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Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life
Goodreads Choice Award
Nominee for Best Science & Technology (2015)An essential exploration of why and how women’s sexuality works—based on groundbreaking research and brain science—that will radically transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy.
Researchers have spent the last decade trying to develop a “pink pill” for women to function like Viagra does for men. So where is it? Well, for reasons this book makes crystal clear, that pill will never exist—but as a result of the research that’s gone into it, scientists in the last few years have learned more about how women’s sexuality works than we ever thought possible, and Come as You Are explains it all.
The first lesson in this essential, transformative book by Dr. Emily Nagoski is that every woman has her own unique sexuality, like a fingerprint, and that women vary more than men in our anatomy, our sexual response mechanisms, and the way our bodies respond to the sexual world. So we never need to judge ourselves based on others’ experiences. Because women vary, and that’s normal.
Second lesson: sex happens in a context. And all the complications of everyday life influence the context surrounding a woman’s arousal, desire, and orgasm.
Cutting-edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life, is not what you do in bed or how you do it, but how you feel about it. Which means that stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it. Once you understand these factors, and how to influence them, you can create for yourself better sex and more profound pleasure than you ever thought possible.
And Emily Nagoski can prove it.
Researchers have spent the last decade trying to develop a “pink pill” for women to function like Viagra does for men. So where is it? Well, for reasons this book makes crystal clear, that pill will never exist—but as a result of the research that’s gone into it, scientists in the last few years have learned more about how women’s sexuality works than we ever thought possible, and Come as You Are explains it all.
The first lesson in this essential, transformative book by Dr. Emily Nagoski is that every woman has her own unique sexuality, like a fingerprint, and that women vary more than men in our anatomy, our sexual response mechanisms, and the way our bodies respond to the sexual world. So we never need to judge ourselves based on others’ experiences. Because women vary, and that’s normal.
Second lesson: sex happens in a context. And all the complications of everyday life influence the context surrounding a woman’s arousal, desire, and orgasm.
Cutting-edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life, is not what you do in bed or how you do it, but how you feel about it. Which means that stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it. Once you understand these factors, and how to influence them, you can create for yourself better sex and more profound pleasure than you ever thought possible.
And Emily Nagoski can prove it.
400 pages, Paperback
First published March 3, 2015
About the author
Emily Nagoski
38 books2,429 followersThe official bio is:
"Emily Nagoski has a PhD in Health Behavior with a doctoral concentration in human sexuality from Indiana University (IU), and a master’s degree (also from IU) in Counseling, with a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute Sexual Health Clinic. She has taught graduate and undergraduate classes in human sexuality, relationships and communication, stress management, and sex education."
What all that means, really, is that I am here to teach women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. It's a small goal in the grand scheme of things - I'm not trying to bring peace to the Middle East or repair the ozone layer - but it's a goal that I think truly does have the power to change lives and, ultimately, the world.
You can find me online:
Twitter @enagoski
Facebook Emily Nagoski
Medium @emilynagoski
Blog
"Emily Nagoski has a PhD in Health Behavior with a doctoral concentration in human sexuality from Indiana University (IU), and a master’s degree (also from IU) in Counseling, with a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute Sexual Health Clinic. She has taught graduate and undergraduate classes in human sexuality, relationships and communication, stress management, and sex education."
What all that means, really, is that I am here to teach women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. It's a small goal in the grand scheme of things - I'm not trying to bring peace to the Middle East or repair the ozone layer - but it's a goal that I think truly does have the power to change lives and, ultimately, the world.
You can find me online:
Twitter @enagoski
Facebook Emily Nagoski
Medium @emilynagoski
Blog
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 7,429 reviews
November 4, 2015
All right so this is not the book I thought it was when I got it, and I apologise for a rating that would surely be higher if I were part of the target audience. I was hoping it was a survey of the latest scientific research into arousal disorders and sexuality; in fact, it's a very selective presentation of those pieces of research that are considered helpful in ‘promoting women's sexual well-being, autonomy and pleasure’. Studies, however revealing, which do not promote such things are ignored. In other words, the book is primarily therapy, not science. Perhaps not surprising given that the author is a sex therapist, but I hadn't realised that – I thought she was a researcher.
This means that, although there is some useful information here, it is interspersed with a lot of rather irritating, vaguely encouraging bullshit about ‘living with confidence and joy inside your body’, reassurances that you are ‘all normal, all beautiful’, and exhortations to ‘listen with your heart, not with your fear’. Naturally as a British passport-holder I cannot read this stuff without feeling my toes clench and my testicles retract into my body, and the narrative tone doesn't help either. Nagoski writes in the earnest, chatty way of someone trying to write a book for people who don't read books, with lots of forcedly colloquial comments like, ‘Wait: what?’ and, ‘For realsie real.’
OK, fine, I am clearly not the target audience, I get that, but for me it gets incredibly grating when every hint of scientific information is hedged around with encouragements and stupid metaphors and open condescension: before a section on the hedonic centres of the mesolimbic cortex (which Nagoski calls ‘your emotional One Ring’), she warns, ‘It gets pretty nerdy here […] Ready? Okay’, and afterwards pats us on the head by asking, ‘Did you make it? Phew! That was the hard part. Nice job.’ Gee thanks, Dr Nagoski!
Really? What I found so infuriating about all this is the implied gendering of her tone – it's somehow pitched at a certain idea of women, as though they have no interest in hard science and need their research presented in the form of a Cosmo quiz. It's really outrageous; I don't know if I should be taking it as some reflection on the state of US science education, but the total horror of any scientific terminology, combined with the girlfriends-chatting-over-a-Manhattan tone, just left a really bad taste in the mouth. (Men come off no better – Nagoski writes that she has to ‘translate the science of women's sexual well-being into Manly Fix-It Dude-Speak’ to talk to her clients' partners….)
The reason this is so frustrating is that the actual research presented is pretty important and, in some cases, not so well known. The two presiding ideas in the book, I think, are the concept of responsive v. spontaneous desire, and the dual control model of sexual arousal. The terms ‘responsive desire’ and ‘spontaneous desire’ have been floating around for over a decade now – I think the key paper was Basson et al. 2003 (although Nagoski says they were coined by Ellen Laan and Stephanie Both, which may be true; Laan is one of the authors of that paper). The basic idea is that while some people can get turned on while walking down the street or doing the dishes, for others it's something that only happens in response to situations that have already been made explicitly erotic. Arousal first, desire second.
The disparity between these different kinds of desire is, of course, behind a lot of relationship stresses, whence Nagoski's clinical interest. For her what's important here is to point out that responsive desire is perfectly OK and is not the same as ‘low desire’.
She writes ‘a woman’ – and there may well be a sex divide. Nagoski estimates (on somewhat shaky data, because research into this is limited) that five percent of men and thirty percent of women have responsive desire, compared with seventy-five percent of men and five percent of women whose desire is ‘spontaneous’. (This leaves most women and twenty percent of men whose desire style changes based on the context – a rather large amount which does slightly throw the whole model into question. Asexuality is not addressed.) Nagoski is understandably worried about the idea that sexual desire which differs from the male norm is pathologised as ‘broken’ or defective in some way, something to be ‘fixed’ by taking a so-far-mythical pill; she wrote an op-ed piece for the New York Times back in February on this subject.
It's all good stuff and it's certainly a vocabulary that more people should have at their disposal. However, it should be noted that other models of sexual desire are available. It's also worth saying that all we are really doing here is playing semantics. Thinking about responsive desire as a thing might help people to feel better about themselves and not to feel broken – which is good, and they're not – but it doesn't really say anything about what's actually going on. What affects whether desire is spontaneous or responsive? Hormones? Neurology? Upbringing? Culture?
(This semantics issue is something the whole book suffers from – same goes for her long and heartfelt rant about why we do not have a sex ‘drive’ but rather an ‘incentive motivation system’. For the life of me after reading that section several times, I couldn't work out what the difference was supposed to be.)
Even more than responsive desire, Nagoski is excited about something called the Dual Control Model of Arousal. This is the idea developed by two researchers at the Kinsey Institute in 2006 (the paper's here) and essentially what it does is to consider libido in terms of those psychosomatic processes that promote sexual arousal, and in terms of those that restrain it. The paper posits a Sexual Excitation System (SES) on the one hand, and a Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) on the other; Nagoski calls them the accelerators and the brakes. The SES is that part of you that constantly scans your thoughts and the world around you for sexually-relevant data; the SIS is – not inhibitions in the layman's sense, but a necessary consideration of negative consequences of any sexual activity, whether medical, social, psychological or whatever.
Conceptualising things in this way turns out to add quite a lot of nuance to how we think about arousal. People with arousal problems differ fundamentally in where the issue lies: some have a low SES (i.e. not many things actually turn them on in principle), while others have a very rich SES but just a highly sensitive inhibition system which stops them reacting as fully as they otherwise might, unless conditions are ideal. Similarly, sexual risk-taking like unprotected sex, cheating and so on, is sometimes correlated with low SIS and sometimes with abnormally high SES.
