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Mate: Become the Man Women Want
The #1 bestselling pioneer of "fratire" and a leading evolutionary psychologist team up to create the dating book for guys.
Whether they conducted their research in life or in the lab, experts Tucker Max and Dr. Geoffrey Miller have spent the last 20+ years learning what women really want from their men, why they want it, and how men can deliver those qualities.
The short become the best version of yourself possible, then show it off. It sounds simple, but it's not. If it were, Tinder would just be the stuff you use to start a fire. Becoming your best self requires honesty, self-awareness, hard work and a little help.
Through their website and podcasts, Max and Miller have already helped over one million guys take their first steps toward Ms. Right. They have collected all of their findings in Mate , an evidence-driven, seriously funny playbook that will teach you to become a more sexually attractive and romantically successful man, the right No "seduction techniques," No moralizing, No bullshit. Just honest, straightforward talk about the most ethical, effective way to pursue the win-win relationships you want with the women who are best for you.
Much of what they've discovered will surprise you, some of it will not, but all of it is important and often misunderstood. So listen up, and stop being stupid!
Whether they conducted their research in life or in the lab, experts Tucker Max and Dr. Geoffrey Miller have spent the last 20+ years learning what women really want from their men, why they want it, and how men can deliver those qualities.
The short become the best version of yourself possible, then show it off. It sounds simple, but it's not. If it were, Tinder would just be the stuff you use to start a fire. Becoming your best self requires honesty, self-awareness, hard work and a little help.
Through their website and podcasts, Max and Miller have already helped over one million guys take their first steps toward Ms. Right. They have collected all of their findings in Mate , an evidence-driven, seriously funny playbook that will teach you to become a more sexually attractive and romantically successful man, the right No "seduction techniques," No moralizing, No bullshit. Just honest, straightforward talk about the most ethical, effective way to pursue the win-win relationships you want with the women who are best for you.
Much of what they've discovered will surprise you, some of it will not, but all of it is important and often misunderstood. So listen up, and stop being stupid!
375 pages, Hardcover
First published September 15, 2015
About the author
Tucker Max
13 books900 followersTucker Max's first book I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, is a #1 New York Times Best Seller, spent five years on the list, and has over 2 million copies in print. His second book, Assholes Finish First, and his third book, Hilarity Ensues, are also NY Times Best Sellers. He co-wrote and produced the movie based on his life/book, also titled “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell.” He has also been credited with being the originator and leader of a new literary genre, “fratire,” is only the third writer (after Malcolm Gladwell and Michael Lewis) to ever have three books on the NY Times Nonfiction Best Seller List at one time, and was nominated to the Time Magazine 100 Most Influential List in 2009.
Tucker Max received his BA from the University of Chicago in 1998, and his JD from Duke Law School in 2001. He even attended Duke Law School on an academic scholarship, where he neglected to buy any of his textbooks for his final two years and spent part of one semester–while still enrolled in classes–living in Cancun. He currently lives in Austin, Texas.
Tucker Max received his BA from the University of Chicago in 1998, and his JD from Duke Law School in 2001. He even attended Duke Law School on an academic scholarship, where he neglected to buy any of his textbooks for his final two years and spent part of one semester–while still enrolled in classes–living in Cancun. He currently lives in Austin, Texas.
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February 9, 2017
Day 3722: Still a virgin *sigh*
November 13, 2015
I am of course not the target market for this book, but I was very curious after reading about it at http://jakeseliger.com/2015/09/23/bri... and considering essays like http://slatestarcodex.com/2014/08/31/... which made me want to be more compassionate towards lonely, awkward young men who may want to do the right thing but don't have any guides that aren't douches. I mean, I do think Nice Guy syndrome is totally a thing, but maybe outside of religious institutions, I can see how there isn't much information out there to concretely teach young heterosexual men how to become better people, if they didn't figure it out on their own or have good role models around.
The approach in this book is smart, it's basically "you can get what you want in an ethical way, by becoming a better person, here are specifics on what that means" and "there are women who will want what you can offer, find them and don't waste your energy people pining over people who won't reciprocate." It dismisses PUA and leftist feminism fairly equally, and satisfied my bar for respect towards women as independent entities. They walk a good line between talking about how to build up your self-esteem and confidence (completely par for the course in self-help books targeted towards women, but I imagine something that's often treated with derision when it's for men) but also completely smacking down any sense of entitlement that you deserve attention from others just because you're doing the right thing.
I don't know how much faith can be placed on evolutionary psychology research, for the whole "how to get women, backed by SCIENCE!" part of the pitch, but as with many psychology things, it feels plausible and logical enough. The social psychology is probably the most on target, with more sophisticated than usual discussion of signaling and jives with how I feel people operate in real life, anyway.
I don't think there's anyone in my life currently that I'd get this book for, but in general it seems to me like this book is a better approach then the calls on "teach men not to rape" sort of thing--by which I mean, we should totally have conversations about consent and how it's tricky and complex, but I don't think we get as far as we could when we only tell people don't do this & don't do that, versus teaching them what they should do instead, to be ethical & happy both.
The approach in this book is smart, it's basically "you can get what you want in an ethical way, by becoming a better person, here are specifics on what that means" and "there are women who will want what you can offer, find them and don't waste your energy people pining over people who won't reciprocate." It dismisses PUA and leftist feminism fairly equally, and satisfied my bar for respect towards women as independent entities. They walk a good line between talking about how to build up your self-esteem and confidence (completely par for the course in self-help books targeted towards women, but I imagine something that's often treated with derision when it's for men) but also completely smacking down any sense of entitlement that you deserve attention from others just because you're doing the right thing.
I don't know how much faith can be placed on evolutionary psychology research, for the whole "how to get women, backed by SCIENCE!" part of the pitch, but as with many psychology things, it feels plausible and logical enough. The social psychology is probably the most on target, with more sophisticated than usual discussion of signaling and jives with how I feel people operate in real life, anyway.
I don't think there's anyone in my life currently that I'd get this book for, but in general it seems to me like this book is a better approach then the calls on "teach men not to rape" sort of thing--by which I mean, we should totally have conversations about consent and how it's tricky and complex, but I don't think we get as far as we could when we only tell people don't do this & don't do that, versus teaching them what they should do instead, to be ethical & happy both.
October 14, 2015
I realize that I'm female, and thus not the target audience for this book. But wow, if you follow the advice in here, you will get laid. I really want to buy this book for a couple of clueless male friends who complain often about dating, but they'd probably be insulted.
*Especially* valuable in this book are the insights into female thinking and behavior. I actually read this book to get clarification on why I react so strongly to certain things that men do. And it was very comforting, actually, to know that there are legitimate, scientific reasons that I react a certain way. If you as a man understand WHY she is thinking or doing whatever it is she's thinking or doing, you can disarm her or course-correct or generally improve whatever is not working.
Also, I very much appreciated the section on ethics and honesty in dating. On behalf of women everywhere, thanks so much for encouraging men to clarify their dating ethics and be stand-up guys! Really good stuff and spot on.
One point that I wish they'd hammered home a little bit better: Once you do what this book says, DON'T STOP DOING IT. If you let your body go and gain weight, or stop being open and social, she will lose attraction for you. Don't do all of this hard work to attract women and then stop once you get a girlfriend. That's a recipe for relationship disaster. (That's also probably a whole separate book: How to Keep Your Relationship Going Once You Have One. Take note, Tucker & Dr. Miller! There's your next book topic.) There is no "finish line" for human sexuality -- it's an on-going collaboration, guys, not a race with a starting and stopping point.
The Mating Grounds podcast, which Tucker & Dr. Miller do, is also very good, but I'm more of a reader/visual learner, so it was interesting to see all of their advice collected in once place. This book also gets a little bit deeper than their podcasts do (it is, after all, more than 300 pages long). But if you enjoy listening to podcasts and that format works well for you, definitely check out The Mating Grounds podcast.
*Especially* valuable in this book are the insights into female thinking and behavior. I actually read this book to get clarification on why I react so strongly to certain things that men do. And it was very comforting, actually, to know that there are legitimate, scientific reasons that I react a certain way. If you as a man understand WHY she is thinking or doing whatever it is she's thinking or doing, you can disarm her or course-correct or generally improve whatever is not working.
Also, I very much appreciated the section on ethics and honesty in dating. On behalf of women everywhere, thanks so much for encouraging men to clarify their dating ethics and be stand-up guys! Really good stuff and spot on.
One point that I wish they'd hammered home a little bit better: Once you do what this book says, DON'T STOP DOING IT. If you let your body go and gain weight, or stop being open and social, she will lose attraction for you. Don't do all of this hard work to attract women and then stop once you get a girlfriend. That's a recipe for relationship disaster. (That's also probably a whole separate book: How to Keep Your Relationship Going Once You Have One. Take note, Tucker & Dr. Miller! There's your next book topic.) There is no "finish line" for human sexuality -- it's an on-going collaboration, guys, not a race with a starting and stopping point.
The Mating Grounds podcast, which Tucker & Dr. Miller do, is also very good, but I'm more of a reader/visual learner, so it was interesting to see all of their advice collected in once place. This book also gets a little bit deeper than their podcasts do (it is, after all, more than 300 pages long). But if you enjoy listening to podcasts and that format works well for you, definitely check out The Mating Grounds podcast.
May 8, 2016
Science guy content communicated in a frat guy voice.
But it's solid stuff.
Be clear of what you want, make sure you're in the right place, get your shit together (health and basic wealth) and make sure you display the right signals.
________________
Confidence is the realistic expectation you have of being successful at something given a) your competence at it and b) the risk involved with doing it
Confidence requires that you go through the anxiety of trying something like this long before you feel ready.
The courage it takes for a woman to say yes (to a date with a man) is beyond anything I can imagine. Men are the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women. - Louis CK
Women generally don't reject men explicitly because of the very real risks they face from publicly humiliating their suitors. They're just trying to reduce the risk of provoking harassment or stalking or violent retaliation.
It's not their responsibility to reject you in the way that would be least costly to you; it's your responsibility to take the hint as best you can and go away.
Slut-shaming originated because promiscuous women are the biggest threat to a woman keeping a good boyfriend.
The six most romantic words :"Don't worry honey, I've got this" demonstrate competence. Competence requires both ability and the willingness to use that ability.
Hence, plug your gaps, don't polish your medals.
Happiness and mental health are honest signals of sanity.
Willpower displays include a healthy body,good grooming and a clean living environment. Plus a healthy body is hard to fake. If you're fit, you're fit. Though preferably not a narcissistic douche.
Assertiveness is a delicate balance between being protective and decisive and being overbearing and possessive. The distinction is as much about the ability to assess threats as the ability to read the reaction of women on the other side of your efforts.
Display through being decisive in most things.
What's on the inside is very important, but your traits are judged based solely on your observable behaviour.
The one thing people don't mean when they say 'just be yourself' is "make zero effort to cultivate or display any of the traits that make women feel happy, safe, impressed and attracted."
Having wealth is nothing if you don't have material proof of attractive traits. It's what you do with the money.
When assessing a mating market, pay attention to the quality of men who are your rivals as well as the women present there. You're not being measured against all men on Earth, just those you're in relative proximity to.
The power dynamic in mate choice:
Approach choice: Men choose which women to approach and talk to.
Sex choice: Women choose which men to have sex with.
Relationship choice: Men choose which women to date.
To men, conversation serves one of three purposes:
To inform (of facts or ideas)
To persuade/influence (into a certain course of action)
To convince (of a viewpoint or objective truth)
BUT the point of conversation is not the content. It is to signal underlying traits (intelligence, mental stability, kindness, empathy) as well as being the process of connection.
Put yourself in the host mindset, placing others' social comfort as top priority to shift your focus away from self-consciousness and towards warmth and openness.
Learn to accurately read female comfort and discomfort cues. Constantly.
Three ways to respond in a conversation:
Validation - respecting one's thoughts and opinions, acknowledging their unique point of view.
Insight - Saying something relevant and bringing something new to the conversation.
Debate/Challenge - If you're gonna disagree,don't belittle her point of view, i.e. validate and acknowledge first.
When talking to women, just make having fun and interesting conversations the goal.
Does your date idea sound like something that has the potential to be memorable/story worthy?
Also make sure it has space for conversation and actual inter-personal interaction to happen.
Have a default plan or two so that your ask will have a sufficient attractive level of specificity.
But it's solid stuff.
Be clear of what you want, make sure you're in the right place, get your shit together (health and basic wealth) and make sure you display the right signals.
________________
Confidence is the realistic expectation you have of being successful at something given a) your competence at it and b) the risk involved with doing it
Confidence requires that you go through the anxiety of trying something like this long before you feel ready.
The courage it takes for a woman to say yes (to a date with a man) is beyond anything I can imagine. Men are the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women. - Louis CK
Women generally don't reject men explicitly because of the very real risks they face from publicly humiliating their suitors. They're just trying to reduce the risk of provoking harassment or stalking or violent retaliation.
It's not their responsibility to reject you in the way that would be least costly to you; it's your responsibility to take the hint as best you can and go away.
Slut-shaming originated because promiscuous women are the biggest threat to a woman keeping a good boyfriend.
The six most romantic words :"Don't worry honey, I've got this" demonstrate competence. Competence requires both ability and the willingness to use that ability.
Hence, plug your gaps, don't polish your medals.
Happiness and mental health are honest signals of sanity.
Willpower displays include a healthy body,good grooming and a clean living environment. Plus a healthy body is hard to fake. If you're fit, you're fit. Though preferably not a narcissistic douche.
Assertiveness is a delicate balance between being protective and decisive and being overbearing and possessive. The distinction is as much about the ability to assess threats as the ability to read the reaction of women on the other side of your efforts.
Display through being decisive in most things.
What's on the inside is very important, but your traits are judged based solely on your observable behaviour.
The one thing people don't mean when they say 'just be yourself' is "make zero effort to cultivate or display any of the traits that make women feel happy, safe, impressed and attracted."
Having wealth is nothing if you don't have material proof of attractive traits. It's what you do with the money.
When assessing a mating market, pay attention to the quality of men who are your rivals as well as the women present there. You're not being measured against all men on Earth, just those you're in relative proximity to.
The power dynamic in mate choice:
Approach choice: Men choose which women to approach and talk to.
Sex choice: Women choose which men to have sex with.
Relationship choice: Men choose which women to date.
To men, conversation serves one of three purposes:
To inform (of facts or ideas)
To persuade/influence (into a certain course of action)
To convince (of a viewpoint or objective truth)
BUT the point of conversation is not the content. It is to signal underlying traits (intelligence, mental stability, kindness, empathy) as well as being the process of connection.
Put yourself in the host mindset, placing others' social comfort as top priority to shift your focus away from self-consciousness and towards warmth and openness.
Learn to accurately read female comfort and discomfort cues. Constantly.
Three ways to respond in a conversation:
Validation - respecting one's thoughts and opinions, acknowledging their unique point of view.
Insight - Saying something relevant and bringing something new to the conversation.
Debate/Challenge - If you're gonna disagree,don't belittle her point of view, i.e. validate and acknowledge first.
When talking to women, just make having fun and interesting conversations the goal.
Does your date idea sound like something that has the potential to be memorable/story worthy?
Also make sure it has space for conversation and actual inter-personal interaction to happen.
Have a default plan or two so that your ask will have a sufficient attractive level of specificity.
October 15, 2017
I look back to the days when I was senior in High School. I was an all-rounder, played four sports--football, basketball, baseball, and track--I stood as roughly a star player, finished in top three in the state with the most interceptions in a season, and accomplished many impactful plays. Furthermore, I was a student government president and involved several organizations. Just a brainstorm to give you an idea of my lifestyle's like in High School. Pretty amazing, right?
Until my friend handed me a book--"I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell"--when I had no trace of who's Tucker Max. He commented,"You have to read it before you going to college, because it'll ensure you to live up your college life in the fullest." I was like hmm, okay.
I remember exactly what my mindset was when I read Tucker's first book. I was thinking wow! I wished I could read this during my high school years, so that I could trim a bit of my naiveness. In order to do it better, I worked out and bought several party clothes during the summer to prepare myself as living up to Tucker's in college.
I surprisedly changed my mentality right when I attended college. I didn't find what Tucker did is entertaining. I'd rather to simplify myself like playing video games with friends, spending more time on bonding with my homeboys, and doing well in school. Good enough, handful of females were running after me, but I wasn't interested the most of time. Thank to my parents for raising me into a pure gentleman I guess.
I continued reading other two books by Tucker Max--Asshole Finish First and Hilarity Ensues--only because they're fun and easy reading, distracting myself a bit from school and such as that.
Recently, I walked into a bookstore and spotted a new book by Tucker Max, and I literally scoffed as I was thinking--Wow, Tucker's still around--But I was startled when I read the back of this book. It's about a honest approach of finding mates. My curiosity was insane to the point where I had to buy right away.
By a few seconds after I read this book, I felt attacked by saying that I was failed to understand the fact about mating, and it proved me it's the truth. I was hesitant to blame my mom, all the female teachers I had, and my female friends I grew up with. Funny how I was preached in a wrong way.
I was astonished by the fact that women don't feel secured at any place especially bars, clubs, and parties. I like how he puts me in comparison if I'm gay and show up at a gay bar, and all the aggressive machos hitting on me. I would feel uncomfortable and ensure that I have friends beside me. I could envision it easily because I'm a skinny dude (130 pounds) and I didn't feel safe when I slept on the street several times due to my budget wise while I was traveling. Several men woke me up to ask me for a sex favor. Even once, I woke up finding three men standing right in the front where I was lying at 3 in the morning. Shit, from now and on, I would carry a knife in my pocket and looked for a group of backpackers to join for a night. I was thinking what the hell... really, women actually feel this way under any circumstances, and yet they still interact with guys especially in the time when it comes to alcohol. I don't get how they continue attending and interacting when they're not exactly secured. Seriously, I get mad props for females.
Lately, I've been seeing female friends, going to bars and parties with them, and I don't think I've missed a moment when I don't think about their feeling of security. Also with social media, pictures, slut shaming, and all that, it's absolutely normal for women to feel insecure. They have every right to keep themselves in distance, and the men would be calling them weird, boring, and such as that. So unfair game.
I appreciate Tucker's explanation about the importance of being honest, keep myself healthy like sleeping, eating right nutritions, medicating, and broad my hobbies. Several times I found myself checking to make sure that Tucker Max's writing this book because it didn't sound like him at all. I was thinking oh you, Tucker Max, said this and that?
I never had a girlfriend, but I often had flings. I rarely had a night stand. I always shuttered when women asked me about my dating life because I didn't know how to explain. How could I explain to them when I barely experienced a night stand and no girlfriend? They probably thought that I'm gay or something abnormal about me. Tucker concluded clearly that there are three different sections what men are looking for--one night stand, short term, or long term relationship--I finally learned that I'm into short term relationships.
Tucker also explained about marketing, where and how should I get women. I didn't really pay attention to this section probably because I'm happy with where I'm at right now. For you guys, maybe you'll appreciate learning about marketing and stuff like that.
Bottom line, it's all about women's perspective, being better myself, and how to find matings. Simple as that.
Lastly, I'm telling you... I'll require my future son to read this. This is a fucking men's bible!
Until my friend handed me a book--"I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell"--when I had no trace of who's Tucker Max. He commented,"You have to read it before you going to college, because it'll ensure you to live up your college life in the fullest." I was like hmm, okay.
I remember exactly what my mindset was when I read Tucker's first book. I was thinking wow! I wished I could read this during my high school years, so that I could trim a bit of my naiveness. In order to do it better, I worked out and bought several party clothes during the summer to prepare myself as living up to Tucker's in college.
I surprisedly changed my mentality right when I attended college. I didn't find what Tucker did is entertaining. I'd rather to simplify myself like playing video games with friends, spending more time on bonding with my homeboys, and doing well in school. Good enough, handful of females were running after me, but I wasn't interested the most of time. Thank to my parents for raising me into a pure gentleman I guess.
I continued reading other two books by Tucker Max--Asshole Finish First and Hilarity Ensues--only because they're fun and easy reading, distracting myself a bit from school and such as that.
Recently, I walked into a bookstore and spotted a new book by Tucker Max, and I literally scoffed as I was thinking--Wow, Tucker's still around--But I was startled when I read the back of this book. It's about a honest approach of finding mates. My curiosity was insane to the point where I had to buy right away.
By a few seconds after I read this book, I felt attacked by saying that I was failed to understand the fact about mating, and it proved me it's the truth. I was hesitant to blame my mom, all the female teachers I had, and my female friends I grew up with. Funny how I was preached in a wrong way.
I was astonished by the fact that women don't feel secured at any place especially bars, clubs, and parties. I like how he puts me in comparison if I'm gay and show up at a gay bar, and all the aggressive machos hitting on me. I would feel uncomfortable and ensure that I have friends beside me. I could envision it easily because I'm a skinny dude (130 pounds) and I didn't feel safe when I slept on the street several times due to my budget wise while I was traveling. Several men woke me up to ask me for a sex favor. Even once, I woke up finding three men standing right in the front where I was lying at 3 in the morning. Shit, from now and on, I would carry a knife in my pocket and looked for a group of backpackers to join for a night. I was thinking what the hell... really, women actually feel this way under any circumstances, and yet they still interact with guys especially in the time when it comes to alcohol. I don't get how they continue attending and interacting when they're not exactly secured. Seriously, I get mad props for females.
Lately, I've been seeing female friends, going to bars and parties with them, and I don't think I've missed a moment when I don't think about their feeling of security. Also with social media, pictures, slut shaming, and all that, it's absolutely normal for women to feel insecure. They have every right to keep themselves in distance, and the men would be calling them weird, boring, and such as that. So unfair game.
I appreciate Tucker's explanation about the importance of being honest, keep myself healthy like sleeping, eating right nutritions, medicating, and broad my hobbies. Several times I found myself checking to make sure that Tucker Max's writing this book because it didn't sound like him at all. I was thinking oh you, Tucker Max, said this and that?
I never had a girlfriend, but I often had flings. I rarely had a night stand. I always shuttered when women asked me about my dating life because I didn't know how to explain. How could I explain to them when I barely experienced a night stand and no girlfriend? They probably thought that I'm gay or something abnormal about me. Tucker concluded clearly that there are three different sections what men are looking for--one night stand, short term, or long term relationship--I finally learned that I'm into short term relationships.
Tucker also explained about marketing, where and how should I get women. I didn't really pay attention to this section probably because I'm happy with where I'm at right now. For you guys, maybe you'll appreciate learning about marketing and stuff like that.
Bottom line, it's all about women's perspective, being better myself, and how to find matings. Simple as that.
Lastly, I'm telling you... I'll require my future son to read this. This is a fucking men's bible!
October 17, 2015
READ THIS BOOK! Yes, you.
I started this book because I was curious about what guys would say women want. I never imagined I would not only agree with every word, but get a better understanding and explanation my own feelings and behaviors! The material in this book validated feelings I had in my last relationship (which of course were never validated while in said relationship),helped me get past those feelings of hurt through a better understanding of both him and myself, and has empowered me on the path forward. I think everyone should read this book: male, female, single, or married. There's so much confusion in relationships, and so little clarifying material such as this.
I started this book because I was curious about what guys would say women want. I never imagined I would not only agree with every word, but get a better understanding and explanation my own feelings and behaviors! The material in this book validated feelings I had in my last relationship (which of course were never validated while in said relationship),helped me get past those feelings of hurt through a better understanding of both him and myself, and has empowered me on the path forward. I think everyone should read this book: male, female, single, or married. There's so much confusion in relationships, and so little clarifying material such as this.
May 19, 2018
I read this bc I was curious but rolled my eyes through all the nutrition shit, specifically where these guys say to avoid all grains ever. Nah. Junk science.
January 21, 2016
**Below is what I sent in as feedback on their site**
I just finished reading mate. Before I get started I should state that I've been a tucker max fan since I was in high school (graduated 06). We skipped (high) school one day to go down to University of Maryland to have our copies of "I hope they serve beer in hell" signed. It was awesome; tucker looked hungover and miserable, my young life was complete. I've also been listening to the podcast "Helping Joe" since the first episode. I am now 27 and was ecstatic to learn about a new podcast featuring my drunken childhood hero, Tucker Max.
With that backstory, I felt the book was somewhat lacking. I have garnered a great deal of useful things from both the podcast and, to a lesser extent, the book. I can't help but feel that the podcast was far more useful to me. To rephrase my previous thought; the book was a mere summary of what I had already heard and learned from the podcast. To those that haven't listened to the podcast I imagine this book is a treasure trove of information not readily available to the average "Joe" (cliche, I know, I apologize). I just felt that I wanted more out of the book; it was too shallow and full of platitudes at times that didn't really help me in any significant way. I also found myself skimming the book too often because a lot of what I was reading I had literally heard Dr. Miller and Tucker tell Joe (and me the fly on the wall).
I think in making this book, there was a decision to keep things aimed at a younger more juvenile audience that left me thinking, "I know all this stuff, and I've heard all this before". I know that in order to sell books you have to reach beyond people like me but I think a more "advanced" version of this book in the future would be great; although I'm not sure how you'd do that without alienating the vast majority of your audience.
With that said, I enjoyed reading the book and did find some of the information useful; specifically the part in the back where they recommend other books and the part about dieting (although this again was lacking). The section on mating markets was good; but I was really hoping for more out of it. I just felt like I couldn't get concise information and that the advice was too broad. I also enjoyed the part where they talk about where you live and why you live there, it got me thinking a lot about my personal situation.
Finally, the takeaways at the end of each chapter made me take the book, and the information in it; less seriously. I can't explain exactly why, but it felt like I was reading the rough draft of the chapter in bullet form. (probably this is because it wasn't aimed at readers who were actually reading the book).
I just finished reading mate. Before I get started I should state that I've been a tucker max fan since I was in high school (graduated 06). We skipped (high) school one day to go down to University of Maryland to have our copies of "I hope they serve beer in hell" signed. It was awesome; tucker looked hungover and miserable, my young life was complete. I've also been listening to the podcast "Helping Joe" since the first episode. I am now 27 and was ecstatic to learn about a new podcast featuring my drunken childhood hero, Tucker Max.
With that backstory, I felt the book was somewhat lacking. I have garnered a great deal of useful things from both the podcast and, to a lesser extent, the book. I can't help but feel that the podcast was far more useful to me. To rephrase my previous thought; the book was a mere summary of what I had already heard and learned from the podcast. To those that haven't listened to the podcast I imagine this book is a treasure trove of information not readily available to the average "Joe" (cliche, I know, I apologize). I just felt that I wanted more out of the book; it was too shallow and full of platitudes at times that didn't really help me in any significant way. I also found myself skimming the book too often because a lot of what I was reading I had literally heard Dr. Miller and Tucker tell Joe (and me the fly on the wall).
I think in making this book, there was a decision to keep things aimed at a younger more juvenile audience that left me thinking, "I know all this stuff, and I've heard all this before". I know that in order to sell books you have to reach beyond people like me but I think a more "advanced" version of this book in the future would be great; although I'm not sure how you'd do that without alienating the vast majority of your audience.
With that said, I enjoyed reading the book and did find some of the information useful; specifically the part in the back where they recommend other books and the part about dieting (although this again was lacking). The section on mating markets was good; but I was really hoping for more out of it. I just felt like I couldn't get concise information and that the advice was too broad. I also enjoyed the part where they talk about where you live and why you live there, it got me thinking a lot about my personal situation.
Finally, the takeaways at the end of each chapter made me take the book, and the information in it; less seriously. I can't explain exactly why, but it felt like I was reading the rough draft of the chapter in bullet form. (probably this is because it wasn't aimed at readers who were actually reading the book).
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 28, 2018
Yes, the cover of this book sucks. It takes a role on ones pride just cracking it open. The discrepancy between the cover and the content is striking. Not sure why the fuck they went with this cover.
Parts of the book are very insightful. There’s a lot of analysis of the mating game through the lens of evolutionary psychology, which I found fascinating. What dating is like from the female perspective is also laid out throughly in a way that is illuminating. Basically, Miller’s voice in the text is great. It’s refreshing to see a dating book that is very scientifically motivated and is not about performing or becoming more of an asshole, but rather about becoming a better person and being honest with yourself and others.
Tucker’s voice (what I presume to be his voice), on the other hand, is annoying for the most part. He has that classic self-help guru tone, with lines like “just grow the fuck up and get your shit together,” and “you can become the man that all the women swoon after.” It’s the classic bull-shit confidence building lines. He also tries hard to be funny as much as possible, a task at which he fails the vast majority of the time. It’s forced, and it felt weird when coupled with the good scientific parts of the book.
All in all, this is a solid book on mating. It probably would have been much better if Miller had just done his own thing and not turned it into an awkward self-help/evolutionary psychology hybrid.
Parts of the book are very insightful. There’s a lot of analysis of the mating game through the lens of evolutionary psychology, which I found fascinating. What dating is like from the female perspective is also laid out throughly in a way that is illuminating. Basically, Miller’s voice in the text is great. It’s refreshing to see a dating book that is very scientifically motivated and is not about performing or becoming more of an asshole, but rather about becoming a better person and being honest with yourself and others.
Tucker’s voice (what I presume to be his voice), on the other hand, is annoying for the most part. He has that classic self-help guru tone, with lines like “just grow the fuck up and get your shit together,” and “you can become the man that all the women swoon after.” It’s the classic bull-shit confidence building lines. He also tries hard to be funny as much as possible, a task at which he fails the vast majority of the time. It’s forced, and it felt weird when coupled with the good scientific parts of the book.
All in all, this is a solid book on mating. It probably would have been much better if Miller had just done his own thing and not turned it into an awkward self-help/evolutionary psychology hybrid.
March 15, 2021
3.5/5
I've read a few books on dating before, but this one still managed to teach me a few things.
This book excels in the sense that it often portrays what's going on in a woman's mind in various situations.The authors employ evolutionary biology to explain why men and women behave a certain way, and offer actionable tips to improve in a LOT of domains.I was largely ignorant about mating markets and aesthetic proof before, and this book explained their importance to me.
The book seems to be directed at men who have no idea about women, because it goes into too much depth and makes several redundant points again and again, so a reader somewhat familiar with dating may get bored by those sections.
If you want to get the best out of this book without reading it,just read the takeaways at the end of each chapter.A cursory reading of those should comprise of the majority of the talking points of this book.
I've read a few books on dating before, but this one still managed to teach me a few things.
This book excels in the sense that it often portrays what's going on in a woman's mind in various situations.The authors employ evolutionary biology to explain why men and women behave a certain way, and offer actionable tips to improve in a LOT of domains.I was largely ignorant about mating markets and aesthetic proof before, and this book explained their importance to me.
The book seems to be directed at men who have no idea about women, because it goes into too much depth and makes several redundant points again and again, so a reader somewhat familiar with dating may get bored by those sections.
If you want to get the best out of this book without reading it,just read the takeaways at the end of each chapter.A cursory reading of those should comprise of the majority of the talking points of this book.
September 11, 2018
The fact that I'm uncomfortable with this book being in my library says a lot.
Tucker Max shouldn't have been involved. Fuck that guy.
Miller is cool in my book though. I genuinely enjoyed a good number of his insights into evolutionary psychology and human mating. As a guy who spent the years of his puberty and adolescence in an all-male compound studying 2000-year-old religious and legal spats in Aramaic, books like this are welcome and appreciated. Tucker's take on just about anything was not. I was able to learn and intuit a good deal of the lessons of this book over time on my own, (and from conversations with female friends- the most underrated source of wisdom into the female mind is FEMALE MINDS) but I really could have used this book a few years ago.
Tucker Max shouldn't have been involved. Fuck that guy.
Miller is cool in my book though. I genuinely enjoyed a good number of his insights into evolutionary psychology and human mating. As a guy who spent the years of his puberty and adolescence in an all-male compound studying 2000-year-old religious and legal spats in Aramaic, books like this are welcome and appreciated. Tucker's take on just about anything was not. I was able to learn and intuit a good deal of the lessons of this book over time on my own, (and from conversations with female friends- the most underrated source of wisdom into the female mind is FEMALE MINDS) but I really could have used this book a few years ago.
June 30, 2016
I never would've thought in a million years I'd read and end up loving a Tucker Max book. I used to see his books on shelves and just think here's another obnoxious PUA who made his fortune bragging about how much sex he has/had. Which may or may not be true.
However, Mate ended up being the opposite of that. And much like the authors state throughout, "I wish I would've had this book when I was 17." Basically, the entire impetus of the book is to attract women by being a better person and living a good life and utilizing your environment to have said life. It sounds obvious but it kind of opened my eyes and put words to something I feel like I was on the cusp of figuring out just now at 24. This isn't a how to manual, there are no five simple tricks to achieving success with women and the authors state outright that you are going to have to put work in to realize some of the benefits of their advice. Fair enough, I can respect that.
What I really enjoyed here is the impartiality of the authors towards different types of dating. They explain what type of place you need to be in to have one night stands, find girlfriends or even meet the woman you'll end up marrying all free of judgement or bias. I was also intrigued by their examination of the types of guys who get women and what it is that does and doesn't work for them. For example, they explain why the jock was so popular in high school etc. Best of all, however, is their chapter on what it's like to date men as a woman and how daunting and intimidating the experience can be. Also, it finally explained what having confidence is; it is the sum total of your competencies in an array of skills that contribute to your overall effectiveness in everyday situations and interactions. And even what it means to be happy and content with life.
Obviously, the book isn't completely flawless. The chapter where they discuss dressing better is good but it really only covers the basics (fair enough since style changes). I also started to get the sneaking suspicion that CrossFit funded the writers or something. Apparently, we're all going to be doing CrossFit and eating Paleo as a means to meet women (and yes the implication isn't lost on me). So in these areas the book gives you more of a general direction but it is still up to you to find the resources that provide more information on what will work for you. The use of the word "mate" throughout gets really weird after a while but this is obviously minor.
