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Already Free: Buddhism Meets Psychotherapy on the Path of Liberation
Different Paths, Different Strengths Freedom from unnecessary suffering is the goal of both Buddhism and modern psychotherapy, yet each approaches this intention from a very different perspective. "Buddhist practice helps us awaken to a well-being that is independent of our circumstances," explains Bruce Tift, "while Western psychotherapy helps us bring our disowned experience into awareness in order to live in a more skillful and satisfying way."On Already Free, this therapist and Buddhist practitioner opens a fresh dialogue between these two perspectives, and explores how each provides us with essential keys to experiencing full presence and aliveness.Practical Tools and Wisdom from the Eastern and Western TraditionsBuddhism gives us powerful tools for breaking free of our own identity drama and our fascination with day-to-day problems, yet it does not address how early childhood experience shapes our adult lives. Western psychotherapy provides a wide range of proven techniques for understanding and untangling the development of our neurotic patterns, but it is only beginning to recognize the powerful impact of exploring awareness itself. "These two approaches sometimes contradict and sometimes support each other," Tift explains. "When used together, they can help us open to all of life in all its richness, its disturbances, and its inherent completeness."With a keen understanding of the wisdom of East and West, and a special focus on working with intimate relationships as a pathway to spiritual awakening, Bruce Tift presents seven immersive sessions of insights, wisdom, and practical instruction for realizing the fundamental freedom that is your birthright.HighlightsThe Developmental Approach--why we still use our childhood survival skills after we outgrow them The Fruitional Approach--Buddhist wisdom on finding liberation without resolving our historic issues Relationships and Awakening--practices for couples to develop "healthy intimacy" and welcome connection and separateness Why we use "neurotic organization" to limit our life experience, and how to challenge this self-perpetuating process
1 pages, Audio CD
First published July 28, 2011
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 97 reviews
April 15, 2020
This is an essential read for anyone interested in the intersection of Buddhist practice and western psychotherapy.
My only criticism would be that the author seems unaware of other recent developments in psychotherapy that integrate the values, goals and practices of the Buddhist traditions with those of psychotherapy e.g. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).
Additionally, the author seems unaware of other psychotherapy traditions that integrate the here and now, embodied experience e.g. the Gestalt tradition.
It's hard to believe the author is actually unaware of these modalities, so I'm left to assume he is simply omitting their mention.
Which is fine, but I found myself feeling uneasy as I listened to several of the claims that the worlds wisdom traditions and psychotherapy have (as of yet) irreconcilable differences.
My only criticism would be that the author seems unaware of other recent developments in psychotherapy that integrate the values, goals and practices of the Buddhist traditions with those of psychotherapy e.g. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).
Additionally, the author seems unaware of other psychotherapy traditions that integrate the here and now, embodied experience e.g. the Gestalt tradition.
It's hard to believe the author is actually unaware of these modalities, so I'm left to assume he is simply omitting their mention.
Which is fine, but I found myself feeling uneasy as I listened to several of the claims that the worlds wisdom traditions and psychotherapy have (as of yet) irreconcilable differences.
August 21, 2023
if you like this review, i now have website: www.michaelkamakana.com
230317: excellent. this is exactly the contrast/comparison between these two ways of thought, through western interpretation and eastern experience, that I have wanted to find. my interpretation and experience of both have been conflict to reconcile, because both seem to be correct in different ways, but it is only after reading some deleuze that I can allow the logic, of 'and' this, 'and' this, 'and' this, rather than dualism of binary sort, 'this' or 'that'. central idea the author promotes, that could be called 'thesis', is exactly what I have searched for, to recognise how these ways of thought are similar but not identical, how these ways how these ways follow theme identifiable to their culture of birth, how these ways can inspire and interrogate each other, how these ways are both 'true' according to each frame, how these ways support each other, how through all the philosophy I have read there are recognisable insights and assertions...
first to note is the order of terms in the title: this is indeed buddhist encounter with psychotherapy, so Buddhism comes first, is the 'groundless ground', or course of great lineage and history of 2 600 years, and psychotherapy is only less than hundred years old, cross-cultural work even more recent. second to note is the concept of 'Path', which informs both terms, and 'Liberation', which is promised by both...
central idea, or 'thesis', is that there are two ways of understanding the human mind: developmental, and fruitional. developmental is the particularly western approach of psychotherapy, with attention directed to personal history, mostly family dynamics when powerless child, creating strategies necessary to survive traumatic intensity, strategies which are no longer effective as an adult, in adult situations, with adult power. this is process of uncovering past traumas affecting current life through memories, which are by nature impotent, the past is past, to force change, but have become familiar, the struggle constant, otherwise defused as neurosis, and- somehow-'entertaining'. the author uses the metaphor of an exciting film that momentarily removes us from banal existence...
in developmental forms, in psychotherapy, there is felt need to recognise this is indeed fantasy. that we are no longer powerless child, that significant others in our life are not either cruel or protecting parents, that we can free ourselves from the entrancing drama of that film by practice, by analysis, by concentration. we strengthen our selves so we can become adults governed by something like wisdom, not children ruled by fear and desire...
and this is the fruitional form of understanding the mind though buddhist thought, where the key is not historical, developmental, but experiential. the key is to let go of all the interpretive frames we apply to our experiences, inhibitory, in development, in the moment, and become entirely aware. aware of content, aware of self-narration, aware of awareness. this can of course lead to anxiety, but solution is not to run from it, not to avoid it, instead to face it and see it is illusory and cannot hurt you. this can be counter-intuitive. there are evolutionary reasons of some value to account for some anxiety, but otherwise we should ask ourselves if this is applicable...
this book might only work is you have read some Buddhism, some philosophy, some pychology, , and though there are moments of returning to cloud-cloaked ignorance world, there are moments also of clarity and great vistas...
more:
Existential Psychotherapy
Psychotherapy without the Self: A Buddhist Perspective
Buddhist Understanding of Childhood Spirituality: The Buddha’s Children
The Original Buddhist Psychology: What the Abhidharma Tells Us about How We Think, Feel, and Experience Life
What the Buddha Thought
Why Buddhism is True: The Science and Philosophy of Meditation and Enlightenment
Nietzsche and Buddhist Philosophy
Buddhist Philosophy: Essential Readings
Buddhist Philosophy: A Historical Analysis
Empty Words: Buddhist Philosophy and Cross-Cultural Interpretation
Buddhism as Philosophy: An Introduction
The Fundamental Wisdom of the Middle Way: Nāgārjuna's Mūlamadhyamakakārikā
Self, No Self?: Perspectives from Analytical, Phenomenological, and Indian Traditions
Innovative Buddhist Women: Swimming Against the Stream
Women in the Footsteps of the Buddha: Struggle for Liberation in the Therigatha
Gender Equality in Buddhism
The Vimalakirti Sutra
Why Buddhism is True: The Science and Philosophy of Meditation and Enlightenment
Buddhism: A Philosophical Approach
What the Buddha Thought
Nietzsche and Buddhist Philosophy
Buddhist Philosophy: A Historical Analysis
Buddhism as Philosophy: An Introduction
Ethics Embodied: Rethinking Selfhood Through Continental, Japanese, and Feminist Philosophies
After Buddhism: Rethinking the Dharma for a Secular Age
What the Buddha Thought
Why Buddhism is True: The Science and Philosophy of Meditation and Enlightenment
Buddhist Philosophy: Essential Readings
Buddhism as Philosophy: An Introduction
Self, No Self?: Perspectives from Analytical, Phenomenological, and Indian Traditions
After Buddhism: Rethinking the Dharma for a Secular Age
Philosophers of Nothingness: An Essay on the Kyoto School
The Kyoto School
Nishida And Western Philosophy
Buddhism: A Philosophical Approach
What the Buddha Thought
Wisdom Beyond Words: The Buddhist Vision of Ultimate Reality
Buddhism as Philosophy: An Introduction
An Introduction to Buddhist Philosophy
Why I Am Not a Buddhist
Why I Am a Buddhist: No-Nonsense Buddhism with Red Meat and Whiskey
230317: excellent. this is exactly the contrast/comparison between these two ways of thought, through western interpretation and eastern experience, that I have wanted to find. my interpretation and experience of both have been conflict to reconcile, because both seem to be correct in different ways, but it is only after reading some deleuze that I can allow the logic, of 'and' this, 'and' this, 'and' this, rather than dualism of binary sort, 'this' or 'that'. central idea the author promotes, that could be called 'thesis', is exactly what I have searched for, to recognise how these ways of thought are similar but not identical, how these ways how these ways follow theme identifiable to their culture of birth, how these ways can inspire and interrogate each other, how these ways are both 'true' according to each frame, how these ways support each other, how through all the philosophy I have read there are recognisable insights and assertions...
