What do you think?
Rate this book
This Is Not A Pity Memoir
What happens when your partner of twenty years suddenly believes you’re nothing but a stranger? What do you do when your history together is gone? How do you prove you’re not an imposter in your own life? When the partner of Emmy Award–winning screenwriter Abi Morgan abruptly collapsed from a mysterious illness, doctors were concerned that he would not survive. Then, six months later, Jacob woke from his coma, to the delight and relief of his family and friends—except this proved to be anything but a Hollywood ending. Because to Jacob, the woman standing at his bedside, who had cared for him all these months, was not his partner. Not his children’s mother. Not the woman he loved. Sure, she looked like his Abi, but this was an imposter, living someone else’s life. Finding herself dropped into a real-life night-mare seemingly ripped from the pages of a thriller, Abi must find a way to hang on to not only their past but also their future together, before it slips away from them both. With grace, an irresistible sense of humor and refreshingly raw honesty, This Is Not a Pity Memoir grapples with a journey through fear and redemption few should have to face. What do you do when you are losing your love? You don’t write a pity memoir. You write a love story.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published June 7, 2022
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 463 reviews
June 11, 2022
Review All other reviews of this book, at the time of writing, were of freebies. Mine wasn't. With an average of 4.4 over 43 reviews and 197 ratings, I fell for their hype. I did exactly what the publisher wanted me to do, believe that there are almost 200 people who have read the book and almost every single person has raved about its brilliance. Give me your $$. It may not be the bottom line is so important for an author, but it certainly is for the publisher.
The book was hyped as being about what it was like for the author to have her partner come out of a 6 month coma and treat her as a stranger. This is Capgras syndrome where someone believes that their partner or friend etc has been replaced by a double. But this is not mentioned in any blurb or review I read, but it is once in the book. It is rare, I did know about it and thought it must be distressing to be declared the 'imposter'. I didn't know in advance, that it was going to be a Capgras issue.
The idiosyncratic writing had no flow and was like stream-of-consciousness, but being careful planned and edited, it didn't have the immediacy of that kind of writing. I kept on going despite the writing frustrating and even annoying me, just to get to how she dealt with her partner's thinking she was not herself but a duplicate. But when I eventually got there, through his illness, his hospitalisation, her own health issues, and everything else, there was hardly anything about it. It wasn't the main focus at all. Damp squib.
The author was concerned about building a life for the future together, with a man who would forever need carers, be physically-challenged and never be able to be intimate again. I do admire her for these efforts of building a life without passion, without even possibly sharing a bed again. Carer, parent and friend, but not lover - not an easy choice for a future. I understand 'for better for worse' but they weren't, in fact, married.
If the book had been subtitled, 'Our lives as extremely successful showbiz types with houses in London and Italy were wrecked by an unknown neurological disease, extended coma and then cancer and how I dealt with all that and still managed to write Hollywood scripts', I would have understood that I was not the right reader. I rarely read autobiographies or memoirs unless the memoir is about an exciting adventure.
I was reading some of the book aloud to my son last night and he said,'She does go on, doesn't she?' and, about the constant repetition, sometimes the same phrase in three short lines in a row, 'is this all about filling space?' I don't think it was, I think the author, apparently a much-lauded writer though I've never heard of her (nor him, the famous actor) thinks she has a really unique way of writing, that reflects her feelings at the time of the events. In the early chapters, it does (but it isn't easy reading). I also wonder if she did it to bring rhythm to the physical text - paragraphs broken up by half a dozen three-word lines in a row which does look different. (There are several examples in 'reading notes' below). But really who knows?
I'm not the only reviewer who found the writing difficult to read though, and for anyone who can get through it without exasperation, much respect to you. Also, as I said, I was not the right reader for this book, but the blurb, hype and the freebie reviews led me to believe I was. You might be. I might be the outlier here.
__________
Reading notes I am beginning to hate this book. Chapter 4 and we are back to two-three word sentences, like lists. Endless pages of them. It isn't going anywhere. He's in a coma, she relates her life, she relates their backstory of him, successful actor, her, prize-winning screenwriter.It's boring, boring, boring. And the author knows this
Who am I to criticise the writing of a famous and award-winning writer>I'm just a reader but my own experience of the writing is it is almost unreadable. It's absolutely self-indulgent but it absolutely suits what the author wants to convey, her state of mind I think and for two long, endless chapters. Fractured sentences of one-three words and a great deal of repetition. An example:5 4 star book. It didn't. It might for you.