Nagoski very sensibly suggests that a prerequisite to overcoming arousal problems is understanding one's own SES and SIS – getting familiar with what exactly it is that turns you on and turns you off, and creating contexts where the former are maximised and the latter minimised. There are lots of interesting studies that bear on these ideas in various ways. It was found, for example, that wearing socks made it easier for women to orgasm while masturbating in a brain imaging machine. This is not because there are more sock fetishists than previously appreciated, but simply because it's distracting if you have cold feet, and depending on your personal SIS little distractions of this kind can add up fast (especially, one presumes, when trying to get off inside a brain imaging machine).
It's clear that Nagoski wants to back up her ideas by using interviews with her clients, to demonstrate how helpful these concepts can be. And some interviews like this would indeed have been great – books like Brett Kahr's Sex and the Psyche show how well clinical transcripts can work in books of this kind. But, pleading confidentiality issues, Nagoski instead invents fictional couples who she says are composites of the many people she has treated in real life, and the book is interspersed with transcripts of how these fictional people were fictionally treated. Reading these made-up conversations with made-up couples, who nod and gasp appropriately at all her revelations, is an exercise in pure frustration.
There were times when I wanted to throw this book across the room, and it's only thanks to the good fortune that I was reading it on my iPad that I was forced to press on. Nevertheless, there are small parts of it that I'd like to cut out and circulate to everyone I know, so it is an odd mix. Parts of the book, I mean, not my iPad. Nagoski is after all basically coming from the right place and talking about the right things, and she's not afraid of making some big claims for her field either.
No way I can one-star a book saying something as close to my heart as that. And I guess if what you want is something therapeutic rather than just informative, then this will fit the bill pretty well. Still, despite all the interesting material to be uncovered in here, it is hard to shake off the vague feeling that you're getting a lecture on sexual dysfunction from a children's television presenter.
(Oct 2015)
I've been very intentional about the empirical details I've included or excluded. I asked myself, “Does this fact help women have better sex lives, or is it just a totally fascinating and important empirical puzzle?”
And I cut the puzzles.
This means that, although there is some useful information here, it is interspersed with a lot of rather irritating, vaguely encouraging bullshit about ‘living with confidence and joy inside your body’, reassurances that you are ‘all normal, all beautiful’, and exhortations to ‘listen with your heart, not with your fear’. Naturally as a British passport-holder I cannot read this stuff without feeling my toes clench and my testicles retract into my body, and the narrative tone doesn't help either. Nagoski writes in the earnest, chatty way of someone trying to write a book for people who don't read books, with lots of forcedly colloquial comments like, ‘Wait: what?’ and, ‘For realsie real.’
OK, fine, I am clearly not the target audience, I get that, but for me it gets incredibly grating when every hint of scientific information is hedged around with encouragements and stupid metaphors and open condescension: before a section on the hedonic centres of the mesolimbic cortex (which Nagoski calls ‘your emotional One Ring’), she warns, ‘It gets pretty nerdy here […] Ready? Okay’, and afterwards pats us on the head by asking, ‘Did you make it? Phew! That was the hard part. Nice job.’ Gee thanks, Dr Nagoski!
Aristophanes, in Plato's Symposium—and for those of you who very understandably just fell asleep, replace that with the song “The Origin of Love” from John Cameron Mitchell's Hedwig and the Angry Itch—offers this parable about why humans love…
Really? What I found so infuriating about all this is the implied gendering of her tone – it's somehow pitched at a certain idea of women, as though they have no interest in hard science and need their research presented in the form of a Cosmo quiz. It's really outrageous; I don't know if I should be taking it as some reflection on the state of US science education, but the total horror of any scientific terminology, combined with the girlfriends-chatting-over-a-Manhattan tone, just left a really bad taste in the mouth. (Men come off no better – Nagoski writes that she has to ‘translate the science of women's sexual well-being into Manly Fix-It Dude-Speak’ to talk to her clients' partners….)
The reason this is so frustrating is that the actual research presented is pretty important and, in some cases, not so well known. The two presiding ideas in the book, I think, are the concept of responsive v. spontaneous desire, and the dual control model of sexual arousal. The terms ‘responsive desire’ and ‘spontaneous desire’ have been floating around for over a decade now – I think the key paper was Basson et al. 2003 (although Nagoski says they were coined by Ellen Laan and Stephanie Both, which may be true; Laan is one of the authors of that paper). The basic idea is that while some people can get turned on while walking down the street or doing the dishes, for others it's something that only happens in response to situations that have already been made explicitly erotic. Arousal first, desire second.
The disparity between these different kinds of desire is, of course, behind a lot of relationship stresses, whence Nagoski's clinical interest. For her what's important here is to point out that responsive desire is perfectly OK and is not the same as ‘low desire’.
A woman can be perfectly normal and healthy and never experience spontaneous sexual desire. Instead, she may experience ‘responsive’ desire, in which her desire emerges only in a highly erotic context.
She writes ‘a woman’ – and there may well be a sex divide. Nagoski estimates (on somewhat shaky data, because research into this is limited) that five percent of men and thirty percent of women have responsive desire, compared with seventy-five percent of men and five percent of women whose desire is ‘spontaneous’. (This leaves most women and twenty percent of men whose desire style changes based on the context – a rather large amount which does slightly throw the whole model into question. Asexuality is not addressed.) Nagoski is understandably worried about the idea that sexual desire which differs from the male norm is pathologised as ‘broken’ or defective in some way, something to be ‘fixed’ by taking a so-far-mythical pill; she wrote an op-ed piece for the New York Times back in February on this subject.
It's all good stuff and it's certainly a vocabulary that more people should have at their disposal. However, it should be noted that other models of sexual desire are available. It's also worth saying that all we are really doing here is playing semantics. Thinking about responsive desire as a thing might help people to feel better about themselves and not to feel broken – which is good, and they're not – but it doesn't really say anything about what's actually going on. What affects whether desire is spontaneous or responsive? Hormones? Neurology? Upbringing? Culture?
(This semantics issue is something the whole book suffers from – same goes for her long and heartfelt rant about why we do not have a sex ‘drive’ but rather an ‘incentive motivation system’. For the life of me after reading that section several times, I couldn't work out what the difference was supposed to be.)
Even more than responsive desire, Nagoski is excited about something called the Dual Control Model of Arousal. This is the idea developed by two researchers at the Kinsey Institute in 2006 (the paper's here) and essentially what it does is to consider libido in terms of those psychosomatic processes that promote sexual arousal, and in terms of those that restrain it. The paper posits a Sexual Excitation System (SES) on the one hand, and a Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) on the other; Nagoski calls them the accelerators and the brakes. The SES is that part of you that constantly scans your thoughts and the world around you for sexually-relevant data; the SIS is – not inhibitions in the layman's sense, but a necessary consideration of negative consequences of any sexual activity, whether medical, social, psychological or whatever.
Conceptualising things in this way turns out to add quite a lot of nuance to how we think about arousal. People with arousal problems differ fundamentally in where the issue lies: some have a low SES (i.e. not many things actually turn them on in principle), while others have a very rich SES but just a highly sensitive inhibition system which stops them reacting as fully as they otherwise might, unless conditions are ideal. Similarly, sexual risk-taking like unprotected sex, cheating and so on, is sometimes correlated with low SIS and sometimes with abnormally high SES.
Nagoski very sensibly suggests that a prerequisite to overcoming arousal problems is understanding one's own SES and SIS – getting familiar with what exactly it is that turns you on and turns you off, and creating contexts where the former are maximised and the latter minimised. There are lots of interesting studies that bear on these ideas in various ways. It was found, for example, that wearing socks made it easier for women to orgasm while masturbating in a brain imaging machine. This is not because there are more sock fetishists than previously appreciated, but simply because it's distracting if you have cold feet, and depending on your personal SIS little distractions of this kind can add up fast (especially, one presumes, when trying to get off inside a brain imaging machine).
It's clear that Nagoski wants to back up her ideas by using interviews with her clients, to demonstrate how helpful these concepts can be. And some interviews like this would indeed have been great – books like Brett Kahr's Sex and the Psyche show how well clinical transcripts can work in books of this kind. But, pleading confidentiality issues, Nagoski instead invents fictional couples who she says are composites of the many people she has treated in real life, and the book is interspersed with transcripts of how these fictional people were fictionally treated. Reading these made-up conversations with made-up couples, who nod and gasp appropriately at all her revelations, is an exercise in pure frustration.
There were times when I wanted to throw this book across the room, and it's only thanks to the good fortune that I was reading it on my iPad that I was forced to press on. Nevertheless, there are small parts of it that I'd like to cut out and circulate to everyone I know, so it is an odd mix. Parts of the book, I mean, not my iPad. Nagoski is after all basically coming from the right place and talking about the right things, and she's not afraid of making some big claims for her field either.
Do I think that living with confidence and joy and respecting everyone's sexual autonomy could play a role in preventing cancer, solving the climate crisis, or building world peace? Yes, actually.
