What do you think?
Rate this book
Foreverland: On the Divine Tedium of Marriage
An illuminating, poignant, and savagely funny examination of modern marriage from Ask Polly advice columnist Heather Havrilesky
If falling in love is the peak of human experience, then marriage is the slow descent down that mountain, on a trail built from conflict, compromise, and nagging doubts. Considering the limited economic advantages to marriage, the deluge of other mate options a swipe away, and the fact that almost half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce anyway, why do so many of us still chain ourselves to one human being for life?
In Foreverland, Heather Havrilesky illustrates the delights, aggravations, and sublime calamities of her marriage over the span of fifteen years, charting an unpredictable course from meeting her one true love to slowly learning just how much energy is required to keep that love aflame. This refreshingly honest portrait of a marriage reveals that our relationships are not simply "happy" or "unhappy," but something much murkier--at once unsavory, taxing, and deeply satisfying. With tales of fumbled proposals, harrowing suburban migrations, external temptations, and the bewildering insults of growing older, Foreverland is a work of rare candor and insight. Havrilesky traces a path from daydreaming about forever for the first time to understanding what a tedious, glorious drag forever can be.
If falling in love is the peak of human experience, then marriage is the slow descent down that mountain, on a trail built from conflict, compromise, and nagging doubts. Considering the limited economic advantages to marriage, the deluge of other mate options a swipe away, and the fact that almost half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce anyway, why do so many of us still chain ourselves to one human being for life?
In Foreverland, Heather Havrilesky illustrates the delights, aggravations, and sublime calamities of her marriage over the span of fifteen years, charting an unpredictable course from meeting her one true love to slowly learning just how much energy is required to keep that love aflame. This refreshingly honest portrait of a marriage reveals that our relationships are not simply "happy" or "unhappy," but something much murkier--at once unsavory, taxing, and deeply satisfying. With tales of fumbled proposals, harrowing suburban migrations, external temptations, and the bewildering insults of growing older, Foreverland is a work of rare candor and insight. Havrilesky traces a path from daydreaming about forever for the first time to understanding what a tedious, glorious drag forever can be.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published February 8, 2022
About the author
Heather Havrilesky
13 books484 followersHeather Havrilesky writes the popular Ask Polly advice column on Substack and is the author of What If This Were Enough?, How to Be a Person in the World, and Disaster Preparedness. She has written for the New Yorker, the Atlantic, the New York Times Magazine, and NPR’s All Things Considered, among others, and also maintains the Ask Molly newsletter, written by Polly’s evil twin. She lives in Durham, North Carolina, with her husband, two daughters, and two dogs.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 475 reviews
February 15, 2022
I am giving this book 5 stars mostly to average out the large amount of people who don’t seem to understand it’s meant to be funny. (They don’t have to agree that it is funny (it is), but many people prattle on about the “unlikeable” narrator. And besides, is any self-aware person under the delusion their innermost thoughts qualify them as highly likable?)
February 17, 2022
Foreverland: The Divine Tedium of Marriage (2022) is a comical memoir confessional of Heather Havrilesky’s marriage of nearly two decades, her exploration of modern married life and what that feels like amid a heath crisis and the Covid-19 pandemic. Havrilesky is the advice columnist for the New Yorker Magazine “Ask Polly” she is the author of several NYT bestselling non-fiction books and lives in Los Angeles with her husband Bill and other members of their blended family.
After Bill contacted Havrilesky by email she “swooned”. Bill was a huge fan of her writing, a (college) professor who had recently separated, and was the father of an eight-year-old son. As Havrilesky began to regularly correspond with him she warned that she was “bossy, moody, and demanding” (she wasn’t joking). However, lust didn’t care about fact and years later she observed: “Thankfully, Bill is Bill. He boarded a boat and sailed down my river of words until we reached dry land, together. It was exhausting. But by the end of our talk, he got it.”
As couples face the reality of married life, they expect a measure of happiness (which may or may not always be possible) and remain committed to “defy” our high divorce rate. Even the most “buoyant soul can feel like a crushing failure” according to Havrilesky. After her marriage to Bill, she went from an immature, insecure, “flinty” young writer to an emotionally secure “ravenous beast.” The aspects of her wedding, step-motherhood, pregnancy, childbirth, raising children, aging and health issues, moving to suburbia, family vacations, etc. were among the topics covered. The stories were amusing of spoiled bratty kiddos racing through their house, pounding on their piano and jumping into the pool fully clothed, of driving the family across country for a Christmas visit with grandparents after a missed holiday flight, and more.
At times Havrilesky tried too hard to be funny, usually at Bill’s expense. As Bill rose each day from the “undead” amid the piles of dirty laundry near the couch, fortified by a second cup of (strong) coffee, coughing, like a foghorn and clearing his “phlegmy” throat constantly (setting off a chorus of their barking dogs) … Bill had become by then, a highly skilled expert in crisis management, likely developed from his bottomless reserve of patience and understanding. **With thanks to HarperCollins via NetGalley for the DDC for the purpose of review. I loved the vintage book cover!
After Bill contacted Havrilesky by email she “swooned”. Bill was a huge fan of her writing, a (college) professor who had recently separated, and was the father of an eight-year-old son. As Havrilesky began to regularly correspond with him she warned that she was “bossy, moody, and demanding” (she wasn’t joking). However, lust didn’t care about fact and years later she observed: “Thankfully, Bill is Bill. He boarded a boat and sailed down my river of words until we reached dry land, together. It was exhausting. But by the end of our talk, he got it.”
As couples face the reality of married life, they expect a measure of happiness (which may or may not always be possible) and remain committed to “defy” our high divorce rate. Even the most “buoyant soul can feel like a crushing failure” according to Havrilesky. After her marriage to Bill, she went from an immature, insecure, “flinty” young writer to an emotionally secure “ravenous beast.” The aspects of her wedding, step-motherhood, pregnancy, childbirth, raising children, aging and health issues, moving to suburbia, family vacations, etc. were among the topics covered. The stories were amusing of spoiled bratty kiddos racing through their house, pounding on their piano and jumping into the pool fully clothed, of driving the family across country for a Christmas visit with grandparents after a missed holiday flight, and more.
At times Havrilesky tried too hard to be funny, usually at Bill’s expense. As Bill rose each day from the “undead” amid the piles of dirty laundry near the couch, fortified by a second cup of (strong) coffee, coughing, like a foghorn and clearing his “phlegmy” throat constantly (setting off a chorus of their barking dogs) … Bill had become by then, a highly skilled expert in crisis management, likely developed from his bottomless reserve of patience and understanding. **With thanks to HarperCollins via NetGalley for the DDC for the purpose of review. I loved the vintage book cover!
January 4, 2022
I read the excerpt which was published in the New York times called "Marriage Requires Amnesia", and I am genuinely concerned that this person is an advice columnist.
