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The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships
Neil Strauss became famous to millions around the world as the author of The Game, a funny and slyly instructive account of how he transformed himself from a scrawny, insecure nerd into the ultra-confident, ultra-successful “pickup artist” known as Style. The book jump-started the international “seduction community,” and made Strauss a household name—revered or notorious—among single men and women alike.
But the experience of writing The Game also transformed Strauss into a man who could have what every man wants: the ability to date or have casual sex with almost every woman he met. The results were heady, to be sure. But they also conditioned him to view the world as a kind of constant parade of women, sex, and opportunity—with intimacy and long-term commitment taking a back seat. That is, until he met the woman who forced him to choose between herself and the parade. The choice was not only difficult, it was wrenching. It forced him deep into his past, to confront not only the moral dimensions of his pickup lifestyle, but also a wrenching mystery in his childhood that shaped the man that he became. It sent him into extremes of behavior that exposed just how conflicted his life had become. And it made him question everything he knew about himself, and about the way men and women live with and without each other.
He would never be the same again.
Searingly honest, compulsively readable, this book may have the same effect on you.
But the experience of writing The Game also transformed Strauss into a man who could have what every man wants: the ability to date or have casual sex with almost every woman he met. The results were heady, to be sure. But they also conditioned him to view the world as a kind of constant parade of women, sex, and opportunity—with intimacy and long-term commitment taking a back seat. That is, until he met the woman who forced him to choose between herself and the parade. The choice was not only difficult, it was wrenching. It forced him deep into his past, to confront not only the moral dimensions of his pickup lifestyle, but also a wrenching mystery in his childhood that shaped the man that he became. It sent him into extremes of behavior that exposed just how conflicted his life had become. And it made him question everything he knew about himself, and about the way men and women live with and without each other.
He would never be the same again.
Searingly honest, compulsively readable, this book may have the same effect on you.
448 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2015
About the author
Neil Strauss
45 books1,672 followersNeil Strauss is the author of the New York Times bestsellers The Game, Rules of the Game, Emergency, and Everyone Loves You When You're Dead. He is also the coauthor of four other bestsellers--Jenna Jameson's How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, Mötley Crüe's The Dirt, and Marilyn Manson's The Long Hard Road Out of Hell, and Dave Navarro's Don't Try This at Home. He can be found at www.neilstrauss.com.
His latest book, The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships, was released on October 13. The review in Grantland described it as follows:
"I want you to read this book. I want your partners to read this book. I want your families, your friends, your coworkers, and your colleagues to read this book. I want women to read it, and men -- especially men -- to read it. But more than that, I want you to think critically about it, about what it says about you and the world around you and your romantic relationships. I want it to inspire you to dig deep inside yourself and figure out what's stopping you from making yourself happy: I want it to inspire you to embrace and engage with love, in an honest and healthy way."
His latest book, The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships, was released on October 13. The review in Grantland described it as follows:
"I want you to read this book. I want your partners to read this book. I want your families, your friends, your coworkers, and your colleagues to read this book. I want women to read it, and men -- especially men -- to read it. But more than that, I want you to think critically about it, about what it says about you and the world around you and your romantic relationships. I want it to inspire you to dig deep inside yourself and figure out what's stopping you from making yourself happy: I want it to inspire you to embrace and engage with love, in an honest and healthy way."
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October 20, 2015
So full disclosure: I was given a copy of The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships for review, I’ve hung out with Neil and I’m a former pick-up artist myself. So with all that in mind…
The Truth is an interesting book. It’s one that’s fairly easy to be cynical about. I mean, first Neil Strauss becomes famous* for writing a book that taught millions of dudes to try to use Svengali-esque techniques to get laid and now he’s writing about leaving it all behind and embracing monogamy? Like that’s not part of every self-help guru’s progression. After all everyone loves a reformed sinner, right? I mean, shit, the book itself enforces this view - its white faux-leather Bible stylings is the literal opposite of The Game.
* Strauss may have been infamous for The Game, but the man had written multiple NYT Bestselling biographies and non-fiction books well before The Game ever happened, as well as being a well-known reporter for Rolling Stone.
So needless to say: it’s incredibly easy to see this as being Strauss grabbing for a redemption narrative now that he’s become a poster-child for annoying douchebags at clubs and pushy OKCupid dates and the assholes clustering around public streets in major cities in order to pick up women walking by.
And the first couple chapters don’t necessarily help. The book opens with the fact that Neil has cheated on his long-term girlfriend with one of her best friends and - as many men have done upon getting caught - is heading to rehab for sex addiction. Again, this is something we’ve seen over and over again: get caught doing a bad thing, claim that bad thing is out of your control, make public showing of trying to beat bad thing through therapy at a resort-cum-retreat that’s less therapy and more of a long vacation.
So you’d be forgiven for seeing this as Neil doing a very public mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. But that’s not what’s going on.
What we’re reading is someone who’s doing some very explicit, very unpleasant and incredibly painful soul-searching, trying to come to terms with a lot of ugliness in his past. It’s almost shockingly vulnerable, Neil Strauss as open as we’re ever likely to see another person, trying to figure out just what it is that drives him to push away people he cares about.
Now to be fair: one of my longest-running pet-peeves is the trope of “the womanizer is only a womanizer because he has some trauma in his past and is healed to settle down to life-long vanilla monogamy,” and it’s incredibly easy to see The Truth in that light. But thats’ not quite right either.
There’s a saying: the path to wisdom is along the road to excess. And God knows Neil goes to excess here. After breaking up with his girlfriend and leaving sex addict rehab, Neil decides to pursue ethical non-monogamy and - as in The Game - dives in head first, visiting polyamory conferences, swingers parties, play parties and kink salons and - not surprisingly - having a lot of sex. Like, Caligula-levels of sex at times.
And here’s the thing: despite the fact that Neil is doing some Olympic sport-fucking, none of it is portrayed as all that appealing. In fact, despite living out scenarios that would be hard to swallow (sorry) in porn, most of it feels awkward and uncomfortable and leaves the reader feeling like they’d really rather just go. As with many an ill-advised hook-up, as soon as the one busts one’s nut (or realizes it’s not going to happen at all), it quits being fun and becomes something that you’d rather leave as quickly and unseen as possible.
As many people have before him, Neil is slowly being forced to realize that all the sex in the world isn’t going to make him happy. It’s a way of filling a hole in his life, a sort of addiction to numb the pain… and like every addict, it’s never going to be quite enough to do what he ultimately wants.
Now, perhaps it’s the English major in me looking for any excuse to justify my BA, but I can’t help but notice that The Truth echoes other works. Like Warren Ellis’ Crooked Little Vein, we’re getting a guided tour of the polyamory underbelly of the world. In fact in many ways, it becomes a Who’s Who of sex researchers, therapists and counselors; Dr. Helen Fisher, Esther Perel and Reid Meihalko all make appearances to one degree or another, while Tristain Taormino, Christopher Ryan, Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy all make cameos via their books.
But more than anything else, The Truth reminds me of - and is structured like - Dante’s Divine Comedy. Neil is the erstwhile Dante, crawling deeper and deeper into the pit of sexual decadence in search of his sacred Beatrice before reaching the Purgatory of therapy and ultimately the Paradise of a happy, fulfilled life. In fact, it’s as he’s literally climbing out of the pit that he finally realizes what he truly wants and what he needs to do.
This isn’t to say that the artful construction and structure of the book belies it’s claims to authenticity. There’s really not a moment where you feel that Neil is being untruthful or trying to polish up his image or excuse his past excesses. If anything, it feels painfully honest to a fault - even a little self-pitying at times; the phrase “I’m not the hero of this book, I’m the villain” echoes over and over through the narrative. This actually annoys me. While yes, I do have the benefit of being the detached outside observer, the fact is that there really aren’t any bad guys here. Yes, people get hurt, sometimes hurt badly… but it’s not out of malice or even self-absorbtion. What you see in The Truth are people who are well-meaning and well-intentioned but ultimately wrong for each other; square pegs convinced that they should be round and believing that if they try hard enough or find the right angle, they’ll finally fit into that round hole.
To be fair: most of the book focuses on Neil trying to convince himself that what he wants is different from how he used to be in his days as Style… despite the fact that what he ultimately wants is a harem, just as he did when he was part of Project Hollywood. Unlike his time as Style, he’s much more aware of just how much he’s hurting other people - as well as himself. This is never driven home more than by excerpts from his various partners’ diaries and journals. We get to hear, in their words, just how bad things are from their perspective and it’s heartbreaking.
Much like The Game, The Truth is a book that’s going to be misunderstood. People saw The Game as a how-to manual, rather than the story of a group of men who were fundamentally broken inside trying to use sexual success as a way of increasing their self worth. People will also see The Truth as a condemnation of non-monogamy and polyamory, which is a shame. See, the theme isn’t that monogamy is best and non-monongamists are fooling themselves, it’s that if you’re not emotionally healthy, no relationship is going to work.
Part of the overarching theme of the book is that Neil is continually sabotaging himself by throwing himself in head first, biting off more than anyone can chew. His very first foray into ethical non-monogamy involves trying to form a poly triad with everyone living under the same roof. His next involves trying to form his own commune. His third involves starting an open relationship with no rules whatsoever.
Small wonder he fails every time; it’s not what he wants deep down and so it falls apart. It would be almost comedic if it weren’t for the very human toll it takes on him and his partners.
(It’s significant, to me anyway, that the happiest and most successful polys and kinksters are at Reid Meihalko’s party, where everything is carefully structured and organized without the pseudo-spirituality of the pujas or the wanna-be pornstars of the parties at Bliss.)
The end of the book may be a foregone conclusion, but it - odd as it is to say this about somebody’s lived experience - feels earned; you understand why Neil behaved the way he has. You see how, despite having a sexual resume that would make Wilt Chamberlain and Gene Simmons envious, he’s still the same bundle of neuroses and insecurities that he always has been. Until he’s sorted his issues and fought his demons, he can’t let anyone else in, including himself.
You think you know what The Truth is about. It’s not about Neil Strauss seeking redemption or making amends for his old life. It’s about trying to figure out who he is and why he does what he does. There’re no excuses being made here, no attempts to deflect blame. It’s, well, the truth; naked and raw.
The Truth is an interesting book. It’s one that’s fairly easy to be cynical about. I mean, first Neil Strauss becomes famous* for writing a book that taught millions of dudes to try to use Svengali-esque techniques to get laid and now he’s writing about leaving it all behind and embracing monogamy? Like that’s not part of every self-help guru’s progression. After all everyone loves a reformed sinner, right? I mean, shit, the book itself enforces this view - its white faux-leather Bible stylings is the literal opposite of The Game.
* Strauss may have been infamous for The Game, but the man had written multiple NYT Bestselling biographies and non-fiction books well before The Game ever happened, as well as being a well-known reporter for Rolling Stone.
So needless to say: it’s incredibly easy to see this as being Strauss grabbing for a redemption narrative now that he’s become a poster-child for annoying douchebags at clubs and pushy OKCupid dates and the assholes clustering around public streets in major cities in order to pick up women walking by.
And the first couple chapters don’t necessarily help. The book opens with the fact that Neil has cheated on his long-term girlfriend with one of her best friends and - as many men have done upon getting caught - is heading to rehab for sex addiction. Again, this is something we’ve seen over and over again: get caught doing a bad thing, claim that bad thing is out of your control, make public showing of trying to beat bad thing through therapy at a resort-cum-retreat that’s less therapy and more of a long vacation.
So you’d be forgiven for seeing this as Neil doing a very public mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. But that’s not what’s going on.
What we’re reading is someone who’s doing some very explicit, very unpleasant and incredibly painful soul-searching, trying to come to terms with a lot of ugliness in his past. It’s almost shockingly vulnerable, Neil Strauss as open as we’re ever likely to see another person, trying to figure out just what it is that drives him to push away people he cares about.
Now to be fair: one of my longest-running pet-peeves is the trope of “the womanizer is only a womanizer because he has some trauma in his past and is healed to settle down to life-long vanilla monogamy,” and it’s incredibly easy to see The Truth in that light. But thats’ not quite right either.
There’s a saying: the path to wisdom is along the road to excess. And God knows Neil goes to excess here. After breaking up with his girlfriend and leaving sex addict rehab, Neil decides to pursue ethical non-monogamy and - as in The Game - dives in head first, visiting polyamory conferences, swingers parties, play parties and kink salons and - not surprisingly - having a lot of sex. Like, Caligula-levels of sex at times.
And here’s the thing: despite the fact that Neil is doing some Olympic sport-fucking, none of it is portrayed as all that appealing. In fact, despite living out scenarios that would be hard to swallow (sorry) in porn, most of it feels awkward and uncomfortable and leaves the reader feeling like they’d really rather just go. As with many an ill-advised hook-up, as soon as the one busts one’s nut (or realizes it’s not going to happen at all), it quits being fun and becomes something that you’d rather leave as quickly and unseen as possible.
As many people have before him, Neil is slowly being forced to realize that all the sex in the world isn’t going to make him happy. It’s a way of filling a hole in his life, a sort of addiction to numb the pain… and like every addict, it’s never going to be quite enough to do what he ultimately wants.
Now, perhaps it’s the English major in me looking for any excuse to justify my BA, but I can’t help but notice that The Truth echoes other works. Like Warren Ellis’ Crooked Little Vein, we’re getting a guided tour of the polyamory underbelly of the world. In fact in many ways, it becomes a Who’s Who of sex researchers, therapists and counselors; Dr. Helen Fisher, Esther Perel and Reid Meihalko all make appearances to one degree or another, while Tristain Taormino, Christopher Ryan, Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy all make cameos via their books.
But more than anything else, The Truth reminds me of - and is structured like - Dante’s Divine Comedy. Neil is the erstwhile Dante, crawling deeper and deeper into the pit of sexual decadence in search of his sacred Beatrice before reaching the Purgatory of therapy and ultimately the Paradise of a happy, fulfilled life. In fact, it’s as he’s literally climbing out of the pit that he finally realizes what he truly wants and what he needs to do.
This isn’t to say that the artful construction and structure of the book belies it’s claims to authenticity. There’s really not a moment where you feel that Neil is being untruthful or trying to polish up his image or excuse his past excesses. If anything, it feels painfully honest to a fault - even a little self-pitying at times; the phrase “I’m not the hero of this book, I’m the villain” echoes over and over through the narrative. This actually annoys me. While yes, I do have the benefit of being the detached outside observer, the fact is that there really aren’t any bad guys here. Yes, people get hurt, sometimes hurt badly… but it’s not out of malice or even self-absorbtion. What you see in The Truth are people who are well-meaning and well-intentioned but ultimately wrong for each other; square pegs convinced that they should be round and believing that if they try hard enough or find the right angle, they’ll finally fit into that round hole.
To be fair: most of the book focuses on Neil trying to convince himself that what he wants is different from how he used to be in his days as Style… despite the fact that what he ultimately wants is a harem, just as he did when he was part of Project Hollywood. Unlike his time as Style, he’s much more aware of just how much he’s hurting other people - as well as himself. This is never driven home more than by excerpts from his various partners’ diaries and journals. We get to hear, in their words, just how bad things are from their perspective and it’s heartbreaking.
Much like The Game, The Truth is a book that’s going to be misunderstood. People saw The Game as a how-to manual, rather than the story of a group of men who were fundamentally broken inside trying to use sexual success as a way of increasing their self worth. People will also see The Truth as a condemnation of non-monogamy and polyamory, which is a shame. See, the theme isn’t that monogamy is best and non-monongamists are fooling themselves, it’s that if you’re not emotionally healthy, no relationship is going to work.
Part of the overarching theme of the book is that Neil is continually sabotaging himself by throwing himself in head first, biting off more than anyone can chew. His very first foray into ethical non-monogamy involves trying to form a poly triad with everyone living under the same roof. His next involves trying to form his own commune. His third involves starting an open relationship with no rules whatsoever.
Small wonder he fails every time; it’s not what he wants deep down and so it falls apart. It would be almost comedic if it weren’t for the very human toll it takes on him and his partners.
(It’s significant, to me anyway, that the happiest and most successful polys and kinksters are at Reid Meihalko’s party, where everything is carefully structured and organized without the pseudo-spirituality of the pujas or the wanna-be pornstars of the parties at Bliss.)
The end of the book may be a foregone conclusion, but it - odd as it is to say this about somebody’s lived experience - feels earned; you understand why Neil behaved the way he has. You see how, despite having a sexual resume that would make Wilt Chamberlain and Gene Simmons envious, he’s still the same bundle of neuroses and insecurities that he always has been. Until he’s sorted his issues and fought his demons, he can’t let anyone else in, including himself.
You think you know what The Truth is about. It’s not about Neil Strauss seeking redemption or making amends for his old life. It’s about trying to figure out who he is and why he does what he does. There’re no excuses being made here, no attempts to deflect blame. It’s, well, the truth; naked and raw.
April 4, 2016
This collection of words on paper is absolute garbage - A book about monogamy written by a man-baby who does not understand love. The word is literally used twice in the first 135 pages (I counted.) This fool wrote a book about love and doesn’t even understand the concept. Sex, lust, self-affirmation, trust, companionship… all these tangential issues get tossed about and explored, though the author’s vocabulary is incomplete and inexperienced. Would one trust a blind-man’s opinion of a painting? Same idea here from this egotistic philanderer.
Readers should understand the backdrop of this work: The book is written by a millionaire rock-n-roll Malibu journalist who is having intimacy issues with his Mexican supermodel girlfriend who is decades younger than him. Hmmm… The only person wondering why any of this is an issue is the moron himself, who then proceeds to drag the reader through hundreds of pages of inane self-help and sex fantasies in his purported quest for “the truth.” This dork is so full of himself that he binds the book in white leather as a faux Bible.
The work is not interesting, provocative, intelligent or humorous. It’s definitely long, boring, unfocused and redundant. And given its misplaced knowledge-base, it arguably makes the more susceptible and ignorant readers all the dumber from its vapid revelations.
The book is not an objective overview and analysis of an intriguing subject, but is more akin to a memoir penned by a self-absorbed imbecile filming a vlog on their selfie-stick. I’ve ready many bad books in my time, but few are as infuriatingly stupid and anger-inducing as this one.
Readers should understand the backdrop of this work: The book is written by a millionaire rock-n-roll Malibu journalist who is having intimacy issues with his Mexican supermodel girlfriend who is decades younger than him. Hmmm… The only person wondering why any of this is an issue is the moron himself, who then proceeds to drag the reader through hundreds of pages of inane self-help and sex fantasies in his purported quest for “the truth.” This dork is so full of himself that he binds the book in white leather as a faux Bible.
The work is not interesting, provocative, intelligent or humorous. It’s definitely long, boring, unfocused and redundant. And given its misplaced knowledge-base, it arguably makes the more susceptible and ignorant readers all the dumber from its vapid revelations.
The book is not an objective overview and analysis of an intriguing subject, but is more akin to a memoir penned by a self-absorbed imbecile filming a vlog on their selfie-stick. I’ve ready many bad books in my time, but few are as infuriatingly stupid and anger-inducing as this one.
October 23, 2015
I suggest using protection while reading this book.
WOW! I don't even know where to START with this review. Needless to say I have never read anything more blunt and honest about such a controversial topic in my entire life. When the introduction to the book says, "They say a parent's love is unconditional. We'll see if that's true at the end of the book", you know it's going to be a whopper!
Neil Strauss, writer and author, tell the story of the last couple years of his life where he struggled with monogamy, wanting a bit more of an open relationship, to be able to experience other people at the same time as he loved the girlfriend he had.
Neil takes us in great depth, detail, and humor through his experiences in sex rehab, in open relationships, with sexual adventures and fantasies of kinds I didn't even know EXISTED! And he does it in a way that makes you laugh out loud the ENTIRE way through the book. This is easily one of the funniest books I have ever read. Neil is honest and blunt to a fault. I am not going to go into the specifics of what he talks about, but it has alot to do with threesomes, orgys, drugs, more orgys, open relationships, girls of a type I never knew existed, and again, more orgys. It is a brutally honest look at life, love, sex, and relationships.
Strauss says on the back cover of his book, "I'm not the hero in this story. I'm the villain". And about two-thirds of the way through the book, I was kind of agreeing with that statement. The first half of the book is simply a hilarious sexual romp through paths untaken, doing things that most of us haven't even had the guts to DREAM about, much less actually DO and then WRITE about it in full detail. And when I mean full detail, I mean FULL. DETAIL. Nothing is left to the imagination in his writing.
I found the book so addicting I couldn't put it down. The fact that it is shaped and presented in the form of a leather bound Bible, with silk page market and everything makes the book all the more irreverent and funny.
The amazing thing is, all of the introspection Neil does, actually teaches you alot about how we think about love, sex, and relationships. How our culture views those things, and if there may possibly be a better choice than an archaic system of monogamous marriage. I leave the reader to make their own conclusion on that one, but if you make it to the end of the book, you will find out what Neil discovered in all his adventures over the past two years.
The psychology in the book is also very good and Neil even gives out reference material for people who want to learn more about the topics that were covered in the book. It is a raw and undeniably funny account of someone who is comfortable enough with himself,(and his relationships) to give us full access to not only his life, but his thoughts and mind as well. It is a journey worth taking.
I highly recommend this book to anyone with an open mind, is not afraid of sex or profanity, or honesty for that matter, and wants to laugh their ass off for a good 400 pages and feel good about it the entire time.
Probably the best non-fiction book I have ever read!
WOW! I don't even know where to START with this review. Needless to say I have never read anything more blunt and honest about such a controversial topic in my entire life. When the introduction to the book says, "They say a parent's love is unconditional. We'll see if that's true at the end of the book", you know it's going to be a whopper!
Neil Strauss, writer and author, tell the story of the last couple years of his life where he struggled with monogamy, wanting a bit more of an open relationship, to be able to experience other people at the same time as he loved the girlfriend he had.
Neil takes us in great depth, detail, and humor through his experiences in sex rehab, in open relationships, with sexual adventures and fantasies of kinds I didn't even know EXISTED! And he does it in a way that makes you laugh out loud the ENTIRE way through the book. This is easily one of the funniest books I have ever read. Neil is honest and blunt to a fault. I am not going to go into the specifics of what he talks about, but it has alot to do with threesomes, orgys, drugs, more orgys, open relationships, girls of a type I never knew existed, and again, more orgys. It is a brutally honest look at life, love, sex, and relationships.
Strauss says on the back cover of his book, "I'm not the hero in this story. I'm the villain". And about two-thirds of the way through the book, I was kind of agreeing with that statement. The first half of the book is simply a hilarious sexual romp through paths untaken, doing things that most of us haven't even had the guts to DREAM about, much less actually DO and then WRITE about it in full detail. And when I mean full detail, I mean FULL. DETAIL. Nothing is left to the imagination in his writing.
I found the book so addicting I couldn't put it down. The fact that it is shaped and presented in the form of a leather bound Bible, with silk page market and everything makes the book all the more irreverent and funny.
The amazing thing is, all of the introspection Neil does, actually teaches you alot about how we think about love, sex, and relationships. How our culture views those things, and if there may possibly be a better choice than an archaic system of monogamous marriage. I leave the reader to make their own conclusion on that one, but if you make it to the end of the book, you will find out what Neil discovered in all his adventures over the past two years.
The psychology in the book is also very good and Neil even gives out reference material for people who want to learn more about the topics that were covered in the book. It is a raw and undeniably funny account of someone who is comfortable enough with himself,(and his relationships) to give us full access to not only his life, but his thoughts and mind as well. It is a journey worth taking.
I highly recommend this book to anyone with an open mind, is not afraid of sex or profanity, or honesty for that matter, and wants to laugh their ass off for a good 400 pages and feel good about it the entire time.
Probably the best non-fiction book I have ever read!
October 17, 2015
This book had a deep and profound impact on me. I finished the 11 hour audio in 2 1/2 days.
I laughed and cried.
I'd probably have to write for days to articulate everything that was so amazing about this book. Neil's transformation within the book, and his vulnerability throughout were completely enlightening for me.
Coming from being one of the pioneers of the pickup movement, he found that he had to do some deep introspection, in the form of therapy and other methods, to uncover why his childhood trauma was actually at the root of why he has not found happiness or satisfaction in his relationships or sexcapades.
Throughout the book and in many specific incidents, it becomes clear that not just Neil, but every woman he gets with, suffer from damage caused by childhood trauma. Many were beaten, abused, neglected, or abandoned, and are living life stuck in a child or adolescent state of mind, never escaping their past.
This book opened me up to the true meaning of vulnerability, and the fact that not many people ever truly become an adult. This book also gave me a true appreciation of what it takes to love- it is far more about becoming whole yourself than to partake in an exhaustive search to find the exact right person that meets every need in every way.
Maybe a small spoiler alert, but I appreciated that in the end, he doesn't preach monogamy or non-monogamy but instead says those are the wrong questions. I'm sure i will be revisiting this book as there were so many nuggets of wisdom among the sometimes entertaining, sometimes heartwarming stories.
Read or listen to this book if you want the truth about what is the real key to freedom and happiness in relationships, and life.
I laughed and cried.
I'd probably have to write for days to articulate everything that was so amazing about this book. Neil's transformation within the book, and his vulnerability throughout were completely enlightening for me.
Coming from being one of the pioneers of the pickup movement, he found that he had to do some deep introspection, in the form of therapy and other methods, to uncover why his childhood trauma was actually at the root of why he has not found happiness or satisfaction in his relationships or sexcapades.
Throughout the book and in many specific incidents, it becomes clear that not just Neil, but every woman he gets with, suffer from damage caused by childhood trauma. Many were beaten, abused, neglected, or abandoned, and are living life stuck in a child or adolescent state of mind, never escaping their past.
This book opened me up to the true meaning of vulnerability, and the fact that not many people ever truly become an adult. This book also gave me a true appreciation of what it takes to love- it is far more about becoming whole yourself than to partake in an exhaustive search to find the exact right person that meets every need in every way.
Maybe a small spoiler alert, but I appreciated that in the end, he doesn't preach monogamy or non-monogamy but instead says those are the wrong questions. I'm sure i will be revisiting this book as there were so many nuggets of wisdom among the sometimes entertaining, sometimes heartwarming stories.
Read or listen to this book if you want the truth about what is the real key to freedom and happiness in relationships, and life.
September 2, 2016
I have so many thoughts on this book.
So many, I’m actually not sure I'll have the patience and emotional stamina to go into all of them. But I’ll try because it is important.
This was a riveting read for me. So riveting at times that it was uncomfortable - in a very challenging, and therefore very good way. Some themes and passages really stressed me out, rattled me, made me very emotional.
I had to pace the audio-read to allow myself to digest, to reflect, to understand why this affected me so much.
I went into this expecting the unconvincing, ever so American tale of the redemption of the male sexual sinner, with moralistic undertones, a distinct lack of complicated emotional undercurrents, no shades of grey and even less psychological sophistication.
Well, overall, I was wrong, let me state that upfront.
It was, in essence, something I have been looking for forever - a painfully honest, quite visceral and very, very particular analysis of the question if, and why, and how an avoidant attachment style might have something to do with choosing alternative, open or polyamorous relationship models and sexual subcultures.
Way to go there! Because these are such loaded questions. And this has been a theme I have been struggling with all my life. And it is very hard to find honest, humble, intelligent and introspective books about this.
There are tons of books that overtly or covertly pathologize people engaging in unconventional relationship-styles and sexual behavior – and yes, I’ve spent many years educating myself to be able to oppose those, at least in my head, in a sophisticated and intellectually honest way. That was a necessary survival strategy, especially as a woman raised in a dogmatic religious household and then, as an adult, navigating these subcultures.
But this fight has been fought, and mostly won, for me personally - allowing for other issues to emerge. The older and more experienced I get, the more other, more complicated, more hidden, more intimate issues demand attention. I feel more and more dissociated from a certain poly-evangelistic, kink-evangelistic crowd that, again overtly and covertly, refuses to engage in critical and honest discussions of obviously abusive, disempowering developments and undercurrents – and more individually, about how our biographies and psychological dysfunctions might shape our relationships styles and hidden agenda both in empowering and harmful ways.
I feel the honest engagement with the disillusionment and pain in all of this is completely necessary – and completely unavoidable. And yet the resistance within the community seems to be immense.
Now, I have to say that Neil Strauss is not in any way a practitioner of polyamory.
But it is exactly his biased observations and distorted perception of these subcultures that are so valuable.
What he did, essentially, was a staging of his immature, narcissistic phantasies under the disguise of a seemingly egalitarian, conscious relationship construct. In fact, the most uncomfortable, most cringe-inducing segments of this book were part of his exploration of “alternative” relationship styles in the third part.
I’m not sure that he did grasp, fully, just how abusive, how coercive these relationships were on his part. I’ve seen that quite often in the polyamorous community: Men (and women) who just add another toxic layer to their emotionally abusive behavior by demanding from their partners to not only accept intolerable conduct but also, on top, to “process” it with them in excruciating talks and “take responsibility” for their (entirely appropriate) emotional responses.
I like to call that advanced gaslighting.
In my opinion the poly-, kink- and sex-positive-, but especially the new age/tantra-communities tend to function as a treasure-trove for men and women with these kinds of narcissistic dysfunctions and deeply rooted inferiority complexes.
He is called out in the end on the “one up, one down” dynamic he has a compulsion to establish and the fact that he manipulated and used his partners as “toys”, as his therapist puts it, in his own self-involved psychodrama - and that is yet another painful epiphany that he does not hide from the reader.
In the brilliant fourth part of the book “Anhedonia”, which actually offers the most depth and insight, he acknowledges that ….“at the puja and in the sex-positive community, I found countless women who were sexually liberated and open, and required only one thing – that they be empowered and in control of the context, because that’s how they felt safe enough to truly let go. And I was uncomfortable with that. […] I was never actually pursuing sexual freedom. I was pursuing control, power, and self-worth.”
He rips off layer after layer of self-deception, mercilessly, until finally we can look, together with him, at what is truly the driver behind his manic, obsessive philandering, the intensity and sex fixation and the covert misogyny – the massive narcissistic abuse in his primary parent-relationship and the resulting deep emotional injury.
And that sounds kind of cheap, and predictable, doesn’t it?
But it isn’t, because the way he recounts his painful, painful path to this insight is truly riveting.
Which leads me to the main point of this review: What exactly about this book is so mesmerizing – and so painful?
In my opinion it’s the immediate, authentic narration style.
There were many, many parts of this book where Neil is so unflinchingly honest, so raw, so brave in his self-exposure that I was completely immersed. Then other passages annoyed me because of their lack of depth. At other times I questioned Neil’s commitment to gritty honesty and unflinching self-reflection – I wasn’t sure, at times, if he was smoothing out some edges, lining up events to fit the overarching story arc, in effect sacrificing emotional honesty for an agenda.
But these parts were always followed, again, by painful self-revelation – and after a while, I’d say after approx. 50% of the book I began to trust the author. I began to understand that his circling between painful emotional honesty – intellectualized justification – maniacal rebellion – self-centered disillusionment – back to gritty painful honesty - was a truthful reflection of his inner journey, of exactly the never-ending, dysfunctional thought-process he went through, of his elaborate self-sabotage.
So throughout the whole book he did his very best to keep the description of his journey as immediate, as authentic as possible, by letting us be part of his delusions, the inevitable shattering of his delusions, the depression, the next clutch at straws – until, at the very end, this dynamic proved to not be sustainable anymore and everything started to dissolve.
Genuine, grueling, truthful, agonizing and in the end deeply cathartic.
That is, I’m very sorry to say, except one particular passage of the final phase of his healing arc. Overall, the last chapters were too neat, too rushed, too forced, too idealized. But there is one wrap-up passage in the end, one, for the lack of a better word, disney-fied recounting of his grueling path that almost undid the whole book for me.
Hm, really? These are the learnings? This is what all this has been about? Didn’t you just spend the whole book masterfully enlightening us with far deeper, far more elusive, far more profound insights?
It seems like he, in the end, just couldn’t resist the typical American self-help simplification – and, looking at the merchandize that followed this book, the equally typical proselytizing.
That leads me to an overall impression, that crept up in the beginning and was solidified over time:
This is a very American perspective. Not only is “The Game”, Neil’s most famous book, the embodiment of a certain pervasive male culture and perception of women that, sometimes, feels very alien to me, but also his whole journey through the sex addiction therapy, the sex positive sub-culture, his thoughts on the needs of men and (especially) women in relationships – everything is thoroughly colored by this very particular American brand of sexism and sexualized misogyny.
That is not to say that the themes and especially his deeper insights aren’t universal. So I don’t mean this derogatory in any way.
His analysis reaches deep enough to be meaningful for every man and woman who has ever been touched by the combination of dysfunctional parenting and Judeo-Christian patriarchal culture.
The deep shame he so brilliantly, powerfully captures, feels utterly poignant and human to me, but there is a special tinge to Neil’s personal coping mechanism with this shame that is deeply rooted in American culture.
This is a highly recommended read. It is bound to make you think, if any of these themes affect your life.
October 25, 2015
“They say that Love is blind, but its trauma thats blind. Love sees what is.” - Neil Strauss
Its been a very long time since I read a book from cover to cover in 24 hours or less. I had seen The Truth by Neil Strauss around and noticed a few people I knew were reading it. When a friend at work listened to a Lewis Howes podcast with Neil on the book and told me that I had to listen to it I took the hint and downloaded a copy. I could not put it down. It was painful to read at first, absolutely soul destroying in parts. His description of women and how he related to them was heartbreaking. I actually felt sick to my stomach and considered not finishing the book a few times but I just had to understand how his mind worked. It was only at the end that I got the reference to it being “an uncomfortable book on relationships”. I personally think “uncomfortable” was an understatement…”fucking excruciating” was more on the mark for me. As I waded through the horror of his experiments I knew why I could never bring myself to read his book The Game. I found myself in a state of despair that there were plenty of men out there that looked at and treated women like this…what hope was there. And of course plenty of women damaged enough to let them. None of his “adventures” held the slightest appeal to me, just disgust and sadness and the hollow, empty using of holes for cheap thrills, causing more damage to escape damage. Towards the end of Door 3: Alternatives I actually had to take a midnight shower, I felt dirty, cold and depressed. Then there was a glimmer of hope, “There is nothing frenzied about debauchery, contrary to what is thought,” Albert Camus once wrote. “It is but a long sleep.” And then he wrote in his own words, “It is time to wake up.” And I felt a rejoicing in my body and a please God let this be worth the shit I just dragged myself though…
All the while I’m reading this I’m conscious of the blinding parallels between this story of relationship and the story of my last relationship. Obviously my Beloved was not as extreme as Neil in many ways but he was a dedicated PUA and he did study The Game amongst other things and did live that lifestyle for years. I also saw painful parallels in the love avoidance and love addict dynamic between Neil and Ingrid and myself and my Beloved.
Door 4: Anhedonia was where I could breathe again. I cheered out loud when he made the first step in getting out of his fucking head and returning to his heart,
“The person who is too smart to love is truly an idiot.
With my last pillar of intellectual resistance demolished, I fly to Lorraine to be healed, to become worthy of Ingrid, to become worthy of myself, to find out who I am beyond the perpetually turning wheels of desire, manipulation, and intellectualization that have run my entire life.”
When he connected the dots of his childhood trauma with his relationships with women I breathed out a hundred yeses.
“All the things you’ve been trying to get from these relationships—freedom, understanding, fairness, acceptance—are exactly the things that you never got from your mom. So every time you load all that unfinished business onto your partner, you’re setting yourself up for another disappointment. Because as an adult, the only person who can give you those things is you.”
All his life he had been hiding from true intimacy within relationships, where better place to hide than that, whenever intimacy reached a certain level he would become scared it would consume him so he ran, thus creating a pattern of short term, shallow end relationships. True intimacy is when partners stop living in the past, in their trauma history, and start having a relationship with each other in the present moment. Love, is not something to be learned, its something we already have and we must unlearn in order to access it. Which reminds me of a Rumi quote that keeps coming up for me lately, “ your task is not to seek love (for Love is who you are- my words) but to remove the barriers you have built against it”.
When he finally reaches Freedom in Door 5 he quotes one of my favourite Pablo Neruda poem for Ingrid to begin the chapter marked with an eternity sign. I cannot help but burst into tears with great sobs. This dear god, this is what I want.
“l will die kissing your crazy cold mouth,
caressing the lost fruit buds of your body,
looking for the light
of your closed eyes.
And so when the earth receives our embrace
we will go blended in a single death, forever
living the eternity of a kiss”
~ Pablo Neruda Cien sonetos de amor
His heroes journey brings me to my knees, this is possible, if someone with his trauma history, impediments of extreme intelligence and stubbornness can come to this place then anyone can.
“While reading these beautiful words, I notice the complete absence of my old feelings: suffocation from her love, doubt that I have a good heart, fear of opening our lives to each other, and anxiety about her expectations of me. Instead, every word rings like truth. Neither haunted by the past nor worried about the future, I’m finally grateful for the present.”
I realised that every man I have ever loved has had this parental wounding as have I and we were not be able to be fully present to the other because of it. I have loved with wild abandon…only to be abandoned time and time again when Love opened the mother wound in my partner and made him resentful and closed to me. In the past I loved more, this time I let go and next time…well there wont be a next time with this pattern as I’m letting the whole trauma drama go.
”As I take her hand in mine, I realize that before trauma healing, I always wanted more—more women, more success, more money, more space, more experience, more possessions. Not once did I stop and say, as I do now, “I have enough.”
I realise that I have felt this “not enoughness” in every man I have been with. I even remember saying it aloud on many ocassions. “I feel like I’m not going to be enough for you babe, you’re always looking for something/ someone more” There was this restlessness, this undercurrent of disatisfaction, this keeping eyes open for something better to come along that I felt in them. In the past I thought it was me, that I wasn’t some kind of not enough for them…but in my last relationship and after developing this magnitude of self-love I knew with a complete certainty that I am enough, so very, beautifully, perfectly imperfectly enough and the problem does not come from me here at all. I continue to work through my traumas and always will. I do not deceive myself into thinking that I am conscious of everything and will ever get entirely clear or never be triggered but I require in my lifes partner a man that recognises this in himself too and desires to journey together. I am enough and he will be enough in himself and from that foundation we will stretch our wings and fly.
