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The 5 Love Languages
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
Over 20 million copies sold!
A perennial New York Times bestseller for over a decade!
Falling in love is easy. Staying in love—that’s the challenge. How can you keep your relationship fresh and growing amid the demands, conflicts, and just plain boredom of everyday life?
In the #1 New York Times international bestseller The 5 Love Languages®, you’ll discover the secret that has transformed millions of relationships worldwide. Whether your relationship is flourishing or failing, Dr. Gary Chapman’s proven approach to showing and receiving love will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your partner—starting today.
The 5 Love Languages® is as practical as it is insightful. Updated to reflect the complexities of relationships today, this new edition reveals intrinsic truths and applies relevant, actionable wisdom in ways that work.
Includes the Love Language assessment so you can discover your love language and that of your loved one.
A perennial New York Times bestseller for over a decade!
Falling in love is easy. Staying in love—that’s the challenge. How can you keep your relationship fresh and growing amid the demands, conflicts, and just plain boredom of everyday life?
In the #1 New York Times international bestseller The 5 Love Languages®, you’ll discover the secret that has transformed millions of relationships worldwide. Whether your relationship is flourishing or failing, Dr. Gary Chapman’s proven approach to showing and receiving love will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your partner—starting today.
The 5 Love Languages® is as practical as it is insightful. Updated to reflect the complexities of relationships today, this new edition reveals intrinsic truths and applies relevant, actionable wisdom in ways that work.
Includes the Love Language assessment so you can discover your love language and that of your loved one.
232 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 1990
About the author
Gary Chapman
476 books3,047 followersGary Demonte Chapman is an American author and radio talk show host. Chapman is most noted for his The Five Love Languages series regarding human relationships.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 17,328 reviews
October 30, 2007
this book is a tool through which the author, gary chapman, can play out his jesus-complex disguised as a relationship self-help book. there are references from the bible throughout almost every chapter and gary likes to include generous praise from his clients who call him a "miracle worker." it's damn-near pretty close to being called god.
the book has all the hallmarks of a bestseller: easy to read (i read it in one day); hopeless circumstances that seem beyond repair; and an uplifiting ending. the more bestsellers i read, the more i realize that the formula for mainstream media isn't just used in music and movies, it's used in books, too. ugh, how annoying. i admit, i was almost sold on it, too. the author used just the right amount of despair and at the appropriate moments, instilled hope for a better future. and while hope isn't bad at all, the book lacks in addressing the complexity of relationships as well as the diversity of relationships in today's world. for example, this book may not translate well in multicultural relationships that are dictated by a whole different set of mores and values. also, i wonder how it would be relevant to queer couples or polyamourous relationships. it's quite apparent that this book is meant for hetero-white-christian-monogamous couples.
but the one major caveat of this book that isn't so much a caveat as a poorly disguised advocate of misogyny, is the case of a woman who has been abused (what type of abuse has been perpetrated isn't made explicit and gary's reluctance to do so makes me suspicious of how the church deals with issues of domestic violence). gary's advice? dismiss any of your own feelings of discomfort (being used for sex) and have sex with your husband as an act of love and hope that he will reciprocate that love. and what i don't understand is how people have overlooked this, even people who are in the psychology field. that's one thing he doesn't really address, how to identify your limits and make compromises. if you can't see the problem with this picture, i pray you never get married. or have a relationship. or speak to people.
the gender roles in this book are fucking archaic. there's this little section where gary talks about the gender differences in sexual desire. according to him, these differences are all physiologically based. men simply have more tension built-up as a result of massive sperm generation whereas women don't, and that is why women don't crave sex the way men do. instead, women only want sex if their men meet their emotional needs. what, do men not need to have their emotional needs met? are they really just fucking animals who want to empty their over-spermed dicks? why don't they just jack off into a toilet for crying out loud? oops, am i not supposed to mention masturbation in the presence of god? and gary makes women seem like fucking prudes from the latest harlequin romance, the christian edition. gag. this man has very little knowledge of couples outside the realm of christian folklore.
his section on physical touch made me laugh. i wasn't sure if the lame attempts at humor were to assuage his own discomfort or that of his audience. yes, gary, people have sex. i understand that when you tell me to rub my partner's leg with my foot that i should make sure i'm not rubbing the dog. harhar.
to be fair, he touched on the basic fundamentals of communication with your partner, but i can hardly call this book revolutionary. his book on the five languages of love for children sound more useful just because the developmental stage they are in matches the dumbed-down tone of the book. you'd think he was writing for couples who were born in a vaccuum.
i'm so over reading new york times bestsellers. we've been brainwashed into accepting that the typical mainstream formula is quality literature. i prefer real talk to fluffy shit, thank you.
the book has all the hallmarks of a bestseller: easy to read (i read it in one day); hopeless circumstances that seem beyond repair; and an uplifiting ending. the more bestsellers i read, the more i realize that the formula for mainstream media isn't just used in music and movies, it's used in books, too. ugh, how annoying. i admit, i was almost sold on it, too. the author used just the right amount of despair and at the appropriate moments, instilled hope for a better future. and while hope isn't bad at all, the book lacks in addressing the complexity of relationships as well as the diversity of relationships in today's world. for example, this book may not translate well in multicultural relationships that are dictated by a whole different set of mores and values. also, i wonder how it would be relevant to queer couples or polyamourous relationships. it's quite apparent that this book is meant for hetero-white-christian-monogamous couples.
but the one major caveat of this book that isn't so much a caveat as a poorly disguised advocate of misogyny, is the case of a woman who has been abused (what type of abuse has been perpetrated isn't made explicit and gary's reluctance to do so makes me suspicious of how the church deals with issues of domestic violence). gary's advice? dismiss any of your own feelings of discomfort (being used for sex) and have sex with your husband as an act of love and hope that he will reciprocate that love. and what i don't understand is how people have overlooked this, even people who are in the psychology field. that's one thing he doesn't really address, how to identify your limits and make compromises. if you can't see the problem with this picture, i pray you never get married. or have a relationship. or speak to people.
the gender roles in this book are fucking archaic. there's this little section where gary talks about the gender differences in sexual desire. according to him, these differences are all physiologically based. men simply have more tension built-up as a result of massive sperm generation whereas women don't, and that is why women don't crave sex the way men do. instead, women only want sex if their men meet their emotional needs. what, do men not need to have their emotional needs met? are they really just fucking animals who want to empty their over-spermed dicks? why don't they just jack off into a toilet for crying out loud? oops, am i not supposed to mention masturbation in the presence of god? and gary makes women seem like fucking prudes from the latest harlequin romance, the christian edition. gag. this man has very little knowledge of couples outside the realm of christian folklore.
his section on physical touch made me laugh. i wasn't sure if the lame attempts at humor were to assuage his own discomfort or that of his audience. yes, gary, people have sex. i understand that when you tell me to rub my partner's leg with my foot that i should make sure i'm not rubbing the dog. harhar.
to be fair, he touched on the basic fundamentals of communication with your partner, but i can hardly call this book revolutionary. his book on the five languages of love for children sound more useful just because the developmental stage they are in matches the dumbed-down tone of the book. you'd think he was writing for couples who were born in a vaccuum.
i'm so over reading new york times bestsellers. we've been brainwashed into accepting that the typical mainstream formula is quality literature. i prefer real talk to fluffy shit, thank you.
February 22, 2013
I think the basis for this self-help book is good. I totally get the "love languages" thing. My husband's "love language" is Physical Affection and mine is Quality Time. I totally see that. But this is like a "Love Language For Dummies." It talks to you like you're an idiot who has never had basic human social interaction before. And there isn't really any advice, just this guy rambling on about how smart he is for figuring out that people need to be loved in different ways. Like, his advice for someone whose spouse (not partner, not lifemate, and - in this instance, always the wife) prefers "Acts of Service" as a love language (because wives love when their husband does the laundry for them, basically) is just that -- do the laundry without being asked. Well no shit. That's not real advice, that's common sense. And if the husband were to argue "I don't have time, I work a lot so that I can provide for my family" blah blah blah, he just says "WELL MAKE TIME." Super helpful, guy.
Not to mention the book is sexist and heteronormative. Unfortunately, I did a little googling on the author AFTER the fact, and of course it is, because he's a Bible beater. I wish I had known that before I wasted my $7 on the Kindle book. I'd really like to see this concept updated and brought into the 21st century, written in such a manner as to A) actually include all walks of life, not just middle class straight white married couples, and B) actually offer advice that can be applied to a relationship.
Not to mention the book is sexist and heteronormative. Unfortunately, I did a little googling on the author AFTER the fact, and of course it is, because he's a Bible beater. I wish I had known that before I wasted my $7 on the Kindle book. I'd really like to see this concept updated and brought into the 21st century, written in such a manner as to A) actually include all walks of life, not just middle class straight white married couples, and B) actually offer advice that can be applied to a relationship.
May 31, 2011
This book was recommended to my friend by her pastor to read before she got married. My assumption was that it would be religious in tone and not very relevant to today's relationships.
I'm so glad I was wrong! This is one of those books I would suggest everyone read. It is such a simple explanation of what can so often go wrong in relationships. It's not about men vs. women, it's about the way people receive love.
The basis is there are 5 Love Languages (obviously). And if you speak a different love language than your partner, then you may not feel loved.
The 5 Love Languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
I'm sure everyone responds to all of these in some way, but we all have a primary language. There is a great quiz in the back that can help you more quickly define yours. By reading the book, I knew what mine was, but the survey pinpointed it to a T and helped me rank mine by importance, even better than I think I could have done on my own.
This book will help you in your current relationships (of all kinds, not just romantic) and any future relationships you'll have. It really pinpoints how relationships can fall apart after the honeymoon period is over, even if you still love each other. It helps you understand how to show your love for someone else in a way that they'll best receive it.
I could give a bunch of examples from the book, but I want you to read it! So go get it from the library TODAY. Then share with me what your primary language is! I'd love to know everyone's. Mine is Words of Affirmation.
"Almost never do two people fall in love on the same day, and almost never do they fall out of love on the same day."
"Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself."
I'm so glad I was wrong! This is one of those books I would suggest everyone read. It is such a simple explanation of what can so often go wrong in relationships. It's not about men vs. women, it's about the way people receive love.
The basis is there are 5 Love Languages (obviously). And if you speak a different love language than your partner, then you may not feel loved.
The 5 Love Languages are:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
I'm sure everyone responds to all of these in some way, but we all have a primary language. There is a great quiz in the back that can help you more quickly define yours. By reading the book, I knew what mine was, but the survey pinpointed it to a T and helped me rank mine by importance, even better than I think I could have done on my own.
This book will help you in your current relationships (of all kinds, not just romantic) and any future relationships you'll have. It really pinpoints how relationships can fall apart after the honeymoon period is over, even if you still love each other. It helps you understand how to show your love for someone else in a way that they'll best receive it.
I could give a bunch of examples from the book, but I want you to read it! So go get it from the library TODAY. Then share with me what your primary language is! I'd love to know everyone's. Mine is Words of Affirmation.
"Almost never do two people fall in love on the same day, and almost never do they fall out of love on the same day."
"Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself."
March 26, 2013
This book is based on the premise that everyone has a "love language". Things others say or do that make one feel "loved",they are follows:
-words of affirmation.
-recieving gifts.
-acts of service.
-physical touch.
-quality time.
Personally I want you to tell me how great I am (words of affirmation) while walking in the house with a collection of poetry for me (receiving gifts), make a beeline for the trash that needs to be taken out (acts of service), then come back in and read quietly next to me (quality time) before I ride you like the wild stallion that you are (physical touch) so where does that leave me? Which love language am I? This book was not helpful (as indicated by the shelf it's on).
-words of affirmation.
-recieving gifts.
-acts of service.
-physical touch.
-quality time.
Personally I want you to tell me how great I am (words of affirmation) while walking in the house with a collection of poetry for me (receiving gifts), make a beeline for the trash that needs to be taken out (acts of service), then come back in and read quietly next to me (quality time) before I ride you like the wild stallion that you are (physical touch) so where does that leave me? Which love language am I? This book was not helpful (as indicated by the shelf it's on).
March 16, 2011
blahblahblahblah
Doing what your spouse asks of you makes them love you more. There. I just saved you $14.
Doing what your spouse asks of you makes them love you more. There. I just saved you $14.
July 7, 2015
I won't go into the circumstances which lead to this bizarre buddy read that took place at Disneyland. Sometimes life can be stranger than fiction. I will say that this book has some reasonably helpful thoughts and ideas, but... it is way too simplified and way too heteronormative and way too traditional Christian-value based to speak to me in any meaningful way.
Every single example featured a husband/breadwinner and wife/homemaker (who sometimes worked outside the home) couple. In one example, when the wife was asked to describe something positive about her husband, she says: "he let's me keep any money I earn in my part time job". Another example included a young wife who wished her husband would change the baby's diaper when he got home from work because she was busy cooking dinner (HIM: I would like her to cook dinner for when I get home from work).... WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?!?!
The author didn't overtly advocate for traditional gender roles in the home, but I couldn't help but think there was a subliminal message indicating his preference for this. In the one example where the husband seemed to take on a fair share of the cooking, cleaning and other assorted domestic chores, the wife complained. She wanted him to spend more time with her. As it turned out, the wife really wanted to cook and clean, but the husband was too efficient and didn't give her a chance to do so. Oh, happy ending. Needless to say, I'm crying feminist tears at this point.
Don't get me wrong, I am all for good communication, respect and understanding how to make your spouse feel loved. But when this misogynist flavored relationship guru doled out advice to a woman in a 'horrible' marriage, I took issue. The details of horror of the marriage were largely unsaid, other than it was given that the husband cursed and said he hated his wife. This woman was very religious and clearly the idea of leaving her husband was at odds with her beliefs. Since the husband had no interest in seeking marriage counseling, the author/marriage counselor devised a unilateral plan he admitted didn't know would work. The crux of the plan was for the wife to speak to her husband in his love language, and hopefully he would eventually he would reciprocate and the love tanks would start to refill. This plan basically suggested, among other things, that the wife initiate sex with her husband (as his love language was physical touch) even though this idea did not appeal to the wife. Kind of a 'take one for the team' approach. The author clearly said that this was her decision to do so. Ok, so all this has the appearance of consenting adults and informed decisions, so where's the problem Katie? Oh, I don't know, how about emotional manipulation of the vulnerable? Call me cynical, but I picture an abused spouse reading this and thinking that I just need to have sex with my husband and maybe things will work out.
And that leads me to the other big issue I had with this book. All the case studies were simple and tidy and all had happily ever afters. Not very realistic. This author only cited success stories and provided no useful examples of how this love language thing can go wrong.