No way I can one-star a book saying something as close to my heart as that. And I guess if what you want is something therapeutic rather than just informative, then this will fit the bill pretty well. Still, despite all the interesting material to be uncovered in here, it is hard to shake off the vague feeling that you're getting a lecture on sexual dysfunction from a children's television presenter.
(Oct 2015)
December 2, 2015
The information in this book is solid gold. A copy should be put in the hands of every person, ideally before they've had sexual contact with another person. But. BUT. The metaphors. Dear Lord, the metaphors. We have sexuality as an accelerator and brakes, sexuality as an overgrown garden, sexuality as a hot water heater, complex feelings as a sleeping hedgehog, sexual interest as a customers seeking a diner, sexual expectations as a touchy monitor tapping her fingernails, our brains as a flock of birds, and SO MANY OTHERS I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER.
I understand and applaud what Nagoski is doing in terms of wanting to convey big complicated cognitive functions in more relatable prose. But it touches a nerve for me when writers anthropomorphize female sexuality. I find it infantilizing. I'm a big girl, just tell me what my brain is doing, I can read about chemicals and neurons and whatnot. I don't need to imagine my brain as a lion and my pelvis as a caveman or whatever other nonsense.
So 5 stars for the content, 4 stars for the chatty conversational writing style (which did not annoy me but will probably polarize some readers) and 1 star for the overworked metaphors.
I understand and applaud what Nagoski is doing in terms of wanting to convey big complicated cognitive functions in more relatable prose. But it touches a nerve for me when writers anthropomorphize female sexuality. I find it infantilizing. I'm a big girl, just tell me what my brain is doing, I can read about chemicals and neurons and whatnot. I don't need to imagine my brain as a lion and my pelvis as a caveman or whatever other nonsense.
So 5 stars for the content, 4 stars for the chatty conversational writing style (which did not annoy me but will probably polarize some readers) and 1 star for the overworked metaphors.
April 25, 2024
Ok, when I saw the tile of this book, it thought probably what everyone else thought about this book. (Ok, the introduction and chapter 8 and appendix one might be, but the rest is science over myth), If it did not come, it was highly recommended from a respected friend of mine from uni. I probably would not ever give it the first look. Read is as some "light reading" doing her PhD. in Psychology. So, of course, she decided to experiment with her friend to get a male perspective on the book. So let me get this out of the way first. No!! This is not a collection of sex stories. There are actual case studies. They are not written to be provocative but to understand the feeling of the accelerators and the breaks.
Thought Emily does quote a number of scientific theories and is by her own admission a "nerd" (no judgement I have been a proud geek for years), you do not have to be to understand the book, it is written in an easy to read way. I found there is a lot of truth to this book, and even though it is written primarily for women in mind I think both me men and women can lean a lot from it and will see traits of both in the case studies.
I also think there are some very important messages in this book, the main one being the first like and echoed throughout the book "You are OK." You are normal. You are not broken. " Usually, whenever we do not fit the mould or something does not live up out our expectations, one of those three thoughts does through our heads. the other messages that she tries to show us are the messages we are bombarded with through out our lives the "that is wrong", "you should look like this", or "that is not normal". I quite like the idea of celebrating differences and then persecuting people for them.
This is a great book with a lot of insightful theories and science against myth and breaking down some pretty big walls. theories of sex and psychology have been linked since Sigmund Freud. As some theories have moved on others, we still have so much to learn about in others. It is a great book that should be read by everyone and commented on what you agree with or disagree with.
Thought Emily does quote a number of scientific theories and is by her own admission a "nerd" (no judgement I have been a proud geek for years), you do not have to be to understand the book, it is written in an easy to read way. I found there is a lot of truth to this book, and even though it is written primarily for women in mind I think both me men and women can lean a lot from it and will see traits of both in the case studies.
I also think there are some very important messages in this book, the main one being the first like and echoed throughout the book "You are OK." You are normal. You are not broken. " Usually, whenever we do not fit the mould or something does not live up out our expectations, one of those three thoughts does through our heads. the other messages that she tries to show us are the messages we are bombarded with through out our lives the "that is wrong", "you should look like this", or "that is not normal". I quite like the idea of celebrating differences and then persecuting people for them.
This is a great book with a lot of insightful theories and science against myth and breaking down some pretty big walls. theories of sex and psychology have been linked since Sigmund Freud. As some theories have moved on others, we still have so much to learn about in others. It is a great book that should be read by everyone and commented on what you agree with or disagree with.
March 24, 2021
An excellent book about women physiology and the psychology of sexual arousal and pleasure. It uses the latest scientific discoveries about women sexuality to debunk some myths and to try to improve life between the sheets. I read it for the science because you can never now enough about the subject and I was not disappointed.
The bottom line of the book is that women physiology and sexuality was viewed, explained and criticized from men’s lens and standards. As the author clearly explains, women are very different.
I will leave you with some interesting bits of wisdom.
- Male and female sex parts are the same but arranged differently. The correspondent of the pleasure organ, aka the penis, is the clitoris, not the vagina as many might think. As a result, the majority of women can only have orgasm by the stimulation of the clit. It is no wonder then that 75% of women never orgasm or rarely.
- responsive v. spontaneous desire, Basically, some people can get turned on randomly while for others it only happens in response to highly erotic situations. 75% of men and 5% of women have spontaneous desires. 30% of women have only responsive desire and the rest change depending on the context. Well, she talks a lot about context and here things get a bit blurry
- she talks about the existence of Dual Control Model of Arousal which consist in a Sexual Excitation System (SES) –accelerators and Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) – breaks. Each woman has a various degree of both and there is a large chapter about how to identify your mix and how to adjust the SES and SIS to improve your sex life. Context again is very important.
- It talks a lot about how stress influences the sex life, not a surprise here I guess, but she does it quite well.
- Arousal non-concordance, a concept I did not know and it is very important especially in context of violence towards women. Apparently, you can get wet/erect without being aroused because the brain tells to your genitals that there is a sexual context. An important example is with rape victims who are mistakenly thought to be enjoying themselves because of this involuntary reaction.
Emily Nagoski is sex therapist and the book is written as a form of therapy. The main focus is to make the reader feel normal and confident with her body and sexuality which is great but it can also be tiring because of many repetitions. The tone is very chatty and informal; it felt like reading a Cosmo article. There were lots of laughable (to me) similes trying to better explain some concepts.
I somehow felt that the author tried too hard to make the concepts accessible and because of that it appeared like she was writing to dumb child.
The bottom line of the book is that women physiology and sexuality was viewed, explained and criticized from men’s lens and standards. As the author clearly explains, women are very different.
I will leave you with some interesting bits of wisdom.
- Male and female sex parts are the same but arranged differently. The correspondent of the pleasure organ, aka the penis, is the clitoris, not the vagina as many might think. As a result, the majority of women can only have orgasm by the stimulation of the clit. It is no wonder then that 75% of women never orgasm or rarely.
- responsive v. spontaneous desire, Basically, some people can get turned on randomly while for others it only happens in response to highly erotic situations. 75% of men and 5% of women have spontaneous desires. 30% of women have only responsive desire and the rest change depending on the context. Well, she talks a lot about context and here things get a bit blurry
- she talks about the existence of Dual Control Model of Arousal which consist in a Sexual Excitation System (SES) –accelerators and Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) – breaks. Each woman has a various degree of both and there is a large chapter about how to identify your mix and how to adjust the SES and SIS to improve your sex life. Context again is very important.
- It talks a lot about how stress influences the sex life, not a surprise here I guess, but she does it quite well.
- Arousal non-concordance, a concept I did not know and it is very important especially in context of violence towards women. Apparently, you can get wet/erect without being aroused because the brain tells to your genitals that there is a sexual context. An important example is with rape victims who are mistakenly thought to be enjoying themselves because of this involuntary reaction.
Emily Nagoski is sex therapist and the book is written as a form of therapy. The main focus is to make the reader feel normal and confident with her body and sexuality which is great but it can also be tiring because of many repetitions. The tone is very chatty and informal; it felt like reading a Cosmo article. There were lots of laughable (to me) similes trying to better explain some concepts.
I somehow felt that the author tried too hard to make the concepts accessible and because of that it appeared like she was writing to dumb child.
Read
May 5, 2015It’s hard not to love a book with a pseudo-vagina on the front; it’s even harder not to love that same book for smashing all the preconceived ideas we have about female (and by comparison, male) sexuality. Like, for example, did you know that the hymen as an indication of virginity is entirely a social construction and there is no scientific evidence backing it? Using actual, real science, Dr. Emily Nagoski – a speak-the-truth-and-only-the-truth sex educator/professor – breaks down all the things we think we know about sex and desire and drive and, in the process, makes you feel like not are you normal, but we’re ALL normal. As she says over and over and over, “We’re all made up of the same basic parts, just organized differently.” In other words, there is no normal. This is a game changer of a human sexuality book – not just for women, who have always been told that men’s sexuality is the default (HINT: it’s not) – but for men who love women and don’t understand why the things that work for them, don’t work for women. Just….just go buy this. Buy this and read it and try not to be that weird person pushing a sex book on every single lady person you know. Because these are all lessons we need to learn. Better for us, better for everyone. — Rachel Manwill
from The Best Books We Read in April: http://bookriot.com/2015/05/01/riot-r...
from The Best Books We Read in April: http://bookriot.com/2015/05/01/riot-r...
