How is it that some people can just walk into a room, and in moments, you believe they are powerful? I'd always been fascinated by that and how I can weave this mastery over body language, eye contact, and manner of speaking into my own life. Through this book, I feel like I've been given a playbook: To be a charismatic person, you have to give the impression that you have a lot of power and that you like the other person/people a lot. You don't need to impress people, you let them impress you. You don’t need to sound smart; you just need to make them feel smart.
The secret isn't that complicated. You have to truly believe in yourself. When you are able to build a system of self-confidence and resiliency to against detractors that bring you down, your body takes on that mentality. While that sounds obvious and crazy difficult, this book has a number of concrete reframes and exercises you can use to walk that path.
You need to do 3 things for someone to perceive you as charismatic:
* Power - Being perceived as able to affect the world around them
* Warmth - Will use whatever power you have in their favor
* Presence - Has your full attention and you are the most important thing in the world to them at this moment
3 quick tips
* Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences. When you want to sound superconfident, you can even lower your intonation midsentence.
* Reduce how quickly and how often you nod
* Pause for two full seconds before you speak
Increasing your charisma requires first knowing which internal obstacles are currently inhibiting your personal charisma potential. Techniques to do this:
* Mindfulness - Become aware when you are tensing, feeling anxious
* Responsibility transfer - Consider that there might be an all-powerful entity—the Universe, God, Fate—and entrust it with all the worries on your mind. Imagine yourself converting your source of worry into a physical form and giving it to the powerful entity, reliving that burden from you.
* Destigmatizing - Understanding that our worry is normal, common, and nothing to be anxious about or ashamed of. If you’ve just lost a key client, for instance, think of someone you know—a mentor you have a high regard for, or a colleague you respect—who suffered a similar setback. Imagine them going through this experience.
* Neutralize negative thoughts - Recognize that your thoughts aren’t necessarily accurate. The next time you think you see coldness or reservation in someone’s face while they’re talking to you, try to remember that it could simply be the visible signs of their internal discomfort. There’s a good chance that it has nothing to do with how they feel about you or what you’ve just said.
* Rewrite reality - Choose the explanation that is most helpful to us and create a version of events that gets us into the specific mental state we need for charisma. What if this unfortunate, unpleasant experience is absolutely perfect just as it is? A gift? Find ways to be grateful.
Visualization - As it has been proven to help alter our mind state, relive past victories and project future ones. Guided imagery must be precise, vivid, and detailed to be effective. When visualization is used with Olympic ski teams, skiers visualize themselves careening through the entire course, feeling their muscles tensing, experiencing each bump and turn in their minds.
* Play music while you verbalize or subvocalize, choosing songs that you know make you feel especially energized and confident
* Imagine a relevant, more extreme scene. If you have to be warm and empathetic going into a meeting, imagine a young child coming to tell you her troubles at school.
Example - close your eyes:
Remember a past experience when you felt absolutely triumphant—for example, the day you won a contest or an award. ♦ Hear the sounds in the room: the murmurs of approval, the swell of applause. ♦ See people’s smiles and expressions of warmth and admiration. ♦ Feel your feet on the ground and the congratulatory handshakes. ♦ Above all, experience your feelings, the warm glow of confidence rising within you.
Show goodwill
Goodwill is a highly effective way both to project warmth and to create a feeling of warmth in others. When you truly focus on someone’s well-being, you feel more connected to them, it shows across your face, and people perceive you as someone full of warmth. Your charisma quotient soars. When our only aim is to broadcast goodwill, it takes the pressure off. We’re no longer striving, struggling, pushing for things to go in a certain direction. And since we’re less concerned about how the interaction goes, we can both feel and project more charismatic confidence.
* Find three things you like about the person you want to feel goodwill toward
* What if this were their last day alive? You can even imagine their funeral. You’re at their funeral, and you’re asked to say a few words about them. You can also imagine what you’d say to them after they’d already died.
* Smile
Grow self-compassion
Self-confidence is our belief in our ability to do or to learn how to do something. Self-esteem is how much we approve of or value ourselves. It’s often a comparison-based evaluation (whether measured against other people or against our own internal standards for approval). Self-compassion is how much warmth we can have for ourselves, especially when we’re going through a difficult experience. Self-compassion is what helps us forgive ourselves when we’ve fallen short; it’s what prevents internal criticism from taking over and playing across our face, ruining our charisma potential. In this way, self-compassion is critical to emanating warmth.
Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and take two or three deep breaths. As you inhale, imagine drawing in masses of clean air toward the top of your head; then let it whoosh through you from head to toe as you exhale, washing all concerns away. ♦ Think of any occasion in your life when you performed a good deed, however great or small. Just one good action—one moment of truth, generosity, or courage. Focus on that memory for a moment. ♦ Now think of one being, whether present or past, mythical or actual—Jesus, Buddha, Mother Teresa, Muhammed, or the Dalai Lama—who could have great affection for you. This could be a person, a pet, or even a stuffed animal. ♦ Picture this being in your mind. Imagine their warmth, their kindness and compassion. See it in their eyes and face. Feel their warmth radiating toward you, enveloping you. ♦ See yourself through their eyes with warmth, kindness, and compassion. Feel them giving you complete forgiveness for everything your inner critic says is wrong. You are completely and absolutely forgiven. You have a clean slate. ♦ Feel them giving you wholehearted acceptance. You are accepted as you are, right now, at this stage of growth, imperfections and all.
Warm up
* On the day of the marathon, what would you do as you arrived? Would you just stand around until the starting gun and then tear off at top speed? Of course not. You’d probably take care to warm up carefully.