Overall, I think the idea of love languages seems reasonable, but I was sorely disappointed in the examples and approaches suggested by the author. At best, he gave an overly optimistic view of how implementing his ideas would work. (and if they don't work the first time, perhaps you could try one of his marriage $eminars or buy more of his book$) At worst, they pander to the emotionally vulnerable in abusive relationships, giving them specious relationship advice.
Every single example featured a husband/breadwinner and wife/homemaker (who sometimes worked outside the home) couple. In one example, when the wife was asked to describe something positive about her husband, she says: "he let's me keep any money I earn in my part time job". Another example included a young wife who wished her husband would change the baby's diaper when he got home from work because she was busy cooking dinner (HIM: I would like her to cook dinner for when I get home from work).... WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?!?!
The author didn't overtly advocate for traditional gender roles in the home, but I couldn't help but think there was a subliminal message indicating his preference for this. In the one example where the husband seemed to take on a fair share of the cooking, cleaning and other assorted domestic chores, the wife complained. She wanted him to spend more time with her. As it turned out, the wife really wanted to cook and clean, but the husband was too efficient and didn't give her a chance to do so. Oh, happy ending. Needless to say, I'm crying feminist tears at this point.
Don't get me wrong, I am all for good communication, respect and understanding how to make your spouse feel loved. But when this misogynist flavored relationship guru doled out advice to a woman in a 'horrible' marriage, I took issue. The details of horror of the marriage were largely unsaid, other than it was given that the husband cursed and said he hated his wife. This woman was very religious and clearly the idea of leaving her husband was at odds with her beliefs. Since the husband had no interest in seeking marriage counseling, the author/marriage counselor devised a unilateral plan he admitted didn't know would work. The crux of the plan was for the wife to speak to her husband in his love language, and hopefully he would eventually he would reciprocate and the love tanks would start to refill. This plan basically suggested, among other things, that the wife initiate sex with her husband (as his love language was physical touch) even though this idea did not appeal to the wife. Kind of a 'take one for the team' approach. The author clearly said that this was her decision to do so. Ok, so all this has the appearance of consenting adults and informed decisions, so where's the problem Katie? Oh, I don't know, how about emotional manipulation of the vulnerable? Call me cynical, but I picture an abused spouse reading this and thinking that I just need to have sex with my husband and maybe things will work out.
And that leads me to the other big issue I had with this book. All the case studies were simple and tidy and all had happily ever afters. Not very realistic. This author only cited success stories and provided no useful examples of how this love language thing can go wrong.
Overall, I think the idea of love languages seems reasonable, but I was sorely disappointed in the examples and approaches suggested by the author. At best, he gave an overly optimistic view of how implementing his ideas would work. (and if they don't work the first time, perhaps you could try one of his marriage $eminars or buy more of his book$) At worst, they pander to the emotionally vulnerable in abusive relationships, giving them specious relationship advice.
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March 1, 2021So, this is one of those rare books where it was five stars until literally the end and after that...I really just didn't feel comfortable giving this book a rating at all.
At its core, this book had a great message.
Across cultures and religions there's the underlying theme of finding love...but what about maintaining it? Nurturing it through the years?
That's where the 5 love languages comes into play.
1. Words of AffirmationThe idea is that everyone has a love language, and what communicates love to one person might not necessarily be the same for the other.
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
And up until that point of the book I was loving the message and it resonated very deeply with me. This book was verbalizing something that I had noticed for years but just didn't have the words for it.
After all, who hasn't picked up on the fact that different people like different things?
To some people - tokens of affection (i.e. flowers, post-it notes with heartfelt messages and small surprises) are what shows that you care.
And to others - having someone take time out of their day to spend with you (ie doing chores together, playing a game, or going on a date) is what matters most.
Some people need to hear "I love you" or "You are beautiful" or "You are amazing" in order to know that the other person cares.
I also liked how the author explained that love is work, that it takes a conscious effort to manifest and that it makes all the difference.
And while there were a few moments that seemed a smidge sexist or had a misogynistic slant or got a bit heavy-handed with religion, I could take it with a grain of salt (remembering that the book was written in the 1990s and that those moments weren't the focus/core concept of the book).
It was really the last example in the book that rubbed me the wrong way.
Up until that point, the author would explain a concept, provide examples of it and an anecdote of how it works in real life. And yes those examples were sometimes a bit simplistic/rosy-colored but ultimately I feel like it worked well.
The last example of the book was supposed to be the "unsalvageable marriage" one that was the end-all-be-all test of the Love Language Theory.
And (spoilers ahead) Gary Chapman was able to save the marriage by letting the wife get...hmm...I don't know entirely if it would be categorized as rape but it was borderline enough to make me feel very, very uncomfortable reading it.
Now, I do think I should preface with this is just my interpretation of the woman's story and there very well might be further extenuating circumstances that I am yet unaware of that might sway me to Chapman's side BUT....
Essentially the last woman in this book is being verbally and emotionally abused by the husband. We aren't given a TON of examples but it is heavily implied that this situation untenable - that the woman couldn't live like this anymore.
BUT she didn't want to get divorced because...reasons. Some religious but also part of her remembered her husband before he became so monstrous.
So Gary, after being assured that she is willing to do anything to save her marriage, discusses his "plan". Gary believes that her husband doesn't feel loved and that's why he lashes out.
The author and the woman go over the love languages. I don't remember what hers was but the husband's was physical.
Now physical love language can manifest itself in a few ways - could be that you just crave touch - hugs, hand-holding, resting head-on-shoulder during movies, or snuggling at night. Or it could be sex.
I'm sure you can imagine what the woman's husband wanted.
It boiled down to she felt horrible because of the way he treated her and didn't want to have sex with him which (according to the author) was the root of why the husband was so cruel.
So, the author devises an experiment.
The brilliant plan was for her to have sex with her husband - even though she didn't "feel" like she wanted to. And to stop her nagging him and essentially just pretend their marriage is going well.
I don't know if this is categorized as spousal rape because while it is clear that the woman doesn't want to have sex, she does go willingly to bed but that's only because Gary told her it is the only way to save her marriage and get her loving husband back. So. Maybe not rape but definitely made me feel awful for her.
But hey, it didn't matter anyway because her marriage is saved.
Now, I will admit that I am biased towards this example. I feel like there are just some marriages that aren't worth saving - and as soon as you cross the line towards sustained abuse, that's it.
And perhaps if the author had degrees in the field (Note: The author had MA in anthropology, masters in religious ed and PhD in adult ed but not in the field of question (clinical psychology/licensed therapist) (as far as I can tell)) or he had consulted with a professional...and if the only solution proposed was something other than "weekly sex with husband and stop complaining to him" I would feel differently but to me, this situation was serious enough to refer the woman to someone actually clinically trained to work with abuse victims opposed to armchair diagnosing the husband as sex-deprived.
Never does the author broach the subject of marriages that NEED to end in divorce. Never does he talk about what to do if you can't do it anymore. It felt like he was just pushing this love-as-the-only-answer narrative too far with that last example.
The ending just hit such a sour note for me - and I had loved this book so deeply before it.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
February 24, 2008
My mother in law gave me this book and I hesitated reading it because it sounds so cheesy (and just take a look at the cover--how dorky!) But I was stuck on vacation with nothing else to read so I reluctantly gave it a try. In a nutshell, this book has changed my life. Page after page I found myself wanting to yell, "yes! Thats exactly right!" If I could give this more than five stars, I would. Okay, maybe "changed my life" is a bit strong, but it has certainly enhanced my marriage like nothing else I've ever read or done.
The advice this author gives is so profound and universal, it can be applied successfully to any deep relationship you have (children, parents, close friends). I just can't recommend it highly enough. Every couple, whether newly together or old marrieds, could benefit from this book.
The advice this author gives is so profound and universal, it can be applied successfully to any deep relationship you have (children, parents, close friends). I just can't recommend it highly enough. Every couple, whether newly together or old marrieds, could benefit from this book.
August 18, 2017
This was recommended by a “friend” of my wife, which proves part of the old adage: “A friend of thy wife, is thine enemy”.
That’s from the Bible or the Decameron or Archie Comics.
I think.
I’ll do the whole would-it-kill-you-to-read-something-positive-with-me-for-a-change thing if I want something in return in order spend some time with my wife. Plus, bonus, the audio book was relatively short.
I’ve had to read a few scoops of self-helpcrap literature over the years, so I’m down with the lingo:
Annie Wilkes’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.
I’m OK (Neurotic, OCD, manic-depressive), You’re OK (Nymphomaniac, Daddy issues, Passive-aggressive).
Untying my “inner child” from the radiator and letting him have ice cream with my “toxic” parents.
Books that give you a “thought for the day”, you know, something cosmic and revelatory to think about and chew on for eternity (or until you close the book).
Jeff, buddy, I’m breathless with anticipation! What are the five languages of love, already?
Well, as a way to work into that, fanatical (and borderline crazy) Goodreader, let me explain the good doctor’s theory on the FIVE languages of love. Basically, we all speak a primary language and we all have a language of love that we learned from mommy and daddy.
One of five languages of love.
Five! Count ‘em, Five!
What was that number again?
So, that number is five, right?
Stop dragging this out in order to post “five” gifs.
According to Dr. Chapman, the five languages are:
Now, I’m done.
1) Giving gifts – If the last time you gave your wife flowers was when Nirvana was a thing, then this one isn’t you.
2) Words of affirmation – These don’t include: “You’re an idiot/moron/devil/shrew/succubus etc.”
3) Acts of Service or doing stuff for your loved one or something – Helping my wife bury the hoochies that chase after our son qualifies here.
4) Quality time –
It’s not me, me, me. Maybe your wife, wants to hang with you and do stuff, like, I don’t know, talk…
5) Physical touch – It’s not only smexy times, but just being there, being present.
Note to wife: Please treat every day like my birthday!
So, in a nutshell, recognize your love language and your spouse’s love language and try to accommodate them in some small way.
If I’ve saved your marriage, you’re welcome or just send me a check. Make it out to “CASH”.
Warning! The doctor likes to work in the Christian stuff and this is strictly a hetero tome, so if the first is a turn off and you find the second limited, look for help elsewhere. And like anything in this world that makes money, Chapman has written enough additional books on this subject to choke a Tijuana stage show donkey.
That’s from the Bible or the Decameron or Archie Comics.
I think.
I’ll do the whole would-it-kill-you-to-read-something-positive-with-me-for-a-change thing
I’ve had to read a few scoops of self-help
Annie Wilkes’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.
I’m OK (Neurotic, OCD, manic-depressive), You’re OK (Nymphomaniac, Daddy issues, Passive-aggressive).
Untying my “inner child” from the radiator and letting him have ice cream with my “toxic” parents.
Books that give you a “thought for the day”, you know, something cosmic and revelatory to think about and chew on for eternity (or until you close the book).
Jeff, buddy, I’m breathless with anticipation! What are the five languages of love, already?
Well, as a way to work into that, fanatical (and borderline crazy) Goodreader, let me explain the good doctor’s theory on the FIVE languages of love. Basically, we all speak a primary language and we all have a language of love that we learned from mommy and daddy.
One of five languages of love.
Five! Count ‘em, Five!
What was that number again?
So, that number is five, right?
Stop dragging this out in order to post “five” gifs.
According to Dr. Chapman, the five languages are:
Now, I’m done.
1) Giving gifts – If the last time you gave your wife flowers was when Nirvana was a thing, then this one isn’t you.
2) Words of affirmation – These don’t include: “You’re an idiot/moron/devil/shrew/succubus etc.”
3) Acts of Service or doing stuff for your loved one or something – Helping my wife bury the hoochies that chase after our son qualifies here.
4) Quality time –
It’s not me, me, me. Maybe your wife, wants to hang with you and do stuff, like, I don’t know, talk…
5) Physical touch – It’s not only smexy times, but just being there, being present.
Note to wife: Please treat every day like my birthday!
So, in a nutshell, recognize your love language and your spouse’s love language and try to accommodate them in some small way.
If I’ve saved your marriage, you’re welcome or just send me a check. Make it out to “CASH”.
Warning! The doctor likes to work in the Christian stuff and this is strictly a hetero tome, so if the first is a turn off and you find the second limited, look for help elsewhere. And like anything in this world that makes money, Chapman has written enough additional books on this subject to choke a Tijuana stage show donkey.
January 23, 2021
A quick and valuable read to help you better understand how you and your partner best like to express and receive love. Great for helping you see what you truly value in a partner and what your partner truly values in you.
May 27, 2023
Ein kurzes Buch mit ganz viel Inhalt. Dabei ist der Inhalt eigentlich selbstverständlich, möchte man meinen. Man sollte seinem Partner zeigen, dass man ihn liebt und die Liebe nicht einschlafen lassen. Lob und Anerkennung, Zärtlichkeit und Hilfsbereitschaft gehören beispielsweise dazu. Eigentlich selbstverständlich, aber es ist gut und auch wichtig, sich dieses immer mal wieder ins Gedächtnis zu rufen. Dafür ist dieses Buch ideal; es regt zum Nachdenken und Reflektieren an.
Mir hat es sehr gut gefallen!
Mir hat es sehr gut gefallen!
February 9, 2022
4.5 stars
I absolutely recommend this book to EVERYONE. Whether you are married, dating, single, whatever. The ideas and concepts in this book will benefit any relationship. The idea of loving others the way they need to be loved might feel counterintuitive, but it something so essential to growing as a person and understanding what love really is.
I had always known about this book and the love languages, but this was the first time I actually read it. Of course, as with any self-help type of book, there were a few cheesy moments, which is why I docked it half a star, but overall it was a fantastic read!
I absolutely recommend this book to EVERYONE. Whether you are married, dating, single, whatever. The ideas and concepts in this book will benefit any relationship. The idea of loving others the way they need to be loved might feel counterintuitive, but it something so essential to growing as a person and understanding what love really is.
I had always known about this book and the love languages, but this was the first time I actually read it. Of course, as with any self-help type of book, there were a few cheesy moments, which is why I docked it half a star, but overall it was a fantastic read!
October 28, 2021
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, Gary Chapman
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is a 1992 book by Gary Chapman.
It outlines five general ways that romantic partners express and experience love, which Chapman calls "love languages".
By learning the five love languages, you and your spouse will discover your unique love languages and learn practical steps in truly loving each other.
Chapters are categorized by love language for easy reference, and each one ends with simple steps to express a specific language to your spouse and guide your marriage in the right direction.
A newly designed love languages assessment will help you understand and strengthen your relationship. You can build a lasting, loving marriage together.
For men and women of all ages who want to express love to their spouse in a meaningful way, and improve overall communication.
