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No More Mr. Nice Guy
Originally published as an e-book that became a controversial media phenomenon, No More Mr. Nice Guy! landed its author, a certified marriage and family therapist, on The O'Reilly Factor and the Rush Limbaugh radio show. Dr. Robert Glover has dubbed the "Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. It's no wonder that unfulfilled Nice Guys lash out in frustration at their loved ones, claims Dr. Glover. He explains how they can stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in life, by presenting the information and tools to help them ensure their needs are met, to express their emotions, to have a satisfying sex life, to embrace their masculinity and form meaningful relationships with other men, and to live up to their creative potential.
208 pages, Hardcover
First published November 30, 2000
About the author
Robert A. Glover
11 books223 followersDr. Robert Glover is the author of No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan For Getting What You Want in Love, Sex and Life (Running Press, 2003) and Dating Essentials for Men: The Only Dating Guide You Will Ever Need. Dr. Glover is the creator of Dating Essentials for Men and the director of TPI University.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,404 reviews
May 3, 2019
Let's get real: this is a book about men being upset about being treated like women.
Like oh, you don't like having to shove down your feelings and constantly cater to the desires of another gender? That's because it sucks, welcome to womanhood. Maybe the solution isn't more fathers to teach "men how to be men," it's to stop treating women like they exist to fulfill the needs and desires of men. Which yes, is a solution this book works toward but the author doesn't seem to have a whole lot of awareness of how women are raised and how THAT effects men, and how that leads to women raising boys as if they're women. (ie. agreeable, friendly, subservient, etc.)
"Most Nice Guys believe that by repressing the darker side of their masculine energy they will win the approval of women. This seems logical considering the anti-male climate that has permeated our culture since the 1960s."
Most nice girls believe that by repressing the darker side of their feminine energy they will win the approval of dudes. This seems logical considering the anti-female climate that has permeated our culture since always.
But whenever he's not complaining about feminism like it's the problem, abusing the shit out of hyperbole (so much always/never language in this book), ignoring issues with consumer culture, or getting ridiculously Freudian (he repeatedly says that nice guys are monogamous to their mothers), it's actually pretty good.
Because yes, you should act with honesty and integrity and set clear boundaries and learn to recognize that you can't read minds or predict what people really want. I appreciate the whole point that "you are a co-creator in your own dysfunctional relationship." Yup. And yes! Manage your expectations and eliminate covert contracts.
I think probably the most important advice this book gives readers is that you need to put your needs first before anyone else's.
Of course, I'd like to point out the real problem here is codependent behavior which is not actually a problem specific to either gender. I'd highly recommend researching that topic if this book appeals to you. Because this book is pretty inline with the idea that "men are from mars and women are from venus" which is complete horseshit. We are far more alike than we are different. Almost everything he says in this book could be just as useful to women. Men aren't special in their desire to be strong and powerful and all the other things that he attributes to "reclaiming your maleness." Setting each other apart as if were a different species is what contributes to us being so alienated from one another.
And I don't even have a problem with the fact that this book is intended for a male audience. In fact, I think male-only books are important because guys tackle a different set of social problems, but like...maybe think a little harder about why things are the way they are, and don't treat women as a foreign other.
"I frequently encourage recovering Nice Guys to be just who they are, without reservation...The people who like them just as they are will hang around. The people who don't, won't. This is the only way to have a healthy relationship."
Bam. Except he forgot to mention that you should also work on being a better version of yourself because maybe you're kind of awful. Maybe some reservation is warranted until you figure your shit out. Because I could see a special kind of idiot reading that and being like...who I am is an ass-grabber of strangers. It's not just your boundaries that are important.
Anyway, I really wanted to give this book three stars because some of the points in here are really important, but I can't. It needs work.
Like oh, you don't like having to shove down your feelings and constantly cater to the desires of another gender? That's because it sucks, welcome to womanhood. Maybe the solution isn't more fathers to teach "men how to be men," it's to stop treating women like they exist to fulfill the needs and desires of men. Which yes, is a solution this book works toward but the author doesn't seem to have a whole lot of awareness of how women are raised and how THAT effects men, and how that leads to women raising boys as if they're women. (ie. agreeable, friendly, subservient, etc.)
"Most Nice Guys believe that by repressing the darker side of their masculine energy they will win the approval of women. This seems logical considering the anti-male climate that has permeated our culture since the 1960s."
Most nice girls believe that by repressing the darker side of their feminine energy they will win the approval of dudes. This seems logical considering the anti-female climate that has permeated our culture since always.
But whenever he's not complaining about feminism like it's the problem, abusing the shit out of hyperbole (so much always/never language in this book), ignoring issues with consumer culture, or getting ridiculously Freudian (he repeatedly says that nice guys are monogamous to their mothers), it's actually pretty good.
Because yes, you should act with honesty and integrity and set clear boundaries and learn to recognize that you can't read minds or predict what people really want. I appreciate the whole point that "you are a co-creator in your own dysfunctional relationship." Yup. And yes! Manage your expectations and eliminate covert contracts.
I think probably the most important advice this book gives readers is that you need to put your needs first before anyone else's.
Of course, I'd like to point out the real problem here is codependent behavior which is not actually a problem specific to either gender. I'd highly recommend researching that topic if this book appeals to you. Because this book is pretty inline with the idea that "men are from mars and women are from venus" which is complete horseshit. We are far more alike than we are different. Almost everything he says in this book could be just as useful to women. Men aren't special in their desire to be strong and powerful and all the other things that he attributes to "reclaiming your maleness." Setting each other apart as if were a different species is what contributes to us being so alienated from one another.
And I don't even have a problem with the fact that this book is intended for a male audience. In fact, I think male-only books are important because guys tackle a different set of social problems, but like...maybe think a little harder about why things are the way they are, and don't treat women as a foreign other.
"I frequently encourage recovering Nice Guys to be just who they are, without reservation...The people who like them just as they are will hang around. The people who don't, won't. This is the only way to have a healthy relationship."
Bam. Except he forgot to mention that you should also work on being a better version of yourself because maybe you're kind of awful. Maybe some reservation is warranted until you figure your shit out. Because I could see a special kind of idiot reading that and being like...who I am is an ass-grabber of strangers. It's not just your boundaries that are important.
Anyway, I really wanted to give this book three stars because some of the points in here are really important, but I can't. It needs work.
October 25, 2016
Apart from not using "Nice Guy" in the title (ugh), I wish someone had said to Glover, "You know the part where you compare a man's relationship with his wife to him teaching a dog not to piss on the floor? Yeah . . . don't do that. No, seriously. Don't do that."
God, I wish I was exaggerating:
"For example, if a person gives his dog a treat when he pisses on the carpet, the dog will keep pissing on the carpet. The same is true for humans. If the Nice Guy reinforces his partner's undesirable behaviors, she will keep behaving in undesirable ways."
Also, calling a chapter, "Following The Example Of The Bull Moose Helps Nice Guys Get The Sex They Want." Um, don't do that either. Especially when your advice about sex is actually often awesome:
"Good sex consists of two people taking full responsibility for meeting their own needs. It has no goal. It is free of agendas and expectations. Rather than being a performance, it is an unfolding of sexual energy. It is about two people revealing themselves in the most intimate and vulnerable of ways. Good sex occurs when two people focus on their own pleasure, passion, and arousal, and stay connected to those same things in their partner. All of these dynamics allow good sex to unfold in unpredictable, spontaneous, and memorable ways." (loc. 2369)
All the way through this book contains some great advice for humans learning to deal with other humans in intimate relationships, as well as careers, parenting, negotiating relationships with parents, and life in general:
1 If it frightens you, do it.
2 Don't settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for.
3 Put yourself first.
4 No matter what happens, you will handle it.
5 Whatever you do, do it 100%.
6 If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.
7 You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness.
8 Ask for what you want.
9 If what you are doing isn't working, try something different.
10 Be clear and direct.
11 Learn to say "no."
12 Don't make excuses.
13 If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules.
14 Let people help you.
15 Be honest with yourself.
16 Do not let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever.
17 Remove yourself from a bad situation instead of waiting for the situation to change.
18 Don't tolerate the intolerable — ever.
19 Stop blaming. Victims never succeed.
20 Live with integrity. Decide what feels right to you, then do it.
21 Accept the consequences of your actions.
22 Be good to yourself.
23 Think "abundance."
24 Face difficult situations and conflict head on.
25 Don't do anything in secret.
26 Do it now.
27 Be willing to let go of what you have so you can get what you want.
28 Have fun. If you are not having fun, something is wrong.
29 Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences.
30 Control is an illusion. Let go; let life happen.
There is nothing in that advice that applies only to humans gendered as male. Neither is there when Glover points out it's important to have strong friendships outside of a relationship. No-one can be everything for a person.
It's the whole framing of masculinity that fails with this book. This isn't unique to Glover, it's true of our culture as a whole. Here's Glover's definition of masculinity (loc 1524):
"I define masculinity as that part of a man that equips him to survive as an individual, clan, and species . . . Masculinity empowers a man to create and produce. It also empowers him provide for and protect those who are important to him. These aspects of masculinity include strength, discipline, courage, passion, persistence, and integrity."
Seriously? What the hell is left for a definition of femininity? The part of a woman that equips her to give in and give up, fracture social groups to be more easily consumed by predators, to consume and destroy, that empowers her to steal food from her babies' mouths, and use them as handy portable shark decoys in case of danger?
There's not one quality in Glover's list that isn't a definition of any self-actualized human, regardless of chromosomes. We'd all get along a lot better if our culture stopped enforcing a gender binary that says, "Men are all of these things," rather than, "Good people are all of these."
Glover also includes stuff that had my stomach turning. Like how important it was for the sick 12-year-old girl to get lots of male attention from "her guys." This gave me flashbacks to A Child's Life: Other Stories when the stepfather says what's really important to a prepubescent girl is her relationship to men (cue sexual abuse).
Or the way Glover always talks about the "availability" of women for sex, or how a teenage boy's ambition is "securing a girlfriend and someday having sex..." As if women are a sex accessory, and not human beings with their own desires.
This seems really inconsistent with the sound content in some of the sections.