The book was hyped as being about what it was like for the author to have her partner come out of a 6 month coma and treat her as a stranger. This is Capgras syndrome where someone believes that their partner or friend etc has been replaced by a double. But this is not mentioned in any blurb or review I read, but it is once in the book. It is rare, I did know about it and thought it must be distressing to be declared the 'imposter'. I didn't know in advance, that it was going to be a Capgras issue.
The idiosyncratic writing had no flow and was like stream-of-consciousness, but being careful planned and edited, it didn't have the immediacy of that kind of writing. I kept on going despite the writing frustrating and even annoying me, just to get to how she dealt with her partner's thinking she was not herself but a duplicate. But when I eventually got there, through his illness, his hospitalisation, her own health issues, and everything else, there was hardly anything about it. It wasn't the main focus at all. Damp squib.
The author was concerned about building a life for the future together, with a man who would forever need carers, be physically-challenged and never be able to be intimate again. I do admire her for these efforts of building a life without passion, without even possibly sharing a bed again. Carer, parent and friend, but not lover - not an easy choice for a future. I understand 'for better for worse' but they weren't, in fact, married.
If the book had been subtitled, 'Our lives as extremely successful showbiz types with houses in London and Italy were wrecked by an unknown neurological disease, extended coma and then cancer and how I dealt with all that and still managed to write Hollywood scripts', I would have understood that I was not the right reader. I rarely read autobiographies or memoirs unless the memoir is about an exciting adventure.
I was reading some of the book aloud to my son last night and he said,'She does go on, doesn't she?' and, about the constant repetition, sometimes the same phrase in three short lines in a row, 'is this all about filling space?' I don't think it was, I think the author, apparently a much-lauded writer though I've never heard of her (nor him, the famous actor) thinks she has a really unique way of writing, that reflects her feelings at the time of the events. In the early chapters, it does (but it isn't easy reading). I also wonder if she did it to bring rhythm to the physical text - paragraphs broken up by half a dozen three-word lines in a row which does look different. (There are several examples in 'reading notes' below). But really who knows?
I'm not the only reviewer who found the writing difficult to read though, and for anyone who can get through it without exasperation, much respect to you. Also, as I said, I was not the right reader for this book, but the blurb, hype and the freebie reviews led me to believe I was. You might be. I might be the outlier here.
__________
Reading notes I am beginning to hate this book. Chapter 4 and we are back to two-three word sentences, like lists. Endless pages of them. It isn't going anywhere. He's in a coma, she relates her life, she relates their backstory of him, successful actor, her, prize-winning screenwriter.It's boring, boring, boring. And the author knows this
That you, like us, must be tiring of this.__________
That this bit will never make the script.
The movie of this.
It will be a couple of scenes at best.
Possibly cut with a montage to include the walk on Primrose Hill with my mum and Mabel and ice-skating at Somerset House in those last days of December.
And maybe with me circling the heath, mist low, dog in tow, looking mournfully at Hampstead Ponds, icy and freezing.
And, of course, me picking up the jar of honey, tearfully smiling at the box of eggs.
But it happened.
It really happened. And what no one tells you about proper unfolding tragedy is that it is scary, and adrenalizing.
But mainly it is boring.
The waiting is boring.
But I don’t know how to get to the next bit until we’re past this.
Who am I to criticise the writing of a famous and award-winning writer>I'm just a reader but my own experience of the writing is it is almost unreadable. It's absolutely self-indulgent but it absolutely suits what the author wants to convey, her state of mind I think and for two long, endless chapters. Fractured sentences of one-three words and a great deal of repetition. An example:
"What do you do?" Shakespearean beard is sitting opposite me.If I hadn't read in a review that the reviewer had also not heard of the author and also disliked the writing I mightn't have perservered. Still, the third chapter is written in proper long sentences conveying information rather than the author's state of mind. It's an interesting topic, a partner come back from a coma and not recognising their wife, so I despite the first two exasperating chapters I haven't given up. It might yet turn into a
Say it.
