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The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better
In this groundbreaking analysis of personality type, bestselling author of Better Than Before and The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin reveals the one simple question that will transform what you do at home, at work, and in life.
During her multibook investigation into understanding human nature, Gretchen Rubin realized that by asking the seemingly dry question "How do I respond to expectations?" we gain explosive self-knowledge. She discovered that based on their answer, people fit into Four Tendencies: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Our Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior, so using this framework allows us to make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress, and engage more effectively.
More than 600,000 people have taken her online quiz, and managers, doctors, teachers, spouses, and parents already use the framework to help people make significant, lasting change.
The Four Tendencies hold practical answers if you've ever thought...
· People can rely on me, but I can't rely on myself.
· How can I help someone to follow good advice?
· People say I ask too many questions.
· How do I work with someone who refuses to do what I ask or who keeps telling me what to do?
With sharp insight, compelling research, and hilarious examples, The Four Tendencies will help you get happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative. It's far easier to succeed when you know what works for you.
During her multibook investigation into understanding human nature, Gretchen Rubin realized that by asking the seemingly dry question "How do I respond to expectations?" we gain explosive self-knowledge. She discovered that based on their answer, people fit into Four Tendencies: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Our Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior, so using this framework allows us to make better decisions, meet deadlines, suffer less stress, and engage more effectively.
More than 600,000 people have taken her online quiz, and managers, doctors, teachers, spouses, and parents already use the framework to help people make significant, lasting change.
The Four Tendencies hold practical answers if you've ever thought...
· People can rely on me, but I can't rely on myself.
· How can I help someone to follow good advice?
· People say I ask too many questions.
· How do I work with someone who refuses to do what I ask or who keeps telling me what to do?
With sharp insight, compelling research, and hilarious examples, The Four Tendencies will help you get happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative. It's far easier to succeed when you know what works for you.
7 pages, Audio CD
First published September 7, 2017
About the author
Gretchen Rubin
41 books113k followersAuthor Update:
Gretchen Rubin is excited to announce the paperback edition of "Life in Five Senses," available April 30th, 2024. Pre-order your copy today and explore using your senses for a happier, healthier, more creative life.
Plus, read the “secret chapter” that was cut from the final version of the book. If you know anything about Gretchen, you’ll be very surprised by this particular adventure.
Author Bio:
Gretchen Rubin is one of today’s most influential and thought-provoking observers of happiness and human nature.
She’s the author of many New York Times bestselling books, such as The Happiness Project, Better Than Before, and The Four Tendencies, which have sold millions of copies in more than thirty languages. Her most recent book is Life in Five Senses, also a New York Times bestseller.
She’s the host of the popular, award-winning podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin, where she and her co-host (and sister) Elizabeth Craft explore strategies and insights about how to make life happier. As the founder of The Happiness Project, she has helped create imaginative products for people to use in their own happiness projects.
She has been interviewed by Oprah, eaten dinner with Nobel Prize-winner Daniel Kahneman, walked arm-in-arm with the Dalai Lama, had her work reported on in a medical journal, been written up in the New Yorker, and been an answer on Jeopardy!
Gretchen Rubin started her career in law, and she realized she wanted to be a writer while she was clerking for Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. Raised in Kansas City, she lives in New York City with her family.
Gretchen Rubin is excited to announce the paperback edition of "Life in Five Senses," available April 30th, 2024. Pre-order your copy today and explore using your senses for a happier, healthier, more creative life.
Plus, read the “secret chapter” that was cut from the final version of the book. If you know anything about Gretchen, you’ll be very surprised by this particular adventure.
Author Bio:
Gretchen Rubin is one of today’s most influential and thought-provoking observers of happiness and human nature.
She’s the author of many New York Times bestselling books, such as The Happiness Project, Better Than Before, and The Four Tendencies, which have sold millions of copies in more than thirty languages. Her most recent book is Life in Five Senses, also a New York Times bestseller.
She’s the host of the popular, award-winning podcast Happier with Gretchen Rubin, where she and her co-host (and sister) Elizabeth Craft explore strategies and insights about how to make life happier. As the founder of The Happiness Project, she has helped create imaginative products for people to use in their own happiness projects.
She has been interviewed by Oprah, eaten dinner with Nobel Prize-winner Daniel Kahneman, walked arm-in-arm with the Dalai Lama, had her work reported on in a medical journal, been written up in the New Yorker, and been an answer on Jeopardy!
Gretchen Rubin started her career in law, and she realized she wanted to be a writer while she was clerking for Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor. Raised in Kansas City, she lives in New York City with her family.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 2,603 reviews
February 7, 2018
The author profile on the back states that Gretchen Rubin is one of the most influential writers on human nature. Really? According to whom? I’d like to see that data (and also any data at all to support these four personality profiles that stemmed from a weird quiz about resolutions). But that goes with my type though. I’m a Questioner. 2 stars
October 9, 2017
I don't know where to start. I have read a few things claiming Gretchen is an expert, but as far as I can tell she has a law degree and is an author with no other qualifications and none are mentioned in the book. Why does that make her an expert? She has had dinner with some really impressive people and written some other books on improving yourself and happiness, but that still doesn't make her an expert. The book doesn't provide any research or proof that what she is talking about has any merit at all. Okay, that is a lie, she does reference one study held on the status posts of Facebook, if you can call that thorough research. I don't trust the posts on Facebook for most people, so how can you put someone in a bucket based on their post? She only has two pages of notes at the end and there is nothing meaningful there.
Gretchen tries to lump all of humanity into four groups and states a few of the groups can never overlap. A person also is always part of a group and never moves between the groups. If you are a rebel then you are always a rebel. First, I believe her quiz is flawed. My initial answer to any request is no, why should we do this, apparently this makes me a "Rebel". Then I think about the request and get more information to see if this is something I should really do, ok, makes me a "Questioner". But, if it is for my boss or a client, I will most likely say, let's do it, making me an "Obliger". WAIT you say! You can't be an Obliger and a Questioner, those two are not compatible. See the problem? Only my initial response fits into the Rebel category, not my actions after, then depending on the situation I am a questioner or an obliger. Oh did I mention that I also have many personality traits that Gretchen says fit into the Upholder tendency (which by the way is her tendency and she makes it appear is the best tendency).
Then there is the tone of the book. Gretchen makes it sound like the best tendency, and the tendency that every person should be, is the Upholder. That is her tendency after all. You do everything for yourself and others. It seems that Gretchen talks down on Obligers, the only way to get them to do anything is to make an external expectation outside of their own want or else nothing will get done. Obliger is a large portion of the book and it talks about how to get Obligers to do something, outer expectations get them to do something. (See what I did there? That is the entire book. It could have been five pages to get the non-repeated items out) I don't know how many times she mentions that you *must* have outer expectations to get an obliger to do something. It feels as though she is talking down about Obligers the entire chapter, and other non-Upholder tendencies in other chapters.
She uses a lot of stories and quotes in the book, but they don't feel real. They feel like Gretchen was looking for a quote, *any* quote, that would fit what she is writing about. It feels like she is saying, "Hey! I know have a great made up quote to fit what I need for this chapter." Oh, did I mention that there are no references to any person she talked to or the research that generated the quotes as well?
I feel the writing level is very low. She uses a lot of techniques to catch readers and make them feel like you are having a conversation. But on books that are supposed to be presenting new ways of thinking, I don't think casual conversation is the correct way to give the information, you need research to back up what you are trying to say.
She also takes a lot of famous people and puts them into one of the tendencies. How does she do this? She does it by reading their memoirs or by reading the book, in one instance she uses a Harry Potter character as the main example of one of the tendencies (maybe she feels if you can relate to that character that you will be more likely to buy into the tendencies?). But, she doesn't really know the person. So she feels that by reading a few words from the person she can put them into a box that will tell us how they will always act.
Don't worry, she would put me in the bucket of Questioner, she writes "'Well, I question the validity of your framework,' you're probably a Questioner." If what she was writing had any merit, research, or proof as a "questioner" I would have changed my mind about her framework by the end of the book. But I didn't.
Please note, I only read this book because we had an assignment to do it for work (look I didn't question why and I didn't rebel and not do it, I was an obliger which doesn't fit into any of her ways for a questioner to get to this point, I just accepted it). If this had not been for work, I would have read the first chapter and said, "Nope!"