So, yeah, I have no idea how to rate it. My reaction varies wildly from a 1 for the way Glover seems to regard women, to a 5 for advice about drawing boundaries and being true to oneself. I'm going with a 3, comprised of 2 stars for OK overall, +1 star for my favorite line of the book: "This story is consistent with Alan's lifelong avoidance of vaginas." (loc 2132).
God, I wish I was exaggerating:
"For example, if a person gives his dog a treat when he pisses on the carpet, the dog will keep pissing on the carpet. The same is true for humans. If the Nice Guy reinforces his partner's undesirable behaviors, she will keep behaving in undesirable ways."
Also, calling a chapter, "Following The Example Of The Bull Moose Helps Nice Guys Get The Sex They Want." Um, don't do that either. Especially when your advice about sex is actually often awesome:
"Good sex consists of two people taking full responsibility for meeting their own needs. It has no goal. It is free of agendas and expectations. Rather than being a performance, it is an unfolding of sexual energy. It is about two people revealing themselves in the most intimate and vulnerable of ways. Good sex occurs when two people focus on their own pleasure, passion, and arousal, and stay connected to those same things in their partner. All of these dynamics allow good sex to unfold in unpredictable, spontaneous, and memorable ways." (loc. 2369)
All the way through this book contains some great advice for humans learning to deal with other humans in intimate relationships, as well as careers, parenting, negotiating relationships with parents, and life in general:
1 If it frightens you, do it.
2 Don't settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for.
3 Put yourself first.
4 No matter what happens, you will handle it.
5 Whatever you do, do it 100%.
6 If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.
7 You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness.
8 Ask for what you want.
9 If what you are doing isn't working, try something different.
10 Be clear and direct.
11 Learn to say "no."
12 Don't make excuses.
13 If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules.
14 Let people help you.
15 Be honest with yourself.
16 Do not let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever.
17 Remove yourself from a bad situation instead of waiting for the situation to change.
18 Don't tolerate the intolerable — ever.
19 Stop blaming. Victims never succeed.
20 Live with integrity. Decide what feels right to you, then do it.
21 Accept the consequences of your actions.
22 Be good to yourself.
23 Think "abundance."
24 Face difficult situations and conflict head on.
25 Don't do anything in secret.
26 Do it now.
27 Be willing to let go of what you have so you can get what you want.
28 Have fun. If you are not having fun, something is wrong.
29 Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences.
30 Control is an illusion. Let go; let life happen.
There is nothing in that advice that applies only to humans gendered as male. Neither is there when Glover points out it's important to have strong friendships outside of a relationship. No-one can be everything for a person.
It's the whole framing of masculinity that fails with this book. This isn't unique to Glover, it's true of our culture as a whole. Here's Glover's definition of masculinity (loc 1524):
"I define masculinity as that part of a man that equips him to survive as an individual, clan, and species . . . Masculinity empowers a man to create and produce. It also empowers him provide for and protect those who are important to him. These aspects of masculinity include strength, discipline, courage, passion, persistence, and integrity."
Seriously? What the hell is left for a definition of femininity? The part of a woman that equips her to give in and give up, fracture social groups to be more easily consumed by predators, to consume and destroy, that empowers her to steal food from her babies' mouths, and use them as handy portable shark decoys in case of danger?
There's not one quality in Glover's list that isn't a definition of any self-actualized human, regardless of chromosomes. We'd all get along a lot better if our culture stopped enforcing a gender binary that says, "Men are all of these things," rather than, "Good people are all of these."
Glover also includes stuff that had my stomach turning. Like how important it was for the sick 12-year-old girl to get lots of male attention from "her guys." This gave me flashbacks to A Child's Life: Other Stories when the stepfather says what's really important to a prepubescent girl is her relationship to men (cue sexual abuse).
Or the way Glover always talks about the "availability" of women for sex, or how a teenage boy's ambition is "securing a girlfriend and someday having sex..." As if women are a sex accessory, and not human beings with their own desires.
This seems really inconsistent with the sound content in some of the sections.
So, yeah, I have no idea how to rate it. My reaction varies wildly from a 1 for the way Glover seems to regard women, to a 5 for advice about drawing boundaries and being true to oneself. I'm going with a 3, comprised of 2 stars for OK overall, +1 star for my favorite line of the book: "This story is consistent with Alan's lifelong avoidance of vaginas." (loc 2132).
August 29, 2013
This was a must read for me and made me realize the struggles and ordeals a "Mr. Nice Guy" goes through in all phases of his life. This book resonated with me because I was a Nice Guy throughout my high school years and early college life. I didn't understand back then why I was getting rejected by women, why I was settling making friends with people I didn't like, and why I felt afraid to get into arguments with my family. I knew the Nice Guy life was painful, but I thought that was the right way to live to be a well-rounded man.
Robert A. Glover dealt head on about the misperception that being a Nice Guy will get you anywhere in life. He defines a Nice Guy, as any man or boy who has ever called himself that, is exactly what the term means when a girl says it in explaining why she is friends with a guy, but not attracted to him. It is the term referring to a neighbor who is willing to do any favor but who never seems to have his own affairs in order. It is the guy who always tries to please, but who people never seem to want to hang around anyway, or if they do, it’s only because he tries to do everything for everyone. He is an easy target for jokes because he smiles and takes it, never thinking of defending himself because he is afraid of conflict, thinking that if he just plays along, he will be liked.
Glover goes into a lot of detail about this, but two of the most important traits of Nice Guys is that they seek to win the approval of others (especially women) by anticipating their needs, and they try to minimize or deny their own needs. Glover traces this first problem to a generation of men raised almost exclusively by women. After the 50s, fathers spent much more time away from home, working, and the home became the domain of the woman. Teachers in recent years have been almost exclusively female. Thus, a generation (now two) has grown up with no significant male role models and a strong disposition to winning the approval of female authority figures. Women raised these men, so you’d think they would be great with women, and women often describe Nice Guys as “a real catch for some (other) lucky woman.” Turns out, however, that women don’t actually like men who constantly try to please them.
Nice Guys are so keen on winning approval because they are afraid of being abandoned as a result of childhood difficulties. Thus, in addition to trying to please others, caretake, and anticipate needs, Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague. They believe that if they just fit in with everyone, don’t make any waves, never get negative attention, then others will want to be around them. Thus, they never stand up for themselves. Thus, nobody like them anyway. Their answer: try harder.
The other big aspect of Nice Guys is that they try really hard to deny their own needs. This manifests in things from career aspirations to sex. Nice Guys think that, if they can be completely needless, then they will cause no trouble for others, won’t be competition, won’t make any demands, and will be liked. The problem is that they have to get their needs met somehow and too often they resort to passive-agressive behavior or build up a lot of resentment. It’s actually pretty illogical when you spell it out, but I know it’s how a lot of men think and behave, because I did.
The real value of the book lies not in describing the Nice Guy Syndrome, but rather in providing a roadmap for men to break free of the thought patterns and behaviors that are holding them back. The old idea of manliness held that men should be assertive, confident, brave and have the self-assurance to follow their own path without trying to please everyone around them. Glover sprinkles his book with exercises for men to try in their journey to overcome their problematic thinking. The exercises range from thought experiments, to list-making and goal setting, to things like “do one thing for yourself every week.”
The stories of men’s trials, tribulations, and triumphs truly is inspiring. We read of men who are so paralyzed by their fear of abandonment (disguised as a sense of responsibility to their family) that they let their wives walk all over them. When they start standing up for themselves, setting boundaries, their wives initially balk, but suddenly find themselves for assured of their husband’s love, more respectful, and more attracted to him. They appreciate the relationship more and find it gives them greater value as well.
This goes into a lot of the psychology of attraction and male-female interactions, but the point of the book is often that women want to be with a man, not some male-shaped stand-in who lets her call all the shots. This willingness to give the woman all the power does not make a woman feel secure in her relationship.
I really appreciated the writing of this book because it does a lot to give definition to that murky middle ground between pushover and jerk, that combination of assertiveness, consideration, self-efficacy that used to define manhood, but has since fallen prey to…I don’t know what (Glover offers a number of reasons including those aspects of the feminist movement that cast a lot of positive masculine traits as oppressive). There’s the good lead dancer, then there’s the guy that is too passive to lead well, and the guy who just shoves women around on the dance floor; the first is assertive, the third is insensitive and obnoxious, and the second is just as frustrating to dance with (I was also that guy, and I know women don’t like dancing with men who do that). I myself am still coming to grips with this vision of manhood, but so far, it has proven to be a truly liberating and empowering experience. My friends like me more, women find me more attractive, and I like myself more. Instead of losing friends because I bother to argue my point of view, instead of driving women away because I look after my own needs, instead of alienating professional contacts because I assert my presence, I now assure people of my ability to stand firm in my convictions and to take care of myself. I know, these things are obvious to anyone on the outside, but to someone who has believed his whole life in the lies of the Nice Guy, it’s kind of an eye-opener.
I highly recommend this book to anyone, male or female, who wants to understand either the dynamics of male self-empowerment, or the ways men and women interact and fill unique roles in a relationship. If you know a Nice Guy who can’t understand why he never gets what he wants in life even though he tries so hard, please, please save him the agony and get him this book.
Robert A. Glover dealt head on about the misperception that being a Nice Guy will get you anywhere in life. He defines a Nice Guy, as any man or boy who has ever called himself that, is exactly what the term means when a girl says it in explaining why she is friends with a guy, but not attracted to him. It is the term referring to a neighbor who is willing to do any favor but who never seems to have his own affairs in order. It is the guy who always tries to please, but who people never seem to want to hang around anyway, or if they do, it’s only because he tries to do everything for everyone. He is an easy target for jokes because he smiles and takes it, never thinking of defending himself because he is afraid of conflict, thinking that if he just plays along, he will be liked.
Glover goes into a lot of detail about this, but two of the most important traits of Nice Guys is that they seek to win the approval of others (especially women) by anticipating their needs, and they try to minimize or deny their own needs. Glover traces this first problem to a generation of men raised almost exclusively by women. After the 50s, fathers spent much more time away from home, working, and the home became the domain of the woman. Teachers in recent years have been almost exclusively female. Thus, a generation (now two) has grown up with no significant male role models and a strong disposition to winning the approval of female authority figures. Women raised these men, so you’d think they would be great with women, and women often describe Nice Guys as “a real catch for some (other) lucky woman.” Turns out, however, that women don’t actually like men who constantly try to please them.