Overall, Mate has made me realize how poorly I've managed my life so far but also showed me that I'm not doing as bad or am as far behind as I think. So, yes, I wish I had this book seven to ten years ago and I would wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone who is a basement dweller, has sort of "lost their way" or become out of touch with the world due to the pressures of modern life. I'm fairly certain that a lot of the advice in this book could be easily applied to women as well. However, I did wonder what the women's version of this would be like. That being said, great read, concise, humorous and straight to the point. For a book I was super hesitant (see also: self conscious, embarrassed) to read it ended up being a big surprise.
However, Mate ended up being the opposite of that. And much like the authors state throughout, "I wish I would've had this book when I was 17." Basically, the entire impetus of the book is to attract women by being a better person and living a good life and utilizing your environment to have said life. It sounds obvious but it kind of opened my eyes and put words to something I feel like I was on the cusp of figuring out just now at 24. This isn't a how to manual, there are no five simple tricks to achieving success with women and the authors state outright that you are going to have to put work in to realize some of the benefits of their advice. Fair enough, I can respect that.
What I really enjoyed here is the impartiality of the authors towards different types of dating. They explain what type of place you need to be in to have one night stands, find girlfriends or even meet the woman you'll end up marrying all free of judgement or bias. I was also intrigued by their examination of the types of guys who get women and what it is that does and doesn't work for them. For example, they explain why the jock was so popular in high school etc. Best of all, however, is their chapter on what it's like to date men as a woman and how daunting and intimidating the experience can be. Also, it finally explained what having confidence is; it is the sum total of your competencies in an array of skills that contribute to your overall effectiveness in everyday situations and interactions. And even what it means to be happy and content with life.
Obviously, the book isn't completely flawless. The chapter where they discuss dressing better is good but it really only covers the basics (fair enough since style changes). I also started to get the sneaking suspicion that CrossFit funded the writers or something. Apparently, we're all going to be doing CrossFit and eating Paleo as a means to meet women (and yes the implication isn't lost on me). So in these areas the book gives you more of a general direction but it is still up to you to find the resources that provide more information on what will work for you. The use of the word "mate" throughout gets really weird after a while but this is obviously minor.
Overall, Mate has made me realize how poorly I've managed my life so far but also showed me that I'm not doing as bad or am as far behind as I think. So, yes, I wish I had this book seven to ten years ago and I would wholeheartedly recommend it to anyone who is a basement dweller, has sort of "lost their way" or become out of touch with the world due to the pressures of modern life. I'm fairly certain that a lot of the advice in this book could be easily applied to women as well. However, I did wonder what the women's version of this would be like. That being said, great read, concise, humorous and straight to the point. For a book I was super hesitant (see also: self conscious, embarrassed) to read it ended up being a big surprise.
July 21, 2020
This was on my to read list, likely when I heard Tucker Max on a Podcast. Recently I heard Geoffrey Miller speak and was suitable impressed to want to read more of his work. I enjoyed Shawn T Smith’s – The Tactical Gide to Women, and this is of the same genre, thus was encouraged. It was quick to advise that this was not a pick up book. It is aimed at men who want to develop to be the best versions of themselves possible. “Across millions of species, males have discovered only four reliable ways to break through the female choice barriers: force, trickery, bribery, and honest mating effort” (p 69). They make it clear that they are only interested in men making an ‘honest mating effort’.
Reading this as a Mental Health Clinician I thought this did a good job of basic advice for a life lived well. Key was getting enough sleep, eat a balanced diet, exercise, maintain good personal hygiene, and develop supportive relationships. If you can take care of these you are well on your way to being the best and most attractive version of yourself that women want you to be. The recommend that you ”plug the gaps¡ don't just polish medals” (p74). What they mean by this is you get more traction from eliminating your deal breakers, than trying to shine light on the aspects of your personality you think most attractive. Geoff Miller provides the academic knowledge, with Tucker Max providing the pragmatism in the real world.
I again most pleased that I that the conclusions I had made as a twenty something were at the core of their advice for meeting women (e.g. Bars/Pubs/Nightclubs are terrible, Ballroom Dancing Classes are excellent). The conclusions supported what I read in The Power of Bad, that people have plenty of deal breakers, but rarely have one thing that they find irresistible. They confront the arsehole, pick up artist strategies, with advice to be kind and fun with everyone (even the girls who are obviously not attracted to you, they have friends).
I am glad they recognised that "Taekwondo is as effective as basketball moves in a real fight" (p 157). No relevance, I just agree with the observation.
If a young man took this work seriously, he would be a better person, and thus more attractive to woman (and likely have more sex). I enjoyed it and found it affirming of what I had already worked out. I do not understand why men wanting to improve themselves is reflexively threatening to some people. This is a work that aims to improve men as people and a worthwhile resource for the men’s movement.
Reading this as a Mental Health Clinician I thought this did a good job of basic advice for a life lived well. Key was getting enough sleep, eat a balanced diet, exercise, maintain good personal hygiene, and develop supportive relationships. If you can take care of these you are well on your way to being the best and most attractive version of yourself that women want you to be. The recommend that you ”plug the gaps¡ don't just polish medals” (p74). What they mean by this is you get more traction from eliminating your deal breakers, than trying to shine light on the aspects of your personality you think most attractive. Geoff Miller provides the academic knowledge, with Tucker Max providing the pragmatism in the real world.
I again most pleased that I that the conclusions I had made as a twenty something were at the core of their advice for meeting women (e.g. Bars/Pubs/Nightclubs are terrible, Ballroom Dancing Classes are excellent). The conclusions supported what I read in The Power of Bad, that people have plenty of deal breakers, but rarely have one thing that they find irresistible. They confront the arsehole, pick up artist strategies, with advice to be kind and fun with everyone (even the girls who are obviously not attracted to you, they have friends).
I am glad they recognised that "Taekwondo is as effective as basketball moves in a real fight" (p 157). No relevance, I just agree with the observation.
If a young man took this work seriously, he would be a better person, and thus more attractive to woman (and likely have more sex). I enjoyed it and found it affirming of what I had already worked out. I do not understand why men wanting to improve themselves is reflexively threatening to some people. This is a work that aims to improve men as people and a worthwhile resource for the men’s movement.
February 6, 2020
A very fun, funny, and potentially useful book for many [young] men to read, but of very mixed quality.
The good:
-excellent advice for cultivating good habits that increase your chances of being attractive to women—which are all just generally good habits for succeeding in life in general (taking care of one’s physical and mental health, eating right, practicing self-compassion, etc.)
-it illuminates the asymmetry in how men and women tend to behave in certain contexts (e.g., why men are often frustrated by women “sending mixed signals” or “playing hard to get”) and the evolutionary reasons for this
-it offers ethically applaudable tips for pursuing sex with women in a non-manipulative way that respects women, something pick-up artists frequently fail at.
The bad:
-horribly inaccurate representation of nutritional science �� the authors recommend the paleo diet and other fad diets that the scientific community does not endorse, while dissuading you from eating all carbs, including whole grains (mostly in chapter 6). This was a painful part of the book, and I struggled to persuade myself to continue reading after this train wreck of a chapter.
-misrepresentation of intelligence/g: the authors group “emotional intelligence”, “social intelligence” and “practical intelligence” under g, but g comprises reasoning, spatial ability, memory, processing speed, and vocabulary, while EI, SI and PI are not psychometrically / scientifically validated forms of “intelligence”. As a psychologist, Miller should know better. This sort of glaring scientific accuracy unfortunately makes me doubt the veracity of many of the other claims in the book.
Overall, it’s invaluable advice that many guys need to hear, notwithstanding the above shortcomings.
The good:
-excellent advice for cultivating good habits that increase your chances of being attractive to women—which are all just generally good habits for succeeding in life in general (taking care of one’s physical and mental health, eating right, practicing self-compassion, etc.)
-it illuminates the asymmetry in how men and women tend to behave in certain contexts (e.g., why men are often frustrated by women “sending mixed signals” or “playing hard to get”) and the evolutionary reasons for this
-it offers ethically applaudable tips for pursuing sex with women in a non-manipulative way that respects women, something pick-up artists frequently fail at.
The bad:
-horribly inaccurate representation of nutritional science �� the authors recommend the paleo diet and other fad diets that the scientific community does not endorse, while dissuading you from eating all carbs, including whole grains (mostly in chapter 6). This was a painful part of the book, and I struggled to persuade myself to continue reading after this train wreck of a chapter.
-misrepresentation of intelligence/g: the authors group “emotional intelligence”, “social intelligence” and “practical intelligence” under g, but g comprises reasoning, spatial ability, memory, processing speed, and vocabulary, while EI, SI and PI are not psychometrically / scientifically validated forms of “intelligence”. As a psychologist, Miller should know better. This sort of glaring scientific accuracy unfortunately makes me doubt the veracity of many of the other claims in the book.
Overall, it’s invaluable advice that many guys need to hear, notwithstanding the above shortcomings.
December 9, 2017
It was incredible. More and more often as we lose all sense of the world around us while staring at the screens of our smart phones and computers, we forget to pass along useful knowledge. Especially for the political climate these past few years and the talk of toxic masculinity, I think this book is important.
The authors spend a great deal of time providing information that they wish they could have had in their younger years that not only helps men become more appealing to women, but helps men to better themselves overall.
The authors spend a great deal of time providing information that they wish they could have had in their younger years that not only helps men become more appealing to women, but helps men to better themselves overall.
November 26, 2020
Ugh, I want to hate it, but it's not wrong with much of its information. Of course, it reads like it's written by Geoffery Miller, with a bit of Tucker Max sprinkled in for the fame association, and hey, if it gets some sense in front of the eyes of anyone who thinks TM is in any way admirable, then by all means, associate away!
I think I read it in shock waiting for some anecdotal explanation of how TM met someone who married him, but it's not there. No deets. A woman married him? He has a child? People are allowed to grow up and change, but.....wow. LOTTA change required.
I think I read it in shock waiting for some anecdotal explanation of how TM met someone who married him, but it's not there. No deets. A woman married him? He has a child? People are allowed to grow up and change, but.....wow. LOTTA change required.
January 1, 2023
There are tons of dating books out there, and there are tons with really horrible advice. A year ago I was introduced to one of the manosphere's dating books "The Rational Male", and it was jaw-droppingly bad (see my Goodreads review if you want to know more). So, seeing a book with a title like this and one of it's co-authors Tucker Max being infamous for the book "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell", how could I possibly give a book like this 4 stars?
Well, don't judge a book by it's cover, nor it's author's name.
Right off the bat, the book clarifies what the book is and what it isn't. It's NOT a dating book giving random quick-fix advice. It's NOT a dating book that randomly speculates what women want. Both authors reject the manosphere and pick-up artist books of today. Instead, the aim for this book was to be science-based.
Combine the frat boy communication style of Tucker Max with the evolutionary psychology studies of Geoffrey Miller and you got this book. And if there was any maxim for this book, it could easily be: "𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯'𝘵 𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘩*𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘢 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭-𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦!"
What I really appreciated about the book is that while the authors offer charisma techniques here and there, it's always surrounded by practical advice and a core emphasis on developing one's character. Unlike books in the manosphere which encourage degrading women to compensate for feelings of inferiority, this book tells men to take responsibility for their inferiority and improve themselves. Unlike books which point to women as being the problem, this book tells men we are the ones creating the problem when we expect women to magically like us while at the same time being lazy, incompetent, unsanitary buffoons!
One big takeaway from the book is the author's emphasis on becoming a Tender Defender: a man who can play competitively and fiercely on the sports field while at the same time be the softest and most nurturing husband off the field. It's all goes back to the idea of becoming a balanced, well-rounded man.
While I can't say every piece of advice I agreed with or it sounded more like personal opinion than data-driven (e.g. they really push the No Sugar No Grains diet), I learned enough in the book that I'd definitely recommend others check it out too!
Key Excerpts:
- "Taking responsibility for your personal growth and social attractiveness has been a core principle from the ancient Stoics through Nietzsche and from existentialism to modern psychotherapy; it’s acknowledging your ethical duty to yourself, your future potential, your free will, and your personal autonomy."
- "To build real confidence you must boost real competence...The only effective strategy for gaining real confidence is to develop skills and demonstrate performance of those skills."
- "As a man, it is impossible to be better at mating until you understand the subjective experience of a woman, because it is fundamentally different than yours in many ways...Some of the same male traits that frighten you the most also seem to be the most attractive to you. The guys who pose the greatest physical threat are also the same guys you can envision making you feel the safest. The guy who seems like the most egotistical player in the bar is also the one making you laugh so hard that your ribs hurt. It’s all a giant, swirling, pulsating contradiction. This is the world of sex and dating for women."
- "Most of you guys are solid dudes. You’re just suffering for the actions of the highly nonrandom sample of guys who hit on every woman in sight. That’s why it’s so important to understand the world from a woman’s perspective...Cops spend 90 percent of their time dealing with the scummiest 5 percent of humanity. The ones who’ve been around a while often develop a cynical, negative, and fatalistic view of humans, based on the totality of their bitter experiences. Likewise, women spend a big proportion of their time in the mating market avoiding the small percentage of guys who are the most intrusive, obnoxious, or insane."
- "Women get pregnant, men don’t. Most of the sex differences in human mating strategies emerge, directly or indirectly, from that basic fact."
- "Hollywood romantic comedies and Hallmark greeting cards have convinced much of our culture that the six most romantic words a man can say to a woman are 'I love you' and 'I am sorry.' This is bullsh*t. In fact, if you look at actual behavior and mate choice, those six words are 'Don’t worry honey, I got this'—which means: we face a real problem together as a couple, but I can totally handle it as a man. I’m effective. Females throughout nature favor effective males...Women are attracted to physical effectiveness, not physical narcissism."
- "In modern culture, we’re told that choosing mates for their physical health and physical attractiveness is superficial. That is a bullsh*t lie. Picking people based on their looks is an evolved behavior, especially with regard to health, because health is the exact opposite of a superficial trait: it’s how well your whole body works as an organic system. Visible physical health reveals how many mutations are in your DNA, what biochemical reactions are happening in every organ, what hormones are circulating in your blood. It predicts how effective you’ll stay at life and how long you’ll live. Physical health matters at a deep biological level, and female choice is a deeply biological activity."
- "A recent BBC study of 120,000 people across fifty-three countries showed that the most attractive traits in a long-term mate were, in descending order of importance: (1) intelligence, (2) humor (which is a form of intelligence), (3) honesty, (4) kindness, (5) physical attractiveness, (6) moral values, (7) communication skills (another form of intelligence), and (8) dependability. Three of the top eight traits are related to intelligence."
- "Be stronger and more assertive than the 'nice guys' and a better, more caring person than the 'assholes,' and you will be more attractive than 90 percent of guys. Learn to switch quickly and effectively from tender to tough, from spoon mode to knife mode, from caring for the vulnerable to confronting the threatening."
- "Yes, what’s on the inside is very important, but we can judge each other’s deepest traits only by what we can observe and verify. EVERYONE judges EVERYONE else by what’s 'on the outside.' We do it because we’re wired by evolution to show off our inner traits through our surface behavior and to expect everyone else to do the same."
- "Social proof is not superficial. For hypersocial animals like us, it’s about as deep a signal of personal value as anything gets. Remember, you are a male stranger. You represent a danger to her, and the collective opinion of your social network gives a woman a huge amount of information about your traits, strengths, virtues, and social skills that she would otherwise find out only by taking the risks of getting to know you—a male stranger...Your social proof is really just the answer to one key question: does this guy add value to people’s lives?"
- "Ignore all the bullsh*t advice that you have to 'become an alpha' to get women, that if you just get fierce, domineering, and exploitative, everyone will love you and the world will be yours. That advice is totally ineffective and wrong. Being known in your group (popular), attracting attention by delivering value (high-status), and provoking respect (prestigious) within your social group are the core of social proofs in our species, so that’s what you should focus on."
- "Multiple studies show that women choose the entrepreneur, because his traits, like intelligence and hard work, were directly responsible for his success, whereas the lottery winner just had dumb luck...Almost all women would rather have an interesting, fun, kind husband with a solid middle-class income than a dull, disconnected, workaholic millionaire."
- "Make dinner instead of reservations; hike in the hills instead of flying to the mountains; write your own Valentine’s Day poem instead of buying some trite Hallmark card...The best way to be happy and attractive is to spend your money on new experiences, not new things. This is one of the most surprising results from the last two decades of happiness research."
- "A lot of men—especially in the United States—dismiss personal style and taste as the exclusive domain of the metrosexual, the feminine, and the gay. Real men don’t care about clothes, decor, or beauty, they’ll tell themselves between heated discussions about their fantasy football lineups. That stuff is for chicks and guys who like d*cks! There’s no other way to put it: men who think this way are penis pilots destined for failure and loneliness...The logic of aesthetic-based selection makes even more sense when you consider that physical beauty signals good genes. Across thousands of animal species, females use male sexual ornaments as indicators of genetic quality."
