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The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups
In The Collapse of Parenting , physician, psychologist, and internationally acclaimed author Leonard Sax presents data documenting a dramatic decline in the achievement and psychological health of American children. Sax argues that rising levels of obesity, depression, and anxiety among young people—as well as the explosion in prescribing psychiatric medications to kids—can all be traced to parents letting their kids call the shots.
Many parents are afraid of seeming too dictatorial and end up abdicating their authority rather than taking a stand with their own children. If kids refuse to eat anything green and demand pizza instead, some parents give in, inadvertently raising children who are more likely to become obese. If children are given smartphones and allowed to spend the bulk of their free time texting, playing video games, and surfing the Internet, they become increasingly reliant on peers and the media for guidance on how to live, rather than getting such guidance at home. And if they won't sit still in class or listen to adults, they're often prescribed medication, a quick fix that actually undermines their self-control. In short, Sax argues, parents are failing to prioritize the parent-child relationship and are allowing a child-peer dynamic to take precedence. The result is children who have no absolute standard of right and wrong, who lack discipline, and who look to their peers and the Internet for direction, instead of looking to their parents.
But there is hope. Sax shows how parents can help their kids by reasserting their authority—by limiting time with screens, by encouraging better habits at the dinner table and at bedtime, and by teaching humility and perspective. Drawing on more than twenty-five years of experience as a family physician and psychologist, along with hundreds of interviews with children, parents, and teachers across the United States and around the world, Sax offers a blueprint parents can use to refresh and renew their relationships with their children to help their children thrive in an increasingly complicated world.
Many parents are afraid of seeming too dictatorial and end up abdicating their authority rather than taking a stand with their own children. If kids refuse to eat anything green and demand pizza instead, some parents give in, inadvertently raising children who are more likely to become obese. If children are given smartphones and allowed to spend the bulk of their free time texting, playing video games, and surfing the Internet, they become increasingly reliant on peers and the media for guidance on how to live, rather than getting such guidance at home. And if they won't sit still in class or listen to adults, they're often prescribed medication, a quick fix that actually undermines their self-control. In short, Sax argues, parents are failing to prioritize the parent-child relationship and are allowing a child-peer dynamic to take precedence. The result is children who have no absolute standard of right and wrong, who lack discipline, and who look to their peers and the Internet for direction, instead of looking to their parents.
But there is hope. Sax shows how parents can help their kids by reasserting their authority—by limiting time with screens, by encouraging better habits at the dinner table and at bedtime, and by teaching humility and perspective. Drawing on more than twenty-five years of experience as a family physician and psychologist, along with hundreds of interviews with children, parents, and teachers across the United States and around the world, Sax offers a blueprint parents can use to refresh and renew their relationships with their children to help their children thrive in an increasingly complicated world.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published December 29, 2015
About the author
Leonard Sax
12 books213 followersLeonard Sax is an American psychologist and family physician. He is the author of Why Gender Matters (Doubleday, 2005; revised edition to be published in 2017); Boys Adrift: the five factors driving the growing epidemic of unmotivated boys and underachieving young men (Basic Books, 2007; revised edition, 2016); Girls on the Edge (Basic Books, 2010); and The Collapse of Parenting (Basic Books, 2015). The Collapse of Parenting became a New York Times bestseller.
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January 24, 2016
It's always a tough call for me to give a book five stars. I'm afraid of overselling something and then disappointing people (although my critical reviews appear to offend more people than my hyperbolic ones). I was also reluctant because the beginning of this book felt like hackneyed, well-trod ground and I wasn't sure I should bother to keep reading. But I did, and this book completely grew on me, with insights that I found original, useful, and truly resonant. So five stars it is.
Leonard Sax, impressively, is a family physician who also has a Ph.D. in psychology. He has been practicing medicine for about 20 years, and has also traveled cross-culturally to examine current developments with children and adolescents. His book is informative and heavily footnoted but also easily readable, which is nice. Sax begins with the problems and then offers some solutions.
Sax starts off by describing a "culture of disrespect" which has developed in America. He reports that schools were once more responsible for imparting cultural rules in the early years, but have changed their focus to academics so that the burden of socializing children falls more heavily on parents than it once did. Alas, parents today suffer from role confusion, wanting to be their child's friend and the object of their affection and confusing authority (which Sax defines as having their opinion valued by their children) with discipline (i.e., enforcing rules). Feeling uncomfortable disciplining too harshly, parents relinquish their claim to authority. As a result, children value their same-age peers' opinions more than those of their parents. Sax makes the interesting claim that this contributes to an increase in anxiety and fragility in children (ironically, sometimes manifested as excessive reassurance seeking from parents in early adulthood after having soundly rejected their opinion in adolescence) because they seek the elusive conditional approval of their friends rather than valuing the unconditional support of their parents.
Sax then takes on a number of contemporary childhood challenges. He writes convincingly about childhood obesity as a function of parents' abdicating authority over their children's food choices. Then there's that topic so close to my heart as a psychologist, the overprescription of psychotropic medication for kids. According to Sax, a number of behavioral problems for which medication is prescribed might be better addressed by turning off devices so that children sleep more at night, teaching children self-control by setting and enforcing limits, and, according to some surprisingly stark research findings, eating dinner as a family. Apparently, at almost every step from zero up to seven evening meals consumed as a family per week, each extra dinner a child has with a parent significantly decreases the risk of emotional and behavioral problems -- not to mention reducing the risk of obesity. Finally, Sax explores possible reasons for American students' underachievement and emotional fragility.
So much for problems. Lest we get too depressed, Sax does move into some possible solutions. He makes a compelling case for bringing back those underrated virtues, self-control and humility. He encourages parents to make changes that will help them actually enjoy time spent with their children. Finally, in one of my favorite chapters, he encourages parents to teach children about the meaning of life which he quotes as meaningful work, a person to love, and a cause to embrace. He challenges the "middle class script," which he describes as work hard in school so you can get into a good college --> get into a good college so you can get a good job --> get a good job and then you will make a good living and have a good life. Of course, this is a script I have been zealously promoting to my four children so I must admit that reading this gave me pause. I'm no fan of poverty and want financial security for my children, so it felt like Sax and I were parting ways here.
But Sax redeemed himself for me when he described what he calls "the Flashdance illusion." Based on the 1980s movie, Sax describes this as, "Go for your dream. If you work hard enough, it will happen. If you build it, they will come." This is a toxic script, says Sax, leading kids to focus on one narrative: "initial failure must be met with the resolve to try harder in the same domain, leading to ultimate success." Instead, Sax advocates being willing to accept failure and try other things. He also advocates finding meaning not through personal success but through character development, and moving away from Hollywood-esque self-absorption and into service and integrity. Achievement vs. happiness is a false dichotomy, says Sax. Instead, have a sense of meaning in your life so that you know why your achievement is worth pursuing.
It's always a good sign when I find myself folding down pages of a book because there are passages I want to remember -- for myself, for clients, etc. Definitely a keeper. Five stars.
Leonard Sax, impressively, is a family physician who also has a Ph.D. in psychology. He has been practicing medicine for about 20 years, and has also traveled cross-culturally to examine current developments with children and adolescents. His book is informative and heavily footnoted but also easily readable, which is nice. Sax begins with the problems and then offers some solutions.
