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Plays Well with Others: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Relationships Is (Mostly) Wrong
AN INSTANT USA TODAY and PUBLISHERS WEEKLY BESTSELLER From the author of the Wall Street Journal bestseller Barking Up the Wrong Tree comes a cure-all for our increasing emotional distance and loneliness—a smart, surprising, and thoroughly entertaining guide to help build better friendships, reignite love, and get closer to others, whether you’re an extrovert or introvert, socially adept or socially anxious. Can you judge a book by its cover? Is a friend in need truly a friend indeed? Does love conquer all? Is no man an island? In Plays Well with Others, Eric Barker dives into these age-old maxims drawing on science to reveal the truth beyond the conventional wisdom about human relationships. Combining his compelling storytelling and humor, Barker explains what hostage negotiation techniques and marital arguments have in common, how an expert con-man lied his way into a twenty-year professional soccer career, and why those holding views diametrically opposed to our own actually have the potential to become our closest, most trusted friends. Inside you will learn: And so much more. The book is packed with high-five-worthy stories about the greatest female detective to ever live, the most successful liar to ever open his mouth, genius horses, thieving hermits, the perils of perfect memories, and placebos. Leveraging the best evidence available—free of platitudes or magical thinking—Barker analyzes multiple sides of an issue before rendering his verdict. What he’s uncovered is surprising, counterintuitive, and timely—and will change the way you interact in the world and with those around you just when you need it most.
304 pages, Hardcover
Published May 10, 2022
About the author
Eric Barker
3 books607 followersEric Barker is the author of The Wall Street Journal bestseller
Barking Up the Wrong Tree
which has been translated into more than 20 languages. Over 500,000 people have subscribed to his weekly newsletter. His work has been covered by The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Financial Times, and others. Eric is also a sought-after speaker, having given talks at MIT, Yale, Google, the United States Military Central Command (CENTCOM), and the Olympic Training Center. His new bestseller, “Plays Well with Others,” was released by HarperCollins in May of 2022.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 278 reviews
July 25, 2022
Highlighted lots in this book. Here are some takeaways:
*on reading people:” Instead of passively analyzing people we need to actively listen stronger signals to get more telling reactions “example he will learn more about somebody by playing football than drinking a cup of tea.” The first might get you more information if you can trust what they say but the latter would organically show you how they make decisions and strategize and whether they bend the rules” “ The more facets of who they are will become clear, the wider variety of stimuli you expose them to. “
“Body language is overrated. We can never be certain what is causing what unless we have a baseline. Are they fidgety? Well some people are always fidgety so that means nothing. But other people rarely fidget so that can be very telling. If you don’t know their default you’re just letting your brain spin stories.”
“Our brains have biases and sometimes they are for our own good. Many assume memory operates like a perfect video camera but the truth is memories warp with time. We forget details reconstruct things or change the narrative so that we’re the righteous hero or the innocent victim”
A 2009 study found Americans on average have four close relationships, two of which are friends. We have the most friends when we are young,an average of nine,and it declines as we age. Friends make us happier than any other relationship including spouses. When you survey people in the moment their happiness levels are high as well with friends doesn’t matter if you’re young or old or anywhere in the world this is found to be true. Even within marriage the friendship aspect is the most important part. It’s five times as critical to a good marriage as physical intimacy.
Williams syndrome is perhaps the most endearing disorder. Lower IQ on average but they have some super powers. They never see faces as unfriendly while you and I are skeptical of strangers there are no strangers to people with Williams. Just friends they haven’t met yet. Their genes basically sent oxytocin into overdrive. These people make you feel special.
They have little competence but great interest in you. What about the opposite: a person who has great competence but no warmth desire or empathy? Sociopath. Sadly they are the friend that everybody is nice too but no one invites to birthday parties.
60 hours to develop a light friendship 100 to get to a friend status and 200 or more to unlock best friend achievement. But there is a workaround. And it’s not smiling and bobbing your head as they talk. You can get strangers to feel like lifelong friends and just 45 minutes. How? Vulnerability. Normally we try to impress people when we meet them. Bad idea.
Bringing out the best in bad people. Emphasize similarity. This has a bigger affect on narcissist and non-narcissist. Narcissist love themselves and if someone else likes them they are less likely to want to hurt you. If they try to exploit you don’t react with anger but showing disappointment is more effective. If you say “that hurt my feelings. Is that what you intended?” In most cases they will backpedal.
Difference between the enlightenment era and the romantic era. Enlightenment era was in the 1700s we had rationality, reason. But in the romantic era of the 1800s we emphasized feelings, inspiration and the unconscious. The age of enlightenment was all rules the romantic era hated rules and was all emotions.
“Contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce. Contempt is anything that implies your partners inferior to you, eye rolling is one of the worst things you can do in marriage and that’s backed by data.”
Oops.
Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder. Doing things that cause adrenaline to course through our body with others or with your partner increases relationships.
Gottman found facts don’t matter, it’s all about the spin. How you present your marriage to people whether it’s positive or negative will predict its success.
Popular people are more successful. But there are two types of popular. One is the status which is about power and influence. The other is about likeability. Unfortunately most people want to be popular due to status and only 35% of high status people are very likable. when we devote our time to acquire in power and control we’re not focusing on intrinsic goals like love and connection. Being liked though often means ceding power.
Popularity is a good thing but we are choosing the wrong kind opting for status power and fame over being likable. This doesn’t lead to good things. Lack of community pushes us toward a greater need for control in our lives in relationships and this is unfulfilling.