Gretchen tries to lump all of humanity into four groups and states a few of the groups can never overlap. A person also is always part of a group and never moves between the groups. If you are a rebel then you are always a rebel. First, I believe her quiz is flawed. My initial answer to any request is no, why should we do this, apparently this makes me a "Rebel". Then I think about the request and get more information to see if this is something I should really do, ok, makes me a "Questioner". But, if it is for my boss or a client, I will most likely say, let's do it, making me an "Obliger". WAIT you say! You can't be an Obliger and a Questioner, those two are not compatible. See the problem? Only my initial response fits into the Rebel category, not my actions after, then depending on the situation I am a questioner or an obliger. Oh did I mention that I also have many personality traits that Gretchen says fit into the Upholder tendency (which by the way is her tendency and she makes it appear is the best tendency).
Then there is the tone of the book. Gretchen makes it sound like the best tendency, and the tendency that every person should be, is the Upholder. That is her tendency after all. You do everything for yourself and others. It seems that Gretchen talks down on Obligers, the only way to get them to do anything is to make an external expectation outside of their own want or else nothing will get done. Obliger is a large portion of the book and it talks about how to get Obligers to do something, outer expectations get them to do something. (See what I did there? That is the entire book. It could have been five pages to get the non-repeated items out) I don't know how many times she mentions that you *must* have outer expectations to get an obliger to do something. It feels as though she is talking down about Obligers the entire chapter, and other non-Upholder tendencies in other chapters.
She uses a lot of stories and quotes in the book, but they don't feel real. They feel like Gretchen was looking for a quote, *any* quote, that would fit what she is writing about. It feels like she is saying, "Hey! I know have a great made up quote to fit what I need for this chapter." Oh, did I mention that there are no references to any person she talked to or the research that generated the quotes as well?
I feel the writing level is very low. She uses a lot of techniques to catch readers and make them feel like you are having a conversation. But on books that are supposed to be presenting new ways of thinking, I don't think casual conversation is the correct way to give the information, you need research to back up what you are trying to say.
She also takes a lot of famous people and puts them into one of the tendencies. How does she do this? She does it by reading their memoirs or by reading the book, in one instance she uses a Harry Potter character as the main example of one of the tendencies (maybe she feels if you can relate to that character that you will be more likely to buy into the tendencies?). But, she doesn't really know the person. So she feels that by reading a few words from the person she can put them into a box that will tell us how they will always act.
Don't worry, she would put me in the bucket of Questioner, she writes "'Well, I question the validity of your framework,' you're probably a Questioner." If what she was writing had any merit, research, or proof as a "questioner" I would have changed my mind about her framework by the end of the book. But I didn't.
Please note, I only read this book because we had an assignment to do it for work (look I didn't question why and I didn't rebel and not do it, I was an obliger which doesn't fit into any of her ways for a questioner to get to this point, I just accepted it). If this had not been for work, I would have read the first chapter and said, "Nope!"
October 28, 2017
Oh. Oh. My. Gosh. Too simple to be so true, and surely not perfect for everyone, but goodness, perfect for me. For the first time in five blinking decades I've realized that I am actually a 'rebel' and not an 'obliger.' I was such a good girl as a child, and I've never done anything truly reckless as one would think of when one thinks of ppl who are rebellious, and I've always taken pretty good care of my household and family... but my personality is rebel, and that means nobody, not even me, can boss me around. And that's why there are things that I've wanted to do, but haven't done. And that's why I've called myself 'lazy' even though I often work very hard. And that's why... well, this is a review, not a confessional, so I'll stop there.
Now, the thing is, the three other ppl I live with are clearly 'rebels' too. And so it still is my job to behave towards my responsibilities as if I'm an 'obliger,' or, better yet, an 'upholder.' At the same time, I need to use the right strategies to help them make the right choices, which means more hands-off than I'm used to.... So I'm going to study the chapter on 'rebels' again, very carefully. Hey, but at least I don't need to read the rest of the book!
Short book, engagingly written. If you ever read pop psychology, or wish 'self-help' books were a bit more scientific, or have enjoyed Rubin's other work, or are struggling with Expectations (and/or Habits and/or Happiness) in your own life, I highly recommend this.
I'll put the best tips for 'rebels' in the comments as I study more....
OK, done, time to let some other library patron have a chance to read this.
Now, the thing is, the three other ppl I live with are clearly 'rebels' too. And so it still is my job to behave towards my responsibilities as if I'm an 'obliger,' or, better yet, an 'upholder.' At the same time, I need to use the right strategies to help them make the right choices, which means more hands-off than I'm used to.... So I'm going to study the chapter on 'rebels' again, very carefully. Hey, but at least I don't need to read the rest of the book!
Short book, engagingly written. If you ever read pop psychology, or wish 'self-help' books were a bit more scientific, or have enjoyed Rubin's other work, or are struggling with Expectations (and/or Habits and/or Happiness) in your own life, I highly recommend this.
I'll put the best tips for 'rebels' in the comments as I study more....
OK, done, time to let some other library patron have a chance to read this.
January 21, 2018
I am a fan of Gretchen Rubin and her podcast. I am sad to say that this book was really disappointing. Her "Four Tendencies" was a cute idea in her book Better Than Before and I was hoping she would do actual research and collect real evidence to validate her theory. Sadly, this book is just a rehashing of her opinions and insights with no evidence or justification. Gretchen Rubin, perhaps, has not heard of confirmation bias? She only uses her own brilliant insights as proof of her tendencies. Hello? If you are looking through the lens with the 4 tendencies worldview you are going to find justification based on your worldview.
She lacks basic understanding of the complex natural of psychological research and practice...it is starting to get on my nerves. I went from a fan to an annoyed, eye-rolling, critic.
Conveniently, she categorizes anyone who questions the validity of her model as a "Questioner" and describes this as a quirk to get out of the tendencies. Well, Gretchen, perhaps you should address that question instead of skirting it entirely?
She lacks basic understanding of the complex natural of psychological research and practice...it is starting to get on my nerves. I went from a fan to an annoyed, eye-rolling, critic.
Conveniently, she categorizes anyone who questions the validity of her model as a "Questioner" and describes this as a quirk to get out of the tendencies. Well, Gretchen, perhaps you should address that question instead of skirting it entirely?
September 21, 2017
I didn't find this to be as revelatory as it seems to be for so many.
To use Rubin's own language this book is definitely written by an Upholder. Full of little boxes to sort everyone into, and you must fit into a box. That is Upholder logic, if I understand it correctly. Tidy little rules for everything, and if you follow those rules everything in your life (and everyone else's) will be so much better. Personally, I don't think people are quite so simple, neat or orderly. I saw pieces of myself and my approach to expectations in every "tendency" and some of my approaches to expectations were never discussed (one of many problems with using purely anecdotal evidence to prop up a theory).
I'm also not crazy about the idea of a whole bunch of Rubin-ites, most disturbingly in the form of employers, teachers, dates, etc., walking around asking others how they feel about New Year's Resolutions, Breaking a Rule, or Inconveniencing Someone. Then, based on the reply, thinking they have the other person completely figured out. No need to do the hard work of actually getting to know a person because you are secretly sorting everyone in your head. By all means use this framework to inform your own goal setting/making, but for heaven's sake leave the rest of us out of it.
To use Rubin's own language this book is definitely written by an Upholder. Full of little boxes to sort everyone into, and you must fit into a box. That is Upholder logic, if I understand it correctly. Tidy little rules for everything, and if you follow those rules everything in your life (and everyone else's) will be so much better. Personally, I don't think people are quite so simple, neat or orderly. I saw pieces of myself and my approach to expectations in every "tendency" and some of my approaches to expectations were never discussed (one of many problems with using purely anecdotal evidence to prop up a theory).
I'm also not crazy about the idea of a whole bunch of Rubin-ites, most disturbingly in the form of employers, teachers, dates, etc., walking around asking others how they feel about New Year's Resolutions, Breaking a Rule, or Inconveniencing Someone. Then, based on the reply, thinking they have the other person completely figured out. No need to do the hard work of actually getting to know a person because you are secretly sorting everyone in your head. By all means use this framework to inform your own goal setting/making, but for heaven's sake leave the rest of us out of it.