Sax starts off by describing a "culture of disrespect" which has developed in America. He reports that schools were once more responsible for imparting cultural rules in the early years, but have changed their focus to academics so that the burden of socializing children falls more heavily on parents than it once did. Alas, parents today suffer from role confusion, wanting to be their child's friend and the object of their affection and confusing authority (which Sax defines as having their opinion valued by their children) with discipline (i.e., enforcing rules). Feeling uncomfortable disciplining too harshly, parents relinquish their claim to authority. As a result, children value their same-age peers' opinions more than those of their parents. Sax makes the interesting claim that this contributes to an increase in anxiety and fragility in children (ironically, sometimes manifested as excessive reassurance seeking from parents in early adulthood after having soundly rejected their opinion in adolescence) because they seek the elusive conditional approval of their friends rather than valuing the unconditional support of their parents.
Sax then takes on a number of contemporary childhood challenges. He writes convincingly about childhood obesity as a function of parents' abdicating authority over their children's food choices. Then there's that topic so close to my heart as a psychologist, the overprescription of psychotropic medication for kids. According to Sax, a number of behavioral problems for which medication is prescribed might be better addressed by turning off devices so that children sleep more at night, teaching children self-control by setting and enforcing limits, and, according to some surprisingly stark research findings, eating dinner as a family. Apparently, at almost every step from zero up to seven evening meals consumed as a family per week, each extra dinner a child has with a parent significantly decreases the risk of emotional and behavioral problems -- not to mention reducing the risk of obesity. Finally, Sax explores possible reasons for American students' underachievement and emotional fragility.
So much for problems. Lest we get too depressed, Sax does move into some possible solutions. He makes a compelling case for bringing back those underrated virtues, self-control and humility. He encourages parents to make changes that will help them actually enjoy time spent with their children. Finally, in one of my favorite chapters, he encourages parents to teach children about the meaning of life which he quotes as meaningful work, a person to love, and a cause to embrace. He challenges the "middle class script," which he describes as work hard in school so you can get into a good college --> get into a good college so you can get a good job --> get a good job and then you will make a good living and have a good life. Of course, this is a script I have been zealously promoting to my four children so I must admit that reading this gave me pause. I'm no fan of poverty and want financial security for my children, so it felt like Sax and I were parting ways here.
But Sax redeemed himself for me when he described what he calls "the Flashdance illusion." Based on the 1980s movie, Sax describes this as, "Go for your dream. If you work hard enough, it will happen. If you build it, they will come." This is a toxic script, says Sax, leading kids to focus on one narrative: "initial failure must be met with the resolve to try harder in the same domain, leading to ultimate success." Instead, Sax advocates being willing to accept failure and try other things. He also advocates finding meaning not through personal success but through character development, and moving away from Hollywood-esque self-absorption and into service and integrity. Achievement vs. happiness is a false dichotomy, says Sax. Instead, have a sense of meaning in your life so that you know why your achievement is worth pursuing.
It's always a good sign when I find myself folding down pages of a book because there are passages I want to remember -- for myself, for clients, etc. Definitely a keeper. Five stars.
Read
July 2, 2022If I could divide my reviews into "information presented" vs "how information is presented," you'd see two different scores. While Dr. Sax offers solid advice on how to parent (not exactly reinventing the wheel so much as reminding us about the existence of the wheel), the way in which it is presented is, quite frankly, very cynical and borderline insulting to an entire generation of parents & children. I found Sax's judgmental tone extremely off-putting, and while I can stand behind the principles he advocates (empathy, self-control), I found myself skeptical about his specific behavioral recommendations, in large part because they were tiny slices of advice sandwiched in between so many anecdotes about inferior parents (according to Dr. Sax).
For me, the constructive takeaway from The Collapse of Parenting can be boiled down into a treatise about half the size of Michael Pollan's Food Rules. The highlights:
Be wary of medicating children; focus on sleep and behavior and save prescriptions as a last resort (good advice for adults too).
Teach empathy (little advice on how to actually do this, but research not mentioned in the book suggests cultivating a love of reading and literature as an excellent first step).
Teach self-control (again, little practical advice, but when combined with some of what I gleaned from Bringing Up Bébé, create a strict framework that reflects family and cultural values, and within that framework let them have their freedoms).
Limit and monitor use of devices and social media (again, good advice for adults too, though I think the level must vary from child to child).
Be wary of any activity (or person, I'd add) who begins to take up the majority of your child's time/energy. Instead, encourage a variety of activities and interactions (another good way to teach empathy).
And lastly, spend time having fun with your kids, without trying to "be productive." That's probably the best and arguably most important advice in the entire book. That alone might solve a lot of other problems.
For me, the constructive takeaway from The Collapse of Parenting can be boiled down into a treatise about half the size of Michael Pollan's Food Rules. The highlights:
Be wary of medicating children; focus on sleep and behavior and save prescriptions as a last resort (good advice for adults too).
Teach empathy (little advice on how to actually do this, but research not mentioned in the book suggests cultivating a love of reading and literature as an excellent first step).
Teach self-control (again, little practical advice, but when combined with some of what I gleaned from Bringing Up Bébé, create a strict framework that reflects family and cultural values, and within that framework let them have their freedoms).
Limit and monitor use of devices and social media (again, good advice for adults too, though I think the level must vary from child to child).
Be wary of any activity (or person, I'd add) who begins to take up the majority of your child's time/energy. Instead, encourage a variety of activities and interactions (another good way to teach empathy).
And lastly, spend time having fun with your kids, without trying to "be productive." That's probably the best and arguably most important advice in the entire book. That alone might solve a lot of other problems.
February 12, 2016
I typically don't write reviews about my books because I feel they are very personal, so, I let everyone form their own opinions. However this one took me a bit off guard. I believe the authors point of view deserves questioning. I identified with some interviews that I read from the author. I decided to read the book. However when reading the book I really felt like he was more of the Donald Trump of parenting. While trying to deal with some very real problems we have in our country, his approach seems to lack compassion and true understanding of what's happening in each setting. For example, He goes on a rant about technology in classrooms. He claims that teachers feel like students can't be interested unless the classroom seems like a video game. He discounts the idea of progress being the reason why technology is in classrooms and uses shaky reasoning to do so. Most importantly the reason why that is an inappropriate argument is that technology is a necessity. Teachers, as never before, are required to individualize education to every learner. Not because it's cute or because it's fun, but because learners with very diverse needs are all in the same classroom. This is not a situation of coddling because Susie doesn't like to do her spelling work. Another example is he cuts down parents that opt to take a kid's friend on vacation with family. He's just talking opinion and really has no basis of fact behind the statement. Yes, family time is important. Maybe modeling good , healthy, family interactions with other friends around isn't such a bad thing. Of course that's a small example but it stuck out in my mind and something that just didn't seem to make sense or be backed by fact. He glosses over extreme family situations by saying if you disagree with what he has to offer then you probably shouldn't be reading the book. At the heart of the matter the piece of the book I did identify with is that parents should not be afraid to say no. Boundaries are a good thing, however, I think that there are some other parenting books out there that established this without such a myopic point of view.
April 11, 2016
Wait wait wait...Dr. Leonard Sax, could that possibly be a pseudonym? Are you sure you're not...my dad?
Seriously though, Sax's parenting philosophy basically lines up with how I was raised, and how I plan to raise my own kids. So he's preaching to the choir here. If that were not the case, I might have taken more issue with the way he uses personal observations and anecdotes to "prove" his view of the world, the US in particular, going to Hell in a handbasket full of selfies, snapchat, and twerking (you can be such a fuddy-duddy sometimes, Dr. Sax!) Obviously something is wrong with our culture these days, just listen to that awful "music" the young people listen to, and look at their t-shirts, and why don't they cut their hair?