Nice Guys are so keen on winning approval because they are afraid of being abandoned as a result of childhood difficulties. Thus, in addition to trying to please others, caretake, and anticipate needs, Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague. They believe that if they just fit in with everyone, don’t make any waves, never get negative attention, then others will want to be around them. Thus, they never stand up for themselves. Thus, nobody like them anyway. Their answer: try harder.
The other big aspect of Nice Guys is that they try really hard to deny their own needs. This manifests in things from career aspirations to sex. Nice Guys think that, if they can be completely needless, then they will cause no trouble for others, won’t be competition, won’t make any demands, and will be liked. The problem is that they have to get their needs met somehow and too often they resort to passive-agressive behavior or build up a lot of resentment. It’s actually pretty illogical when you spell it out, but I know it’s how a lot of men think and behave, because I did.
The real value of the book lies not in describing the Nice Guy Syndrome, but rather in providing a roadmap for men to break free of the thought patterns and behaviors that are holding them back. The old idea of manliness held that men should be assertive, confident, brave and have the self-assurance to follow their own path without trying to please everyone around them. Glover sprinkles his book with exercises for men to try in their journey to overcome their problematic thinking. The exercises range from thought experiments, to list-making and goal setting, to things like “do one thing for yourself every week.”
The stories of men’s trials, tribulations, and triumphs truly is inspiring. We read of men who are so paralyzed by their fear of abandonment (disguised as a sense of responsibility to their family) that they let their wives walk all over them. When they start standing up for themselves, setting boundaries, their wives initially balk, but suddenly find themselves for assured of their husband’s love, more respectful, and more attracted to him. They appreciate the relationship more and find it gives them greater value as well.
This goes into a lot of the psychology of attraction and male-female interactions, but the point of the book is often that women want to be with a man, not some male-shaped stand-in who lets her call all the shots. This willingness to give the woman all the power does not make a woman feel secure in her relationship.
I really appreciated the writing of this book because it does a lot to give definition to that murky middle ground between pushover and jerk, that combination of assertiveness, consideration, self-efficacy that used to define manhood, but has since fallen prey to…I don’t know what (Glover offers a number of reasons including those aspects of the feminist movement that cast a lot of positive masculine traits as oppressive). There’s the good lead dancer, then there’s the guy that is too passive to lead well, and the guy who just shoves women around on the dance floor; the first is assertive, the third is insensitive and obnoxious, and the second is just as frustrating to dance with (I was also that guy, and I know women don’t like dancing with men who do that). I myself am still coming to grips with this vision of manhood, but so far, it has proven to be a truly liberating and empowering experience. My friends like me more, women find me more attractive, and I like myself more. Instead of losing friends because I bother to argue my point of view, instead of driving women away because I look after my own needs, instead of alienating professional contacts because I assert my presence, I now assure people of my ability to stand firm in my convictions and to take care of myself. I know, these things are obvious to anyone on the outside, but to someone who has believed his whole life in the lies of the Nice Guy, it’s kind of an eye-opener.
I highly recommend this book to anyone, male or female, who wants to understand either the dynamics of male self-empowerment, or the ways men and women interact and fill unique roles in a relationship. If you know a Nice Guy who can’t understand why he never gets what he wants in life even though he tries so hard, please, please save him the agony and get him this book.
September 11, 2022
Nice guys are those people who go the extra mile to please others. The author is perfectly describing a cycle that nice guys go through in their life. They will try hard to please others, but the opposite person will try to utilize the nice guy and ultimately hurts them deeply. Still, they won’t respond and tries to be nice. They won’t respond even if they understand that the opposite person is misbehaving. Finally, they will reach a point where there will be a severe outburst from the nice guy. Then this cycle repeats. If you are an empath, you will understand clearly what I mentioned above, and this book will definitely help you. You will understand so many intricate details about your life, which will immensely help you in your life.
The problem with this book is that in some areas that you will strongly disagree with the author. The author ludicrously describes feminism and women. It will hurt your feelings if you are a woman or a man who respects women. The author should have mentioned this topic in a much more careful manner.
This book is a must-read book if you consider yourself a nice guy or if you are an empath or if you have personality disorders like borderline personality disorder or dependent personality disorder.
December 22, 2013
The basic premise of Glover's work is established on the existence of a phenomena known to the author as 'The Nice Guy Syndrome'. According to him, because many men as children did not get their 'needs met in a timely, judicious manner', their minds have been conditioned to believe that they are the cause of this inadequacy; that they are not worthy of what they want, nor are they capable of getting it. He also argues (agreeably, I think) that the increasing absence of fathers in the lives of their sons since World War II contributes to this poor conditioning, as well as the increasing prevalence of women as authority figures in a similar trend. Children, he asserts, are less inclined to know what it means to be men due to a distanced relationship with their dad, and learn techniques and behavior suited to winning the approval of women. These are usually manifested in what would colloquially be known as being a 'goody-goody' or 'suck-up', attempting to be worthy of praise and approval from an authority figure, who in this case is almost universally female. According to the author, in addition to believing that they were responsible for or unworthy of their 'needs' (which in some examples are quite less than needs, strictly speaking), these children were chastised for any behavior which went against the inclinations or desires of their authority figures, and subconsciously make the connection that it is this disappointment that they have caused that is responsible for their not 'getting their needs met in a timely, judicious manner' (the phrase is used several times verbatim), despite this not necessarily being the case at all.
Because of this, as they grow up and face the world as adults, their default tendencies and mechanisms of behavior yield further disappointment. In every facet of their life, the same method is employed, and the conclusion reached; to suck up, and then believe that everything is your fault when this does not work. In this way, the 'Nice Guy' is only superficially nice, using his favors and pleasantness as currency for his own selfish ends. The book is littered with examples of people who are 'stuck' at an undesirable job, in broken or otherwise dysfunctional relationships, or even from pursuing the life that they desire in general.
Thus runs the essential diagnosis of the work. One of my greatest complaints is that the book's methods for healing these wounds is none other than the common sense derived from an honest five-minutes' devotion of thought to the problem. Really, most of these issues are simple in nature, at least insofar as they have been presented, and in every instance, some basic application of initiative and common sense is the solution. We hear of people who are in bad relationships with their wives or girlfriends, and who try to win sex and their love through buying them gifts or doing their chores for them, and feel trapped when this yields an opposite result. The amazing thing is that when these people consulted the advice of our professional, qualified author, their solution was simply to announce their intentions and ask them to have sex, which almost always worked in the cited examples. This effect is commonplace: people who were promised a raise upon their graduation and were then denied it and feel stuck in their job are told to quit their job and pursue a career where their qualification would ensure better success. There are many who are 'stuck' in tight situations, and who are miraculously rescued by this same combination of common sense and initiative.
The way that the book is written is also unimpressive. I was expecting much more psychological analysis and scientific content, but instead (and to my surprise) was presented with something resembling a continuous 'Dear Abby' newspaper column, or a bunch of stuff pulled off of Yahoo Answers and other such sites of questionable repute. The author claims that it took him six years to write this 100-something page, large-type compendium of self-help web articles and therapeutic 'Breaking Free' activities thrown about throughout. The whole work is literally a continuous list of these problems within different facets of life (though they are all the same fundamentally), the same solution I do not mean to be excessively contentious, but I honestly have a difficult time believing that this kind of a work requires a PhD to write. Perhaps he is truly incapable as an author, but otherwise, there is no way that a PhD in this field can devote six years to writing a book of this nature and come up with something so cheap and predictable, or else he gives his field and his degree a bad name.
There is also an abundance of strange, New-Age 'kookiness' strewn here and there throughout. Whether this takes the form of 'feeling the energy of the universe' or a therapeutic exploration of one's self through 'healthy masturbation' (with no goal or aim in mind), this book certainly fits the 'quack' stereotype quite well. He also flips between the working imperative of 'it's up to you, just do it' and the passive 'it's all your environment and conditioning's fault - remember, you did not get your needs met in a timely, judicious manner!', and does this often, giving the book an annoying, bi-polar mood which presents the author in a more confused light than his patients. The blind cannot lead the blind.
Neither is this book concerned with living an honorable, respectable life, or about the meaning of manhood in general (though it is intentionally dedicated to men): it is nothing but an obvious diagnosis, and equally obvious application of initiative and common sense aimed at gratifying one's desires (labelled as 'needs') at any cost. The righteousness of the end aside, the book is devoid of all scientific information and analysis, and the means employed are nothing beyond the basic usage of the will and the mind.
This is a genre that I will not return to for some time. Expecting something vastly different, I was very disappointed. I suppose that my conception of living in the right manner differs greatly from many others (judging from the popularity of this book), but I will stick to studying the lives of great men to satisfy that objective. Adventure, honor, courage, dignity; these are the qualities that I seek to aspire to (and those which true manhood espouses), and in this sad book I found them not.
Because of this, as they grow up and face the world as adults, their default tendencies and mechanisms of behavior yield further disappointment. In every facet of their life, the same method is employed, and the conclusion reached; to suck up, and then believe that everything is your fault when this does not work. In this way, the 'Nice Guy' is only superficially nice, using his favors and pleasantness as currency for his own selfish ends. The book is littered with examples of people who are 'stuck' at an undesirable job, in broken or otherwise dysfunctional relationships, or even from pursuing the life that they desire in general.
Thus runs the essential diagnosis of the work. One of my greatest complaints is that the book's methods for healing these wounds is none other than the common sense derived from an honest five-minutes' devotion of thought to the problem. Really, most of these issues are simple in nature, at least insofar as they have been presented, and in every instance, some basic application of initiative and common sense is the solution. We hear of people who are in bad relationships with their wives or girlfriends, and who try to win sex and their love through buying them gifts or doing their chores for them, and feel trapped when this yields an opposite result. The amazing thing is that when these people consulted the advice of our professional, qualified author, their solution was simply to announce their intentions and ask them to have sex, which almost always worked in the cited examples. This effect is commonplace: people who were promised a raise upon their graduation and were then denied it and feel stuck in their job are told to quit their job and pursue a career where their qualification would ensure better success. There are many who are 'stuck' in tight situations, and who are miraculously rescued by this same combination of common sense and initiative.