This book speaks straight to the needs of troubled spouses and simplifies and makes practical the ways to heal damaged relationships.
عنوانهای چاپ شده در ایران: «5 [پنج] زبان عشق: چگونه به او بگویم دوستت دارم»؛ «چگونه به دل همسرم بنشینم؟»؛ «5 زبان عشق: چگونه تعهد قلبی خود را به یارمان ابراز کنیم»؛ «5 زبان عشق»؛ «پنج زبان عشق»؛ «پنج زبان دلبستگی: چگونه احساسات قلبی خود را به همسرتان بیان کنید»؛ «قلب پنج زبان عشق»؛ «5 زبان عشق همسران»؛ «پنج زبان عشق همسران»؛ نویسنده: گری چپمن؛ تاریخ نخستین خوانش روز بیست و هفتم ماه اکتبر سال2005میلادی
عنوان: 5 [پنج] زبان عشق: چگونه به او بگویم دوستت دارم؛ نویسنده: گری چاپمن؛ برگردان سیمین موحد؛ تهران، ویدا، سال1383؛ در212ص؛ شابک ندارد؛ چاپ چهاردهم سال1394؛ شابک9646807666؛ موضوع زناشویی از نویسندگان ایالات متحده آمریکا - سده20م
فهرست: فصل اول: پس از ازدواج چه بر سر عشق میآید؟ فصل دوم: پر نگه داشتن مخزن عشق؛ فصل سوم: عاشق شدن؛ فصل چهارم: زبان اول عشق: کلام تایید آمیز؛ فصل پنجم: زبان دوم عشق: وقت گذاشتن برای یکدیگر؛ فصل ششم: زبان سوم عشق: دریافت هدایا؛ فصل هفتم: زبان چهارم عشق: خدمت به یکدیگر؛ فصل هشتم: زبان پنجم عشق: تماس فیزیکی؛ فصل نهم: کشف زبان اصلي عشق خودتان؛ فصل دهم: عشق یک انتخاب است؛ فصل یازدهم: عشق اساسی است؛ فصل دوازدهم: مهر ورزیدن به آن هایی که دوستشان نداریم؛ فصل سیزدهم: کودکان و زبانهای عشق؛ فصل چهاردهم: یک کلام شخصی؛
عنوان: چگونه به دل همسرم بنشینم؟ مولف گری چپمن؛ مترجم مژگان قشقائیپور؛ تهران، آوینا؛ سال1387؛ در308ص؛ شابک9789642563371؛چاپ دوم و سوم سال1389؛ چاپ پنجم سال1394؛
عنوان: 5 زبان عشق: چگونه تعهد قلبی خود را به یارمان ابراز کنیم؛ نویسنده گاری (گری) چپمن؛ مترجم رویا منجم؛ تهران، علم، سال1387؛ در218ص؛ شابک9789644059711؛
عنوان: 5 زبان عشق؛ نویسنده گاری (گری) چاپمن (چپمن)؛ مترجمها: بختیار کرمی، نظام هاشمی؛ تهران، بهشتیان، سال1392؛ در220ص؛ شابک9786006148434؛
عنوان: پنج زبان عشق؛ مولف گری چاپمن؛ مترجمها رامین کریمی، فاطمه اشرفپوراردکانی؛ تهران، شلاک؛ سال1383؛ در118ص؛ شابک9647962177؛ چاپ دوم سال1387؛
عنوان: پنج زبان دلبستگی: چگونه احساسات قلبی خود را به همسرتان بیان کنید؛ نوشته گری چپمن ؛ مترجم احمد جعفری؛ تبریز، شایسته، سال1388؛ در214ص؛ شابک9789647266536؛ چاپ دوم سال1389؛ چاپ دیگر تبریز، فروزش، سال1389؛ در یک جلد بدون شماره گذاری؛ شابک9789645472939؛ چاپ سوم سال1390؛
عنوان: قلب پنج زبان عشق؛ نویسنده گری چاپمن؛ مترجمها شمسالدین حسینی، الهام آرامنیا؛ ویراستار حمیده رستمی؛ تهران، نسل نواندیش؛ سال1389؛ در64ص؛ شابک9789642360765؛
عنوان: 5 زبان عشق همسران؛ نویسنده گری چاپمن؛ مترجم علیرضا اکبرزاده؛ تهران، مهراج، چاپ اول و دوم و سوم سال1389؛ در277ص؛ شابک9786009040742؛ چاپ چهارم سال1390؛ چاپ پنجم سال1392؛ چاپ ششم سال1394؛
عنوان: پنج زبان عشق؛ نیسنده: گری چاپمن؛ مترجم گیتی (عزتالملوک) شهیدی؛ تهران، فراروی، سال1390، در182ص؛ شابک9786005947328؛ چاپ دوم سال1393؛
عنوان: پنج زبان عشق همسران؛ نویسنده گری چپمن ؛ مترجم طیبه رفیعی؛ قم، الهام نور؛ چاپ اول تا سوم سال1393؛ در208ص؛ شابک9786006947020؛ چاپ دیگر قزوین، آریاز؛ چاپ پنجم سال1393؛ در208ص؛ شابک9786006548067؛
کتاب به بسیاری از پرسشهای بیجواب زندگی عشقی و زناشویی افراد پاسخ داده است؛ نویسنده در این اثر به حقیقتی ناگفته اشاره میکنند و توضیح میدهند که افراد به زبانهای گوناگون از عشق صحبت میکنند؛ همانگونه که انسانها با زبان مادری خود احساس راحتی بیشتری دارند، زبانهای عاطفی نیز همینگونه است؛ اختلاف زمانی پیش میآید که در زندگی مشترک هر کس به زبان عشقی خود سخن بگوید؛ به باور «چاپمن» اینکار همانند آن است که یکی از طرفین به زبان «انگلیسی» و دیگری به زبان «چینی» سخن بگویند؛ در چنین شراطی هرگزی نخواهید فهمید که چطور به یکدیگر عشق بورزید؛ این زبانها ریشه در کودکی انسان دارد، و زبان اصلی عشق را مبتنی با ساختار روانی منحصر به فرد خود ایجاد میکنند؛ آنها بر مبنای همین زبان اصلی سخن میگویند و همین زبان را میفهمند؛ اغلب زوجین زبان عشق متفاوتی دارند و به همین علت از درک حرف یکدیگر عاجزند؛ «چاپمن» زبان عشق را به طور کلی به پنج دسته تقسیم کرده است که همانند زبانهای گفتاری لهجههای گوناگونی نیز دارد؛ برای آنکه پس از ازدواج عشق همسران زنده بماند، باید زبان دوم را آموخت، و محبت را به زبان عشق طرف مقابل بیان کرد؛ تعریف شفاهی، قدردانی، و کلام تایید آمیز، نخستین زبان عشق است؛ کلمات ابزار قدرتمندی هستند، که توان آفرینندگی یا مرگ دارند؛ دومین زبان عشق وقت گذاشتن نام دارد؛ کنار یکدیگر بودن لزوما به معنای وقت گذاشتن نیست؛ زبان سوم دریافت هدایا است؛ نمادهای بصری در چشم بعضی افراد بسیار مهم است؛ زبان چهارم عشق، خدمت به یکدیگر است؛ اینکار به مفهوم مشارکت در کارهایی است که همسرتان دوست دارد شما انجام دهید؛ و زبان پنجم عشق تماس فیزیکی نظیردر آغوش کشیدن یکدیگر و روابط جنسی است؛
نقل از متن برگردان خانم سیمین موحد: (عشق تنها نیاز عاطفی ماست؛ روانشناسان دریافتهاند که نیاز به امنیت، احساس ارزشمندی و اهمیت داشتن نیازهای اساسی ما هستند؛ اما عشق همه این نیازها را میپوشاند؛ اگر من احساس کنم همسرم دوستم دارد آرامش مییابم زیرا میدانم که محبوبم آزاری به من نخواهد رساند؛ من در حضور او احساس امنیت و اطمینان میکنم؛ شاید در حرفهام با مشکلات متعدد مواجه شوم؛ شاید درحوزههای دیگر زندگیم دشمنانی داشته باشم، اما از جانب همسرم اطمینان خاطر دارم
حس ارزشمندیِ من در اثر این واقعیت که همسرم دوستم دارد تقویت میشود؛ اگر او مرا دوست دارد پس باید ارزش عشق را داشته باشم؛ شاید والدینم مرا بیارزش دانسته ی�� نسبت به ارزشم شک کرده باشند؛ اما همسرم مرا به رسمیت میشناسد و دوستم دارد؛ عشق او عزت نفس مرا افزایش میدهد
نیاز به احساس اهمیت داشتن نیروی عاطفی نهفته در پس اغلب رفتارهای ماست؛ عشق با میل و آرزوی موفقیت، پیش رانده میشود؛ ما میخواهیم زندگیمان ارزشمند باشد، هر یک از ما ایده ی خود را از معنای اهمیت داریم، و برای کسب هدفمان به شدت تلاش میکنیم؛ احساس عشق همسرمان سبب میشود تا بیشتر احساس اهمیت بکنیم؛ ما به خود میگوییم اگر کسی مرا دوست دارد؛ پس باید اهمیت داشته باشم
من مهم هستم زیرا در نقطه اوج نظام آفرینش جای دارم؛ من میتوانم فکر کنم؛ افکارم را از راه پیشینیانم آگاه شوم و از آنها استفاده کنم، میتوانم تجارب دیگران را به کار بگیرم، حتی اگر آنها در عصر و فرهنگ دیگری زیسته باشند؛ میتوانم با مشاهده مرگ اعضای خانواده و دوستان وجود دنیایی فراتر از دنیای مادی راحس کنم؛ من کشف میکنم که در تمام فرهنگها مردم به جهان معنوی اعتقاد دارند؛ قلبم به من میگوید این حقیقت دارد حتی اگر تربیت علمیام آن را مورد سئوال قرار دهد
من مهم هستم؛ زندگی بامعناست و هدفی والا دارد؛ من میخواهم آن را باور کنم اما شاید تا زمانی که کسی به من ابراز عشق نکند احساس اهمیت نکنم؛ وقتی همسرم با محبت بسیار وقت و انرژی خود را به من اختصاص میدهد و برایم کار و کوشش میکند ایمان میآورم که مهم هستم)؛ پایان نقل
تاریخ بهنگام رسانی 05/08/1400هجری خورشیدی؛ ا. شربیانی
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is a 1992 book by Gary Chapman.
It outlines five general ways that romantic partners express and experience love, which Chapman calls "love languages".
By learning the five love languages, you and your spouse will discover your unique love languages and learn practical steps in truly loving each other.
Chapters are categorized by love language for easy reference, and each one ends with simple steps to express a specific language to your spouse and guide your marriage in the right direction.
A newly designed love languages assessment will help you understand and strengthen your relationship. You can build a lasting, loving marriage together.
For men and women of all ages who want to express love to their spouse in a meaningful way, and improve overall communication.
This book speaks straight to the needs of troubled spouses and simplifies and makes practical the ways to heal damaged relationships.