first to note is the order of terms in the title: this is indeed buddhist encounter with psychotherapy, so Buddhism comes first, is the 'groundless ground', or course of great lineage and history of 2 600 years, and psychotherapy is only less than hundred years old, cross-cultural work even more recent. second to note is the concept of 'Path', which informs both terms, and 'Liberation', which is promised by both...
central idea, or 'thesis', is that there are two ways of understanding the human mind: developmental, and fruitional. developmental is the particularly western approach of psychotherapy, with attention directed to personal history, mostly family dynamics when powerless child, creating strategies necessary to survive traumatic intensity, strategies which are no longer effective as an adult, in adult situations, with adult power. this is process of uncovering past traumas affecting current life through memories, which are by nature impotent, the past is past, to force change, but have become familiar, the struggle constant, otherwise defused as neurosis, and- somehow-'entertaining'. the author uses the metaphor of an exciting film that momentarily removes us from banal existence...
in developmental forms, in psychotherapy, there is felt need to recognise this is indeed fantasy. that we are no longer powerless child, that significant others in our life are not either cruel or protecting parents, that we can free ourselves from the entrancing drama of that film by practice, by analysis, by concentration. we strengthen our selves so we can become adults governed by something like wisdom, not children ruled by fear and desire...
and this is the fruitional form of understanding the mind though buddhist thought, where the key is not historical, developmental, but experiential. the key is to let go of all the interpretive frames we apply to our experiences, inhibitory, in development, in the moment, and become entirely aware. aware of content, aware of self-narration, aware of awareness. this can of course lead to anxiety, but solution is not to run from it, not to avoid it, instead to face it and see it is illusory and cannot hurt you. this can be counter-intuitive. there are evolutionary reasons of some value to account for some anxiety, but otherwise we should ask ourselves if this is applicable...
this book might only work is you have read some Buddhism, some philosophy, some pychology, , and though there are moments of returning to cloud-cloaked ignorance world, there are moments also of clarity and great vistas...
more:
Existential Psychotherapy
Psychotherapy without the Self: A Buddhist Perspective
Buddhist Understanding of Childhood Spirituality: The Buddha’s Children
The Original Buddhist Psychology: What the Abhidharma Tells Us about How We Think, Feel, and Experience Life
What the Buddha Thought
Why Buddhism is True: The Science and Philosophy of Meditation and Enlightenment
Nietzsche and Buddhist Philosophy
Buddhist Philosophy: Essential Readings
Buddhist Philosophy: A Historical Analysis
Empty Words: Buddhist Philosophy and Cross-Cultural Interpretation
Buddhism as Philosophy: An Introduction
The Fundamental Wisdom of the Middle Way: Nāgārjuna's Mūlamadhyamakakārikā
Self, No Self?: Perspectives from Analytical, Phenomenological, and Indian Traditions
Innovative Buddhist Women: Swimming Against the Stream
Women in the Footsteps of the Buddha: Struggle for Liberation in the Therigatha
Gender Equality in Buddhism
The Vimalakirti Sutra
Why Buddhism is True: The Science and Philosophy of Meditation and Enlightenment
Buddhism: A Philosophical Approach
What the Buddha Thought
Nietzsche and Buddhist Philosophy
Buddhist Philosophy: A Historical Analysis
Buddhism as Philosophy: An Introduction
Ethics Embodied: Rethinking Selfhood Through Continental, Japanese, and Feminist Philosophies
After Buddhism: Rethinking the Dharma for a Secular Age
What the Buddha Thought
Why Buddhism is True: The Science and Philosophy of Meditation and Enlightenment
Buddhist Philosophy: Essential Readings
Buddhism as Philosophy: An Introduction
Self, No Self?: Perspectives from Analytical, Phenomenological, and Indian Traditions
After Buddhism: Rethinking the Dharma for a Secular Age
Philosophers of Nothingness: An Essay on the Kyoto School
The Kyoto School
Nishida And Western Philosophy
Buddhism: A Philosophical Approach
What the Buddha Thought
Wisdom Beyond Words: The Buddhist Vision of Ultimate Reality
Buddhism as Philosophy: An Introduction
An Introduction to Buddhist Philosophy
Why I Am Not a Buddhist
Why I Am a Buddhist: No-Nonsense Buddhism with Red Meat and Whiskey
May 12, 2020
Reco by Tim Ferris’s:
https://youtu.be/YQOrqAKKcUQ
My fav quotes (not a review):
-Page 27 |
"The developmental view suggests that, by the ages of four, five, or six years old, we have hopefully achieved what’s called a neurotic level of organization. What this really means is that we have the capacity for a stabilized repression of particular feelings."
-Page 32 |
"So most of us actually have an investment in making ourselves the problem. “If I’m the problem, then that explains why my parents are not loving me as I need to be loved. If I just fix what’s wrong with me, they’ll show up. They will be there for me.” But, of course, we have to make sure we never solve the problem of what’s wrong with us, because if we do, it will become clear that it isn’t us"
-Page 64 |
"When we feel that our survival is threatened, our awareness tends to contract."
-Page 105
"that the basic cause of unnecessary suffering is wanting reality to be other than it is. Just as we’re more likely to be absorbed in a book or movie with a good narrative, we maintain an experience of being a self-absorbed, continuing “self” with familiar narratives."
-Page 109
"Another helpful reframe is to present all of our out-of-date survival strategies as an expression of our health, our best efforts to take care of ourselves."
-Page 110
"intense emotion is actually an expression of aliveness. But we diminish that raw intensity and aliveness when we make the experience about us—wanting either to get rid of it, if it’s negative, or to hold onto it, if it’s positive."
-Page 113
"If we experience some degree of wakefulness but then go off to live in a cave alone, we are less likely to get captured by everyday problems. But if we want to live in society—if we’re going to be a parent, a partner, a teacher, or somebody trying to be of benefit to others—it’s very important to do the developmental work to process our “characterological” issues. Because even though we might not feel identified with those issues anymore, the people we relate to may still be profoundly affected by our unresolved reenactment behaviors."
-Page 121
"If a loved one feels angry, jealous, or confused, we usually don’t feel the same feeling. For some reason, we can keep more distance, probably because these feelings are not a signal of an imminent threat to our survival. But the anxiety response is deeply embedded in our makeup, which makes it very contagious and very difficult to work with."
-Page 125
"We tell ourselves a story about a particular threat, which binds our anxiety to that localized issue. We sacrifice this part of ourselves as if it were a symptom or problem, as if it were the cause of our anxiety. By apparently containing our anxiety within a specific problem, we create a sense that the rest of our life is free of anxiety. This also gives rise to the fantasy that we could have an anxiety-free life if only we could solve that problem. “If there’s a cause to my anxiety, there must be a solution. If only I had enough money, had children, were single, were enlightened, then my anxiety would be solved.” In truth, if we actually solved this “problem,” anxiety would continue to arise. Inexplicable anxiety will continue to arise, off and on, as long as we are sensitive, embodied, biological beings."
-Page 127
"But who wants to be aware of feeling that their survival is threatened? That experience is very disturbing. Therefore, we have a strong motivation to get out of that anxiety."
-Page 130
"Anxiety, from a spiritual path perspective, can therefore be understood as the accurate perception of the basically open nature of life, as seen from the reference point of egoic process."
-Page 131
"I give up my fantasy of a life free of anxiety.”"
-Page 134
"When we add the fantasy of resolution to these contradictory, apparently mutually exclusive experiences, our attention is successfully captured. The struggle between these two becomes a distracting drama."