The way that the book is written is also unimpressive. I was expecting much more psychological analysis and scientific content, but instead (and to my surprise) was presented with something resembling a continuous 'Dear Abby' newspaper column, or a bunch of stuff pulled off of Yahoo Answers and other such sites of questionable repute. The author claims that it took him six years to write this 100-something page, large-type compendium of self-help web articles and therapeutic 'Breaking Free' activities thrown about throughout. The whole work is literally a continuous list of these problems within different facets of life (though they are all the same fundamentally), the same solution I do not mean to be excessively contentious, but I honestly have a difficult time believing that this kind of a work requires a PhD to write. Perhaps he is truly incapable as an author, but otherwise, there is no way that a PhD in this field can devote six years to writing a book of this nature and come up with something so cheap and predictable, or else he gives his field and his degree a bad name.
There is also an abundance of strange, New-Age 'kookiness' strewn here and there throughout. Whether this takes the form of 'feeling the energy of the universe' or a therapeutic exploration of one's self through 'healthy masturbation' (with no goal or aim in mind), this book certainly fits the 'quack' stereotype quite well. He also flips between the working imperative of 'it's up to you, just do it' and the passive 'it's all your environment and conditioning's fault - remember, you did not get your needs met in a timely, judicious manner!', and does this often, giving the book an annoying, bi-polar mood which presents the author in a more confused light than his patients. The blind cannot lead the blind.
Neither is this book concerned with living an honorable, respectable life, or about the meaning of manhood in general (though it is intentionally dedicated to men): it is nothing but an obvious diagnosis, and equally obvious application of initiative and common sense aimed at gratifying one's desires (labelled as 'needs') at any cost. The righteousness of the end aside, the book is devoid of all scientific information and analysis, and the means employed are nothing beyond the basic usage of the will and the mind.
This is a genre that I will not return to for some time. Expecting something vastly different, I was very disappointed. I suppose that my conception of living in the right manner differs greatly from many others (judging from the popularity of this book), but I will stick to studying the lives of great men to satisfy that objective. Adventure, honor, courage, dignity; these are the qualities that I seek to aspire to (and those which true manhood espouses), and in this sad book I found them not.
May 11, 2019
LOVED THIS BOOK! Maybe because for a good portion of my life I've been a Perennial "Nice Guy". I'd recommend this book in a heartbeat to more people than I can name. And Ladies, before getting nervous that this book implies "How to be a Jerk", it totally isn't. On the contrary this is a book about how "Nice Guys" have, through long post-modern cultural indoctrination, lost their voice and how to get it back.
This is a book written by a Therapist, not a Macho-Womanizing-Player. Dr. Robert Glover has studied what he dubs "The Nice Guy" syndrome for years. Nice Guys are males who have mastered living in Cognitive Dissonance. They are the most creative Dishonest people around. On the outside they can appear to have everything, a decent job, a nice home, a good family, but underneath it all these males are falling apart. What the false appearances don't reveal is an individual who is completely unable to admit to themselves that they are basically miserable. The problem is two fold, first that they don't see their own misery, and 2nd they don't know what is causing it.
Another term that could be used to accurately describe this phenomenon would be "Self-Deception".
The author explains how this cultural development came about. For generations boys learned from their fathers about how to be men by working alongside them in the fields. When society became urbanized this took men away from the home and left boys to be raised by their mothers. With Teachers also being primarily women, boys were growing up having to learn about how to be men from women. This of course led to some internalized distortions of what that meant. From vindictive women who wanted to teach their sons to not be "like" their father to women who merely could not understand boys' overly physical and disruptive behavior, women did what they knew best and raised boys to be and act in ways more similar to women. This of course creates an endless list of identification problems for boys when they come of age.
The root problem with Nice Guys is this, they crave more than anything else to simply be accepted and loved, a natural human need, but they go about it backwards by placing other's approval of them above their own approval of themselves. Thus they are like the perpetual child who does everything just right to try and please "mommy and daddy' so that they will love him. They grow up into perpetual people pleasers placing the mercy of their own internal well being on other people and their opinions of him.
Dr. Glover argues that the "Nice Guy" is the guy who because he has lost his "voice" resorts to passive aggression, dishonesty, and evasion all the while saying that he is fine and perfectly happy. Underneath, however, he is seething and miserable and doesn't understand or know why. Nice Guys are the guys that everyone can take advantage of, you can ask them for anything and they will give it up, they are easily exploited, they volunteer for everything. All the while they are only craving to be accepted.
Luckily there is a way out of this warped way of being. Integration, the root of of which "integer" means "whole". Integration meaning "to be whole". These men simply have to reclaim their lives, establish personal boundaries, stop living for the approval of others, do things for themselves and quit avoiding conflict. As they develop that relationship with their masculinity they will grow in personal Courage, Strength and Mastery. The fastest way for males to achieve this is by hanging out with other males. Only men can help other men learn to be true to themselves and live in line with their inner masculinity.
This is a book written by a Therapist, not a Macho-Womanizing-Player. Dr. Robert Glover has studied what he dubs "The Nice Guy" syndrome for years. Nice Guys are males who have mastered living in Cognitive Dissonance. They are the most creative Dishonest people around. On the outside they can appear to have everything, a decent job, a nice home, a good family, but underneath it all these males are falling apart. What the false appearances don't reveal is an individual who is completely unable to admit to themselves that they are basically miserable. The problem is two fold, first that they don't see their own misery, and 2nd they don't know what is causing it.
Another term that could be used to accurately describe this phenomenon would be "Self-Deception".
The author explains how this cultural development came about. For generations boys learned from their fathers about how to be men by working alongside them in the fields. When society became urbanized this took men away from the home and left boys to be raised by their mothers. With Teachers also being primarily women, boys were growing up having to learn about how to be men from women. This of course led to some internalized distortions of what that meant. From vindictive women who wanted to teach their sons to not be "like" their father to women who merely could not understand boys' overly physical and disruptive behavior, women did what they knew best and raised boys to be and act in ways more similar to women. This of course creates an endless list of identification problems for boys when they come of age.
The root problem with Nice Guys is this, they crave more than anything else to simply be accepted and loved, a natural human need, but they go about it backwards by placing other's approval of them above their own approval of themselves. Thus they are like the perpetual child who does everything just right to try and please "mommy and daddy' so that they will love him. They grow up into perpetual people pleasers placing the mercy of their own internal well being on other people and their opinions of him.
Dr. Glover argues that the "Nice Guy" is the guy who because he has lost his "voice" resorts to passive aggression, dishonesty, and evasion all the while saying that he is fine and perfectly happy. Underneath, however, he is seething and miserable and doesn't understand or know why. Nice Guys are the guys that everyone can take advantage of, you can ask them for anything and they will give it up, they are easily exploited, they volunteer for everything. All the while they are only craving to be accepted.
Luckily there is a way out of this warped way of being. Integration, the root of of which "integer" means "whole". Integration meaning "to be whole". These men simply have to reclaim their lives, establish personal boundaries, stop living for the approval of others, do things for themselves and quit avoiding conflict. As they develop that relationship with their masculinity they will grow in personal Courage, Strength and Mastery. The fastest way for males to achieve this is by hanging out with other males. Only men can help other men learn to be true to themselves and live in line with their inner masculinity.
August 24, 2023
I picked the book to understand the opposite gender's approach towards life but honestly, I feel the book has discussed more generic issues and solutions.
This book constantly tells men that it's OK to be selfish and put yourself first. Let's get real, it's OK for every human despite gender. I was expecting a few specific issues and approaches.
Anyhow, I think the author is trying to explain the importance and proper implementation of "the first pillar of self-intimacy", which is considered once need (not mentioned clearly in the book though).
For those of us who are interested, you can always check the concept called the 4 pillars of self-intimacy (that I consider being the most important thing to know when it comes to self-awareness) without any gender-specific. For starters, the 4 pillars are :
1. Needs
2. Standards
3. Boundaries
4. Goals
And the roof being self-respect.
You can give it a try, here or here.
This book constantly tells men that it's OK to be selfish and put yourself first. Let's get real, it's OK for every human despite gender. I was expecting a few specific issues and approaches.
Anyhow, I think the author is trying to explain the importance and proper implementation of "the first pillar of self-intimacy", which is considered once need (not mentioned clearly in the book though).
For those of us who are interested, you can always check the concept called the 4 pillars of self-intimacy (that I consider being the most important thing to know when it comes to self-awareness) without any gender-specific. For starters, the 4 pillars are :
1. Needs
2. Standards
3. Boundaries
4. Goals
And the roof being self-respect.
You can give it a try, here or here.
December 1, 2015
Characteristics: According to this book, “Nice Guys” have a set of personality traits that they need to change in order to improve their lives. They think of themselves as doing everything “right,” giving to other people, taking care of other people and trying to help other people by fixing other people’s problems. But underneath the surface, they actually are desperately seeking approval from others, especially women. A Nice Guy’s life revolves around trying to please a woman and make her happy. Nice Guys are more comfortable relating to women than men. They are trying to avoid conflict, trying to hide their own flaws and mistakes and repressing their feelings. They have difficulty making their own needs a priority, and they make their partners their emotional center. They act like helpless, whiny, wimpy, needy victims, instead of taking control of their lives.
Causes: Nice Guys tend to have had absent fathers, and they try to be the opposite of their fathers. The problem is that they tend to be the opposite extreme, which is just a different kind of craziness. Nice Guys are monogamous to their mothers – they don’t become independent from their mothers after puberty. Nice Guys have feelings of abandonment from childhood that they have never let go of. This leads to toxic shame, the belief that there is something wrong with them, and the only way to get approval from others is to hide aspects of themselves that they think are bad. People who try to be perfect children grow up to be Nice Guys. Nice Guy syndrome started when boys started to grow up without men in an educational system dominated by women, and when certain anti-male attitudes became widespread (men are pigs, men are rapists, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle).