People feel a better sense of community during war and hard times. They tend to rely on each other more and are less individualistic. For example 9/11 struck “they failed at terrorizing us. we were calm. if you want to kill us leave us alone we will do it by ourselves if you wanna make a stronger attack and we unite”
OK I’m done. Half the battle of reading a book is writing the notes.
*on reading people:” Instead of passively analyzing people we need to actively listen stronger signals to get more telling reactions “example he will learn more about somebody by playing football than drinking a cup of tea.” The first might get you more information if you can trust what they say but the latter would organically show you how they make decisions and strategize and whether they bend the rules” “ The more facets of who they are will become clear, the wider variety of stimuli you expose them to. “
“Body language is overrated. We can never be certain what is causing what unless we have a baseline. Are they fidgety? Well some people are always fidgety so that means nothing. But other people rarely fidget so that can be very telling. If you don’t know their default you’re just letting your brain spin stories.”
“Our brains have biases and sometimes they are for our own good. Many assume memory operates like a perfect video camera but the truth is memories warp with time. We forget details reconstruct things or change the narrative so that we’re the righteous hero or the innocent victim”
A 2009 study found Americans on average have four close relationships, two of which are friends. We have the most friends when we are young,an average of nine,and it declines as we age. Friends make us happier than any other relationship including spouses. When you survey people in the moment their happiness levels are high as well with friends doesn’t matter if you’re young or old or anywhere in the world this is found to be true. Even within marriage the friendship aspect is the most important part. It’s five times as critical to a good marriage as physical intimacy.
Williams syndrome is perhaps the most endearing disorder. Lower IQ on average but they have some super powers. They never see faces as unfriendly while you and I are skeptical of strangers there are no strangers to people with Williams. Just friends they haven’t met yet. Their genes basically sent oxytocin into overdrive. These people make you feel special.
They have little competence but great interest in you. What about the opposite: a person who has great competence but no warmth desire or empathy? Sociopath. Sadly they are the friend that everybody is nice too but no one invites to birthday parties.
60 hours to develop a light friendship 100 to get to a friend status and 200 or more to unlock best friend achievement. But there is a workaround. And it’s not smiling and bobbing your head as they talk. You can get strangers to feel like lifelong friends and just 45 minutes. How? Vulnerability. Normally we try to impress people when we meet them. Bad idea.
Bringing out the best in bad people. Emphasize similarity. This has a bigger affect on narcissist and non-narcissist. Narcissist love themselves and if someone else likes them they are less likely to want to hurt you. If they try to exploit you don’t react with anger but showing disappointment is more effective. If you say “that hurt my feelings. Is that what you intended?” In most cases they will backpedal.
Difference between the enlightenment era and the romantic era. Enlightenment era was in the 1700s we had rationality, reason. But in the romantic era of the 1800s we emphasized feelings, inspiration and the unconscious. The age of enlightenment was all rules the romantic era hated rules and was all emotions.
“Contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce. Contempt is anything that implies your partners inferior to you, eye rolling is one of the worst things you can do in marriage and that’s backed by data.”
Oops.
Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder. Doing things that cause adrenaline to course through our body with others or with your partner increases relationships.
Gottman found facts don’t matter, it’s all about the spin. How you present your marriage to people whether it’s positive or negative will predict its success.
Popular people are more successful. But there are two types of popular. One is the status which is about power and influence. The other is about likeability. Unfortunately most people want to be popular due to status and only 35% of high status people are very likable. when we devote our time to acquire in power and control we’re not focusing on intrinsic goals like love and connection. Being liked though often means ceding power.
Popularity is a good thing but we are choosing the wrong kind opting for status power and fame over being likable. This doesn’t lead to good things. Lack of community pushes us toward a greater need for control in our lives in relationships and this is unfulfilling.
People feel a better sense of community during war and hard times. They tend to rely on each other more and are less individualistic. For example 9/11 struck “they failed at terrorizing us. we were calm. if you want to kill us leave us alone we will do it by ourselves if you wanna make a stronger attack and we unite”
OK I’m done. Half the battle of reading a book is writing the notes.
May 11, 2022
265. That's how many passages I highlighted in Eric's last book, "Barking Up the Wrong Tree". Basically, one continuous highlight. So I pre-purchased this one as soon as I heard it was coming out.
But before you think I'm already sold on this book, remember that it has a lot to live up to (265!). Moreover, you may not know that the topic of relationships has been my beat for the past 17 years. And for the last 10, I've been pounding the pavement as a self-proclaimed Happiness Engineer telling people that deep connection is the key to their happiness. Is this book going to hold up to my unreasonable expectations and exacting scrutiny?
I'm happy to report that "Plays Well With Others" is a delightful guide to enriching your life by strengthening its most important aspect: your relationships. Barker emphasizes research showing we're living in far more individualistic and therefore lonely societies today. So let's do something about that *stat*, since loneliness reduces life expectancy as much as smoking (by a decade—yup, that bad).
In his quest to debunk popular so-called wisdom, Barker divides the book into four parts corresponding to four straw-man proverbs which he seeks to pummel like a piñata till they either perish or yield some sweet morsels of truth: Can you judge a book by its cover? Is a friend in need a friend indeed (and wtf does that mean anyway)? Does love conquer all? Is no man an island?
The 5 chapters in each section then delve into the nitty-gritty of the myth-busting (and sometimes myth-affirming) science. Some choice ones:
• "Every marriage counselor is wrong" about active listening: it simply doesn't work for couples.