-Page 166
"anxiety from a therapeutic view is usually seen as a signal of deeper, not fully conscious vulnerabilities pushing into our awareness."
-Page 166
"By escaping from our anxiety when this occurs, we tend to perpetuate the assumption that these core issues are indeed unworkable and a threat. By doing so, we perpetuate our young conditioned beliefs and strategies, unconsciously continuing our experience of being a powerless child."
-Page 203
"We had to put the security of our relationship with our parents as a higher priority than our integrity. As a child we couldn’t say, “No, I fundamentally disagree with you. I think I’ll go find some other parents.”"
-Page 203
"it’s usually not until we’re in our thirties or forties that we actually have enough life experience, emotional resilience, and confidence in ourselves to consider putting our own integrity ahead of closeness."
-Page 206
"Imagine, then, two adults coming together—each from this probably inescapable training in relationship as an experience of powerlessness, of needing to look to the other to have one’s needs met. Although we look like adults and have adult capacities in other parts of our lives, in the arena of intimacy, we’re like a child trying to have a relationship with another child. It’s no surprise that most of us operate in our intimate relationships in a much less mature way than we operate in the world. We often treat our partners, and allow ourselves to be treated, in ways we would never accept with friends or colleagues."
-Page 207
"A basic theme of codependent dynamics is that one person is the voice of connection, and the other is the voice of separateness."
-Page 208
"Each person wants connection, but at the same time, neither wants to feel too vulnerable. So we get close, but then we each protect ourselves from a direct experience of these vulnerabilities by blaming the other for our own internal disturbances. That’s the core of the problem: neither of us is taking responsibility for the never-resolvable tension within ourselves of having profoundly contradictory feelings about intimacy, and we’re projecting the cause of this tension onto our partners. Since we’re not acknowledging the tension inside of ourselves—that we want both closeness and separation with our partner—that tension starts to be experienced as if it were between the two of us."
-Page 219
"The four stages I want to discuss could be called the prepersonal, the personal, the interpersonal and the non-personal. Each stage can be understood as representing a different attitude toward our already-existing basic nature of open awareness and freedom."
-Page 222
"What this illustrates is how engaging conflict is for us. Any sense of a problem is so fascinating—and perhaps feels so threatening—that it magnetizes our attention on a very basic biological level. Even when there’s no actual harm happening, any sense of conflict attracts our attention away from the open, expansive awareness that’s already there."
-Page 229
"Our need for separateness was being met by not yet sharing a full, complex life over time—not living together, not having kids, not sharing a mortgage, and so forth."
-Page 240
"Understanding that it’s not our partners’ responsibility to be who we want them to be, we ask them to make a specific behavior change. Instead of expressing our frustration in always picking up after our partner, for example, we might simply ask if they would be willing to take five minutes each evening before dinner to put their things away. They’ll say yes or no, and we may need to continue negotiating for awhile. But not using this conflict as one more instance of long-term emotional complaint may force us to examine the choices we ourselves are making—and, in turn, perhaps take better care of ourselves—rather than waiting for our partner to do so. In truth, we are asking for our partner’s help with our issue. They are not doing anything wrong; they’re just being themselves. They’ll probably continue to be themselves for as long as we know them. They’re never going to be who we want them to be. But we can ask for their help in the moment."
-Page 241
"A simple but sometimes useful technique to keep in mind is that when our partner seems to be speaking to us from an emotionally reactive state, we can ask them: “Do you have a request? Are you asking me if I will do something?”
-Page 242
"When one is not yet capable of spontaneous inner discipline, the next best thing seems to be external structure."
-Page 130
"The egoic process is that aspect of the self that, quite understandably, wants to feel comfortable, happy, safe, secure, and in control. When faced with the reality of how open everything actually is, that part of us basically freaks out."
-Page 130
"From this point of view, we can see that anxiety is actually a necessary part of our path. As we move in the direction of waking up, increasing our tolerance of more and more awareness or open mind, we will inevitably experience anxiety. At some point or another, anybody committed to a spiritual path may find it important to commit to the experience of anxiety as an approximation of an open state of mind. This is not because reality is itself anxiety producing but because the inevitable engagement of a “personal self” with nonpersonal reality will be experienced as a threat to this self—that is, as anxiety. When I say “committing to our anxiety,” I mean doing the difficult work—difficult because it goes against both our biology and our cultural conditioning—of training ourselves not to try to escape our anxious feelings. It even means to learn to appreciate them, explore them, feel them, and see for ourselves whether they are as much of a problem as we think they will be. If anxiety is not a problem and if we understand that it’s actually an essential part of our path of waking up, then we might want to practice this attitude of commitment."
-Page 131
"“I am ready to feel anxious at any second,” we might say to ourselves, “and to work with the energy of anxiety for the rest of my life. I give up my fantasy of a life free of anxiety.”"
https://youtu.be/YQOrqAKKcUQ
My fav quotes (not a review):
-Page 27 |
"The developmental view suggests that, by the ages of four, five, or six years old, we have hopefully achieved what’s called a neurotic level of organization. What this really means is that we have the capacity for a stabilized repression of particular feelings."
-Page 32 |
"So most of us actually have an investment in making ourselves the problem. “If I’m the problem, then that explains why my parents are not loving me as I need to be loved. If I just fix what’s wrong with me, they’ll show up. They will be there for me.” But, of course, we have to make sure we never solve the problem of what’s wrong with us, because if we do, it will become clear that it isn’t us"
-Page 64 |
"When we feel that our survival is threatened, our awareness tends to contract."
-Page 105
"that the basic cause of unnecessary suffering is wanting reality to be other than it is. Just as we’re more likely to be absorbed in a book or movie with a good narrative, we maintain an experience of being a self-absorbed, continuing “self” with familiar narratives."
-Page 109
"Another helpful reframe is to present all of our out-of-date survival strategies as an expression of our health, our best efforts to take care of ourselves."
-Page 110
"intense emotion is actually an expression of aliveness. But we diminish that raw intensity and aliveness when we make the experience about us—wanting either to get rid of it, if it’s negative, or to hold onto it, if it’s positive."
-Page 113
"If we experience some degree of wakefulness but then go off to live in a cave alone, we are less likely to get captured by everyday problems. But if we want to live in society—if we’re going to be a parent, a partner, a teacher, or somebody trying to be of benefit to others—it’s very important to do the developmental work to process our “characterological” issues. Because even though we might not feel identified with those issues anymore, the people we relate to may still be profoundly affected by our unresolved reenactment behaviors."
-Page 121
"If a loved one feels angry, jealous, or confused, we usually don’t feel the same feeling. For some reason, we can keep more distance, probably because these feelings are not a signal of an imminent threat to our survival. But the anxiety response is deeply embedded in our makeup, which makes it very contagious and very difficult to work with."
-Page 125
"We tell ourselves a story about a particular threat, which binds our anxiety to that localized issue. We sacrifice this part of ourselves as if it were a symptom or problem, as if it were the cause of our anxiety. By apparently containing our anxiety within a specific problem, we create a sense that the rest of our life is free of anxiety. This also gives rise to the fantasy that we could have an anxiety-free life if only we could solve that problem. “If there’s a cause to my anxiety, there must be a solution. If only I had enough money, had children, were single, were enlightened, then my anxiety would be solved.” In truth, if we actually solved this “problem,” anxiety would continue to arise. Inexplicable anxiety will continue to arise, off and on, as long as we are sensitive, embodied, biological beings."
-Page 127
"But who wants to be aware of feeling that their survival is threatened? That experience is very disturbing. Therefore, we have a strong motivation to get out of that anxiety."
-Page 130
"Anxiety, from a spiritual path perspective, can therefore be understood as the accurate perception of the basically open nature of life, as seen from the reference point of egoic process."
-Page 131
"I give up my fantasy of a life free of anxiety.”"
-Page 134
"When we add the fantasy of resolution to these contradictory, apparently mutually exclusive experiences, our attention is successfully captured. The struggle between these two becomes a distracting drama."
-Page 166
"anxiety from a therapeutic view is usually seen as a signal of deeper, not fully conscious vulnerabilities pushing into our awareness."