Seriously seriously. Yes yes, I suppose culture has changed even since I was in school. My kids will have access to all sorts of new technology and venues for self-centered self-promotion. Terrifying stuff, the thought of a smartphone in the hands of an unsupervised ten-year-old. But Dr. Sax brings up other ideas, and different perspectives, of things I hadn't thought about (and things he does back up with plenty of scientific studies, not just personal observations). The chapter about the growing percentage of medicated kids in the US (way out of proportion to other countries) is particularly alarming. And I found his link between permissive parenting and older children rejecting their families in favor of their peers really interesting, as it's a topic I've thought about often as I get ready to become a parent myself. Yet his explanation of why this link exists has assuaged my fears somewhat, and all that seems to boil down to being an authoritative parent: loving, yet firm. My parents managed to strike that balance. Hopefully I absorbed enough of their skills to find the balance, too. Just in case, I'm keeping this book in mind as I wade forth...
Seriously though, Sax's parenting philosophy basically lines up with how I was raised, and how I plan to raise my own kids. So he's preaching to the choir here. If that were not the case, I might have taken more issue with the way he uses personal observations and anecdotes to "prove" his view of the world, the US in particular, going to Hell in a handbasket full of selfies, snapchat, and twerking (you can be such a fuddy-duddy sometimes, Dr. Sax!) Obviously something is wrong with our culture these days, just listen to that awful "music" the young people listen to, and look at their t-shirts, and why don't they cut their hair?
Seriously seriously. Yes yes, I suppose culture has changed even since I was in school. My kids will have access to all sorts of new technology and venues for self-centered self-promotion. Terrifying stuff, the thought of a smartphone in the hands of an unsupervised ten-year-old. But Dr. Sax brings up other ideas, and different perspectives, of things I hadn't thought about (and things he does back up with plenty of scientific studies, not just personal observations). The chapter about the growing percentage of medicated kids in the US (way out of proportion to other countries) is particularly alarming. And I found his link between permissive parenting and older children rejecting their families in favor of their peers really interesting, as it's a topic I've thought about often as I get ready to become a parent myself. Yet his explanation of why this link exists has assuaged my fears somewhat, and all that seems to boil down to being an authoritative parent: loving, yet firm. My parents managed to strike that balance. Hopefully I absorbed enough of their skills to find the balance, too. Just in case, I'm keeping this book in mind as I wade forth...
December 29, 2017
Alright, you know what, we're done here.
From what I've read so far, this book is just one big "BACK IN the 1950s KIDS HAD RESPECT" whine-fest. It's being viewed through a nostalgia filter that doesn't take into account the MASSIVE amount of fucked up things that adults were doing to children that was hushed up and never spoken about because "we don't talk about that sort of thing".
First off, honestly, you have to be completely historically illiterate to think that parents didn't have LOADS of concerns about rebellious teenagers in the 1950s (the author cites that as a time when children were unquestioningly obedient to their parents). Their version of rebellion was quite different than what we'd see it as now, but it was there. Literally every generation does this to the younger one: "KIDS THESE DAYS! Girls cutting their hair too short and wearing dresses that expose their ANKLES! SCANDALOUS!"
I've studied history, man, including the history of childhood, and let me tell you: Teenage disrespect and rebellion is a tale as old as fucking time. The only difference is that today, you're not allowed to beat your children with a belt for disagreeing with your almighty authority.
That's another thing that got me: The author cites this study they did in the 1950s, where they asked the kids if they would join a club their friends liked, but their parents disapproved of; and the kids answered that they would air on the side of parents rather than peers. Fifty years later, the answered is reversed; kids said that they wouldn't even consult parents before joining certain things (like social media sites) because their parents aren't technologically literate enough to even understand what they are or how they work.
The way the author paints it, those 1950s kids are just the most angelic little saints, products of authoritative parents and teachers; and the modern kids are spoiled brats who are being disrespectful to their parents by not consulting them or taking their opinions into account.
It's just... I mentioned this in one of my updates, but are you serious? Are you seriously so lacking in critical thinking skills that you don't question the 1950s kids at all? In the 1950s you could beat a kid with a belt until he was black and blue, and the cops wouldn't do shit because "parental authority"- what kid, living in that sort of culture or environment, would admit to an adult administering a survey to them, that they would go against their parents?
THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T.
That's one of those history things I learned: You have to take a LOT of things into account when reading something someone said in the 1950s, because they MAY be answering according to something they think is socially acceptable to be saying instead of saying what they actually feel.
(Welcome to the '50s: Obedient kids who never feel safe to speak a word that they think they're not supposed to. So idyllic, right?)
Let me put this into perspective for you, if I'm not driving it home hard enough: In the 1950s, it was also COMPLETELY socially unacceptable to be gay- you could be committed to an asylum against your will for it because it was considered a mental illness. So if you administered a survey asking a group of men "Have you ever had homosexual thoughts or feelings", do you really, TRULY think that ALL of those men are going to answer honestly?
They're not, because it's not socially acceptable or SAFE for them to do so.
For the same reasons, a child would probably not admit to an adult (who I ASSUME would be administering this sort of survey or questions) that they would put their peers' views over their parents; chances are, those kids KNOW what the socially acceptable response is, and they know that giving the wrong answer to an adult could get them into trouble.
(Which in turn brings up the question as to who administered the survey (if it's someone the kids knew, like a teacher or other authority figure, it would affect their honesty), whether or not it was anonymous (face-to-face interviews where a child could be identified and judged would also impact results), and most importantly, what age the children being tested were; if they were younger they might still value their parents' more than their peers, and if they're older, they would be savvy enough to lie.)
Another thing- I get why social media websites are a problematic element (internet predators and mature content and all that), but what's so controversial about joining a (presumably school or community oriented) club that your parents don't approve of? What's so disrespectful about that? I mean, I could go for the low-hanging fruit here and ask if you're suggesting that it's disrespectful for a child with homophobic parents to join a GSA club, or on a lesser note, a child joining an art-club when their parents insist that they give up the art crap so they can become a lawyer or doctor, but I suspect I'd get some backpedaling on that.
Third, just... I left off at this point, but I feel a need to mention it: The author goes on a rant about how Disney shows encourage disrespect towards adults by depicting them as silly or having them largely absent from the shows, and I just... Did you critically think about this at all, or were you just trying to vilify something you don't like?
There's this thing called humor. Parents are depicted as silly because it's funny. It's not that serious, my God, if you can't comprehend that then at least comprehend that people have a different sense of what's funny than YOU. And the fact that he went after Jesse, which is a show about a girl WHO IS A LIVE-IN NANNY BECAUSE THE PARENTS ARE ABSENT, really shows he's going for the low-hanging fruit, and not even that well.
The other thing, on a more serious note, is that many kids shows tend not to focus on the parents because- hello- it's a KIDS SHOW. Kids identify more with seeing OTHER KIDS, not their parents! And when you have children whose parents are absent, it puts the main (child) character in the position of having to problem solve about things that kids have to deal with on a daily basis- bullying, homework, siblings, etc. You depict children solving kid problems, and you're showing by example that those problems are relatable and workable. CHILDREN'S SHOWS THAT GIVE CHILDREN AGENCY INSTEAD OF HAVING THEIR PARENTS CONTROL THEIR EVERY MOVE ARE GOOD THINGS.
If you have to seriously, without a hint of irony, complain about Disney teeny-bopper shows, I think you need to sit down and reevaluate your priorities and what you think actually, realistically impacts reality.
That's pretty much where I checked out. I'm only 12% of the way through this, but I just can't continue. This is CLEARLY slanted as a "let me complain about KIDS THESE DAYS and make it out like the OLD DAYS WERE SO MUCH BETTER" book, and while I agree that my generation (yeah, I'm a millenial) has a LOT of problems, pretending like the 1950s of ALL TIME PERIODS had the right attitude on kids is not the way to keep my sympathy or attention.
And actually, as a parting bit, let me explain:
Do you know why it is that parenting styles started to change over the decades between 1950 and 2000? It's because the Baby Boomers and the Generation X'ers decided they needed to change their parenting styles, because the way they were raised was completely fucked up.
My parents were Baby Boomers. I have older cousins who are Gen X'ers.
Their generations were the "children are best seen, not heard" generation. They were the "Priests NEVER molest kids" generations. They were the "if someone is physically, psychologically, or sexually abusing you, then you hush up- you're either lying to get attention, or you're lying to get your parents in trouble for using their rightful parental authority over you" generations. They were the "repress every bad thing you feel until you explode" generations. They were the "I earn 'respect' by smacking my kids with a belt" generation of children. They were the "we don't talk about your mother's alcoholism with anyone, I don't care how many times she's screamed at you or hit you or passed out in her own vomit, this is private and we don't need anyone knowing our business, especially doctors or cops."
The Baby Boomers and Generation X kids were horrendously mistreated. They were ignored because they were children, they were denied safety and security and because our culture at the time said, more or less, that parents could do whatever they wanted (short or murder or blatantly horrendous abuse) to their kids because- well, it's my kid! How dare you criticize me for busting my five year-old's lip?! That's MY kid, mind your own business!
That, Author, is why parenting changed.
It's because the kids of those generations realized how screwed up it was that children did not have a voice that they could use to protect themselves from being taken advantage of and abused. It's because those kids grew up, looked at how they were raised, and said, "My child deserves better than that. I want my child to come to me and tell me if their teacher molests them. I want my child to come to me if my ex-spouse is beating them. I want any children in my life to come to me with something they think is wrong, because I've proven that I will trust them and let them speak."
I don't deny that some of that parenting has gone overboard and led to some spoiled brats who think they can mouth off and behave like little assholes whenever it suits them to do so, but that doesn't negate the fact that the reason parents don't exude the same sort of controlling authority over children that they did fifty years ago is because it lead to a lot of very bad things happening to kids.
This book is basically pandering to a group of people who don't get that they're doing exactly the same thing to today's kids that THEIR parents and grandparents were doing to them- the words are different, but it's the same theme, and it completely lacks in self-awareness in a lot of points.
From what I've read so far, this book is just one big "BACK IN the 1950s KIDS HAD RESPECT" whine-fest. It's being viewed through a nostalgia filter that doesn't take into account the MASSIVE amount of fucked up things that adults were doing to children that was hushed up and never spoken about because "we don't talk about that sort of thing".
First off, honestly, you have to be completely historically illiterate to think that parents didn't have LOADS of concerns about rebellious teenagers in the 1950s (the author cites that as a time when children were unquestioningly obedient to their parents). Their version of rebellion was quite different than what we'd see it as now, but it was there. Literally every generation does this to the younger one: "KIDS THESE DAYS! Girls cutting their hair too short and wearing dresses that expose their ANKLES! SCANDALOUS!"
I've studied history, man, including the history of childhood, and let me tell you: Teenage disrespect and rebellion is a tale as old as fucking time. The only difference is that today, you're not allowed to beat your children with a belt for disagreeing with your almighty authority.
That's another thing that got me: The author cites this study they did in the 1950s, where they asked the kids if they would join a club their friends liked, but their parents disapproved of; and the kids answered that they would air on the side of parents rather than peers. Fifty years later, the answered is reversed; kids said that they wouldn't even consult parents before joining certain things (like social media sites) because their parents aren't technologically literate enough to even understand what they are or how they work.
The way the author paints it, those 1950s kids are just the most angelic little saints, products of authoritative parents and teachers; and the modern kids are spoiled brats who are being disrespectful to their parents by not consulting them or taking their opinions into account.
It's just... I mentioned this in one of my updates, but are you serious? Are you seriously so lacking in critical thinking skills that you don't question the 1950s kids at all? In the 1950s you could beat a kid with a belt until he was black and blue, and the cops wouldn't do shit because "parental authority"- what kid, living in that sort of culture or environment, would admit to an adult administering a survey to them, that they would go against their parents?
THEY PROBABLY WOULDN'T.
That's one of those history things I learned: You have to take a LOT of things into account when reading something someone said in the 1950s, because they MAY be answering according to something they think is socially acceptable to be saying instead of saying what they actually feel.
(Welcome to the '50s: Obedient kids who never feel safe to speak a word that they think they're not supposed to. So idyllic, right?)
Let me put this into perspective for you, if I'm not driving it home hard enough: In the 1950s, it was also COMPLETELY socially unacceptable to be gay- you could be committed to an asylum against your will for it because it was considered a mental illness. So if you administered a survey asking a group of men "Have you ever had homosexual thoughts or feelings", do you really, TRULY think that ALL of those men are going to answer honestly?
They're not, because it's not socially acceptable or SAFE for them to do so.
For the same reasons, a child would probably not admit to an adult (who I ASSUME would be administering this sort of survey or questions) that they would put their peers' views over their parents; chances are, those kids KNOW what the socially acceptable response is, and they know that giving the wrong answer to an adult could get them into trouble.
(Which in turn brings up the question as to who administered the survey (if it's someone the kids knew, like a teacher or other authority figure, it would affect their honesty), whether or not it was anonymous (face-to-face interviews where a child could be identified and judged would also impact results), and most importantly, what age the children being tested were; if they were younger they might still value their parents' more than their peers, and if they're older, they would be savvy enough to lie.)
Another thing- I get why social media websites are a problematic element (internet predators and mature content and all that), but what's so controversial about joining a (presumably school or community oriented) club that your parents don't approve of? What's so disrespectful about that? I mean, I could go for the low-hanging fruit here and ask if you're suggesting that it's disrespectful for a child with homophobic parents to join a GSA club, or on a lesser note, a child joining an art-club when their parents insist that they give up the art crap so they can become a lawyer or doctor, but I suspect I'd get some backpedaling on that.
Third, just... I left off at this point, but I feel a need to mention it: The author goes on a rant about how Disney shows encourage disrespect towards adults by depicting them as silly or having them largely absent from the shows, and I just... Did you critically think about this at all, or were you just trying to vilify something you don't like?
There's this thing called humor. Parents are depicted as silly because it's funny. It's not that serious, my God, if you can't comprehend that then at least comprehend that people have a different sense of what's funny than YOU. And the fact that he went after Jesse, which is a show about a girl WHO IS A LIVE-IN NANNY BECAUSE THE PARENTS ARE ABSENT, really shows he's going for the low-hanging fruit, and not even that well.
The other thing, on a more serious note, is that many kids shows tend not to focus on the parents because- hello- it's a KIDS SHOW. Kids identify more with seeing OTHER KIDS, not their parents! And when you have children whose parents are absent, it puts the main (child) character in the position of having to problem solve about things that kids have to deal with on a daily basis- bullying, homework, siblings, etc. You depict children solving kid problems, and you're showing by example that those problems are relatable and workable. CHILDREN'S SHOWS THAT GIVE CHILDREN AGENCY INSTEAD OF HAVING THEIR PARENTS CONTROL THEIR EVERY MOVE ARE GOOD THINGS.
If you have to seriously, without a hint of irony, complain about Disney teeny-bopper shows, I think you need to sit down and reevaluate your priorities and what you think actually, realistically impacts reality.
That's pretty much where I checked out. I'm only 12% of the way through this, but I just can't continue. This is CLEARLY slanted as a "let me complain about KIDS THESE DAYS and make it out like the OLD DAYS WERE SO MUCH BETTER" book, and while I agree that my generation (yeah, I'm a millenial) has a LOT of problems, pretending like the 1950s of ALL TIME PERIODS had the right attitude on kids is not the way to keep my sympathy or attention.