• We are truly terrible at reading people. Especially if we try to read body language. We're much better off paying attention to voice intonation.
• "The most commonly cited reason for divorce isn’t fighting or affairs; 80 percent of couples said it was losing closeness."
• "“Quality time” together won’t do diddly if you’re merely making more time to be bored together. The research is clear here: you need to do exciting things."
Fortunately, Barker is kind enough to provide some antidotes after revealing our innate folly — and there's a lot of folly to go around. So: don't just hang out with your partner. Do exciting things together. And to be better at lie detection than a coin flip, "ask unanticipated questions" and "use evidence strategically."
The book truly shines is in its treatment of friendship and love. For example, how do you get away from transactional friendships to something deeper? "Make the time, vulnerably share your thoughts, and raise the stakes." The most useful part is his summary of the work of Dr John Gottman, the god of relationship research. Barker summarizes 40-years' worth of Gottman's findings in a few short chapters than can absolutely change your life—if you apply them. For example, be wary of the Four Horsemen of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Develop detailed "love maps" of your partner. And remember that you need some "healthy delusion" about your partner to keep a relationship strong.
My favorite parts of the book (and probably yours) are the stories that are ridiculous, hilarious, sublime or all three: Carlos Kaiser, the pro footballer who never played; Hector Cafferata, the one-man army; Larry Flynt and Jerry Falwell, besties (who knew?!?); Syndrome K; and printed pillow love, Japanese-style (wow). Some stories may have been at best tangentially relevant to the topic, but hell, I've already told the Viagra origin story twice, and it's still only pub day, so Eric wins.
This is a much-needed book at a time when human relationships have been devalued in favor of individualism, narcissism and achievement. But we need each other now more than ever, especially with a viral pandemic superimposed on a pre-existing pandemic of loneliness. This book makes a persuasive argument for prioritizing connection in our lives, along with practical tools for getting there. Read it for some laughs now and much joy later.
-- Ali Binazir, M.D., M.Phil., Happiness Engineer and author of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible, the highest-rated dating book on Amazon, and Should I Go to Medical School?: An Irreverent Guide to the Pros and Cons of a Career in Medicine
But before you think I'm already sold on this book, remember that it has a lot to live up to (265!). Moreover, you may not know that the topic of relationships has been my beat for the past 17 years. And for the last 10, I've been pounding the pavement as a self-proclaimed Happiness Engineer telling people that deep connection is the key to their happiness. Is this book going to hold up to my unreasonable expectations and exacting scrutiny?
I'm happy to report that "Plays Well With Others" is a delightful guide to enriching your life by strengthening its most important aspect: your relationships. Barker emphasizes research showing we're living in far more individualistic and therefore lonely societies today. So let's do something about that *stat*, since loneliness reduces life expectancy as much as smoking (by a decade—yup, that bad).
In his quest to debunk popular so-called wisdom, Barker divides the book into four parts corresponding to four straw-man proverbs which he seeks to pummel like a piñata till they either perish or yield some sweet morsels of truth: Can you judge a book by its cover? Is a friend in need a friend indeed (and wtf does that mean anyway)? Does love conquer all? Is no man an island?
The 5 chapters in each section then delve into the nitty-gritty of the myth-busting (and sometimes myth-affirming) science. Some choice ones:
• "Every marriage counselor is wrong" about active listening: it simply doesn't work for couples.
• We are truly terrible at reading people. Especially if we try to read body language. We're much better off paying attention to voice intonation.
• "The most commonly cited reason for divorce isn’t fighting or affairs; 80 percent of couples said it was losing closeness."
• "“Quality time” together won’t do diddly if you’re merely making more time to be bored together. The research is clear here: you need to do exciting things."
Fortunately, Barker is kind enough to provide some antidotes after revealing our innate folly — and there's a lot of folly to go around. So: don't just hang out with your partner. Do exciting things together. And to be better at lie detection than a coin flip, "ask unanticipated questions" and "use evidence strategically."
The book truly shines is in its treatment of friendship and love. For example, how do you get away from transactional friendships to something deeper? "Make the time, vulnerably share your thoughts, and raise the stakes." The most useful part is his summary of the work of Dr John Gottman, the god of relationship research. Barker summarizes 40-years' worth of Gottman's findings in a few short chapters than can absolutely change your life—if you apply them. For example, be wary of the Four Horsemen of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Develop detailed "love maps" of your partner. And remember that you need some "healthy delusion" about your partner to keep a relationship strong.
My favorite parts of the book (and probably yours) are the stories that are ridiculous, hilarious, sublime or all three: Carlos Kaiser, the pro footballer who never played; Hector Cafferata, the one-man army; Larry Flynt and Jerry Falwell, besties (who knew?!?); Syndrome K; and printed pillow love, Japanese-style (wow). Some stories may have been at best tangentially relevant to the topic, but hell, I've already told the Viagra origin story twice, and it's still only pub day, so Eric wins.
This is a much-needed book at a time when human relationships have been devalued in favor of individualism, narcissism and achievement. But we need each other now more than ever, especially with a viral pandemic superimposed on a pre-existing pandemic of loneliness. This book makes a persuasive argument for prioritizing connection in our lives, along with practical tools for getting there. Read it for some laughs now and much joy later.