March 26, 2016
2 stars - Meh. Just ok.
I love the concept behind this book and it started off very interesting and introduced several facts of which I was not previously aware. Unfortunately, it then became a long repetitive read with the bulk majority of the information being mostly common sense, and started to feel like a self-help book vs a nonfiction book on a fascinating topic. I found myself doing a lot of skimming on the back half wondering if there would be another interesting chapter coming up (like the start of the book), but the back 75% was rather dull for me. Worth a read if you feel clueless in this area.
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Favorite Quote: Women have cultural permission to criticize ourselves, but we are punished if we praise ourselves, if we dare to say that we like ourselves the way we are.
First Sentence: To be a sex educator is to be asked questions.
I love the concept behind this book and it started off very interesting and introduced several facts of which I was not previously aware. Unfortunately, it then became a long repetitive read with the bulk majority of the information being mostly common sense, and started to feel like a self-help book vs a nonfiction book on a fascinating topic. I found myself doing a lot of skimming on the back half wondering if there would be another interesting chapter coming up (like the start of the book), but the back 75% was rather dull for me. Worth a read if you feel clueless in this area.
-------------------------------------------
Favorite Quote: Women have cultural permission to criticize ourselves, but we are punished if we praise ourselves, if we dare to say that we like ourselves the way we are.
First Sentence: To be a sex educator is to be asked questions.
February 19, 2015
Come As You Are is absolutely the best book I've ever read, not just on sex, but on life and well being in general. Why read another book on sex? Because Emily describes how your brain and your life work together to create desire, and how to experience more pleasure, more joy, and more confidence with your relationships AND with sex.
But this isn't the usual sex book with lavish promises of ecstasy by learning detailed techniques of where to put this and how to put it there. Emily gives you science that feels like a warm, soothing hug for all of the insecurities you've ever felt about your body, your sex, and your relationships, and then she describes how to apply science to your life so that you end up with the pleasure, joy and confidence.
To be honest, after finishing a draft of this book, I felt more peace and well being than I'd felt in about ten years, which is about when I started worrying about my body and sex. And it's because Emily is describing how your brain interprets stress and how your body responds because of that, how to actually manage stress without just trying to relax, and how you can create a life that your body will respond all kinds of YES to. Then add in science about how your brain works with goals, and what kind of goal you have around your sex life, and then you can appreciate how to work with the reality of your life and not just the fantasy of what you want your love life to be.
I've read Emily's blog for a couple years now, but the way she puts everything together and elaborates on all the science makes everything click in a way that feels reassuring and full of potential. I'm now reading parts of the draft again, and understanding even better how all of the elements work together to build joy and confidence and pleasure. It's truly beautiful.
Come As You Are is the most practical book I've ever read about sex, and with this book and Sheri Winston's Anatomy of Arousal, I would never have needed any other book on sex. And I bought hundreds. I'm also not the most sciencey person, and luckily, Emily explains really complicated concepts in an easy to apply way.
I really think this book could change our culture's whole idea of sexuality in a way that creates more pleasure for everyone.
But this isn't the usual sex book with lavish promises of ecstasy by learning detailed techniques of where to put this and how to put it there. Emily gives you science that feels like a warm, soothing hug for all of the insecurities you've ever felt about your body, your sex, and your relationships, and then she describes how to apply science to your life so that you end up with the pleasure, joy and confidence.
To be honest, after finishing a draft of this book, I felt more peace and well being than I'd felt in about ten years, which is about when I started worrying about my body and sex. And it's because Emily is describing how your brain interprets stress and how your body responds because of that, how to actually manage stress without just trying to relax, and how you can create a life that your body will respond all kinds of YES to. Then add in science about how your brain works with goals, and what kind of goal you have around your sex life, and then you can appreciate how to work with the reality of your life and not just the fantasy of what you want your love life to be.
I've read Emily's blog for a couple years now, but the way she puts everything together and elaborates on all the science makes everything click in a way that feels reassuring and full of potential. I'm now reading parts of the draft again, and understanding even better how all of the elements work together to build joy and confidence and pleasure. It's truly beautiful.
Come As You Are is the most practical book I've ever read about sex, and with this book and Sheri Winston's Anatomy of Arousal, I would never have needed any other book on sex. And I bought hundreds. I'm also not the most sciencey person, and luckily, Emily explains really complicated concepts in an easy to apply way.
I really think this book could change our culture's whole idea of sexuality in a way that creates more pleasure for everyone.
February 15, 2021
I kept searching for the "SCIENCE" that was promised in the title. There was some there, but the book is a soft self affirmation. There were some interesting bits, but not enough to warrant a full reading.
May 9, 2015
Books like this are why I LOVE non-fiction.
This should be required reading on female sexuality, both for those with vaginas and those who are interested in or love someone with a vagina. I mention the parts here because they ARE a big component of the book. This is a guide to how everyone has the same parts, rearranged differently, and it's our perception of that and relationship with that mentality that changes our feelings, perceptions, and experiences of sex itself.
Nagoski writes in an empowering, encouraging, fun, and yes, FUNNY, manner. I would hand this to every single woman I know.
For me, the biggest take away, the moment which took this from really good to outstanding, was her discussion on body image, on body weight, and how it is our culture plus some that screws us up so bad. In short, it's the patriarchy that smashes female desire, love, and interest in sex and in their own sexual beings and experiences. We accept male-as-default forgetting that also means women lose out over and over and over again.
Buy this one. Read it. Then pass it along. Seriously. It's THAT good.
This should be required reading on female sexuality, both for those with vaginas and those who are interested in or love someone with a vagina. I mention the parts here because they ARE a big component of the book. This is a guide to how everyone has the same parts, rearranged differently, and it's our perception of that and relationship with that mentality that changes our feelings, perceptions, and experiences of sex itself.
Nagoski writes in an empowering, encouraging, fun, and yes, FUNNY, manner. I would hand this to every single woman I know.
For me, the biggest take away, the moment which took this from really good to outstanding, was her discussion on body image, on body weight, and how it is our culture plus some that screws us up so bad. In short, it's the patriarchy that smashes female desire, love, and interest in sex and in their own sexual beings and experiences. We accept male-as-default forgetting that also means women lose out over and over and over again.
Buy this one. Read it. Then pass it along. Seriously. It's THAT good.
January 13, 2019
For some women I have no doubt this would be a life-changing book. I definitely learned some cool stuff, things I am pissed that I did not know (because, patriarchy). But I guess I'm lucky enough that I don't really need the 'self-help' of this book to help with my sex life, and this aspect is really the meat of the book. Also, Nagoski acknowledges that the book is for and about cisgender women, so that omission didn't bother me (there isn't enough science about trans women or enby people), but I did still feel like it was suited for straight women in long term monogamous relationships, which Nagoski doesn't give a disclaimer for like she does the focus on cis women. The examples of lesbians didn't really feel like they were specific to those experiences and bi women don't come up at all. Single and poly women wouldn't get a lot out of this that would speak specifically to those experiences either, I don't think. Plus, the metaphors used to explain absolutely everything got to me after a while.
July 7, 2016
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life is a nonfiction, self-help book written by sex educator, researcher, and author Emily Nagoski. It educates about a variety of issues that impact women's sexuality, and while some of it got quite repetitive in my opinion and I didn't quite take away as much new information as I expected to, I'm glad I read it. My favorite part discussed how the model of sexual response is based entirely on how men work, and if women fail to be like men, they are often not considered sexually normal. Any woman can tell you this isn't breaking news but I thought having a whole section themed with "you are normal, it's the world around you that's broken" was incredibly validating. I will forever and a day support women who choose the science field, and I have a high appreciation for Ms. Nagoski's reasons for writing this book in the first place. Check it out!
My favorite quote:
"When people ask me, "Am I normal?" They're asking, "Do I belong?" The answer is yes. You belong in your body. You belong in the world. You've belonged since the day you were born, this is your home. You don't have to earn it by conforming to some externally imposed sexual standard."
7/6/16: I'm actually super excited about this book. No shame ladies - learning is good!
My favorite quote:
"When people ask me, "Am I normal?" They're asking, "Do I belong?" The answer is yes. You belong in your body. You belong in the world. You've belonged since the day you were born, this is your home. You don't have to earn it by conforming to some externally imposed sexual standard."
7/6/16: I'm actually super excited about this book. No shame ladies - learning is good!
February 4, 2022
This book not only unpacks all of the damage and misleading imbedded ideas our culture passes down each generation to both women AND men about female sexuality, but it also dives into all the practices and ways one can untangle such a mess and reclaim ones unique sexual identity.
From understanding that everyone (all sexes) are made of the exact same parts, just organized differently, to grasping the idea that if your 'map' doesn't match your 'forest/garden/land', the map is wrong - not you; this book brings what is considered to be so many taboo topics into focus with easily understood metaphors, interesting studies and personal stories from all kinds of women that one can relate to in one way or another.