And actually, as a parting bit, let me explain:
Do you know why it is that parenting styles started to change over the decades between 1950 and 2000? It's because the Baby Boomers and the Generation X'ers decided they needed to change their parenting styles, because the way they were raised was completely fucked up.
My parents were Baby Boomers. I have older cousins who are Gen X'ers.
Their generations were the "children are best seen, not heard" generation. They were the "Priests NEVER molest kids" generations. They were the "if someone is physically, psychologically, or sexually abusing you, then you hush up- you're either lying to get attention, or you're lying to get your parents in trouble for using their rightful parental authority over you" generations. They were the "repress every bad thing you feel until you explode" generations. They were the "I earn 'respect' by smacking my kids with a belt" generation of children. They were the "we don't talk about your mother's alcoholism with anyone, I don't care how many times she's screamed at you or hit you or passed out in her own vomit, this is private and we don't need anyone knowing our business, especially doctors or cops."
The Baby Boomers and Generation X kids were horrendously mistreated. They were ignored because they were children, they were denied safety and security and because our culture at the time said, more or less, that parents could do whatever they wanted (short or murder or blatantly horrendous abuse) to their kids because- well, it's my kid! How dare you criticize me for busting my five year-old's lip?! That's MY kid, mind your own business!
That, Author, is why parenting changed.
It's because the kids of those generations realized how screwed up it was that children did not have a voice that they could use to protect themselves from being taken advantage of and abused. It's because those kids grew up, looked at how they were raised, and said, "My child deserves better than that. I want my child to come to me and tell me if their teacher molests them. I want my child to come to me if my ex-spouse is beating them. I want any children in my life to come to me with something they think is wrong, because I've proven that I will trust them and let them speak."
I don't deny that some of that parenting has gone overboard and led to some spoiled brats who think they can mouth off and behave like little assholes whenever it suits them to do so, but that doesn't negate the fact that the reason parents don't exude the same sort of controlling authority over children that they did fifty years ago is because it lead to a lot of very bad things happening to kids.
This book is basically pandering to a group of people who don't get that they're doing exactly the same thing to today's kids that THEIR parents and grandparents were doing to them- the words are different, but it's the same theme, and it completely lacks in self-awareness in a lot of points.
January 14, 2022
The Collapse of Parenting by Leonard Sax MD PhD took me by surprise. I am fascinated by an author who is a board-certified physician and has a PhD in Psychology. The book answered many questions on how to be with a child, a teenager, how to be a proper parent. How to do parental work? Patients and physician consultations are inspiring and eye-opening. The author is against medications as a first choice; on the contrary, he thinks it is the last resort after everything possible didn't work.
October 2, 2016
A must read for all parents!! We are parents for a reason.. we can't just be their friend. They are children and need direction and guidance that only parents can give.. not teachers.. not peers..PARENTS. Although this was a "secular" book it had A LOT of biblical principals: teach your children humility, honesty, hard work, train them up in the way they should go.
April 20, 2016
Sax had me when he referenced The Smartest Kids in the World: And How They Got That Way by Amanda Ripley. Ripley's book confirmed our decision to send my daughter to a school that mirrored to a large extent the educational systems and approaches that are used in other countries that have achieved academic excellence in the education of their students. Now, Sax has confirmed our position that the old school way of parenting is still relevant in today's world.
Sax's basic premise is that kids today are assholes and it's the fault of the parents, who have basically abdicated their responsibilities and let their kids do what they want and to make their own decisions. Schools used to fill this type of void, but with the emphasis on testing and state school rankings, many teachers no longer have the time to focus on teaching kids how to be good kids and decent human beings. When kids receive no adult guidance, they tend to turn to their peers for guidance, who as we know, are not really in a position to teach each other anything.
Sax does a nice job of debunking the need to medicate so many of our children by comparing the percentages of kids diagnosed with social and other psychological disorders with kids in other parts of the world. Whether to medicate is a personal decision for parents, and I have no judgment, but I do find it surprising how many of my daughter's friends (especially the boys) are on some type of medication. What's different now than when we were kids? Why don't kids outside of the US have the same need for these types of medication?
I could go on and on about all of the interesting things that Sax has to say about today's parenting style. Sure he comes off pissed and grumpy, but underneath the surface, his message is very clear. Love your kids, but let them know that you are boss. Spend time with them. Listen to them and make sure that you hold them accountable for their actions. Stop dumping your responsibility on other people and step up and be a parent.
You don't know how often I hear from parents "I don't want to be that kind of parent, who {fill in the blank}." I often reply, "you see, I am that type of parent and I don't feel the need to apologize or otherwise feel badly about it". What are these parents so afraid of? Kids don't know anything except what they learn from others, and if that "other" isn't you, it will be someone else, and likely their peers.
Sax's basic premise is that kids today are assholes and it's the fault of the parents, who have basically abdicated their responsibilities and let their kids do what they want and to make their own decisions. Schools used to fill this type of void, but with the emphasis on testing and state school rankings, many teachers no longer have the time to focus on teaching kids how to be good kids and decent human beings. When kids receive no adult guidance, they tend to turn to their peers for guidance, who as we know, are not really in a position to teach each other anything.
Sax does a nice job of debunking the need to medicate so many of our children by comparing the percentages of kids diagnosed with social and other psychological disorders with kids in other parts of the world. Whether to medicate is a personal decision for parents, and I have no judgment, but I do find it surprising how many of my daughter's friends (especially the boys) are on some type of medication. What's different now than when we were kids? Why don't kids outside of the US have the same need for these types of medication?
I could go on and on about all of the interesting things that Sax has to say about today's parenting style. Sure he comes off pissed and grumpy, but underneath the surface, his message is very clear. Love your kids, but let them know that you are boss. Spend time with them. Listen to them and make sure that you hold them accountable for their actions. Stop dumping your responsibility on other people and step up and be a parent.
You don't know how often I hear from parents "I don't want to be that kind of parent, who {fill in the blank}." I often reply, "you see, I am that type of parent and I don't feel the need to apologize or otherwise feel badly about it". What are these parents so afraid of? Kids don't know anything except what they learn from others, and if that "other" isn't you, it will be someone else, and likely their peers.
February 7, 2016
This parenting book has everything I look for: studies that back up the author's claims, good organization, great writing, and plenty of case studies or examples to illustrate any points. Yet, what really pushed this book into five star territory was that despite the grim and alarming picture the author presented, Dr. Sax also included methods and ways to fix the situation.
What is the situation? Dr. Sax maintains (and I rather agree with him) that parental authority has been eliminated through the rising importance of peer groups and the philosophy of moms and dads who choose to be "friends" with their children rather than strict but loving caretakers. The results are catastrophic in many instances as children have become overly medicated with psychotropic pills, incapable of handling disappointment or failure, or too invested in pop culture and social media at the expense of their family relationships.
Dr. Sax provides compelling arguments and evidence to his claims. Additionally he gives examples he has seen in his own practice. All of which makes this an important book for any parent to read and consider seriously.
What is the situation? Dr. Sax maintains (and I rather agree with him) that parental authority has been eliminated through the rising importance of peer groups and the philosophy of moms and dads who choose to be "friends" with their children rather than strict but loving caretakers. The results are catastrophic in many instances as children have become overly medicated with psychotropic pills, incapable of handling disappointment or failure, or too invested in pop culture and social media at the expense of their family relationships.
Dr. Sax provides compelling arguments and evidence to his claims. Additionally he gives examples he has seen in his own practice. All of which makes this an important book for any parent to read and consider seriously.