-- Ali Binazir, M.D., M.Phil., Happiness Engineer and author of The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible, the highest-rated dating book on Amazon, and Should I Go to Medical School?: An Irreverent Guide to the Pros and Cons of a Career in Medicine
June 3, 2022
I really enjoy the breezy writing style of this book, it gets to the point and conveys its ideas clearly. At times both light and serious, I’d recommend this as a good primer on the subject of human relations (friendly, romantic or otherwise). Is it revolutionary? No, but it does make the subject accesible and synthesizes quite a bit of writing and research.
December 11, 2023
ชื่อหนังสือไม่จูงใจให้อ่านเลย แต่เนื้อหากลับดีกว่าที่คาดไว้แฮะ 😅😅
ผู้เขียนอธิบายความสัมพันธ์ของมนุษย์ผ่านคำถามสี่ข้อ
- คุณตัดสินคนจากภายนอกได้หรือไม่
- เพื่อนแท้คือเพื่อนในยามยากจริงหรือ
- ความรักชนะทุกสิ่งจริงหรือ
- ไม่มีมนุษย์คนใดอยู่ตัวคนเดียวได้จริงหรือ
คำถามกว้างมาก เหมือนจะธรรมดาแต่ก็ลึกซึ้งมากเช่นกัน
คำตอบทั้งหมดทั้งมวลเริ่มต้นจากวิวัฒนาการของมนุษย์
เหตุผลที่โฮโมซาเปี้ยนส์เป็นผู้อยู่รอดไม่ใช่เพราะฉลาดที่สุดแต่เพราะเรารู้จักร่วมมือและช่วยเหลือกัน
มนุษย์เริ่มต้นจากการเป็นสัตว์สังคม มีเพื่อน มีคนรัก มีครอบครัว
แต่สังคมปัจจุบันมีความปัจเจกเพิ่มขึ้น
โลกออนไลน์ทำให้คนใกล้ชิดกันมากขึ้นแต่ก็เติมไม่เต็ม แท้จริงแล้วเรายังต้องการปฏิสัมพันธ์กับมนุษย์ในชีวิตจริงอยู่
เล่มนี้ช่วยเตือนสติให้เรากลับมาใส่ใจผู้คนรอบข้าง คนที่จับต้องได้จริงที่คอยอยู่เคียงข้างเรา
คนเหล่านี้แหละที่จะช่วยเยียวยาความโดดเดี่ยว ความเศร้าให้กับเรา อ่านจบแล้วรู้สึกอยากไปใช้เวลากับใครสักคนเลย 🙂🙂
“ถ้าอยากไปให้เร็ว จงไปคนเดียว แต่ถ้าคุณอยากไปให้ไกล จงเดินร่วมไปกับผู้อื่น” สุภาษิตแอฟริกา
ผู้เขียนอธิบายความสัมพันธ์ของมนุษย์ผ่านคำถามสี่ข้อ
- คุณตัดสินคนจากภายนอกได้หรือไม่
- เพื่อนแท้คือเพื่อนในยามยากจริงหรือ
- ความรักชนะทุกสิ่งจริงหรือ
- ไม่มีมนุษย์คนใดอยู่ตัวคนเดียวได้จริงหรือ
คำถามกว้างมาก เหมือนจะธรรมดาแต่ก็ลึกซึ้งมากเช่นกัน
คำตอบทั้งหมดทั้งมวลเริ่มต้นจากวิวัฒนาการของมนุษย์
เหตุผลที่โฮโมซาเปี้ยนส์เป็นผู้อยู่รอดไม่ใช่เพราะฉลาดที่สุดแต่เพราะเรารู้จักร่วมมือและช่วยเหลือกัน
มนุษย์เริ่มต้นจากการเป็นสัตว์สังคม มีเพื่อน มีคนรัก มีครอบครัว
แต่สังคมปัจจุบันมีความปัจเจกเพิ่มขึ้น
โลกออนไลน์ทำให้คนใกล้ชิดกันมากขึ้นแต่ก็เติมไม่เต็ม แท้จริงแล้วเรายังต้องการปฏิสัมพันธ์กับมนุษย์ในชีวิตจริงอยู่
เล่มนี้ช่วยเตือนสติให้เรากลับมาใส่ใจผู้คนรอบข้าง คนที่จับต้องได้จริงที่คอยอยู่เคียงข้างเรา
คนเหล่านี้แหละที่จะช่วยเยียวยาความโดดเดี่ยว ความเศร้าให้กับเรา อ่านจบแล้วรู้สึกอยากไปใช้เวลากับใครสักคนเลย 🙂🙂
“ถ้าอยากไปให้เร็ว จงไปคนเดียว แต่ถ้าคุณอยากไปให้ไกล จงเดินร่วมไปกับผู้อื่น” สุภาษิตแอฟริกา
October 13, 2022
Its simply the best book I have read all year, destroys the myth and narrative on what our life is based on. Eric is a science aficionado, so be prepared so your narrative will be challenged.
May 13, 2022
Not really my thing. I was interested in some more actionable advice, or, if not that, then perhaps some interesting and surprising facts about human relationships.
Honestly though, I’ve already heard most of these “surprising” revelations…. And there isn’t much here that’s practical or helpful when it comes to improving your own personal relationships.
It’s not a bad book by any means…. Just not for me.
Honestly though, I’ve already heard most of these “surprising” revelations…. And there isn’t much here that’s practical or helpful when it comes to improving your own personal relationships.
It’s not a bad book by any means…. Just not for me.
July 29, 2022
Great book! I learned a lot of interesting things about people.