This is a brave book filled with ugliness and beauty in equal measure.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 9, 2016
It's a weird book. Strauss is a narcissistic lunatic, who runs all over the place trying to deal with himself. While this is extremely entertaining, it makes his conclusions feel like utter bull. Now he is all better. And I should believe this, why?
Some of his self deceptions border on utter madness. It never occurred to him that he wants to screw around, but that if he let's his gf screw around he is wracked with jealousy. When this happens to him - his jealousy - he is stunned. What? Why is this so hard? He must have been compartmentalising, he says, letting himself off the hook. Why on earth was his jealousy such a surprise?
To be fair, Strauss is so open & sharing with most of his life (and that of his parents) that it's almost disturbing. His own stupidities, his self deceptions, his bad behaviours - he revels in sharing all of this filth. And his sexual exploits.
Which makes the predictable upbeat ending somewhat disgusting. Now he is an enlightened being who wishes to share his wisdom. There's something about that which is vile, as he treats himself that way from page 1 (he has all the answers) and then unironically still sees himself that way at the end (no, wait, now he has all the answers).
This is all very harsh on my part. The Truth is an extremely readable book. At the same time, it feels like a huge con job. On the reader, on the author. On everyone.
Simultaneously Strauss gives good advice. Fix yourself then pursue relationships. Examine your early traumas and the programming you got from your parents. And yet... And yet...
I don't know. This review of mine borders on gibberish. I was going to give the book 3 stars but I'm now bumping it to 4. Strauss gets super cornball and spiritual by the end, but he gave me a fun, if very shallow ride.
Some of his self deceptions border on utter madness. It never occurred to him that he wants to screw around, but that if he let's his gf screw around he is wracked with jealousy. When this happens to him - his jealousy - he is stunned. What? Why is this so hard? He must have been compartmentalising, he says, letting himself off the hook. Why on earth was his jealousy such a surprise?
To be fair, Strauss is so open & sharing with most of his life (and that of his parents) that it's almost disturbing. His own stupidities, his self deceptions, his bad behaviours - he revels in sharing all of this filth. And his sexual exploits.
Which makes the predictable upbeat ending somewhat disgusting. Now he is an enlightened being who wishes to share his wisdom. There's something about that which is vile, as he treats himself that way from page 1 (he has all the answers) and then unironically still sees himself that way at the end (no, wait, now he has all the answers).
This is all very harsh on my part. The Truth is an extremely readable book. At the same time, it feels like a huge con job. On the reader, on the author. On everyone.
Simultaneously Strauss gives good advice. Fix yourself then pursue relationships. Examine your early traumas and the programming you got from your parents. And yet... And yet...
I don't know. This review of mine borders on gibberish. I was going to give the book 3 stars but I'm now bumping it to 4. Strauss gets super cornball and spiritual by the end, but he gave me a fun, if very shallow ride.
June 28, 2016
Eugh.
Some interesting perspectives on relationships, intimacy and sex that were mostly better dealt with in Modern Romance.
It's so depressing to consider how many men there are doing shallow thing after shallow thing and derping all over the place, putting their needs not only before but at the expense of others, trying to figure out why they don't feel spiritually sated. I used to enjoy the empty look in their eyes when these men looked over my shoulder at parties to let me know I had to continually vie for their attention if I had any hope of their continued company beyond a few minutes, which turned any hope of interesting conversation into a stressfully sustained elevator pitch on my part while my inner voice berated me for how pathetic I was for caring about these guyses opinions (this is all long behind me now, as you can tell) but when I meet these same people years later and they're doing the same thing? Hope they can feel my heart aching for them from behind a number of locked doors.
I mean, this was valuable reading material for me in that I meet guys like this so often that I constantly need new ways to purge all their flailing insecure nonsense by trying to understand them better.
Strauss at one point says all the relationship permutations he tries out (to put it lightly- graphic descriptions galore) are turning his life into a "bad reality TV show." If that sucks, imagine what it's like being asked to read it! The early sections contain some interesting info about how we re-enact childhood relationships, and the rest is a bad novel of his own life replete with man-be-bad-writer errors like a whole chapter consisting of the sentence "Told you I was the villain in this story." Don't you hate it when a writer thinks they've got you right where they want you like that? EUGH. For someone who says he re-reads James Joyce's Ulysses every few years, why is his own writing filled with Palanifuck-on-a-bad-day faux paux?? Maybe because he namedrops like three whole celebrities he knows (I don't know who Rick Rubin is, and I don't care enough to Google his name, but I bet he's reaaallllyyyy more importanter than, say, me, for example) but only one book? I feel he carts Ulysses around like a conversation piece: it's just a cowboy hat, magic trick or glowing necklace of his (lol hi5 Strauss #LetTheBitchesFlock)
I knew not to trust the happy ending of The Game b/c this one had come out. This one came out last year but I know not to trust its happy ending either. Rather, I don't want to trust it because after he asks his now-wife not to read this book (saying in the introduction that it isn't even one of his best- just in case the reader thought he had any interest in them and hence incentive to parse pointless private info from his text- nope!), then telling her at the end he hoped she'd ignored his warning and read this account of all the sex he was having with strangers, all the drugs he was taking, and all his attempts to form a harem of ladies- while all the time missing her of course? Jesus...
He's tried therapy, he's tried learning- to sum it up, it didn't take.
Love, if you accept these shenanigans, I think it's your turn now.
Some interesting perspectives on relationships, intimacy and sex that were mostly better dealt with in Modern Romance.
It's so depressing to consider how many men there are doing shallow thing after shallow thing and derping all over the place, putting their needs not only before but at the expense of others, trying to figure out why they don't feel spiritually sated. I used to enjoy the empty look in their eyes when these men looked over my shoulder at parties to let me know I had to continually vie for their attention if I had any hope of their continued company beyond a few minutes, which turned any hope of interesting conversation into a stressfully sustained elevator pitch on my part while my inner voice berated me for how pathetic I was for caring about these guyses opinions (this is all long behind me now, as you can tell) but when I meet these same people years later and they're doing the same thing? Hope they can feel my heart aching for them from behind a number of locked doors.
I mean, this was valuable reading material for me in that I meet guys like this so often that I constantly need new ways to purge all their flailing insecure nonsense by trying to understand them better.
Strauss at one point says all the relationship permutations he tries out (to put it lightly- graphic descriptions galore) are turning his life into a "bad reality TV show." If that sucks, imagine what it's like being asked to read it! The early sections contain some interesting info about how we re-enact childhood relationships, and the rest is a bad novel of his own life replete with man-be-bad-writer errors like a whole chapter consisting of the sentence "Told you I was the villain in this story." Don't you hate it when a writer thinks they've got you right where they want you like that? EUGH. For someone who says he re-reads James Joyce's Ulysses every few years, why is his own writing filled with Palanifuck-on-a-bad-day faux paux?? Maybe because he namedrops like three whole celebrities he knows (I don't know who Rick Rubin is, and I don't care enough to Google his name, but I bet he's reaaallllyyyy more importanter than, say, me, for example) but only one book? I feel he carts Ulysses around like a conversation piece: it's just a cowboy hat, magic trick or glowing necklace of his (lol hi5 Strauss #LetTheBitchesFlock)
I knew not to trust the happy ending of The Game b/c this one had come out. This one came out last year but I know not to trust its happy ending either. Rather, I don't want to trust it because after he asks his now-wife not to read this book (saying in the introduction that it isn't even one of his best- just in case the reader thought he had any interest in them and hence incentive to parse pointless private info from his text- nope!), then telling her at the end he hoped she'd ignored his warning and read this account of all the sex he was having with strangers, all the drugs he was taking, and all his attempts to form a harem of ladies- while all the time missing her of course? Jesus...
He's tried therapy, he's tried learning- to sum it up, it didn't take.
Love, if you accept these shenanigans, I think it's your turn now.
April 18, 2022
Firstly, one must give writer Neil Strauss credit for writing such a revealing tell-all about his life and issues. However, this memoir just doesn't work at conveying whatever it is he so desperately wants to convey.
I get that it's cathartic to let it out all out, but this is simply too much. As many know, Strauss was once famous for being a 'pickup artist' (which yes was quite problematic) and much of this book is about the fallout of that. The first third in fact is about going to sex addiction rehab, and it is such an endless spiral of overanalyzing. Look, sex is definitely among the most interesting topics ever, but come on. Just going on and on with so many labels, maybe people really make too big a deal of it. The main thing I learned is that sex rehab is stupid and awful.
Then on the other side of the spectrum, a very very candid account of the swinger and polyamory scene. There is a bit to learn about human nature, even some valid research, and then it's more of that endless spiral of overanalyzing. One thing that's particularly insufferable is how Strauss wants the reader to feel sorry for him, y'know because all the poor drama that comes from his life of group sex porn fantasies.
If one is on the periphery of this brave new world of nonmonogamy, these accounts can add to the knowledge base so an informed reader - men or women - could make decisions about what relationship rules might work personally. Worth reading for that reason.
But the main lesson seems to be that humans are never happy and no culturally-subjective sexual mores ever make people happy. Every instinct is contradictory and hypocritical and we will never ever figure it out in the end. So fine, that is what it is.
Anyway, a fitting end for my somewhat fascination of this genre since my lonely 20s. I am confident to say that I will never read anything 'PUA'-adjacent ever again and my curiosity is piqued. Goodbye forever, Style...
I get that it's cathartic to let it out all out, but this is simply too much. As many know, Strauss was once famous for being a 'pickup artist' (which yes was quite problematic) and much of this book is about the fallout of that. The first third in fact is about going to sex addiction rehab, and it is such an endless spiral of overanalyzing. Look, sex is definitely among the most interesting topics ever, but come on. Just going on and on with so many labels, maybe people really make too big a deal of it. The main thing I learned is that sex rehab is stupid and awful.
Then on the other side of the spectrum, a very very candid account of the swinger and polyamory scene. There is a bit to learn about human nature, even some valid research, and then it's more of that endless spiral of overanalyzing. One thing that's particularly insufferable is how Strauss wants the reader to feel sorry for him, y'know because all the poor drama that comes from his life of group sex porn fantasies.
If one is on the periphery of this brave new world of nonmonogamy, these accounts can add to the knowledge base so an informed reader - men or women - could make decisions about what relationship rules might work personally. Worth reading for that reason.
But the main lesson seems to be that humans are never happy and no culturally-subjective sexual mores ever make people happy. Every instinct is contradictory and hypocritical and we will never ever figure it out in the end. So fine, that is what it is.
Anyway, a fitting end for my somewhat fascination of this genre since my lonely 20s. I am confident to say that I will never read anything 'PUA'-adjacent ever again and my curiosity is piqued. Goodbye forever, Style...
March 22, 2017
For a long time this author indulged himself in a debauched sexualized lifestyle, after hitting his middle age he realized his loss of youth equalled a diminished status and so he sorted himself out and settled down with a much younger woman.
His father was an extremely sick man and his mother was selfish and inadequate with no comprehension of appropriate mother child boundaries. Children absorb the consciousness of the adults in their environment.When a parent is emotionally tied up with an unhealthy preoccupation a child will sense this,their experience will be one of living in an emotional vacuum and they end up internalizing their parents disease. A son sees his father as a representation of himself - if their father is sick the son will pick up on it and come to regard himself as sick.This type of family set up is a disaster for a developing child.When they grow up and become parents themselves the emotional trauma they experienced as a child gets constantly re-awakened and it affects their parenting ability.
He says "All that matters is the way you were raised - If you don't look at that, you're almost living an unconscious life."
Strauss reckons his life changed in a way he could never have imagined. after he told a therapist about the story of his childhood and she replied no wonder you can’t be in a relationship because you’re in a relationship with your mother. [Quote] "When she said that a whole wind blew over me. It was like a movie. All of a sudden your whole past story just snaps into line and I saw who I was. Before that I really thought I was healthy, I had parents who loved me, they were never divorced, I had a good childhood, and all of a sudden she saw the story I didn’t. And that was the moment everything changed" [Unquote]
This insight made him understand how the power of early life experience set a template upon which later experiences and behaviour is built. So far so good, but then his narrative gets too neat and tidy when he implies he is now in happily ever after mode. I accept that this is his interpretative reality and he is trying to instill hope but I don't feel he is being completely honest with his readers because recovery and restoration from the kind of attachment trauma and childhood wounding he describes is very difficult to overcome, as is learning new relationship behaviour.
“The wounds that humans get are so strong that they’re like robots operating on childhood programming. And even if they learn the truth about themselves in therapy and rehab, they still cling to their false beliefs and make choices that don’t serve them over and over again.”
