I love this book! The key reason is that for the past 40-plus years I have been a student, teacher, author, and mediator or manager of conflict in Christian organizations. So much in this book affirms the approach and system I use. In places it goes beyond and provides new learnings.
A second reason is this book has great, insightful case studies interwoven within the book that makes for a great reading experience. It addresses various geographic, cultural, and organizational settings, and the involvement of a diverse set of people in good conflict and high conflict.
A third is that a foundational case study in the book is an attorney who developed a mediation system for clients in conflict. Often marital conflict when he served as the third-party mediator. But when he got involved in second-party conflict as a primary participant, he could not follow his own advice.
I have experienced that. It is humbling to admit I can handle your conflict, but I have a tougher time handling my own. However, the gap between the two has lessened over the years, and I am grateful.
It is one thing which allowed me to stay engaged with my Christian denomination of heritage as it went through decades of high conflict and is still experiencing it now.
Fourth, I love the references to the historic conflict between the second and third presidents of the USA—John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. The only two signers of the Declaration of Independence who became president of the USA.
I have read and enjoyed immensely biographies and early USA histories that have highlighted their conflict which followed them into retirement from government service—lasting at least two decades.
In their final decade of life, a mutual friend got them started in a reconciling correspondence with one another where they were able to resolve many of their differences with a long view of the birth years of our country.
An irony of their mutual respect that rekindled and grew is that both of them died on July 4, 1826 on the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.
Finally, it suggests one of my favorite techniques which is often helpful when people decide they want to have their conflict managed by a third party. “Give people more than two choices. It doesn’t fix everything, but it reduces the power of the binary. Complexity doesn’t collapse into us and them quite so easily.” (95)High Conflict vs.
Good Conflict? Or Unhealthy Conflict vs. Healthy Conflict
High Conflict: This is “the mysterious force that incites people to lose their minds in ideological disputes, political feuds, or gang vendettas. The force that causes us to lie awake at night obsessed by a conflict with a coworker or a sibling or a politician we’ve never met.” (3)
High conflict splits families, organizations, countries—and in my case churches and denominations. It often involves attorneys, courts, law enforcement, and violence. At the time of this writing, we are experiencing it on college and university campuses throughout the USA.
Normal rules of engagement do not apply in high conflict. Few people even understand the rules of engagement during high conflict and have the emotional and intellectual skills to handle it.
Third parties with appropriate authority must intervene in the right way at the right time in high conflict. Even so, many situations are so messy that a positive outcome is not guaranteed.
“When conflict escalates past a certain point, the conflict itself takes charge. The original facts and focuses that led to the dispute fade into the background. The us-versus-them dynamic takes over. Actual differences of opinion on health care policy or immigration stop mattering, and the conflict becomes its own reality.” (8)
“Wishing your opponent will finally see the light is a fool’s errand. It will only lead to heartbreak. Counting up the other side’s wrongs is a hobby that can last a lifetime. Obsessing over the next election is a delay tactic. Telling people to reject hate and choose love will not work. Because people swept up in high conflict do not think of themselves as full of hate, even if they are. They think of themselves as right.” (19)
Good Conflict: This is typically healthy conflict that looks at issues from various perspectives, while recognizing the different perspectives and figuring out a creative way forward. “It’s a force that pushes us to be better people.” (3) It also helps families, organizations, countries—and in my case churches and denominations to have a better future.
Rules of engagement that can be learned by people involved in good conflict will typically work. A third-party to help with the process will enhance the opportunity for these situations to move forward with relative ease, and new learning for how to deal with diversity of viewpoints.
“In healthy conflict, there is movement. Questions get asked. Curiosity exists. There can be yelling too. But healthy conflict leads somewhere. It feels more interesting to get to the other side than to stay in it. In high conflict, the conflict is the destination. There’s nowhere else to go.” (26)
In Closing
Numerous great techniques are presented in the book. Wonderful and insightful—even dramatic case studies are presented. All of which make me very grateful for this book.
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- Ronald E. PizzoReviewed in Canada on December 26, 2021
What an interesting read
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Massimo BoldracchiReviewed in Italy on October 7, 2021
Che scrive anche della Fede bahai. Fatto raro e molto apprezzabile
Format: HardcoverVerified Purchase - E. ColemanReviewed in the United Kingdom on June 1, 2021
Peace on earth!!
Format: HardcoverVerified Purchase - S KReviewed in India on April 6, 2023
Gives very good insights into conflicts
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