The foundations of a good relationship is COMMUNICATION. She provides advice on how to ignore and tolerate a partner, WHICH IS NOT HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.
"This is why surviving a marriage requires turning down the volume on your spouse so you can barely hear what they are saying."
It is not normal or healthy to ignore your partner.
She complains about her husband's sneezes and coughs, as he is naturally very phlegmy. Some people can't help control these noises, and this does require tolerance and training on the other person's behalf. Has she discussed this with him? Have they considered sleeping in separate beds so she can have alone time to recuperate? Or, does she have anxiety or OCD that is untreated that leads to small annoyances being magnified into huge problems?
"How is hatred not the natural outcome of sleeping so close to another human for years?"
It is not normal to hate your partner.
Marriage requires two people working together, actively caring for and supporting the other, not just biting their tongue on problems until they explode in rage.
She also criticises her husband on his interests- for no apparent reason she hates that he refers to his area of expertise at the "learning sciences". Why is this a trigger for her? Has she talked to him about it? She is also critical of his enthusiasm for snorkeling in the great barrier reef because her kids want attention while they snorkel, and she gets sea sick. Did she talk to her husband about balancing his exploration time with supervising them while snorkeling?
The fundamental problem in this relationship is lack of communication. Maintaining a healthy relationship is hard work, and it takes active listening, being able to admit your faults and learn from them. Criticism should be seen as a learning opportunity for you to better understand your partner and work together to finding a solution that works for both of you. Issues should be discussed as they arise, not ignored until you can't take it any more. Having years of lack of communication takes a lot of untangling to be sure you understand the other, and couples counseling can help with this.
I hope the author can get the help she and her husband need.
The foundations of a good relationship is COMMUNICATION. She provides advice on how to ignore and tolerate a partner, WHICH IS NOT HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.
"This is why surviving a marriage requires turning down the volume on your spouse so you can barely hear what they are saying."
It is not normal or healthy to ignore your partner.
She complains about her husband's sneezes and coughs, as he is naturally very phlegmy. Some people can't help control these noises, and this does require tolerance and training on the other person's behalf. Has she discussed this with him? Have they considered sleeping in separate beds so she can have alone time to recuperate? Or, does she have anxiety or OCD that is untreated that leads to small annoyances being magnified into huge problems?
"How is hatred not the natural outcome of sleeping so close to another human for years?"
It is not normal to hate your partner.
Marriage requires two people working together, actively caring for and supporting the other, not just biting their tongue on problems until they explode in rage.
She also criticises her husband on his interests- for no apparent reason she hates that he refers to his area of expertise at the "learning sciences". Why is this a trigger for her? Has she talked to him about it? She is also critical of his enthusiasm for snorkeling in the great barrier reef because her kids want attention while they snorkel, and she gets sea sick. Did she talk to her husband about balancing his exploration time with supervising them while snorkeling?
The fundamental problem in this relationship is lack of communication. Maintaining a healthy relationship is hard work, and it takes active listening, being able to admit your faults and learn from them. Criticism should be seen as a learning opportunity for you to better understand your partner and work together to finding a solution that works for both of you. Issues should be discussed as they arise, not ignored until you can't take it any more. Having years of lack of communication takes a lot of untangling to be sure you understand the other, and couples counseling can help with this.
I hope the author can get the help she and her husband need.
December 20, 2021
Unfortunately, this did not land for me. That's not to say that it's not competently written or that it has no insight to offer. Long-married myself, some of the points the author made definitely resonated. The problem, for me, was that the author was personally quite off-putting, and therefore I had limited interest in hearing about her life. I couldn't get over the whining, the lack of consideration for others' feelings (her proposal-related rants and demands were...rough), the blithe privilege, the snobbery, and the muuuuuuch hipper-than-thou disdain for *shudder* suburbia. Others might feel differently, so I wouldn't discourage anyone from trying it out if they're interested, but, personally, it's a miss.
Thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and review.
Thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and review.
March 18, 2022
Reading is one of the few pleasures I have. With the world burning up and spinning faster and faster toward chaos and anarchy; with civility and kindness being replaced by selfishness and cruelty; with literacy quickly becoming antiquated, reading is not only a pleasure but an act of rebellion. I'm proud to call myself a bookworm, an identity I stopped resisting and fully embraced when I turned forty and realized that all throughout my life, books and bookstores have provided me comfort and stability. Even today, whenever I feel overwhelmed, sad, or depleted, I step inside of a bookstore, browse the aisles, peruse the stacks, and find peace. Holly Golightly had Tiffany's, I have Unabridged Books in Chicago.
I write all of this as a preamble to the review I am about to give to tell you, friends, that I take no pleasure (that word again) in trashing a book. Look through the many reviews I have given to books on Goodreads over the years and you will rarely see a one-star review. As a writer I comprehend the herculean task of sitting down, pulling oneself away from all the responsibilities and distractions of the world to scribble words on a blank page or type them on a screen and hope that someday someone will read your words and form a connection. Writing is damn hard work. This is why a reader's heart palpitates whenever they encounter a sumptuous book or a deftly written article. Beautiful words can move us and, in rare cases, alter the course of human history. That may be lofty, but I think on some level all readers aspire to transcendence. This is also why bad writing such as I encountered in Foreverland: On the Divine Tedium of Marriage can jolt a reader into fits of rage.
Foreverland is a bad book. It is stunningly bad. It is bad in every iteration of badness a book can be, alternating between grotesque, insipid, and insulting. Heather Havrilesky endeavored, I think, to write a daring expose of modern marriage, yet the finished product is a cluster of snarky, tantrums from a middle-aged she-bro who, at best, has a warped sense of humor and believes that publicly denigrating herself, her husband, and her family makes her cool or subversive or witty. Reader, Foreverland is none of these things, and neither is its author.
I've been flimflammed. I assumed this book would be a literate middle-brow sociological exploration of modern marriage. Actually, the book is a tangle of invectives and solipsistic anecdotes bordering on scuzzy. Havrilesky huffs, screeches, and swears up a storm in this book, zigzagging from one topic to another, and never misses an opportunity to trash her husband or herself, all the while exhibiting unearned pride in her abilities as a writer, wife, and mother. This shrieking harridan contributes nothing to the discourse around marriage, motherhood, feminism, or love and sex. Havrilesky and her writing exist somewhere in the sludgy nexus between NFL commentary, an SNL sketch, the cover of Brides magazine, a mommy blog, and an episode of The Real Housewives. Make no mistake, Foreverland is a low-culture take on a marriage no one wants to know about. Seek your pleasures elsewhere.