Say it.
I can say it.
I get paid now.
Almost paid now.
I can say it.
I am almost earning money. A decade of waitressing almost behind me.
"I'm a writer."
April 15, 2023
This is not a pity review—
I can't write a review of this book because it annoyed me for not being the book I thought it would be. Hence, I do not know if I enjoyed it or have any right to say I didn't. Another reason I'm unsure is that at no point did I warm to any character, nor did I feel pity. I floated on a wave of liberated words coaxing me to turn the page, reach the next chapter, follow the narrative to the conclusion—the ending I foresaw didn't happen. The writer tells me this part is boring, repeatedly. I wonder, why not cut it out, or better, condense the action, or lack thereof! In sections, the writer talks in the present, as if to my face. I'm listening, but I can't reply. Frustration sets in. I'm navigating people's lives through binoculars. It's a movie, you keep saying. But, I keep thinking, I'm not sure of that; it's too personal, too exposed. What I want to happen doesn't. It wasn't the book I expected. I wanted to cry at the end because that's what you do in the cinema, but I didn't.
I can't write a review of this book because it annoyed me for not being the book I thought it would be. Hence, I do not know if I enjoyed it or have any right to say I didn't. Another reason I'm unsure is that at no point did I warm to any character, nor did I feel pity. I floated on a wave of liberated words coaxing me to turn the page, reach the next chapter, follow the narrative to the conclusion—the ending I foresaw didn't happen. The writer tells me this part is boring, repeatedly. I wonder, why not cut it out, or better, condense the action, or lack thereof! In sections, the writer talks in the present, as if to my face. I'm listening, but I can't reply. Frustration sets in. I'm navigating people's lives through binoculars. It's a movie, you keep saying. But, I keep thinking, I'm not sure of that; it's too personal, too exposed. What I want to happen doesn't. It wasn't the book I expected. I wanted to cry at the end because that's what you do in the cinema, but I didn't.
July 8, 2022
There's no denying that Morgan went through a lot. Her partner of 20 years (and father of her two children), Jacob, has MS. He took an experimental drug and developed anti-NMDA receptor encephalitis that left him in a coma. When he woke up, he didn't recognize her and declared her an imposter (Capgras syndrome). In the meantime, she'd been diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent treatment.
All this, plus Covid-marred years of recovery for both of them, has happened since 2018. I read A Lot of illness and bereavement memoirs, and I'm always a bit wary of the ones where the author has only let a few years pass before processing all the material, whereas Mary Karr prescribes seven. It can mean that you don't get the desired depth of reflection. This is casual and witty; a really easy read. However, it also reads as if it was written quickly, off the cuff. The paragraph structure and punctuation are nonstandard, like she's going for a stream of consciousness, or something halfway between a screenplay (she's an Emmy-winning screenwriter, after all) and narrative prose. The hybrid approach only annoyed me in the end.
Her editors let her off easy, too: there are dangling modifiers; she changes tense willy-nilly, sometimes even mid-sentence, and moves from third person to second person address to Jacob; and there are some embarrassingly bad typos, like "humus" for "hummus" and "tinkles on the ivories" instead of "tickles the ivories" (and both of those come on the same page!).
A remarkable story, certainly, and one worth reading about (if only through a couple of long magazine articles), but not a stand-out memoir for me.
A favourite passage:
"'Everything is material, right...'
But this, this is a little too close for comfort."
All this, plus Covid-marred years of recovery for both of them, has happened since 2018. I read A Lot of illness and bereavement memoirs, and I'm always a bit wary of the ones where the author has only let a few years pass before processing all the material, whereas Mary Karr prescribes seven. It can mean that you don't get the desired depth of reflection. This is casual and witty; a really easy read. However, it also reads as if it was written quickly, off the cuff. The paragraph structure and punctuation are nonstandard, like she's going for a stream of consciousness, or something halfway between a screenplay (she's an Emmy-winning screenwriter, after all) and narrative prose. The hybrid approach only annoyed me in the end.
