing to navigate romantic relationships.
September 28, 2016
Highly recommend to all couples, not just the ones in crisis. Would've been nice to read this five years ago.
September 21, 2017
There are some ideas on the book that I'm strongly against, for example it says that it is good the children see a parent's argument to learn how to solve differences, and pages later it says "shouting and getting passionate is acceptable". No, shouting shouldn't be acceptable.
It also suggests to negotiate changes in behavior that annoys the other partner like "I agree to...if you agree to...". That sounds like a bribery. To change a habit for one's only interest and not to try to make happier the other person, the beloved one, seems to put the relationship like in a farmer's barter!
About cheating, the author says both of the partners are responsible for it, the cheater and the cheated on. If one is not happy, the he/she should talk to the other, but under no circumstance cheating should be justified.
One of the ways the author propose to cheer up is to compare oneself with someone worse. Plainly weak advice, falling almost in the religious winds.
The book was useful to understand what "ILYB" means, to get an insight that perhaps a ILYB relationship can be improved, and to get a couple of nice exercises, but I find the book cold and disorganized.
It also suggests to negotiate changes in behavior that annoys the other partner like "I agree to...if you agree to...". That sounds like a bribery. To change a habit for one's only interest and not to try to make happier the other person, the beloved one, seems to put the relationship like in a farmer's barter!
About cheating, the author says both of the partners are responsible for it, the cheater and the cheated on. If one is not happy, the he/she should talk to the other, but under no circumstance cheating should be justified.
One of the ways the author propose to cheer up is to compare oneself with someone worse. Plainly weak advice, falling almost in the religious winds.
The book was useful to understand what "ILYB" means, to get an insight that perhaps a ILYB relationship can be improved, and to get a couple of nice exercises, but I find the book cold and disorganized.
November 1, 2024
This was one of the best books on marriage that I have ever read. A pragmatic yet hopeful look at why people fall in and out of love, like the best self help books it offers practical, easily applicable exercises and sound advice rooted in decades of research and experience. Marshall walks through varying scenarios and reasons why people’s marriages struggle, and offers both hope and a game plan for how to fix things when they turn sour. I highly recommend even for people who have good, stable marriages as Marshall, unlike many therapists and researchers, has examined not only what makes marriages fail but what makes them succeed. Much of this advice is functional for keeping your relationship strong and thriving before it reaches the crisis stage. I highly recommend.
May 28, 2024
This book should be called “How to actually have a happily ever after”.
There is a lot of great advice - some of it repetitive - but it’s probably just looking at it from different lenses. It gave me a lot of vocabulary for the different stages of a relationship and the pitfalls and avoiding reaching those pitfalls.
There is a lot of great advice - some of it repetitive - but it’s probably just looking at it from different lenses. It gave me a lot of vocabulary for the different stages of a relationship and the pitfalls and avoiding reaching those pitfalls.
April 14, 2020
Thought provoking read that makes you really evaluate yourself and others
Good read for those on both sides of the coin. Some positive exercises that can be done alone or with partner.
Good read for those on both sides of the coin. Some positive exercises that can be done alone or with partner.
May 24, 2023
I read this as it was suggested to be great at learning healthy ways to communicate/argue/be more honest etc - it's an interesting read for this purpose and defo has tips on that, but a lot of the info seems un-researched so how useful is it? My scientific brain cannot verify.
November 7, 2018
Just read it for a friend, I swear ;-)
September 9, 2020
My notes from this book are pretty succinct: Some families' boundaries are so high members share virtually nothing, and grow into partners who shut each other out.... One of the most common relationship problem triggers is death of a friend or family member... When he doesn't share his thoughts and feelings she doesn't really feel like sharing her body... The difference between healthy introspection and over-analyzing is that HI throws up new strategies for healing a relationship whereas OA goes around in circles ending up nowhere.
On the one hand, all this was interesting for me to read because it describes so exactly what's happened in my marriage; but on the other hand it's pretty demoralizing to receive such a negative diagnosis without some advice or resources or basis for a hopeful outcome. That's not to say that the author doesn't provide advice, just that in my case it doesn't work. I did start making a list of actions to take based on his examples but it careened into wonkiness: plan a dinner party, vacation, outing (all three difficult during a global pandemic), hire somebody else to answer my tech questions, create a charitable giving plan without his input, buy the best of absolutely everything, become a completely different person, drive a Ferrari!
On the one hand, all this was interesting for me to read because it describes so exactly what's happened in my marriage; but on the other hand it's pretty demoralizing to receive such a negative diagnosis without some advice or resources or basis for a hopeful outcome. That's not to say that the author doesn't provide advice, just that in my case it doesn't work. I did start making a list of actions to take based on his examples but it careened into wonkiness: plan a dinner party, vacation, outing (all three difficult during a global pandemic), hire somebody else to answer my tech questions, create a charitable giving plan without his input, buy the best of absolutely everything, become a completely different person, drive a Ferrari!
November 5, 2019
Very interesting !
April 3, 2017
It has helped so far.
Gave us deep insight as to how relationships work. Love can only get you but so far, a marriage takes a lot of leg work.
Gave us deep insight as to how relationships work. Love can only get you but so far, a marriage takes a lot of leg work.
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews