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Advice Not Given: A Guide to Getting Over Yourself Kindle Edition

4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 868 ratings

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“Most people will never find a great psychiatrist or a great Buddhist teacher, but Mark Epstein is both, and the wisdom he imparts in Advice Not Given is an act of generosity and compassion. The book is a tonic for the ailments of our time.”—Ann Patchett, New York Times bestselling author of Commonwealth 

Our ego, and its accompanying sense of nagging self-doubt as we work to be bigger, better, smarter, and more in control, is one affliction we all share. And while our ego claims to have our best interests at heart, in its never-ending pursuit of attention and power, it sabotages the very goals it sets to achieve. In
Advice Not Given, renowned psychiatrist and author Dr. Mark Epstein reveals how Buddhism and Western psychotherapy, two traditions that developed in entirely different times and places and, until recently, had nothing to do with each other, both identify the ego as the limiting factor in our well-being, and both come to the same conclusion: When we give the ego free rein, we suffer; but when it learns to let go, we are free.

With great insight, and in a deeply personal style, Epstein offers readers a how-to guide that refuses a quick fix, grounded in two traditions devoted to maximizing the human potential for living a better life. Using the Eightfold Path, eight areas of self-reflection that Buddhists believe necessary for enlightenment, as his scaffolding, Epstein looks back productively on his own experience and that of his patients. While the ideas of the Eightfold Path are as old as Buddhism itself, when informed by the sensibility of Western psychotherapy, they become something more: a road map for spiritual and psychological growth, a way of dealing with the intractable problem of the ego. Breaking down the wall between East and West, Epstein brings a Buddhist sensibility to therapy and a therapist's practicality to Buddhism. Speaking clearly and directly, he offers a rethinking of mindfulness that encourages people to be more watchful of their ego, an idea with a strong foothold in Buddhism but now for the first time applied in the context of psychotherapy.

Our ego is at once our biggest obstacle and our greatest hope. We can be at its mercy or we can learn to mold it. Completely unique and practical, Epstein's advice can be used by all--each in his or her own way--and will provide wise counsel in a confusing world. After all, as he says, "Our egos can use all the help they can get."

Editorial Reviews

Review

“Most people will never find a great psychiatrist or a great Buddhist teacher, but Mark Epstein is both, and the wisdom he imparts in Advice Not Given is an act of generosity and compassion. The book is a tonic for the ailments of our time.”—Ann Patchett, New York Times bestselling author of Commonwealth

“Mark Epstein’s
Advice Not Given continues his important, fascinating work in exceptionally lucid language. It also offers its readers a collection of fables, vignettes, and personal revelations with the true capacity to rearrange one’s perspective, even change one’s life. I suspect many of these offerings will stay with me for the long haul, for which I’m very grateful.”—Maggie Nelson, New York Times bestselling author of The Argonauts

“Epstein’s book of practical suggestions will leave readers educated, inspired, and equipped with new tools for psychological health.”Publisher’s Weekly,starred review

“Epstein writes with lightness and reverence. There’s a sense of equanimity and deep trust in the experience of life that’s palpable. If you’ve always wanted to develop a relationship with a kind and reassuring psychiatrist, one who knows your every thought and still accepts you, Advice Not Given will give you a taste of that sort of relationship. You’ll feel a sense of ease and an acceptance of yourself, and for what did and didn’t happen—and for what was and wasn’t said.” – PsychologyToday.com, “The Clarity”

“In
Advice Not Given Mark Epstein shares his remarkably practical wisdom, borne of a brilliant interchange between the fundamentals of Buddhism and the insights of psychotherapy. We all can benefit from this advice, given here freely.”—Daniel Goleman, New York Times bestselling author of Altered Traits and Emotional Intelligence

“There are psychologists influenced by Buddhism and Buddhists influenced by psychology, and then there is Mark Epstein, whose deep and humane reflections on healing and self-understanding weave these two great disciplines into a lovely and nuanced whole. As in his other books, only this time more personally and more passionately, Epstein in
Advice Not Given offers the reader a rare intelligence and honesty. A pleasure to read and contemplate!” —Norman Fischer, poet, Zen priest, author of What is Zen? Plain Talk for a Beginner's Mind

“An integrative pioneer who has done more than anyone to bridge Buddhism with Western psychotherapy, Mark Epstein has now given us a fine distillation of his work,  exemplified by revealing insights from his life and practice. Written in spare and elegant prose, Advice Not Given urges us toward the discoveries and unexpected sources of consolation that each tradition offers. A memorable experience.”
—George Makari, author of Soul Machine: The Invention of the Modern Mind   
 
Advice Not Given is a beautiful reminder of what matters; intimate, moving, insightful, tender and tough. It invites me to a wiser mind and an open heart.” —Jack Kornfield, author of A Path With Heart

“In times of strife, with a nation divided, and the dire consequences of a warming world sweeping over our lives, Mark Epstein is always there to provide us with a roadmap for a journey of transformation, a pilgrim's path where the goal is not a place but a state of mind, not a destination but an all embracing state of peace, salvation and liberation. He is America's physician of the psyche, healer of the mind, avatar of the heart.”
—Wade Davis, author of The Serpent and the Rainbow

“Mark Epstein's
Advice Not Given is a truly wonderful book—it held me in its intelligent, kind, and lucid grip all the way through, and gave me back to the world at the end a refreshing bit more over myself. I can see Buddha and Freud smiling to each other, pleased about what a gracious insight their partnership in mentoring Dr. Mark had enabled him to bring about and offer to us all in such a work. I cannot recommend this work highly enough to anyone who wants to take better notice of what makes human life so exquisitely worthwhile. A true treasure of a guide to being real.”—Robert A. F. Thurman, Jey Tsong Khapa Professor of Buddhism at Columbia University, and author of Man of Peace: The Illustrated Life Story of the Dalai Lama of Tibet

“Extraordinary. Mark Epstein does a remarkable job in bringing together the traditions of Buddhism and psychotherapy into an immensely useful book for our time.”
—Roshi Joan Halifax, Abbot of Upaya Zen Center, and author of Being with Dying: Cultivating Compassion and Fearlessness in the Presence of Death

“Mark Epstein interweaves psychotherapy and Buddhism in ways that help readers further their own personal growth and practice. At once down to earth, caring, suggestive, a sharing of years of work in the front lines of his own person and helping others.”
—Michael Eigen, author of Feeling MattersFaith, and The Psychoanalytic Mystic

 
“For those looking to explore the idea of a Buddhist psychology in greater depth, Epstein has been writing on the topic since his first book was published in 1995.
Advice Not Given is one of his best to date and a perfect place to start.” — Psychologytoday.com

About the Author

Mark Epstein, M.D., is a psychiatrist in private practice in New York City and the author of a number of books about the interface of Buddhism and psychotherapy, including The Trauma of Everyday Life, Thoughts without a Thinker and Going to Pieces without Falling Apart. He received his undergraduate and medical degrees from Harvard University.

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ B073NPJBR1
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Penguin Books (January 16, 2018)
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ January 16, 2018
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • File size ‏ : ‎ 1079 KB
  • Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
  • Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Sticky notes ‏ : ‎ On Kindle Scribe
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 213 pages
  • Page numbers source ISBN ‏ : ‎ 0399564322
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 868 ratings

About the author

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Mark Epstein
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Mark Epstein (born 1953) is an American author and psychotherapist, integrating both Buddha's and Sigmund Freud's approaches to trauma, who writes about their interplay. In his most recent book, The Trauma of Everyday Life, he interprets the Buddha’s spiritual journey as grounded in Buddha's personal childhood trauma.

Bio from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Photo by Jan Benda (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons.

Customer reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
4.5 out of 5
868 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Reviewed in the United States on January 6, 2018
Vine Customer Review of Free Product( What's this? )Verified Purchase
I think this book is easy to understand. Even if you are not a practitioner or fan of Buddhism, Meditation, psychology, Western therapy, I think this book bridges a lot of gaps for a beginner like me. Just as meditation can be learned, and deepened with practice, I think this book has ideas that are helpful for many, even for various low or high levels of experience. Learning from a higher level just might be possible with this book.

The idea for the title of the book is I think reinforced right away by the author writing about such discoveries as his learning through trial and error, how to plant seeds/ideas with patients, and that he does not need to force something on a someone when it isn't perhaps the right time to do so. I'm sure the author reinforced this notion many times over throughout the book.

For me, the notion of Buddhism and meditation has always been favorable in my mind. I am somewhat familiar with the concepts (even learning as I read), and my deceased high school chum made it a point to have her husband mention her practice in the eulogy. Very unusual. This says a whole lot because I respect her.

I like simple truths better than long-winded analyses, and I do not seek them enough. For example, for awhile I followed words the Dalai Lama has said. This book offers some of this sort of simplicity, with the different chosen practices converging together in every chapter. Often, when I am reading about some esoteric ideas an author will appear to simply repeat the same stuff over and over, nothing much really happening. Like fluff. Or the point is never backed up by actual demonstration. This book often spoke to me on a level where I can see the change in someone, and I believed it was for real. Also, even though I didn't always understand the references to Buddha, and others, I am impressed how this was also woven into the chapters.

Intro - Preparing to talk of the Eightfold Path, which includes the following:
The Right View
The Right Motivation
The Right Speech
The Right Action
The Right Livelihood
The Right Effort
The Right Mindfulness
The Right Concentration.
Epilogue - Very nice personal note from the author's heart.

"Right" is explained differently than what I expected. Maybe there is a word or two, but I can't think of any; there were so many different ways this author, Mark Epstein M.D., has found to explain the Eightfold path, and it's parts.

I have been under a lot of stress because of the holidays, and when the author talks about Meditation I didn't feel too bad that I couldn't do it. He explains that he doesn't want patients to have yet another thing they will feel bad about. So in his practice of Psychiatry he broaches carefully the introduction of any idea, including Buddhism, or meditation.

Personally, I need to exercise before I can actually meditate, and I have never had an enlightened moment caused by actually trying to sit and just do it. I will have these moments though in ways that surprise me. Usually, this involves some form of inspiration that comes to me, and I somehow know it just might be good enough to go with. If it isn't the right time I learn and move on. I am always moving, and it is quite impossible for me to intentionally quiet my mind. Still I got a lot about this book because of the wisdom, East meeting west, Buddhism meeting Western therapy!

I always appreciate good books, and this can be read in order or not; sand yet the author intentionally put this book together this way for a reason as he points out toward the end of the book about Right Concentration.

I appreciated the personal stories, and the many examples of others he has interacted with (teachers, practitioners, doctors, colleagues, peers, those he admires. It all ties in with what the author wants to say.

The author was very young to have embarked on his journey to become the professional he is today.

There was one example of a media guy who had anxiety attacks, and he caught on really fast to these ideas. I only wish it could happen like that for me. But most of the examples were very descriptive, and well-represented indeed.

I love it. Enjoy.
37 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on November 15, 2021
I've really enjoyed this book. I've been interested in meditation and Buddhism for a while now and I feel like this book was the perfect combination, while drawing it close to real life.
Mark has such a simple style that is able to deliver powerful messages. He also manages to draw on multiple real life examples and old stories to drive the point further.

He helped explain a few things about concentration and mindfulness that felt very vague to me before. And I've enjoyed how he assures you that even him, after so many years, still struggles with things and it's about continuing the practice. It makes it attainable on a way.