This is because developmental trauma means the brain and nervous system of the person raised in an environment of emotional deprivation can find it extremely difficult (impossible) to acquire new capacities once the critical (childhood) developmental stage has passed - through no fault of their own they lack cognitive flexibility.
Strauss advocates re-parenting. 'Instead of trying to get from your partner the things you never got as a child—give them to yourself. Afterward, you can start to give these things to your partner as well. Pretty soon, your entire relationship will change and grow up along with you.' This sort of quick fix advice denies the reality. A man who has not learnt to relate appropriately to others will not suddenly have the ability magically installed just by acknowledging his early years damage.
The author has stated “I’m afraid of intimacy, because if I’m vulnerable with someone, I’ll lose myself and not be safe,people engage in a lot of self-destructive and damaging behaviors just to avoid that simple thing. Myself included"
He feels threatened because a person with his type of family of origin issues has usually suffered developmentally based psychological trauma resulting in a failure of connective feedback between the brains pre-frontal context and amygdala meaning they don't have a proper sense of self and are operating a false self phony persona. If a person has a pattern of interaction that has persisted throughout their childhood and most of their adulthood then it has been well & truly internalized as part of their psyche,therefore it is pretty much impossible for them to change this using a superficial self help strategy because they have very long standing & ingrained patterns.
I got the distinct impression that at times he is still saying things for effect and trying to impress.The book was like a big virtue signalling exercise about how deep and authentic he has now become.I think he is still trying to adjust and fine tune his act and so it's not really about his (trophy) wife and child: it's still all about him, how he looks and sounds - his intent is getting appreciation/admiration fuel. He is serving his ego,trying to impress his readers because he is still quite shallow and very fixated on image.
January 10, 2019
Я очікувала “гірку правду” про стосунки взагалі, а виявилось, що це “гірка правда” про дуже конкретні стосунки Ніла Штрауса. Це дуже інтимна і відверта книжка, прямо дуже. Відвертість - це класно, якщо ти на терапії, але щодо тексту я не певна. Перші сто сторінок автор наскільки заглиблює нас в свою голову, емоції, минуле-теперішнє, вагання-переживання, що він цього клаустрофобічно неприємно. Згодом, сюжет розвивається, стає все ж цікаво.
Якось з подругою ми обговорювали, що слово “правда” люди часто вживають на позначення своєї суб’єктивної думки. Наприклад, коли кажуть якісь невмотивовані неприємні речі іншим, це називається: “Я кажу правду!”, замість “Я невихований телепень”. У назві цієї книги слово “правда” вжито саме в такому суб’єктивному значенні. Це не книга фактів, це не енциклопедія варіантів стосунків і сексуального життя. Це конкретний досвід конкретної людини.
Це розповідь про те, як Ніл Штраус покидає моногамні стосунки, пробує різні альтернативи, займається психотерапією, налагоджує стосунки з собою, і знаходить форму стосунків яка його влаштовує. Це книжка з психотерапевтичним хепіендом, головний месидж якої: всі проблеми у нас в голові. Не сперечаюсь, але оргії, поліамурія і секс-комуни тут виглядають як красива декорація, а не об’єкт дослідження. Екскурсія цим сексуальним “пеклом” досить цікава і дотепна, але у мене залишилися враження, що це просто досвід конкретного Вергілія, якому багато чого не зайшло. Хоча, напевно, в такій сфері як стосунки вичерпного огляду і не може бути. І вся література, врешті-решт, це просто досвід чи фантазії конкретних людей. Від цієї розповіді у мене залишилось враження: “І навіщо мені це все знати?” Як від несподівано надто відвертої розповіді про життя випадкового попутника в плацкарті. Дуже багато деталей, які не мають ні художньої, ні практичної, ні інформаційної цінності. Також певний сумнів викликають цитати з щоденників його дівчат. Мені здається, він їх сам написав. Навіщо?
Також упродовж читання мене не покидало враження, що це якісь проблеми білого світу. Звісно, я утрую, проблеми в стосунках є в усьому світі, більше того, вони дуже схожі не залежно від географії. Однак всі ці місяці в дорогих клініках, або час коли автор тижнями повний робочий день працює над створенням поліамурної сім’ї, (принаймні я не зрозуміла, коли б він мав заробляти гроші), ключі від приватного пляжу, знімання величезних будинків за щонайменшої потреби. Багаті тоже плачуть. Мабуть я заздрю :)
Попри всі мої прискіпування, я не можу сказати, що книжка погана. Величезний плюс, що все це, крім перших ста сторінок для мене, написано легко і з хорошим гумором. Не дарма все ж таки ві�� розбагатів написанням тексту аж до приватного пляжу! У тексті піднімається, чи скоріше припіднімається, багато цікавих і важливих тем про стосунки. Про те, які недоліки часто мають моногамні стосунки, про поліамурні стосунки, я ніколи не була впевнена, що вони можуть функціонувати в тривалому часі, і розповіді Ніла це ілюструють, про різні варіанти групових секс-зібрань, відкритих стосунків і т.д. Також цікавою є тема втілення фантазії у життя, часто це, що виглядає рожевим в уяві, в реальному житті стає нестерпно неприємним. Цікавим був досвід автора в психотерапії, тут він отримав не менше різноманітного досвіду ніж в сексуальному житті - від консервативного терапевта-тирана до якихось мало не шаманських сеансів НЛП, але серед цього всього були і дуже конструктивні люди.
Український переклад достойний, коректори трохи недопрацювали, приємний папір, а ілюстрації Олени Мишанської, через які я власне і купила цю книгу, - взагалі бомба!
Якось з подругою ми обговорювали, що слово “правда” люди часто вживають на позначення своєї суб’єктивної думки. Наприклад, коли кажуть якісь невмотивовані неприємні речі іншим, це називається: “Я кажу правду!”, замість “Я невихований телепень”. У назві цієї книги слово “правда” вжито саме в такому суб’єктивному значенні. Це не книга фактів, це не енциклопедія варіантів стосунків і сексуального життя. Це конкретний досвід конкретної людини.
Це розповідь про те, як Ніл Штраус покидає моногамні стосунки, пробує різні альтернативи, займається психотерапією, налагоджує стосунки з собою, і знаходить форму стосунків яка його влаштовує. Це книжка з психотерапевтичним хепіендом, головний месидж якої: всі проблеми у нас в голові. Не сперечаюсь, але оргії, поліамурія і секс-комуни тут виглядають як красива декорація, а не об’єкт дослідження. Екскурсія цим сексуальним “пеклом” досить цікава і дотепна, але у мене залишилися враження, що це просто досвід конкретного Вергілія, якому багато чого не зайшло. Хоча, напевно, в такій сфері як стосунки вичерпного огляду і не може бути. І вся література, врешті-решт, це просто досвід чи фантазії конкретних людей. Від цієї розповіді у мене залишилось враження: “І навіщо мені це все знати?” Як від несподівано надто відвертої розповіді про життя випадкового попутника в плацкарті. Дуже багато деталей, які не мають ні художньої, ні практичної, ні інформаційної цінності. Також певний сумнів викликають цитати з щоденників його дівчат. Мені здається, він їх сам написав. Навіщо?
Також упродовж читання мене не покидало враження, що це якісь проблеми білого світу. Звісно, я утрую, проблеми в стосунках є в усьому світі, більше того, вони дуже схожі не залежно від географії. Однак всі ці місяці в дорогих клініках, або час коли автор тижнями повний робочий день працює над створенням поліамурної сім’ї, (принаймні я не зрозуміла, коли б він мав заробляти гроші), ключі від приватного пляжу, знімання величезних будинків за щонайменшої потреби. Багаті тоже плачуть. Мабуть я заздрю :)
Попри всі мої прискіпування, я не можу сказати, що книжка погана. Величезний плюс, що все це, крім перших ста сторінок для мене, написано легко і з хорошим гумором. Не дарма все ж таки ві�� розбагатів написанням тексту аж до приватного пляжу! У тексті піднімається, чи скоріше припіднімається, багато цікавих і важливих тем про стосунки. Про те, які недоліки часто мають моногамні стосунки, про поліамурні стосунки, я ніколи не була впевнена, що вони можуть функціонувати в тривалому часі, і розповіді Ніла це ілюструють, про різні варіанти групових секс-зібрань, відкритих стосунків і т.д. Також цікавою є тема втілення фантазії у життя, часто це, що виглядає рожевим в уяві, в реальному житті стає нестерпно неприємним. Цікавим був досвід автора в психотерапії, тут він отримав не менше різноманітного досвіду ніж в сексуальному житті - від консервативного терапевта-тирана до якихось мало не шаманських сеансів НЛП, але серед цього всього були і дуже конструктивні люди.
Український переклад достойний, коректори трохи недопрацювали, приємний папір, а ілюстрації Олени Мишанської, через які я власне і купила цю книгу, - взагалі бомба!
October 9, 2017
This book has a lot of things. It has honesty (in spades). It has sex (lots of it, with graphic descriptions). It has hurt aplenty. I'm aware that the author might have airbrushed the story to make it more coherent, but the downward spiral and subsequent long road to recovery made for a riveting read. A textbook on love avoidants and love addicts and all the assorted dysfunction that comes along for the ride.
____
Evidently, men have sex addictions, women have eating disorders. I suppose both share the same obsession: womens' bodies.
She (therapist Lorraine) tells me that 90% of sex addicts seeking treatment are men, because men tend to act out, while 90% of people with eating disorders are women, because women tend to act in.
Lying is about controlling someone else’s reality, hoping that what they don’t know won’t hurt you.
What it means to tell the truth: It is to give someone else her freedom, to allow her to have a reaction even if it leads to negative consequences for you, to give her the voice that lying takes away.
Intimacy is sharing your reality with someone else and knowing you’re safe, and them being able to share their reality with you and also be safe.
To survive painful beliefs and feelings, we often mask them with anger. That way, we don't have to feel the shame behind it. The payoff of anger is mastery, control, or power. So the anger makes you feel better and one up.
Self-depreciation is still self-worship. It is still about self.
Remember that humour is a wall. It is a form of denial, just like minimisation, repression, globalisation, and rationalisation.
Intimacy problems comes from a lack of self-love, someone who fears intimacy thinking, unconsciously, that if you knew who I actually was, you'd leave me.
The avoidant is good at seducing, in the sense that he has an uncanny ability to find out what his partner needs and give it to her. Because he was usually enmeshed, he gets his worth and value from taking care of needy people.
I've never worked with a couple where one of them had it all together and the other was a screw-up. They've got as many issues as you do. Proof of this is that they're still with you.
When an avoidant and an addict begin a relationship, a predictable pattern occurs. The avoidant gives and gives, sacrificing his own needs, but it's never enough for the love addict. So the avoidant grows resentful and seeks an outlet outside of the relationship, but at the same time feels too guilty to stop taking care of the needy person.
I used to think that intelligence came from books and knowledge and rational thought. But that's not intelligence, that's just information and interpretation. Real intelligence is when your mind and heart connect. That's when you see the truth so clearly and unmistakably that you don't have to think about it. In fact, all thinking will do is lead you away from the truth.
Centuries ago, women who were overtly sexual were likely to be burned as witched at the stake, as they were thought to be in league with the devil. Five centuries later, we've come a long way. Instead of calling them witches and burning them, we call them sluts and burn their reputations.
We have so many contradictory, repressive, self-limiting beliefs about sexuality - and almost every one of them stems from a pathological need to dictate to someone else what they are and aren't allowed to do with their body and heart.
Loneliness is holding in a joke because you've no one to share it with.
So far, it seems like their open relationship has as much drama as a closed relationship. And the drama is about the same thing, trust. Perhaps the reason friendships tend to last longer than relationships is that they don't come with rigid rules and exclusivity clauses.
Perhaps the problem with most relationships is that the rules start to become more important than the values they're supposed to be representing.
I realise that there's more to swinging than first meets the eye. For some guys, it's about showing off the woman they love: Look what I got. And she loves me, so I must have value. And if you treat me with enough respect and admiration, I will share her with you - but not too much, because I don't want to lose control of her. That would cause me to feel pain and question my fragile sense of self-worth.
I've known people - mostly love addicts - who would be less hurt if their spouses died than if they cheated. They'd even prefer the former, because at least they couldn't take it personally.
One of the unfortunate axioms of human behaviour is that what others shame people for the most is usually what they're doing in secret themselves. After all, an accusation is much more powerful than a denial: it's a way to seem one up when you're really feeling one down.
In life, whoever has the strongest reality wins. Lose your moral certainty and lose the ground you stand on.
I realise the goal isn't sexual anarchy. It's that I want the rules around my sexuality to be self-imposed, not externally imposed. That's the key difference, perhaps in everything.
I used to think that a good relationship meant always getting along. But the secret, I realize, is that when one person shuts down or throws a fit, the other needs to stay in the adult ego state. If both people descend to the wounded child or adapted adolescent, that’s when all the forces of relationship drama and destruction are unleashed.