- "Your body scent has a complicated physiology influenced by what you eat, how you exercise, how much you sleep and hydrate, how much you sweat, and what your hormone levels are. This means your natural scent is a pretty informative signal of your overall health."
- "Contrary to the Romeo and Juliet myth that social adversity makes love stronger, relationships have lower satisfaction and worse outcomes if they aren’t integrated into the lovers’ social networks or if friends disapprove."
- "Generally speaking, it works like this: Men compete more for short-term sex, and women compete more for long-term commitment. For most young men, getting laid is the ultimate sexual outcome. For most women, getting a guy to go steady as her boyfriend is a major milestone; getting him to propose marriage is the ultimate outcome. Read that section again and again until it is seared into your brain: men compete for sex, and women compete for commitment."
- "Active listening is great, and validation is good too, but the fastest way to get put in the friend zone is to blindly agree with everything a woman says—that’s too much tender and not enough defender. No one likes a yes-man, and women find them especially unattractive...Any experienced woman knows that men won’t agree with everything she says or does. The question she is asking herself is not 'does he agree with my thoughts on everything,' but instead 'how does he respond when we don’t agree?' Everything you say will be interpreted as an insight into your character and values."
- "When talking to women, make your only goal to have entertaining and fun conversations with them, and nothing else. This is one of the most powerful 'hacks' we know. It has helped thousands of men become very successful at mating conversations."
Well, don't judge a book by it's cover, nor it's author's name.
Right off the bat, the book clarifies what the book is and what it isn't. It's NOT a dating book giving random quick-fix advice. It's NOT a dating book that randomly speculates what women want. Both authors reject the manosphere and pick-up artist books of today. Instead, the aim for this book was to be science-based.
Combine the frat boy communication style of Tucker Max with the evolutionary psychology studies of Geoffrey Miller and you got this book. And if there was any maxim for this book, it could easily be: "𝘚𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯'𝘵 𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘩*𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘢 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭-𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘥 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘦!"
What I really appreciated about the book is that while the authors offer charisma techniques here and there, it's always surrounded by practical advice and a core emphasis on developing one's character. Unlike books in the manosphere which encourage degrading women to compensate for feelings of inferiority, this book tells men to take responsibility for their inferiority and improve themselves. Unlike books which point to women as being the problem, this book tells men we are the ones creating the problem when we expect women to magically like us while at the same time being lazy, incompetent, unsanitary buffoons!
One big takeaway from the book is the author's emphasis on becoming a Tender Defender: a man who can play competitively and fiercely on the sports field while at the same time be the softest and most nurturing husband off the field. It's all goes back to the idea of becoming a balanced, well-rounded man.
While I can't say every piece of advice I agreed with or it sounded more like personal opinion than data-driven (e.g. they really push the No Sugar No Grains diet), I learned enough in the book that I'd definitely recommend others check it out too!
Key Excerpts:
- "Taking responsibility for your personal growth and social attractiveness has been a core principle from the ancient Stoics through Nietzsche and from existentialism to modern psychotherapy; it’s acknowledging your ethical duty to yourself, your future potential, your free will, and your personal autonomy."
- "To build real confidence you must boost real competence...The only effective strategy for gaining real confidence is to develop skills and demonstrate performance of those skills."
- "As a man, it is impossible to be better at mating until you understand the subjective experience of a woman, because it is fundamentally different than yours in many ways...Some of the same male traits that frighten you the most also seem to be the most attractive to you. The guys who pose the greatest physical threat are also the same guys you can envision making you feel the safest. The guy who seems like the most egotistical player in the bar is also the one making you laugh so hard that your ribs hurt. It’s all a giant, swirling, pulsating contradiction. This is the world of sex and dating for women."
- "Most of you guys are solid dudes. You’re just suffering for the actions of the highly nonrandom sample of guys who hit on every woman in sight. That’s why it’s so important to understand the world from a woman’s perspective...Cops spend 90 percent of their time dealing with the scummiest 5 percent of humanity. The ones who’ve been around a while often develop a cynical, negative, and fatalistic view of humans, based on the totality of their bitter experiences. Likewise, women spend a big proportion of their time in the mating market avoiding the small percentage of guys who are the most intrusive, obnoxious, or insane."
- "Women get pregnant, men don’t. Most of the sex differences in human mating strategies emerge, directly or indirectly, from that basic fact."
- "Hollywood romantic comedies and Hallmark greeting cards have convinced much of our culture that the six most romantic words a man can say to a woman are 'I love you' and 'I am sorry.' This is bullsh*t. In fact, if you look at actual behavior and mate choice, those six words are 'Don’t worry honey, I got this'—which means: we face a real problem together as a couple, but I can totally handle it as a man. I’m effective. Females throughout nature favor effective males...Women are attracted to physical effectiveness, not physical narcissism."
- "In modern culture, we’re told that choosing mates for their physical health and physical attractiveness is superficial. That is a bullsh*t lie. Picking people based on their looks is an evolved behavior, especially with regard to health, because health is the exact opposite of a superficial trait: it’s how well your whole body works as an organic system. Visible physical health reveals how many mutations are in your DNA, what biochemical reactions are happening in every organ, what hormones are circulating in your blood. It predicts how effective you’ll stay at life and how long you’ll live. Physical health matters at a deep biological level, and female choice is a deeply biological activity."
- "A recent BBC study of 120,000 people across fifty-three countries showed that the most attractive traits in a long-term mate were, in descending order of importance: (1) intelligence, (2) humor (which is a form of intelligence), (3) honesty, (4) kindness, (5) physical attractiveness, (6) moral values, (7) communication skills (another form of intelligence), and (8) dependability. Three of the top eight traits are related to intelligence."
- "Be stronger and more assertive than the 'nice guys' and a better, more caring person than the 'assholes,' and you will be more attractive than 90 percent of guys. Learn to switch quickly and effectively from tender to tough, from spoon mode to knife mode, from caring for the vulnerable to confronting the threatening."
- "Yes, what’s on the inside is very important, but we can judge each other’s deepest traits only by what we can observe and verify. EVERYONE judges EVERYONE else by what’s 'on the outside.' We do it because we’re wired by evolution to show off our inner traits through our surface behavior and to expect everyone else to do the same."
- "Social proof is not superficial. For hypersocial animals like us, it’s about as deep a signal of personal value as anything gets. Remember, you are a male stranger. You represent a danger to her, and the collective opinion of your social network gives a woman a huge amount of information about your traits, strengths, virtues, and social skills that she would otherwise find out only by taking the risks of getting to know you—a male stranger...Your social proof is really just the answer to one key question: does this guy add value to people’s lives?"
- "Ignore all the bullsh*t advice that you have to 'become an alpha' to get women, that if you just get fierce, domineering, and exploitative, everyone will love you and the world will be yours. That advice is totally ineffective and wrong. Being known in your group (popular), attracting attention by delivering value (high-status), and provoking respect (prestigious) within your social group are the core of social proofs in our species, so that’s what you should focus on."
- "Multiple studies show that women choose the entrepreneur, because his traits, like intelligence and hard work, were directly responsible for his success, whereas the lottery winner just had dumb luck...Almost all women would rather have an interesting, fun, kind husband with a solid middle-class income than a dull, disconnected, workaholic millionaire."
- "Make dinner instead of reservations; hike in the hills instead of flying to the mountains; write your own Valentine’s Day poem instead of buying some trite Hallmark card...The best way to be happy and attractive is to spend your money on new experiences, not new things. This is one of the most surprising results from the last two decades of happiness research."
- "A lot of men—especially in the United States—dismiss personal style and taste as the exclusive domain of the metrosexual, the feminine, and the gay. Real men don’t care about clothes, decor, or beauty, they’ll tell themselves between heated discussions about their fantasy football lineups. That stuff is for chicks and guys who like d*cks! There’s no other way to put it: men who think this way are penis pilots destined for failure and loneliness...The logic of aesthetic-based selection makes even more sense when you consider that physical beauty signals good genes. Across thousands of animal species, females use male sexual ornaments as indicators of genetic quality."
- "Your body scent has a complicated physiology influenced by what you eat, how you exercise, how much you sleep and hydrate, how much you sweat, and what your hormone levels are. This means your natural scent is a pretty informative signal of your overall health."
- "Contrary to the Romeo and Juliet myth that social adversity makes love stronger, relationships have lower satisfaction and worse outcomes if they aren’t integrated into the lovers’ social networks or if friends disapprove."