Covert contracts: Nice Guys believe they are giving, but they are only giving in order to get something in return. Nice Guys think: if I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be, then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life. When this doesn’t work, Nice Guys try harder, instead of doing the opposite. They think that if they are mostly good, they build up credit so that they will get a pass when they screw up. They try to be low maintenance, but they have a “covert contract.” If I’m nice to her, she’ll owe me, and she’ll do nice things for me. “I will do X for you, so that you will do X for me. We will both act as if we have no awareness of this contract.” Rather than just being nice with no strings attached, and directly asking for what they want, Nice Guys hide what they need and what they want. Caretaking means focusing on someone else’s needs in order to feel valuable, rather than trying to get your own needs met. Healthy people are caring but focus on getting their own needs met.
Compartmentalization: Nice Guys believe themselves to be honest, but they are actually dishonest and secretive. They compartmentalize their secret lives from the persona they try to project. They are not integrated, because they don’t accept both the good and bad aspects of themselves. They are isolated, passive-aggressive, full of rage and addictive. When they feel ashamed, they try to deflect the shame onto others by becoming defensive and pointing out the other person’s flaws. They build up walls (addictions, sarcasm, isolation), instead of letting it all hang out. They don’t realize that people are not drawn to perfection. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual’s life energy.
Co-creating dysfunctional relationships: Nice Guys have difficulty with intimacy, because they are attracted to people with problems who need fixing. They give in to their partners’ dysfunction by also being dysfunctional themselves. They become enmeshed in the relationship at the expense of doing the things that make them happy.
Copulation: Nice Guys are dissatisfied with their sex lives. Nice Guys think that sex is a pill that will take away loneliness, cure boredom, alleviate feelings of worthlessness, smooth over conflict, create feelings of being loved, relieve stress and generally solve all personal problems.
Careers: Nice Guys are only relatively successful, because they are underachievers, afraid to leave jobs even when they aspire to do something else.
Stop being a Nice Guy. Do the opposite:
Nice Guys should stop seeking the approval of others and make their own needs a priority. They should be giving with no strings attached. They should develop integrity and be honest. They should stop trying to hide their flaws and just allow themselves to be human. They should express their feelings. When they screw up, they should not defend, explain, excuse and rationalize (DEER); they should just admit they screwed up. They should ask for help when they need help. They should stop expecting life to be smooth and free of conflict.
A Nice Guy needs to believe that it’s okay to be a guy. He should hang out with other guys. He should be masculine. He should be comfortable around other guys. He should believe that other guys are not jerks. He should have male friends. He should build meaningful relationships with other men, not disassociate with other men. He should not be a loner. Men have strength, discipline, courage, passion, persistence and integrity. They can also be aggressive, destructive and brutal. Nice Guys should not repress the fact that they possess these traits.
If a Nice Guy’s wife is depressed, angry all the time and has no interest in sex, and if he feels like he’s constantly walking on eggshells trying to make sure he doesn’t do anything to upset her, he should “surrender.” That means he should accept what he cannot change and realize that everything will be okay even if the relationship fails to be what he wants it to be. He should think of this life experience as a “gift” that gives him the opportunity for self-improvement. In general, a Nice Guy should accept reality, instead of trying to change what he cannot control. He should act as if the thing that’s bothering him is a gift that will spur him to learn from his mistakes. Other things the author advocates: Masturbate without using any fantasy or pornography. Say no to bad sex; don’t be a “bottom feeder.” Consider going on a sexual moratorium for up to six months. Stop trying to please your wife in order to get more sex.
The author’s specific advice: Find safe people who can give you support, and then reveal yourself to the safe people, including your secrets, your dark side, the things you’re ashamed of. Stop hiding things. Figure out what happened during childhood that made you feel not OK. Don’t act pleasant, unselfish, gentlemanly, sober, healthy, nice, respectful, inoffensive and good in order to get approval from others – these are attachments. Act like you don’t care whether others approve of you, and stop hiding your imperfections. Act like people would still love you even if they saw your imperfections. Act as you would if you were not trying to please other people. Stop trying to be good in order to get validation from others. Do something for yourself. Tell yourself positive affirmations, such as “people love and accept me just as I am.” Take a vacation by yourself to a place where no one knows you, and be yourself. Spend a weekend putting your own needs first. Act like people want to help you get what you need. Stop entering into covert contracts. Stop caretaking, and start caring (giving with no strings attached). Be aware of “victim pukes” from the frustration of the other person not fulfilling their obligations in a covert contract: cutting remarks, embarrassing the other person in public, being critical, withdrawing, letting frustration build up until you blow up. Stop trying to do things right, play it safe, fix problems, not rocking the boat, stop being charming and helpful, stop being low maintenance, stop being controlling and manipulating, withholding information, repressing feelings, avoiding problems and difficult situations. Tell people how you feel, but not in a way that is critical of the other person; no one else is to blame for the way you feel. Confront your fears that prevent you from acting with integrity and convince yourself that you can handle it. Set boundaries regarding when you’re going to not put up with something and learn how to say “no.” Don’t tolerate intolerable behavior just to avoid conflict. Hang out with other guys, and stop seeking the approval of women. Stop neglecting your body; take care of yourself. Imitate healthy, masculine guys and visualize being one. Develop a realistic picture of what your father was like; how he failed to act as a male role model. Act as a role model yourself by doing guy stuff with your sons or other boys in your life. Reinforce good behavior from your partner and stop rewarding bad behavior, just like you would with your child. Don’t settle for bad sex; bad sex is worse than no sex. Realize that you have to meet your own needs; no one was put into this world to meet your needs but you. Don’t stay in a boring, unfulfilling job. Do what you want to do. Don’t settle for mediocrity. If there’s something you want to do, but you are afraid to fail, go ahead and do it anyway as if you knew you would succeed.
Well, I'm definitely not the archetypal "Nice Guy," but I can see what he's talking about. Good book. I think a book like this shows the limitations of the DSM. I bet this author has helped a lot of people, but obviously being a "Nice Guy" is not on the list of mental disorders.
Causes: Nice Guys tend to have had absent fathers, and they try to be the opposite of their fathers. The problem is that they tend to be the opposite extreme, which is just a different kind of craziness. Nice Guys are monogamous to their mothers – they don’t become independent from their mothers after puberty. Nice Guys have feelings of abandonment from childhood that they have never let go of. This leads to toxic shame, the belief that there is something wrong with them, and the only way to get approval from others is to hide aspects of themselves that they think are bad. People who try to be perfect children grow up to be Nice Guys. Nice Guy syndrome started when boys started to grow up without men in an educational system dominated by women, and when certain anti-male attitudes became widespread (men are pigs, men are rapists, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle).
Covert contracts: Nice Guys believe they are giving, but they are only giving in order to get something in return. Nice Guys think: if I can hide my flaws and become what I think others want me to be, then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life. When this doesn’t work, Nice Guys try harder, instead of doing the opposite. They think that if they are mostly good, they build up credit so that they will get a pass when they screw up. They try to be low maintenance, but they have a “covert contract.” If I’m nice to her, she’ll owe me, and she’ll do nice things for me. “I will do X for you, so that you will do X for me. We will both act as if we have no awareness of this contract.” Rather than just being nice with no strings attached, and directly asking for what they want, Nice Guys hide what they need and what they want. Caretaking means focusing on someone else’s needs in order to feel valuable, rather than trying to get your own needs met. Healthy people are caring but focus on getting their own needs met.
Compartmentalization: Nice Guys believe themselves to be honest, but they are actually dishonest and secretive. They compartmentalize their secret lives from the persona they try to project. They are not integrated, because they don’t accept both the good and bad aspects of themselves. They are isolated, passive-aggressive, full of rage and addictive. When they feel ashamed, they try to deflect the shame onto others by becoming defensive and pointing out the other person’s flaws. They build up walls (addictions, sarcasm, isolation), instead of letting it all hang out. They don’t realize that people are not drawn to perfection. People are drawn to shared interests, shared problems, and an individual’s life energy.
Co-creating dysfunctional relationships: Nice Guys have difficulty with intimacy, because they are attracted to people with problems who need fixing. They give in to their partners’ dysfunction by also being dysfunctional themselves. They become enmeshed in the relationship at the expense of doing the things that make them happy.
Copulation: Nice Guys are dissatisfied with their sex lives. Nice Guys think that sex is a pill that will take away loneliness, cure boredom, alleviate feelings of worthlessness, smooth over conflict, create feelings of being loved, relieve stress and generally solve all personal problems.
Careers: Nice Guys are only relatively successful, because they are underachievers, afraid to leave jobs even when they aspire to do something else.
Stop being a Nice Guy. Do the opposite:
Nice Guys should stop seeking the approval of others and make their own needs a priority. They should be giving with no strings attached. They should develop integrity and be honest. They should stop trying to hide their flaws and just allow themselves to be human. They should express their feelings. When they screw up, they should not defend, explain, excuse and rationalize (DEER); they should just admit they screwed up. They should ask for help when they need help. They should stop expecting life to be smooth and free of conflict.
A Nice Guy needs to believe that it’s okay to be a guy. He should hang out with other guys. He should be masculine. He should be comfortable around other guys. He should believe that other guys are not jerks. He should have male friends. He should build meaningful relationships with other men, not disassociate with other men. He should not be a loner. Men have strength, discipline, courage, passion, persistence and integrity. They can also be aggressive, destructive and brutal. Nice Guys should not repress the fact that they possess these traits.
If a Nice Guy’s wife is depressed, angry all the time and has no interest in sex, and if he feels like he’s constantly walking on eggshells trying to make sure he doesn’t do anything to upset her, he should “surrender.” That means he should accept what he cannot change and realize that everything will be okay even if the relationship fails to be what he wants it to be. He should think of this life experience as a “gift” that gives him the opportunity for self-improvement. In general, a Nice Guy should accept reality, instead of trying to change what he cannot control. He should act as if the thing that’s bothering him is a gift that will spur him to learn from his mistakes. Other things the author advocates: Masturbate without using any fantasy or pornography. Say no to bad sex; don’t be a “bottom feeder.” Consider going on a sexual moratorium for up to six months. Stop trying to please your wife in order to get more sex.