-Page 166
"By escaping from our anxiety when this occurs, we tend to perpetuate the assumption that these core issues are indeed unworkable and a threat. By doing so, we perpetuate our young conditioned beliefs and strategies, unconsciously continuing our experience of being a powerless child."
-Page 203
"We had to put the security of our relationship with our parents as a higher priority than our integrity. As a child we couldn’t say, “No, I fundamentally disagree with you. I think I’ll go find some other parents.”"
-Page 203
"it’s usually not until we’re in our thirties or forties that we actually have enough life experience, emotional resilience, and confidence in ourselves to consider putting our own integrity ahead of closeness."
-Page 206
"Imagine, then, two adults coming together—each from this probably inescapable training in relationship as an experience of powerlessness, of needing to look to the other to have one’s needs met. Although we look like adults and have adult capacities in other parts of our lives, in the arena of intimacy, we’re like a child trying to have a relationship with another child. It’s no surprise that most of us operate in our intimate relationships in a much less mature way than we operate in the world. We often treat our partners, and allow ourselves to be treated, in ways we would never accept with friends or colleagues."
-Page 207
"A basic theme of codependent dynamics is that one person is the voice of connection, and the other is the voice of separateness."
-Page 208
"Each person wants connection, but at the same time, neither wants to feel too vulnerable. So we get close, but then we each protect ourselves from a direct experience of these vulnerabilities by blaming the other for our own internal disturbances. That’s the core of the problem: neither of us is taking responsibility for the never-resolvable tension within ourselves of having profoundly contradictory feelings about intimacy, and we’re projecting the cause of this tension onto our partners. Since we’re not acknowledging the tension inside of ourselves—that we want both closeness and separation with our partner—that tension starts to be experienced as if it were between the two of us."
-Page 219
"The four stages I want to discuss could be called the prepersonal, the personal, the interpersonal and the non-personal. Each stage can be understood as representing a different attitude toward our already-existing basic nature of open awareness and freedom."
-Page 222
"What this illustrates is how engaging conflict is for us. Any sense of a problem is so fascinating—and perhaps feels so threatening—that it magnetizes our attention on a very basic biological level. Even when there’s no actual harm happening, any sense of conflict attracts our attention away from the open, expansive awareness that’s already there."
-Page 229
"Our need for separateness was being met by not yet sharing a full, complex life over time—not living together, not having kids, not sharing a mortgage, and so forth."
-Page 240
"Understanding that it’s not our partners’ responsibility to be who we want them to be, we ask them to make a specific behavior change. Instead of expressing our frustration in always picking up after our partner, for example, we might simply ask if they would be willing to take five minutes each evening before dinner to put their things away. They’ll say yes or no, and we may need to continue negotiating for awhile. But not using this conflict as one more instance of long-term emotional complaint may force us to examine the choices we ourselves are making—and, in turn, perhaps take better care of ourselves—rather than waiting for our partner to do so. In truth, we are asking for our partner’s help with our issue. They are not doing anything wrong; they’re just being themselves. They’ll probably continue to be themselves for as long as we know them. They’re never going to be who we want them to be. But we can ask for their help in the moment."
-Page 241
"A simple but sometimes useful technique to keep in mind is that when our partner seems to be speaking to us from an emotionally reactive state, we can ask them: “Do you have a request? Are you asking me if I will do something?”
-Page 242
"When one is not yet capable of spontaneous inner discipline, the next best thing seems to be external structure."
-Page 130
"The egoic process is that aspect of the self that, quite understandably, wants to feel comfortable, happy, safe, secure, and in control. When faced with the reality of how open everything actually is, that part of us basically freaks out."
-Page 130
"From this point of view, we can see that anxiety is actually a necessary part of our path. As we move in the direction of waking up, increasing our tolerance of more and more awareness or open mind, we will inevitably experience anxiety. At some point or another, anybody committed to a spiritual path may find it important to commit to the experience of anxiety as an approximation of an open state of mind. This is not because reality is itself anxiety producing but because the inevitable engagement of a “personal self” with nonpersonal reality will be experienced as a threat to this self—that is, as anxiety. When I say “committing to our anxiety,” I mean doing the difficult work—difficult because it goes against both our biology and our cultural conditioning—of training ourselves not to try to escape our anxious feelings. It even means to learn to appreciate them, explore them, feel them, and see for ourselves whether they are as much of a problem as we think they will be. If anxiety is not a problem and if we understand that it’s actually an essential part of our path of waking up, then we might want to practice this attitude of commitment."
-Page 131
"“I am ready to feel anxious at any second,” we might say to ourselves, “and to work with the energy of anxiety for the rest of my life. I give up my fantasy of a life free of anxiety.”"
March 8, 2023
In the past year, I started to have a hard time rating books. How can you decide on the stars to give a book when there are so many variables in determining the reception of it? Granted, some books are more nutrient dense than others, but they also need to come in one’s life at the right time. Lucky for me, Already Free - Buddhism Meets Psychotherapy on the Path of Liberation by Bruce Tift is one such book.
Tift is a seasoned psychotherapist and Buddhism practitioner. He draws information from his own experience to explore the intersection of western psychotherapy and Buddhism, and how two very different approaches help people overcome suffering. I have to admit there is quite some struggling on my end to understand the Buddhist view. Maybe it is extremely simplified, but I call the western approach “improvement” and Buddhism approach “acceptance”. The author believes they are irresolvable but we can hold both views at the same time. He uses the analogy of a spiral staircase: we will never completely get rid of our core vulnerabilities, we will revisit the same issues over and over again, but hopefully with more skills and more insights.
This will be a book on my reread list. I read it twice, yet still cannot grasp a lot of concepts demonstrated. Out of many changes it triggered in my thoughts, these two stood out:
The first one is about aliveness. Often people, especially people in the developed world, say they feel something is missing in their life even though on the surface they have everything. This is something therapy, or at least traditional therapy has not been able to address effectively. The Buddhist view is, aliveness comes from full engagement with every aspect of life. My ignorant view of Buddhism has been openness, vastness, a total lack essentially. This book is giving me a different direction to think about aliveness. The analogy author used is a half empty glass. Therapy will try to help us see the half empty glass as half full. Yet Buddhism says it is always full, full of air and water.
Another one is about spiritual path. This is not something I pondered on a lot as I am not religious. The author describes spiritual path as the change from the observer of the universe to the expression of the universe. I find it fascinating.
Again, there is so much in this book that I still do not understand and have not fully digested. Yet this is the joy of reading, a serendipitous encounter with the just right book.
Tift is a seasoned psychotherapist and Buddhism practitioner. He draws information from his own experience to explore the intersection of western psychotherapy and Buddhism, and how two very different approaches help people overcome suffering. I have to admit there is quite some struggling on my end to understand the Buddhist view. Maybe it is extremely simplified, but I call the western approach “improvement” and Buddhism approach “acceptance”. The author believes they are irresolvable but we can hold both views at the same time. He uses the analogy of a spiral staircase: we will never completely get rid of our core vulnerabilities, we will revisit the same issues over and over again, but hopefully with more skills and more insights.
This will be a book on my reread list. I read it twice, yet still cannot grasp a lot of concepts demonstrated. Out of many changes it triggered in my thoughts, these two stood out:
The first one is about aliveness. Often people, especially people in the developed world, say they feel something is missing in their life even though on the surface they have everything. This is something therapy, or at least traditional therapy has not been able to address effectively. The Buddhist view is, aliveness comes from full engagement with every aspect of life. My ignorant view of Buddhism has been openness, vastness, a total lack essentially. This book is giving me a different direction to think about aliveness. The analogy author used is a half empty glass. Therapy will try to help us see the half empty glass as half full. Yet Buddhism says it is always full, full of air and water.
Another one is about spiritual path. This is not something I pondered on a lot as I am not religious. The author describes spiritual path as the change from the observer of the universe to the expression of the universe. I find it fascinating.
Again, there is so much in this book that I still do not understand and have not fully digested. Yet this is the joy of reading, a serendipitous encounter with the just right book.