Her editors let her off easy, too: there are dangling modifiers; she changes tense willy-nilly, sometimes even mid-sentence, and moves from third person to second person address to Jacob; and there are some embarrassingly bad typos, like "humus" for "hummus" and "tinkles on the ivories" instead of "tickles the ivories" (and both of those come on the same page!).
A remarkable story, certainly, and one worth reading about (if only through a couple of long magazine articles), but not a stand-out memoir for me.
A favourite passage:
"'Everything is material, right...'
But this, this is a little too close for comfort."
July 11, 2022
Rating: 5
“what happens when the person you love most no longer recognizes you”
Let’s first talk about this cover. I don’t hate it but I’m not the biggest fan of it. The shade of pink used is not my favorite and the writing is a little hard to read. While scrolling through books I would have scrolled past this one. Luckily it was sent to me in the mail by the publisher and I decided to give it a try. I’m glad I did because wow was this book so emotional! This shows that even though we do judge books by their cover we should still give those books a chance!
This is one of those memoirs that everyone needs to read. The author was so honest and I can’t even imagine going through what she did. This book had me tearing up so much and at the end I finally cried. Gosh this book broke me. I don’t really have anything to say other than read it if you enjoy memoirs or if you want something emotional. I always struggle with reviewing/rating memoirs because it's important to remember these are true stories. These authors are sharing their lives with us and who am I to say it was boring/uninteresting just because I didn’t connect with it?
Thank you so much @marinerbooks for sending me a #gifted copy in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
“what happens when the person you love most no longer recognizes you”
Let’s first talk about this cover. I don’t hate it but I’m not the biggest fan of it. The shade of pink used is not my favorite and the writing is a little hard to read. While scrolling through books I would have scrolled past this one. Luckily it was sent to me in the mail by the publisher and I decided to give it a try. I’m glad I did because wow was this book so emotional! This shows that even though we do judge books by their cover we should still give those books a chance!
This is one of those memoirs that everyone needs to read. The author was so honest and I can’t even imagine going through what she did. This book had me tearing up so much and at the end I finally cried. Gosh this book broke me. I don’t really have anything to say other than read it if you enjoy memoirs or if you want something emotional. I always struggle with reviewing/rating memoirs because it's important to remember these are true stories. These authors are sharing their lives with us and who am I to say it was boring/uninteresting just because I didn’t connect with it?
Thank you so much @marinerbooks for sending me a #gifted copy in exchange for an honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
Shelved as 'dnf'
June 14, 202245% and I’m dnfing. This stream of consciousness is not for me. It’s just not clicking for me like I feel like it should. The explanation behind what comes to be is not what I expected and feels dramatized.
Thank you Harper Audio for the gifted listening copy.
Thank you Harper Audio for the gifted listening copy.
October 2, 2023
It definitely was a pity memoir
January 15, 2022
Ok, so I didn't actually know who Abi Morgan was when I started this book - I do now! What drew me to this memoir was her husband's MS. Given my personal interest in the topic I requested an eARC of the book.
Imagine getting your husband back from the brink of death, only for him to not know who you are. Morgan's fractured writing style was a challenge for me to get into, but once you realise what's she been through it suddenly makes sense. This style of writing is the reflection of her mind these past few years.
Heart-breakingly honest, this is a difficult book to review. I flew through the pages but I couldn't say I 'enjoyed' it. It was a tough read for me, but nothing compared to what this family as been through over the past few years. I'm glad I read it and I won't be forgetting this book for a while.
Imagine getting your husband back from the brink of death, only for him to not know who you are. Morgan's fractured writing style was a challenge for me to get into, but once you realise what's she been through it suddenly makes sense. This style of writing is the reflection of her mind these past few years.
Heart-breakingly honest, this is a difficult book to review. I flew through the pages but I couldn't say I 'enjoyed' it. It was a tough read for me, but nothing compared to what this family as been through over the past few years. I'm glad I read it and I won't be forgetting this book for a while.
September 3, 2022
All the stars for Abi Morgan's This Is Not A Pity Memoir! Gripping, funny and honest. Morgan has offered an unflinching look at what navigating a family's most challenging times can look like. With blunt candor she brings us along on her journey. It is ultimately a love story. One I'm better for having read.