عنوانهای چاپ شده در ایران: «5 [پنج] زبان عشق: چگونه به او بگویم دوستت دارم»؛ «چگونه به دل همسرم بنشینم؟»؛ «5 زبان عشق: چگونه تعهد قلبی خود را به یارمان ابراز کنیم»؛ «5 زبان عشق»؛ «پنج زبان عشق»؛ «پنج زبان دلبستگی: چگونه احساسات قلبی خود را به همسرتان بیان کنید»؛ «قلب پنج زبان عشق»؛ «5 زبان عشق همسران»؛ «پنج زبان عشق همسران»؛ نویسنده: گری چپمن؛ تاریخ نخستین خوانش روز بیست و هفتم ماه اکتبر سال2005میلادی
عنوان: 5 [پنج] زبان عشق: چگونه به او بگویم دوستت دارم؛ نویسنده: گری چاپمن؛ برگردان سیمین موحد؛ تهران، ویدا، سال1383؛ در212ص؛ شابک ندارد؛ چاپ چهاردهم سال1394؛ شابک9646807666؛ موضوع زناشویی از نویسندگان ایالات متحده آمریکا - سده20م
فهرست: فصل اول: پس از ازدواج چه بر سر عشق میآید؟ فصل دوم: پر نگه داشتن مخزن عشق؛ فصل سوم: عاشق شدن؛ فصل چهارم: زبان اول عشق: کلام تایید آمیز؛ فصل پنجم: زبان دوم عشق: وقت گذاشتن برای یکدیگر؛ فصل ششم: زبان سوم عشق: دریافت هدایا؛ فصل هفتم: زبان چهارم عشق: خدمت به یکدیگر؛ فصل هشتم: زبان پنجم عشق: تماس فیزیکی؛ فصل نهم: کشف زبان اصلي عشق خودتان؛ فصل دهم: عشق یک انتخاب است؛ فصل یازدهم: عشق اساسی است؛ فصل دوازدهم: مهر ورزیدن به آن هایی که دوستشان نداریم؛ فصل سیزدهم: کودکان و زبانهای عشق؛ فصل چهاردهم: یک کلام شخصی؛
عنوان: چگونه به دل همسرم بنشینم؟ مولف گری چپمن؛ مترجم مژگان قشقائیپور؛ تهران، آوینا؛ سال1387؛ در308ص؛ شابک9789642563371؛چاپ دوم و سوم سال1389؛ چاپ پنجم سال1394؛
عنوان: 5 زبان عشق: چگونه تعهد قلبی خود را به یارمان ابراز کنیم؛ نویسنده گاری (گری) چپمن؛ مترجم رویا منجم؛ تهران، علم، سال1387؛ در218ص؛ شابک9789644059711؛
عنوان: 5 زبان عشق؛ نویسنده گاری (گری) چاپمن (چپمن)؛ مترجمها: بختیار کرمی، نظام هاشمی؛ تهران، بهشتیان، سال1392؛ در220ص؛ شابک9786006148434؛
عنوان: پنج زبان عشق؛ مولف گری چاپمن؛ مترجمها رامین کریمی، فاطمه اشرفپوراردکانی؛ تهران، شلاک؛ سال1383؛ در118ص؛ شابک9647962177؛ چاپ دوم سال1387؛
عنوان: پنج زبان دلبستگی: چگونه احساسات قلبی خود را به همسرتان بیان کنید؛ نوشته گری چپمن ؛ مترجم احمد جعفری؛ تبریز، شایسته، سال1388؛ در214ص؛ شابک9789647266536؛ چاپ دوم سال1389؛ چاپ دیگر تبریز، فروزش، سال1389؛ در یک جلد بدون شماره گذاری؛ شابک9789645472939؛ چاپ سوم سال1390؛
عنوان: قلب پنج زبان عشق؛ نویسنده گری چاپمن؛ مترجمها شمسالدین حسینی، الهام آرامنیا؛ ویراستار حمیده رستمی؛ تهران، نسل نواندیش؛ سال1389؛ در64ص؛ شابک9789642360765؛
عنوان: 5 زبان عشق همسران؛ نویسنده گری چاپمن؛ مترجم علیرضا اکبرزاده؛ تهران، مهراج، چاپ اول و دوم و سوم سال1389؛ در277ص؛ شابک9786009040742؛ چاپ چهارم سال1390؛ چاپ پنجم سال1392؛ چاپ ششم سال1394؛
عنوان: پنج زبان عشق؛ نیسنده: گری چاپمن؛ مترجم گیتی (عزتالملوک) شهیدی؛ تهران، فراروی، سال1390، در182ص؛ شابک9786005947328؛ چاپ دوم سال1393؛
عنوان: پنج زبان عشق همسران؛ نویسنده گری چپمن ؛ مترجم طیبه رفیعی؛ قم، الهام نور؛ چاپ اول تا سوم سال1393؛ در208ص؛ شابک9786006947020؛ چاپ دیگر قزوین، آریاز؛ چاپ پنجم سال1393؛ در208ص؛ شابک9786006548067؛
کتاب به بسیاری از پرسشهای بیجواب زندگی عشقی و زناشویی افراد پاسخ داده است؛ نویسنده در این اثر به حقیقتی ناگفته اشاره میکنند و توضیح میدهند که افراد به زبانهای گوناگون از عشق صحبت میکنند؛ همانگونه که انسانها با زبان مادری خود احساس راحتی بیشتری دارند، زبانهای عاطفی نیز همینگونه است؛ اختلاف زمانی پیش میآید که در زندگی مشترک هر کس به زبان عشقی خود سخن بگوید؛ به باور «چاپمن» اینکار همانند آن است که یکی از طرفین به زبان «انگلیسی» و دیگری به زبان «چینی» سخن بگویند؛ در چنین شراطی هرگزی نخواهید فهمید که چطور به یکدیگر عشق بورزید؛ این زبانها ریشه در کودکی انسان دارد، و زبان اصلی عشق را مبتنی با ساختار روانی منحصر به فرد خود ایجاد میکنند؛ آنها بر مبنای همین زبان اصلی سخن میگویند و همین زبان را میفهمند؛ اغلب زوجین زبان عشق متفاوتی دارند و به همین علت از درک حرف یکدیگر عاجزند؛ «چاپمن» زبان عشق را به طور کلی به پنج دسته تقسیم کرده است که همانند زبانهای گفتاری لهجههای گوناگونی نیز دارد؛ برای آنکه پس از ازدواج عشق همسران زنده بماند، باید زبان دوم را آموخت، و محبت را به زبان عشق طرف مقابل بیان کرد؛ تعریف شفاهی، قدردانی، و کلام تایید آمیز، نخستین زبان عشق است؛ کلمات ابزار قدرتمندی هستند، که توان آفرینندگی یا مرگ دارند؛ دومین زبان عشق وقت گذاشتن نام دارد؛ کنار یکدیگر بودن لزوما به معنای وقت گذاشتن نیست؛ زبان سوم دریافت هدایا است؛ نمادهای بصری در چشم بعضی افراد بسیار مهم است؛ زبان چهارم عشق، خدمت به یکدیگر است؛ اینکار به مفهوم مشارکت در کارهایی است که همسرتان دوست دارد شما انجام دهید؛ و زبان پنجم عشق تماس فیزیکی نظیردر آغوش کشیدن یکدیگر و روابط جنسی است؛
نقل از متن برگردان خانم سیمین موحد: (عشق تنها نیاز عاطفی ماست؛ روانشناسان دریافتهاند که نیاز به امنیت، احساس ارزشمندی و اهمیت داشتن نیازهای اساسی ما هستند؛ اما عشق همه این نیازها را میپوشاند؛ اگر من احساس کنم همسرم دوستم دارد آرامش مییابم زیرا میدانم که محبوبم آزاری به من نخواهد رساند؛ من در حضور او احساس امنیت و اطمینان میکنم؛ شاید در حرفهام با مشکلات متعدد مواجه شوم؛ شاید درحوزههای دیگر زندگیم دشمنانی داشته باشم، اما از جانب همسرم اطمینان خاطر دارم
حس ارزشمندیِ من در اثر این واقعیت که همسرم دوستم دارد تقویت میشود؛ اگر او مرا دوست دارد پس باید ارزش عشق را داشته باشم؛ شاید والدینم مرا بیارزش دانسته ی�� نسبت به ارزشم شک کرده باشند؛ اما همسرم مرا به رسمیت میشناسد و دوستم دارد؛ عشق او عزت نفس مرا افزایش میدهد
نیاز به احساس اهمیت داشتن نیروی عاطفی نهفته در پس اغلب رفتارهای ماست؛ عشق با میل و آرزوی موفقیت، پیش رانده میشود؛ ما میخواهیم زندگیمان ارزشمند باشد، هر یک از ما ایده ی خود را از معنای اهمیت داریم، و برای کسب هدفمان به شدت تلاش میکنیم؛ احساس عشق همسرمان سبب میشود تا بیشتر احساس اهمیت بکنیم؛ ما به خود میگوییم اگر کسی مرا دوست دارد؛ پس باید اهمیت داشته باشم
من مهم هستم زیرا در نقطه اوج نظام آفرینش جای دارم؛ من میتوانم فکر کنم؛ افکارم را از راه پیشینیانم آگاه شوم و از آنها استفاده کنم، میتوانم تجارب دیگران را به کار بگیرم، حتی اگر آنها در عصر و فرهنگ دیگری زیسته باشند؛ میتوانم با مشاهده مرگ اعضای خانواده و دوستان وجود دنیایی فراتر از دنیای مادی راحس کنم؛ من کشف میکنم که در تمام فرهنگها مردم به جهان معنوی اعتقاد دارند؛ قلبم به من میگوید این حقیقت دارد حتی اگر تربیت علمیام آن را مورد سئوال قرار دهد
من مهم هستم؛ زندگی بامعناست و هدفی والا دارد؛ من میخواهم آن را باور کنم اما شاید تا زمانی که کسی به من ابراز عشق نکند احساس اهمیت نکنم؛ وقتی همسرم با محبت بسیار وقت و انرژی خود را به من اختصاص میدهد و برایم کار و کوشش میکند ایمان میآورم که مهم هستم)؛ پایان نقل
تاریخ بهنگام رسانی 05/08/1400هجری خورشیدی؛ ا. شربیانی
December 22, 2017
Quite disgusted by how the author counseled a woman, “Ann” who said her husband cursed her, mistreated her, and said he hated her. Chapman told her to stay in the marriage for six months, and do ALL the emotional labor and follow “the teachings of Jesus.” I fear for her safety. Ann’s closest friends, who presumably knew of her situation, told her to get out. I hope she followed their advice.
January 20, 2020
لماذا نبحث عن لغات الحب ؟
أليس شئ معلوما و واضح ؟
اليس جميع الرجال تتفق ان المرأة تحب الكلمات
و ان الشعراء و الروايات زادوا من صعوبة مهمة للرجل ؟
و اغلب النساء تتفق ان لغة الرجل الاولى هي العلاقة الحميمة اذن لما نتعب انفسنا في حديث.
إن ذلك من مورثنا الفكري الذي يجب ان نغير فيه قليلا لن نمحوه فتلك صحيحة عند بعض لكن ليس الكل.
و لذلك يجب ان نفهم انفسنا.
قبل بدأ في الحديث عن خرافتنا الخاصة بالحب.لنعود للوراء قليلا.
كان يا ما كان في قديم الزمان امير 🤴احب اميرة 👸
و ليعبر عن حبه كان يخرج معها في نزهات 🏖
و يتحدثان في مكالمات طويلة و يهدي لها الهديا.
وتلك أميرة 👸في غيمة الحب الوردية الرومانسية
ترى انها وجدت فارسها ذو حصان ابيض🦄 و لتكتمل فرحتها
.قررا ان يتزوجا🎇 لتتوحد مملكتين .
و بعد حفلة الزواج و انتهاء شهر العسل والذي قضياه في تركيا -لان قصة عشق اسطورية يجب ان يكون شهر عسل في اسطنبول الدارج في تونس-.
عاد الزوجان الى قصر و بعد مدة بدأت الخلافات في الظهور،
ف مع الزواج تاتي المسؤليات (تنظيف المنزل ) لم يعد قصرا .
انتهى الحلم و بدأ مسلسل اخراج القمامة و غسل الماعون و كل تلك الاشياء.
و بدا كل منهما يكتشف مدى البون الذي بينهما
و جاء ذلك السؤال لماذا تزوجتك ؟
هنا استيقظت من التعلق العاطفي فالذي كانا فيه ليس حبًا
وهو الفصل اول من الكتاب و الذي يعتبر نقطة قوته
اقتبس منه :
"ان تجربة الوقوع في الحب لا تعتبر حبا حقيقيا لثلاث اسباب
1) إن وقوع في الحب ليس عمل إراديا و ليس عمل واعيا فكم من مرة نحب الشخص الخطأ او نحب في وقت غير المناسب.
2) الوقوع في الحب لا يعتبر حقيقيا لا ن الشخص لا يبذل جهدا فكل ما هو مطلوب هو الحب .
3) إن الشخص الذي يقع في الحب لا يهتم حقيقة بتشجيع النمو الشخصي للطرف اخر."
اذن ماهو اذا لم يكن حبا ⬅️ هو تعلق عاطفي
اذن ما هو الحب الحقيقي؟
* ان الحب الوجداني الذي يربط بين العقل و العاطفة .
الذي يرتبط بالإرادة و يتطلب النظام و يعترف بحاجة الى تطور الشخصي : ذلك هو الحب الحقيقي ♥️.
حين ذهبت اميرة👸 تشكو تغير زوجها .جاء حكيم المملكة و اخبارها هذه الكلمات .
اذن ما الحل هل أطلب الطلاق و تنفصل وحدة المملكتين ؟
جاء جواب الحكيم هادى و رزين:
بل يبدأ مشوراك الحقيقي للحب و اكتشاف لم أحببته و لغات الحب خاصة بكما
هيا تذكري ما اكثر شئ كان يفرحك حين يقوم به.
ثم ذهب الحكيم الى امير و طلب منه نفس الشئ.
و اصبحت لدينا قائمة بلغات الحب الخمسة.
*اللغة الاولى : كلمات التشجيع :
احدى طرق للتعبير على الحب و تخفيز لا نقصد هنا تملق الزوج او زوجة بل تحفيز شجاعة لديه .
و هذه كلمات نستعملها في رغبة هي او هو يسعى لتحقيقها.
*لغة الثانية : تكريس الوقت
*اللغة الثالثة : اعمال خدمية.
هناك كانت مشكلة امير فزوجته منذ تزوجا لم تقم بطبخ اكلة لذيذة له او ترتيب المنزل .او تساعده في بحث يقوم به.رغم انها كانت خدومة في فترة الخطوبة
تدخل الحكيم هنا و نبه الزوجة ان لغة الحب عنده اعمال الخدمية.
التي هي ايضا لغة حب عند الاميرة حينها نظرت الى زوجها نظرة ذات معزى
و قالت له :الم تكن تساعدني في مشاريعي و تقدم يد عون لو الدتك في منزل لماذا توقف كل هذا.
اجاب امير ببساطة انه من نقدك. و الحاحك في الطلب.
تدخل حكيم و قال : النقد و سيلة لتعبير عن حاجة لاظهار الحب رغم انها غير فعالة.
و هو انذار ان خزان الحب عند زوجتك فارغ لذلك تبدا في الزن .
لديهما نفس لغة الحب لكنهما لم يتواصل لان كل منهما لم يحاول الجلوس للحوار بحضور الحكيم
*لغة الحب الرابعة : الهدايا.
ان الهدية هي شئ يمكن تمسكه بيدك و تقول
:"انظر انه يفكر في "و اعطاءها تعبير عن الحب
*لغة الخامسة : الاتصال البدني.
قبل ان يغادر الحكيم قدم لهم هذه النصائح :
ان الحب هو عطاء و كل لغات الحب الخمسة تحث على عطاء.
و الزواج علاقة ليس مشروع يجب ان استكماله او مشكلة يجب حلها هي علاقة تتطلب انصات مقترنا بالتعاطف و تفهم افكار الطرف آخر و مشاعره و رغابته.
و رغم اهمية الحب فهو ليس الحاجة العاطفية الوحيدة لدينا.
فقط لاحظ علماء النفس ان من بين حاجيتنا الاساسية :الامان و الثقة بالنفس و الاهتمام و لكن الحب يربط بينهم.
و الحب لن يلغى الخلافات بينكما لكن سيجعلكم تبحثون عن حلول لمشاكلكم في جو من الأمان.
و تذكروا ان حتى اطفال تطبق عليهم لغات الحب الخمس اقتبس من الدكتور رويس كامبل :
"في داخل كل طفل خزان للعاطفة في انتظار ان يملأ بالحب فعندما يشعر الطفل بأنه محبوب فأنه سينمو بشكل طبيعي و لكن عندما ما يكون خزان الحب فارغا سيتصرف الطفل بشكل غير سوي .فاكثر السلوكات السيئة التي تصدر عن الاطفال تكون بسبب الرغبة الملحة في ملا الخزان".
و عسى انكم فهمت جيدا الفرق الواضح بين التعلق العاطفي الذي لولا تدخلي كنتم ستنفصلون .و تبدأ رحلة بحث جديد عن الحب ثم فشل و طلاق.
لان مفهوم خاطئ عن الحب الحقيقي
و انت سيد امير ارجو انك فهمت ان ليس الحاجة اساسية للمرأة الكلمات بل هناك لغات اخرى.
واصل امير و اميرة رحلتهما في تطور الروحي معا و الحب و عاش بسعادة و الهناء لكن بجهد كل منهما و التزامهما بالعطاء المتبادل .
و طفا طفا وفات خرافة😊
!! اغلب معلومات اعرفها فقد قرات سابقا حول هذا موضوع لذلك تنقصت النجوم
اشجع على قرائته.خاصة انه يضرب امثلة و هناك مخطط اخر كتاب ليعلم كل شريك لغته خاصة.كتاب مفيد بسيط.
10 janv 2019🌸
أليس شئ معلوما و واضح ؟
اليس جميع الرجال تتفق ان المرأة تحب الكلمات
و ان الشعراء و الروايات زادوا من صعوبة مهمة للرجل ؟
و اغلب النساء تتفق ان لغة الرجل الاولى هي العلاقة الحميمة اذن لما نتعب انفسنا في حديث.