The author’s specific advice: Find safe people who can give you support, and then reveal yourself to the safe people, including your secrets, your dark side, the things you’re ashamed of. Stop hiding things. Figure out what happened during childhood that made you feel not OK. Don’t act pleasant, unselfish, gentlemanly, sober, healthy, nice, respectful, inoffensive and good in order to get approval from others – these are attachments. Act like you don’t care whether others approve of you, and stop hiding your imperfections. Act like people would still love you even if they saw your imperfections. Act as you would if you were not trying to please other people. Stop trying to be good in order to get validation from others. Do something for yourself. Tell yourself positive affirmations, such as “people love and accept me just as I am.” Take a vacation by yourself to a place where no one knows you, and be yourself. Spend a weekend putting your own needs first. Act like people want to help you get what you need. Stop entering into covert contracts. Stop caretaking, and start caring (giving with no strings attached). Be aware of “victim pukes” from the frustration of the other person not fulfilling their obligations in a covert contract: cutting remarks, embarrassing the other person in public, being critical, withdrawing, letting frustration build up until you blow up. Stop trying to do things right, play it safe, fix problems, not rocking the boat, stop being charming and helpful, stop being low maintenance, stop being controlling and manipulating, withholding information, repressing feelings, avoiding problems and difficult situations. Tell people how you feel, but not in a way that is critical of the other person; no one else is to blame for the way you feel. Confront your fears that prevent you from acting with integrity and convince yourself that you can handle it. Set boundaries regarding when you’re going to not put up with something and learn how to say “no.” Don’t tolerate intolerable behavior just to avoid conflict. Hang out with other guys, and stop seeking the approval of women. Stop neglecting your body; take care of yourself. Imitate healthy, masculine guys and visualize being one. Develop a realistic picture of what your father was like; how he failed to act as a male role model. Act as a role model yourself by doing guy stuff with your sons or other boys in your life. Reinforce good behavior from your partner and stop rewarding bad behavior, just like you would with your child. Don’t settle for bad sex; bad sex is worse than no sex. Realize that you have to meet your own needs; no one was put into this world to meet your needs but you. Don’t stay in a boring, unfulfilling job. Do what you want to do. Don’t settle for mediocrity. If there’s something you want to do, but you are afraid to fail, go ahead and do it anyway as if you knew you would succeed.
Well, I'm definitely not the archetypal "Nice Guy," but I can see what he's talking about. Good book. I think a book like this shows the limitations of the DSM. I bet this author has helped a lot of people, but obviously being a "Nice Guy" is not on the list of mental disorders.
January 19, 2013
Compared to the numerous other self help books I have read, this is up there as being the worst, repetitive nonsense about being "abandon" when we are children, I wasn't (no I'm not in denial).
No finished this book, only up to page 32, feels a chore to get through, avoid buying this book, look for better alternatives.
A quick quote from the book, "all nice guys have shame and fear about being sexual and about being sexual beings", am a nice guy and I don't have fear or shame, far from it, this book isn't about nice guys, it's more about people who are highly religious.... Pathetic attempt at a shelf help book
No finished this book, only up to page 32, feels a chore to get through, avoid buying this book, look for better alternatives.
A quick quote from the book, "all nice guys have shame and fear about being sexual and about being sexual beings", am a nice guy and I don't have fear or shame, far from it, this book isn't about nice guys, it's more about people who are highly religious.... Pathetic attempt at a shelf help book
October 28, 2019
Such a stupid book; I kept face-palming myself over some of the idiotic garbage printed on the pages. Why would anyone take romantic advice from someone who has been married three times?!
In the first chapter we're introduced to Todd, who "prides himself on treating women with honesty and respect" but "they all seem to be attracted to jerks rather than to Nice Guys like him". Are you f*cking kidding me? Treating women with respect is NOT THE PROBLEM. Maybe you're ugly. Maybe you're broke. Maybe you still live with your mother. But I guarantee you it's not because you're honest or respectful. Jesus Christ.
In the first chapter we're introduced to Todd, who "prides himself on treating women with honesty and respect" but "they all seem to be attracted to jerks rather than to Nice Guys like him". Are you f*cking kidding me? Treating women with respect is NOT THE PROBLEM. Maybe you're ugly. Maybe you're broke. Maybe you still live with your mother. But I guarantee you it's not because you're honest or respectful. Jesus Christ.
August 31, 2015
It's been about 6 or 7 years since I read this book. So I don't remember much about it other than I liked it and was inspired by the authors story about how it took him like 10 years to write it and his wife had to threaten divorce before he got off his perfectionist ass and finished it.
I was kind of shocked to see all of the extremely negative reviews. So I decided to chuck some stars up there for the author. Four of em to be exact. ****
Here's to every guy who starts out a pussy, becomes a marital and family therapist, writes a book about being a pussy and how to be more of a dick, becomes a dick in the process, and goes on conservative talk shows to promote his book about how to become more dickish.
As it turns out, the book made this guys career fucking explode. He's on the national level now.
Pussy gone dick + book + Rush Limbaugh = Kaboom!
That's inspirational I don't care who you are!
NOTE: I actually like nice people, and I hate Rush Limbaugh. Please don't mistake this for an endorsement of anything that guy's ever done.
But I still liked this book so fuck off :-)
I was kind of shocked to see all of the extremely negative reviews. So I decided to chuck some stars up there for the author. Four of em to be exact. ****
Here's to every guy who starts out a pussy, becomes a marital and family therapist, writes a book about being a pussy and how to be more of a dick, becomes a dick in the process, and goes on conservative talk shows to promote his book about how to become more dickish.
As it turns out, the book made this guys career fucking explode. He's on the national level now.
Pussy gone dick + book + Rush Limbaugh = Kaboom!
That's inspirational I don't care who you are!
NOTE: I actually like nice people, and I hate Rush Limbaugh. Please don't mistake this for an endorsement of anything that guy's ever done.
But I still liked this book so fuck off :-)
September 7, 2014
No self-help is gospel, but when a phenomenon is NAMED and no longer ambiguous-that's 4 stars.
Nice work, Dr Glover.
Nice work, Dr Glover.
January 19, 2013
The book provides a clear diagnosis of the "Mr. Nice Guy" syndrome and reveals you the truth about it: "Mr. Nice Guy" is not nice at all. In fat, "Nice Guy" is a misnomer. The "Nice Guy" utilize manipulation and covert contracts to achieve what he wants, rather than being direct and properly articulating his needs. "Mr. Nice Guy" is not satisfied and utilizes methods that only backfire on himself. Fortunately, the author provides some solutions.
The key methods to stop being a "Nice Guy" are as follows:
1. Articulate your needs clearly. Do not utilize manipulation to achieve what you want. You need a clear communication channel in your relationships.
2. Having boundaries and saying "No" are not poor qualities; instead, they are highly respectable qualities. People are attracted to those who know themselves well and establish clear boundaries. If someone is a pushover then who is that person really? They have no boundary to construct their identity with.
3. Establish self-justice. "Nice Guys" can peek into other relationships and identify the issue; yet they cannot see the issues when they are in it. "Nice Guys" need to step back and determine whether they are being fairly treated from a third-person perspective. They need to understand having needs and fulfilling those needs are not poor qualities.
The book receives three stars due to its repetitive nature and emphasis of "Nice Guy" syndrome where it may not apply. It is best to complement this book with negotiation books such as "Getting to Yes" to understand how to fulfill your needs based on sound principles. You do not want to setup faulty boundaries or have unrealistic needs. You need to focus on your principles and use them to "negotiate". When you learn how to negotiate, learn to identify "Nice Guys", read a couple of other books on self-empowerment, then you are ready for your metamorphosis from the "Nice Guy" to the "Confident Gentlemen"!
The key methods to stop being a "Nice Guy" are as follows:
1. Articulate your needs clearly. Do not utilize manipulation to achieve what you want. You need a clear communication channel in your relationships.
2. Having boundaries and saying "No" are not poor qualities; instead, they are highly respectable qualities. People are attracted to those who know themselves well and establish clear boundaries. If someone is a pushover then who is that person really? They have no boundary to construct their identity with.
3. Establish self-justice. "Nice Guys" can peek into other relationships and identify the issue; yet they cannot see the issues when they are in it. "Nice Guys" need to step back and determine whether they are being fairly treated from a third-person perspective. They need to understand having needs and fulfilling those needs are not poor qualities.
The book receives three stars due to its repetitive nature and emphasis of "Nice Guy" syndrome where it may not apply. It is best to complement this book with negotiation books such as "Getting to Yes" to understand how to fulfill your needs based on sound principles. You do not want to setup faulty boundaries or have unrealistic needs. You need to focus on your principles and use them to "negotiate". When you learn how to negotiate, learn to identify "Nice Guys", read a couple of other books on self-empowerment, then you are ready for your metamorphosis from the "Nice Guy" to the "Confident Gentlemen"!
April 2, 2018
No More Nice guy!
This book is discuses the idea of being a Very nice person to everyone you treat with and that can make you a goalless person and you will have no ability to say "NO" to anyone and that makes you achieve nothing in your life ...
SO
you have to do 2 steps
1-note that someone exploits you
2-Tell him "I know you are exploiting me -in his face- and I don`t like that"
And only do your best treatment with the person who deserve it.
But I see that can turn a man into a bad one and don`t consider to people circumstances and have a bad intention for people doing.
This book is discuses the idea of being a Very nice person to everyone you treat with and that can make you a goalless person and you will have no ability to say "NO" to anyone and that makes you achieve nothing in your life ...
SO
you have to do 2 steps
1-note that someone exploits you
2-Tell him "I know you are exploiting me -in his face- and I don`t like that"
And only do your best treatment with the person who deserve it.
But I see that can turn a man into a bad one and don`t consider to people circumstances and have a bad intention for people doing.
May 2, 2014
Nice guys do things for women expecting something in return.
Don't do that. Don't delegate your happiness to others.
And I forgot the rest. Which is details.
tl;dr: Don't be a pussy.
Don't do that. Don't delegate your happiness to others.
And I forgot the rest. Which is details.
tl;dr: Don't be a pussy.