May 25, 2022
This is a really hard book to review and rate. It is devastatingly, gruellingly traumatic and sad, all the more so because Abi Morgan is writing about her real life. This all actually happened to her. So it's hard to say it's enjoyable, or to tell someone to read it, because you feel like you're throwing them at a difficult, potentially triggering experience.
Maybe it's enough to say it's searingly honest, and gripping in the way a thriller can be gripping - you're horrified and yet you want to know how things turn out. I felt it could have been tightened up in places, only as it felt like there was some repetition towards the end, but by that point in the story I was thinking she could just write whatever she wanted right now, because of everything that's been going on!
This was both a difficult book (theme) and an easy book (style). I felt pretty wrung out by the end of it, and I really, really hope that Jacob continues to improve and that Abi will remain cancer-free.
Maybe it's enough to say it's searingly honest, and gripping in the way a thriller can be gripping - you're horrified and yet you want to know how things turn out. I felt it could have been tightened up in places, only as it felt like there was some repetition towards the end, but by that point in the story I was thinking she could just write whatever she wanted right now, because of everything that's been going on!
This was both a difficult book (theme) and an easy book (style). I felt pretty wrung out by the end of it, and I really, really hope that Jacob continues to improve and that Abi will remain cancer-free.
May 17, 2022
I absolutely devoured this book, I couldn’t put it down. Heartbreaking, raw and so very moving. It was extremely clear that so much was put into this memoir, so much love, anger and hope.
I don’t often read memoirs but this is definitely one I recommend. So inspiring and I have so much respect for the author for writing about something so personal.
Incredibly powerful read 👏🏻
I don’t often read memoirs but this is definitely one I recommend. So inspiring and I have so much respect for the author for writing about something so personal.
Incredibly powerful read 👏🏻
August 15, 2022
The writing style was not my cup of tea. Too disjointed.
February 27, 2023
devastating but beautiful
Wow. Lots of tears finishing this one. Such a beautiful account of a devastating, honestly shared situation for a family.
Wow. Lots of tears finishing this one. Such a beautiful account of a devastating, honestly shared situation for a family.
April 20, 2023
Never has a biography moved me as much as this. Morgan writes with unfaltering honesty whose words pierced my heart and will change my way of thinking. She is candid, funny and profound. Can she be my friend?
September 4, 2023
An incredible and heartbreaking story - beautifully written and definitely worth a read.
December 17, 2022
How do you deal with grief of losing someone who is very much not dead? Not in the “we split up” way, but in “I don’t remember you being the person I was in love with” way.
I am not sure how to describe how I feel about this book because I had a hard time finishing it due to how it is written—the dangling modifiers and whatnot feels somehow disturbing. Honestly, reading this book feels like peering into someone’s darkest and intrusive thoughts. Every paragraph feels heated with hatred towards the situation the author was in, with no way out but forward. It feels too real and it hurts too much to try putting myself in the author’s shoes. Do I recommend this memoir? Yes, but only if you can bear with how it is written.
I am not sure how to describe how I feel about this book because I had a hard time finishing it due to how it is written—the dangling modifiers and whatnot feels somehow disturbing. Honestly, reading this book feels like peering into someone’s darkest and intrusive thoughts. Every paragraph feels heated with hatred towards the situation the author was in, with no way out but forward. It feels too real and it hurts too much to try putting myself in the author’s shoes. Do I recommend this memoir? Yes, but only if you can bear with how it is written.
April 3, 2023
Heart wrenchingly honest memoir of her life, her husband has MS and a drug he takes causes him to be in a coma for months resulting in life changing complications. Beautifully written, funny poignant and intimate it tells of her and the family coping with life, lockdown and breast cancer. I listened to the BBC three abridged version of the novel and still felt all the emotion.
June 16, 2022
Not sure about this memoir. I echo the sentiments of Petra (below) and think it should have been kept as a private documentation rather than being published. They all went through a lot and my heart goes out to them. I'm not sure I could have coped and they say don't criticise someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. I hope things are improving for this family.