Eric Barker is kinda of a cynical/skeptical type, who scored a 4/100 on agreeableness lol so he's pretty interesting to listen to.
Might be worth a re-read to take some notes.
Eric Barker is kinda of a cynical/skeptical type, who scored a 4/100 on agreeableness lol so he's pretty interesting to listen to.
Might be worth a re-read to take some notes.
September 15, 2023
3.5 stars. It's good, it's not great. A lot of it was just fun to hear, only a chunk of it was practical or useful. Felt more pop psychology than actual advice or guidance. It seems like a lot of what Eric Barker does is cite research to be a contrarian and throw expectations or traditions out, then he gives some basic advice research says, instead. I wasn't surprised, that's what he always does. But, it seemed a little more shallow than I was hoping. Some good things, particularly on love.
August 3, 2022
"Can you “judge a book by its cover”? Or is that something only Sherlock Holmes can do on TV?
Is “a friend in need a friend indeed”? And what does that phrase really even mean?
Does “love conquer all”? Or are divorce rates so high for a depressingly accurate reason?
Is “no man an island”? (I have always felt that I was more of an archipelago, honestly.)"
I wasn't sure what to expect of "Plays Well With Others" going in. I am happy to report that it far exceeded any expectations I had of it. It was an excellent book.
Author Eric Barker wrote The Wall Street Journal bestseller Barking Up the Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong, which has sold over half a million copies and been translated into 19 languages. It was even the subject of a question on “Jeopardy!” Over 500,000 people have subscribed to his weekly newsletter. His work has been covered by The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Financial Times, and others.
Eric Barker:
Barker opens the book with a bang, producing a high-energy intro that sets the pace for the rest of the writing that was to follow. He mentions the concept of "active listening."
He's got a great writing style that has no trouble keeping the reader engaged for the duration. A rare ability for most authors to pull off; he drops many humourous tongue-in-cheek asides throughout, in a manner that really worked here. I really enjoyed the author's writing style. Bonus points for his engaging prose.
Interestingly enough, for a book about pro-sociality, Barker mentions that he scored a 4 out of 100 on trait agreeableness. LOL. I'd bet that I'm not that far away from there myself...
The book expands upon the quote at the start of this review, with in-depth writing covering all the above questions.
He also writes that criminal profiling is pseudoscientific nonsense; and outlines the "Barnum Effect"
Plays Well With Others is a science-driven book, coupled with many interesting historical case studies along the way. Barker alternates between scientific examinations, and these case studies, in a format that I also felt really worked.
Some more of what is covered here by Barker includes:
• "Clever Hans" the talking horse
• The science in lie detection.
• Friendships; Williams syndrome. Dale Carnegie's famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
• Narcissism.
• The famous feud between Jerry Falwell and Larry Flint.
• Erectile dysfunction; Viagra.
• Romantic love. Being "madly in love" as an honest signal.
• Marriage failure; divorce. Advice for a successful marriage.
• Loneliness.
• The placebo effect.
*******************
As mentioned; I really liked this one. Barker did a great job of the presentation of this book. It is very well researched, written, and edited.
I would definitely recommend it to anyone interested.
5 stars.
Is “a friend in need a friend indeed”? And what does that phrase really even mean?
Does “love conquer all”? Or are divorce rates so high for a depressingly accurate reason?
Is “no man an island”? (I have always felt that I was more of an archipelago, honestly.)"
I wasn't sure what to expect of "Plays Well With Others" going in. I am happy to report that it far exceeded any expectations I had of it. It was an excellent book.
Author Eric Barker wrote The Wall Street Journal bestseller Barking Up the Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong, which has sold over half a million copies and been translated into 19 languages. It was even the subject of a question on “Jeopardy!” Over 500,000 people have subscribed to his weekly newsletter. His work has been covered by The New York Times, The Atlantic, The Financial Times, and others.
Eric Barker:
Barker opens the book with a bang, producing a high-energy intro that sets the pace for the rest of the writing that was to follow. He mentions the concept of "active listening."
He's got a great writing style that has no trouble keeping the reader engaged for the duration. A rare ability for most authors to pull off; he drops many humourous tongue-in-cheek asides throughout, in a manner that really worked here. I really enjoyed the author's writing style. Bonus points for his engaging prose.
Interestingly enough, for a book about pro-sociality, Barker mentions that he scored a 4 out of 100 on trait agreeableness. LOL. I'd bet that I'm not that far away from there myself...
The book expands upon the quote at the start of this review, with in-depth writing covering all the above questions.
He also writes that criminal profiling is pseudoscientific nonsense; and outlines the "Barnum Effect"
Plays Well With Others is a science-driven book, coupled with many interesting historical case studies along the way. Barker alternates between scientific examinations, and these case studies, in a format that I also felt really worked.
Some more of what is covered here by Barker includes:
• "Clever Hans" the talking horse
• The science in lie detection.
• Friendships; Williams syndrome. Dale Carnegie's famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.
• Narcissism.
• The famous feud between Jerry Falwell and Larry Flint.
• Erectile dysfunction; Viagra.
• Romantic love. Being "madly in love" as an honest signal.
• Marriage failure; divorce. Advice for a successful marriage.
• Loneliness.
• The placebo effect.
*******************
As mentioned; I really liked this one. Barker did a great job of the presentation of this book. It is very well researched, written, and edited.
I would definitely recommend it to anyone interested.
5 stars.