February 14, 2016
I'm going to be completely honest and say that I had a slight aversion to the title of this book. The use of the term 'Nice Guy' in common discourse is usually an irritating (if not downright dangerous) misnomer for self-righteous, one-dimensional men. These men are usually moralistic and entitled 'victims', waiting for someone to tell them that it's alright to be ineffective and destructive because they've earned it as their personal experience suggests that being accommodating is unrewarding.
Robert Glover has met these people, too, and even admits to being one before writing this book. He most consistently refers to the topic of 'toxic shame' that brings about an overwhelming urge to be accommodating. What follows is a systematic explanation on the destructive effects of men being ashamed to be genuine about their needs, with very concrete (albeit anecdotal) examples and relevant action points.
If you're very sensitive to gender politics, I have to advise you that this book extrapolates on the societal and parental climate around the Nice Guy phenomenon. But let's be clear: this book has nothing to do with exerting power over people of either gender; it is all about taking responsibility for every aspect of your own life. In saying that, I got the most insight from this book because I didn't see it as a political statement: I saw it as a compassionate attempt at counselling people from a person who has learned from his own mistakes. And I, for one, am really grateful for the help.
Robert Glover has met these people, too, and even admits to being one before writing this book. He most consistently refers to the topic of 'toxic shame' that brings about an overwhelming urge to be accommodating. What follows is a systematic explanation on the destructive effects of men being ashamed to be genuine about their needs, with very concrete (albeit anecdotal) examples and relevant action points.
If you're very sensitive to gender politics, I have to advise you that this book extrapolates on the societal and parental climate around the Nice Guy phenomenon. But let's be clear: this book has nothing to do with exerting power over people of either gender; it is all about taking responsibility for every aspect of your own life. In saying that, I got the most insight from this book because I didn't see it as a political statement: I saw it as a compassionate attempt at counselling people from a person who has learned from his own mistakes. And I, for one, am really grateful for the help.
December 19, 2023
في نهاية الكتاب المؤلف وضع قائمة من 30 قاعدة ينفعوك في حياتك، وحسيت إنهم هيبقوا روشين بالعامية فترجمتهم ولميتهم في 23 نقطة صغننين:
1. اللي تخاف منه اعمله.
2. ما تقبلش بالأقل عشان هتاخده. (القليل مش اللي في دماغك)
3. ما تركّبش حد عليك. (تورية)
4. مهما يحصل هتسندل ما تقلقش. (أنت جامد)
5. لما تحط إيدك في حاجة، اعمل عظمة. (ط
6. لو بتستخدم نفس الطريقة كل مرة، هتوصل لنفس النتائج السابقة؛ شوية إبداع الله يسترك.
7. ما حدش غيرك مسؤول عن احتياجاتك ورغباتك وسعادتك، عايز حاجة قوم جيبها.
8. اسلك ولو عايز حاجة من حد قولها بوضوح.
9. عباس الضو بيقول لأ، حكيم بيقول لأ لأ لأ لأ، دول قدوتك.
10. كفاياك أعذار ولآخر مرة هقولها لك: كفاياك أعذار.
11. أنت شحط ما شاء الله، حط قواعد لنفسك بنفس ذات نفسك، واحترم نفسك عشان الناس تحترمك وتحترمها.
12. سيب الناس تساعدك عادي، لا تسوي نفسك تامر حسني.
13. اسلك لنفسك وما تحورش عليها. (اتربى عيب)
14. ما تخليش حد يقِل منك، أيا كان. (الكرامة يااا..)
15. اطلع من الوحل بنفسك ما تستناش الوحل يزهق ويمشي. (أو حبه، هيسيبك..)
16. ما تغرقش في اللوم، الحياة ما بتطبطبش على ضحايا.
17. اعمل الصح، ولو طلع غلط تحمل المسؤولية عادي.
18. عامل نفسك حلو يا غالي، وروّق عليها.
19. لو ركزت على اللي ضاع منك عمرك ما هتشوف اللي بيستناك، شوف رزقك الدنيا واسعة.
20. خليك بسيط كالماء واضح كطلقة مسدس.
21. اتبسط يابني كله رايح.
22. اقع وقوم وقوم واقع واغلط واتعلم من غلطك وعيش. (انهض يا جدع وناضل مثل الرجال)
23. لا تسوّي نفسك إله، اللي مش في إيدك مش في إيدك، سلّم إيدك لربنا هو اللي بيمشي الكون مش جنابك. (أنت جامد ومهم بس إنسان معانا ما تفخمهاش).
January 30, 2022
This book is low in quality content. I gave it the benefit of the doubt at the beginning, but after three chapters I had to stop. I cannot believe this author is a counselor. He shows very little understanding of evidence-based psychology.
Check these ones instead:
“Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love”
by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller
“Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last” by John M. Gottman
“Love Is Never Enough
How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy”
Aaron T. Beck, M.D.
Thorough review of this book:
https://www.richardcarrier.info/archi...
Check these ones instead:
“Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep-- Love”
by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller
“Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last” by John M. Gottman
“Love Is Never Enough
How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts, and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy”
Aaron T. Beck, M.D.
Thorough review of this book:
https://www.richardcarrier.info/archi...
August 13, 2020
I'll get straight to the point. This book sucks. I got about 100 pages in and realized I was only halfway through and decided it wasn't worth the time to finish. It's not because it's "controversial" but because it's simply bad. I'm not one to shy away from the controversial and especially not from the manosphere but this just isn't good. I don't consider myself a "Nice Guy" but I know that most men could stand to actively check themselves to see what areas of their life need improvement. Initially, I wondered if I was the wrong audience for the book and not really the "Nice Guy" he is working with, but then I realized that any of these "Nice Guys" who actually need help aren't going to get it here.
1. The Tone of the Book
The author is a therapist and it shows. Every obnoxious stereotype of therapy is true of this book: vague empty words about "baggage," "surrender," "support," "manipulation," and how "messy" life is, how to "let go," and "be yourself." This dude wrote a book for Beta Males and yet he himself can't even be direct. This is the kind of inane nonsense that you pay therapists $150/hour for and accomplish nothing. The author literally describes a time he got in an argument with his wife and HE went to go cry in the bathroom because his feelings got hurt.
2. The Self Promotion
The author can't go a chapter without talking about his seminars, almost like they are a specialized Alcoholics Anonymous chapter. I didn't buy the book to learn about your seminars dude. The author himself being twice divorced really begs the question of why he is so qualified to give men advice about relationships.
3. The Case Studies
These ranged from disgusting to infuriating. I'm supposed to be sitting around reading about the sex lives of gay men and be rooting for their relationship? Hard pass. This guy gives at least two examples of men he convinced to get divorces including one who had just had an affair, and he acted like it was a real accomplishment for the man to get the courage to do so. Exhibit A on why one should mistrust family therapists.
4. The Broad Generalizations
Every single "Nice Guy" got that way because of his childhood. Every single "Nice Guy" is ultimately concerned with winning approval. I found there were a few of the "Nice Guy" problems that I felt like I've had in previous relationships but almost none of the "Nice Guy" tendencies and behaviors. So, false positive? What's the real problem here?
I could go on but this review has gone on long enough. If you're a pansy and you want to become a slightly more selfish pansy, go ahead and buy this book.
1. The Tone of the Book
The author is a therapist and it shows. Every obnoxious stereotype of therapy is true of this book: vague empty words about "baggage," "surrender," "support," "manipulation," and how "messy" life is, how to "let go," and "be yourself." This dude wrote a book for Beta Males and yet he himself can't even be direct. This is the kind of inane nonsense that you pay therapists $150/hour for and accomplish nothing. The author literally describes a time he got in an argument with his wife and HE went to go cry in the bathroom because his feelings got hurt.
2. The Self Promotion
The author can't go a chapter without talking about his seminars, almost like they are a specialized Alcoholics Anonymous chapter. I didn't buy the book to learn about your seminars dude. The author himself being twice divorced really begs the question of why he is so qualified to give men advice about relationships.
3. The Case Studies
These ranged from disgusting to infuriating. I'm supposed to be sitting around reading about the sex lives of gay men and be rooting for their relationship? Hard pass. This guy gives at least two examples of men he convinced to get divorces including one who had just had an affair, and he acted like it was a real accomplishment for the man to get the courage to do so. Exhibit A on why one should mistrust family therapists.
4. The Broad Generalizations
Every single "Nice Guy" got that way because of his childhood. Every single "Nice Guy" is ultimately concerned with winning approval. I found there were a few of the "Nice Guy" problems that I felt like I've had in previous relationships but almost none of the "Nice Guy" tendencies and behaviors. So, false positive? What's the real problem here?
I could go on but this review has gone on long enough. If you're a pansy and you want to become a slightly more selfish pansy, go ahead and buy this book.
July 9, 2017
This book is the perfect practical follow-up to Robert Bly's Iron John: A Book About Men. This is because Bly explains the initiation journey of men in the poetic story of the Wild Man, which might seem far-fetched and difficult to put into practice at times. Glover here, on the other hand, presents practical steps for modern man to take on this journey and the psychological implications behind the Nice Guy phenomenon. In other words, in Iron John, man may be left wondering sometimes and asking, What to do? How in the world does stealing the key from under the mother's pillow look like in real life? In No More Mr. Nice Guy, however, the misty masculine path Bly once paved becomes suddenly clear with Glover's scientific straightforward step-by-step approach.
Here's what struck me most after reading: increased self-awareness and self-knowledge.
Recommended for guys who can't seem to make it in the world and wonder why because they have always been so Nice! (Read: Fake!)
Here's what struck me most after reading: increased self-awareness and self-knowledge.
Recommended for guys who can't seem to make it in the world and wonder why because they have always been so Nice! (Read: Fake!)
July 1, 2018
Second read: 7/1/18
This is one of those foundational books that I read at a time when I really needed to find myself. Five years later it still offers up some great insight that grounds me. I've been feeling detached from myself as a man and needed to read this to realign my thinking properly. The core of this book is about letting go of the desire for people to accept you and to just be you without any strings attached to others. To do things that you want to do and not to do things for the acceptance or attention of others. Great book that I highly recommend to any young man trying to figure out who he is.