March 18, 2014
Bruce Tift is both a therapist and a practitioner of Vajrayana Buddhism, and he effectively makes use of both western and eastern traditions in this fascinating and eye-opening program. The western part of it is largely diagnostic and etiological: personalities (including their attendant neuroses) are formed as a result of coping mechanisms developed from childhood, which we hold on to into adulthood when they are no longer necessary, and which sometimes cause problems and limit potential. Tift uses dependency as an example -- to cope with parents who don't provide emotional support, a child may become focused on independence and self-sufficiency. Later on in life, this person may find feelings of dependency disturbing, which can obviously result in relationship issues, inasmuch as we are all dependent on a partner in a relationship.
The eastern part of it (Buddhist practice, basically) allows the practitioner to become liberated from these old habits and lifestyles by confronting the experience of losing of those coping mechanisms in an immediate and mindful way. The child who has grown up to be independent and self-sufficient must now learn to deal with the emotional disturbances of dependency in a relationship, which basically means acknowledging the disturbance, experiencing it in an immediate way, and accepting it as a part of who he is. Using immediacy and mindfulness in a skillful way allows the practioner to jettison these harmful fixations.
This is all over-simplified, but I really liked the program because it is ultimately practical. A lot of the theory resonates with reading I've done about Buddhism and Zen, but what I really enjoyed here was the practical aspect of it. It's Buddhism you can use, whether you subscribe to the underlying philosophy or not. Highly recommended.
The eastern part of it (Buddhist practice, basically) allows the practitioner to become liberated from these old habits and lifestyles by confronting the experience of losing of those coping mechanisms in an immediate and mindful way. The child who has grown up to be independent and self-sufficient must now learn to deal with the emotional disturbances of dependency in a relationship, which basically means acknowledging the disturbance, experiencing it in an immediate way, and accepting it as a part of who he is. Using immediacy and mindfulness in a skillful way allows the practioner to jettison these harmful fixations.
This is all over-simplified, but I really liked the program because it is ultimately practical. A lot of the theory resonates with reading I've done about Buddhism and Zen, but what I really enjoyed here was the practical aspect of it. It's Buddhism you can use, whether you subscribe to the underlying philosophy or not. Highly recommended.
December 12, 2021
Nice book, that combines Western physiotherapy and tradicional Buddhism knowledge. Autor gives a lot pf examples from his own practices and therapies. So it is very useful, because everyone could find similarities in our own behavior.. Problems that we are facing and similar mistakes that we are making over and over again.
Interesting definition of what means free gives author:
“it includes the qualities of freshness and spontaneity, expansiveness, contentment, openheartedness, and open awareness.
Experience of freedom, life doesn’t become perfect, but we do have a sense that everything is workable, that nothing is missing.”
Also he touches important topic, that almost all our problems are coming from our childhood.. From our relationship with parents and our traumas.
And at the end what he mentioned I find it the most important:
“Discard nothing, appreciate everything.”
This is a core of Buddhism..
Interesting definition of what means free gives author:
“it includes the qualities of freshness and spontaneity, expansiveness, contentment, openheartedness, and open awareness.
Experience of freedom, life doesn’t become perfect, but we do have a sense that everything is workable, that nothing is missing.”
Also he touches important topic, that almost all our problems are coming from our childhood.. From our relationship with parents and our traumas.
And at the end what he mentioned I find it the most important:
“Discard nothing, appreciate everything.”
This is a core of Buddhism..
January 16, 2017
I received this book, for free, in exchange for an honest review.
I had a different take away than other readers so take this with a grain of salt.
As someone reasonably well read in Buddhism I didn't find much new here. That's not saying this isn't comprehensive, it is, but there are other comprehensive books out there. It also might depend on when you find this book, it usually does. I've read more than a few East meets West type books and it is easy to get burned out. This might be better for someone newer to the topic.
Lastly, It could be that the tone was more mind based than heart based and I tend to like this kind of book to be more heart based. Many westerners are the opposite so your mileage may vary.
I had a different take away than other readers so take this with a grain of salt.
As someone reasonably well read in Buddhism I didn't find much new here. That's not saying this isn't comprehensive, it is, but there are other comprehensive books out there. It also might depend on when you find this book, it usually does. I've read more than a few East meets West type books and it is easy to get burned out. This might be better for someone newer to the topic.
Lastly, It could be that the tone was more mind based than heart based and I tend to like this kind of book to be more heart based. Many westerners are the opposite so your mileage may vary.
July 6, 2020
Already Free was one of those books that I read very slowly, to properly chew and digest the wisdom. I consider myself a sheepish highlighter, but I found myself highlighting almost every other page. This speaks to how dense and powerful the insights are within this book.
The core idea is the distinction between Western Developmental Psychotherapy and Fruitional Acceptance, influenced by Eastern Spirituality. Bruce Tift admits that these two schools of thought are at odds with each other, and cannot "be resolved". The Western strategy champions growth and striving, while the Eastern strategy promotes acceptance and tranquility with one's situation. However, this does not prevent an individual from benefiting from both methods.
Building upon this distinction, Tift not to subtly tells us that we will never solve our problems. Life is built upon challenge and transformation, and every problem is nothing more than a set of feelings and emotions. Growth comes from accepting and working with everything that surfaces, regardless of whether it feels good.
A few of my favorite insights:
— When you feel a negative emotion, acknowledge and accept the experience rather than trying to numb or ignore it. Focus on the raw sensation (upset stomach, dry mouth, etc.) until it passes through you naturally.
— In Western Culture, a romantic relationship can be one of the most meaningful vehicles towards spiritual growth. In a relationship, your personal weaknesses are magnified, as are those of the other. You learn to work through your own emotions, while navigating those of your partner. In an increasingly secular culture, this is crucial.
— The place of calm and clarity is always available to you. I've always thought that the spiritual oneness found in meditation should be one's default state. I now realize this is unrealistic — but it is realistic to know that with practice, one can reach this state fairly consistently.
At the end of the day, spiritual growth isn't so different from personal growth. At their core, they are both subtractive — the more you quiet the struggle, self-doubt, and reactivity of the mind, the more you begin to cultivate a good mind. As you grow, negativity will fall away on its own as there is less for it to latch on to.
This book reminded me a lot of the teachings of Micky Singer's The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself. Both contain volumes of wisdom pointing towards the same ineffable sense of oneness. Bruce Tift is able to leverage his decades of experience in clinical therapy and spirituality to create a timeless work that is both practical and inspiring.
The core idea is the distinction between Western Developmental Psychotherapy and Fruitional Acceptance, influenced by Eastern Spirituality. Bruce Tift admits that these two schools of thought are at odds with each other, and cannot "be resolved". The Western strategy champions growth and striving, while the Eastern strategy promotes acceptance and tranquility with one's situation. However, this does not prevent an individual from benefiting from both methods.
Building upon this distinction, Tift not to subtly tells us that we will never solve our problems. Life is built upon challenge and transformation, and every problem is nothing more than a set of feelings and emotions. Growth comes from accepting and working with everything that surfaces, regardless of whether it feels good.
A few of my favorite insights:
— When you feel a negative emotion, acknowledge and accept the experience rather than trying to numb or ignore it. Focus on the raw sensation (upset stomach, dry mouth, etc.) until it passes through you naturally.
— In Western Culture, a romantic relationship can be one of the most meaningful vehicles towards spiritual growth. In a relationship, your personal weaknesses are magnified, as are those of the other. You learn to work through your own emotions, while navigating those of your partner. In an increasingly secular culture, this is crucial.
— The place of calm and clarity is always available to you. I've always thought that the spiritual oneness found in meditation should be one's default state. I now realize this is unrealistic — but it is realistic to know that with practice, one can reach this state fairly consistently.
At the end of the day, spiritual growth isn't so different from personal growth. At their core, they are both subtractive — the more you quiet the struggle, self-doubt, and reactivity of the mind, the more you begin to cultivate a good mind. As you grow, negativity will fall away on its own as there is less for it to latch on to.
This book reminded me a lot of the teachings of Micky Singer's The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself. Both contain volumes of wisdom pointing towards the same ineffable sense of oneness. Bruce Tift is able to leverage his decades of experience in clinical therapy and spirituality to create a timeless work that is both practical and inspiring.
