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227 pages, Hardcover
First published August 4, 2020
She is, I suppose, sexy in the way a triangle can be sexy, the clean pivot from point A to B to C, her body and face breaking no rules, following each other in a way that is logical and curt. Of course, in motion, when she turns and stoops to open the oven, the geometry is weirder.
When I imagine it, she is indifferent, her vagina defying all etymology, not a pussy or a twat but an abstract violence, like a Rorschach or a xenomorph. For me, I've had little choice. The moment I left Clay's house, my vagina was a cunt.
This was the contradiction that would define me for years, my attempt to secure undiluted solitude and my swift betrayal of this effort once in the spotlight of an interested man. I was pretending not to worry about the consequences of my isolation. But whenever I talked to anyone, I found myself overcompensating for the atrophy of my social muscles.Edie is mostly alone in the world. A 23 year-old black orphan trying to be seen, to be found, while trying to find herself as well. She may not be going about this in the best way possible, sleeping with far too many of her workmates, for example.
…I have not had too much success with men. This is not a statement of self-pity. This is just a statement of the facts. Here’s a fact: I have great breasts, which have warped my spine. More facts: my salary is very low. I have trouble making friends, and men lose interest in me when I talk…Eric is different.In several ways, in fact, not just that he recognizes the clitoris as more than a fictional body part, that he attends to Edie like an actual person and not merely as a sperm receptacle. He shares his personal history with her, and inquires into hers. What else? Oh, he is white, exactly twice her age, and in an open marriage. (Does that mean nicely ventilated or full of holes?)
To sex up the brand, they invited a popular chef, known for his radical liquid nitrogen ice cream, to write a cookbook. Except then his wife went missing and someone found her frozen foot.While the bike onslaught was not part of the scene when I was driving a yellow cab in Manhattan, (before dedicated lanes) Leilani captures the terror and the energy of midtown traffic, from personal experience:
...the bike lanes in Manhattan already terrifying at 11:00 am, filled with delivery boys and girls who jet into traffic with fried rice and no reason to live.It can be a bit of a problem, though, when you look at the world and your own life as if having an out of body experience, hovering at the ceiling, watching the goings on, while not really experiencing the feelings your own body skin and bones are having down there.
That was important to me. Don't get me wrong; I have a real soft spot for books that are just about relationships. I love that. But there's always a different kind of engagement and love I feel for writing that involves the dimension of work. That's actually what we spend most of our lives doing. I wanted to talk about how work and art have a symbiotic, but also adversarial relationship. You need money to live and eat, and then to make art, but the job you have can become the thing making it so that you cannot do any living, because you've spent that bandwidth trying to live. I’ve felt that so deeply in my own life, and in the lives of so many women I know. - from Esquire interviewEdie truly being an artist reflects the author's life, as she intended to be a visual artist, but concluded that she was just not quite good enough to make it in that field, so shifted to other things.
I almost lose a seat to a woman who gets on at Union Square, but luckily her pregnancy slows her down.The rawness of her character is a major feature. The filter is off. She is not pretending to us the readers that she is a paragon, in contrast to how she has to pretend, to adjust, maybe to manipulate in order to survive in the work world.
She wasn’t simply unphotogenic. She was bare in a way that film betrayed so dramatically that she became grotesque.as if maybe the camera was capable of capturing the soul, but in contemporary America, not Samoa. Edie’s painting is an attempt to capture the life in which she finds herself, as well as a life she has left.
I ask my customers to confirm my name, at times to be sure I have the right address, but mostly just to hear the sound.Edie’s loneliness is on display in an uncaring world. Being black and having to deal with police gets a brief look. Nothing unusual here. This is just the way it is. Are we done? Can I get up now? Can I go? Combined with a dose of despair.
…the truth is that when the officer had his arm pressed into my neck, there was a part of me that felt like, all right. Like, fine. Because there will always be a part of me that is ready to die.One thing about this book is that if you are reading it like a normal human, and are not constantly stopping to look up references and taking copious notes, (or battling numerous cats for desk space) it is a pretty fast read. But it merits taking it slowly. There is so much going on in this content-rich short novel, a density likelier to be found in work by more experienced writers. Entertaining, eye-opening, penetrating, observant, and a display of considerable power.
To invite admiration or ridicule, you have to first be seen.This is the most brilliant book I've ever hated.
For a moment, I’m sure I’m going to cry, which is not unusual, because I cry often and everywhere, and most especially because of this one Olive Garden commercial. I excuse myself and run to the bathroom, where I look into the mirror and reassure myself that there are bigger things than the moment I am in. Gerrymandering. Genealogy conglomerates selling my cheek swabs to the state.No, seriously, this girl defines dark humour.
I almost lose a seat to a woman who gets on at Union Square, but luckily her pregnancy slows her down.
No one wants what no one wants.She does interrogate the politics of desire, and leads readers on a journey where we are trusted to infer certain things relevant to the zeitgeist. Things like police brutality, being one of the only black women in a work place, misogynoir, white parents adopting black kids when they have no black friends etc.
I think I could have this baby out of spite. My parents made me on purpose and look what happened. Spite is more sustainable. It gives you something to prove, and better way to prove yourself than through a child, my personal failure amended by such heroic child-rearing that my kid recognizes patterns even before his skull has fused.She is a struggling artist in New York City who can't keep a job, a house, a man, a fulfilling life. Now, I know there are many systemic issues she's up against but not once did this girl show any ounce of fightback against "the man" or even just trying to take advantage of affirmative action or something. Hell, I'd have found her more palatable if she was a full on con artist but Edie is someone life happens to then she has unsavory sex or watches porn at work. This girl was more concerned about her next hit than her student loan payments.
the city rises around me in a bouquet of dust, industrial soot, and overripe squash, insisting upon its own enormity like some big-dick postmodernist fiction and still beautiful despite its knowledge of itself...I mean, COME ON, look at this
...curtain of mist around the stage. This is likely due to lighting and a few discreetly placed smoke machines, but as the lead guitarist indulges a brief aside about Helsinki’s transit system, I see the human component of the humidity, the carbon dioxide and salivary thrust, the centrifuge of salt and hair.This book best explores loneliness. Though explore is a strong word to be honest. It just, sigh,
my reliance on the city’s density, which I have spent so much time hating but proves to be the last barrier between me and some inconceivable boss-level of concentrated loneliness.And, well--
I couldn’t tell if I liked being alone, or if I only endured it because I knew I had no choice.Read this if you don't have a faint heart. Read this if you aren't bothered by weirdness of human nature. Read this if you want to read a stunning debut. It certainly left me stunned.
The Written Review
Just published my November Reading vlog!
“I think to myself, You are a desirable woman. You are not a dozen gerbils in a skin casing.”
“It is that it is 8:15 a.m. and I feel happy. I am not on the L, smelling someone's lukewarm pickles, wishing I were dead.”
“I want to be uncomplicated and undemanding. I want no friction between his fantasy and the person I actually am. I want all that and I want none of it.”
“There is the potent drug of a keen power imbalance. Of being caught in the excruciating limbo between their disinterest and expertise. Their panic at the world's growing indifference.”
“He wants me to be myself like a leopard might be herself in a city zoo. Inert, waiting to be fed. Not out in the wild, with tendon in her teeth.”
“I am good, but not good enough, which is worse than simply being bad. It is almost.”
"...the debris around the drain not enough to deter me from lying down in the tub and being dramatic, humiliation being such that it sometimes requires a private performance, which I give myself, and emerge from the shower in the next stage of hurt feelings."