This book is a beautiful invitation to get to know oneself (and potential partners) more intimately, embody oneself more confidently (without any needed changes) and embrace one's "on's" and "off's" in a way that empowers the individual to take their sexuality by the reigns and steer it in whatever direction they see fit - from frequency to interests and exploration.
What an empowering read and one that I wish I had found many years ago to save myself from a long stretch of unnecessary insecurities about my body, internalized inadequacy from partners who just weren't the right intimate fit and mood-killing shame from nonconsensual experiences that left some previously unhealed damage.
Hats off to Nagoski, now I only wish I had her as a friend to call up and discuss these ideas with in person. Passing the book off to all of my friends instead!
From understanding that everyone (all sexes) are made of the exact same parts, just organized differently, to grasping the idea that if your 'map' doesn't match your 'forest/garden/land', the map is wrong - not you; this book brings what is considered to be so many taboo topics into focus with easily understood metaphors, interesting studies and personal stories from all kinds of women that one can relate to in one way or another.
This book is a beautiful invitation to get to know oneself (and potential partners) more intimately, embody oneself more confidently (without any needed changes) and embrace one's "on's" and "off's" in a way that empowers the individual to take their sexuality by the reigns and steer it in whatever direction they see fit - from frequency to interests and exploration.
What an empowering read and one that I wish I had found many years ago to save myself from a long stretch of unnecessary insecurities about my body, internalized inadequacy from partners who just weren't the right intimate fit and mood-killing shame from nonconsensual experiences that left some previously unhealed damage.
Hats off to Nagoski, now I only wish I had her as a friend to call up and discuss these ideas with in person. Passing the book off to all of my friends instead!
February 8, 2019
When the title of a book claims to tackle “The Surprising New Science,” I would expect to actually have new research references and more sciencey information about “responsive desire” vs “spontaneous desire,” arousal disorders, and women sexuality. But then again, it is followed by the highly self-help-ish “Will Transform Your Sex Life,” so I should have known better.
The author does throw in some studies and articles - plus some Plato, for good measure -, but the chatty tone of the book is rather that of a therapy session, if not downright colloquial. I felt like overhearing a very long conversation between girlfriends. The reassurance that “we are all normal” and that our differences are “all normal, all beautiful” soon became an irritating catchphrase and an insufficient explanation. I also found the two teensy-tiny sections addressing traumatic experiences, by emphasizing that “you can simply begin practicing mindfulness, and gradually the trauma will work its way out, like shrapnel from an old wound,” almost laughable!
When you’re using phrases like “for realsie real” and “have all the feels” (with tons of ‘feels” variations) it is very hard for me to take you seriously. Few of the things discussed here were fundamentally new to me, others simply commonsensical, so clearly I may not be the target audience.
The author does throw in some studies and articles - plus some Plato, for good measure -, but the chatty tone of the book is rather that of a therapy session, if not downright colloquial. I felt like overhearing a very long conversation between girlfriends. The reassurance that “we are all normal” and that our differences are “all normal, all beautiful” soon became an irritating catchphrase and an insufficient explanation. I also found the two teensy-tiny sections addressing traumatic experiences, by emphasizing that “you can simply begin practicing mindfulness, and gradually the trauma will work its way out, like shrapnel from an old wound,” almost laughable!
When you’re using phrases like “for realsie real” and “have all the feels” (with tons of ‘feels” variations) it is very hard for me to take you seriously. Few of the things discussed here were fundamentally new to me, others simply commonsensical, so clearly I may not be the target audience.
January 25, 2022
3.5-4 stars
very informative, assuring and confidence building :)
felt it was directed towards couples who’ve been together for a long time and their sex life has dwindled a bit which is very far from what i am lol
but as a single gal wanting to feel more empowered about her sexuality, i felt it was still worth the read and i took away a lot of valuable lessons, the main one being: YOU ARE NORMAL
i’m going to work on context, compassion to myself and being fully present and see where it takes me 👀❤️
very informative, assuring and confidence building :)
felt it was directed towards couples who’ve been together for a long time and their sex life has dwindled a bit which is very far from what i am lol
but as a single gal wanting to feel more empowered about her sexuality, i felt it was still worth the read and i took away a lot of valuable lessons, the main one being: YOU ARE NORMAL
i’m going to work on context, compassion to myself and being fully present and see where it takes me 👀❤️
September 21, 2022
This review and others @Bookerification
Rating: 4 stars
Cover: 🌟🌟🌟
With the bright pink background and pseudo-vagina, I would have found this book cover more striking if the features had been arranged and formatted slightly differently. As it is, the design looks nice enough and is fitting for the genre.
"The Clit, the Whole Clit, and Nothing but the Clit"
Writing: 🌟🌟🌟🌟
From the start, Emily Nagoski's writing style is clear and easy to follow. The casual, conversational tone may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I enjoyed it. This style seemed perfectly suited for communicating science to a general audience in an engaging manner. The stories and recurring metaphors also kept me interested through the information-packed chapters. The only thing that annoyed me was the constant repetition of key concepts, but I understand that this was simply to emphasise these points.
Content: 🌟🌟 🌟🌟
Emily Nagoski does a great job of merging science with her experience as a sex educator. The concepts she presents for improving sexual well-being are strongly infused with body positivity and normalcy messages. This created a warm, comfortable atmosphere that is perfect for what can be a complex and sensitive topic. There is so much information to take in, and I love the recap points at the end of each chapter.
“It turns out what matters most is not the parts you are made of or how they are organised, but how you feel about those parts.”
Everything considered, 'Come as You Are' is a great read that empowers women with tools and knowledge for improving their sexual well-being. The casual writing style made it easy to take in the contents, and these are backed by science and experience. I will certainly be returning to this book from time to time to glean as much as I can from it.
Rating: 4 stars
Cover: 🌟🌟🌟
With the bright pink background and pseudo-vagina, I would have found this book cover more striking if the features had been arranged and formatted slightly differently. As it is, the design looks nice enough and is fitting for the genre.
"The Clit, the Whole Clit, and Nothing but the Clit"
Writing: 🌟🌟🌟🌟
From the start, Emily Nagoski's writing style is clear and easy to follow. The casual, conversational tone may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I enjoyed it. This style seemed perfectly suited for communicating science to a general audience in an engaging manner. The stories and recurring metaphors also kept me interested through the information-packed chapters. The only thing that annoyed me was the constant repetition of key concepts, but I understand that this was simply to emphasise these points.
Content: 🌟🌟 🌟🌟
Emily Nagoski does a great job of merging science with her experience as a sex educator. The concepts she presents for improving sexual well-being are strongly infused with body positivity and normalcy messages. This created a warm, comfortable atmosphere that is perfect for what can be a complex and sensitive topic. There is so much information to take in, and I love the recap points at the end of each chapter.
“It turns out what matters most is not the parts you are made of or how they are organised, but how you feel about those parts.”
Everything considered, 'Come as You Are' is a great read that empowers women with tools and knowledge for improving their sexual well-being. The casual writing style made it easy to take in the contents, and these are backed by science and experience. I will certainly be returning to this book from time to time to glean as much as I can from it.
Read
October 3, 2020I've taken awhile to finish this, partly because I read it twice, and also because it requires careful thought and time to process. Pretty much every page contains some new and surprising concept on sexuality, body image and self-esteem. Written in clear, simple, sympathetic prose, every woman - and arguably, every man who has ever been baffled by a woman's sexuality - should read this.
April 23, 2018
This book reminds me why I hate reading self help books.
I listened an interview with the writer in a podcast and read couple of chapters and enjoyed it. However the remaining of the book is pretty disappointing. Writer thinks she is funny and she is not. And the style is mostly for teenagers. There are some useful information but it feels too redundant since she keeps repeating the same things over and over again. Some arguments are pretty fallacious.
I laughed out loud when she made an analogy on losing weight - removing your brain makes you lose 4 pounds of fat, or amputation would make your BMI go down. My laugh was not because she is funny but because of the ridiculous analogies she made.
And "Don't yuck others yum"?! Seriously sounds like a book for kindergarten kids.
I listened an interview with the writer in a podcast and read couple of chapters and enjoyed it. However the remaining of the book is pretty disappointing. Writer thinks she is funny and she is not. And the style is mostly for teenagers. There are some useful information but it feels too redundant since she keeps repeating the same things over and over again. Some arguments are pretty fallacious.
I laughed out loud when she made an analogy on losing weight - removing your brain makes you lose 4 pounds of fat, or amputation would make your BMI go down. My laugh was not because she is funny but because of the ridiculous analogies she made.
And "Don't yuck others yum"?! Seriously sounds like a book for kindergarten kids.
January 4, 2022
If there's anything that has been stopping you from reading about women's health and sexual wellbeing (first of all ask yourself why - if you are judgmental of it, let's address that first and kindly come back to this with an open mind), it doesn't get easier than picking this baby up!
I don't know by what circumstances I have come across this book, maybe this title came to me in a dream, maybe the forces that control this universe delivered it through necessary intervention (and with the use of my credit card) or perhaps deep down I knew that this was a book I particularly needed to read.