First read: 9/5/13
Will be reading this again at some point. A little bit repetitive at times though. Helping me become the man I want to be.
This is one of those foundational books that I read at a time when I really needed to find myself. Five years later it still offers up some great insight that grounds me. I've been feeling detached from myself as a man and needed to read this to realign my thinking properly. The core of this book is about letting go of the desire for people to accept you and to just be you without any strings attached to others. To do things that you want to do and not to do things for the acceptance or attention of others. Great book that I highly recommend to any young man trying to figure out who he is.
First read: 9/5/13
Will be reading this again at some point. A little bit repetitive at times though. Helping me become the man I want to be.
April 6, 2017
کتاب بدی نیست؛ یک کتاب اخلاقی است تا یک کتاب در زمینه ی اغواگری
پیام کتاب پیرامون موضوع مهمی است که هسته ی کتاب می باشد ولی بقیه کتاب تکرار مکرارات
دقیقاً این کتاب مثل کتاب
The ONE Thing
در بردارنده ی یک پیام مهمه
ولی با یه سری چیزهای اضافی دیگه از بقیه ی کتاب های خودیاری
مردهای ایرانی که باید حتماً این کتاب را بخوانند
:)))
پیام کتاب پیرامون موضوع مهمی است که هسته ی کتاب می باشد ولی بقیه کتاب تکرار مکرارات
دقیقاً این کتاب مثل کتاب
The ONE Thing
در بردارنده ی یک پیام مهمه
ولی با یه سری چیزهای اضافی دیگه از بقیه ی کتاب های خودیاری
مردهای ایرانی که باید حتماً این کتاب را بخوانند
:)))
March 2, 2017
This might be the most important book I've ever read, the amount of insight I gained from reading this can't be expressed in just words. I would recommend every man, even if you don't think you're a nice guy, reads this. You may be surprised at what you uncover.
May 13, 2017
Like many psychology/self-help books out there, No More Mr. Nice Guy has a fat layer of "this is going to change your life" marketing fluff. But if you are patient enough to work through it, the book has a lot of substance. Substance that can blow your mind. The reason it blew my mind is that the book is extremely relatable and targeted at folks like me - "the nice guys", who seem to be programmed to please people, who are afraid to make mistakes, and beat themselves up if they do. The author approaches the book like a therapist talking about the psychological underpinnings of "nice guys" (some of these are insightful, others are just plain amusing) and strategies to overcome common pitfalls (again, some of these are insightful, others are just plain amusing). It's like an older friend, or a relative, telling you - "Look buddy. Don't be a wuss". You don't agree with everything they say - they give you terrible analogies and say controversial things. But you understand that the spirit of what they're trying to convey. So you listen to them, and pick the piece of advice that you think is valuable for you, and ignore the rest.
I do think that the book has been somewhat transformational for me - it didn't give me "a concrete thing", but it made me more cognizant about the moments where (i) I refrain from doing something because I'm afraid of making a mistake, (ii) There is something that I hate, but I commit to doing it just because I want to please some people, (iii) Overcommitting and under-delivering, (iv) Beating myself up for making a mistake etc.
We'll see if this increased self-awareness amounts to anything. Maybe I'll write a book about that some day.
I do think that the book has been somewhat transformational for me - it didn't give me "a concrete thing", but it made me more cognizant about the moments where (i) I refrain from doing something because I'm afraid of making a mistake, (ii) There is something that I hate, but I commit to doing it just because I want to please some people, (iii) Overcommitting and under-delivering, (iv) Beating myself up for making a mistake etc.
We'll see if this increased self-awareness amounts to anything. Maybe I'll write a book about that some day.
January 25, 2015
Helped me view myself for what I was at that moment: a perfect, pure Nice Guy. Found a lot of hurting truths for me along the way, but also found a lot of solutions to help fix that and break free of the Nice Guy Sindrome which posessed me. I am now on my way to getting my needs met, being authentic and getting what I want in love and life. I reccomend it to anyone (male or female) who desires to get a better sense of him/herself and understand those around.
March 3, 2023
Синдромът "Nice guy" е добре известен и у нас, макар май да няма име на нашия език. Това са тоя тип мъже (главно младежи), които нямат успех с жените, въпреки (или по-скоро ��менно поради) всичките си старания да са добри.
Характерно за тях е, че нямат подход към нежния пол - не им идва отвътре да са самоуверени. Те много се стараят, прекалено премислят нещата, и много силно се опитват да се сприятелят с жените - дотолкова, че самата жена, обект на "ухажването" им не го възприема като такова, а почва да ги възприема просто като приятели.
Това положение на нещата разбира се води до постоянни разочарования и натрупване вътрешен гняв за тия мъже, така че всъщност те не са особено "добри" като характер и таят осъзнато или не, презрение към жените. Така че те хем поставят жените на пиадестал и се стремят всячески да им угаждат (а коя жена иска мъж изтривалка?), хем вътрешно негодуват срещу това и ненавиждат жените, че не им дават това, което смятат, че заслужават (т.е. любов и секс).
Причините за нарастващия брой такива мъже са комплексни, но добрата новина е, че тоя синдром се лекува. За целта обаче е нужна малко "сурова любов", т.е. някой да ти каже нещата право ти куме в очи и без да ги захаросва. Цялата red pill философия е насочена към това. Настоящият автор на тази книга обаче е психолог и терапевт, а те не са от хората, които казват нещата право ти куме в очи, даже съвсем обратното. Поради това той в цялата книга се върти около простите, но неудобни истини, без да има смелостта да ги каже, залива ни с психологичен жаргон и прави нещата много по-сложни, отколкото е нужно да бъдат, и при това доста по-трудно разбираеми и ултимативно - по-малко ефективни.
Понякога всеки има нужда от един силен шут в гъза, който да го стресне и да го насочи в правилната посока. Тази книга правилно идентифицира грешната посока и проблемите в мисленето и вижданията за света и отношенията между половете, които водят до нея, но според мен не осигурява достатъчно силен шут.
Характерно за тях е, че нямат подход към нежния пол - не им идва отвътре да са самоуверени. Те много се стараят, прекалено премислят нещата, и много силно се опитват да се сприятелят с жените - дотолкова, че самата жена, обект на "ухажването" им не го възприема като такова, а почва да ги възприема просто като приятели.
Това положение на нещата разбира се води до постоянни разочарования и натрупване вътрешен гняв за тия мъже, така че всъщност те не са особено "добри" като характер и таят осъзнато или не, презрение към жените. Така че те хем поставят жените на пиадестал и се стремят всячески да им угаждат (а коя жена иска мъж изтривалка?), хем вътрешно негодуват срещу това и ненавиждат жените, че не им дават това, което смятат, че заслужават (т.е. любов и секс).
Причините за нарастващия брой такива мъже са комплексни, но добрата новина е, че тоя синдром се лекува. За целта обаче е нужна малко "сурова любов", т.е. някой да ти каже нещата право ти куме в очи и без да ги захаросва. Цялата red pill философия е насочена към това. Настоящият автор на тази книга обаче е психолог и терапевт, а те не са от хората, които казват нещата право ти куме в очи, даже съвсем обратното. Поради това той в цялата книга се върти около простите, но неудобни истини, без да има смелостта да ги каже, залива ни с психологичен жаргон и прави нещата много по-сложни, отколкото е нужно да бъдат, и при това доста по-трудно разбираеми и ултимативно - по-малко ефективни.
Понякога всеки има нужда от един силен шут в гъза, който да го стресне и да го насочи в правилната посока. Тази книга правилно идентифицира грешната посока и проблемите в мисленето и вижданията за света и отношенията между половете, които водят до нея, но според мен не осигурява достатъчно силен шут.
August 9, 2016
Very insightful in places, but in other places goes facepalmingly overboard with (probably unintentional) sexism and unsubstantiated notions about how human psychology works. Also, the author's worldview seems quite conservative in some regards, and it shows.
However, it still managed to shed some light on things I used to do in the past that I'm not proud of, despite the fact that some things about this book annoyed me. If one keeps his/her critical thinking faculties about them, they can derive some value from this work.
However, it still managed to shed some light on things I used to do in the past that I'm not proud of, despite the fact that some things about this book annoyed me. If one keeps his/her critical thinking faculties about them, they can derive some value from this work.
January 12, 2019
It is for men. Actually for all men who feel that something is not right in their life. This book puts plenty of men to the 'Nice Guys' category and really does not draw a line. Not an elite book as it is quite one dimensional, but there is bunch of things to like.
By putting an emphasis on assertiveness, integrity and following your own desires, it portrays a proper road towards happier and more fulfilling life without resentment and doubt.
Will pick up one or few advice and look into myself through that lense. One particular I liked - set aside a time to travel by yourself into an environment, where you have no particular reason to keep your 'mistake-less' image. Just notice yourself. Will try to do that as the circumstances luckily allow me to do that.
By putting an emphasis on assertiveness, integrity and following your own desires, it portrays a proper road towards happier and more fulfilling life without resentment and doubt.
Will pick up one or few advice and look into myself through that lense. One particular I liked - set aside a time to travel by yourself into an environment, where you have no particular reason to keep your 'mistake-less' image. Just notice yourself. Will try to do that as the circumstances luckily allow me to do that.
November 6, 2018
These are the main ideas of the book:
Nice = helpless, pathetic, Unauthentic
Absence of fathers during childhood = not knowing how to be a man
A man = not a human but what the society defines as a man
Avoiding conflict = weak person
Being treated badly by a woman = being a nice man
The problem about this book is that it wouldn't make you neither a nice nor a jerk, it will turn your perception flat and we already have millions of those in our world, do we need more?
Nice = helpless, pathetic, Unauthentic
Absence of fathers during childhood = not knowing how to be a man
A man = not a human but what the society defines as a man
Avoiding conflict = weak person
Being treated badly by a woman = being a nice man
The problem about this book is that it wouldn't make you neither a nice nor a jerk, it will turn your perception flat and we already have millions of those in our world, do we need more?
September 17, 2018
This book really resonates with me as I tend to be a pleasing nice guy who avoid conflict. Though the writing isn't fantastic, at least the advices were logical and not sexual centered or ask you to be a Jerk.
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