October 24, 2019
Pop psychology....
.... categorizing people into ‘types’..... 🧐😊🥴😖
Depending of situations and circumstances....
I uphold- I oblige-I question
and I rebel.
All of the above.
Harmless fun; conversation starter!
.... categorizing people into ‘types’..... 🧐😊🥴😖
Depending of situations and circumstances....
I uphold- I oblige-I question
and I rebel.
All of the above.
Harmless fun; conversation starter!
February 2, 2018
I have sorta mixed feelings about the author. I have read and liked her other happiness/habit books. She has some good insights and is definitely interesting to read. There's something fulfilling about following someone else's personal journey and choosing tidbits that can help your life.
But in this book, I think she goes too far. In her other books, she's kinda been saying, "I did some research and I tried this stuff out myself. Here's how it worked and what you might try." This book, though, she's saying in essence, "I'm an expert now on personality (and relationships!), and here's how to do it. And oh yeah, no real actual research this time except stories of me telling people why I'm right."
She's not a therapist, a psychologist, a counselor, a relationship expert. But I think she sets herself up as if she is.
So here's what. This book was completely crushing to me. I am not exaggerating. I took her quiz and it told me I'm an obliger. Then I read her book. Basically it says,
Dear Obliger,
You can't do anything for yourself. This is your personality and you are stuck with it. You can't change or grow or improve to the point where you can actually choose to do something for your own self.
You can never be like me. I'm an upholder. I can do things for myself AND I can do things for other people. (Angels sing!)
But don't feel bad. Just accept that you will always be at the mercy of other people's expectations for you. You will always have to find someone (or many someone's) who doesn't mind holding up expectations for you every darn day of of your life so that you can function and get things done and try to find some modicum of dignity. Accept it. Work within this suffocating framework. It's not shameful! Aren't you happy you found this book and the wonderful ANSWERS I'm providing?
And don't worry about all that stuff I've said in here telling the other people in your life that you are theirs to manipulate at will because you can't help it. I'm sure that will always be good for you and your relationships.
I'm only trying to help!
Love,
the author
I think she's sincere, but I think she has no idea what she's really saying to people with this book.
I won't go on.
But in this book, I think she goes too far. In her other books, she's kinda been saying, "I did some research and I tried this stuff out myself. Here's how it worked and what you might try." This book, though, she's saying in essence, "I'm an expert now on personality (and relationships!), and here's how to do it. And oh yeah, no real actual research this time except stories of me telling people why I'm right."
She's not a therapist, a psychologist, a counselor, a relationship expert. But I think she sets herself up as if she is.
So here's what. This book was completely crushing to me. I am not exaggerating. I took her quiz and it told me I'm an obliger. Then I read her book. Basically it says,
Dear Obliger,
You can't do anything for yourself. This is your personality and you are stuck with it. You can't change or grow or improve to the point where you can actually choose to do something for your own self.
You can never be like me. I'm an upholder. I can do things for myself AND I can do things for other people. (Angels sing!)
But don't feel bad. Just accept that you will always be at the mercy of other people's expectations for you. You will always have to find someone (or many someone's) who doesn't mind holding up expectations for you every darn day of of your life so that you can function and get things done and try to find some modicum of dignity. Accept it. Work within this suffocating framework. It's not shameful! Aren't you happy you found this book and the wonderful ANSWERS I'm providing?
And don't worry about all that stuff I've said in here telling the other people in your life that you are theirs to manipulate at will because you can't help it. I'm sure that will always be good for you and your relationships.
I'm only trying to help!
Love,
the author
I think she's sincere, but I think she has no idea what she's really saying to people with this book.
I won't go on.
August 4, 2021
When my manager asked me to read this book, I was intrigued. I am not one who usually turns to psychology or human analysis, but was told this book could open me up to new ways of thinking. Gretchen Rubin has found a way to divide people into four main tendencies, which not only dictate their lives, but also the interactions they have with others. I was curious to see where I fit into the mix and how I might be able to determine a label for others, which might help me see why I interact with them in certain ways. While it was not groundbreaking reading, I came away with some interesting views and am happy I took the time to read it.
Rubin has done a great deal of research and analysis into her four tendencies, which are broad enough to fit most everyone, yet still quite telling. Rubin defines people as follows:
- Upholders: respond readily to both outer expectations and inner expectations
- Questioners: question all expectations; they meet an expectation only if they believe it’s justified, so in effect they respond only to inner expectations
- Obligers: respond readily to outer expectations but struggle to meet inner expectations
- Rebels: resist all expectations, outer and inner alike
The book seeks to explore these four tendencies to see where the reader might find themselves, but also explores interactions that each tendency might have with the others, helping to better understand personal and professional relationships. Rubin offers many ‘aha’ moments in this analysis and kept me on my toes throughout, allowing me to better understand the world around me from a new perspective.
Rubin’s easy writing style is one that I thoroughly enjoy, as she makes the analysis come to life without too much in the realm of technical talk. She’s on point and keeps things relatable throughout. Without a throng background in psychology or human analysis, I cannot offer any deeper analysis on the content, but will assert that I felt comfortable throughout and could comprehend the analytics with ease. I’d recommend the book to anyone looking to explore themselves a little more. I was truly shocked where I ended up with I took the quiz, but I suppose I can see it now!
Kudos, Madam Rubin, for some great thought provoking moments. I may have to look for more of your work soon!
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July 13, 2018
There are numerous personality tests available, that rate your personality in one or more dimensions. I like the Myers Briggs test, that gauge your personality in four dimensions (I am an INTP type). This book bring to light a totally different dimension; the dimension of expectations. That is to say, do you respond to internal expectations, and do you respond to external expectations. So, there are four basic types:
Respond to internal and external expectations: Upholder
Respond to internal but not to external expectations: Questioner
Respond to external but not to internal expectations: Obliger
Respond to neither internal nor external expectations: Rebel
With this book, you can answer a simple set of questions, to determine your type. (I am an Upholder.) Then, you can learn about yourself, and by thinking about other people in your life--and perhaps by persuading them to try out the quiz--learn the types of others who you interact with. This book goes into great detail about how to deal with spouses, children, parents, bosses, employees, and any other type of relationship you can think of, depending on their personality type. These explanations go into considerable detail, for all four personality types.
The ideas in this book are simple--almost self-evident--but somehow they sound new and fresh to me. The book is initially fascinating, but after a while becomes quite repetitive. The book's structure lends itself to repetitiveness, and that is what made my interest peter off.
Respond to internal and external expectations: Upholder
Respond to internal but not to external expectations: Questioner
Respond to external but not to internal expectations: Obliger
Respond to neither internal nor external expectations: Rebel
With this book, you can answer a simple set of questions, to determine your type. (I am an Upholder.) Then, you can learn about yourself, and by thinking about other people in your life--and perhaps by persuading them to try out the quiz--learn the types of others who you interact with. This book goes into great detail about how to deal with spouses, children, parents, bosses, employees, and any other type of relationship you can think of, depending on their personality type. These explanations go into considerable detail, for all four personality types.
The ideas in this book are simple--almost self-evident--but somehow they sound new and fresh to me. The book is initially fascinating, but after a while becomes quite repetitive. The book's structure lends itself to repetitiveness, and that is what made my interest peter off.
January 5, 2019
How do you handle expectations?
That is the premise for this book (my first by Rubin). Ultimately, Rubin has tagged four tendencies on how each person responds to inner and outer expectations. Those expectations you put on yourself vs those placed on you from someone else (ie work, family, etc.). I am an obliger with an upholder wing. Meaning that I will always do outer expectations, but have a hard time getting things accomplished for myself. I need accountability.
This was a perfect book to start the new year, and one that has been sitting on my coffee table for just over four months. I have a better understanding of what I need to get in gear and to motivate myself to accomplish even those tasks that I don't want to do.
If you've already read this book, what tendency are you?
That is the premise for this book (my first by Rubin). Ultimately, Rubin has tagged four tendencies on how each person responds to inner and outer expectations. Those expectations you put on yourself vs those placed on you from someone else (ie work, family, etc.). I am an obliger with an upholder wing. Meaning that I will always do outer expectations, but have a hard time getting things accomplished for myself. I need accountability.