The first thing that is stated in this book and reiterated throughout is that you are normal. Our world, including the media and those around us personally, have constantly spoken their opinion on what is the "normal" way of being, acting, looking, feeling, sexual performing etc when in reality the way you are, the feelings that you have, the body that you have and the sexual experiences you have had are all normal. That was such a simple but profound message in this book that I needed to hear and really set up the foundation for a satisfactory reading experience.
Maybe you are still unconvinced thinking to yourself this sounds like a whole bunch of fluff, why would marta recommend me a book that just seems to tell me something I know, well first of all I'm glad you know it and second of all that was just the first chapter hunny, we got loads to unload.
The second chapter focuses on the dual control model: everyone (YES EVERYONE) is equipped with accelerators and inhibitors. For some their accelerator (the turn-ons) are very sensitive and they can rush off and have sex at any convenience. For others, their inhibitor (the turn-offs) are very sensitive and they hit the breaks. The inhibitors are influenced by multitude of things such as personal body image, stresses in every day life, the simple fact that their feet our cold, etc - it varies so much that you can quickly see how these external influences come into play when you want to get into play ;) and make it very hard to be present and get full pleasure during sex.
WOW!!! Can we just take a deep breath here because two things:
1. EVERYONE - that means men included have these accelerators and inhibitors and this is HUGE especially given the common perception that men are always ready to go and bone while it takes a little longer for a women to be in the mood.
2. There are various combinations of what people can have. Maybe they have very sensitive accelerators and laid-back brakes or the opposite or maybe they fall right in the middle of both. The important thing to note here is that everyone has these inhibitors that make it harder to enjoy sex and ITS COMPLETELY NORMAL
Phew. I don't know about you but I felt absolutely validated after learning this which I feel is never taught in sex ed (at least we know how to put a condom on a banana). We've got a pretty solid foundation set up for us and what unfolds is ways to how to address the inhibitors, create the right context for sex, the difference between learning/liking/wanting, why you should be non-judgmental, non-concordance, desire vs pleasure, ways to orgasm (and why it's okay if you don't) and many more all within 300+ pages of this book. Can you believe it? Because I am still in disbelief by how much I have learned.
I hope I have done some decent job of convincing you to give this book a try and if I didn't then hopefully you at least learned something from my review. I genuinely love the topic of women's health and learning as much as I can about my body. I'm so excited to continue on this journey, so much so that I have started a dedicated shelf to women's health (that is also featured on my page) where I will be adding the books that I read and learn from. If you have any recommendations (books or podcasts), I would highly appreciate those in the comments.
I started this book with a scientific mindset and ended up learning so much more about myself instead. As soon as this review is published, this book will be nicely gift wrapped and passed along to my close friend who I think will benefit from this as much as I did.
Here's to reading more about sex (and women's health) and having more pleasurable sex in 2022!!
I don't know by what circumstances I have come across this book, maybe this title came to me in a dream, maybe the forces that control this universe delivered it through necessary intervention (and with the use of my credit card) or perhaps deep down I knew that this was a book I particularly needed to read.
The first thing that is stated in this book and reiterated throughout is that you are normal. Our world, including the media and those around us personally, have constantly spoken their opinion on what is the "normal" way of being, acting, looking, feeling, sexual performing etc when in reality the way you are, the feelings that you have, the body that you have and the sexual experiences you have had are all normal. That was such a simple but profound message in this book that I needed to hear and really set up the foundation for a satisfactory reading experience.
Maybe you are still unconvinced thinking to yourself this sounds like a whole bunch of fluff, why would marta recommend me a book that just seems to tell me something I know, well first of all I'm glad you know it and second of all that was just the first chapter hunny, we got loads to unload.
The second chapter focuses on the dual control model: everyone (YES EVERYONE) is equipped with accelerators and inhibitors. For some their accelerator (the turn-ons) are very sensitive and they can rush off and have sex at any convenience. For others, their inhibitor (the turn-offs) are very sensitive and they hit the breaks. The inhibitors are influenced by multitude of things such as personal body image, stresses in every day life, the simple fact that their feet our cold, etc - it varies so much that you can quickly see how these external influences come into play when you want to get into play ;) and make it very hard to be present and get full pleasure during sex.
WOW!!! Can we just take a deep breath here because two things:
1. EVERYONE - that means men included have these accelerators and inhibitors and this is HUGE especially given the common perception that men are always ready to go and bone while it takes a little longer for a women to be in the mood.
2. There are various combinations of what people can have. Maybe they have very sensitive accelerators and laid-back brakes or the opposite or maybe they fall right in the middle of both. The important thing to note here is that everyone has these inhibitors that make it harder to enjoy sex and ITS COMPLETELY NORMAL
Phew. I don't know about you but I felt absolutely validated after learning this which I feel is never taught in sex ed (at least we know how to put a condom on a banana). We've got a pretty solid foundation set up for us and what unfolds is ways to how to address the inhibitors, create the right context for sex, the difference between learning/liking/wanting, why you should be non-judgmental, non-concordance, desire vs pleasure, ways to orgasm (and why it's okay if you don't) and many more all within 300+ pages of this book. Can you believe it? Because I am still in disbelief by how much I have learned.
I hope I have done some decent job of convincing you to give this book a try and if I didn't then hopefully you at least learned something from my review. I genuinely love the topic of women's health and learning as much as I can about my body. I'm so excited to continue on this journey, so much so that I have started a dedicated shelf to women's health (that is also featured on my page) where I will be adding the books that I read and learn from. If you have any recommendations (books or podcasts), I would highly appreciate those in the comments.
I started this book with a scientific mindset and ended up learning so much more about myself instead. As soon as this review is published, this book will be nicely gift wrapped and passed along to my close friend who I think will benefit from this as much as I did.
Here's to reading more about sex (and women's health) and having more pleasurable sex in 2022!!
December 16, 2022
Wow, uh, so, this book made me cry a lot! The thing that I didn’t totally understand going in (or perhaps understood intellectually but not emotionally) is that in order to improve both the quality of the sex you’re having (either with yourself or with others) and your relationship with your own sexuality, you’re gonna have to both have a comprehensive remedial sex ed class AND the most intense therapy session of your life, combined, and that’s what this book is. But Nagoski approaches that challenge with remarkable tenderness, compassion, and candor.
I’ll point out that the book is, by its own admission, based on research about and primarily targeted at cis women—a fact that Nagoski is transparent about. This is a research-based book, and there just isn’t a lot of research on the sex lives of trans people (yet). But the message undergirding the entire book—that we’re ALL (literally ALL of us, of ALL genders) made of the same parts, organized in different ways—is so thoughtfully and comprehensively made that I was able to see myself in here anyway.
I’ll point out that the book is, by its own admission, based on research about and primarily targeted at cis women—a fact that Nagoski is transparent about. This is a research-based book, and there just isn’t a lot of research on the sex lives of trans people (yet). But the message undergirding the entire book—that we’re ALL (literally ALL of us, of ALL genders) made of the same parts, organized in different ways—is so thoughtfully and comprehensively made that I was able to see myself in here anyway.
August 5, 2018
Updating review: I wrote this review almost five years ago. I'm cringing at using "lady parts". I still stick to my five star review, it helped me open up a lot sexually. I still recommend it to everyone, whether you identify as man or woman.
Original review:
I picked up this book because I was interested in the science and emotion connecting woman’s sexuality without sounding like a text-book or a Cosmo article. This book doesn’t just talk about your lady parts, it celebrates them, a notion I’m not familiar with. I felt for the first time I got a glimpse of how I am as a woman and how my sexuality is connected to every part of life. I think every woman should read this book- if it will help a fellow reader understand their body better, it’s worth reading. Even if you don’t have sex, are a virgin, hate sex or have an amazing sex life, don’t let the title throw you off. It’s a book to celebrate the female body, and the emotions and sexuality involved.
I’ll admit I didn’t even want to add this book to “currently reading” list on Goodreads because I was embarrassed. There’s nothing embarrassing about being a 30-something year old healthy woman who enjoys sex but I just thought talking about sex was something shameful. If I had this book years ago, I can’t imagine the stress it would have saved me. Regardless if the topic of sex makes you blush or not, please read this book.
Original review:
I picked up this book because I was interested in the science and emotion connecting woman’s sexuality without sounding like a text-book or a Cosmo article. This book doesn’t just talk about your lady parts, it celebrates them, a notion I’m not familiar with. I felt for the first time I got a glimpse of how I am as a woman and how my sexuality is connected to every part of life. I think every woman should read this book- if it will help a fellow reader understand their body better, it’s worth reading. Even if you don’t have sex, are a virgin, hate sex or have an amazing sex life, don’t let the title throw you off. It’s a book to celebrate the female body, and the emotions and sexuality involved.
I’ll admit I didn’t even want to add this book to “currently reading” list on Goodreads because I was embarrassed. There’s nothing embarrassing about being a 30-something year old healthy woman who enjoys sex but I just thought talking about sex was something shameful. If I had this book years ago, I can’t imagine the stress it would have saved me. Regardless if the topic of sex makes you blush or not, please read this book.