I write all of this as a preamble to the review I am about to give to tell you, friends, that I take no pleasure (that word again) in trashing a book. Look through the many reviews I have given to books on Goodreads over the years and you will rarely see a one-star review. As a writer I comprehend the herculean task of sitting down, pulling oneself away from all the responsibilities and distractions of the world to scribble words on a blank page or type them on a screen and hope that someday someone will read your words and form a connection. Writing is damn hard work. This is why a reader's heart palpitates whenever they encounter a sumptuous book or a deftly written article. Beautiful words can move us and, in rare cases, alter the course of human history. That may be lofty, but I think on some level all readers aspire to transcendence. This is also why bad writing such as I encountered in Foreverland: On the Divine Tedium of Marriage can jolt a reader into fits of rage.
Foreverland is a bad book. It is stunningly bad. It is bad in every iteration of badness a book can be, alternating between grotesque, insipid, and insulting. Heather Havrilesky endeavored, I think, to write a daring expose of modern marriage, yet the finished product is a cluster of snarky, tantrums from a middle-aged she-bro who, at best, has a warped sense of humor and believes that publicly denigrating herself, her husband, and her family makes her cool or subversive or witty. Reader, Foreverland is none of these things, and neither is its author.
I've been flimflammed. I assumed this book would be a literate middle-brow sociological exploration of modern marriage. Actually, the book is a tangle of invectives and solipsistic anecdotes bordering on scuzzy. Havrilesky huffs, screeches, and swears up a storm in this book, zigzagging from one topic to another, and never misses an opportunity to trash her husband or herself, all the while exhibiting unearned pride in her abilities as a writer, wife, and mother. This shrieking harridan contributes nothing to the discourse around marriage, motherhood, feminism, or love and sex. Havrilesky and her writing exist somewhere in the sludgy nexus between NFL commentary, an SNL sketch, the cover of Brides magazine, a mommy blog, and an episode of The Real Housewives. Make no mistake, Foreverland is a low-culture take on a marriage no one wants to know about. Seek your pleasures elsewhere.
February 20, 2022
»Forever is two immortal elves, sipping pink champagne by a burbling stream, then exploring the wild, gorgeous woods around them in everlasting harmony. Forever is set in New Zealand, not New Jersey.«
It was around Christmas when I came across Heather Havrilesky’s essay “Marriage Requires Amnesia” (which is an adaptation from this book) in the New York Times.
In it, Havrileski poignantly describes her 15-year marriage to Bill Sandoval. While reading it, I laughed out loud and I cried and sometimes all of it at the same time.
Being in the 23rd year of my marriage myself, I felt both understood and like gaining a better understanding of my wife.
»But we weren’t married yet, so he still thought he could do whatever he wanted.«
I couldn’t wait to see “Foreverland: On the Divine Tedium of Marriage” released in early February because I was hoping for more of the same. And I got it - to some extent.
Divided into four parts, “Foreverland” reads like the memoir of a relationship - starting at the tumultuous courtship between Heather and Bill, we learn a lot about Heather who tells us precisely who she is and what she craves at the age of 34:
»I wanted a husband. One that looked nice. [...] with a solid career to match my own. I wanted a hunky, square-jawed, mature listener. [...] a nurturing daddy type who would hang on my every word. And I wanted an athlete. [...] an intellectual who was also a comedian, but with a nice ass. I wanted a cross between a therapist and a cowboy.«
This is when she meets Bill, a professor. Who is, as we’re going to learn, hot and incredibly patient and, on the other hand, »he is more or less exactly the same as a heap of laundry: smelly, inert, useless, almost sentient but not quite.« before he had his first coffee (which I can totally relate to!).
Marriage, kids, the suburbs, pestilence and plague follow and are explored in-depth in this wonderfully liberating book. While Havrilesky is both exploring and explaining her marriage, she delivers an unapologetically honest account of both their struggles.
A totally honest Havrilesky dispels the myths of “happily ever after” and marriages without issues.
From the small annoyances…
»A simple inquiry—“What are we going to do about dinner?”—incites an existential crisis, the 742nd of its kind since your wedding day.«
… to completely questioning everything…
»I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend forever with anyone, least of all myself.«
… this was a breath of fresh air. A much needed breeze to blow away the fairy tale depictions of love and marriage to create space for a more understanding and a more humane approach.
At times, the book drew out a little - there was a lot of stuff about the kids around the 50% mark and rambling descriptions of life in the suburbs (which seem to be very similar in Western societies, even on different continents…) but at about 70% Havrilesky picks up the pace again and I was laughing tears. When my daughter (20) came along and I let her read some passages, she giggled and triumphantly shouted “That’s YOU, DAD!”.
And I cannot really deny it. In some aspects I’m Bill. If I were the type, I’d get myself a t-shirt saying “I’m Bill”. But, luckily, my wife is also a bit of a Heather. And so am I, too. And she can be a Bill at times.
Maybe you’re going to say, “But my marriage is perfect! My partner farts a scent of roses!”. Well, maybe I’m the odd one out - or maybe you are. Maybe Havrilesky gets it all wrong, I don’t know (it’s just that a lot of it makes sense to me!).
At no point, though, does Havrilesky claim to present any universal truths about marriage. She doesn’t fall prey to making one - her - marriage as a blueprint for all marriages. That’s part of what I like a lot about this book. In fact, she states it clearly:
»This book represents my personal attempt to understand why I signed myself up for the world’s most impossible endurance challenge.«
To me, Havrilesky very much succeeds at that while also rationalising feelings of doubt, “the darkness” as she puts it:
»I wrote this book to explore that tedium, along with everything else that marriage brings: the feeling of safety, the creeping darkness, the raw fear and suspense of growing older together, the tiny repeating irritations, the rushes of love, the satisfactions of companionship, the unexpected rage of recognizing that your partner will probably never change. And in writing this book, I discovered new layers within my marriage and myself, haunting and chaotic, wretched and unlovable.«
Thank you, Heather, for this book! And thank you to you, C., for being my “partner in crime” for all this time and, hopefully, for a long time to come.
Four out of five stars for the book - and an extra one for courage and honesty!
Blog | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram
It was around Christmas when I came across Heather Havrilesky’s essay “Marriage Requires Amnesia” (which is an adaptation from this book) in the New York Times.
In it, Havrileski poignantly describes her 15-year marriage to Bill Sandoval. While reading it, I laughed out loud and I cried and sometimes all of it at the same time.
Being in the 23rd year of my marriage myself, I felt both understood and like gaining a better understanding of my wife.
»But we weren’t married yet, so he still thought he could do whatever he wanted.«
I couldn’t wait to see “Foreverland: On the Divine Tedium of Marriage” released in early February because I was hoping for more of the same. And I got it - to some extent.