The only relationship that’s truly a failure is one that lasts longer than it should.
The person in a relationship with the least amount of comfort does get to set the boundaries - even if she keeps changing the rules.
You can’t force a relationship to happen. You just have to make a space in your heart for one, then let go of all expectations, agendas, and control.
Relationships don’t require sacrifices. They just require growing up - and the ability to stop clinging to immature needs that are so tenacious, they keep the mature needs from getting met.
Any style of relationship is the right one, as long as it’s a decision made by the whole person and not the hole in the person.
In the dance of infatuation, we see each other not as they are, but as projections of who we want them to be. And we impose on them all the imaginary criteria we think will fill the void in our hearts. But in the end, this strategy only leads to suffering. It is not a relationship when the other person is left out of it.
The problem many people have is that the exact quality that attracted them to their partner becomes a threat once a serious relationship begins. After all, this quality was the open door through which the romance started, so now they want to close that door, lock it, and throw away the key before someone else tries to come in after them.
If married men have mid-life crises, men who haven't ever truly been able to commit have no-life crises. And if they're able to see clearly for even just a moment, they start to realise that they're losing more than they're gaining each day they remain stalled on the scenic road of growing up.
What's the fun of hiking Machu Picchu, of walking a trial carved centuries ago, if I can't share it with someone I love? That is the price of freedom.
That is love, when two (or more) hearts build a safe emotional, mental, and spiritual home that will stand strong no matter how much anyone changes on the inside or the outside. It demands one thing and expects only one thing: that each person be his or her own true self. Everything else we attach to love is just a personal strategy, be it effective or ineffective, for trying to manage our anxiety about coming so close to something so powerful and uncontrollable.
As my grandmother used to say: You can't change a person unless they're in diapers.
____
Evidently, men have sex addictions, women have eating disorders. I suppose both share the same obsession: womens' bodies.
She (therapist Lorraine) tells me that 90% of sex addicts seeking treatment are men, because men tend to act out, while 90% of people with eating disorders are women, because women tend to act in.
Lying is about controlling someone else’s reality, hoping that what they don’t know won’t hurt you.
What it means to tell the truth: It is to give someone else her freedom, to allow her to have a reaction even if it leads to negative consequences for you, to give her the voice that lying takes away.
Intimacy is sharing your reality with someone else and knowing you’re safe, and them being able to share their reality with you and also be safe.
To survive painful beliefs and feelings, we often mask them with anger. That way, we don't have to feel the shame behind it. The payoff of anger is mastery, control, or power. So the anger makes you feel better and one up.
Self-depreciation is still self-worship. It is still about self.
Remember that humour is a wall. It is a form of denial, just like minimisation, repression, globalisation, and rationalisation.
Intimacy problems comes from a lack of self-love, someone who fears intimacy thinking, unconsciously, that if you knew who I actually was, you'd leave me.
The avoidant is good at seducing, in the sense that he has an uncanny ability to find out what his partner needs and give it to her. Because he was usually enmeshed, he gets his worth and value from taking care of needy people.
I've never worked with a couple where one of them had it all together and the other was a screw-up. They've got as many issues as you do. Proof of this is that they're still with you.
When an avoidant and an addict begin a relationship, a predictable pattern occurs. The avoidant gives and gives, sacrificing his own needs, but it's never enough for the love addict. So the avoidant grows resentful and seeks an outlet outside of the relationship, but at the same time feels too guilty to stop taking care of the needy person.
I used to think that intelligence came from books and knowledge and rational thought. But that's not intelligence, that's just information and interpretation. Real intelligence is when your mind and heart connect. That's when you see the truth so clearly and unmistakably that you don't have to think about it. In fact, all thinking will do is lead you away from the truth.
Centuries ago, women who were overtly sexual were likely to be burned as witched at the stake, as they were thought to be in league with the devil. Five centuries later, we've come a long way. Instead of calling them witches and burning them, we call them sluts and burn their reputations.
We have so many contradictory, repressive, self-limiting beliefs about sexuality - and almost every one of them stems from a pathological need to dictate to someone else what they are and aren't allowed to do with their body and heart.
Loneliness is holding in a joke because you've no one to share it with.
So far, it seems like their open relationship has as much drama as a closed relationship. And the drama is about the same thing, trust. Perhaps the reason friendships tend to last longer than relationships is that they don't come with rigid rules and exclusivity clauses.
Perhaps the problem with most relationships is that the rules start to become more important than the values they're supposed to be representing.
I realise that there's more to swinging than first meets the eye. For some guys, it's about showing off the woman they love: Look what I got. And she loves me, so I must have value. And if you treat me with enough respect and admiration, I will share her with you - but not too much, because I don't want to lose control of her. That would cause me to feel pain and question my fragile sense of self-worth.
I've known people - mostly love addicts - who would be less hurt if their spouses died than if they cheated. They'd even prefer the former, because at least they couldn't take it personally.
One of the unfortunate axioms of human behaviour is that what others shame people for the most is usually what they're doing in secret themselves. After all, an accusation is much more powerful than a denial: it's a way to seem one up when you're really feeling one down.
In life, whoever has the strongest reality wins. Lose your moral certainty and lose the ground you stand on.
I realise the goal isn't sexual anarchy. It's that I want the rules around my sexuality to be self-imposed, not externally imposed. That's the key difference, perhaps in everything.
I used to think that a good relationship meant always getting along. But the secret, I realize, is that when one person shuts down or throws a fit, the other needs to stay in the adult ego state. If both people descend to the wounded child or adapted adolescent, that’s when all the forces of relationship drama and destruction are unleashed.
The only relationship that’s truly a failure is one that lasts longer than it should.
The person in a relationship with the least amount of comfort does get to set the boundaries - even if she keeps changing the rules.
You can’t force a relationship to happen. You just have to make a space in your heart for one, then let go of all expectations, agendas, and control.
Relationships don’t require sacrifices. They just require growing up - and the ability to stop clinging to immature needs that are so tenacious, they keep the mature needs from getting met.
Any style of relationship is the right one, as long as it’s a decision made by the whole person and not the hole in the person.
In the dance of infatuation, we see each other not as they are, but as projections of who we want them to be. And we impose on them all the imaginary criteria we think will fill the void in our hearts. But in the end, this strategy only leads to suffering. It is not a relationship when the other person is left out of it.
The problem many people have is that the exact quality that attracted them to their partner becomes a threat once a serious relationship begins. After all, this quality was the open door through which the romance started, so now they want to close that door, lock it, and throw away the key before someone else tries to come in after them.
If married men have mid-life crises, men who haven't ever truly been able to commit have no-life crises. And if they're able to see clearly for even just a moment, they start to realise that they're losing more than they're gaining each day they remain stalled on the scenic road of growing up.
What's the fun of hiking Machu Picchu, of walking a trial carved centuries ago, if I can't share it with someone I love? That is the price of freedom.
That is love, when two (or more) hearts build a safe emotional, mental, and spiritual home that will stand strong no matter how much anyone changes on the inside or the outside. It demands one thing and expects only one thing: that each person be his or her own true self. Everything else we attach to love is just a personal strategy, be it effective or ineffective, for trying to manage our anxiety about coming so close to something so powerful and uncontrollable.
As my grandmother used to say: You can't change a person unless they're in diapers.
March 24, 2024
When I was in college, I read The Game by Neil Strauss. I soon ended up in a relationship that to this day I regret being in. It's not always a good idea to immediately pick the first available option. No amount of sex can equate to trusting someone. Having more sex with the same person doesn't make you morally correct. It just means you're getting proficient at having sex with the same person.
I enjoyed reading this book the first time, but upon another read it can be summarized pretty easily into 3 simple steps.
1. Change your phone number
2. Change your email address
3. It's OK to for a man to say, "no" to their mother
The average ranking of this book is 4.20.
Also- Brie Larson wears Crocs.
This is a fact.
P.S. Don't forget to water your plants.
I enjoyed reading this book the first time, but upon another read it can be summarized pretty easily into 3 simple steps.
1. Change your phone number
2. Change your email address
3. It's OK to for a man to say, "no" to their mother
The average ranking of this book is 4.20.
Also- Brie Larson wears Crocs.
This is a fact.
P.S. Don't forget to water your plants.
February 22, 2017
Neil Strauss is the world's biggest narcissist. This book is a long series of humblebrags about how great, but also sensitive and tormented, he is. I'm pretty sure it's 95% made up.
March 19, 2021
I can't give this an appropriate star rating, since I didn't even finish the first third of this (audio) book. (For those who read the whole thing, I stopped before he even got out of the rehab center. His Very Perfect Girlfriend just arrived for family weekend.)
Another review just about sums up my thoughts on this book, so I'm going to reproduce it here: Neil Strauss is the world's biggest narcissist. This book is a long series of humblebrags about how great, but also sensitive and tormented, he is.
I just do not have the time or energy to listen to one more man-baby complain how he's "too messed up for love" while simultaneously insisting he's smarter than everyone around him. It's exhausting and reeks of privilege and patriarchy. Also Strauss's stint in the rehab center feels inspired by One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, only it comes across as though a 12-year-old wrote it, pretending to be in his 30s.
Anyway, read at your own peril.
Another review just about sums up my thoughts on this book, so I'm going to reproduce it here: Neil Strauss is the world's biggest narcissist. This book is a long series of humblebrags about how great, but also sensitive and tormented, he is.
I just do not have the time or energy to listen to one more man-baby complain how he's "too messed up for love" while simultaneously insisting he's smarter than everyone around him. It's exhausting and reeks of privilege and patriarchy. Also Strauss's stint in the rehab center feels inspired by One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, only it comes across as though a 12-year-old wrote it, pretending to be in his 30s.
Anyway, read at your own peril.
July 19, 2016
Brought this book in Oxford.
I seem to be the minority here. Namely one of whom really didn't enjoy the book. The beginning of the book seemed promising, then it quickly disintegrated. Few problems I had with this book:
1. I didn't think the story of his parents were his to tell. Simply dissecting the most private part of their soul open for the world to see, for his own profit, was simply disgusting to me. And that's just one of the thing he did that appalled me.
2. Yes I understand he is the villain in the story. But how am I suppose to even feel just a silver of empathy for the guy when all he does is 'me me me'. His feelings, his childhood, his past, his arrogance and enormous ego? So he cheats, lies, wants to have sex with any random women and throw away commitment and love with little regard, but I'm suppose to feel bad for him because he feels bad doing it?
Piss off.
I seem to be the minority here. Namely one of whom really didn't enjoy the book. The beginning of the book seemed promising, then it quickly disintegrated. Few problems I had with this book:
1. I didn't think the story of his parents were his to tell. Simply dissecting the most private part of their soul open for the world to see, for his own profit, was simply disgusting to me. And that's just one of the thing he did that appalled me.
2. Yes I understand he is the villain in the story. But how am I suppose to even feel just a silver of empathy for the guy when all he does is 'me me me'. His feelings, his childhood, his past, his arrogance and enormous ego? So he cheats, lies, wants to have sex with any random women and throw away commitment and love with little regard, but I'm suppose to feel bad for him because he feels bad doing it?
Piss off.
May 24, 2021
A dishevelled man sits on a park bench by you. He’s clearly had a rough life.
"The stories I could tell" he murmurs, "of a life destroyed by my addiction to cigarettes"
"What, a pack a day can do that?" you ask, since he seems to be seeking your prompt.
"Five packs a day, more like. Let me show you what it does"
Well, you think, this sounds intriguing.
He pulls out a pack, peels off the plastic, shakily pries open the cover...
...then empties the entire contents into his mouth, swallowing them like a duck.
Neil Strauss wants to tell you "The Truth" about "relationships". But this is a book of hidden meanings.
"The Truth" means his truth.
"Relationships" means sex.
"His truth about sex" means, well...
If the guys could carry me on their shoulders, they would.
“Truth”
Look, yeah, this is a book about narcissism and if you want to read about a guy who everybody clapped for, the most out-of-control sex addict in the room, and who smirkingly refers to the relief at being de-centered by his harem, then by all means read this, or The Wolf of Wall Street. Any patina of self-humiliation the book claims to show is buried under whatever is left of his crippled mother from being hit by the bus Strauss threw her under.
"this is one of the most narcissistic mothers I've ever come across"
The Truth is billed as a story of self-discovery, backed up by the scientific method of quote mining a few books and sympathetic experts to support whatever ever-evolving position that particular chapter demands. The reality is that it is a collection of articles whose connective tissue is whatever Neil Strauss deems Rick Rubin should say. Strauss expressly disclaims that his book is a journalistic endeavour, so please do not trust any word out his mouth... ...or anyone else's mouth... ...any reference to anyone else's journals... ...or any cartoons Strauss throws in when he runs out of space and needs to zoom through what should have been some major plot points.
Anyway, Strauss and his life-partner bury a toy elephant and get married, so everything ends up all sorted. No need to investigate further how that has gone.