- "Generally speaking, it works like this: Men compete more for short-term sex, and women compete more for long-term commitment. For most young men, getting laid is the ultimate sexual outcome. For most women, getting a guy to go steady as her boyfriend is a major milestone; getting him to propose marriage is the ultimate outcome. Read that section again and again until it is seared into your brain: men compete for sex, and women compete for commitment."
- "Active listening is great, and validation is good too, but the fastest way to get put in the friend zone is to blindly agree with everything a woman says—that’s too much tender and not enough defender. No one likes a yes-man, and women find them especially unattractive...Any experienced woman knows that men won’t agree with everything she says or does. The question she is asking herself is not 'does he agree with my thoughts on everything,' but instead 'how does he respond when we don’t agree?' Everything you say will be interpreted as an insight into your character and values."
- "When talking to women, make your only goal to have entertaining and fun conversations with them, and nothing else. This is one of the most powerful 'hacks' we know. It has helped thousands of men become very successful at mating conversations."
December 27, 2021
I’m a big fan of evolutionary psychology. I just think it’s fascinating to hear theories on how our environments shaped our behaviors over time. Some of the explanations provided by such theories make a lot of sense in hindsight but aren’t totally obvious upfront.
For me, that seems to sum this one up — it’s a book about dating and why men and women desire specific traits in their partners. It really dives deep into the evolutionary realm to provide scientific explanations that make sense.
My only complaint is that it did go on a hair longer than I thought it needed to; I found the first third amazing but thought it got a little less exciting from there. There are still some great dating / mating takeaways for men here, though. And even a few for women, too.
-Brian Sachetta
Author of “Get Out of Your Head”
For me, that seems to sum this one up — it’s a book about dating and why men and women desire specific traits in their partners. It really dives deep into the evolutionary realm to provide scientific explanations that make sense.
My only complaint is that it did go on a hair longer than I thought it needed to; I found the first third amazing but thought it got a little less exciting from there. There are still some great dating / mating takeaways for men here, though. And even a few for women, too.
-Brian Sachetta
Author of “Get Out of Your Head”
December 15, 2022
Women are attracted to men who are healthy and effective. This has its roots in our evolution, since what really matters in evolution is survival and replication, whether we like it or not. Physical health and fitness, mental health (which lack of it is one of the biggest dangers to women and children), intelligence, willpower, kindness, and assertiveness are traits that predict a man's effectiveness in life, specially in the times when our ancestors were living in the forests and savannas. All of them are arguably still very good indicators of who can become a good, effective father and husband. Women have evolved to detect these traits accurately and to choose them instinctively.
January 23, 2022
Read this book because Chris Williamson said it might be interesting to women as well. And it was. Helped me understand why I found some of the things my partners did irritating. Also really liked the approach the authors took when talking about women. If someone knows about a similar book (based on science and with practical advice) for women, leave the title in the comments. Thanks!
November 22, 2015
Loved reading this book. Analyzing the millions of years of evolution involved, it's a practical and educational read filled with humor on an incredibly important and misunderstood subject with a research-based approach.
My favorite takeaways:
The different types of intelligence: [fill in later].
Attracting someone is not about doing anything big, but instead doing little things - taking care of your body & mind. Sleep well, eat well, exercise well, read well, basic grooming, dressing well. Although the section about reading in "Living Rich" by Mark Ford is a much better overview on the subject of reading.
The breakdown in mating strategies - Short-term/medium-term/long-term. I mansplained this to a girl I was seeing and she felt compelled to read the book, although it is geared towards men.
The terrible attributes of bars/clubs.
How to build a life where successful Mating is a natural byproduct.
The value of humor and playfulness.
The bullshit of confidence without competence, and the delusion of alpha status.
The idea of hard to fake indicators of biological fitness. Like being in really good shape.
My only issue in the book was on the subject of therapy. It said that if you have problems, you should see a therapist and almost said that everyone has problems, so it's no big deal. And that is almost okay. Saying everyone has issues with their mentality and seeing a therapist would fix these issues. Still, this thinking is fundamentally flawed though. It's analogous to saying that if you're fat, you should exercise, and we all have a little extra fat (not true) so you should exercise. You exercise to improve your body not necessarily fix your body issues. Therapy should be used to fix issues, but also to improve your thinking, emotional fitness and self-awareness.
My favorite takeaways:
The different types of intelligence: [fill in later].
Attracting someone is not about doing anything big, but instead doing little things - taking care of your body & mind. Sleep well, eat well, exercise well, read well, basic grooming, dressing well. Although the section about reading in "Living Rich" by Mark Ford is a much better overview on the subject of reading.
The breakdown in mating strategies - Short-term/medium-term/long-term. I mansplained this to a girl I was seeing and she felt compelled to read the book, although it is geared towards men.
The terrible attributes of bars/clubs.
How to build a life where successful Mating is a natural byproduct.
The value of humor and playfulness.
The bullshit of confidence without competence, and the delusion of alpha status.
The idea of hard to fake indicators of biological fitness. Like being in really good shape.
My only issue in the book was on the subject of therapy. It said that if you have problems, you should see a therapist and almost said that everyone has problems, so it's no big deal. And that is almost okay. Saying everyone has issues with their mentality and seeing a therapist would fix these issues. Still, this thinking is fundamentally flawed though. It's analogous to saying that if you're fat, you should exercise, and we all have a little extra fat (not true) so you should exercise. You exercise to improve your body not necessarily fix your body issues. Therapy should be used to fix issues, but also to improve your thinking, emotional fitness and self-awareness.
January 8, 2023
This book was absolutely not what I expected, and was exceptionally good. I read it because I'm familiar with one of the authors from Twitter (Geoffrey Miller), and he's an interesting evolutionary psychologist. I'd heard of Tucker Max as a "lad's book" kind of guy with tales of sexual exploits. I figured it would be some pickup artist (PUA) bullshit, but it was pretty much the opposite.
Somehow this book manages to present a sound science-based argument for behavior, combined with moral/ethical one, and this behavior is pro-social and accomplishes the literal stated goal of the title. It's very much aimed at heterosexual teen to young adult men (maybe early 30s at most), but that's also a group with the biggest problems with dating -- although I'd love to see someone write the female version of this book for young women as well. Essentially it comes down to advocating for genuine self improvement on the dimensions which make men more attractive, how to present those traits accurately, and how to proceed from that basis.
If you have a young male relative or friend, this is the best book on dating I've ever read, and would be an excellent gift.
Somehow this book manages to present a sound science-based argument for behavior, combined with moral/ethical one, and this behavior is pro-social and accomplishes the literal stated goal of the title. It's very much aimed at heterosexual teen to young adult men (maybe early 30s at most), but that's also a group with the biggest problems with dating -- although I'd love to see someone write the female version of this book for young women as well. Essentially it comes down to advocating for genuine self improvement on the dimensions which make men more attractive, how to present those traits accurately, and how to proceed from that basis.
If you have a young male relative or friend, this is the best book on dating I've ever read, and would be an excellent gift.
Read
November 22, 2021It's too early to give this a full review, but I like what I've read so far. Tucker has put aside his rambunctious persona to coauthor a dating guide with Geoff Miller based on up-to-date science in the field of evolutionary bio. I'm at the part about confidence as a barometer of past performance demo'd, and at age 34 am having both 'ah-ha' and 'yes, exactly' moments. I think this going to be a valuable book for a lot of people, regardless of their relationship status or sex.
August 15, 2016
I enjoyed this book but it's mostly about attracting a mate, if you want a book more tailored on how to stay in relationships that is also based more in psychology then I suggest Deeper Dating by Ken Page.
October 11, 2015
I found this to be very interesting and potentially eye opening. I clearly haven't been doing things right and maybe this book is the correct approach. Would recommend to anyone looking for more info on getting a relationship and making it work.
March 5, 2020
For the love of sex and relationship education, do not consider this book to be a valid resource. I am disgusted by the language and discourse here.
FFS, go talk to a woman instead of reading this trash.
FFS, go talk to a woman instead of reading this trash.
October 1, 2015
Love it.
I loved it. I think the most useful to me was on taking a woman's perspective. I won't write much because, well, I have a date.
I loved it. I think the most useful to me was on taking a woman's perspective. I won't write much because, well, I have a date.
October 16, 2015
Tucker's book is spot on! Only Tucker can approach a subject such as sex with a woman and be honestly uncomfortable, but so true! A very entertaining read.
June 3, 2017
A pretty simple way to get girls - be a good bloke and improve yourself in all areas
June 30, 2017
Really great advice on how to understand women and how to treat them (and I am a woman).
And just how to be a better human being in general.
And just how to be a better human being in general.
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