إن ذلك من مورثنا الفكري الذي يجب ان نغير فيه قليلا لن نمحوه فتلك صحيحة عند بعض لكن ليس الكل.
و لذلك يجب ان نفهم انفسنا.
قبل بدأ في الحديث عن خرافتنا الخاصة بالحب.لنعود للوراء قليلا.
كان يا ما كان في قديم الزمان امير 🤴احب اميرة 👸
و ليعبر عن حبه كان يخرج معها في نزهات 🏖
و يتحدثان في مكالمات طويلة و يهدي لها الهديا.
وتلك أميرة 👸في غيمة الحب الوردية الرومانسية
ترى انها وجدت فارسها ذو حصان ابيض🦄 و لتكتمل فرحتها
.قررا ان يتزوجا🎇 لتتوحد مملكتين .
و بعد حفلة الزواج و انتهاء شهر العسل والذي قضياه في تركيا -لان قصة عشق اسطورية يجب ان يكون شهر عسل في اسطنبول الدارج في تونس-.
عاد الزوجان الى قصر و بعد مدة بدأت الخلافات في الظهور،
ف مع الزواج تاتي المسؤليات (تنظيف المنزل ) لم يعد قصرا .
انتهى الحلم و بدأ مسلسل اخراج القمامة و غسل الماعون و كل تلك الاشياء.
و بدا كل منهما يكتشف مدى البون الذي بينهما
و جاء ذلك السؤال لماذا تزوجتك ؟
هنا استيقظت من التعلق العاطفي فالذي كانا فيه ليس حبًا
وهو الفصل اول من الكتاب و الذي يعتبر نقطة قوته
اقتبس منه :
"ان تجربة الوقوع في الحب لا تعتبر حبا حقيقيا لثلاث اسباب
1) إن وقوع في الحب ليس عمل إراديا و ليس عمل واعيا فكم من مرة نحب الشخص الخطأ او نحب في وقت غير المناسب.
2) الوقوع في الحب لا يعتبر حقيقيا لا ن الشخص لا يبذل جهدا فكل ما هو مطلوب هو الحب .
3) إن الشخص الذي يقع في الحب لا يهتم حقيقة بتشجيع النمو الشخصي للطرف اخر."
اذن ماهو اذا لم يكن حبا ⬅️ هو تعلق عاطفي
اذن ما هو الحب الحقيقي؟
* ان الحب الوجداني الذي يربط بين العقل و العاطفة .
الذي يرتبط بالإرادة و يتطلب النظام و يعترف بحاجة الى تطور الشخصي : ذلك هو الحب الحقيقي ♥️.
حين ذهبت اميرة👸 تشكو تغير زوجها .جاء حكيم المملكة و اخبارها هذه الكلمات .
اذن ما الحل هل أطلب الطلاق و تنفصل وحدة المملكتين ؟
جاء جواب الحكيم هادى و رزين:
بل يبدأ مشوراك الحقيقي للحب و اكتشاف لم أحببته و لغات الحب خاصة بكما
هيا تذكري ما اكثر شئ كان يفرحك حين يقوم به.
ثم ذهب الحكيم الى امير و طلب منه نفس الشئ.
و اصبحت لدينا قائمة بلغات الحب الخمسة.
*اللغة الاولى : كلمات التشجيع :
احدى طرق للتعبير على الحب و تخفيز لا نقصد هنا تملق الزوج او زوجة بل تحفيز شجاعة لديه .
و هذه كلمات نستعملها في رغبة هي او هو يسعى لتحقيقها.
*لغة الثانية : تكريس الوقت
*اللغة الثالثة : اعمال خدمية.
هناك كانت مشكلة امير فزوجته منذ تزوجا لم تقم بطبخ اكلة لذيذة له او ترتيب المنزل .او تساعده في بحث يقوم به.رغم انها كانت خدومة في فترة الخطوبة
تدخل الحكيم هنا و نبه الزوجة ان لغة الحب عنده اعمال الخدمية.
التي هي ايضا لغة حب عند الاميرة حينها نظرت الى زوجها نظرة ذات معزى
و قالت له :الم تكن تساعدني في مشاريعي و تقدم يد عون لو الدتك في منزل لماذا توقف كل هذا.
اجاب امير ببساطة انه من نقدك. و الحاحك في الطلب.
تدخل حكيم و قال : النقد و سيلة لتعبير عن حاجة لاظهار الحب رغم انها غير فعالة.
و هو انذار ان خزان الحب عند زوجتك فارغ لذلك تبدا في الزن .
لديهما نفس لغة الحب لكنهما لم يتواصل لان كل منهما لم يحاول الجلوس للحوار بحضور الحكيم
*لغة الحب الرابعة : الهدايا.
ان الهدية هي شئ يمكن تمسكه بيدك و تقول
:"انظر انه يفكر في "و اعطاءها تعبير عن الحب
*لغة الخامسة : الاتصال البدني.
قبل ان يغادر الحكيم قدم لهم هذه النصائح :
ان الحب هو عطاء و كل لغات الحب الخمسة تحث على عطاء.
و الزواج علاقة ليس مشروع يجب ان استكماله او مشكلة يجب حلها هي علاقة تتطلب انصات مقترنا بالتعاطف و تفهم افكار الطرف آخر و مشاعره و رغابته.
و رغم اهمية الحب فهو ليس الحاجة العاطفية الوحيدة لدينا.
فقط لاحظ علماء النفس ان من بين حاجيتنا الاساسية :الامان و الثقة بالنفس و الاهتمام و لكن الحب يربط بينهم.
و الحب لن يلغى الخلافات بينكما لكن سيجعلكم تبحثون عن حلول لمشاكلكم في جو من الأمان.
و تذكروا ان حتى اطفال تطبق عليهم لغات الحب الخمس اقتبس من الدكتور رويس كامبل :
"في داخل كل طفل خزان للعاطفة في انتظار ان يملأ بالحب فعندما يشعر الطفل بأنه محبوب فأنه سينمو بشكل طبيعي و لكن عندما ما يكون خزان الحب فارغا سيتصرف الطفل بشكل غير سوي .فاكثر السلوكات السيئة التي تصدر عن الاطفال تكون بسبب الرغبة الملحة في ملا الخزان".
و عسى انكم فهمت جيدا الفرق الواضح بين التعلق العاطفي الذي لولا تدخلي كنتم ستنفصلون .و تبدأ رحلة بحث جديد عن الحب ثم فشل و طلاق.
لان مفهوم خاطئ عن الحب الحقيقي
و انت سيد امير ارجو انك فهمت ان ليس الحاجة اساسية للمرأة الكلمات بل هناك لغات اخرى.
واصل امير و اميرة رحلتهما في تطور الروحي معا و الحب و عاش بسعادة و الهناء لكن بجهد كل منهما و التزامهما بالعطاء المتبادل .
و طفا طفا وفات خرافة😊
!! اغلب معلومات اعرفها فقد قرات سابقا حول هذا موضوع لذلك تنقصت النجوم
اشجع على قرائته.خاصة انه يضرب امثلة و هناك مخطط اخر كتاب ليعلم كل شريك لغته خاصة.كتاب مفيد بسيط.
10 janv 2019🌸
November 29, 2012
هذاالكتاب قام بالاجابة على كثير من الألغاز التي قد حيرتني في ما مضى..
لماذا يشعر شخص ما في عائلة ما أنه غير محبوب ؟؟
لماذا لا يستطيع بعض الأشخاص التعبير عن حبهم للآخرين ؟؟
لماذا يتوقف البعض في مرحلة من حياتهم عن حب بعضهم البعض ؟؟
لماذا لا يقدر الآخر ما أقوم به ؟؟
عندما تظن بأنك وصلت لمرحلة من الوعي تجعلك تفهم من حولك
يأتي مثل هذا الكتاب المضيء ليقول لك بأنك مازلت تتلمس طريقك في الظلمة
هذا كتاب يجعلك أكثر تسامحا مع البشرية و يجعلك كائنا ناضجا و واعيا و متفهما
لن أتحدث عن محتواه لأني سأظلمه أكتشفه بنفسك
أنصح بقراءته و بشدة.
April 12, 2024
أتوقع إن الست فيروز لما قالت "وهديتني وردة، فرجيتا لصحابي، خبيتا بكتابي، زرعتا عالمخدة" كانت لغة حبها هي تقديم الهدايا، لكن واضح إن حبيبها مش بيتكلم نفس اللغة لأنها هديته مزهرية، كان يداريها ولا يعتني فيها تا ضاعت الهدية، فطبعًا فيروز مكانتش بتحس بحبه ليها بدليل إنها بتقول له "وبتقلّي بتحبني ما بتعرف قديش؟!! 😏" بس المفروض إنه بيحبك أهو ما هو جابلك وردة! أنت اللي محتاجة تتعلمي لغة حبه يا ست فيروز بدل ما أنت عمالة تحكي عنه مع أهالي الحي :)
المهم.. أخيرًا قرأت الكتاب اللي بيتكلم عن واحدة من أشهر النظريات وهي نظرية لغات الحب الخمس، اللي هم كلمات التقدير، تكريس الوقت، تبادل الهدايا، الأعمال الخدمية، الاتصال البدني.. ومش بس كدا، دا كل لغة طلع ليها لهجات مختلفة، والكاتب بيتكلم عن كل لغة بالتفصيل، وبيدعّم الشرح بتجارب وقصص عدت عليه في عمله كمستشار زواج، وبعدين بيقدم أمثلة واقتراحات للأفكار اللي ممكن الواحد يعبر بيها عن حبه لشريك حياته بعد ما يعرف اللغة اللي بيتكلمها..
ثم في الفصول الأخيرة بيوضح فكرة إن معرفة لغة الطرف الآخر مش كفاية، المهم إن الواحد يتعلم يتكلمها ازاي، والأهم من دا كله هي إرادة الشريكين إنهم يصلحوا علاقتهم، لأن الدنيا مش بسيطة أوي كدا للأسف، يعني ايه دا هي مراتي لغة حبها هي كلمات التقدير؟ خلاص هقولها كلام حلو مرة الصبح ومرة بليل وخلصنا.. المشكلة مش بتتحل كدا، المهم هو إن محاولات التعبير عن الحب تكون نابعة من إن ال��احد "يختار" اختيار واعي ومسؤول إنه "يحب" شريك حياته ويقتنع تمام الاقتناع إنه لازم يشبع حاجة شريكه العاطفية بالطريقة اللي يفضلها هو..
كذلك من أهم الأفكار في الكتاب هي الفرق بين (تجربة الوقوع في الحب) و (الاحتياج العاطفي للحب)، هنا بيتكلم عن النظرية الشهيرة اللي بتقول الحب بينتهي بعد الجواز، واستمتعوا بالخطوبة عشان دي آخر أيام سعيدة في حياتكم،... وإلخ، الكاتب بيقدم تفسير للأفكار دي وهو إنه في مرحلة (الوقوع في الحب)، الطرفين بيبقوا منبهرين ببعض وبحالة السعادة غير المحدودة والإشباع للرغبات العاطفية، لكن الاتنين غالبًا مش بيفكروا لقدام، إن المرحلة المؤقتة دي مسيرها تنتهي، ومحدش بيهتم يفهم حقيقة (الاحتياج العاطفي للحب)، اللي هو احتياج دائم ومستمر وطريقة إشباعه مختلفة من شخص للتاني، وبمجرد ما مرحلة الانبهار الأولى تخلص بيرجع (الاحتياج العاطفي للحب) دا يعبر عن نفسه، ولأن محدش اتعلم ازاي يشبع الاحتياج دا عند التاني بالطريقة المناسبة، هنا تبدأ المشاكل من نوع: "أنت معدتش بتحبني زي الأول، أنت اتغيرتي أوي بعد الجواز، أنا حاسة إني اتجوزت واحد تاني غير بتاع الخطوبة،... إلخ"
وتموت الكثير من العلاقات إكلينكيًا عند هذه المرحلة، أو يلجأ واحد من الطرفين إنه يدور على تجربة جديدة للوقوع في الحب من جديد، عشان يملى خزانه العاطفي مؤقتًا مرة تانية، وهكذا..
لكن المشكلة دي يمكن حلها، صحيح الحل مش سهل، لكن لو من البداية كل طرف فكر بعقلانية وواقعية، وكان عنده إدراك حقيقي لاحتياجاته العاطفية وطرق إشباعها، وتواصل مع الطرف التاني بشكل فعال عشان يفهموا بعض و "يحبوا" بعض زي ما كل واحد محتاج، الأستاذ تشابمان بيقول -والعهدة على الراوي- إن العلاقات بتتصلح والناس بتحب بعض وينبسطوا ويعيشوا في تبات ونبات.
من عيوب الكتاب ومميزاته في نفس الوقت، إنه اتكلم فقط عن العلاقات الزوجية، هو طبعًا واضح من الغلاف إنه بيتكلم عن "شريك حياتك" لكني أعتقد إن كثير من أفكار الكتاب ممكن تتطبق على علاقات الصداقة مثلًا..
لكن الميزة اللي متوقعتش وجودها بصراحة إن الكتاب بردو بيتكلم العلاقات الزوجية فقط، بدون أي تطرق للعلاقات خارج إطار الزواج، ودي نقطة تحسب للكاتب بالتأكيد.
فيه فصل بيتكلم عن لغات الحب الخمس عند الأطفال، وعرفت إن فيه كتاب تاني كامل للأطفال بس، وفي حوار شيق مع لينة بنت أخويا (٣ سنين ونص) بقولها هو أنت عارفة إني بحبك يا لولو؟ قالت لي آه، فسألتها طب يعني ايه بحبك؟ وكان الجواب الآتي:
"أنت بتجيبيلي حاجة حلوة" يبقى دي لغة الهدايا، و "بتديني بوسة وحضن كبير" يعني التواصل البدني، و "نقعد نلعب مع بعض أنا وأنت" يعني تكريس الوقت :))
وفي النهاية خالص تمنياتي للجميع بعلاقات صحية جميلة كلها حب وتفاهم وخزانات عاطفية مليانة على رأي الأستاذ تشابمان.. وعن نفسي هفكر جديًا أعمل كارير شيفت وأشتغل ماردچ كونسلتنت🙏🏻
المهم.. أخيرًا قرأت الكتاب اللي بيتكلم عن واحدة من أشهر النظريات وهي نظرية لغات الحب الخمس، اللي هم كلمات التقدير، تكريس الوقت، تبادل الهدايا، الأعمال الخدمية، الاتصال البدني.. ومش بس كدا، دا كل لغة طلع ليها لهجات مختلفة، والكاتب بيتكلم عن كل لغة بالتفصيل، وبيدعّم الشرح بتجارب وقصص عدت عليه في عمله كمستشار زواج، وبعدين بيقدم أمثلة واقتراحات للأفكار اللي ممكن الواحد يعبر بيها عن حبه لشريك حياته بعد ما يعرف اللغة اللي بيتكلمها..