December 2, 2022
Come as you are is, at its core, a sexual self help book. It's raison d'être is to reassure women that their bodies and sexualities are normal and wonderful and to accept themselves the way that they are, and in doing so pave the way to pleasure!
I'm convinced that most people who read this book will come away with more kindness toward their sexual selves and more understanding of both their and their partner's inner workings.
It's a book whose heart is firmly in the right place. There is a wholesome and joyful message at its centre. If you've been feeling dissonance and feel like you've been trying to squish your sexuality to fit society's expectations rather than listening to your own body, with all its wants and needs, I highly recommend you give this book a read.
Outside of sexuality, the sections on dealing with physiological stress are helpful and practical in and of themselves.
Having said that, I really hate being patronised. Nagoski has this annoying habit of warning the reader when the sciency bits are coming up and using phrases like: "for realsie reals" and "dig this". I understand that most people don't want to read a boring text book, but I'm a grown-up and it winds me up.
My other major issue is that although lots of attention is given to spontaneous vs reactive desire, non-concordance, variation in orgasm methods... these points are driven home repetitively, whereas many other aspects of sexuality that may be causing worry are mostly ignored.
For example, Nagoski is clear that YOU'RE ALL NORMAL... all of you... you, you and you... isn't it great? Unless you experience any pain with intercourse. That's not normal. See a doctor. But as a doctor I have seen young women who are absolutely terrified that their vaginismus means they are broken. Pain doesn't necessarily mean you aren't normal. Sex can be painful or uncomfortable if someone is tense or not aroused enough. It doesn't mean it will always be painful and it doesn't mean you are broken. It IS worth seeing a doctor if you're worried and to listen to your body's cues, but higher anxiety can beget even more pain in these circumstances.
Also, I felt that the area of WHAT turns people on was very poorly covered. What about people worrying about their harmless but unusual fetishes?
The Cosmo quiz, meant to determine how sensitive your accelerator and brakes are made me very angry. You simply can't make any judgement on someone's sexuality based on such narrow criteria! People are turned on by a whole range of things and sometimes it takes many years of exploration to discover what they are.
I can just imagine a young girl reading this and thinking "oh, I must not be a very sexual person because I don't get turned on by smells or by seeing my partner doing well at stuff". Nagoski acknowledges that her quiz is not scientific but then proceeds to talk about the results like they mean something. They don't.
So although I endorse the book's core message and would encourage wide readership (it is a book that will do more good than harm), there were for me, some glaring omissions.
That doesn't mean it isn't a very worthwhile read.
In Nagoski's own words: "I wrote it because I am done living in a world where women are lied to about their bodies; where women are objects of sexual desire rather than subjects of sexual pleasure; where sex is used as a weapon against women; and where women believe their bodies are broken, simply because those bodies are not male. And I am done living in a world where women are trained from birth to treat their bodies as the enemy."
Absolutely.
This book is, on the whole, a sex positive celebration of female sexuality - and that can only be a good thing.
I'm convinced that most people who read this book will come away with more kindness toward their sexual selves and more understanding of both their and their partner's inner workings.
It's a book whose heart is firmly in the right place. There is a wholesome and joyful message at its centre. If you've been feeling dissonance and feel like you've been trying to squish your sexuality to fit society's expectations rather than listening to your own body, with all its wants and needs, I highly recommend you give this book a read.
Outside of sexuality, the sections on dealing with physiological stress are helpful and practical in and of themselves.
Having said that, I really hate being patronised. Nagoski has this annoying habit of warning the reader when the sciency bits are coming up and using phrases like: "for realsie reals" and "dig this". I understand that most people don't want to read a boring text book, but I'm a grown-up and it winds me up.
My other major issue is that although lots of attention is given to spontaneous vs reactive desire, non-concordance, variation in orgasm methods... these points are driven home repetitively, whereas many other aspects of sexuality that may be causing worry are mostly ignored.
For example, Nagoski is clear that YOU'RE ALL NORMAL... all of you... you, you and you... isn't it great? Unless you experience any pain with intercourse. That's not normal. See a doctor. But as a doctor I have seen young women who are absolutely terrified that their vaginismus means they are broken. Pain doesn't necessarily mean you aren't normal. Sex can be painful or uncomfortable if someone is tense or not aroused enough. It doesn't mean it will always be painful and it doesn't mean you are broken. It IS worth seeing a doctor if you're worried and to listen to your body's cues, but higher anxiety can beget even more pain in these circumstances.
Also, I felt that the area of WHAT turns people on was very poorly covered. What about people worrying about their harmless but unusual fetishes?
The Cosmo quiz, meant to determine how sensitive your accelerator and brakes are made me very angry. You simply can't make any judgement on someone's sexuality based on such narrow criteria! People are turned on by a whole range of things and sometimes it takes many years of exploration to discover what they are.
I can just imagine a young girl reading this and thinking "oh, I must not be a very sexual person because I don't get turned on by smells or by seeing my partner doing well at stuff". Nagoski acknowledges that her quiz is not scientific but then proceeds to talk about the results like they mean something. They don't.
So although I endorse the book's core message and would encourage wide readership (it is a book that will do more good than harm), there were for me, some glaring omissions.
That doesn't mean it isn't a very worthwhile read.
In Nagoski's own words: "I wrote it because I am done living in a world where women are lied to about their bodies; where women are objects of sexual desire rather than subjects of sexual pleasure; where sex is used as a weapon against women; and where women believe their bodies are broken, simply because those bodies are not male. And I am done living in a world where women are trained from birth to treat their bodies as the enemy."
Absolutely.
This book is, on the whole, a sex positive celebration of female sexuality - and that can only be a good thing.
April 16, 2015
This book is so fantastic. I want to hand it out on the street. I want to buy a copy for every bridal shower I ever go to (for the bride AND groom). I want to buy two copies to save and give to my daughters one day. It's just great.
Emily Nagoski. Can we be friends please? She's such a wise, understanding, encouraging, inspiring scientist!
Her main ideas are that women's sexuality is not men's-sexuality-lite, that women approach sex (attraction, desire, arousal) differently and that's normal, and also that women often approach things differently from other women - and that's normal! It's all about accepting yourself where you are and recognizing the ways that culture & media have told us lies about our bodies and sexuality. It's about being a whole person who is forgiving and patient and kind to herself in all areas of life - including sexuality.
I keep writing and then deleting this review so I'm just going to end it here w a quote.
"When people ask me "Am I normal?" They're asking, "Do I belong?" The answer is yes. You belong in your body. You belong in the world. You've belonged since the day you were born, this is your home. You don't have to earn by conforming to some externally imposed standard. ...You are normal. Beautiful. And as long as you're not experiencing pain, you're healthy. So when you notice yourself feeling dissatisfied with your sexuality, when you notice shame or frustration or grief, allow yourself to direct those feelings away from yourself and instead focus those emotions toward the culture that told you the wrong story."
Emily Nagoski. Can we be friends please? She's such a wise, understanding, encouraging, inspiring scientist!
Her main ideas are that women's sexuality is not men's-sexuality-lite, that women approach sex (attraction, desire, arousal) differently and that's normal, and also that women often approach things differently from other women - and that's normal! It's all about accepting yourself where you are and recognizing the ways that culture & media have told us lies about our bodies and sexuality. It's about being a whole person who is forgiving and patient and kind to herself in all areas of life - including sexuality.
I keep writing and then deleting this review so I'm just going to end it here w a quote.
"When people ask me "Am I normal?" They're asking, "Do I belong?" The answer is yes. You belong in your body. You belong in the world. You've belonged since the day you were born, this is your home. You don't have to earn by conforming to some externally imposed standard. ...You are normal. Beautiful. And as long as you're not experiencing pain, you're healthy. So when you notice yourself feeling dissatisfied with your sexuality, when you notice shame or frustration or grief, allow yourself to direct those feelings away from yourself and instead focus those emotions toward the culture that told you the wrong story."
March 24, 2015
Everyone with a vagina or interested in interacting with a vagina needs to read this book!
April 17, 2023
What an incredible, incredible book. Everyone should have this book to be honest.
First of all, what I love about this book is that it doesn’t discriminate against anyone. Emily makes sure that no woman feels “weird”, or “too much”. We are all “normal” in our desires and feelings about sex. She explains the reasoning behind how some women may have little interest in sex, while others may want it more.
She also tells us how to explain to men about our anatomy, and how we are different in our hardwiring towards sex.
I learned SO much from this book. I’m only sad I didn’t know this information sooner. Sadly, we learn too much from the media, and sometimes from what men tell us, which is 99% inaccurate. It’s ironic how they think they can sometimes tell us what our bodies should do.. anyways..
Ladies, read this damn book.
First of all, what I love about this book is that it doesn’t discriminate against anyone. Emily makes sure that no woman feels “weird”, or “too much”. We are all “normal” in our desires and feelings about sex. She explains the reasoning behind how some women may have little interest in sex, while others may want it more.