“Sex”
This is a book about sex-addiction, even if it might not exist; is not really Strauss’ issue; nor relates to relationships. So, we need to understand sex right? Strauss understands that. He doesn’t linger on cleaning schedules, communication in a relationship or what attracts you to a person other than a banging rack. Being with someone means having sex, as his musings set out:
4. The sex gets old over time
5. So does she
Strauss is a cool dude cursed too much sex. You know, the thing with the… …um… hissing sound.
If you don’t want to be addicted to sex, read this book. If you don’t want to feel like ever having sex again, read this book. It’s at your option to be charitable and credit Strauss for showing the unrewarding nature of addiction but, at best, he overshoots the mark and leaves you wondering how our species managed to continue to reproduce.
The Truth is a calculated book of sexually extreme situations. You can revel in them or not. But if you choose a bunch of them, and they keep sucking for dull reasons, then your narrative also gets dull. Wow, Pornhub sucks; wow, polyamory sucks; wow, swinging sucks; wow, having a harem sucks. It is all just variations on the same theme. Comments by therapists and friends (or at least what Strauss writes they said) are not the revelations they are presented in the book. Instead, they serve as nothing more than waypoints guiding Strauss onto the next unrewarding situation.
"You have the biggest heart of anyone I know."
If you think Strauss is everything he believes he is then maybe you can glean something from The Truth. Otherwise, got outside and smoke a cigarette.
January 11, 2024
This book has been a very long, exhausting and emotional roller-coaster! The author Neil Strauss is very brave to publish this book. Since releasing The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, the author has found himself struggling with sex addiction and the inability to commit. Like most men, he is scared that if he marries somebody, he will not be able to fool around with others. The thought of being "caged" scares him. In this book, he writes about his journey through rehab, relapse, hook ups and break ups, and finally managing to heal and recover, not only from his addiction problem, but also to a certain degree his childhood trauma.
I have to say that the psychological insights Strauss acquired during his journey are very, very fascinating. I learned a lot from this book and I hope that it will be of use in the future. For instance, I learned about love avoidants and love addicts, how the former is usually the result of an over-controlling and enmeshing parent, whereas the latter mostly happens when abandoned by a parent. Of course, this may sound simple, but Strauss really delves deep into the topic and shares a lot of pain.
Another term I learned is called "anhedonia." Ever heard of this? It means the "inability to feel pleasure." It's not necessarily bad, but at a devastating low-point in Strauss' struggle to overcome his addiction problem and the intellectual barriers he set up to basically deny that he even has a problem, his dear therapist Lorraine wants him to reach a state of anhedonia. The main takeaway here, is that before we can start a relationship with another person, we really do have to work on ourselves first and make sure that we are grown up and stable. Once we are in control of ourselves, we may then pursue a honest and truthful relationship.
A lot of characters appear in this book and what a life Neil lives. Sometimes, I thought that he "overthinks" a lot and that causes him to have a lot of problems, but he sure is very lucky to have Rick Rubin as his mentor and that Ingrid gave him another chance. There are so many quotes that I underlined and wrote down! Definitely a must-read for today's younger generation! I wish him and his family all the best!
"They say that love is blind, but it’s trauma that’s blind. Love sees what is."
"Don’t trade long-term happiness for short-term pleasure."
"Love is not about finding the right person. It’s about becoming the right person."
"Life is a test and you pass if you can be true to yourself."
"Even when we see the truth, trauma still prevents us from reaching it, like a rockslide blocking the road to our future."
"Guilt is about making a mistake. Shame is about being a mistake."
"The opposite of fear is not joy. It is acceptance."
"It takes commitment to change. For only in commitment is there freedom."
"Real intelligence is when your mind and your heart connect."
"Love is a cage only when you feel indebted to it, constrained by it, responsible to its owner."
"Studies on choice even affirm that having too many options leads to less happiness and satisfaction."
I have to say that the psychological insights Strauss acquired during his journey are very, very fascinating. I learned a lot from this book and I hope that it will be of use in the future. For instance, I learned about love avoidants and love addicts, how the former is usually the result of an over-controlling and enmeshing parent, whereas the latter mostly happens when abandoned by a parent. Of course, this may sound simple, but Strauss really delves deep into the topic and shares a lot of pain.
Another term I learned is called "anhedonia." Ever heard of this? It means the "inability to feel pleasure." It's not necessarily bad, but at a devastating low-point in Strauss' struggle to overcome his addiction problem and the intellectual barriers he set up to basically deny that he even has a problem, his dear therapist Lorraine wants him to reach a state of anhedonia. The main takeaway here, is that before we can start a relationship with another person, we really do have to work on ourselves first and make sure that we are grown up and stable. Once we are in control of ourselves, we may then pursue a honest and truthful relationship.
A lot of characters appear in this book and what a life Neil lives. Sometimes, I thought that he "overthinks" a lot and that causes him to have a lot of problems, but he sure is very lucky to have Rick Rubin as his mentor and that Ingrid gave him another chance. There are so many quotes that I underlined and wrote down! Definitely a must-read for today's younger generation! I wish him and his family all the best!
"They say that love is blind, but it’s trauma that’s blind. Love sees what is."
"Don’t trade long-term happiness for short-term pleasure."
"Love is not about finding the right person. It’s about becoming the right person."
"Life is a test and you pass if you can be true to yourself."
"Even when we see the truth, trauma still prevents us from reaching it, like a rockslide blocking the road to our future."
"Guilt is about making a mistake. Shame is about being a mistake."
"The opposite of fear is not joy. It is acceptance."
"It takes commitment to change. For only in commitment is there freedom."
"Real intelligence is when your mind and your heart connect."
"Love is a cage only when you feel indebted to it, constrained by it, responsible to its owner."
"Studies on choice even affirm that having too many options leads to less happiness and satisfaction."
October 4, 2016
Yeah, well, this was ok-ish but not as good as I was expecting it to be. The first part was excellent, what followed was just boring. Also, Rick Rubin is a pretentious, pompous, overblown, obnoxious twat, and he's all over the book. Fuck him.
That said, I loved Neil Strauss's biographies - The Long Hard Road Out of Hell, The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band, How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale - as well as his nonfinction. I really enjoyed both The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists and Emergency: This Book Will Save Your Life, but "The Truth" just fell short of my expectations.
2.5 stars. Sorry. I mean, I really am.
That said, I loved Neil Strauss's biographies - The Long Hard Road Out of Hell, The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band, How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale - as well as his nonfinction. I really enjoyed both The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists and Emergency: This Book Will Save Your Life, but "The Truth" just fell short of my expectations.
2.5 stars. Sorry. I mean, I really am.
October 30, 2018
I read the Game so I had to read the sequel to see how it ended. So here's the big question: Is he a total fraud or just the most messed up man in America?
The book is like 80% debauchery and then 20% banality. He has to engage in every single sexual arrangement to finally decide that "I guess marriage is good?" I mean, most people could reason that out without assembling a harem of hot messes and going to a naked swingers retreat? Or is the hussle to just write about all his sexual escapades but sell it with a neat bow at the end as though the book has something to do with "THE TRUTH?" I don't know, but I guess I'm the one that got hustled.
The book is like 80% debauchery and then 20% banality. He has to engage in every single sexual arrangement to finally decide that "I guess marriage is good?" I mean, most people could reason that out without assembling a harem of hot messes and going to a naked swingers retreat? Or is the hussle to just write about all his sexual escapades but sell it with a neat bow at the end as though the book has something to do with "THE TRUTH?" I don't know, but I guess I'm the one that got hustled.
November 28, 2021
Це був однозначно цікавий тиждень читання.
"Гірка правда про стосунки" - це казка для дорослих. В ній все, як у класичних оповідках: є герой, неідеальний, але який є, він щось має, потім втрачає, потім крізь тернії доходить до істини і отримує назад те, що втратив. Всі щасливі, хеппі енд.
В книзі дуже багато відвертостей і терній розкутості та вільних стосунків;
* Роздумів про те, як на людей впливають стосунки з батьками і те, любили їх батьки чи ні;
* Багато пошуків таємного інгридієнту і очікуваний висновок: його немає.
* Все в твоїй голові і з тим можна працювати, от тоді і буде щастя.
* Ніхто не полюбить тебе так, як ти сам (і ні, груповий секс тут теж не канає).
Я досі не визначилася: чи це художня проза з елементами психотерапії чи психотерапевтична книжка з елементами художньої оповіді. В будь-якому разі, було корисно її прочитати) І достатньо приємно - бо написана дотепно, легко, з гумором і самоіронією.
Раджу тим, хто любить поколупатися у себе в голові і міркує про те, де береться кохання і як з тим жити)
"Гірка правда про стосунки" - це казка для дорослих. В ній все, як у класичних оповідках: є герой, неідеальний, але який є, він щось має, потім втрачає, потім крізь тернії доходить до істини і отримує назад те, що втратив. Всі щасливі, хеппі енд.
В книзі дуже багато відвертостей і терній розкутості та вільних стосунків;
* Роздумів про те, як на людей впливають стосунки з батьками і те, любили їх батьки чи ні;
* Багато пошуків таємного інгридієнту і очікуваний висновок: його немає.
* Все в твоїй голові і з тим можна працювати, от тоді і буде щастя.
* Ніхто не полюбить тебе так, як ти сам (і ні, груповий секс тут теж не канає).
Я досі не визначилася: чи це художня проза з елементами психотерапії чи психотерапевтична книжка з елементами художньої оповіді. В будь-якому разі, було корисно її прочитати) І достатньо приємно - бо написана дотепно, легко, з гумором і самоіронією.
Раджу тим, хто любить поколупатися у себе в голові і міркує про те, де береться кохання і як з тим жити)
November 2, 2015
I read The Game when I was in college, single, and entering the 'real world' - it was a thrilling read and absolutely helped with my personal confidence. The Truth recognizes The Game for what it is, seeking short-term pleasures at the sacrifice of long-term happiness. The Truth is The Game all grown up, and as I read it now as a married man seven years into my best relationship I realize I've grown along with it.
Strauss is a master storyteller of the human guinea pig non-fiction narrative and really turns introspective here, as he submits to rehab/therapy/non-monogamy/abstinence and all manner of physical and emotional experiment to understand himself, his complicated history, and how he might find happiness in sex and love today.
The book is funny, sexy, gross, overwrought, emotional, traumatic, honest, TMI, and complex, but Strauss keeps a fast pace while breaking down the various philosophies, treatments, research, communities, and relationship models - trying each one openly and with plenty of emotional weight at stake. It's like a crash-course in 101 emotional therapy you experience third-hand.
Whether it's a mythologized cliche or undiscovered insight, Strauss challenges societal mores and rules while finding himself and strives for honesty above all. There isn't a person alive who hasn't dealt with honesty and shame and jealousy and resentment. I appreciate Strauss for digging deep and surviving the darkness, then coming back to share his results.
Strauss is a master storyteller of the human guinea pig non-fiction narrative and really turns introspective here, as he submits to rehab/therapy/non-monogamy/abstinence and all manner of physical and emotional experiment to understand himself, his complicated history, and how he might find happiness in sex and love today.
The book is funny, sexy, gross, overwrought, emotional, traumatic, honest, TMI, and complex, but Strauss keeps a fast pace while breaking down the various philosophies, treatments, research, communities, and relationship models - trying each one openly and with plenty of emotional weight at stake. It's like a crash-course in 101 emotional therapy you experience third-hand.
Whether it's a mythologized cliche or undiscovered insight, Strauss challenges societal mores and rules while finding himself and strives for honesty above all. There isn't a person alive who hasn't dealt with honesty and shame and jealousy and resentment. I appreciate Strauss for digging deep and surviving the darkness, then coming back to share his results.
January 6, 2016
This book was a bit too intense for me.
To be honest, it was just too carnal.
It ended well, and I guess it was interesting to read all the different stages the author went through, but I think whatever end or motive he had in mind could have been accomplished a lot more simply. But then again, it's a semi autobiography, so the guy is free to write what he damn well wants and not care if some people can't stomach it:))
One other thing I would like to add:
There is already quite enough undeserved prejudice/stigma/bias attached to or around some beliefs already, without world-renowned authors adding to it.
So for god's sake, if you are going to write about leading religious figures from a faith other than your own, at least get your facts straight first!
To be honest, it was just too carnal.
It ended well, and I guess it was interesting to read all the different stages the author went through, but I think whatever end or motive he had in mind could have been accomplished a lot more simply. But then again, it's a semi autobiography, so the guy is free to write what he damn well wants and not care if some people can't stomach it:))
One other thing I would like to add:
There is already quite enough undeserved prejudice/stigma/bias attached to or around some beliefs already, without world-renowned authors adding to it.
So for god's sake, if you are going to write about leading religious figures from a faith other than your own, at least get your facts straight first!