Divided into four parts, “Foreverland” reads like the memoir of a relationship - starting at the tumultuous courtship between Heather and Bill, we learn a lot about Heather who tells us precisely who she is and what she craves at the age of 34:
»I wanted a husband. One that looked nice. [...] with a solid career to match my own. I wanted a hunky, square-jawed, mature listener. [...] a nurturing daddy type who would hang on my every word. And I wanted an athlete. [...] an intellectual who was also a comedian, but with a nice ass. I wanted a cross between a therapist and a cowboy.«
This is when she meets Bill, a professor. Who is, as we’re going to learn, hot and incredibly patient and, on the other hand, »he is more or less exactly the same as a heap of laundry: smelly, inert, useless, almost sentient but not quite.« before he had his first coffee (which I can totally relate to!).
Marriage, kids, the suburbs, pestilence and plague follow and are explored in-depth in this wonderfully liberating book. While Havrilesky is both exploring and explaining her marriage, she delivers an unapologetically honest account of both their struggles.
A totally honest Havrilesky dispels the myths of “happily ever after” and marriages without issues.
From the small annoyances…
»A simple inquiry—“What are we going to do about dinner?”—incites an existential crisis, the 742nd of its kind since your wedding day.«
… to completely questioning everything…
»I wasn’t sure I wanted to spend forever with anyone, least of all myself.«
… this was a breath of fresh air. A much needed breeze to blow away the fairy tale depictions of love and marriage to create space for a more understanding and a more humane approach.
At times, the book drew out a little - there was a lot of stuff about the kids around the 50% mark and rambling descriptions of life in the suburbs (which seem to be very similar in Western societies, even on different continents…) but at about 70% Havrilesky picks up the pace again and I was laughing tears. When my daughter (20) came along and I let her read some passages, she giggled and triumphantly shouted “That’s YOU, DAD!”.
And I cannot really deny it. In some aspects I’m Bill. If I were the type, I’d get myself a t-shirt saying “I’m Bill”. But, luckily, my wife is also a bit of a Heather. And so am I, too. And she can be a Bill at times.
Maybe you’re going to say, “But my marriage is perfect! My partner farts a scent of roses!”. Well, maybe I’m the odd one out - or maybe you are. Maybe Havrilesky gets it all wrong, I don’t know (it’s just that a lot of it makes sense to me!).
At no point, though, does Havrilesky claim to present any universal truths about marriage. She doesn’t fall prey to making one - her - marriage as a blueprint for all marriages. That’s part of what I like a lot about this book. In fact, she states it clearly:
»This book represents my personal attempt to understand why I signed myself up for the world’s most impossible endurance challenge.«
To me, Havrilesky very much succeeds at that while also rationalising feelings of doubt, “the darkness” as she puts it:
»I wrote this book to explore that tedium, along with everything else that marriage brings: the feeling of safety, the creeping darkness, the raw fear and suspense of growing older together, the tiny repeating irritations, the rushes of love, the satisfactions of companionship, the unexpected rage of recognizing that your partner will probably never change. And in writing this book, I discovered new layers within my marriage and myself, haunting and chaotic, wretched and unlovable.«
Thank you, Heather, for this book! And thank you to you, C., for being my “partner in crime” for all this time and, hopefully, for a long time to come.
Four out of five stars for the book - and an extra one for courage and honesty!
Blog | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram
August 17, 2021
Heather Havrilesky has single-handedly captured the entire spectrum of emotions that come with being married. This book is a harshly insightful, and hilariously honest look in the mirror over the life of a “successful” marriage.
MV rating: 9/10 should be required course reading to receive a marriage license.
- Brutally honest, and thoroughly entertaining view of a real life relationship, warts and all.
- I highlighted something on almost every single page. Each story HIT. Especially the COVID-19 story. Any home bound spouses with only one dog out there? I see you and feel you.
-Being married is a plague upon your house might be my favorite new way to describe it.
- We are all changing, growing and exploring. When we accept that, we are on the way to a more peaceful way of life.
Big thanks to Netgalley and Harper Collins for the advanced copy! Available in 2022
MV rating: 9/10 should be required course reading to receive a marriage license.
- Brutally honest, and thoroughly entertaining view of a real life relationship, warts and all.
- I highlighted something on almost every single page. Each story HIT. Especially the COVID-19 story. Any home bound spouses with only one dog out there? I see you and feel you.
-Being married is a plague upon your house might be my favorite new way to describe it.
- We are all changing, growing and exploring. When we accept that, we are on the way to a more peaceful way of life.
Big thanks to Netgalley and Harper Collins for the advanced copy! Available in 2022
February 16, 2022
Like a lot of folks, I've seen reviews of this book that paint Heather Havrilesky to be unlikable, self-absorbed, a shrew, mean to her husband, a woman airing her family's dirty laundry for all the world to see. All I can say is, I think people who read the book and come away with that impression have poor reading comprehension.
I liked this book a LOT. In a weird way, it actually gives me shades of Jia Tolentino's TRICK MIRROR. The writing is completely different, and this is memoir and not quasi-research-based essays, but both books are extremely smart, extremely engaging, first-person nonfiction by people examining womanhood, and how it operates within our society, and how they, as individuals, fit within that framework.
This is an honest, exciting, snappily written, smart-as-hell portrayal of a marriage over fifteen years, between two people who totally love and trust and get each other, and also can't stand each other's guts sometimes, but THAT'S OKAY, for God's sake, because what else would you expect when you sign up to drag another sentient sack of meat across the surface of the earth until you die?
Also, Havrilesky writes with incisive, impressive clarity about how she felt about things that happened fifteen years ago, which is amazing to me, because I can't even remember how I felt this morning.
I liked this book a whole lot. I'll probably re-read it. I recommend it.
I received an eARC from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
I liked this book a LOT. In a weird way, it actually gives me shades of Jia Tolentino's TRICK MIRROR. The writing is completely different, and this is memoir and not quasi-research-based essays, but both books are extremely smart, extremely engaging, first-person nonfiction by people examining womanhood, and how it operates within our society, and how they, as individuals, fit within that framework.
This is an honest, exciting, snappily written, smart-as-hell portrayal of a marriage over fifteen years, between two people who totally love and trust and get each other, and also can't stand each other's guts sometimes, but THAT'S OKAY, for God's sake, because what else would you expect when you sign up to drag another sentient sack of meat across the surface of the earth until you die?
Also, Havrilesky writes with incisive, impressive clarity about how she felt about things that happened fifteen years ago, which is amazing to me, because I can't even remember how I felt this morning.
I liked this book a whole lot. I'll probably re-read it. I recommend it.
I received an eARC from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
February 25, 2022
Never one to pass by a good marriage book - fiction or non - I’m ever so happy to have found this one.
Read this quote:
“But you’ll still wake up plenty of mornings wondering why you signed on to drag this wretched, snoring heap of meat with you everywhere you go until the day you die.”
Now feel your feels. Your feelings will be a direct indicator of whether you are ready for this book.
My hunch is that if you are not near or past the 20 year anniversary of marriage that you are not ready for this book.