April 15, 2022
Before I even hit the 10% mark, I thought, "Right now, I am not very engaged with this book." Eric Barker wrote a great book previously, so I really wanted to see what he had to say about human relationships. Communities matter a lot. While he manages to surprise the reader again and again, it was unpleasant to read.
I have a psychology degree, so I have been introduced to some of the research Eric draws upon. And I just found the reading experience consistently unpleasantly jarring. I received a review copy from NetGalley and have left my opinion.
I have a psychology degree, so I have been introduced to some of the research Eric draws upon. And I just found the reading experience consistently unpleasantly jarring. I received a review copy from NetGalley and have left my opinion.
April 22, 2023
Thank you to Net Galley and the publisher for the ARC. This was such an interesting read about all types of human relationships by looking at the science. I will keep thinking abut many ideas presented through the research, examples and stories. The one that was new to me and I will keep pondering was the placebo story. If one is curious and open to rethinking what one thought they knew, this book will definitely shift your perspective on how you see the world.
January 9, 2023
In the now-formulaic approach of authors including Adam Grant, Malcolm Gladwell, etc., here's a book that summarizes current research on topics around a central theme. What's different about this one is that the author is actually funny, the writing is quite a bit better than Gladwell and Grant et al., and the way the book flows from chapter to chapter makes it a joy to read. This genre isn't dead yet as long as it keeps getting better in this way.
Read
June 7, 2022A great mix of storytelling and science, this is a jovial look at how relationships work and also, surprisingly, how some of our favourite idioms are both true and false. For example, is no man an island? Eric tries to find out, and in doing so relays some fascinating insights into our relationship to those around us, with a few tips and tricks on how to better foster them along the way.
December 12, 2022
"If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships- the ability of all peoples, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace."
Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Most of us agree that human relationships are important. Many of us think that we're pretty good at them. ("Look at my Facebook friends!") But in reality, we still have plenty to learn about them, which is why we have a loneliness epidemic. Plays Well With Others is an attempt to look scientifically at four areas of human relationships- friendship, love, starting out, and whether we even need them at all. Using scientific research Eric Barker mixes great stories about what makes relationships sound, and how they can go tragically downhill.
Barker is a writer, most well known for his earlier best-seller, Barking Up the Wrong Tree, a fascinating look at success and failure and how we get them wrong. His newsletter is one of the best ones I've ever subscribed to and full of handy tips for living your best life, backed by science. You can subscribe here.
Can you judge a book by its cover? First impressions and initial opinions are unavoidable and occasionally right. But when meeting new people we are wrapped up in our own dramas, and loaded with cognitive biases and prejudices that categorize people by their clothing, skin color, body type, voice, mannerisms, and other external stimuli. Sometimes we're accurate in getting an initial read on someone, but often we aren't, and changing the anchored impressions once their formed is very hard to do.
We often can't read people because they are lying or deceiving us, and we aren't good at catching it. The book gives suggestions on how to keep people honest with unexpected questions, eye contact, and humble curiosity that gets them to open up. On social media, where many of us congregate these days, it's nearly impossible to get a feel for what a person is truly like, and we rely on shortcuts and stereotypes to fill in the spaces.
Is a friend in need a friend indeed? We have a loneliness epidemic, partially because of an increased reliance on screens. Humans are a social animals that are wired for altruism, and the stronger their social circle, the more resilient people will be. Having friends is essential to feel acknowledged and appreciated, and as we age we have fewer and fewer of them. The author states that it takes time and effort to nurture true friendships (100-200 devoted hours of together time), and few of us make the effort. Also in the way- the central relationship paradox- by putting up a fake front we hide the vulnerability that makes us most appealing. Building trust with friends is essential to longevity and happiness, and finding good friends who will be there for you (and for whom you can be there) is a lifelong journey that we are on.
Barker finishes this section with the fascinating story of Larry Flynt and Jerry Falwell, two adversaries who battled in courts over pornography and religion. Late in life they evolved into friends who toured the country together doing debates on moral issues. If there's hope for two loud opposites to cultivate appreciation for each other, there's hope for us all.
Does Love Conquer All? The longest segment of the book looks at love and marriage, and why so many relationships fail. Most marital conflicts never get solved because people are just different. While romance and sex bring couples together, as soon as four years after a wedding things can start to go downhill. Bad feelings can erupt over the simplest misunderstandings, and couples on their own translate those feelings into a negative essence and failure of their partner. Barker talks about negative sentiment override, where hurt feelings from the past keep cropping up in everyday arguments and grow even more negative.
He points to the great work of John Gottman and his four horsemen that predict relationship failure with great accuracy.
- Criticism goes from an action to the person being bad and defective
- Stonewalling means the partners shut down and refuse to deal with the issues
- Defensiveness prevents any self-examination and places all of the blame on the other
- And Contempt is the worst of all- one partner sees themselves as superior to the other.
To combat this, Barker recommends positive sentiment override, and intentional and conscious attempt to rekindle loving feelings from earlier in the relationship. Examples given include:
1- Do things together that are stimulating and challenging. Young people on dates do this reflexively, and it works to bring people together.
2- Find out each others deep values by asking open, thoughtful questions. The famous 36 questions to connection is a good place to start.
3- Use the Michelangelo effect to chip away the BS and find the best in each other. Loving relationships are supposed to help each partner bring out their best. Somehow that attempt gets lost when life gets in the way.