May 14, 2023
A beautifully written heartbreaking story. I loved Abi’s writing style & the way she switches tenses. Overall it feels like a love story to her partner recounting the tragedy they went through. I listened to it via audiobook & it was beautifully narrated. Also the ending 🥹
May 13, 2023
If I could give it more stars I would ❤️
August 19, 2022
While the stream of consciousness writing style may be hard for some to follow, I really respected and enjoyed how it was written. So honest, so raw. The reader feels like you are sitting across and listening directly to Abi - getting a no-filter play-by-play of what is happening with her thought process and memories woven in.
July 27, 2022
An exceptional memoir that I highly recommend to anyone grappling through illness, a caregiver for someone you love, or going through medical issues. As a nurse and someone who have gone through caregiving for a loved one, I found this memoir read like satisfying therapy sessions.
August 25, 2022
This is so poorly written it made me angry.
DNF 35%
DNF 35%
May 3, 2023
This in audiobook - *chef's kiss*
Raw, honest, heartbreaking. Just beautiful.
No wonder The Split was so incredible with this lady behind the writing wheel
Raw, honest, heartbreaking. Just beautiful.
No wonder The Split was so incredible with this lady behind the writing wheel
November 13, 2022
The memoir opened on a morning in June 2018. The author was with her partner, Jacob, who was complaining of a headache. She later found him collapsed on the bathroom floor. Over the next few weeks, Jacob cognitively, psychiatrically, and physically unraveled, so he was placed into a medically induced coma for a condition called "brain on fire." Unfortunately, when Jacob woke up, he developed a rare brain disorder called Capgras delusion—the belief that people are imposters. This story is about how the author and her family dealt with the coma and his new condition. It's also about the exploration of her own identity and the identity of her relationship. What happens when your partner of twenty years suddenly believes you're nothing but a stranger? What do you do when your history together is gone?
This book gives us some insight into the journey of living with someone who has had a brain injury.
It also teaches us about being grateful for the things we have and the strength of the human spirit when they are hammered with tragic situations yet still find the heart to pull through. It also gives us an appreciation for all the caretakers out there, the ones who took care of people during Covid, and the families and friends who care for their loved ones selflessly.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://www.momsdonthavetimetoreadboo...
This book gives us some insight into the journey of living with someone who has had a brain injury.
It also teaches us about being grateful for the things we have and the strength of the human spirit when they are hammered with tragic situations yet still find the heart to pull through. It also gives us an appreciation for all the caretakers out there, the ones who took care of people during Covid, and the families and friends who care for their loved ones selflessly.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://www.momsdonthavetimetoreadboo...
September 27, 2022
3.5 stars. UPC. One of the rawest books I've ever read -- not a read for the faint hearted, or those with health anxiety. I don't really feel able to talk much about it, but it's a remarkable feat of writing as much as one of living, and the small bit about ghosts is very poignant. I think it would potentially have impacted me more if I were a few decades older, with a long-term partner.
December 22, 2022
Utterly fantastic. I devoured this book. Undoubtedly, Abi Morgan has been through a lot. Her memoir is candid and intimate, as well as both tear jerkingly raw and trenchantly witty. This is a book everyone must read.
June 3, 2023
Writing style took a bit to get into, but such an incredible story - so heartbreaking with a few teary points
August 29, 2023
Listened to about a chapter and a half (about an hour) but didn’t have it in me to continue. Found it incredibly depressing and pitiful, despite its title, together with the repeated phrases, not for me.
April 6, 2023
This is the author’s take of how her husband who has MS undergoes a traumatic brain damaging experience as a result of the medication he had been on. The book remembers their past and describes the painstakingly step by step process to recovery.
It’s written well but there is a lot of detail and drama in the way it’s drawn out, which I enjoyed at first but then began to find slightly repetitive. It’s also quite a bleak story, I found it quite overwhelming to read and absorb. It’s a heartbreaking memoir, one which didn’t enlighten me at all but actually made me feel quite sad reading it.
It’s written well but there is a lot of detail and drama in the way it’s drawn out, which I enjoyed at first but then began to find slightly repetitive. It’s also quite a bleak story, I found it quite overwhelming to read and absorb. It’s a heartbreaking memoir, one which didn’t enlighten me at all but actually made me feel quite sad reading it.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 463 reviews