* If, at dinner, you want to broadcast absolute self-confidence, make sure that the day of and especially the hours leading up to the dinner do not include meetings or interactions that could make you feel bad about yourself. Rather than just showing up at dinner, plan a warm-up that will boost your self-esteem: have coffee with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, or plan an activity (play a sport or a musical instrument) that makes you feel competent or accomplished.
* Create your own music playlist for the internal state you’d like to have. You could make one for energy and confidence, one that makes you feel warm and empathetic, and another that makes you feel calm and serene.
* Let’s say that you’re about to discuss a difficult issue with someone who intimidates you. To warm up for the meeting, practice first in your mind, visualizing the scene as you would like it to unfold. Then ask someone with whom you feel comfortable to role-play the situation with you. Make sure you adopt a strong, confident posture. Imagine yourself as a four-star army general reviewing his troops. Take a wide stance, puff up your chest, broaden your shoulders, stand straight, and confidently put your arms behind your back. Practice making your arguments with a strong voice and imposing hand gestures.
* Even if you’re really late to a meeting, it’s worth taking just thirty seconds to get back into the right mental state and body language. Otherwise you risk giving a very uncharismatic first impression.
Types of Charisma
* Focus - They can can feel the intensity of your attention, how keenly you listens and absorbs everything they say. Nonverbal body language makes them feel completely listened to, understood, and respected. Use when you need people to open up and share information. Avoid when you need to appear authoritative or during emergencies when you need immediate compliance.
* Visionary - Make them feel inspired. Project complete conviction and confidence in a cause. Sell on the vision, not yourself. Use when you need to inspire people.
* Kindness - Radiating warmth. Connected to their heart, making them feel welcomed, cherished, embraced, and accepted. Primarily from eyes. Avoid any body language of tension, criticism, or coldness. Use to create emotional bond or make people feel safe and comfortable, deliver bad news. Avoid when needing to appear authoritative.
* Authority - Perception of power, ability to influence others. Clothing that shows status. Take up space, minimal movement, slow speaking, pausing, modulating tone. Use to get listened to and be obeyed, in a criss. Avoid when you want to encourage creativity, or constructive feedback.
Right charisma to use
* How are the people around you feeling? What do they need in this moment?
Building resonance when speaking
* Bounce back - Answer the question with a fact, add a personal note, and redirect the question to them, as follows: Other Person: “So where are you moving to?” You: “To Chelsea [fact]. We fell in love with the parks and the bakeries [personal note]. What do you think of the neighborhood [redirect]?”
* Use "you" - Instead of saying “I read a great article on that subject in the New York Times,” try “You might enjoy the recent New York Times article on the subject.” Or simply insert “You know…” before any sentence to make them instantly perk up and pay attention.
* Relevant metaphors - If they’re into golf and you want to talk about success, speak of hitting a hole in one. If they sail, a catastrophe becomes a shipwreck.
* Pause - Pause. People who broadcast confidence often pause while speaking. They will pause for a second or two between sentences or even in the middle of a sentence. This conveys the feeling that they’re so confident in their power, they trust that people won’t interrupt.
* Modulate tone - Making your voice vary in any of the following ways: pitch (high or low), volume (loud or quiet), tone (resonant or hollow), tempo (fast or slow), or rhythm (fluid or staccato). The lower, more resonant, and more baritone your voice, the more impact it will have. A slow, measured tempo with frequent pauses conveys confidence.
* Stay present in your body and awareness of them
* Use imagery and metaphors - Presidents rated as charismatic, such as Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln, used twice as many visual metaphors in their inaugural addresses as did those rated as noncharismatic. When Steve Jobs launched the iPod Nano, he needed a dramatic way to illustrate its small size and light weight. First, he pulled it out of the smallest pocket of his jeans, giving tangible proof of just how small and slim it was. Second, he compared the Nano’s weight to eight quarters: his presentation slide shows the iPod on one side and eight quarters on the other.
* Positive language - When you tell someone, “No problem,” “Don’t worry,” or “Don’t hesitate to call,” for example, there’s a chance their brain will remember “problem,” “worry,” or “hesitate” instead of your desire to support them. To counter this negative effect, use phrases like “We’ll take care of it” or “Please feel free to call anytime.”
* Mirror body language - Try to mirror the other person’s overall posture: the way they hold their head, how they place their feet, the shifts in their weight. If they move their left hand, move your right hand. Aim also to adapt your voice to theirs in speed, pitch, and intonation. As long as their body is in a certain emotional mode, it will be nearly impossible to get their mind to feel something different.
How to listen
* Be totally attentive, noting when you drift off and come back and reset eye contact
* Breathe deeply
* Don't interrupt
* Let your facial expression react first, showing that you’re absorbing what they’ve just said
* Pause 2 seconds (feel like forever)
* Position well - Avoid a confrontational seating arrangement and instead sit either next to or at a 90-degree angle from them.
* Keep eye contact for three full seconds at the end of your interaction with someone.
Quick Guide
1. take a breath with hand over heart to get present, relaxed, and self compassionate
2. Stand up tall with a smile, feeling confident and warm
3. Recall a prior moment that evokes this mood. Relive it with sights, sounds, movements
4. Envision how I'd like to be. Live it with sights, sounds, movements.
5. Think about the person I'm meeting. Identity 3 positive qualities about them.
6. Look at others in the eyes, pretend they are an expert who you're listening to with rapt attention
7. Listen completely, keeping body tall and warm.
8. React first in face, pause before speaking
9. Articulate what they said back, bottom line to the essence
The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism
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Arthur S. LimaReviewed in Brazil on December 15, 2017
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