December 15, 2011
Excellent! He skillfully takes the vehicle of Buddhism into the world of emotions and psychological healing. I am very glad I took a chance and listened to this book, and hope the author will write more in the future.
May 19, 2021
This was a deep, slow read. I gathered a lot of great points from it. If it had been a bit more reader friendly it definitely would have been five stars. It espouses a balance between our Western view of change and progress and that of a more Eastern view of acceptance in finding greater peace and contentment as humans. I'm much more familiar with the Western psychotherapeutic view of finding what is wrong and trying to fix it, so I very much appreciated the idea of being present, being okay with the present even when it is not ideal and especially when it is difficult and understanding that you are okay just as things are right now even if you are having hard "bad" feelings, emotions or experiences.
A couple of points I really appreciated:
Effective Selfishness-As an adult it is your responsibility to take care of yourself. That job should not be left to anyone else. You need to be selfish enough to meet your needs. In relationships we often want the other person to take care of us, but that's not their responsibility. When you take care of yourself, then you can be there for others.
Accepting your partner as they are-- Not a new idea, but we often want to change our partner. We want them to be the person we wish they were instead of them being the person that they are. Accept others for who they are. It's not your job to change them and you usually couldn't if you wanted to.
Practice acceptance-Even if you are feeling an extreme negative emotion, or feeling unfulfilled or anything else you might not want to feel, you are still okay. If nothing ever changed for the rest of your life you could still choose to be okay. We hope and wish things were different and that creates a lot of the problem instead of just being okay with what is.
Be present in the current moment-Much of our pain is looking a make-believe future or an over and done with past. We do more good for ourselves when we are in the moment we are now in instead of worrying about the future or obsessing about what is past. The past can help us understand some things about ourselves, but it cannot ever be changed nor does it determine our future.
Lots and lots of other great notes I took away from it.
A couple of points I really appreciated:
Effective Selfishness-As an adult it is your responsibility to take care of yourself. That job should not be left to anyone else. You need to be selfish enough to meet your needs. In relationships we often want the other person to take care of us, but that's not their responsibility. When you take care of yourself, then you can be there for others.
Accepting your partner as they are-- Not a new idea, but we often want to change our partner. We want them to be the person we wish they were instead of them being the person that they are. Accept others for who they are. It's not your job to change them and you usually couldn't if you wanted to.
Practice acceptance-Even if you are feeling an extreme negative emotion, or feeling unfulfilled or anything else you might not want to feel, you are still okay. If nothing ever changed for the rest of your life you could still choose to be okay. We hope and wish things were different and that creates a lot of the problem instead of just being okay with what is.
Be present in the current moment-Much of our pain is looking a make-believe future or an over and done with past. We do more good for ourselves when we are in the moment we are now in instead of worrying about the future or obsessing about what is past. The past can help us understand some things about ourselves, but it cannot ever be changed nor does it determine our future.
Lots and lots of other great notes I took away from it.
January 21, 2022
So glad I bought this via Audible so I can listen again & again. Very insightful & perspective-shifting in a good, subtle way.
November 27, 2022
A comprehensive and clear study of the contradictory AND complimentary ideas of western psychology and Buddhism. One of my favorites -- feels so sane and compassionate and real.
January 18, 2022
Best book on how to live a better life I’ve read. Highly recommend.
May 29, 2022
very nice book? yes. will need to read it again? yes.
Read
January 10, 2022In “Already Free: Buddhism Meets Psychotherapy on the Path of Liberation”, the author, Bruce Tift, presents how some spiritual knowledge and practices highlighted in Buddhism can be used to enhance the conventional methods of psychotherapy. It is interesting to note that a similar merger of concepts and practices of the two areas was presented in many other related pieces of literature, especially in the last couple of decades.
In the book, the conventional approach to psychotherapy is referred to as the developmental view in which attempts are made to overcome the impacts of childhood and early adolescence negative experiences by bringing them to conscious awareness by recontextualising them. Disconnecting from the negative memories may have served its purpose at a different time and context, but continuing to do so will minimise the wellbeing of the individual as they are prevented from becoming more integrated and whole.
The premise of the Buddhist approach is referred to as the fruitional view. In this view, the clients are encouraged to stay non-judgementally with the direct experiences, regardless of whether they are positive or negative. Put differently, it is the practice of embodied immediacy without reactivity. The usefulness of this approach is more evident when the clients do not have control of any adverse environments they undergo. Said differently, the clients are encouraged to become open to and mindful of all types of experiences even if they develop anxiety. The measure appears counterintuitive as to whether becoming aware of anxious moments (without shutting down) can alleviate the negative experience they generate. But as the meditative practices have shown for thousands of years, by doing so, the individuals become more open, accepting, kind and compassionate to themselves and others. Over time, it becomes an intrinsic mindset that is highly useful. Through such acceptance, they realise that every moment is an opportunity to liberate the mind from reactivity by being mindfully curious to learn and develop. We do not have to wait for a future condition to be satisfied in order for us to openly, meaningfully and fully engage with the present moment.
Through his decades of experience in psychotherapy, the author, Bruce Tift, highlights that relationship-building is an area that the practices of developmental and fruitional views can be widely and successfully applied. He insightfully presents that a relationship is an evolving path. More specifically, in the fruitional view, the aim is to help clients develop equanimous states of mind irrespective of the direct experiences they undergo. Such balanced states of mind help individuals respond more consciously and appropriately, overcoming habitual reactivity.
In the book, the conventional approach to psychotherapy is referred to as the developmental view in which attempts are made to overcome the impacts of childhood and early adolescence negative experiences by bringing them to conscious awareness by recontextualising them. Disconnecting from the negative memories may have served its purpose at a different time and context, but continuing to do so will minimise the wellbeing of the individual as they are prevented from becoming more integrated and whole.
The premise of the Buddhist approach is referred to as the fruitional view. In this view, the clients are encouraged to stay non-judgementally with the direct experiences, regardless of whether they are positive or negative. Put differently, it is the practice of embodied immediacy without reactivity. The usefulness of this approach is more evident when the clients do not have control of any adverse environments they undergo. Said differently, the clients are encouraged to become open to and mindful of all types of experiences even if they develop anxiety. The measure appears counterintuitive as to whether becoming aware of anxious moments (without shutting down) can alleviate the negative experience they generate. But as the meditative practices have shown for thousands of years, by doing so, the individuals become more open, accepting, kind and compassionate to themselves and others. Over time, it becomes an intrinsic mindset that is highly useful. Through such acceptance, they realise that every moment is an opportunity to liberate the mind from reactivity by being mindfully curious to learn and develop. We do not have to wait for a future condition to be satisfied in order for us to openly, meaningfully and fully engage with the present moment.
Through his decades of experience in psychotherapy, the author, Bruce Tift, highlights that relationship-building is an area that the practices of developmental and fruitional views can be widely and successfully applied. He insightfully presents that a relationship is an evolving path. More specifically, in the fruitional view, the aim is to help clients develop equanimous states of mind irrespective of the direct experiences they undergo. Such balanced states of mind help individuals respond more consciously and appropriately, overcoming habitual reactivity.
October 2, 2020
One of the most thorough explanations of Western psychotherapy based on the work of Freud. It indicates clearly why these psychological strategies we developed as a powerless child will become counter-productive for adult life, as we consciously try to ignore a part of ourselves, therefore we would never feel complete.
It also displays a great combination of Western and Eastern approaches (Buddhism), as Buddhism is used to strengthen the level of awareness and the courage to face with each moment, no matter whether that moment appears to be positive/to our advantage, or negative.
That’s actually another fundamental contribution of this book: a great reminder of how life is full of 2 sides, 2 opposite forces that continuously uncontrollably appear in life. Therefore, any promise that after you strengthen your awareness life will become easier is basically wrong. It just continues as it is, however, with a guarantee that you will live more fully in each moment.
The only thing I don’t like about this book is that it’s unnecessarily long, with too much of repetition of these points. Also, the examples are not that deep, with all the nuanced stuff of the treatments are not listed and analysed fully.
However, still a very important book on Psychology, and I’ll definitely re-read it in few years time.
It also displays a great combination of Western and Eastern approaches (Buddhism), as Buddhism is used to strengthen the level of awareness and the courage to face with each moment, no matter whether that moment appears to be positive/to our advantage, or negative.