Is No Man An Island? Why are we so lonely in an age of infinite connectivity? The book points to Bowling Alone and its findings that social institutions started shrinking in the late 20th century. Trust in others plummeted during that time, from 77% to only 24% today. When you don't trust most of the people that you meet, it makes it hard to want to take the risks necessary to build relationships. Social media provides a fake sense of connection, and the hard work that's needed to build connection in tough times gets lost when it seem so easy to find the next date or friend in our constantly moving social environment. Fear of missing out keeps us holding out for an unrealistic ideal rather than doing the work and showing vulnerability.
Barker ends with several inspirational stories about how connections saved lives. He shows that much of the placebo effect comes from the connection that people feel when they know someone- a doctor, a therapist, a nurse, cares enough to help them with their illness. Just swallowing a pill without any context or connection doesn't work as well. In times of darkness, people bond together and help each other, as the lepers did on Molokai when left to fend for themselves, or as the Ukrainians are doing right now. And in a story I'd never heard of before, there was a group of doctors in Italy that invented a fake disease, syndrome K, to scare off Nazi's and protect a vulnerable group of Jews taking refuge in their hospital.
Plays Well With Others is a fun, inspirational book, backed by science and entertaining stories. It gave me much food for thought about my own relationships. I highly recommend it as well as Mr. Barker's newsletter.
November 30, 2023
หนังสือเกี่ยวกับความสัมพันธ์ของคน
ระหว่างตัวเองกับคนแปลกหน้า กับเพื่อน กับคนรัก และกับชุมชน
เนื้อหาแบ่งเป็น 4 บทย่อย คือ
1. ตัดสินคนจากภายนอกได้จริง?
2.เพื่อนแท้คือเพื่อนยามยากจริงไหม?
3.ความรักชนะทุกสิ่งจริงไหม?
4.ไม่มีมนุษย์คนใดอยู่ตัวคนเดียวได้จริงไหม?
ผู้เขียนอ้างอิงเรื่องราวต่างๆที่เกิดขึ้นในอดีตรวมถึงการศึกษางานวิจัยใหม่ๆ ในการเขียน ใช้สำนวนการเขียนที่หักมุมไปมา ออกแนวกวนๆ ทำให้เนื้อหาดูน่าติดตามและอ่านเพลิน บางเนื้อหาต้องใช้ความคิดทำความเข้าใจอยู่บ้างแต่ไม่ยากเกินไป
ส่วนตัวชอบบทที่4 พูดถึง ความสันโดษ (solitude) ที่ไม่เท่ากับความเหงา (lonely) และยังยืนยันว่ามนุษย์เป็นสัตว์สังคม และการเป็นสัตว์สังคมทำให้มนุษย์วิวัฒนาการ/อยู่รอดมาได้ทุกวันนี้ อ่านแล้วรู้สึกได้ว่าผู้เขียนใส่อารมณ์ความรู้สึกเข้าไปเยอะ ทำให้บทนี้ออกมาดี รองมาเป็นบทที่1 เพราะเล่นกับอคติของความคิดคน ส่วนบทที่เขียนได้กวนที่สุดยกให้บทที่3
4/5
ระหว่างตัวเองกับคนแปลกหน้า กับเพื่อน กับคนรัก และกับชุมชน
เนื้อหาแบ่งเป็น 4 บทย่อย คือ
1. ตัดสินคนจากภายนอกได้จริง?
2.เพื่อนแท้คือเพื่อนยามยากจริงไหม?
3.ความรักชนะทุกสิ่งจริงไหม?
4.ไม่มีมนุษย์คนใดอยู่ตัวคนเดียวได้จริงไหม?
ผู้เขียนอ้างอิงเรื่องราวต่างๆที่เกิดขึ้นในอดีตรวมถึงการศึกษางานวิจัยใหม่ๆ ในการเขียน ใช้สำนวนการเขียนที่หักมุมไปมา ออกแนวกวนๆ ทำให้เนื้อหาดูน่าติดตามและอ่านเพลิน บางเนื้อหาต้องใช้ความคิดทำความเข้าใจอยู่บ้างแต่ไม่ยากเกินไป
ส่วนตัวชอบบทที่4 พูดถึง ความสันโดษ (solitude) ที่ไม่เท่ากับความเหงา (lonely) และยังยืนยันว่ามนุษย์เป็นสัตว์สังคม และการเป็นสัตว์สังคมทำให้มนุษย์วิวัฒนาการ/อยู่รอดมาได้ทุกวันนี้ อ่านแล้วรู้สึกได้ว่าผู้เขียนใส่อารมณ์ความรู้สึกเข้าไปเยอะ ทำให้บทนี้ออกมาดี รองมาเป็นบทที่1 เพราะเล่นกับอคติของความคิดคน ส่วนบทที่เขียนได้กวนที่สุดยกให้บทที่3
4/5
May 7, 2022
I have read and loved Eric Barker's blog for years, so I was thrilled to get his new book, examining the science of relationships and proving / disproving common advice. It did not disappoint! So many insights, but written in a very digestible and easy to use format. Just as with his blog, he sums each chapter up with a list of key takeaways, which is really helpful for processing the information you learned and actually putting it to use. Although I already knew some of the studies cited, Barker brought them together in a new way, and I appreciated that he takes you on the learning journey with him by pointing out different perspectives even when they don't agree with each other. I didn't remember any of the content from the blog, so it seems to be all new, which was refreshing for a blog-writer-turned-book-author, and Barker made sure each chapter led into the next ("now that we've talked about ABC, let's go on to explore DEF"), which helped keep it engaging. Definitely recommend!