ثم في الفصول الأخيرة بيوضح فكرة إن معرفة لغة الطرف الآخر مش كفاية، المهم إن الواحد يتعلم يتكلمها ازاي، والأهم من دا كله هي إرادة الشريكين إنهم يصلحوا علاقتهم، لأن الدنيا مش بسيطة أوي كدا للأسف، يعني ايه دا هي مراتي لغة حبها هي كلمات التقدير؟ خلاص هقولها كلام حلو مرة الصبح ومرة بليل وخلصنا.. المشكلة مش بتتحل كدا، المهم هو إن محاولات التعبير عن الحب تكون نابعة من إن ال��احد "يختار" اختيار واعي ومسؤول إنه "يحب" شريك حياته ويقتنع تمام الاقتناع إنه لازم يشبع حاجة شريكه العاطفية بالطريقة اللي يفضلها هو..
كذلك من أهم الأفكار في الكتاب هي الفرق بين (تجربة الوقوع في الحب) و (الاحتياج العاطفي للحب)، هنا بيتكلم عن النظرية الشهيرة اللي بتقول الحب بينتهي بعد الجواز، واستمتعوا بالخطوبة عشان دي آخر أيام سعيدة في حياتكم،... وإلخ، الكاتب بيقدم تفسير للأفكار دي وهو إنه في مرحلة (الوقوع في الحب)، الطرفين بيبقوا منبهرين ببعض وبحالة السعادة غير المحدودة والإشباع للرغبات العاطفية، لكن الاتنين غالبًا مش بيفكروا لقدام، إن المرحلة المؤقتة دي مسيرها تنتهي، ومحدش بيهتم يفهم حقيقة (الاحتياج العاطفي للحب)، اللي هو احتياج دائم ومستمر وطريقة إشباعه مختلفة من شخص للتاني، وبمجرد ما مرحلة الانبهار الأولى تخلص بيرجع (الاحتياج العاطفي للحب) دا يعبر عن نفسه، ولأن محدش اتعلم ازاي يشبع الاحتياج دا عند التاني بالطريقة المناسبة، هنا تبدأ المشاكل من نوع: "أنت معدتش بتحبني زي الأول، أنت اتغيرتي أوي بعد الجواز، أنا حاسة إني اتجوزت واحد تاني غير بتاع الخطوبة،... إلخ"
وتموت الكثير من العلاقات إكلينكيًا عند هذه المرحلة، أو يلجأ واحد من الطرفين إنه يدور على تجربة جديدة للوقوع في الحب من جديد، عشان يملى خزانه العاطفي مؤقتًا مرة تانية، وهكذا..
لكن المشكلة دي يمكن حلها، صحيح الحل مش سهل، لكن لو من البداية كل طرف فكر بعقلانية وواقعية، وكان عنده إدراك حقيقي لاحتياجاته العاطفية وطرق إشباعها، وتواصل مع الطرف التاني بشكل فعال عشان يفهموا بعض و "يحبوا" بعض زي ما كل واحد محتاج، الأستاذ تشابمان بيقول -والعهدة على الراوي- إن العلاقات بتتصلح والناس بتحب بعض وينبسطوا ويعيشوا في تبات ونبات.
من عيوب الكتاب ومميزاته في نفس الوقت، إنه اتكلم فقط عن العلاقات الزوجية، هو طبعًا واضح من الغلاف إنه بيتكلم عن "شريك حياتك" لكني أعتقد إن كثير من أفكار الكتاب ممكن تتطبق على علاقات الصداقة مثلًا..
لكن الميزة اللي متوقعتش وجودها بصراحة إن الكتاب بردو بيتكلم العلاقات الزوجية فقط، بدون أي تطرق للعلاقات خارج إطار الزواج، ودي نقطة تحسب للكاتب بالتأكيد.
فيه فصل بيتكلم عن لغات الحب الخمس عند الأطفال، وعرفت إن فيه كتاب تاني كامل للأطفال بس، وفي حوار شيق مع لينة بنت أخويا (٣ سنين ونص) بقولها هو أنت عارفة إني بحبك يا لولو؟ قالت لي آه، فسألتها طب يعني ايه بحبك؟ وكان الجواب الآتي:
"أنت بتجيبيلي حاجة حلوة" يبقى دي لغة الهدايا، و "بتديني بوسة وحضن كبير" يعني التواصل البدني، و "نقعد نلعب مع بعض أنا وأنت" يعني تكريس الوقت :))
وفي النهاية خالص تمنياتي للجميع بعلاقات صحية جميلة كلها حب وتفاهم وخزانات عاطفية مليانة على رأي الأستاذ تشابمان.. وعن نفسي هفكر جديًا أعمل كارير شيفت وأشتغل ماردچ كونسلتنت🙏🏻
April 20, 2021
من أروع و أهم الكتب التي قرأتها .
كتاب سهل وواضحة أفكاره جدًا ، ويتضمن الكثير من الأمثلة و التجارب الحقيقية ، والتي تقرب الأفكار بطريقة ممتازة .
هو كتاب مهم لكل شخص ، لأنه لا يقتصر على الحب بين الأزواج ، بل يمكن تطبيقه على الحب الإنساني بكل أنواعه و أشكاله .
أنصح الجميع بقراءته ، حتى لو لم يكونوا واقعين في الحب أو متزوجين .
كتاب سهل وواضحة أفكاره جدًا ، ويتضمن الكثير من الأمثلة و التجارب الحقيقية ، والتي تقرب الأفكار بطريقة ممتازة .
هو كتاب مهم لكل شخص ، لأنه لا يقتصر على الحب بين الأزواج ، بل يمكن تطبيقه على الحب الإنساني بكل أنواعه و أشكاله .
أنصح الجميع بقراءته ، حتى لو لم يكونوا واقعين في الحب أو متزوجين .
August 25, 2023
جای بسی تعجب است که ریویوهای فارسی بسیار کمی برای این کتاب مهم وجود داره.
پنج زبان عشق شامل: ۱ کلام تایید آمیز ۲ وقت گذاشتن برای هم ۳ دریافت هدیه ۴ خدمت کردن به هم و ۵ ارتباط فیزیکی میشود. که یکی از آن ها زبان اصلی و بقیه زبان های فرعی هستند اما همگی برای ابراز محبت نقشی حیاتی دارند. گری چاپمن روانشناس و مشاور ازدواج آمریکایی، ادبیات خاصی از رفع نیاز عاطفی و مهرورزی در روابط را معرفی میکند که پیش از این شاید کمتر کسی از آن با خبر باشد. اینکه آیا ما و پارتنرمان زبان عشق هم را بلدیم و از این طریق به هم محبت میکنیم یا خیر بسیار مهم است. در واقع چاپمن عشق را راه حل نهایی رفع تمام نیازهای انسان مثل احساس ارزشمندی، توجه و امنیت میداند و معتقد است با استفاده از زبان عشق میتوان مخزن عشق را در زوجین پر کرد و تمام احساسات نامبرده را تامین کرد. از نظر او عشق یک انتخاب است و بعد از فروکش کردن تجربه پرشور عاشقی در ماه ها و سال های اول رابطه، اگر نتوانیم به صورت انتخابی عشق ورزی کنیم رابطه دچار آسیب و حتی فروپاشی میشود. علت اینکه بسیاری از زوج ها گلایه دارند که چرا همسر یا پارتنرشان قدر کارهای او و محبت های او را نمیداند، احتمالا به این دلیل است که با زبان عشق اصلی و مخصوصش به او محبت نمیشود. در متن کتاب راهکار ها و مثال های جالبی هم برای شناسایی زبان عشق خود و همسر (پارتنر) معرفی میکند که بسیار کاربردی است. همچنین تمرینات و توصیه هایی برای به کارگیری زبان های عشق آمده که زندگی زوج های زیادی را نجات داده است. و همه چیز به تلاش و ممارست دو طرف بستگی دارد که چقدر بتوانند ظرف عشق همدیگر را پر کنند.
دو بخش در این کتاب برای من مورد انتقاد است:
در بخشی از این کتاب آمده که میتوانیم حتی به کسانی که دوستشان نداریم و از ما متنفرند هم عشق بورزیم؛ آن هم با تکیه بر معنویات! چاپمن مثال هایی از دین مسیح ارائه میدهد که چطور عیسی پای حواریون را در آب میشست یا هنگامی که او را مصلوب میکردند برای قاتلین و دشمنانش دعا و طلب بخشش میکرد. به زبان سادهتر معتقد است با مهربانی و صبوری میتوان در قلب های سخت هم نفوذ کرد.
و جایی دیگر از کتاب که نوشته باید کارهایی که دوست نداریم ولی پارتنر ما آن ها را دوست دارد و زبان عشق اوست را حتما انجام دهیم. در واقع میگوید وقتی از عملی خوشمان نمیآید، انجام آن بیشتر مهر و محبت ما را میرساند.
در کل کتاب خیلی خوبیه و روش های بسیار جالبی برای یادگیری محبت کردن به کسانی حتی غیر از همسر یا پارتنرمون آموزش میده.
پنج زبان عشق شامل: ۱ کلام تایید آمیز ۲ وقت گذاشتن برای هم ۳ دریافت هدیه ۴ خدمت کردن به هم و ۵ ارتباط فیزیکی میشود. که یکی از آن ها زبان اصلی و بقیه زبان های فرعی هستند اما همگی برای ابراز محبت نقشی حیاتی دارند. گری چاپمن روانشناس و مشاور ازدواج آمریکایی، ادبیات خاصی از رفع نیاز عاطفی و مهرورزی در روابط را معرفی میکند که پیش از این شاید کمتر کسی از آن با خبر باشد. اینکه آیا ما و پارتنرمان زبان عشق هم را بلدیم و از این طریق به هم محبت میکنیم یا خیر بسیار مهم است. در واقع چاپمن عشق را راه حل نهایی رفع تمام نیازهای انسان مثل احساس ارزشمندی، توجه و امنیت میداند و معتقد است با استفاده از زبان عشق میتوان مخزن عشق را در زوجین پر کرد و تمام احساسات نامبرده را تامین کرد. از نظر او عشق یک انتخاب است و بعد از فروکش کردن تجربه پرشور عاشقی در ماه ها و سال های اول رابطه، اگر نتوانیم به صورت انتخابی عشق ورزی کنیم رابطه دچار آسیب و حتی فروپاشی میشود. علت اینکه بسیاری از زوج ها گلایه دارند که چرا همسر یا پارتنرشان قدر کارهای او و محبت های او را نمیداند، احتمالا به این دلیل است که با زبان عشق اصلی و مخصوصش به او محبت نمیشود. در متن کتاب راهکار ها و مثال های جالبی هم برای شناسایی زبان عشق خود و همسر (پارتنر) معرفی میکند که بسیار کاربردی است. همچنین تمرینات و توصیه هایی برای به کارگیری زبان های عشق آمده که زندگی زوج های زیادی را نجات داده است. و همه چیز به تلاش و ممارست دو طرف بستگی دارد که چقدر بتوانند ظرف عشق همدیگر را پر کنند.
دو بخش در این کتاب برای من مورد انتقاد است:
در بخشی از این کتاب آمده که میتوانیم حتی به کسانی که دوستشان نداریم و از ما متنفرند هم عشق بورزیم؛ آن هم با تکیه بر معنویات! چاپمن مثال هایی از دین مسیح ارائه میدهد که چطور عیسی پای حواریون را در آب میشست یا هنگامی که او را مصلوب میکردند برای قاتلین و دشمنانش دعا و طلب بخشش میکرد. به زبان سادهتر معتقد است با مهربانی و صبوری میتوان در قلب های سخت هم نفوذ کرد.
و جایی دیگر از کتاب که نوشته باید کارهایی که دوست نداریم ولی پارتنر ما آن ها را دوست دارد و زبان عشق اوست را حتما انجام دهیم. در واقع میگوید وقتی از عملی خوشمان نمیآید، انجام آن بیشتر مهر و محبت ما را میرساند.
در کل کتاب خیلی خوبیه و روش های بسیار جالبی برای یادگیری محبت کردن به کسانی حتی غیر از همسر یا پارتنرمون آموزش میده.
May 23, 2020
When I finished reading this book yesterday, I thought the first 70% of the book wasn’t that bad. Hell, I can even go as far as to say that it had pretty good points for someone new to relationships.
Now that I’m writing this review, I don’t think I can hold back because the remaining part of this book is fucking trash and I have to talk about it!
If you’ve ever been in a relationship where there’s healthy communication, I think all the advice given by the author won’t sound so revolutionary. That's because you don’t have the fancy words to label the ways you show your love to your partner.
But, I don’t want to drag this book down completely as I feel that this has some good points in the beginning. “Love language” is a metaphor for the actions you take to show your love for your partner which results in a full love tank i.e. satisfaction in a relationship.
After the emotional high of love wears off AKA honeymoon phase of the relationship ends, it leaves us with the reality that the person we are with is not as perfect as we had once imagined. In this situation, we have to make efforts to sustain love and cultivate intimacy.
All of this is fine until the author ruins everything by attempting to save the relationship of a woman who has been abused. Using religion, he manipulates her to have sex with her husband (because his primary love language is physical touch). I’m not even exaggerating this. I found it wrong and vile.
If he had given the same advice to a man, I’d be angry too. But this is especially disgusting because, in many cultures and communities, women are told to just put up with the abuse or sweep it under the rug. I just cannot believe he gave this advice using such pleasant words.
It takes two to be in a relationship. It should be the decision of two people to make it work. If only one person is putting in efforts while the other person couldn’t care less, it’s best to give up because this is an unhealthy dynamic.
It was wrong on his part to give such advice to the vulnerable woman who was in a dilemma of whether she should stay with her abuser or leave. It just plays into the mentality that a good girl can fix a bad guy if she loves him enough. We should wonder about something else. Is the guy even worth loving? Short answer: No. Long answer: HELL NOOOOOO!
Secondly, he talks about how a relationship can be revived even after there has been sexual infidelity. I’m neither an expert in the field of dating and relationships nor have I read any research papers or statistics, but I feel there should be a line that cannot be crossed.
In my opinion, certain actions should be forbidden and considered the last straw in relationships for eg, cheating, abuse, and some other serious offenses (murder?).