That’s actually another fundamental contribution of this book: a great reminder of how life is full of 2 sides, 2 opposite forces that continuously uncontrollably appear in life. Therefore, any promise that after you strengthen your awareness life will become easier is basically wrong. It just continues as it is, however, with a guarantee that you will live more fully in each moment.
The only thing I don’t like about this book is that it’s unnecessarily long, with too much of repetition of these points. Also, the examples are not that deep, with all the nuanced stuff of the treatments are not listed and analysed fully.
However, still a very important book on Psychology, and I’ll definitely re-read it in few years time.
February 6, 2021
This book has completely changed my perception of things, and has been a relief from the anxiety of changing that we all have grown up believing.
I realized that as the book's title says, we're always already free, we just don't know it.
One of the most important parts that I highlighted are:
"We notice what is actually going on right now-what's most fundamentally true in this moment. One of the first things we encounter in this practice is that we're very rarely experiencing reality in a simple and direct way. Instead we're constantly making interpretations about what we're experiencing; we're thinking about it. So we might be saying 'I'm stressed out'. But what does that really mean? A complaint like 'stressed out' is an umbrella interpretation that we give to a series of different feelings".
I realized that as the book's title says, we're always already free, we just don't know it.
One of the most important parts that I highlighted are:
"We notice what is actually going on right now-what's most fundamentally true in this moment. One of the first things we encounter in this practice is that we're very rarely experiencing reality in a simple and direct way. Instead we're constantly making interpretations about what we're experiencing; we're thinking about it. So we might be saying 'I'm stressed out'. But what does that really mean? A complaint like 'stressed out' is an umbrella interpretation that we give to a series of different feelings".
June 19, 2020
Brilliant and insightful book. I've never felt so directly called out by a self-help book like this, but the plethora of specific examples to go along with the general principles makes for a compelling read.
The only criticism I can level is equally a compliment. Tift is an excellent writer, and wields language with a tremendous amount of grace and skill. The resulting text is beautiful and well-structured, but can be difficult to read at times. I'd find that if I didn't have my complete faculties about me (whether from being tired before bed or a little distracted from music) that I'd have to read a paragraph or two multiple times before the meaning would set in.
The only criticism I can level is equally a compliment. Tift is an excellent writer, and wields language with a tremendous amount of grace and skill. The resulting text is beautiful and well-structured, but can be difficult to read at times. I'd find that if I didn't have my complete faculties about me (whether from being tired before bed or a little distracted from music) that I'd have to read a paragraph or two multiple times before the meaning would set in.
November 13, 2020
It started off promising enough - the subjects of awareness and anxiety were really well discussed and the concept of immediacy was explained better than in most books on Buddhism. I feel that the chapters on relationships (while giving some much needed insight on how people should relate to each other while dealling with their own inner struggles) should have been a separate book altogether - they don't organically fit the base subject of the book and it kind of overstays its welcome in the second part because of them.
September 17, 2020
A compelling blend of psychotherapy and Buddhism. I found many helpful strategies to deal with anger, anxiety, and ways to improve relationships. Will definitely read again to glean more details and insight.
June 13, 2022
Perhaps my favourite book of all time. Benefited hugely from this.
December 10, 2023
A therapist friend loaned me this book, and now I need my own copy to read it for a second time, pen in hand. The first five chapters, where the author explains the developmental (therapeutic) and fruitional (Buddhist) views and the inherent tension between them, are dense and took me weeks to read. They were convincing, pointing toward a way of growth that feels true to me.
But it was in chapters six and seven, which focus on how to use these two views for growth within intimate relationships, that I found the real value, for me, of this book. The essential human energies of independence and interdependence--both unavoidably present in each of us--contain their own inherent tension. Typically, each of us favours one and rejects the other. Instead, we can learn to lead with whichever one is appropriate in any situation, without losing contact with the other, and have a more free, full, and satisfying experience of life and of relationship.
Doing this work, learning to see beyond our childhood ways of coping and interacting, leads us to "a good state of mind, regardless of circumstance" (the title of the book's eighth and final chapter).
"[F]or completely practical reasons, it makes sense to learn how to cultivate a good state of mind at all times--to focus more on how we relate to any and all conditions, rather than on what those conditions might be." This is not news to me, and is what I thought I was already doing. But this book has taught me to be aware of deeper levels and patterns I cling to, and to be curious about what it's like to change them. It shows me how much the clinging harms both me and my goals for living a full and free life, and encourages me to take on this work in a new way.
But it was in chapters six and seven, which focus on how to use these two views for growth within intimate relationships, that I found the real value, for me, of this book. The essential human energies of independence and interdependence--both unavoidably present in each of us--contain their own inherent tension. Typically, each of us favours one and rejects the other. Instead, we can learn to lead with whichever one is appropriate in any situation, without losing contact with the other, and have a more free, full, and satisfying experience of life and of relationship.
Doing this work, learning to see beyond our childhood ways of coping and interacting, leads us to "a good state of mind, regardless of circumstance" (the title of the book's eighth and final chapter).
"[F]or completely practical reasons, it makes sense to learn how to cultivate a good state of mind at all times--to focus more on how we relate to any and all conditions, rather than on what those conditions might be." This is not news to me, and is what I thought I was already doing. But this book has taught me to be aware of deeper levels and patterns I cling to, and to be curious about what it's like to change them. It shows me how much the clinging harms both me and my goals for living a full and free life, and encourages me to take on this work in a new way.
July 30, 2023
”Discard nothing, appreciate everything. Look for wakefulness, look for compassion, and look for freedom in every moment of your life. Look for these energies in every moment, whether you’re experiencing anger, hunger, depression, or joy. If you look for what’s already there, you are likely to find it.”
This book was recommended by a friend, and for me, it came along at just the right time with this wonderful insight into the dialogue between western psychotherapy and Buddhist thought. I believe and appreciate both methodologies as part of a spiritual journey, but up to this point, I had been thinking of them as parallel truths, working towards the same outcome, but with irreconcilable dynamics. How do you appreciate the NOW if you are absorbed with all these “problems” (life history, emotional dramas, behavioral patterns) that need to be fixed or managed so you can land in the present moment, and you know, become enlightened?!
That’s oversimplification, of course, but I welcome the viewpoint that a well-lived life will not be mapped out with a destination; rather, it’s a constant interplay of energy and disturbances, and that’s not a problem. Not a problem! We like to polarize our thought - “it’s this, not that” - but when we can relax our thought, we can soften into a space of holding two truths at the same time - “it’s this AND that.” Knowing more about ourselves, acknowledging our personal histories and recognizing our default ways of being can help us return to our experiences again and again with immediacy, embodiment and kindness. What a powerful interplay to fuel interest in our own awareness.
January 14, 2022
I enjoyed reading this! Tift keeps a good balance of Buddhism and therapy techniques. The lessons are pretty basic and universal to this type of self help: stay present. While reading this, I've been reminding myself to sink into the feelings I'm afraid of instead of avoiding them, whether by furiously trying to think my way out of it, telling myself I shouldn't feel that way, or focusing on someone else's misdeeds. It's been good!
Some other lessons: what feels familiar isn't necessarily the healthiest we can feel, and we should be most curious about who we are now, with all our emotional baggage instead of incessantly trying to get "better" in some arbitrary definition. I'm constantly reminded that what I do to "feel better" and avoid some of my worst fears actually make me feel less secure, in that I need to do so much to maintain balance, away from the fears. Complete self love is very powerful! Even the "bad" feelings, which Western society avoids but are mostly inevitable. Tift constantly brings up our phenomenon of burying feelings, which ties into core vulnerabilities, and cedes that those are things we deal with our whole lives, which is ok.
Parts of the theme remind me of Esther Perel's - accepting conflicting dualities and being comfortable in it. I think this would be a comforting book to revisiting when life seems emotionally hard.