This was a perfect book to start the new year, and one that has been sitting on my coffee table for just over four months. I have a better understanding of what I need to get in gear and to motivate myself to accomplish even those tasks that I don't want to do.
If you've already read this book, what tendency are you?
September 25, 2017
A very simplistic view, rather poor content, no actual research or evidence is provided for this operation of dividing all mankind in 4 pretty boxes. Sloppy writing also, with parts rehashed from Better than before, the author's previous book. What would you think of somebody who categorizes herself as upholder, and goes on to define 3 other categories, all of whom are missing something (either the ability to answer positively to external motivation, or to internal one, or to both of them) compared to her stellar own one? To me this book looks like a perfect marketing strategy, a case of poor judgement, a loss of time for the intelligent reader and a potential danger for the fragile one. Lots of people react to this supposedly hardwired tendency as if that would be the sign of doom and a justification for all that's gone wrong and will always go wrong in their life, since the author is adamant that one cannot change tendency in the course of her life and even that one displays the same tendency no matter the environment, the relationships, the scale of obligations.
October 4, 2017
I like this author. She has some great ideas for living happier. In this book, she deals with four different personality types: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels.
There was a test at the beginning to figure out which one you are. It wasn't that clear at the end of the test, which one was supposed to be my mother ship.....I still didn't know by the end of the book. But, I did like the understanding she offered when dealing with these different personality types. Overall, this didn't rock my world. I'd recommend this to those who are having difficulty with relationships in their life. They might gain some insight. So, 3 stars.
There was a test at the beginning to figure out which one you are. It wasn't that clear at the end of the test, which one was supposed to be my mother ship.....I still didn't know by the end of the book. But, I did like the understanding she offered when dealing with these different personality types. Overall, this didn't rock my world. I'd recommend this to those who are having difficulty with relationships in their life. They might gain some insight. So, 3 stars.
September 10, 2020
Upholder, Questioner, Obliger or Rebel?
Find out here:
https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/four-t...
Only four types of people? That's reductive or is it? Actually it's four tendencies that people have when it comes to outer and inner expectations. Once I answered the eight questions and got my type and its characteristics, I couldn't dismiss it, because, unfortunately, everything was spot on.
I liked this book, I like Rubin's writing and advice, it's practical, concise and well structured.
Find out here:
https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/four-t...
Only four types of people? That's reductive or is it? Actually it's four tendencies that people have when it comes to outer and inner expectations. Once I answered the eight questions and got my type and its characteristics, I couldn't dismiss it, because, unfortunately, everything was spot on.
I liked this book, I like Rubin's writing and advice, it's practical, concise and well structured.
December 11, 2017
Rubin herself says that she was clerking for a Supreme Court justice when she suddenly decided she wanted to be a writer. Not a researcher. A writer. And it shows she didn’t want to be a researcher. That would be fine, unless you decide to come up with four personality types into which all of humanity can be divided, and then come up with a quiz and write a book based around your “framework,” simply after having a self-described revelatory and insightful conversation with a friend.
No information on the reliability and validity of her quiz, which I assume is because she didn’t bother with pesky things like basic research methods. And the fact that I’m even bringing this up will apparently be explained by the fact that I’m a “questioner,” despite my being a “rebel” according to her own quiz. I was kinda hoping that, after forcing myself to finish this thing, the appendix might contain more info on the methodology and, to be blunt, any indication whatsoever that she didn’t just pull all this out of thin air. No such luck. I can only assume the reason is that it doesn’t exist.
No information on the reliability and validity of her quiz, which I assume is because she didn’t bother with pesky things like basic research methods. And the fact that I’m even bringing this up will apparently be explained by the fact that I’m a “questioner,” despite my being a “rebel” according to her own quiz. I was kinda hoping that, after forcing myself to finish this thing, the appendix might contain more info on the methodology and, to be blunt, any indication whatsoever that she didn’t just pull all this out of thin air. No such luck. I can only assume the reason is that it doesn’t exist.
December 13, 2017
Awful book with no scientific merit. A slap in the face to real researchers. Research 101...what evidence for the reliability and validity?
June 2, 2022
3.5 stars
This was interesting, I could see myself in two of these four tendencies and I could see my husband in the other two LOL
This was interesting, I could see myself in two of these four tendencies and I could see my husband in the other two LOL
Audio book source: Libby
Story Rating: 3.5 stars
Narrators: Gretchen Rubin
Narration Rating: 4 stars
Genre: Non-fiction
Length: 6h 37m
October 13, 2017
This book does not present solid evidence and I would not recommend as an introduction to psychology of personalities. This is a personality-types book: Upholder, Obliger, Questioner, Rebel. The book is a little different than previous Rubin books- Better than Before, Happier at Home, The Happiness Project, Forty Ways to Look at JFK - in that it looks at the psychology of these broad personality types and provides strengths and weaknesses of each. Rubin argues these personalities are nature not nurtured, you are born like this and you die like this. I disagree with this. I think you can learn to motivate yourself and change the way you view expectations, both internal and external, by practicing habits and self-talk.
She defines each personality type well and gives engaging examples of each. Each chapter connects and introduces the next consistently.
I think the language is clear.
I do not think the concept is convincing and it may be because I have read other books that are somewhat similar and offer more flexibility to each personality type.
I don't know how much research went into this personality theory because the Notes section in the back were somewhat sparse and did not include super important information. She also has a degree in law, I have not read anywhere she has a degree in Psychology. She does have a weekly podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin, she discusses good habits and happiness with her sister Elizabeth Craft. That said, I don't know how much of an personality expert she is. She didn't give more than anecdotes and stories as examples.
My least favorite example was in the Rebel personality. She mentions an NY Times article about "patters of marriage, housework, and earning" and that "'wives who earn more also do significantly more housework and child care than their husbands do, perhaps to make their husbands feel less threatened, the economist said.'... But maybe it occurs to me, these men are Rebels who aren't bothered by the social convention that they should earn more than their wives --and, in the Rebel way, they don't feel much inclination to help out by doing boring, routine chores around the house, either. It's not a matter of masculinity, it's a matter of Tendency."
I do not like how easily she excuses that type of male behavior as a tendency. That dude sounds extra lazy to me and if I were his wife I would tell him to shape up or get out. It also reminded me of the Chapter on Marriage in her Happiness project, were her husband is taking care of their baby one morning and he says something like,"you're welcome, I let you sleep in." Instead of discussing with him his role as a partner, she says, "Thank you." It was so nice of him to LET her sleep in. The way she views male roles in relationships is nearly problematic for me in her writing sometimes.
Overall, nothing insightful in this book and her theory is not well-supported. Fans of Rubin will still enjoy this book.
She defines each personality type well and gives engaging examples of each. Each chapter connects and introduces the next consistently.
I think the language is clear.
I do not think the concept is convincing and it may be because I have read other books that are somewhat similar and offer more flexibility to each personality type.
I don't know how much research went into this personality theory because the Notes section in the back were somewhat sparse and did not include super important information. She also has a degree in law, I have not read anywhere she has a degree in Psychology. She does have a weekly podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin, she discusses good habits and happiness with her sister Elizabeth Craft. That said, I don't know how much of an personality expert she is. She didn't give more than anecdotes and stories as examples.
My least favorite example was in the Rebel personality. She mentions an NY Times article about "patters of marriage, housework, and earning" and that "'wives who earn more also do significantly more housework and child care than their husbands do, perhaps to make their husbands feel less threatened, the economist said.'... But maybe it occurs to me, these men are Rebels who aren't bothered by the social convention that they should earn more than their wives --and, in the Rebel way, they don't feel much inclination to help out by doing boring, routine chores around the house, either. It's not a matter of masculinity, it's a matter of Tendency."
I do not like how easily she excuses that type of male behavior as a tendency. That dude sounds extra lazy to me and if I were his wife I would tell him to shape up or get out. It also reminded me of the Chapter on Marriage in her Happiness project, were her husband is taking care of their baby one morning and he says something like,"you're welcome, I let you sleep in." Instead of discussing with him his role as a partner, she says, "Thank you." It was so nice of him to LET her sleep in. The way she views male roles in relationships is nearly problematic for me in her writing sometimes.
Overall, nothing insightful in this book and her theory is not well-supported. Fans of Rubin will still enjoy this book.
March 9, 2018
This book was terrible for so many reasons. I could write an entire thesis on everything that’s wrong with it, but this is a review website so I’ll just list a few of the things I had issues with.
1. The writing itself was terrible. It felt like she only had enough to say to fill about 25-30 pages, so she spent the rest of the time repeating things she’s already said. She also contradicted herself on numerous occasions, thereby further destroying her credibility. This credibility was already on shaky ground due to the fact that she has no credentials to say the things she does. She’s a lawyer turned author who noticed “tendencies” in the people around her (I repeat, THE PEOPLE AROUND HER), decided that all mankind fits into one of these four spurious categories, and then made a quiz, an app, a book deal, and a ton of money off of it. She had no scientific training and her data is biased by the fact that the questions on the quiz are excessively basic, short, and skewed and the conclusions drawn can therefore not be trusted in a scientific manner, as they were not tested in a scientific fashion. The book is written with a strong leaning towards the author’s own “Upholder” tendency, with blatant condescension toward the other three. Even within the “Additional Materials” chapter, there is nothing except her podcast, and her app, thereby leading me to believe that even she knows she just made this stuff up, and that it has no basis in reality.
2. Gretchen Rubin says that every single human on God’s green earth fits into one of these for categories and that THEY CANNOT CHANGE. I take issue with that for a number of reasons. To say that people cannot change their tendency, the personality or their habits is a lie. It happens all the time. We change based on situations, circumstances, and age. I was categorized as an “Obliger” on her quiz. And then I read the chapter on it. I am nothing like that chapter. I am not helpless, insipid, and incapable of motivating myself to do something. I don’t need other people to hold me accountable. I have no problem meeting “inner expectations.” The basic questions on that quiz (“Are you a people pleaser? How do you feel about New Years Resolutions? Etc...”) have led her to categorize most of mankind as Obligers. Every example she gives (of each of these tendencies) seems to be about the most extreme behaviors, most of which would result in the person in question being in severe danger of being slapped by people around them for not knowing how to act like a reasoning, thinking, functioning adult. I was left thinking that each example in each tendency needed to be in some sort of medication to assist with their emotional and behavioral issues.
3. I take issue with the fact that she arbitrarily lists film and literary characters as shining examples of these tendencies. This further impresses upon the reader that there is a complete lack of any actual psychological study going on. The characters haven’t taken these quizzes. She’s so excited about this idea of hers that she sees it wherever she goes. At one point she references Jane Eyre as a Questioner, simply because Jane’s aunt says to her in the beginning “Jane, I don’t like cavillers or questioners.” As a devoted Jane Eyre fan, I can tell you that “Questioner” would NOT be her tendency. Read the book. You’ll see. Same things Hermione, the poster child for the “Upholder tendency.” Bilge. Hermione breaks rules frequently as long as she feels on solid ground when she does so, and she will only do what she’s told as long as SHE can see that it’s right. Which makes her a Questioner. Then when she uses examples of real people, they’re so ludicrous that you wonder if she just made them up. “An Obliger said this...” “A Rebel friend told me...” “I got a letter from and Upholder manager and they said...” Never are we given names. Never are we given any proof that she’s tweaked or adjusted her original theory to allow for further research. Never do we get the sense that she ever checks up on herself, or that there is any room for error. She never even lists any of the negative responses she’s gotten, and I know she’s gotten them, because I’ve seen them in her podcast comment section.
4. Finally, and most importantly, the advice in this book is terrible. It should not be followed. Why? Because the advice is basically that other people around you need to cater to whatever tendency you have. If you are a manager, you should spend your time making sure that you know the tendency of each of your employees, and catering to it, while also catering to your own. There is no actual sense of personal accountability here. People don’t have to take responsibility for themselves and their behavior because “that’s just how they are.” Nonsense. She gave the example of mayor who told people in NY to evacuate due to a hurricane. Not everyone did and lives were lost. She actually says that had the mayor taken tendencies into account he could have provided information in four different ways to suit said four different tendencies. To which I say, if you’ve been told to evacuate a place for your own and others safety, and you choose to stay, that’s on you. You were told. People do not have the time to mollycoddle others based of Gretchen Rubin’s spurious tendencies. Another example was of a Rebel child who wanted to drop out of school because she felt it was restrictive. Her parents allowed it. Within a short amount of time the girl decided to go back and the school decided to cater to her needs, the needs of a spoiled brat. Again, this has the potential to cause so many problems. Most schools will not react that way, nor should they. Most children won’t decide to go back, because they’ll like the freedom of having made that choice. And if they are unable to pass the notoriously difficult GED exams, what then? Where are we then? At times there are blatant mistruths. She mentions a military Rebel, who says that he was able to attain rank while breaking all the rules he wanted. I call BS. I come from a military family and I know they do NOT allow insubordination. They can’t afford to because that could cost the lives of other soldiers. Breaking rules in the military gets you dishonorably discharged or worse. Ask any military person. You obey your commanding officers or you pay the penalty.
Her advice in child rearing seems to be (as with everything else) “cater to the child’s tendency.” Every child I have ever known (and I come from a large family and also taught for years) is every single one of these tendencies, frequently all at once. They question everything, follow the rules, want to please everybody, and don’t like to be told what to do. Oh wait, that’s also called being human. We are ALL that way. Doctors won’t even start testing children for behavioral or mental disorder until after the age of 5, so where does she get off labeling these children for life, while ignoring any evidence that will/can/does prove that she’s wrong. Her statements are contradictory. “This is what you are, except not completely because these tendencies are affected by other personality traits.” “This is who your tendency should pair up with, except that it really doesn’t matter because all of these tendencies can work together.” She’s condescending and rude to the other tendencies.
Upholder - Perfect and desirable and rare
Questioner - Crackpot (yes she actually says this)
Obliger - Can’t do anything without help (“YOU MUST HAVE EXTERNAL ACCOUNTABILITY TO SUCCED WITH INNER EXPECTATIONS. If you can find someone to do it for you hire someone or join an accountability group.”)
Rebel - Bullheaded to to point of blatant stupidity (“You’re not the boss of me. You can’t make me. Even if my health is at risk, I won’t do what you say because I resist ANY AND ALL ATTEMPTS at being told anything.”
This book is a HUGE waste of time and basically serves as justification for any sort of ignorant, selfish behavior anyone wants to display. Sorry for the lengthy review. And I’m not even a Questioner.....
1. The writing itself was terrible. It felt like she only had enough to say to fill about 25-30 pages, so she spent the rest of the time repeating things she’s already said. She also contradicted herself on numerous occasions, thereby further destroying her credibility. This credibility was already on shaky ground due to the fact that she has no credentials to say the things she does. She’s a lawyer turned author who noticed “tendencies” in the people around her (I repeat, THE PEOPLE AROUND HER), decided that all mankind fits into one of these four spurious categories, and then made a quiz, an app, a book deal, and a ton of money off of it. She had no scientific training and her data is biased by the fact that the questions on the quiz are excessively basic, short, and skewed and the conclusions drawn can therefore not be trusted in a scientific manner, as they were not tested in a scientific fashion. The book is written with a strong leaning towards the author’s own “Upholder” tendency, with blatant condescension toward the other three. Even within the “Additional Materials” chapter, there is nothing except her podcast, and her app, thereby leading me to believe that even she knows she just made this stuff up, and that it has no basis in reality.
2. Gretchen Rubin says that every single human on God’s green earth fits into one of these for categories and that THEY CANNOT CHANGE. I take issue with that for a number of reasons. To say that people cannot change their tendency, the personality or their habits is a lie. It happens all the time. We change based on situations, circumstances, and age. I was categorized as an “Obliger” on her quiz. And then I read the chapter on it. I am nothing like that chapter. I am not helpless, insipid, and incapable of motivating myself to do something. I don’t need other people to hold me accountable. I have no problem meeting “inner expectations.” The basic questions on that quiz (“Are you a people pleaser? How do you feel about New Years Resolutions? Etc...”) have led her to categorize most of mankind as Obligers. Every example she gives (of each of these tendencies) seems to be about the most extreme behaviors, most of which would result in the person in question being in severe danger of being slapped by people around them for not knowing how to act like a reasoning, thinking, functioning adult. I was left thinking that each example in each tendency needed to be in some sort of medication to assist with their emotional and behavioral issues.
3. I take issue with the fact that she arbitrarily lists film and literary characters as shining examples of these tendencies. This further impresses upon the reader that there is a complete lack of any actual psychological study going on. The characters haven’t taken these quizzes. She’s so excited about this idea of hers that she sees it wherever she goes. At one point she references Jane Eyre as a Questioner, simply because Jane’s aunt says to her in the beginning “Jane, I don’t like cavillers or questioners.” As a devoted Jane Eyre fan, I can tell you that “Questioner” would NOT be her tendency. Read the book. You’ll see. Same things Hermione, the poster child for the “Upholder tendency.” Bilge. Hermione breaks rules frequently as long as she feels on solid ground when she does so, and she will only do what she’s told as long as SHE can see that it’s right. Which makes her a Questioner. Then when she uses examples of real people, they’re so ludicrous that you wonder if she just made them up. “An Obliger said this...” “A Rebel friend told me...” “I got a letter from and Upholder manager and they said...” Never are we given names. Never are we given any proof that she’s tweaked or adjusted her original theory to allow for further research. Never do we get the sense that she ever checks up on herself, or that there is any room for error. She never even lists any of the negative responses she’s gotten, and I know she’s gotten them, because I’ve seen them in her podcast comment section.
4. Finally, and most importantly, the advice in this book is terrible. It should not be followed. Why? Because the advice is basically that other people around you need to cater to whatever tendency you have. If you are a manager, you should spend your time making sure that you know the tendency of each of your employees, and catering to it, while also catering to your own. There is no actual sense of personal accountability here. People don’t have to take responsibility for themselves and their behavior because “that’s just how they are.” Nonsense. She gave the example of mayor who told people in NY to evacuate due to a hurricane. Not everyone did and lives were lost. She actually says that had the mayor taken tendencies into account he could have provided information in four different ways to suit said four different tendencies. To which I say, if you’ve been told to evacuate a place for your own and others safety, and you choose to stay, that’s on you. You were told. People do not have the time to mollycoddle others based of Gretchen Rubin’s spurious tendencies. Another example was of a Rebel child who wanted to drop out of school because she felt it was restrictive. Her parents allowed it. Within a short amount of time the girl decided to go back and the school decided to cater to her needs, the needs of a spoiled brat. Again, this has the potential to cause so many problems. Most schools will not react that way, nor should they. Most children won’t decide to go back, because they’ll like the freedom of having made that choice. And if they are unable to pass the notoriously difficult GED exams, what then? Where are we then? At times there are blatant mistruths. She mentions a military Rebel, who says that he was able to attain rank while breaking all the rules he wanted. I call BS. I come from a military family and I know they do NOT allow insubordination. They can’t afford to because that could cost the lives of other soldiers. Breaking rules in the military gets you dishonorably discharged or worse. Ask any military person. You obey your commanding officers or you pay the penalty.
Her advice in child rearing seems to be (as with everything else) “cater to the child’s tendency.” Every child I have ever known (and I come from a large family and also taught for years) is every single one of these tendencies, frequently all at once. They question everything, follow the rules, want to please everybody, and don’t like to be told what to do. Oh wait, that’s also called being human. We are ALL that way. Doctors won’t even start testing children for behavioral or mental disorder until after the age of 5, so where does she get off labeling these children for life, while ignoring any evidence that will/can/does prove that she’s wrong. Her statements are contradictory. “This is what you are, except not completely because these tendencies are affected by other personality traits.” “This is who your tendency should pair up with, except that it really doesn’t matter because all of these tendencies can work together.” She’s condescending and rude to the other tendencies.
Upholder - Perfect and desirable and rare
Questioner - Crackpot (yes she actually says this)
Obliger - Can’t do anything without help (“YOU MUST HAVE EXTERNAL ACCOUNTABILITY TO SUCCED WITH INNER EXPECTATIONS. If you can find someone to do it for you hire someone or join an accountability group.”)
Rebel - Bullheaded to to point of blatant stupidity (“You’re not the boss of me. You can’t make me. Even if my health is at risk, I won’t do what you say because I resist ANY AND ALL ATTEMPTS at being told anything.”
This book is a HUGE waste of time and basically serves as justification for any sort of ignorant, selfish behavior anyone wants to display. Sorry for the lengthy review. And I’m not even a Questioner.....
Read
January 30, 2023You know I love a good personality book, right? Gretchen is best known for her work researching habits and happiness. In the course of that research, she noticed that different people had drastically different responses to the question "How do I respond to expectations?" She compiled what she's learned here—that people fit into one of Four Tendencies based on how they respond to inner and outer expectations. I read Gretchen's blog and follow her podcast, but it wasn't until I read the information in book form that I felt like I really got it and could categorize myself correctly. (Upholder, right here, but you may be a Questioner, Obliger, or Rebel).
It was a real treat to have Gretchen on the podcast when this book released. Listen to our conversation in What Should I Read Next #102: A new way to think about fictional.
It was a real treat to have Gretchen on the podcast when this book released. Listen to our conversation in What Should I Read Next #102: A new way to think about fictional.
September 22, 2017
If you're not at all familiar with Gretchen Rubin's theory of the Four Tendencies, then this book is a great entry point to her framework for how people respond to inner and outer expectations. I am a big fan of Gretchen's and I've read her previous books on happiness and habits, plus I listen to her podcast (and her sister's podcast) and I get her email updates and read her blog. So I already felt pretty immersed in the Four Tendencies before I read the book, and the book did not deepen my understanding of it significantly. It was still a good, quick read, but it felt a little hasty.
Her book The Happiness Project was very in-depth and probably took a significant amount of time for her to research and write. Its follow-on, Happier at Home, felt a little lighter and sketchier to me, without as many new insights. But then Better than Before, her book about habits (which is where she first touched on her idea of this personality framework), went deeper and added a lot to my own thinking about habits and habit formation. So maybe it's like an every-other-book situation, where the follow-on books get short shrift and are rushed to press -- or it may be that with her having such a strong media and social media presence, she shares many of her ideas in advance of the book, so that when the book is out it feels somewhat redundant to those of us who are devoted fans. The other thing is that it feels a little bit didactic -- she has a very strong viewpoint (that these tendencies are not changeable and that a person cannot be more than one tendency) which is fine, and I agree with a lot of her observations but I can't say I am absolutely 100% certain (as she is) that we can all be put into these four buckets.
All that said, I will keep this book and probably will come back to it in the future (as I have with The Happiness Project and Better than Before) -- it's still a solid resource even if I felt that much of the material was already familiar. And to anyone who isn't immersed in her other work, it will likely feel fresh and enlightening. So, worthwhile and good, just didn't give me the a-ha! moments I had when I read the earlier books.
Her book The Happiness Project was very in-depth and probably took a significant amount of time for her to research and write. Its follow-on, Happier at Home, felt a little lighter and sketchier to me, without as many new insights. But then Better than Before, her book about habits (which is where she first touched on her idea of this personality framework), went deeper and added a lot to my own thinking about habits and habit formation. So maybe it's like an every-other-book situation, where the follow-on books get short shrift and are rushed to press -- or it may be that with her having such a strong media and social media presence, she shares many of her ideas in advance of the book, so that when the book is out it feels somewhat redundant to those of us who are devoted fans. The other thing is that it feels a little bit didactic -- she has a very strong viewpoint (that these tendencies are not changeable and that a person cannot be more than one tendency) which is fine, and I agree with a lot of her observations but I can't say I am absolutely 100% certain (as she is) that we can all be put into these four buckets.
All that said, I will keep this book and probably will come back to it in the future (as I have with The Happiness Project and Better than Before) -- it's still a solid resource even if I felt that much of the material was already familiar. And to anyone who isn't immersed in her other work, it will likely feel fresh and enlightening. So, worthwhile and good, just didn't give me the a-ha! moments I had when I read the earlier books.
September 24, 2017
LOVED this book!!!
I'm a Gretchen Rubin super fan. I've read all her books & listen to her podcast. I was also lucky enough to meet her on the book tour for this book in September 2017. Thanks to the awesome independent bookstore Warwick's in La Jolla.
Gretchen briefly introduced the Four Tendencies in her previous book about habits, BETTER THAN BEFORE. This book takes it to a new level and explains each tendency in detail, analyzes the pros and cons, how the tendencies work together and how to deal with people based on their tendency.