November 26, 2023
Meh. I find the writing style is annoying and his tone obnoxious, albeit somewhat engaging because of that. The research is a mostly summary of gen pop articles, studies, etc. that you may already be familiar with. No major revelations, though some interesting tidbits. But the only thing I remember is that divorce will ruin you forever, especially if you’re a woman. Sad :(
April 25, 2023
Witty and delightful "MythBuster"-style treatment of common assumptions of how relationships work. Easy read, great in audio format. Provides food for thought and chuckles in good proportions.
I would recommend it to others.
I will make sure to check out Eric Barker's first book and a recent release from Tim Urban for more of the same vibe.
I would recommend it to others.
I will make sure to check out Eric Barker's first book and a recent release from Tim Urban for more of the same vibe.
November 9, 2022
This book is a fun and informative read. Barker mixes together stories and science (and his signature wit!) to teach us all a thing or two about how to have better relationships.
November 8, 2022
Cheeky and full of research, insight, and anecdotes into human relationships. Plenty of highlights to go back to and reference later
July 6, 2022
Hilarious and engaging, this book is packed with studies about relationships.
1. Don’t judge the book by it’s cover? True. We are actually terrible at profiling others. But since we do it anyway, we must keep an open mind and be prepared to change our first impressions.
2. A friend in need is a friend indeed. True. It’s the action that counts. Be there for a friend.
3. Love conquers all. Well no. 40% of all marriages end in divorce. Love fades and we need to constantly work for our marriage. Conflicts are inevitable and quarrels are healthy. Stone walking and avoidance are much worse. The most important thing is to look at your partner with rose tinted glasses forever, and keep dating him/her. Do exciting and memorable things together. Think that your partner must be having a bad day when things don’t go well, and attribute nice deeds to your partner.
4. No man is an island. True. Community makes us happy. Fighting for status, fame and wealth makes us unhappy. Hack, people in developed countries are less happy than those in poor countries. Tell stories to form communities. Get involved. Take up responsibilities. Give up individualism.
5 stars!
1. Don’t judge the book by it’s cover? True. We are actually terrible at profiling others. But since we do it anyway, we must keep an open mind and be prepared to change our first impressions.
2. A friend in need is a friend indeed. True. It’s the action that counts. Be there for a friend.
3. Love conquers all. Well no. 40% of all marriages end in divorce. Love fades and we need to constantly work for our marriage. Conflicts are inevitable and quarrels are healthy. Stone walking and avoidance are much worse. The most important thing is to look at your partner with rose tinted glasses forever, and keep dating him/her. Do exciting and memorable things together. Think that your partner must be having a bad day when things don’t go well, and attribute nice deeds to your partner.
4. No man is an island. True. Community makes us happy. Fighting for status, fame and wealth makes us unhappy. Hack, people in developed countries are less happy than those in poor countries. Tell stories to form communities. Get involved. Take up responsibilities. Give up individualism.
5 stars!
October 25, 2022
I really enjoyed this book. This is the author's second book and I LOVED the first one. (Barking up the Wrong Tree). This book is about relationships and how people interact with each other. I follow his blog so I was pretty familiar with some of the content but I still really enjoyed it. I recommend it.
June 30, 2022
For anyone who has to or chooses to have a high level of social interactions, this book is fantastic for formulating a deeper understanding of how humans think, react, and rationalize their behaviors. Eric keeps it light and does not drown you in long stories or data trees. Pick up a copy if you want to further your relationships with other people.
August 29, 2022
Loads of great insights on relationships of all kinds, work, family, romantic and friendships and great storytelling here that helps make it sticky. He loves to use humor so this is easy listening and great fodder for thought and conversation.
His dissecting specific idioms is a clever eay to frame the chapters. "A friend in need is a friend indeed" etc.
Recommend great for all ages!
His dissecting specific idioms is a clever eay to frame the chapters. "A friend in need is a friend indeed" etc.
Recommend great for all ages!
June 21, 2022
Great book to read, or to listen in my case. The writing style is quite entertaining and the narrator does a great job too. It was interesting to learn about the science behind relationships and how history shaped human psychology.
July 5, 2022
Loved this one. Really one of the best books I've listened to this year. Really good for sharpening social skills after being so long in isolation.
October 30, 2022
Three stars for two reasons. First, after reading a few books on relationships, there were parts of the book I had heard before but perhaps,this is inevitable but minus one star nonetheless. Second, I didn't like the jokey tone of the book. I found the research and anecdotes fascinating and felt the casual jargon undermined the wisdom of the book.
For me, the marker of a good book is whether you want to tell others what you learned from it and by that metric, this was great. I was telling someone something at the end of every chapter.
3.5 hours on Kobo - not sure how it was so short but took me a whole month to finish
For me, the marker of a good book is whether you want to tell others what you learned from it and by that metric, this was great. I was telling someone something at the end of every chapter.
3.5 hours on Kobo - not sure how it was so short but took me a whole month to finish
April 18, 2023
I liked it, pretty easy read. However, it didn’t give a lot of solutions for what it touted as the world’s problem of loneliness and being too individualistic. I found that annoying and fatalistic. I did like this quote though:
“Loneliness isn’t about being alone: it’s about not having a feeling of meaningful connection.”
“Loneliness isn’t about being alone: it’s about not having a feeling of meaningful connection.”
July 17, 2022
Всем друзьям уже посоветовал. Поскольку меня читают только эти люди (и мой единственный подписчик, долгих вам лет), считайте это за напоминалку!
October 30, 2022
Entertaining AND enlightening!
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