I would also read it again in a while, just to remember some important points about the true essence of letting go. It's also a short read.
4 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on July 30, 2018
i have read several books on Buddhism. I borrowed Advice not Given from the library , read it, then decided to buy it. I like that he gives personal examples from his life, makes the point more clear. Sometimes with books written from a traditional Buddhist point of view, its hard to understand the point from a western point of view without being immersed in the culture. Somethings seem to get lost in translation.
7 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on January 27, 2018
Advice not given: a guide to getting over yourself by Mark Epstein reviewed by Jerry Woolpy

Mark is Jewish with a lot of experience with the philosophy of Buddhism and meditation and he is a practicing analytic psychiatrist. What makes the book readable is that with all that philosophical orientation, Freud, Buddha, and many of their devotees, he is a straight forward and clear demystifier. Being psychoanalytic, it is not surprising that he is ego centered and devoted to the unconscious. Don’t get rid of the ego, because it is essential to effective living, but don’t let it dominate you. Above all do not try to suppress what is bothering you even if you don’t know what it is. Try to recognize it, understand it, and live with it. The book takes on the eight precepts of Buddhism, one chapter at a time, showing how each can be useful in patient therapy. The precepts are: Right View, Right Motivation, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration. In marked contrast to 613 mitzvot Moses brought down from Sinai, which speak to external behaviors to help us get along with each other, Buddha’s Rights are internal ways to cope with an ever-changing universe, and like Moses’, to get along with the vicissitudes.

Jerry Woolpy <woolpy@gmail.com> or jerryw@earlham.edu
55 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on July 14, 2021
It's rare to find an author who bridges the gap between committed Buddhist practice and an inquisitive, deep understanding of Western psychoanalytic practice. I have really benefitted from his books. So many times, the depth of Eastern traditions get watered down in an attempt to "explain" them to a Western audience. Epstein does not do this but, instead, opens the conversation with some of the most helpful aspects of Western approaches to one's particular incarnational "stuff": identity, working with emotions, childhood traumas and how they affect our practice, etc. Just saying that anger is one of the 3 poisons may be true but it's not all that helpful in discovering WHY the emotion keeps coming up. When both approaches are used in tandem, alot more clarity can arise. I've known many, many "highly realized beings" who could have probably used a little therapy to deal with their all too human issues just as not taking life so personally can help when you're rolling around in your own problems.
5 people found this helpful
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Reviewed in the United States on April 11, 2020
If you like pretense and imaginary perfection, don't read this book. If you like humility and authenticity, you may find this to be one of the best books about Buddhism and psychotherapy that you will ever read. I felt very touched by many of the anecdotes shared in this book. It's notable that Mark wrote this book as he found himself approaching old age, a time when impermanence starts to become very real.
One person found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Gabriela Salinas
5.0 out of 5 stars Bravo!
Reviewed in Mexico on September 20, 2018
Excelente!
clwong1264@shaw.ca
5.0 out of 5 stars Road to Contentment is Achievable!
Reviewed in Canada on April 16, 2018
This book answered my quest that eastern Buddhist practices does have a place in western psychotherapy theories. Dr. Epstein was straightforward in his "advice". Dr. Epstein's insight in the Eightfold Path refined my understanding of the Buddha's teachings, and that is, life will continue to challenge us but we have the tools to cope. How we manage them, pivot from them, refocus on our goal to be content is the work in living out our lives. The saying - "Life is what we make of it", is more true than ever. Highly recommend this book to my fellow human beings. The road to contentment is achievable.
9 people found this helpful
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grandma J
5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful and speaks to your life
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 7, 2019
A good clear writer, drawing on both a life time of Buddhist practice and many years as a psychotherapist. Compassionate, easy to understand and powerful.
2 people found this helpful
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Violet1
4.0 out of 5 stars I like it - easy to read and insightful
Reviewed in Australia on April 6, 2018
I like it - easy to read and insightful. A little teeny bit name droppy at times....but i can forgive that.
Marie
5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic book!
Reviewed in Canada on February 7, 2021
Very well written. Makes meditation easier to access and improve.
One person found this helpful
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