I, of course, laughed my head off. I understood immediately. My husband did the same. We hit year 27 on February 27, 2022.
The book is one person’s brutal examination of modern day marriage. However, it might as well be mine too. Marriage ain’t for the weak and sentimental.
More enlightenment from these pages that I fully endorse:
“Every book about marriage is also a book about mortality, since the success of any marriage is defined not by happiness or good fortune but by death. The assignment, after all, is to stay together until you die. Once one spouse perishes, the marriage has succeeded. Death signals victory.”
“Because even after years of careful training, a spouse will still do whatever a spouse feels like doing. “
“Hating your spouse is as natural as disliking an unexpected bout of flu. A spouse is a blessing and a curse wrapped into one. How could it be otherwise? How is hatred not the natural outcome of sleeping so close to another human for years, like common criminals? Unless you plug a Propofol drip into your arm every single night, how do you encounter the grunts and growls and extended gravelly snores of this foul space invader as anything but a pox on your existence?”
And to end on a positive note:
“But I’ve struggled to stand still and feel his love for me. It’s the hardest thing to do, sometimes: just to stand still and be loved.”
This book is worth every single star for its honesty and truth.
Read this quote:
“But you’ll still wake up plenty of mornings wondering why you signed on to drag this wretched, snoring heap of meat with you everywhere you go until the day you die.”
Now feel your feels. Your feelings will be a direct indicator of whether you are ready for this book.
My hunch is that if you are not near or past the 20 year anniversary of marriage that you are not ready for this book.
I, of course, laughed my head off. I understood immediately. My husband did the same. We hit year 27 on February 27, 2022.
The book is one person’s brutal examination of modern day marriage. However, it might as well be mine too. Marriage ain’t for the weak and sentimental.
More enlightenment from these pages that I fully endorse:
“Every book about marriage is also a book about mortality, since the success of any marriage is defined not by happiness or good fortune but by death. The assignment, after all, is to stay together until you die. Once one spouse perishes, the marriage has succeeded. Death signals victory.”
“Because even after years of careful training, a spouse will still do whatever a spouse feels like doing. “
“Hating your spouse is as natural as disliking an unexpected bout of flu. A spouse is a blessing and a curse wrapped into one. How could it be otherwise? How is hatred not the natural outcome of sleeping so close to another human for years, like common criminals? Unless you plug a Propofol drip into your arm every single night, how do you encounter the grunts and growls and extended gravelly snores of this foul space invader as anything but a pox on your existence?”
And to end on a positive note:
“But I’ve struggled to stand still and feel his love for me. It’s the hardest thing to do, sometimes: just to stand still and be loved.”
This book is worth every single star for its honesty and truth.
February 11, 2022
Was hoping for reflections on long term partnerships but this was almost exclusively about astoundingly privileged childcare. I understand the tongue in cheek disparaging remarks about her husband are a joke and she clearly adores him I just wish this book was actually about marriage or was titled "the divine tedium of rich person parenting with the boon of nice extended family" so you know what you're in for. She details that she went off the pill the day they got engaged and got pregnant a week later so there was literally no period of this account about anything but parenting.
February 14, 2022
I liked: the concept, the cover, the subtitle.
I disliked: the author's audiobook narration, the chapters about motherhood (that could have been a whole 'nother book), the disorganized anecdotes included for the sake of humor.
I was so excited to read a book about "the tedium of marriage." Give me your stories about hot young love and I raise you the mundanity of long-term companionship and safety! Because the author is an advice columnist, I was hoping for the space to embrace the boredom of commitment but instead read about the chaos of children and her resentment for the suburbs.
I disliked: the author's audiobook narration, the chapters about motherhood (that could have been a whole 'nother book), the disorganized anecdotes included for the sake of humor.
I was so excited to read a book about "the tedium of marriage." Give me your stories about hot young love and I raise you the mundanity of long-term companionship and safety! Because the author is an advice columnist, I was hoping for the space to embrace the boredom of commitment but instead read about the chaos of children and her resentment for the suburbs.
January 30, 2022
I went into this expecting a snarky commentary on modern marriage. Don't get me wrong, the snark is there but this is a deeply personal memoir about one woman's experiences with marriage and motherhood.
The first 30% of the book was solid. I laughed a lot and was impressed with the writing. Then she had kids and I couldn't relate to her as much. Then, the book started to feel repetitive. The final 10% was also solid, and I wish she could have made the rest of the book as engaging as the start and finish.
This book is NOT for readers who think marriage is a joy and that they would never resent their spouse. This book is for people who understand that marriage is hard work, even when it's going well.
While I don't agree with the author on everything to do with marriage, I respect the hell out of her for writing such an honest memoir. I think most of the people giving it poor reviews are uncomfortable with the fact that she says a lot of things someone "shouldn't" say about their spouse. This book isn't for those readers, it's for the readers who will relate to the author's journey and realize they aren't alone.
The first 30% of the book was solid. I laughed a lot and was impressed with the writing. Then she had kids and I couldn't relate to her as much. Then, the book started to feel repetitive. The final 10% was also solid, and I wish she could have made the rest of the book as engaging as the start and finish.
This book is NOT for readers who think marriage is a joy and that they would never resent their spouse. This book is for people who understand that marriage is hard work, even when it's going well.
While I don't agree with the author on everything to do with marriage, I respect the hell out of her for writing such an honest memoir. I think most of the people giving it poor reviews are uncomfortable with the fact that she says a lot of things someone "shouldn't" say about their spouse. This book isn't for those readers, it's for the readers who will relate to the author's journey and realize they aren't alone.
December 28, 2021
Pub date: 2/8/22
Genre: memoir, family/marriage
In one sentence: Ask Polly advice columnist Heather Havrilesky illustrates the delights, aggravations, and sublime calamities of her marriage over the span of fifteen years.
I got married 18 months ago, and I'm always looking for advice and stories from those who have been married for much longer than I have. Havrilesky does a great job showing the ups and downs of marriage - the myriad benefits you get from such a deep commitment, but also the wondering about why you've linked yourself to a person who can be so annoying sometimes. I loved her balance of lighthearted and deep content, and she showed me that the little bumps are just part of the ride. I think it's perfect that this book will be released the week before Valentine's Day because it shows all the complexities and wonder of committed relationships.
Thank you to Ecco for providing an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
Review posted to Goodreads 12/19/21, to be posted to Instagram closer to pub date.
Genre: memoir, family/marriage
In one sentence: Ask Polly advice columnist Heather Havrilesky illustrates the delights, aggravations, and sublime calamities of her marriage over the span of fifteen years.