I think aiming to make every relationship work by applying the love language rules is idealistic and unrealistic. Sometimes, people just aren’t compatible. There might be a hundred reasons for not being together. I don’t think all problems can be solved by applying the five simple rules.
All in all, read the first 70% of the book as it is sensible. For the rest, hurl the book out of the window and forget about it.
Now that I’m writing this review, I don’t think I can hold back because the remaining part of this book is fucking trash and I have to talk about it!
If you’ve ever been in a relationship where there’s healthy communication, I think all the advice given by the author won’t sound so revolutionary. That's because you don’t have the fancy words to label the ways you show your love to your partner.
But, I don’t want to drag this book down completely as I feel that this has some good points in the beginning. “Love language” is a metaphor for the actions you take to show your love for your partner which results in a full love tank i.e. satisfaction in a relationship.
After the emotional high of love wears off AKA honeymoon phase of the relationship ends, it leaves us with the reality that the person we are with is not as perfect as we had once imagined. In this situation, we have to make efforts to sustain love and cultivate intimacy.
All of this is fine until the author ruins everything by attempting to save the relationship of a woman who has been abused. Using religion, he manipulates her to have sex with her husband (because his primary love language is physical touch). I’m not even exaggerating this. I found it wrong and vile.
If he had given the same advice to a man, I’d be angry too. But this is especially disgusting because, in many cultures and communities, women are told to just put up with the abuse or sweep it under the rug. I just cannot believe he gave this advice using such pleasant words.
It takes two to be in a relationship. It should be the decision of two people to make it work. If only one person is putting in efforts while the other person couldn’t care less, it’s best to give up because this is an unhealthy dynamic.
It was wrong on his part to give such advice to the vulnerable woman who was in a dilemma of whether she should stay with her abuser or leave. It just plays into the mentality that a good girl can fix a bad guy if she loves him enough. We should wonder about something else. Is the guy even worth loving? Short answer: No. Long answer: HELL NOOOOOO!
Secondly, he talks about how a relationship can be revived even after there has been sexual infidelity. I’m neither an expert in the field of dating and relationships nor have I read any research papers or statistics, but I feel there should be a line that cannot be crossed.
In my opinion, certain actions should be forbidden and considered the last straw in relationships for eg, cheating, abuse, and some other serious offenses (murder?).
I think aiming to make every relationship work by applying the love language rules is idealistic and unrealistic. Sometimes, people just aren’t compatible. There might be a hundred reasons for not being together. I don’t think all problems can be solved by applying the five simple rules.
All in all, read the first 70% of the book as it is sensible. For the rest, hurl the book out of the window and forget about it.
January 20, 2016
كنتُ دائمًا أسألُ زوجى:
-ما الذى تعيبه علىّ؟
-أو ما الذى إذا فعلته تشعر بحبي لك؟
وكان يجيبنى لا أنكر ذلك، ولكنى كنتُ أرى أن ما يقوله ليس أساسيًا
وأن هناك الأكثر أهمية للتعبير عن الحب بغير هذه الصورة
لذلك فكنتُ غالبًا لا أتغير ولا حتى أمل من السؤال لأننى كنت أريد الإجابة التى أريدها أنا...
حتى قرأتُ هذا الكتاب
لا أكذب أبدًا حين أقول أن هذا الكتاب سيغير حياتى جذريًا
فهمتُ إجابات زوجى، وعرفت لغة الحب خاصته وخاصتى، وأدركتُ تباين الرغبات
ولا أستطيع أن أصف مدى سعادتى وفرحتى ا��آن،
هذا الكتاب سأحرص بشدة على الحصول على نسخة ورقية منه
فهو الكنز المهدى من السماء لى.
-ما الذى تعيبه علىّ؟
-أو ما الذى إذا فعلته تشعر بحبي لك؟
وكان يجيبنى لا أنكر ذلك، ولكنى كنتُ أرى أن ما يقوله ليس أساسيًا
وأن هناك الأكثر أهمية للتعبير عن الحب بغير هذه الصورة
لذلك فكنتُ غالبًا لا أتغير ولا حتى أمل من السؤال لأننى كنت أريد الإجابة التى أريدها أنا...
حتى قرأتُ هذا الكتاب
لا أكذب أبدًا حين أقول أن هذا الكتاب سيغير حياتى جذريًا
فهمتُ إجابات زوجى، وعرفت لغة الحب خاصته وخاصتى، وأدركتُ تباين الرغبات
ولا أستطيع أن أصف مدى سعادتى وفرحتى ا��آن،
هذا الكتاب سأحرص بشدة على الحصول على نسخة ورقية منه
فهو الكنز المهدى من السماء لى.
January 5, 2024
Gary Chapman, a marriage councillor (and pastor), comes up with 5 basic ways that people use to express (romantic) love:
- words of affirmation
- gift giving
- acts of service
- quality time
- and physical touch
He also, very daringly, theorises thatmost all marital problems are caused by the participants' lacking language skills, i.e. them having different ways of expressing love. In his defence, Mr. Chapman spends over 200 pages coming up with increasingly looser definitions for said love languages to support his claim... so he might as well be right by the end.
For all my hatred of the self-help/self-improvement genre in general, I'm fairly lenient when it comes to qualifications I require from authors writing these books. As long as they're fluent, are not boring me and try to make a modicum of sense, I'm willing to give them a chance. Yes, 9 times out of 10, I end up disappointed but no one can say I didn't at least give them the benefit of doubt.
I mainly view these kinds of books as advice from some "well-meaning" busybody intent on sharing their coping mechanism with the world. Had this book been a 2-page essay, I wouldn't even have considered it all that bad...
The good part is how he explains/illustrates the mistake in difference of communication: like not just lobbing (empty) praises at someone who wants to see action. He also makes a valid point in people not handling the difference between the long-term more sedate pace of love and the initial passionate falling in love phase.
The bad part is in fact mostly due to the specific examples with which Chapman chooses to illustrate his concepts. Though I give him props for changing some of his more sexist anecdotes from the first editions, he still has some very problematic ones.
Off the top of my head, the one where he makes the husband listen by literally repeating the wife's complaints word for word. And later he suggests to a woman whose husband constantly screams and belittles her, that she should have sex with him more often... among other things. Dunno about you, but outside of some very dubious BDSM scenarios, I can't see this ending well.
And the weird part is how almost all of his patients are ambushing him. Maybe this is my modern, scheduling-oriented self speaking, but did people in the 60s and 70s just randomly walk up to councillors and start pouring their hearts out... whereEVER? Or is this just a cultural(ly rude) thing where other people's personal time is not meant to be respected?
Score: 2/5 stars
I think I should make this official:all most popular books give me allergies. No really, you should see how the mere mention of Oprah's name has me break out in literal (i.e. metaphorical) hives. Additionally, I spent three quarters of the allocated reading time dreading having to start the book.... so there was no way I was ever going to like it.
Apparently there are 2 versions of this book, with the 2nd edition (from 2015) being the more "palatable" one for the contemporary reader. Having gone through the first half of the first edition, I can tell you that the general idea remains the same and the overall traditional Christian undertones are still very keenly felt through both versions.
Alternately, I'm told that myBS religious tolerance is ridiculously low, for someone living in a predominantly Christian society. *cue immature raspberry blowing*
- words of affirmation
- gift giving
- acts of service
- quality time
- and physical touch
He also, very daringly, theorises that
For all my hatred of the self-help/self-improvement genre in general, I'm fairly lenient when it comes to qualifications I require from authors writing these books. As long as they're fluent, are not boring me and try to make a modicum of sense, I'm willing to give them a chance. Yes, 9 times out of 10, I end up disappointed but no one can say I didn't at least give them the benefit of doubt.
I mainly view these kinds of books as advice from some "well-meaning" busybody intent on sharing their coping mechanism with the world. Had this book been a 2-page essay, I wouldn't even have considered it all that bad...
The good part is how he explains/illustrates the mistake in difference of communication: like not just lobbing (empty) praises at someone who wants to see action. He also makes a valid point in people not handling the difference between the long-term more sedate pace of love and the initial passionate falling in love phase.
The bad part is in fact mostly due to the specific examples with which Chapman chooses to illustrate his concepts. Though I give him props for changing some of his more sexist anecdotes from the first editions, he still has some very problematic ones.
Off the top of my head, the one where he makes the husband listen by literally repeating the wife's complaints word for word. And later he suggests to a woman whose husband constantly screams and belittles her, that she should have sex with him more often... among other things. Dunno about you, but outside of some very dubious BDSM scenarios, I can't see this ending well.
And the weird part is how almost all of his patients are ambushing him. Maybe this is my modern, scheduling-oriented self speaking, but did people in the 60s and 70s just randomly walk up to councillors and start pouring their hearts out... whereEVER? Or is this just a cultural(ly rude) thing where other people's personal time is not meant to be respected?
Score: 2/5 stars
I think I should make this official:
Apparently there are 2 versions of this book, with the 2nd edition (from 2015) being the more "palatable" one for the contemporary reader. Having gone through the first half of the first edition, I can tell you that the general idea remains the same and the overall traditional Christian undertones are still very keenly felt through both versions.
Alternately, I'm told that my
October 15, 2019
I found this book useful without being preachy and guilt ridden. Gary Chapman is a marriage genius. I felt like I was in couple's therapy without paying hundreds an hour. He used Jesus as an example once, for anyone avoiding religious text.
As we all know marriage is hard and it is a daily choice to love but after the honeymoon bliss is over can we still have a happy marriage? Did the other person suddenly change or did we change without thinking about it?
There's so much static in our daily lives; work, bills, kids, money, climbing the social ladder, other people, resentment, exhaustion etc. We start to take our relationship for granted and it starts to surface as anger and hate.
So in 5 steps you find your way toward a more loving, enjoyable partner bc of the way you love him. Chapman doesn't promise easy; he promises a happier emotional love tank which can make the marriage reborn.
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
QUALITY TIME
RECEIVING GIFTS
ACTS OF SERVICE
PHYSICAL TOUCH
Which fills you up? Which fills them up?
Side note: I discovered WORDS OF AFFIRMATION makes me feel loved.
His first is: PHYSICAL TOUCH and second QUALITY TIME
As we all know marriage is hard and it is a daily choice to love but after the honeymoon bliss is over can we still have a happy marriage? Did the other person suddenly change or did we change without thinking about it?
There's so much static in our daily lives; work, bills, kids, money, climbing the social ladder, other people, resentment, exhaustion etc. We start to take our relationship for granted and it starts to surface as anger and hate.
So in 5 steps you find your way toward a more loving, enjoyable partner bc of the way you love him. Chapman doesn't promise easy; he promises a happier emotional love tank which can make the marriage reborn.
WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
QUALITY TIME
RECEIVING GIFTS
ACTS OF SERVICE
PHYSICAL TOUCH
Which fills you up? Which fills them up?
Side note: I discovered WORDS OF AFFIRMATION makes me feel loved.
His first is: PHYSICAL TOUCH and second QUALITY TIME
August 20, 2020
Chapman used many real-life examples from his own marriage, and of couples that he had counselled across the years, to illustrate the concepts in his book and how they can be applied to address different marriage/ relationship issues and circumstances. These are case studies help us to identify similarities and lessons for our own relationships.
In the book, he also offers 2 pages of additional ideas and suggestions for each of the 5 love languages, as well as separate love language profile surveys for husbands and wives (to identify your primary love language). If you enjoyed the ideas in this article, do get a copy of The 5 Love Languages from Amazon
In the book, he also offers 2 pages of additional ideas and suggestions for each of the 5 love languages, as well as separate love language profile surveys for husbands and wives (to identify your primary love language). If you enjoyed the ideas in this article, do get a copy of The 5 Love Languages from Amazon
October 3, 2015
Before I start in on the reasons why I didn't like this book, let me mention the good parts of it. As someone who just got married, I value ideas about how to strengthen a lifelong relationship, and the book did have some good ideas. It's always good to be reminded that I should be looking for little things I can do to make my spouse happy, that even if I'm happy with everything in a relationship I should be checking in with my spouse to make sure he's happy too, etc.
I've always thought personality quizzes were fun and this book has a certain appeal because of that. There is something fun about trying to discover your "love language" and your spouse's, and see what that says about you both. Just to establish, the 5 Love Languages in the book are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. I can see how in certain instances, thinking about the love languages could strengthen communication in a relationship. For instance, if one spouse really communicates most strongly with physical touch but that doesn't come naturally to the other partner, they might feel unloved until the other partner learns to show love through physical touch.
Finally I appreciated how the book suggested mindful, practical ways to maintain a relationship over time. It talks a lot about the "in love" experience at the start of a relationship and how that's different than developing a lifelong, sustaining love. It reminded me of a quote from an Adrienne Rich poem: "I choose to love this time for once / with all my intelligence." To me, loving with intelligence means that once those crazy feelings of infatuation at the beginning of a relationship subside, and you and that other person start to see each other's flaws, to learn about them as an individual and not an ideal you've built up in your own head, you still choose to love them (or, if you see that they are abusive or mistreating you, etc., you choose to end that relationship and love someone else who respects you).
I think in a lot of our TV shows, books, and movies, there are two kinds of relationships: the young lovers who emerge victorious at the end of a romantic comedy, perfectly in love and just starting out with their lives, or the middle-aged married couple who nag each other and take it for granted that romance and sex are off the table permanently. It's kind of a sad pattern that I definitely don't want to be true in my own marriage. So to circle back to the book, I did appreciate that it was very practical about how to consciously nurture the love in a relationship; it doesn't assume that once the honeymoon is over, things will fall apart.
But I still gave this book a 1-star rating. Even though it brought Adrienne Rich to mind, Gary Chapman is no Adrienne Rich. It's kind of a bumbling mess written by someone with maybe a slight Jesus complex. I noticed that even though platonic love is discussed, every example of a romantic couple in the book is a heterosexual couple and the book presumes, consistently, that the only form of acceptable romantic love is between a man and a woman in a Christian marriage. It was also openly against open or polyamorous relationships. I understand because I am not interested in that for myself--but I wouldn't judge someone who wants a non-monogamous relationship, because it's all a matter of personal choice. I didn't like that the book assumes so much or that Chapman feels he can tell people what's best for them.
I also think too much emphasis is placed on finding your one true love language. Yes, I did just say personality tests are fun, but while reading the book I really connected with several of the love languages described almost equally. It's nice when my spouse compliments me, but it's also nice to hold hands with my spouse, or when he does the dishes for me, or gives me a gift, or when we spend quality time together; I can't really differentiate between the niceness of those different things. Yet the book really insists everyone has one love language and maybe one secondary love language. It smacks of someone trying to sell me something and I don't like that. It's also kind of creepy and weird to read about all these troubled couples who host Chapman in their homes for the night while he's traveling for seminars, just to beg him for marital advice. Reminds me of televangelists who prey on their flock. I'm wary of self-help books to begin with, I only read this one because I've heard good things about it, but it reinforced my view; I don't need to be sold on the idea of love or preached to about it.