I listened to the audio narrated by Gretchen herself. She is a great speaker and the audio was well done.
This book is so helpful to identify things that I'm doing in my own life and also to figure out why other people do things. I'm an Obliger married to a Questioner and now I finally understand his need to research everything to death and why he answers my questions with questions. I also can relate better with my Upholder & Rebel friends. Honestly, I've been using this framework in all facets of my life and I'm sure my family, friends and coworkers are tired of hearing about it... but I'll never get tired of talking about it! I'll definitely be re-reading this one.
[Audio: 6 hours, 42 minutes]
I'm a Gretchen Rubin super fan. I've read all her books & listen to her podcast. I was also lucky enough to meet her on the book tour for this book in September 2017. Thanks to the awesome independent bookstore Warwick's in La Jolla.
Gretchen briefly introduced the Four Tendencies in her previous book about habits, BETTER THAN BEFORE. This book takes it to a new level and explains each tendency in detail, analyzes the pros and cons, how the tendencies work together and how to deal with people based on their tendency.
I listened to the audio narrated by Gretchen herself. She is a great speaker and the audio was well done.
This book is so helpful to identify things that I'm doing in my own life and also to figure out why other people do things. I'm an Obliger married to a Questioner and now I finally understand his need to research everything to death and why he answers my questions with questions. I also can relate better with my Upholder & Rebel friends. Honestly, I've been using this framework in all facets of my life and I'm sure my family, friends and coworkers are tired of hearing about it... but I'll never get tired of talking about it! I'll definitely be re-reading this one.
[Audio: 6 hours, 42 minutes]
August 9, 2017
I snagged an ARC from my job at a public library. I knew a little bit about the four Tendencies before starting this book—mostly, that I am totally an Upholder—but not too much. I mostly enjoyed this book and the way it helps us both define others and give tips for living, working, and playing with them. Some of the examples didn't resonate with me, but overall, this is a good book for anyone who wants to know more about themselves and how to get the best out of themselves and others.
Read
May 27, 2018I have loved reading Gretchen Rubin's books each time, but when she published her habit book, I questioned everything. So I put reading this one off, since it came out of that book. And when I discovered I am a questioner, suddenly everything made sense.
Like literally every personality theory, this is just that: a theory. This is a really useful framework for thinking about why some people are so motivated to do things they do and don't like while others resist any and all things set before them. It's not about being difficult; it's about the way we process or don't process the situations in our lives.
Me: I question everything until I can find a justification for it. This serves me really well, in that I'm internally motivated but find external expectations worth questioning or considering. It sometimes does get utterly frustrating in my own mind, and I suspect, to those who don't have this same need to consider and justify everything. There's a great example in the book about a meeting where there's a sign that says "no cellphones." What do you do when someone pulls out a cell phone? My gut reaction is "ugh" because we live in a culture where we can't disconnect, but then I begin considering all the reasons they might be doing it -- an emergency text, a kid needing a question answered, sheer boredom at whatever the meeting is about, a means of taking notes at the meeting, etc. Living in my mind gets exhausting for this, which Rubin points out, but at the same time, it's satisfying to have a mind that allows for seeing ten thousand ways around something. Also, it's nice to decide not to do something because I don't think it's worth my time or effort. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It's a practical and enjoyable read that lends itself to pausing and considering how and why people act -- or don't act -- as they do. I liked, too, thinking about how to communicate information to those across all tendencies to help them navigate choices and decisions for themselves.
I also walked away knowing why I hated her Habit book so much. I questioned every damn thing she did or suggested because it didn't make sense to me (and also, she was judgmental as hell, but that comes from HER tendency to be that way and it has no bearing on how she considers what people do or don't do for themselves).
My only real criticism is she sometimes uses language that could have been better thought through. "Crackpot" is a funny word, but it doesn't REALLY describe the tendency for Questioners like me to become paranoid/be really damn dedicated to a decision, whether or not it's a logical one.
Like literally every personality theory, this is just that: a theory. This is a really useful framework for thinking about why some people are so motivated to do things they do and don't like while others resist any and all things set before them. It's not about being difficult; it's about the way we process or don't process the situations in our lives.
Me: I question everything until I can find a justification for it. This serves me really well, in that I'm internally motivated but find external expectations worth questioning or considering. It sometimes does get utterly frustrating in my own mind, and I suspect, to those who don't have this same need to consider and justify everything. There's a great example in the book about a meeting where there's a sign that says "no cellphones." What do you do when someone pulls out a cell phone? My gut reaction is "ugh" because we live in a culture where we can't disconnect, but then I begin considering all the reasons they might be doing it -- an emergency text, a kid needing a question answered, sheer boredom at whatever the meeting is about, a means of taking notes at the meeting, etc. Living in my mind gets exhausting for this, which Rubin points out, but at the same time, it's satisfying to have a mind that allows for seeing ten thousand ways around something. Also, it's nice to decide not to do something because I don't think it's worth my time or effort. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It's a practical and enjoyable read that lends itself to pausing and considering how and why people act -- or don't act -- as they do. I liked, too, thinking about how to communicate information to those across all tendencies to help them navigate choices and decisions for themselves.
I also walked away knowing why I hated her Habit book so much. I questioned every damn thing she did or suggested because it didn't make sense to me (and also, she was judgmental as hell, but that comes from HER tendency to be that way and it has no bearing on how she considers what people do or don't do for themselves).
My only real criticism is she sometimes uses language that could have been better thought through. "Crackpot" is a funny word, but it doesn't REALLY describe the tendency for Questioners like me to become paranoid/be really damn dedicated to a decision, whether or not it's a logical one.
May 15, 2018
I really liked this. I read it for my "learning time" at work and have been recommending it to my coworkers. ("Learning time" is a thing at my work in general--it's a library, after all!--and our new department goal is for each of us to get 24 hours of it a quarter. It finally occurred to me I could read for it!)
I've always had fun with personality quizzes and have spent hours of my life reading about my MBTI type (INTJ!), but this one was so great about learning about OTHER people. The idea here is your "tendency" has to do with whether you're motivated by and/or reject both "internal" and "external" expectations. I'm a Questioner, which means I'm motivated by internal expectations and reject the external ones. At first, I objected to that, but once I understood it more, yes! Actually, that sentence is probably a perfect explanation of a Questioner. I need to UNDERSTAND expectations and they need to make sense to me, so, essentially, I turn all expectations in internal ones.
Anyway, the real value here is that ongoing lesson that, "Other people aren't like me!" It makes me understand so much better where me and my coworker (hi Tracy :)) are coming from when we "fight" over work stuff.
I will probably buy this at some point.
I've always had fun with personality quizzes and have spent hours of my life reading about my MBTI type (INTJ!), but this one was so great about learning about OTHER people. The idea here is your "tendency" has to do with whether you're motivated by and/or reject both "internal" and "external" expectations. I'm a Questioner, which means I'm motivated by internal expectations and reject the external ones. At first, I objected to that, but once I understood it more, yes! Actually, that sentence is probably a perfect explanation of a Questioner. I need to UNDERSTAND expectations and they need to make sense to me, so, essentially, I turn all expectations in internal ones.
Anyway, the real value here is that ongoing lesson that, "Other people aren't like me!" It makes me understand so much better where me and my coworker (hi Tracy :)) are coming from when we "fight" over work stuff.
I will probably buy this at some point.
October 10, 2018
There are two kinds of people: those who divide people into categories and those who don't. ;)
I generally enjoy Rubin's writing but this one wasn't terribly revelatory for me. I'm still not sure if I'm an Obliger with a Rebel streak, or an weird Obliger / Questioner hybrid (which does not exist in the book). But I get that this formula might work for some people.
I generally enjoy Rubin's writing but this one wasn't terribly revelatory for me. I'm still not sure if I'm an Obliger with a Rebel streak, or an weird Obliger / Questioner hybrid (which does not exist in the book). But I get that this formula might work for some people.
February 25, 2019
After reading Rubin’s Better than Before, I was convinced that I was an Upholder (and my husband an Obliger). But from skimming through this I see that I am in that overlapping space between an Upholder and an Obliger, and I can feel myself edging ever closer to Obliger tendencies the longer I’ve been a freelancer: why bother showering if I’m not going to see any human beings today? I’ll only be ignored or rejected, so why try pitching that article idea? Unless I pay for a set of exercise classes in advance, I know I won’t ever get myself to do any exercise, etc.