I got married 18 months ago, and I'm always looking for advice and stories from those who have been married for much longer than I have. Havrilesky does a great job showing the ups and downs of marriage - the myriad benefits you get from such a deep commitment, but also the wondering about why you've linked yourself to a person who can be so annoying sometimes. I loved her balance of lighthearted and deep content, and she showed me that the little bumps are just part of the ride. I think it's perfect that this book will be released the week before Valentine's Day because it shows all the complexities and wonder of committed relationships.
Thank you to Ecco for providing an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
Review posted to Goodreads 12/19/21, to be posted to Instagram closer to pub date.
May 2, 2022
I feel like I need to take quaaludes to read this book. The author/author's writing is very high-strung and a degree of emotionalism that unsettling for me. While there are moments that are amusing, some of the actions are disturbing. Alas, not my cup of tea--ymmv.
Loved the title, but note that the book starts with dating.
DNF 50%
Loved the title, but note that the book starts with dating.
DNF 50%
December 14, 2022
HH is here to throw down, and if you're not here for it, scamper back to a Mormon mom blog.
I've followed HH since her Salon TV critic days. No other critic will ever get how much I fracking loved the Battlestar Galactica reboot. I pre-ordered her book in reaction to the bullshit NY times review by That Guy in Your MFA 20 Years Later who doesn't seem to understand what memoir IS or the job of a reviewer: "I know only my own marriage, like her, and I prefer to hide its nuttier moments. Marriage is — for myself and others — a secret."
I guess Mary Karr was busy that day.
But then, like me having to admit Ted Nugent has a point (god help) in that Dave Grohl's songs are missing something, I initially found myself agreeing with one of the reviewer's crticisms—too many metaphors. I found myself skimming to find the story, especially in the honeymoon phase.
We know the ending (divine tedium). We know the husband will become a sack of laundry. But what about when he was a crisp white shirt? And what about that feeling of satisfaction smug marrieds get when they've leveled up in the Game of Life? Then the reader would be allowed the pleasure of turning the pages for when these hot successful people get to realize their marriage is like celebrities at the grocery store—just like us. (Well, now I can't resist metaphors).
Which brings me to one admission (for all the admissions made) that could have used more expansion (although it's touched on): how marrying remains a status symbol. That walking down the aisle in a beautiful dress to an adoring, handsome, athletic man means (cisgender) you checked that box. You're a winner. Goodbye, dumb boyfriends! One of my favorite lines is where HH admits the uselessness of them all: "What good is a boyfriend?...He is temporary filler, a disposable prop, a transitional object, a traveling salesman...Who wants to shove all of your beauty and youth and light into a boyfriend-shaped garbage bag, when you know that you'll eventually drag it out to the curb..."
Nevermind, I love metaphors. Metaphors are the best.
The book really hits stride once the kids enter. The best parts begin with labor and extend through HH inheriting the crown of Erma Bombeck's The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank. That's right. The woman from Akron with the beehive everyone should still read. These stories of bouncy houses and cheerleading tryouts and cookouts lock into place.
Towards the end, the memoir loses structure as it gets meta—the writer is writing the memoir about marriage as she is living the marriage. How to stop? The book isn't quite sure. And the husband, beyond handsome and patient, remains a foggy character. The ending is messy, undefined. Great in places but inconsistent.
Kind of like a real marriage?
So here we have it: if HH added 2000 pages and changed her name to Karl Ove Knausgaard her Certified Genius certificate would be in the mail.
I've followed HH since her Salon TV critic days. No other critic will ever get how much I fracking loved the Battlestar Galactica reboot. I pre-ordered her book in reaction to the bullshit NY times review by That Guy in Your MFA 20 Years Later who doesn't seem to understand what memoir IS or the job of a reviewer: "I know only my own marriage, like her, and I prefer to hide its nuttier moments. Marriage is — for myself and others — a secret."
I guess Mary Karr was busy that day.
But then, like me having to admit Ted Nugent has a point (god help) in that Dave Grohl's songs are missing something, I initially found myself agreeing with one of the reviewer's crticisms—too many metaphors. I found myself skimming to find the story, especially in the honeymoon phase.
We know the ending (divine tedium). We know the husband will become a sack of laundry. But what about when he was a crisp white shirt? And what about that feeling of satisfaction smug marrieds get when they've leveled up in the Game of Life? Then the reader would be allowed the pleasure of turning the pages for when these hot successful people get to realize their marriage is like celebrities at the grocery store—just like us. (Well, now I can't resist metaphors).
Which brings me to one admission (for all the admissions made) that could have used more expansion (although it's touched on): how marrying remains a status symbol. That walking down the aisle in a beautiful dress to an adoring, handsome, athletic man means (cisgender) you checked that box. You're a winner. Goodbye, dumb boyfriends! One of my favorite lines is where HH admits the uselessness of them all: "What good is a boyfriend?...He is temporary filler, a disposable prop, a transitional object, a traveling salesman...Who wants to shove all of your beauty and youth and light into a boyfriend-shaped garbage bag, when you know that you'll eventually drag it out to the curb..."
Nevermind, I love metaphors. Metaphors are the best.
The book really hits stride once the kids enter. The best parts begin with labor and extend through HH inheriting the crown of Erma Bombeck's The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank. That's right. The woman from Akron with the beehive everyone should still read. These stories of bouncy houses and cheerleading tryouts and cookouts lock into place.
Towards the end, the memoir loses structure as it gets meta—the writer is writing the memoir about marriage as she is living the marriage. How to stop? The book isn't quite sure. And the husband, beyond handsome and patient, remains a foggy character. The ending is messy, undefined. Great in places but inconsistent.
Kind of like a real marriage?
So here we have it: if HH added 2000 pages and changed her name to Karl Ove Knausgaard her Certified Genius certificate would be in the mail.
March 11, 2022
I read about this book in a NYT column, and thought it sounded like a good reflection on life, marriage, and parenthood. But having now read the book, I’m left wondering how much the author had to bribe the NYT with to get them to recommend the book.
The book opens with an explanation about its goal to describe the authors great reflections on marriage based on her own. And the first chapter seem to be witty and funny and that it would turn into a great advice book that I should buy and highlight and learn from before I get married next year. But it’s really just 283 pages of the author writing horrible, judgemental things about herself, her kids, and primarily her husband. I cannot imagine describing to my 8 year old child that everything in life is a let down and that they’re fools for wanting to take part in a talent show or cheer tryouts. Or telling my husband that I hated his feelings and emotional vulnerability after he went to therapy (on my orders!) and made personal growth as a result.
I thought that this was the worst the author could be, until I spent many pages reading her description of wanting to cheat on her husband, her actual plans to do so, and how she told her husband about this in epic detail. I don’t know any relationship or person that is evolved or comfortable enough to happily take that as part of daily life.