July 28, 2022
This was one of the best parenting books I've read lately. My children are now grown but what useful information Dr. Sax shares for parenting today. Lots of tips and statistics. He talks about 3 different kinds of parents and how our parenting truly influences our child's outcomes. Some of this information may be difficult for some to hear. Highly recommend.
April 5, 2018
A convicting and encouraging read for parents. I enjoyed his practical advise for raising children with virtues and getting more enjoyment out of parenting. It's a must read for every parent.
August 30, 2016
I live in a place where some parents will buy their kids drugs and alcohol so they can party at home where it's "safe." Where the last AP Biology final got stricken from the record because of widespread cheating. Where a swim coach got chastised for reprimanding a kid, whose parents then went over his head to complain to the club owner. Where fragile kids need constant snacks, participation trophies, and boosts to their precious self-esteem.
I am so on board with this book. The author builds convincing, data-backed arguments for why we all need to get back to the job of parenting.
***Re-read this for book club and it was even more apt. My youngest had started spouting off about the Kardashians, and I took away her iPod. No more time spent watching dumb videos and memes about folks who would better serve humanity if they were buried in oblivion!
I am so on board with this book. The author builds convincing, data-backed arguments for why we all need to get back to the job of parenting.
***Re-read this for book club and it was even more apt. My youngest had started spouting off about the Kardashians, and I took away her iPod. No more time spent watching dumb videos and memes about folks who would better serve humanity if they were buried in oblivion!
February 16, 2016
Slate does a great review of this book that sums up its flaws, which are pretty substantial. Instead of evidence, Sax gives us anecdote and personal sentiments of the "kids these days" variety to support his theory that parents are not parenting well.
Despite that, Sax hides an occasional nugget of good or well written information. For example, he clearly walks the reader through how leaving screens in a child's bedroom (phone, computer, TV, gaming, whatever) means the parent can't really monitor when the child is using it (maybe at 2 am in the morning) and that might be causing the child to loose sleep which leads to other symptoms. It's a very simple concept and I've seen it referred to before, but never so simply and accessibly as in this book. If you're willing to dig for it, this book does have an upside. It's just quite a dig to get there.
Despite that, Sax hides an occasional nugget of good or well written information. For example, he clearly walks the reader through how leaving screens in a child's bedroom (phone, computer, TV, gaming, whatever) means the parent can't really monitor when the child is using it (maybe at 2 am in the morning) and that might be causing the child to loose sleep which leads to other symptoms. It's a very simple concept and I've seen it referred to before, but never so simply and accessibly as in this book. If you're willing to dig for it, this book does have an upside. It's just quite a dig to get there.
March 30, 2016
For not having or likely ever wanting kids, I sure do enjoy reading parenting books.
March 30, 2016
I can NOT recommend this book enough. I would give it 6 stars if I could. As both a parent and a teacher, this book is priceless and has taught me so much!
November 17, 2016
MUST READ if you're a parent. Or if you have parents. Or if you're a teacher. Or a grown up. This book will remind you of things you already know about being a good parent and teach you a few others. It'll remind you what is important in your relationships with your children and give you the science to back it up. Leonard Sax reminds us we are not here to be our children's friend. We are here to love them and prepare them for their futures. To shape healthy, happy, kind, humble, hard-working children. That's our purpose. And there is NOTHING more important. There are a few new things I hadn't thought about, but most of what the author discusses I have already thought about but hadn't completely implemented in a cohesive way. He organizes his book in such a way as to give us a very straightforward plan and purpose. It's a quick and easy read. (I actually listened to it on Audible and loved it.) And it will inspire you to be a better parent because that's what your children deserve. READ IT!
February 2, 2017
A must read for anyone wanting to become a parent (currently me) or who is already a parent. I greatly appreciated how well supported his opinions were, with countless studies and tests he was quoting. It wasn't just a rant of frustration from a random person, but someone who has been heavily immersed and well versed in the problems and solutions he states in this book. It definitely hits upon some key problems in today's American family and is sobering. I appreciated his secular view of what children should be taught. Self-control, contentiousness, humility - how different our world would be if we all focused on growing in these areas and raised our children with these priorities. Easy and quick read, but so helpful!
February 25, 2016
I loved this book from start to finish. Dr. Sax makes some very astute observations about the youth and parents of today. I especially loved his ranking of parents into categories of Too Strict, Too Soft, and Just Right. Even though, I always try to fall into the Just Right category, I found there were several things I needed to change in my parenting style. He also advocates teaching our children self control and humility. It's important for youth to understand we don't always get what we want. I highly recommend all of Dr. Sax's books. He's one of the few voices of reason left in our society.
January 21, 2018
At the risk of offending people who would feel he's too harsh, I would honestly recommend this book to everyone who is raising children. There is a culture of disrespect among young people which I see a lot of while working in various schools but also in my own home. Dr. Sax points out the ways we as parents are failing to raise respectful, resilient children and fortunately also gives some good advice on fixing that within our own families. A lot of it is not new information to me but rather a good solid reminder. I will definitely be taking away some good ideas for my own family.
October 11, 2018
My wife and I did not know anything about being a parent. My wife might argue that I still don't.
Our son is only four months old. Every day we are learning something new. That is the joy of parenting. We will always be learning. It is the greatest responsibility we will ever have.
Obviously, our parents, friends, and colleagues offered some great advice and some very useful tips on how to help to adjust to this new life and responsibility. Then there are the books...
I had no clue on where to begin. The only thing I knew for sure is that I wanted to raise a person of character, a person who will handle adversity without resentment, a person who can accept failure, dust themselves off, and have the courage to try again, and a person who can find meaning and purpose in life beyond what Dr. Sax refers to as the "middle class script:”
1. Work hard in school so you can get into a good college
2. Get into a good college so you can get a good job
3. Get a good job and you will make a good living and have a good life
Rather, Dr. Sax proposes that the ultimate goal of parents should be to raise a child that can find true meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Sax writes, “If you live in the United States and you want your child to grow up to be happy, productive, and fulfilled, then you will have to parent your child differently than many of your neighbors.” He says that you will have to raise a child where their family ties are stronger than their peer ties.
This book is not for everyone. Don’t get me wrong, I see the result of good parenting all the time. But it’ I enjoyed it because I believe parents should not be friends with their children. I am not my son’s peer. I am his parent. As a teacher, I see this boundary confused all the time. I see many students over-medicated, morally deficient, apathetic, and incapable of handling difficult situations, like receiving bad grades because he or she did not prepare…and then blaming anyone but themselves for their poor performance. The students were not born that way. Bad parenting greatly contributed to their development and I do not want to be THAT parent. That is why I picked up this book.
Why I recommend this book is because Dr. Sax illustrates, from his years as a family physician, the problems with parenting in today’s culture and solutions on how to fix them. In particular, he highlights some of the challenges that are “uniquely American:” our ‘live for now’ culture, over-medication, and over-scheduling. His closing remarks are what spoke to me the greatest. He writes, “To be a wise parent in the United States today, you must understand these challenges. Be the authoritative guide; introduce your child to a worldview more meaningful than “Live for Now.” Resist the pressures to medicate your child except as a last resort rather than the first intervention. Don’t give in to the temptation to overschedule; teach your child that spending relaxed time with family is more important than cramming two or three more extracurricular activities into the week.”
TL;DR -Every parent should read this book.
Our son is only four months old. Every day we are learning something new. That is the joy of parenting. We will always be learning. It is the greatest responsibility we will ever have.
Obviously, our parents, friends, and colleagues offered some great advice and some very useful tips on how to help to adjust to this new life and responsibility. Then there are the books...