This is interesting for exploring personality types and how it affects people’s work performance and relationships. Rubin has some useful tips for how you should phrase signs and requests to get people of different tendencies to you (and especially Rebels and Questioners) to do what you want. It can be a matter of providing the right information, explaining potential consequences, but then leaving it up to personal choice.
This is interesting for exploring personality types and how it affects people’s work performance and relationships. Rubin has some useful tips for how you should phrase signs and requests to get people of different tendencies to you (and especially Rebels and Questioners) to do what you want. It can be a matter of providing the right information, explaining potential consequences, but then leaving it up to personal choice.
January 13, 2020
Seriously underbaked, poorly organized, drastically oversimplified claptrap from a person who hails herself as one of the "foremost thinkers on human nature" (human!!nature!!!) yet has literally no qualifications, expertise, or social scientific background. There are perhaps ten citations in this entire book, which nonetheless makes sweeping claims about being able to diagnose all of humanity (ALL OF HUMANITY!!!) including fictional characters and historical figures. Maybe if this were a medium-length article on an in-flight magazine it might be worth reading. There is a kernel of insight here, and I think it mainly has to do not with Gretchen Rubin's somehow unique ability to classify everyone on the planet (impressive!) but perhaps with the way we conceive of our own innate orientations towards self and others. That's the reason for the second star, but, I assure you, you're fine to skip this one.
January 26, 2018
I hesitated about how to categorise this book: the word ‘self-help’ has always made me cringe, and somehow the word ‘psychology’ seems too academic. Many people will describe it as yet another personality test-cum-self-knowledge-cum-positive change type of books, and it is that for sure - but the ‘label’ is a bit unwieldy! Some people love the reductive personality tests, while others don’t find them credible or useful at all. I will say this: the paradigm in this book works for me. I tend to avoid ‘self-help’ books because I find them both gimmicky and annoyingly repetitive to read, but this book yielded some real insights for me.
Author Gretchen Rubin, who is well-known for her Happiness Project, has pinpointed one important trait (or pattern or ‘tendency’) and used it to define some basic behavioural differences: it’s about how we meet expectations. Are we more concerned with (or motivated by) our own internal expectations or external (ie, other people’s) expectations? There are four tendencies: Upholder (both internal and external), Rebel (neither internal nor external), Questioner (internal, but not external) and Obliger (external, but not internal). The Rebel and Upholder are opposite ends of the spectrum, while the Questioner or Obliger overlap with each of these. In practical terms, you may be entirely one type - or you may be predominately one type with leanings towards another type. I’m an Upholder, but I definitely can have Obliger leanings - and these have become more pronounced with age (as I’ve become a wife and mother), and are also more pronounced with certain people.
One of the things I like about this paradigm, and the questions that go along with it, is its simplicity. In many personality quizzes, I hesitate over my answers - thinking that both options can be true. With this quiz, I felt that I was very clearly inclined (or not inclined) one way or another. I also like the fact that Rubin clearly explains not just the ‘strengths’ and ‘weaknesses’ of each tendency, but also the best strategies for playing to those strengths and overcoming those weaknesses. For me, the biggest revelation of the book was my realisation that my husband is a Rebel - a tendency that doesn’t go particularly well with an Upholder. It explained so much. For instance, I finally understood why my husband never likes to pin down plans until the last minute - he used to wait and pack for business trips until the taxi had actually arrived - and always wants to keep his options open. It made sense (finally) why he had so much trouble getting along with bosses, and couldn’t manage to stay in any job that didn’t give him a lot of autonomy and decision making. It also explained why he was so perverse and contrary, and why he would not fulfill requests that I made of him. It even explained his attitude about taking care of his health condition (diabetes). I wish that I had read this book years ago, because it gives some really good suggestions for dealing with personalities which are so different from one’s own. It also helped me to see that just as I cannot help liking things ‘just so’, my husband cannot help being what I like to think of as ‘ornery’.
I reviewed this book for my Bookstagram account and it struck me that even people’s attitudes to reading could be described by the four personality types. Some people love to read books (especially difficult classics) in a group, because otherwise they aren’t motivated to finish them - an Obliger trait. Some people hate any kind of reading goal, hate to read the latest bestseller or what everyone else is raving about, and delight in disliking the books which others seem to love (Rebel). Readers who are Questioners as their predominant tendency are unlikely to reach for comfort books; they tend to like the books which really make them think. Upholders tend to be disciplined readers, and stick to their reading goals, but they also want to read according to their own mood or needs and not just follow group reads.
I’ve thought so much about this book since I finished it - and cannot stop talking about it, or wanting to share it with my friends and family. Thanks so much to Crown Publishing for sending me a free copy of it.
Author Gretchen Rubin, who is well-known for her Happiness Project, has pinpointed one important trait (or pattern or ‘tendency’) and used it to define some basic behavioural differences: it’s about how we meet expectations. Are we more concerned with (or motivated by) our own internal expectations or external (ie, other people’s) expectations? There are four tendencies: Upholder (both internal and external), Rebel (neither internal nor external), Questioner (internal, but not external) and Obliger (external, but not internal). The Rebel and Upholder are opposite ends of the spectrum, while the Questioner or Obliger overlap with each of these. In practical terms, you may be entirely one type - or you may be predominately one type with leanings towards another type. I’m an Upholder, but I definitely can have Obliger leanings - and these have become more pronounced with age (as I’ve become a wife and mother), and are also more pronounced with certain people.
One of the things I like about this paradigm, and the questions that go along with it, is its simplicity. In many personality quizzes, I hesitate over my answers - thinking that both options can be true. With this quiz, I felt that I was very clearly inclined (or not inclined) one way or another. I also like the fact that Rubin clearly explains not just the ‘strengths’ and ‘weaknesses’ of each tendency, but also the best strategies for playing to those strengths and overcoming those weaknesses. For me, the biggest revelation of the book was my realisation that my husband is a Rebel - a tendency that doesn’t go particularly well with an Upholder. It explained so much. For instance, I finally understood why my husband never likes to pin down plans until the last minute - he used to wait and pack for business trips until the taxi had actually arrived - and always wants to keep his options open. It made sense (finally) why he had so much trouble getting along with bosses, and couldn’t manage to stay in any job that didn’t give him a lot of autonomy and decision making. It also explained why he was so perverse and contrary, and why he would not fulfill requests that I made of him. It even explained his attitude about taking care of his health condition (diabetes). I wish that I had read this book years ago, because it gives some really good suggestions for dealing with personalities which are so different from one’s own. It also helped me to see that just as I cannot help liking things ‘just so’, my husband cannot help being what I like to think of as ‘ornery’.
I reviewed this book for my Bookstagram account and it struck me that even people’s attitudes to reading could be described by the four personality types. Some people love to read books (especially difficult classics) in a group, because otherwise they aren’t motivated to finish them - an Obliger trait. Some people hate any kind of reading goal, hate to read the latest bestseller or what everyone else is raving about, and delight in disliking the books which others seem to love (Rebel). Readers who are Questioners as their predominant tendency are unlikely to reach for comfort books; they tend to like the books which really make them think. Upholders tend to be disciplined readers, and stick to their reading goals, but they also want to read according to their own mood or needs and not just follow group reads.
I’ve thought so much about this book since I finished it - and cannot stop talking about it, or wanting to share it with my friends and family. Thanks so much to Crown Publishing for sending me a free copy of it.
May 11, 2020
The conversational way she writes made this much more interesting to read.
This was a less clinical format than most personality books which made it less tedious to read.
She interjected personalized stories and feedback from users which gave it a warmer aspect.
I didn't find anything groundbreaking or new in it but it's a quick read with some humor thrown in.
***********ARC FROM GIVEAWAY***********
This was a less clinical format than most personality books which made it less tedious to read.
She interjected personalized stories and feedback from users which gave it a warmer aspect.
I didn't find anything groundbreaking or new in it but it's a quick read with some humor thrown in.
***********ARC FROM GIVEAWAY***********
October 1, 2017
Enjoyable, and informative. Not totally groundbreaking if you're familiar with Rubin's work, but I'd still recommend it.
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