My biggest problem, which came close to the end of the book, is one example Chapman gave of how the miraculous love languages work. A woman came to Chapman who was so sick of her marriage, she was on the cusp of leaving, because her husband didn't care about her at all anymore. All her friends were telling her to get out. She said she hated him and asked Chapman, "can you love someone you hate?" Which of course he decided to meditate on by reading the Bible. OK, I can dig it; the Bible has some good quotes and advice even if you're not religious. In fact I have no problem with the words of Jesus Chapman chose to share with this woman--love thy neighbor, treat others as you want to be treated, if you give a measure it will be returned to you until your cup runneth over, etc (I'm paraphrasing because, lazy).
OK so that's all fine. But then Chapman is all, "what's your husband's love language?" and she says "physical touch" and he's like "well you need to touch him and have sex with him more" and she says "but I don't want to" and he says "well yeah that will be hard but just think of Jesus" I AM NOT KIDDING. I laughed as my valuation of the book instantly crumbled before me into sad, atheist dust. It's not directly expressed in the book, but this lady basically hints that her husband is verbally, if not physically, abusive and at the very least totally negligent and uncaring. Well of course the suggestion works and he starts to come around and love her back in her own "love language" but any respect I had for the book disappeared at that point.
Also, even though as I've said I'm all for choosing love and loving with intelligence, some of the suggestions Chapman has are just laughable. For instance, every day you should ask your spouse "how full is your 'love tank' on a scale of 1 to 10?" and then if it's less than 10, you're supposed to do something to "fill their love tank." I'm sorry but I just can't with that childlike, pandering language. You can choose to love mindfully without teetering over into this totally clinical, almost bureaucratic method.
FINALLY, and this review is so long now I know nobody is reading at this point but oh well, all of the advice is totally directed at middle-aged couples who have basically fallen out of love, so a lot of it was not applicable to me. Also, a lot of the advice is the really basic flavor (listen to each other, give your spouse undivided attention, give your spouse little gifts or notes to remind them how much you love them) you could get anywhere, that honestly should just be common sense by the time you're married. And finally finally finally, the "love languages" are nice and all, but I can see so many instances where troubles can arise in a marriage that the love languages couldn't fix. For instance, disagreeing about money/family/politics, if one partner is downright abusive or uncaring or habitually cheating, if a partner withdraws to the point where they won't do anything to help fix the relationship despite how strongly you're speaking their "love language." The end. Phew.
I've always thought personality quizzes were fun and this book has a certain appeal because of that. There is something fun about trying to discover your "love language" and your spouse's, and see what that says about you both. Just to establish, the 5 Love Languages in the book are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts. I can see how in certain instances, thinking about the love languages could strengthen communication in a relationship. For instance, if one spouse really communicates most strongly with physical touch but that doesn't come naturally to the other partner, they might feel unloved until the other partner learns to show love through physical touch.
Finally I appreciated how the book suggested mindful, practical ways to maintain a relationship over time. It talks a lot about the "in love" experience at the start of a relationship and how that's different than developing a lifelong, sustaining love. It reminded me of a quote from an Adrienne Rich poem: "I choose to love this time for once / with all my intelligence." To me, loving with intelligence means that once those crazy feelings of infatuation at the beginning of a relationship subside, and you and that other person start to see each other's flaws, to learn about them as an individual and not an ideal you've built up in your own head, you still choose to love them (or, if you see that they are abusive or mistreating you, etc., you choose to end that relationship and love someone else who respects you).
I think in a lot of our TV shows, books, and movies, there are two kinds of relationships: the young lovers who emerge victorious at the end of a romantic comedy, perfectly in love and just starting out with their lives, or the middle-aged married couple who nag each other and take it for granted that romance and sex are off the table permanently. It's kind of a sad pattern that I definitely don't want to be true in my own marriage. So to circle back to the book, I did appreciate that it was very practical about how to consciously nurture the love in a relationship; it doesn't assume that once the honeymoon is over, things will fall apart.
But I still gave this book a 1-star rating. Even though it brought Adrienne Rich to mind, Gary Chapman is no Adrienne Rich. It's kind of a bumbling mess written by someone with maybe a slight Jesus complex. I noticed that even though platonic love is discussed, every example of a romantic couple in the book is a heterosexual couple and the book presumes, consistently, that the only form of acceptable romantic love is between a man and a woman in a Christian marriage. It was also openly against open or polyamorous relationships. I understand because I am not interested in that for myself--but I wouldn't judge someone who wants a non-monogamous relationship, because it's all a matter of personal choice. I didn't like that the book assumes so much or that Chapman feels he can tell people what's best for them.
I also think too much emphasis is placed on finding your one true love language. Yes, I did just say personality tests are fun, but while reading the book I really connected with several of the love languages described almost equally. It's nice when my spouse compliments me, but it's also nice to hold hands with my spouse, or when he does the dishes for me, or gives me a gift, or when we spend quality time together; I can't really differentiate between the niceness of those different things. Yet the book really insists everyone has one love language and maybe one secondary love language. It smacks of someone trying to sell me something and I don't like that. It's also kind of creepy and weird to read about all these troubled couples who host Chapman in their homes for the night while he's traveling for seminars, just to beg him for marital advice. Reminds me of televangelists who prey on their flock. I'm wary of self-help books to begin with, I only read this one because I've heard good things about it, but it reinforced my view; I don't need to be sold on the idea of love or preached to about it.
My biggest problem, which came close to the end of the book, is one example Chapman gave of how the miraculous love languages work. A woman came to Chapman who was so sick of her marriage, she was on the cusp of leaving, because her husband didn't care about her at all anymore. All her friends were telling her to get out. She said she hated him and asked Chapman, "can you love someone you hate?" Which of course he decided to meditate on by reading the Bible. OK, I can dig it; the Bible has some good quotes and advice even if you're not religious. In fact I have no problem with the words of Jesus Chapman chose to share with this woman--love thy neighbor, treat others as you want to be treated, if you give a measure it will be returned to you until your cup runneth over, etc (I'm paraphrasing because, lazy).
OK so that's all fine. But then Chapman is all, "what's your husband's love language?" and she says "physical touch" and he's like "well you need to touch him and have sex with him more" and she says "but I don't want to" and he says "well yeah that will be hard but just think of Jesus" I AM NOT KIDDING. I laughed as my valuation of the book instantly crumbled before me into sad, atheist dust. It's not directly expressed in the book, but this lady basically hints that her husband is verbally, if not physically, abusive and at the very least totally negligent and uncaring. Well of course the suggestion works and he starts to come around and love her back in her own "love language" but any respect I had for the book disappeared at that point.
Also, even though as I've said I'm all for choosing love and loving with intelligence, some of the suggestions Chapman has are just laughable. For instance, every day you should ask your spouse "how full is your 'love tank' on a scale of 1 to 10?" and then if it's less than 10, you're supposed to do something to "fill their love tank." I'm sorry but I just can't with that childlike, pandering language. You can choose to love mindfully without teetering over into this totally clinical, almost bureaucratic method.
FINALLY, and this review is so long now I know nobody is reading at this point but oh well, all of the advice is totally directed at middle-aged couples who have basically fallen out of love, so a lot of it was not applicable to me. Also, a lot of the advice is the really basic flavor (listen to each other, give your spouse undivided attention, give your spouse little gifts or notes to remind them how much you love them) you could get anywhere, that honestly should just be common sense by the time you're married. And finally finally finally, the "love languages" are nice and all, but I can see so many instances where troubles can arise in a marriage that the love languages couldn't fix. For instance, disagreeing about money/family/politics, if one partner is downright abusive or uncaring or habitually cheating, if a partner withdraws to the point where they won't do anything to help fix the relationship despite how strongly you're speaking their "love language." The end. Phew.
February 14, 2009
I would never have read this book on my own but was urged to read it after a debate with a friend of my roommate. It's written by a marriage counselor and directed towards couples, but it can be applied to all relationships, both romantic and platonic. The author's theory is that there are five major ways to express love (the five love languages). Each of us has a primary love language, and relationship problems occur when others fail to express love to us in that language. It's an interesting theory but WAY oversimplified, and I was extremely bothered by one of the real life stories where the author encourages a wife to stay with an abusive husband and rescue their marriage by learning his love language. That's crap! The book is written from a religious perspective, and I struggled a lot with that as well. Overall, I wasn't so impressed, but I did conclude that my love language is Quality Time, and I've been surprised by how much insight that has provided into how I operate in relationships. For that alone, it gets two stars instead of one.
December 13, 2017
This year I'm doing a Reading Challenge; so I have 26 books with specific subjects that I need to read.
BOOK21: A book that will improve a specific area of your life
I think every married couple should read this at least once.
Do the quiz and know what Love Language your partner speaks.
For the advice given in this book I give Chapman a five star rating.
The writing on the other hand was not that good. He tends to "speak" down to the reader, making you think - I am not that stupid. Also he repeats himself A LOT!
Reading this I think is the easy part: to practice what Chapman suggest is the difficult part.
August 14, 2023
This is a book that everyone should read at least once. it is imperative to know how you need and express love so that you know how to ask for the type of love that you need to feel fulfilled and happy in a relationship. It is also essential to know how to give the love that your partner needs to feel fulfilled so that the balance stays on top.
I love that this book can tie in a dash of religion without being preachy and alienating others! Bravo Gary Chapman!
Definitely worth a read! 4.5 Solid Stars! I already went and bought a copy to share.
I love that this book can tie in a dash of religion without being preachy and alienating others! Bravo Gary Chapman!
Definitely worth a read! 4.5 Solid Stars! I already went and bought a copy to share.
August 10, 2015
The author says love is a choice. He says that the infatuation that people experience in the beginning of the relationship is not real love. It is something else. Real love takes work while the infatuation period is instinctual and effortless. But isn't it the stuff we dream of and wish would last forever? Can we really accept that we will only get that chance at the beginning of the relationship and that thereafter, in order to remain monogamous, we must accept that it is not for us to feel ever again? It explains a lot. But I accept his theory with the angst of a romantic.
Yet anyone who is married and holds married life as a value that must be maintained must at some point consider the notion that making the marriage work after the honeymoon can be a matter of personal choice. And in so choosing, there are actions that communicate that willingness to different people psychologically. These are the five love languages that the author discusses: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Giving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch. I will not go into any details of what is meant by each of these here. The titles are somewhat self-explanatory, with the exception of the last one, which does not necessarily refer to sex. The author explains each love language along with the concept that most people are chiefly responsive to just one. He also discusses how to determine your own as well as your spouse's, and even provides some optimistic advice on how to practice the love languages with an unreciprocating partner. Despite the author's Christian underpinnings, as a non-Christian, to me this did not detract from the relevance of the author's ideas.
In fact, these "love languages" are not confined only to the marriage relationship, but may also serve to strengthen bonds with children - or perhaps any other person you need to communicate your love and support for. I especially found the chapter on children the most valuable because it not only expands the concept beyond the marriage relationship, but also drives home the point. We might have a choice as to whether we wish to stay married or not - but our children are ours forever.
And this brings me back to the point about marriage. Far from being ready to claim mastery of the ultimate male-female partnership, I have reflected upon it a great deal. In an age where the divorce rate challenges the age-old institution upon which the family is built, one must ask how marriages were ever successful in the past. Some may point out that they really weren't, but that society simply forced two people to be miserable by making it taboo to separate. And this then begs the question, why would the world's varied cultures and divinely inspired religions condone this relationship again and again? In fact, I would venture to point out that for the vast measure of our recorded history marriage has not only been a standard, but has also been traditionally arranged! What ancient wisdom allowed such "life-sentences" to form such a firm foundation for the basic building block of society?
I suspect the answer lies right here in this book. As hard as it may be to admit, the commonplace yearning for finding a new and exciting fling is quite likely an unfortunate addiction to a desire that in its very nature is meant to be only a temporary rush that pulls two people inexplicably together at the heart during their initial engagement. It is later, through maturity and insight into what makes the other person tick that we can choose to make each other perpetually happy and foster the bonds of enduring love. This book provides some valid insight into this process. It is light and easy reading that I think every couple should invest some time into, again and again.
MM March 1, 2005
Yet anyone who is married and holds married life as a value that must be maintained must at some point consider the notion that making the marriage work after the honeymoon can be a matter of personal choice. And in so choosing, there are actions that communicate that willingness to different people psychologically. These are the five love languages that the author discusses: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Giving Gifts, Acts of Service, Physical Touch. I will not go into any details of what is meant by each of these here. The titles are somewhat self-explanatory, with the exception of the last one, which does not necessarily refer to sex. The author explains each love language along with the concept that most people are chiefly responsive to just one. He also discusses how to determine your own as well as your spouse's, and even provides some optimistic advice on how to practice the love languages with an unreciprocating partner. Despite the author's Christian underpinnings, as a non-Christian, to me this did not detract from the relevance of the author's ideas.
In fact, these "love languages" are not confined only to the marriage relationship, but may also serve to strengthen bonds with children - or perhaps any other person you need to communicate your love and support for. I especially found the chapter on children the most valuable because it not only expands the concept beyond the marriage relationship, but also drives home the point. We might have a choice as to whether we wish to stay married or not - but our children are ours forever.
And this brings me back to the point about marriage. Far from being ready to claim mastery of the ultimate male-female partnership, I have reflected upon it a great deal. In an age where the divorce rate challenges the age-old institution upon which the family is built, one must ask how marriages were ever successful in the past. Some may point out that they really weren't, but that society simply forced two people to be miserable by making it taboo to separate. And this then begs the question, why would the world's varied cultures and divinely inspired religions condone this relationship again and again? In fact, I would venture to point out that for the vast measure of our recorded history marriage has not only been a standard, but has also been traditionally arranged! What ancient wisdom allowed such "life-sentences" to form such a firm foundation for the basic building block of society?
I suspect the answer lies right here in this book. As hard as it may be to admit, the commonplace yearning for finding a new and exciting fling is quite likely an unfortunate addiction to a desire that in its very nature is meant to be only a temporary rush that pulls two people inexplicably together at the heart during their initial engagement. It is later, through maturity and insight into what makes the other person tick that we can choose to make each other perpetually happy and foster the bonds of enduring love. This book provides some valid insight into this process. It is light and easy reading that I think every couple should invest some time into, again and again.
MM March 1, 2005
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