I had no clue on where to begin. The only thing I knew for sure is that I wanted to raise a person of character, a person who will handle adversity without resentment, a person who can accept failure, dust themselves off, and have the courage to try again, and a person who can find meaning and purpose in life beyond what Dr. Sax refers to as the "middle class script:”
1. Work hard in school so you can get into a good college
2. Get into a good college so you can get a good job
3. Get a good job and you will make a good living and have a good life
Rather, Dr. Sax proposes that the ultimate goal of parents should be to raise a child that can find true meaning and satisfaction in their lives. Sax writes, “If you live in the United States and you want your child to grow up to be happy, productive, and fulfilled, then you will have to parent your child differently than many of your neighbors.” He says that you will have to raise a child where their family ties are stronger than their peer ties.
This book is not for everyone. Don’t get me wrong, I see the result of good parenting all the time. But it’ I enjoyed it because I believe parents should not be friends with their children. I am not my son’s peer. I am his parent. As a teacher, I see this boundary confused all the time. I see many students over-medicated, morally deficient, apathetic, and incapable of handling difficult situations, like receiving bad grades because he or she did not prepare…and then blaming anyone but themselves for their poor performance. The students were not born that way. Bad parenting greatly contributed to their development and I do not want to be THAT parent. That is why I picked up this book.
Why I recommend this book is because Dr. Sax illustrates, from his years as a family physician, the problems with parenting in today’s culture and solutions on how to fix them. In particular, he highlights some of the challenges that are “uniquely American:” our ‘live for now’ culture, over-medication, and over-scheduling. His closing remarks are what spoke to me the greatest. He writes, “To be a wise parent in the United States today, you must understand these challenges. Be the authoritative guide; introduce your child to a worldview more meaningful than “Live for Now.” Resist the pressures to medicate your child except as a last resort rather than the first intervention. Don’t give in to the temptation to overschedule; teach your child that spending relaxed time with family is more important than cramming two or three more extracurricular activities into the week.”
TL;DR -Every parent should read this book.
April 9, 2017
I wanted to read this book after reading this article: http://www.macleans.ca/society/the-co.... The article gave me some things to think about and made me want more.
Unfortunately, I appreciated the article more than I appreciated the book that inspired it. It was hard for me to listen to Sax, because I felt like he made unfair generalities and came across as someone who saw the good-ol'-days with rose-colored glasses and the present generation through a very non-understanding lens. I also thought this book would be very discouraging to a parent whose child had a legitimate diagnosis of autism or some other similar challenge. I put Sax in the same category as John Rosemond, if you're familiar with his parenting advice: very old-school, painting with a broad brush, negative toward the present generation and nostalgic about past generations. Unfortunately, the style is a turn-off to the very generation that just might need a little balance toward his perspective.
Unfortunately, I appreciated the article more than I appreciated the book that inspired it. It was hard for me to listen to Sax, because I felt like he made unfair generalities and came across as someone who saw the good-ol'-days with rose-colored glasses and the present generation through a very non-understanding lens. I also thought this book would be very discouraging to a parent whose child had a legitimate diagnosis of autism or some other similar challenge. I put Sax in the same category as John Rosemond, if you're familiar with his parenting advice: very old-school, painting with a broad brush, negative toward the present generation and nostalgic about past generations. Unfortunately, the style is a turn-off to the very generation that just might need a little balance toward his perspective.
September 7, 2016
This one is hard to rate as I agree with much of what the author is teaching, but that he presents it in a very repetitive fashion and seems to see only one way that can exist. After spending way too many pages touting research he draws some conclusions that don't quite bridge the gap from the research. This book contains much information for parents to consider and think about in how they do things in their own homes, but does not necessarily discuss ways to help your children learn things like empathy and humility. This is yet another parenting book where some of the advice will only work for small families, but has much less of that than many parenting books, which I label "how to parent one or two children" books. Overall, the book helped me feel like I am doing a pretty good job, so, naturally, I want to agree with it!
May 3, 2018
Book 18. GREAT read for people who are noticing (and tired of) parents who aren’t being parents and children who are growing into disrespectful, fragile adults who lack know how and confidence to succeed and find fulfillment in life. Definitely a read for the office shelf for parents seeking counsel.
February 12, 2016
Preachy and predictable. Best summarized in telling parents to make their kids eat broccoli before they get dessert. He makes that point over and over. I agree with most everything he said, but his writing style and lack of interesting facts or anecdotes made me completely lose interest.
February 3, 2019
5++++++++ stars.
If you have a child at home, no matter their age, get this book. I'm actually sort of appalled that there's only one copy of this book at my library, I wish there was more demand for it, though I guess since I'd never heard of it except through some random blog surfing this past week, I should understand, but I shall change that, get this book, parents!
There were numerous times I had to stop and read something to my husband to back up some thoughts I'd been opining about the last few years, some things that were confusing me about the world today and how people act, and this author gave me clarity with research on what was going on. I've been feeling a bit hopeless for the world I'm sending my children out into, for example the bar for employment right now is so low that many employers are just hoping for someone who shows up on time and isn't on their phone all day long. How did the bar for our young people get so low?
Though I've already been the Uncool Parent plenty, meaning, I'm on the right track, this book helped me figure out where I can be better, how to produce children of integrity, how to grow them into adults who will truly be happy once they grow up, to help train them to be way above that bar employers are desperate for.
I think some of this book's advice is likely shouting at parents from their subconscious, but the culture is shouting louder or our busy schedules are drowning it out as we desperately are trying to tread water. Don't let this culture where future employers are only hoping your kid isn't addicted to his phone determine your parenting. Read this book and see that it isn't working backed up statistically, don't get sucked into what everyone else is doing. Do the hard thing that only you can do for your children. Unfortunately, I can't parent every child whose parent needs the info in this book, I can only shape the three I have, so I'll just pray more people get a hold of this book and take it to heart so my kids' future world looks a bit better than it feels like it'll be at this moment.
And you know what, if you do the hard things in this book, the parenting he recommends, your kids may "hate" you to begin with, but in the long run, your kids will love you, you'll enjoy them more than you ever have. I simply did one thing today that was in the book. He called out mothers for multi-tasking the time we spend enjoying our kids, so today, I refused to do that. Today was a good day. :)
If you have a child at home, no matter their age, get this book. I'm actually sort of appalled that there's only one copy of this book at my library, I wish there was more demand for it, though I guess since I'd never heard of it except through some random blog surfing this past week, I should understand, but I shall change that, get this book, parents!
There were numerous times I had to stop and read something to my husband to back up some thoughts I'd been opining about the last few years, some things that were confusing me about the world today and how people act, and this author gave me clarity with research on what was going on. I've been feeling a bit hopeless for the world I'm sending my children out into, for example the bar for employment right now is so low that many employers are just hoping for someone who shows up on time and isn't on their phone all day long. How did the bar for our young people get so low?
Though I've already been the Uncool Parent plenty, meaning, I'm on the right track, this book helped me figure out where I can be better, how to produce children of integrity, how to grow them into adults who will truly be happy once they grow up, to help train them to be way above that bar employers are desperate for.
I think some of this book's advice is likely shouting at parents from their subconscious, but the culture is shouting louder or our busy schedules are drowning it out as we desperately are trying to tread water. Don't let this culture where future employers are only hoping your kid isn't addicted to his phone determine your parenting. Read this book and see that it isn't working backed up statistically, don't get sucked into what everyone else is doing. Do the hard thing that only you can do for your children. Unfortunately, I can't parent every child whose parent needs the info in this book, I can only shape the three I have, so I'll just pray more people get a hold of this book and take it to heart so my kids' future world looks a bit better than it feels like it'll be at this moment.