She also tells us how to explain to men about our anatomy, and how we are different in our hardwiring towards sex.
I learned SO much from this book. I’m only sad I didn’t know this information sooner. Sadly, we learn too much from the media, and sometimes from what men tell us, which is 99% inaccurate. It’s ironic how they think they can sometimes tell us what our bodies should do.. anyways..
Ladies, read this damn book.
November 22, 2017
I found her tone patronising + her research highly selective.
Also for all the claims of inclusivity, 90% of the book was aimed at/featured hetero couples with only one lesbian couple who were also living as a traditional-style nuclear family.
Asexuals + aromantics are never discussed or featured as case studies. Neither are bisexuals or those in poly relationships. Most of the advice assumes the reader is half of a couple.
Speaking personally as an asexual, I would never normally read a book that's purely about sex, but I'd heard good things about how positive the authoress was about those with a sexuality considered 'broken'. I was hoping for answers why I, + other folks like me don't function the way society tell us we should. I was disappointed.
**Addendum**
I would just like to forewarn Vegan/Animal Welfare centred potential readers of the book of graphic decriptions of animal experimentation which they may find upsetting.
Also authoress is a zelous believer in the blank slate theory, in this case that our sexuality is entirely created by social enviroment. So if you believe you were 'born this way' with your particular sexual orientation it may grind your gears a bit.
Also for all the claims of inclusivity, 90% of the book was aimed at/featured hetero couples with only one lesbian couple who were also living as a traditional-style nuclear family.
Asexuals + aromantics are never discussed or featured as case studies. Neither are bisexuals or those in poly relationships. Most of the advice assumes the reader is half of a couple.
Speaking personally as an asexual, I would never normally read a book that's purely about sex, but I'd heard good things about how positive the authoress was about those with a sexuality considered 'broken'. I was hoping for answers why I, + other folks like me don't function the way society tell us we should. I was disappointed.
**Addendum**
I would just like to forewarn Vegan/Animal Welfare centred potential readers of the book of graphic decriptions of animal experimentation which they may find upsetting.
Also authoress is a zelous believer in the blank slate theory, in this case that our sexuality is entirely created by social enviroment. So if you believe you were 'born this way' with your particular sexual orientation it may grind your gears a bit.
December 17, 2015
This book was awesome for some reasons and a bit cringe-worthy for others. I'll start out with the good: This book is full of things that any person even remotely interested in sex should know. The author references specific studies, which lend credibility to her concepts. The book is empowering to women, assuring them that it is the sex culture that is the problem, not the way that women experience pleasure and desire - the map is wrong, not the terrain. This is a valuable message for people on the entire sexual spectrum. Unfortunately, while the tone of the writing was meant to be friendly and casual (and sometimes it is), other times it comes off as too cheeky for my taste. The book was also repetitive. I think that was on purpose, so that someone could read any given chapter and understand what came before it and what will come next, which is great if you want to share a specific concept with someone else. If you're going to read the book straight through, though, it gets a little irritating. Then, the book was written exclusively for women, despite the fact that men need to hear this too. I think some small tweaks would have made this empowering for women (and it's important that the focus is on women) but accessible to men as well.
April 1, 2015
This is a book that everyone would read!
While it is framed as a book for women, there are so few times when it is women specific that I really wish it was just framed as a book for people.
The most important topics covered in this book are:
How the media misinforms people as to what is normal for people's sex life (hint: everything is normal).
Nonconcordence - where peoples bodies and desires act in opposite ways, and why this can happen.
Responsive desire- Where rather than becoming aroused seemingly out of the blue (known as spontaneous desire) about half of all people (and most women) only become aroused when they are given something sexy to react to.
The sexual brake system we have, where one part of our brain may go 'this is sexy, time to do the sexy thing' another part goes 'but what about the kids, people might see us, i have so much to do...'. Someone with strong brakes may need more work to turn them off and feel ready for sexy times than someone with weaker brakes.
Sex is not a drive!
While it is framed as a book for women, there are so few times when it is women specific that I really wish it was just framed as a book for people.
The most important topics covered in this book are:
How the media misinforms people as to what is normal for people's sex life (hint: everything is normal).
Nonconcordence - where peoples bodies and desires act in opposite ways, and why this can happen.
Responsive desire- Where rather than becoming aroused seemingly out of the blue (known as spontaneous desire) about half of all people (and most women) only become aroused when they are given something sexy to react to.
The sexual brake system we have, where one part of our brain may go 'this is sexy, time to do the sexy thing' another part goes 'but what about the kids, people might see us, i have so much to do...'. Someone with strong brakes may need more work to turn them off and feel ready for sexy times than someone with weaker brakes.
Sex is not a drive!
March 15, 2016
I just want to buy this book for every woman I know. No, every PERSON I know. Nagoski gives the explanation of female sexuality that I think most of us didn't get in health class or anywhere else really.
The subtitle is click-bait-y. I do think this book has the power to improve the sex lives of those who read it, but not because it's some kind of kinky how-to book. It can do this because it's a great explanation of how women's bodies work and how history and culture have done us a great disservice through the myths they disseminate. Important for women and the people who love them.
Read it. Do it. You won't be sorry.
The subtitle is click-bait-y. I do think this book has the power to improve the sex lives of those who read it, but not because it's some kind of kinky how-to book. It can do this because it's a great explanation of how women's bodies work and how history and culture have done us a great disservice through the myths they disseminate. Important for women and the people who love them.
Read it. Do it. You won't be sorry.
May 4, 2019
5/5 stars
A wonderful introduction to human sexuality - female specifically - and what it means to be human. Also a great introduction to sexual ethics, anatomy and feminist philosophy.
A wonderful introduction to human sexuality - female specifically - and what it means to be human. Also a great introduction to sexual ethics, anatomy and feminist philosophy.
September 26, 2017
This did more for my mental health than my sexual health, tbh. But then again a big narrative of this book is that where you are mentally affects where you are sexually, which makes sense.
The book has 9 chapters and at the end of each chapter it has a TL;DR section, so I'm going to do that for this review. Here are MY main takeaways:
1. Everyone is born with a garden to tend (that's our sexuality). What's planted in that garden isn't up to us, it's up to our parents and other outside influences. How we tend that garden is influenced by social construct. Some of us were planted with flowers and taught to love and care for our garden (positive outlook on sexuality) while other gardens were planted with weeds and left to rot (negative outlook). It is never too late though to change how you tend your garden (your outlook on sexuality)
2. While we can be really good at dealing with stressors, we're actually not that good at dealing with the actual stress. "Keeping calm" is all well and good but our bodies were built to process stress fully and so we need to do that, either with physical activity, screaming, or some other sort of release.
3. Speaking of gardens, just because I have an aloe garden that only needs a little bit of sunlight, that doesn't make it any better or worse than your tomato garden that needs lots of sunlight. It just makes it different. It also doesn't mean that you should also have an aloe garden instead of a tomato garden, or that I should also have a tomato garden instead of my aloe garden.
4. Women have been taught that we are "broken" because our libidos and our arousal differs than men, because men are the default preferred sexual functioning, when really we're just women.
5. It's not how you feel, it's how you feel ABOUT how you feel. We've been taught that negative emotions are not ok and so we feel bad when we DO have them. Which then just makes us feel worse. It's a dangerous cycle. So just recognize that you're having a negative emotion, process it completely, and then move on.
6. Our Western Puritan views on sex and sexuality have really fucked women over, but it's not too late to change.
I think this is one of those where, even if you have a great sex life, you could still gain something from this book.
The book has 9 chapters and at the end of each chapter it has a TL;DR section, so I'm going to do that for this review. Here are MY main takeaways:
1. Everyone is born with a garden to tend (that's our sexuality). What's planted in that garden isn't up to us, it's up to our parents and other outside influences. How we tend that garden is influenced by social construct. Some of us were planted with flowers and taught to love and care for our garden (positive outlook on sexuality) while other gardens were planted with weeds and left to rot (negative outlook). It is never too late though to change how you tend your garden (your outlook on sexuality)
2. While we can be really good at dealing with stressors, we're actually not that good at dealing with the actual stress. "Keeping calm" is all well and good but our bodies were built to process stress fully and so we need to do that, either with physical activity, screaming, or some other sort of release.
3. Speaking of gardens, just because I have an aloe garden that only needs a little bit of sunlight, that doesn't make it any better or worse than your tomato garden that needs lots of sunlight. It just makes it different. It also doesn't mean that you should also have an aloe garden instead of a tomato garden, or that I should also have a tomato garden instead of my aloe garden.
4. Women have been taught that we are "broken" because our libidos and our arousal differs than men, because men are the default preferred sexual functioning, when really we're just women.
5. It's not how you feel, it's how you feel ABOUT how you feel. We've been taught that negative emotions are not ok and so we feel bad when we DO have them. Which then just makes us feel worse. It's a dangerous cycle. So just recognize that you're having a negative emotion, process it completely, and then move on.
6. Our Western Puritan views on sex and sexuality have really fucked women over, but it's not too late to change.
I think this is one of those where, even if you have a great sex life, you could still gain something from this book.
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