Maybe all of this emotional vomit could be palatable if it was peppered with personal growth and meaningful insights, but every section of the book just went downhill faster. And her final, crushing revelation of cancer in just a few pages with minimal reflection felt like a garnish on top of the garbage pile of previous chapters. Now THERE was a good book - life, marriage, and kids in the face of breast cancer and treatment in the pandemic. But instead we got a bad tell all pounded out during a pandemic so the author could look back and say “I stayed relevant! I was productive! I was better than all of you who stayed home and silently fought the good fight. Look at what I produced, read it and be like me”. (Note: don’t be like her, if you can help it).
I only gave it two stars as the writing flows well and there was an occasional witty moment.
The book opens with an explanation about its goal to describe the authors great reflections on marriage based on her own. And the first chapter seem to be witty and funny and that it would turn into a great advice book that I should buy and highlight and learn from before I get married next year. But it’s really just 283 pages of the author writing horrible, judgemental things about herself, her kids, and primarily her husband. I cannot imagine describing to my 8 year old child that everything in life is a let down and that they’re fools for wanting to take part in a talent show or cheer tryouts. Or telling my husband that I hated his feelings and emotional vulnerability after he went to therapy (on my orders!) and made personal growth as a result.
I thought that this was the worst the author could be, until I spent many pages reading her description of wanting to cheat on her husband, her actual plans to do so, and how she told her husband about this in epic detail. I don’t know any relationship or person that is evolved or comfortable enough to happily take that as part of daily life.
Maybe all of this emotional vomit could be palatable if it was peppered with personal growth and meaningful insights, but every section of the book just went downhill faster. And her final, crushing revelation of cancer in just a few pages with minimal reflection felt like a garnish on top of the garbage pile of previous chapters. Now THERE was a good book - life, marriage, and kids in the face of breast cancer and treatment in the pandemic. But instead we got a bad tell all pounded out during a pandemic so the author could look back and say “I stayed relevant! I was productive! I was better than all of you who stayed home and silently fought the good fight. Look at what I produced, read it and be like me”. (Note: don’t be like her, if you can help it).
I only gave it two stars as the writing flows well and there was an occasional witty moment.
February 25, 2022
The book has a saucy 1950's style cover and reviewers like to cite its "big hearted wisdom," and the relief of reading about a "real" relationship rather than "painstakingly cropped Instagram families."The author also writes an advice column on something called Substack, and has been married for 15 years. And yet she writes: you may "declare your marriage happy and become the masochist your marriage wants you to be. But you still wake up plenty of mornings wondering why you drag this wretched snoring, heap of meat with you everywhere you go until the day you die."
I suppose this is what is meant by the term 'savagely funny,' but it left me feeling sad and dismayed. The author admits to being neurotic and unreasonable on a regular basis but still insists HE must be accepting and respectful of her foibles at all times. This is not funny and neither is she. No thanks.
I suppose this is what is meant by the term 'savagely funny,' but it left me feeling sad and dismayed. The author admits to being neurotic and unreasonable on a regular basis but still insists HE must be accepting and respectful of her foibles at all times. This is not funny and neither is she. No thanks.
April 3, 2022
bitingly funny, and not in the tired “old ball and chain, I hate my spouse” humor where everyone laughs awkwardly and wonders why the heteros don’t just get divorced if they hate each other that much kind of way, but in the “let’s talk frankly about messy imperfect humans who choose to commit themselves to each other day in and day out, and how love isn’t happily ever after with rainbows all the time” kind of way.
January 2, 2022
This book was about being married. It definitely was accurate. I loved that the wife's name was Heather like mine. I know how ot is to have 2 kids close in age. Can't wait to read more of her books.
January 19, 2023
There is a nostalgic comfort in reading Heather Havrilesky. She of the immediately recognizable blogger voice which is both a blessing and a curse. For me she is forever stuck in the 90's — I imagine her big headed comic avatar as rendered by Terry Colon at Suck.com opining on the tragedy of marriage. It is a beautiful disaster, a tornado of emotion, a sinkhole of nagging doubts, a glorious drag. And Havrilesky wastes no time weighing in on her phlegmy, walking heap of laundry that she chose to marry 15 years ago when an emboldened fan, clearly overstepping the parasocial boundaries of online fandom, emailed her a mash note. Suddenly she finds herself in the suburbs with two kids and obsessing over the possibility of a tiny infidelity.
And it's all achingly familiar with the gnashing of teeth, petulant griping, murderous thoughts and another example for good comedic measure. It is the classic sitcom setup where amidst the chaos you imagine the action frozen in place and the author quipping "you're probably wondering how I got here". Havrilesky eventually comes around to the understanding that she is certainly with her favourite human on the planet before dashing off for another round of hijinks.
And it's all achingly familiar with the gnashing of teeth, petulant griping, murderous thoughts and another example for good comedic measure. It is the classic sitcom setup where amidst the chaos you imagine the action frozen in place and the author quipping "you're probably wondering how I got here". Havrilesky eventually comes around to the understanding that she is certainly with her favourite human on the planet before dashing off for another round of hijinks.
July 11, 2022
I generally don’t write reviews on here, but I sort of felt compelled to in this case - largely because it doesn’t seem like anyone who’s panning HH for her thoughts on her husband or the suburbs has actually read this book? The underlying thread of the book is about how much she loves her husband and how hard it is to love someone who you see/sees you fully - vulnerability is a scary trap, even when entered into willingly! Also, we will all choose things for reasons both conscious and unconscious, and then resent having made those choices while also still enjoying some of the things that came from them!
I’ve been reading HH/Polly for nearly a decade now, and what drew me initially is what carried me through this book: no one else so brazenly and brilliantly articulates the mindfucking contradictions that characterizes being human.
(Where she loses points is the rambling hyperbole - not inherently a criticism, but not my cup of tea, stylistically. Thought the narrative structure was much stronger in the back half.)
I’ve been reading HH/Polly for nearly a decade now, and what drew me initially is what carried me through this book: no one else so brazenly and brilliantly articulates the mindfucking contradictions that characterizes being human.
(Where she loses points is the rambling hyperbole - not inherently a criticism, but not my cup of tea, stylistically. Thought the narrative structure was much stronger in the back half.)
January 15, 2022
This book will resonate with the kind of sharp, satirical, self-critical women who never quite buy into the rosier lies about conjugal bliss--and who never quite fit in as Normal Nuclear Families, despite their best efforts to do so. Havrilesky is as brutally hard on herself as she is on her long-suffering husband, he of the bizarrely epic sneezes and brutally short short term memory. She brings us from their early courtship (even that lacks romcom rosiness, since he is divorced with a kid and she is perennially negative) through their parenthood and middle age, and right up until COVID. The pandemic isolation, ironically, brings them and their family closer together rather than giving them cabin fever. A lot of fun to read. As a woman who was basically the town witch when I moved to the suburbs, I particularly enjoyed her chapters about the shoals of fitting in there.
January 31, 2022
A brutally honest and hilarious book about being married and what it takes to remain married.