December 29, 2020
Колись купив цю книжку з думкою, що непогано було б для різноманіття мати в бібліотеці одну книгу про поліаморію і свінгерів, і поклав на дальню поличку "на потім", але вона виявилася не зовсім про це.
Ніл Штраус дуже відверто описує свій досід перебування в клініці для лікування залежностей (його власна залежність — від сексу), групову терапію, особисту терапію, інших пацієнтів, поступове відкриття подробиць його стосунків з власними батьками в дитинстві. Не знаю чи є тут межа між автобіографією і вигадкою, але опис постійних сумнівів — в собі, в лікуванні, в діагнозах, а також те, як Ніл описує свою залежність (в якій сумнівається), виглядає абсолютно правдоподібно.
Наступний розділ — спроба врятувати стосунки, через які він до цієї клініки і потрапив. Знову ж таки, те, як описано динаміку стосунків емоційно залежної жінки і чоловіка, уникаючого близькості (у нас це все називають травмою близькості), максимально реалістично. Ці розділи найсильніші. Далі йде найбільший розділ, про втечу автора від стосунків і від діагнозу (не я не такий, а люди навколо не такі, треба просто знайти "своїх") і спроби різних варіантів полігамії - поліаморія, свінгерство, відкриті стосунки, все з численними відвертими подробицями (книга 18+), мабуть так книжка набагато краще продається. Ну і завершення історії — крах ілюзій, "опускання на дно", покірність діагнозу і необхідності продовжити лікування.
Все це, звісно, відбувається в іншому світі, де взагалі не існує проблем з грошима (складається враження що ніхто особливо і не працює), ні в кого немає дітей, країна не воює, а весь час і зусилля героїв книжки витрачаються на розваги, відпочинок і спроби будувати стосунки, але разом з тим гранична відвертість автора і певна універсальність тем роблять її точно вартою уваги.
Ніл Штраус дуже відверто описує свій досід перебування в клініці для лікування залежностей (його власна залежність — від сексу), групову терапію, особисту терапію, інших пацієнтів, поступове відкриття подробиць його стосунків з власними батьками в дитинстві. Не знаю чи є тут межа між автобіографією і вигадкою, але опис постійних сумнівів — в собі, в лікуванні, в діагнозах, а також те, як Ніл описує свою залежність (в якій сумнівається), виглядає абсолютно правдоподібно.
Наступний розділ — спроба врятувати стосунки, через які він до цієї клініки і потрапив. Знову ж таки, те, як описано динаміку стосунків емоційно залежної жінки і чоловіка, уникаючого близькості (у нас це все називають травмою близькості), максимально реалістично. Ці розділи найсильніші. Далі йде найбільший розділ, про втечу автора від стосунків і від діагнозу (не я не такий, а люди навколо не такі, треба просто знайти "своїх") і спроби різних варіантів полігамії - поліаморія, свінгерство, відкриті стосунки, все з численними відвертими подробицями (книга 18+), мабуть так книжка набагато краще продається. Ну і завершення історії — крах ілюзій, "опускання на дно", покірність діагнозу і необхідності продовжити лікування.
Все це, звісно, відбувається в іншому світі, де взагалі не існує проблем з грошима (складається враження що ніхто особливо і не працює), ні в кого немає дітей, країна не воює, а весь час і зусилля героїв книжки витрачаються на розваги, відпочинок і спроби будувати стосунки, але разом з тим гранична відвертість автора і певна універсальність тем роблять її точно вартою уваги.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 3, 2017
I loved The Game, The Dirt, and Emergency, so I was excited for Strauss's latest effort. (It's not often that I bother pre-ordering a book.) So maybe it's because my expectations were so high, but this one turned out to be a disappointment.
Neil Strauss has (or had) severe issues with commitment, trust, and fidelity, and wrote a book about his attempts to solve them. That's fine, except instead of realising how messed up he is, or how personal his issues are, he tries to portray his misadventures as something that everyone can relate to, just another phase of growing up, like going through puberty. As if every man is so uncontrollably sex-obsessed that he can't bear the thought of staying in a committed monogamous relationship with nothing extra on the side. As if being a cheater is something that happens to you from the outside, and not a decision that you make yourself. It's ironic that for a book that's supposedly about growing up and maturing (Strauss was in his forties when the events of this book occurred), Strauss comes across as petty, insecure, selfish, and narcissistic throughout. He claims to have learned his lesson in the end, but I didn't find it very convincing.
I guess it's unsurprising that someone who wrote an entire book about his adventures as a "pick-up artist" would have issues with women and sex. But one of the things that made The Game such a great book was Strauss's candor, and willingness to admit his flaws and mistakes. The Truth felt very lacking in that regard. Sometimes it's cringeworthy, like when Strauss decides to try living with a "harem" - dating three girls simultaneously while they all live together. Unsurprisingly, this ends in disaster - yet Strauss seems to think he's imparting a valuable life lesson on the reader by sharing this cautionary tale. "Self-awareness" is not a quality on display here.
There is, however, a saving grace, and that's the quality of Strauss's writing. There's no question that this multi-bestselling author is an absolute master of the English language, and his ability to keep you gripped and turning the pages is unparalleled. Without that, I don't know if I would have bothered to finish.
I'm glad I read this, if only because I'm a big fan of Strauss's other writing. But if this had been the first thing of his that I'd read, I don't know if I would have bothered checking out his previous books. Maybe come back to it later, but if you haven't read anything from Strauss previously, this is definitely not the book you should start with.
Neil Strauss has (or had) severe issues with commitment, trust, and fidelity, and wrote a book about his attempts to solve them. That's fine, except instead of realising how messed up he is, or how personal his issues are, he tries to portray his misadventures as something that everyone can relate to, just another phase of growing up, like going through puberty. As if every man is so uncontrollably sex-obsessed that he can't bear the thought of staying in a committed monogamous relationship with nothing extra on the side. As if being a cheater is something that happens to you from the outside, and not a decision that you make yourself. It's ironic that for a book that's supposedly about growing up and maturing (Strauss was in his forties when the events of this book occurred), Strauss comes across as petty, insecure, selfish, and narcissistic throughout. He claims to have learned his lesson in the end, but I didn't find it very convincing.
I guess it's unsurprising that someone who wrote an entire book about his adventures as a "pick-up artist" would have issues with women and sex. But one of the things that made The Game such a great book was Strauss's candor, and willingness to admit his flaws and mistakes. The Truth felt very lacking in that regard. Sometimes it's cringeworthy, like when Strauss decides to try living with a "harem" - dating three girls simultaneously while they all live together. Unsurprisingly, this ends in disaster - yet Strauss seems to think he's imparting a valuable life lesson on the reader by sharing this cautionary tale. "Self-awareness" is not a quality on display here.
There is, however, a saving grace, and that's the quality of Strauss's writing. There's no question that this multi-bestselling author is an absolute master of the English language, and his ability to keep you gripped and turning the pages is unparalleled. Without that, I don't know if I would have bothered to finish.
I'm glad I read this, if only because I'm a big fan of Strauss's other writing. But if this had been the first thing of his that I'd read, I don't know if I would have bothered checking out his previous books. Maybe come back to it later, but if you haven't read anything from Strauss previously, this is definitely not the book you should start with.
October 27, 2015
I was interested in reading this since my gentleman friend was really excited to read it and he never gets excited about books. Neil Strauss, known player, turned romantic? The book kind of goes into Neil's doubts and fears about relationships, then rehab for sex addiction, then his flip to the complete other side where he gets into swinging/polygamy, then realizes it's all too much for him and wanting to find enlightenment and winning back the woman he was originally with.
While I realize he had to discuss the polygamy/swinging ("the lows") in order for him to realize that maybe freedom was a little too free, he seemed to go into way more detail and depth about how awesome it was than the therapy and the realization he had to fix himself. The therapy seemed like a chore and not fun and didn't seem like it would win over any converts. The balance between the highs and the lows seemed a little off.
While I realize he had to discuss the polygamy/swinging ("the lows") in order for him to realize that maybe freedom was a little too free, he seemed to go into way more detail and depth about how awesome it was than the therapy and the realization he had to fix himself. The therapy seemed like a chore and not fun and didn't seem like it would win over any converts. The balance between the highs and the lows seemed a little off.
September 11, 2019
Оце я влучно попав. Видно довіряючи підсвідомості.
Книжка дійсно про стосунки, терапію, висновки. І тут знайшов те що вивчав і займаюся і цікавлюся - «робота на стільцях», «регресивний гіпноз», методи НЛП, ціліснісна особистість.
Книжка вартує для прочитання, о так - особливо чоловікам. Висновки - щоб створити здорові стосунки потрібно бути самому цілісною особистістю, вивести на чисту воду дитячі травми, розібратися які є переконання і цінності і чому.
Книжка дійсно про стосунки, терапію, висновки. І тут знайшов те що вивчав і займаюся і цікавлюся - «робота на стільцях», «регресивний гіпноз», методи НЛП, ціліснісна особистість.
Книжка вартує для прочитання, о так - особливо чоловікам. Висновки - щоб створити здорові стосунки потрібно бути самому цілісною особистістю, вивести на чисту воду дитячі травми, розібратися які є переконання і цінності і чому.
February 6, 2021
For me, the book is too absolute in its statements. For example, Neil doesn't let his readers decide and form opinions. He started with "I am the villain."
The book is about discovering Mr Strauss’ journey to adulthood/maturity. Not impressed with the shallow and at times superficial writing style. I didn't really learn much from reading it but at parts it was entertaining. The book is not "the truth" but his (emotionally immature) truth.
The book is about discovering Mr Strauss’ journey to adulthood/maturity. Not impressed with the shallow and at times superficial writing style. I didn't really learn much from reading it but at parts it was entertaining. The book is not "the truth" but his (emotionally immature) truth.
July 30, 2018
Pretty good. Starts out funny and thought-provoking as you follow Strauss through his journey into multiple relationships and sex addiction therapy. There’s even a brief interlude where he tries living in a commune. However, as the book wore on it tended to get repetitive and the last quarter was slathered in cheese. Quasi-relationship therapy book masquerading as a story. Entertaining but I’d still say the best book by him that I’ve read is Emergency.
November 3, 2015
The book is highly interesting and very engaging. It kept my interest the entire way through. As a story of an interesting life, it is certainly up there in my opinion and could be worth 5 stars for that alone.
As a useful guide to help others I found it less so.
There is some useful information earlier in the book while Neil was in therapy at the addition centre and then towards the end of the book there is a brief paragraph on various different therapies and resources the author tried which left me wanting a lot more information.
As I write this the book refers readers to a web link that does not contain the links and further reading as suggested in the book. This is where I hope that readers can continue their personal journey and expand on any areas of interest over what can be learnt from the book.
I am a little frustrated that I cannot follow up in more detail as much as I would like but I am confident this will be resolved and am not going to penalise the review for that.
Some key takeaways from the book:
1) If you have issues, you will bring these to whatever relationship you are in
2) Sort yourself out first before blaming your partner for any issues you have, a lot of those issues will go away
3) Most disappointments come from your own internal expectations that you have probably not communicated. You cannot expect people to do things they do not know you want them to do
4) Reactive communication is a downward spiral. Try and stay a grown up
5) Work on trying to become a better person and operate closer to your potential than getting bogged down in nonsense
6) There is a pretty high chance you will die. What will you think about in your last few moments, what will you regret and what will you wish you spent more time doing and what would you need to have done less of to create that time
7) Whatever issues you have there is a very high chance you will pass those on to your children. Give them a head start by letting them grow up without being bogged down with inherited issues and parental expectations, let them live their own life.
As a useful guide to help others I found it less so.
There is some useful information earlier in the book while Neil was in therapy at the addition centre and then towards the end of the book there is a brief paragraph on various different therapies and resources the author tried which left me wanting a lot more information.
As I write this the book refers readers to a web link that does not contain the links and further reading as suggested in the book. This is where I hope that readers can continue their personal journey and expand on any areas of interest over what can be learnt from the book.
I am a little frustrated that I cannot follow up in more detail as much as I would like but I am confident this will be resolved and am not going to penalise the review for that.
Some key takeaways from the book:
1) If you have issues, you will bring these to whatever relationship you are in
2) Sort yourself out first before blaming your partner for any issues you have, a lot of those issues will go away
3) Most disappointments come from your own internal expectations that you have probably not communicated. You cannot expect people to do things they do not know you want them to do
4) Reactive communication is a downward spiral. Try and stay a grown up
5) Work on trying to become a better person and operate closer to your potential than getting bogged down in nonsense
6) There is a pretty high chance you will die. What will you think about in your last few moments, what will you regret and what will you wish you spent more time doing and what would you need to have done less of to create that time
7) Whatever issues you have there is a very high chance you will pass those on to your children. Give them a head start by letting them grow up without being bogged down with inherited issues and parental expectations, let them live their own life.
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