And you know what, if you do the hard things in this book, the parenting he recommends, your kids may "hate" you to begin with, but in the long run, your kids will love you, you'll enjoy them more than you ever have. I simply did one thing today that was in the book. He called out mothers for multi-tasking the time we spend enjoying our kids, so today, I refused to do that. Today was a good day. :)
June 12, 2023
I liked the examples he gave of families (and kids) he’s worked with. He also gave good practice advice and tips based off of research. Of course, there’s a few things to take with a grain of salt/to make your own. Thought the ideas on respect, parent-child relationship priority over peers, sleep, schools, and over-medicating was most interesting and applicable.
April 20, 2019
3.5 stars...Collapse was another insightful parenting book, this time written by an MD who’s been in family practice for years. I’m amazed at how many of the problems identified the three parenting books I’ve read recently overlap even though they’re from different perspectives: spiritual, political/academic, & now medical. It’s like the authors consulted with each other, even though I know they didn’t. ;)
June 9, 2023
Great book. Really gave me a lot of great insights into parenting. It’s important to set and enforce boundaries for our children. There’s an art to raising resilient children in a culture that’s set up to put value in all the wrong things. If we don’t take control as parents, our kids will go with the flow.
September 4, 2020
This book is excellent! I would recommend this to parents with children of all ages. After reading just a couple of chapters from my library copy, I ordered my own copy. I don’t buy many books for myself but this is one that I know I will come back to.
March 26, 2016
This is another intensely logical book by Dr. Sax on how to raise your children right. It not only offers explanations as to why American kids are so disrespectful and fragile, but offers solutions as well.
“Teachers in these high-end schools now routinely pass out wireless clickers to students for instant polling. In the most successful countries, the classrooms are typically ‘utilitarian and sparse’ with no digital gadgets. Ripley notes that in countries which outperform the United States, the board at the front of the classroom is ‘not connected to anything but the wall . . . Americans waste an extraordinary amount of tax money on high-tech toys for teachers and students, most of which have no proven learning value whatsoever. In most of the countries that score ahead of us on the PISA, ‘technology is remarkably absent from the classrooms’” (85).
“In Finland, the teacher-training colleges are highly selective. Being admitted to a teacher-training program in Finland is as prestigious as getting into medical school in the United States. In the United States, almost any high school graduate can quality to become a teacher. Ripley writes, ‘Incredibly, at some U.S. colleges, students [have] to meet higher academic standards to play football than to become teachers’” (86).
“The main mechanisms by which contemporary American culture today asserts its primacy in the hearts of American kids are the Internet and the mobile phone . . . Now you start to see the real harm of the 9-year-old with a mobile phone, talking to her friends or texting them. The more time she spends connecting with her friends, the more likely she is to look to them for guidance about what matters and what doesn’t” (110).
“Why are American kids today so fragile? The fundamental reason is the breaking of the bonds across generations, so that kids now value the opinions of same-age peers or their own self-constructed self-concept more than they care about the good regard of their parents and other adults . . . Failure comes to us all. The willingness to fail, and then to move on with no loss of enthusiasm, is a mark of character. The opposite of fragility, as we have discussed fragility in this chapter, is the willingness to fail. When kids are secure in the unconditional acceptance of their parents, they can find the courage to venture and to fail. When kids value the good regard of their peers or their own self-concept above the good regard of their parents, they lose the willingness to fail. They become fragile” (113).
“In short, many parents have come to assume that good grades and test scores are the best measures of achievement and the most reliable key to future happiness. But they are mistaken. If you want your child to be healthy and wealthy and wise, then your first priority should not be measures of cognitive achievement, such as high grades or test scores, but measures of Conscientiousness, such as honesty, integrity, and self-control” (121).
“Cheating isn’t new. But before roughly 1990, the kids most likely to cheat on tests or homework were not the academic high achievers. Today that’s no longer the case. Today, the cream of the academic crop is just as likely, and possibly more likely, to engage in cheating compared with students lower down the academic totem pole” (128-129).
“The solution is to mindfully create an alternative culture. To build a subversive household in which the dinner table conversation is actually conversation, with the screens switched off. To value family time together above time that kids spend with same-age peers. To create a space for silence, for meditation, for reflection, so that your child can discover a true inner self that is more than the mere gratification of impulse” (153).
“Humility simply means being as interested in other people are you are in yourself. It means that when you meet new people, you try to learn something about them before going off on a spiel about how incredible your current project is. Humility means really listening when someone else is talking, instead of just preparing your own speechlet in your head before you’ve really heard what the other person is saying. Humility means making a sustained effort to get other people to share their views before trying to inundate them with yours” (Sax 160).
“Teachers in these high-end schools now routinely pass out wireless clickers to students for instant polling. In the most successful countries, the classrooms are typically ‘utilitarian and sparse’ with no digital gadgets. Ripley notes that in countries which outperform the United States, the board at the front of the classroom is ‘not connected to anything but the wall . . . Americans waste an extraordinary amount of tax money on high-tech toys for teachers and students, most of which have no proven learning value whatsoever. In most of the countries that score ahead of us on the PISA, ‘technology is remarkably absent from the classrooms’” (85).
“In Finland, the teacher-training colleges are highly selective. Being admitted to a teacher-training program in Finland is as prestigious as getting into medical school in the United States. In the United States, almost any high school graduate can quality to become a teacher. Ripley writes, ‘Incredibly, at some U.S. colleges, students [have] to meet higher academic standards to play football than to become teachers’” (86).
“The main mechanisms by which contemporary American culture today asserts its primacy in the hearts of American kids are the Internet and the mobile phone . . . Now you start to see the real harm of the 9-year-old with a mobile phone, talking to her friends or texting them. The more time she spends connecting with her friends, the more likely she is to look to them for guidance about what matters and what doesn’t” (110).
“Why are American kids today so fragile? The fundamental reason is the breaking of the bonds across generations, so that kids now value the opinions of same-age peers or their own self-constructed self-concept more than they care about the good regard of their parents and other adults . . . Failure comes to us all. The willingness to fail, and then to move on with no loss of enthusiasm, is a mark of character. The opposite of fragility, as we have discussed fragility in this chapter, is the willingness to fail. When kids are secure in the unconditional acceptance of their parents, they can find the courage to venture and to fail. When kids value the good regard of their peers or their own self-concept above the good regard of their parents, they lose the willingness to fail. They become fragile” (113).
“In short, many parents have come to assume that good grades and test scores are the best measures of achievement and the most reliable key to future happiness. But they are mistaken. If you want your child to be healthy and wealthy and wise, then your first priority should not be measures of cognitive achievement, such as high grades or test scores, but measures of Conscientiousness, such as honesty, integrity, and self-control” (121).
“Cheating isn’t new. But before roughly 1990, the kids most likely to cheat on tests or homework were not the academic high achievers. Today that’s no longer the case. Today, the cream of the academic crop is just as likely, and possibly more likely, to engage in cheating compared with students lower down the academic totem pole” (128-129).
“The solution is to mindfully create an alternative culture. To build a subversive household in which the dinner table conversation is actually conversation, with the screens switched off. To value family time together above time that kids spend with same-age peers. To create a space for silence, for meditation, for reflection, so that your child can discover a true inner self that is more than the mere gratification of impulse” (153).
“Humility simply means being as interested in other people are you are in yourself. It means that when you meet new people, you try to learn something about them before going off on a spiel about how incredible your current project is. Humility means really listening when someone else is talking, instead of just preparing your own speechlet in your head before you’ve really heard what the other person is saying. Humility means making a sustained effort to get other people to share their views before trying to inundate them with yours” (Sax 160).
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