It can be applied to any type of important relationship and had fun but also reflected on what I read.
Highly recommended.
Many thanks to the publisher and Edelweiss for this ARC, all opinions are mine
It can be applied to any type of important relationship and had fun but also reflected on what I read.
Highly recommended.
Many thanks to the publisher and Edelweiss for this ARC, all opinions are mine
May 7, 2022
I thought this would be a funny commentary about the drudgeries of marriage but it was just a not well-written complaint that could have been maybe an op-ed.
January 13, 2022
In Foreverland, Heather Havrilesky eschews the traditional writing about marriage— writing that is typically filled with religious sentiment and gendered expectations. She writes of
marriage as a contract entered by two flawed people, whose flaws don’t instantly go away when they say I do. As a newlywed myself, it is refreshing to see this depiction of marriage—one that is messy, angry, selfish, and sometimes feels like having a human shaped piece of luggage to drag around. There are no proclamations of marital duties in this book, which for an advice book of any sort is nothing short of a miracle.
There are moments when Havrilesky dips into gendered stereotypes of wives within marriage, but often she is quick to call herself out. These moments are largely within the scenes, with the narrator jumping in to judging herself (sometimes even a bit too harshly) for these thoughts. She is a little looser with marital stereotypes for her husband, however, that I would have liked to see those interrogated just as fervently as the ones for women. Additionally, any connection of these gendered expectation or lack thereof is left to the reader to find within the memoir narrative. Had Havrilesky made these connections explicit herself, it would have given her a chance to underline and strengthen her points even further by differentiating from advice of the past.
Part memoir, part advice for the married and hoping-to-be-married alike, at times this book feels like it is written for two separate audiences. Personally, I found the advice bits to be the most compelling, and markedly different from stories I’ve read a thousand times over. The take of marriage being “divine tedium” is one that I would have loved to see take up more space in the book, rather than a vehicle to write a memoir of her own relationship. As someone who specializes in giving advice, I went into the book hoping to learn more and read more insights than pure run-of-the-mill memoir. The final chapters, which deal with covid, blended memoir and advice beautifully— I wish she would have done so more consistently throughout.
Havrilesky is skilled at writing compelling and fast prose to carry a story without too many extraneous details. The book is, without a doubt, well written, especially in conveying a clear impression of her marriage in just 304 pages. If you are a fan of relationship and motherhood memoirs by writers such as Cat Marnell, Mandy Stadtmiller, and Meaghan O'Connell then this will be right up your alley and scratch that itch in a way that validates a marriage as it is now, not as its idealized to be.
Thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and provide an honest review.
marriage as a contract entered by two flawed people, whose flaws don’t instantly go away when they say I do. As a newlywed myself, it is refreshing to see this depiction of marriage—one that is messy, angry, selfish, and sometimes feels like having a human shaped piece of luggage to drag around. There are no proclamations of marital duties in this book, which for an advice book of any sort is nothing short of a miracle.
There are moments when Havrilesky dips into gendered stereotypes of wives within marriage, but often she is quick to call herself out. These moments are largely within the scenes, with the narrator jumping in to judging herself (sometimes even a bit too harshly) for these thoughts. She is a little looser with marital stereotypes for her husband, however, that I would have liked to see those interrogated just as fervently as the ones for women. Additionally, any connection of these gendered expectation or lack thereof is left to the reader to find within the memoir narrative. Had Havrilesky made these connections explicit herself, it would have given her a chance to underline and strengthen her points even further by differentiating from advice of the past.
Part memoir, part advice for the married and hoping-to-be-married alike, at times this book feels like it is written for two separate audiences. Personally, I found the advice bits to be the most compelling, and markedly different from stories I’ve read a thousand times over. The take of marriage being “divine tedium” is one that I would have loved to see take up more space in the book, rather than a vehicle to write a memoir of her own relationship. As someone who specializes in giving advice, I went into the book hoping to learn more and read more insights than pure run-of-the-mill memoir. The final chapters, which deal with covid, blended memoir and advice beautifully— I wish she would have done so more consistently throughout.
Havrilesky is skilled at writing compelling and fast prose to carry a story without too many extraneous details. The book is, without a doubt, well written, especially in conveying a clear impression of her marriage in just 304 pages. If you are a fan of relationship and motherhood memoirs by writers such as Cat Marnell, Mandy Stadtmiller, and Meaghan O'Connell then this will be right up your alley and scratch that itch in a way that validates a marriage as it is now, not as its idealized to be.
Thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and provide an honest review.
March 10, 2022
I picked this up following a brief interview with Havrilesky I happened to hear on Public Radio, and thought the concept itself, yes, merits some exploration; my interest grew stronger when I saw the great cover! Made it 2/3 through, and couldn't stomach the author or her writing any further. And the entire section on her pregnancy & early motherhood - very little reference in there about what "marriage" had to do with any of that, and frankly, assuming it does, would be wrong too.
In a previous review, @MookNana describes how "off-putting" the found Havrilesky to be. Ab-so-lutely! Extremely shallow and selfish. Definite Narcissist attributes, and possibly disorder. I shudder to think she's in the position to offer anyone advice on personal matters. Her writing is that "Hallmark" style that honors a certain dumbing down. I'm surprised I kept with it for as many pages as I did.
In a previous review, @MookNana describes how "off-putting" the found Havrilesky to be. Ab-so-lutely! Extremely shallow and selfish. Definite Narcissist attributes, and possibly disorder. I shudder to think she's in the position to offer anyone advice on personal matters. Her writing is that "Hallmark" style that honors a certain dumbing down. I'm surprised I kept with it for as many pages as I did.
March 3, 2022
A funny, honest and utterly relatable memoir about falling in love, being a good partner, having children and how it takes a lot of work to not want to strangle your partner (or kids) some days. I didn't know anything about this author before picking up the book but it was pure delight! Easy to listen to, I found myself laughing out loud multiple times. The last part of the book about life during the initial months of the pandemic and discovering she might have breast cancer were particularly poignant and moving. Definitely recommended, especially on audio read by the author.
February 4, 2022
Heather in velvet robes
Trekking across
The martial wasteland
The sands fall out –
From under her and Bedouins too
The desert craves her body
Yield, yes, she yields
And is loved again.
#poem
Chris Roberts, Patron Saint to the Goodbye People
Trekking across
The martial wasteland
The sands fall out –
From under her and Bedouins too
The desert craves her body
Yield, yes, she yields
And is loved again.
#poem
Chris Roberts, Patron Saint to the Goodbye People
May 8, 2023
Way to draw me in with a great cover and a witty subtitle! While I love the concept, was not a fan of the execution: the humour doesn’t always land for me and the lack of self-awareness in certain parts is ironic. I think a therapist would have a field day with this one.
September 18, 2022
this certainly was a book!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 475 reviews