Some other lessons: what feels familiar isn't necessarily the healthiest we can feel, and we should be most curious about who we are now, with all our emotional baggage instead of incessantly trying to get "better" in some arbitrary definition. I'm constantly reminded that what I do to "feel better" and avoid some of my worst fears actually make me feel less secure, in that I need to do so much to maintain balance, away from the fears. Complete self love is very powerful! Even the "bad" feelings, which Western society avoids but are mostly inevitable. Tift constantly brings up our phenomenon of burying feelings, which ties into core vulnerabilities, and cedes that those are things we deal with our whole lives, which is ok.
Parts of the theme remind me of Esther Perel's - accepting conflicting dualities and being comfortable in it. I think this would be a comforting book to revisiting when life seems emotionally hard.
March 3, 2024
This is a transformative book. It's summarized by this quote:
"if a good state of mind is not the same as having positive experiences, then what is a good state of mind? Although impossible to really pin down, it could be understood as a mind trained into an attitude of unconditional appreciation. Some qualities of this attitude include embodied presence, spontaneity, openheartedness, alertness, humor, courage, clarity, resilience, equanimity, confidence. These are all ways in which we engage with our experience—they are not experiences in themselves.
The main premise of the book is to train the reader in "embodied commitment", which means being with the sensations, not the content, without labeling the sensations good or bad. This can lead to being totally free.
The book includes a number of very useful exercises, such as:
- For a month, drop any claim that "something is wrong". When you notice yourself thinking, "something is wrong", ask yourself, "what do I not want to experience right now?"
- List your habitual patterns. Then, explain each pattern by a "worst fear".
- List the recurring patterns that you find frustrating in your intimate partner. Then ask, "what if my partner would stop doing that instantly—what would it require me to do?" Often, our so-called frustrations with our partner are really an excuse not to feel or do something ourselves.
"if a good state of mind is not the same as having positive experiences, then what is a good state of mind? Although impossible to really pin down, it could be understood as a mind trained into an attitude of unconditional appreciation. Some qualities of this attitude include embodied presence, spontaneity, openheartedness, alertness, humor, courage, clarity, resilience, equanimity, confidence. These are all ways in which we engage with our experience—they are not experiences in themselves.
The main premise of the book is to train the reader in "embodied commitment", which means being with the sensations, not the content, without labeling the sensations good or bad. This can lead to being totally free.
The book includes a number of very useful exercises, such as:
- For a month, drop any claim that "something is wrong". When you notice yourself thinking, "something is wrong", ask yourself, "what do I not want to experience right now?"
- List your habitual patterns. Then, explain each pattern by a "worst fear".
- List the recurring patterns that you find frustrating in your intimate partner. Then ask, "what if my partner would stop doing that instantly—what would it require me to do?" Often, our so-called frustrations with our partner are really an excuse not to feel or do something ourselves.
November 23, 2022
This book has quickly skyrocket to my top favourite books of all time. Tift essentially combines a practical view, which involves traditional western therapy, the idea of contemplating our past, improving ourselves, etc. with a fruitional view, one centred on Buddhism, and accepting everything that we experience in the present moment, good and bad.
One core idea is the idea that when we have a “negative” thought, for example “I feel a deep sense of loneliness in my heart”, that once we move past the thought and really feel the feelings associated in our body, we can experience the fact that these feelings won’t harm or endanger us. That we can actually tolerate and allow these feelings to be with us for the rest of our lives. To accept them as ourselves, and once we fully accept these feelings, they not only become tolerable, they actually are the fullness of life itself.
There’s a wealth of gold in this book, and I’ll be sure to return to the highlights for years to come.
One core idea is the idea that when we have a “negative” thought, for example “I feel a deep sense of loneliness in my heart”, that once we move past the thought and really feel the feelings associated in our body, we can experience the fact that these feelings won’t harm or endanger us. That we can actually tolerate and allow these feelings to be with us for the rest of our lives. To accept them as ourselves, and once we fully accept these feelings, they not only become tolerable, they actually are the fullness of life itself.
There’s a wealth of gold in this book, and I’ll be sure to return to the highlights for years to come.
October 2, 2020
This is the book your neurotic self didn't know she needed. It is SO good! Pitch perfect dialectic! You will feel so smart after reading this book and have insight that you didn't know you didn't already have. It was super good. I listened to it twice in a row and I feel certain I will pick it up in the future.
Once of the main takeaways is that we do things to survive as a child and then when we are adults they become maladaptive, which I know you already knew but it must have been something about the way he said it that really made it make sense to me.
I just really loved this book because I'm often vacillating between caring for my inner child and being like "well, there IS no self, so what even am I DOING?" This was exactly the middle path I needed in my life.
Once of the main takeaways is that we do things to survive as a child and then when we are adults they become maladaptive, which I know you already knew but it must have been something about the way he said it that really made it make sense to me.
I just really loved this book because I'm often vacillating between caring for my inner child and being like "well, there IS no self, so what even am I DOING?" This was exactly the middle path I needed in my life.
December 6, 2021
I think I highlighted half of this book; it's the best book of this genre I've read. I've thought about it nearly every day since I picked it up. If you're reading this you're probably already curious about this book, in which case you should read it, or you're like one of 30 friends I have on here from facebook years ago when I made a goodreads account, and you should probably also read it too.
Also think the first few chapters of Gendlin's Focusing would be a helpful appendix too.
What made this book so great?
1) A common framing of this genre is "Here's this process / philosophy I've developed which can solve all your problems." This book isn't about a hammer that can meet every nail, but about a number of techniques you could use depending on your needle. It's more-nail focused than hammer-focused.
2) Loved the balance between the theoretical ("here's how you developed your neurotic tendencies") and the practical ("here's a practice you can start doing right now to be more embodied, present, attentive, alive")
3) Buddhist philosophy and psychotherapy are very much in right now, which means there are a decent number of things written by journalists who who've stumbled across this rather than by experts who are trying to write what they know. This book is the latter, and the latter is better.
"And that becomes exactly our work: to acknowledge and be kind toward the feelings they’ve been running away from since childhood, as well as toward not wanting to feel those feelings."
Also think the first few chapters of Gendlin's Focusing would be a helpful appendix too.
What made this book so great?
1) A common framing of this genre is "Here's this process / philosophy I've developed which can solve all your problems." This book isn't about a hammer that can meet every nail, but about a number of techniques you could use depending on your needle. It's more-nail focused than hammer-focused.
2) Loved the balance between the theoretical ("here's how you developed your neurotic tendencies") and the practical ("here's a practice you can start doing right now to be more embodied, present, attentive, alive")
3) Buddhist philosophy and psychotherapy are very much in right now, which means there are a decent number of things written by journalists who who've stumbled across this rather than by experts who are trying to write what they know. This book is the latter, and the latter is better.
"And that becomes exactly our work: to acknowledge and be kind toward the feelings they’ve been running away from since childhood, as well as toward not wanting to feel those feelings."
March 31, 2023
DNF, page 38. It's funny how self-help books hit the mark for some people and just completely miss it for others. I guess it just depends on what you're struggling with and what you need to hear.
So far, the author has been talking about building up protective psychological walls to avoid letting people in, disowning parts of who we are, and behaving in certain ways because we're scared that our parents will withhold love otherwise. It's very dramatic and theoretical with a distinct lack of actual examples to illustrate what he's saying (he's offered exactly two examples: his own fear of dependency, and one of his clients' fear of commitment).
I just don't think his writing style is going to work for me.
So far, the author has been talking about building up protective psychological walls to avoid letting people in, disowning parts of who we are, and behaving in certain ways because we're scared that our parents will withhold love otherwise. It's very dramatic and theoretical with a distinct lack of actual examples to illustrate what he's saying (he's offered exactly two examples: his own fear of dependency, and one of his clients' fear of commitment).
I just don't think his writing style is going to work for me.
August 17, 2021
This book beautifully answers many questions that arise when spiritual teachings (coming from a place of acceptance) seem to clash with Western psychotherapy (coming from a growth mindset). I was very happy to learn that one could hold both views harmoniously in their minds. The author uses very mindful language, without imperatives such as “you should”, “you must”, without judgements nor comparisons. The writing flows. One might compare the soothing writing to Michael Singer’s prose in The Untethered Soul, except there are many real-world examples and practical exercises, stemming from the author’s extensive experience as a therapist. It was a life-changing read.
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